Chapter 7: Hodnes laik Kwelnes

A/N: Although I started writing this story before Season 3 premiered, I wrote this chapter about a week after "Thirteen". Lexa deserved better and I hope that I will do her justice in my story. As a side note, in my mind Costia looks a lot like Storm from the X-Men comics when she has her Mohawk (except of course, she is very young- like 16-17 age). I don't know why, but this is always how I envisioned her. Also, I don't write Trigedasleng very well, so there are only a few choice sentences and I have them translated at the end.

It was dusk and a light breeze blew the tattered curtains that covered the doorway of the Heda's balcony in the tower that rested in the center of Polis. Commander Lexa stood with her hands resting on the railing overlooking the vast city under her command. The wind moved the smooth black cloth of her night dress around her legs and her long dark hair fell freely on her pale shoulders as she watched the capitol extinguish the torches for the night.

This was Lexa's favorite time to watch over her people. Everyone was calm, even her headstrong warriors. Children were herded home to bed and those who enjoy watching the stars come out sat around smoldering fires. In the comfort of their tents, she knew lovers were laying down to do anything but sleep. There were others like herself that would lay down alone tonight, but that thought wouldn't keep her warm in her large bed.

Closing her eyes, Lexa thought back to the days when Costia would be waiting for her in that bed. Costia often joked about the perks of being Heda included that bed. It was soft and covered in the best furs that could be found throughout the twelve clans. The headboard had been intricately carved over six decades ago by the Heda at the time. Costia had loved it and Lexa had loved Costia. Which meant the bed was as much of a burden at night as the throne was during the day.

And it was Costia's face that she saw she closed her eyes. The dark skin that was covered in black ink and felt so smooth under Lexa's fingertips. She could remember the crooked smile and long eyelashes that covered the dark eyes that Lexa would get lost staring into.

"Heda, are you listening?" Titus had been trying to explain something important, of that Lexa was sure. But the new Heda had a short attention span. And it was currently being used to study every beautiful feature of girl sparing in the ring before her.

"Titus, please, I'm trying to watch."

The other man sighed. "You can order her to fight for you any time. I'm trying to teach you. Even though Trikru and Floukru have been allied, you have much work to do to accomplish your goal."

"I don't want to order her," muttered Lexa, straightening her back in her throne. "I just want to watch her. She's good."

"Costia," noted Titus with a knowing voice. The girl was currently fending off blows from Anya's stick. She was quick, but not graceful. Although Costia had no problems holding her own in battle, she didn't have the perfection that Anya or Lexa possessed. But that didn't matter. Costia had caught Lexa's eye a while ago and Anya insisted on adding her to the Heda's training guard.

"She should have a seat by me tonight at the dinner," ordered the brash seventeen year old. "I like talking to her."

"Of course, Heda," murmured Titus. Lexa glanced at him just in time to see him turning away with the smallest of smiles on his face.

And they had talked all evening. It wasn't the first time Costia had been in Lexa's company, but that dinner marked the beginning of a courtship that Lexa had taken very seriously. And tonight Lexa smiled at the memory. Costia had been so nervous and confused by her Heda's interest. In fact, at the break of dawn the next morning, Lexa had sought Anya out to be sure that Costia would be interested in women. Laughing, Anya had reassured her old protégé that Costia spent as much time thinking about Lexa as Lexa did about her.

She remembered the times when she would stand on this balcony and Costia would come to bring her to bed. The balcony was where Lexa found peace in her thoughts and Costia never wanted to disturb her. Costia would sweep Lexa's long hair to the side and press small kisses to her shoulders and neck. Tonight, Lexa could feel the ghost of those kisses and she shuddered at the thought.

Costia had always been the one to show Lexa joy in life. Lexa was a nightblood- trained since childhood to become Heda. Costia had seen the beauty in everything and wanted to share that with her lover. Although Costia wasn't the most formidable opponent in hand to hand combat, no one could touch her when she got on the back of a horse. Lexa would tease that the reason Costia was so clumsy on the ground was because she was born on a horse.

Lexa listened to endless stories of Costia's adventures exploring the forest around her village on the back of an old mare that had been wounded in battle. From the age of eight, little Costia would sneak out after dark to ride in the moonlight. So after long meetings discussing how to fight against Azgeda or how to successfully ally with Sangedakru or Trishana, Costia would take Lexa out of Polis to ride horses.

Lexa was galloping on a black stallion, her hand lingering on the horn of her saddle. Costia was in front of her on a dapple gray that Lexa had gifted her several months ago. At first her girlfriend had been hesitant to accept the extravagant gift, but eventually Lexa's true excitement about giving her the horse had won her over. According to Lexa, it was a gift of a true hosa.

So now they were galloping away from Polis under the guide of the moon and stars. Lexa felt free following her lover as she weaved through the trees. Costia preferred riding bareback- said she could feel the great animal better.

Eventually, they came to the edge of a cliff that overlooked the water. Costia pulled up and waited for Lexa to join her. But her Heda was enjoying the view from a couple of yards away. Costia usually shaved her head, but for special occasions she would grow out a strip in the middle just enough to weave in horse hair to give the appearance of a long mohawk. Sometimes her mohawk was black or died different colors like red or purple. Tonight it was a silver gray color, from a horse that had been killed in battle against the Azgeda.

The moonlight gleamed down on the long strands of hair and Lexa couldn't help but murmur, "Yu laik meizen."

Costia blushed at the compliment and slipped off her horse. Lexa mimicked her movement and the two met between the horses. Costia ran her fingertips across Lexa's lips and said, "Ai hod yu in."

It was the first time she had said those words and the first time Lexa had heard them come from the lips of someone other than her mother. Costia cast her eyes downward and took a step back when Lexa didn't respond.

Panicking, Lexa quickly grabbed Costia's hand and pulled her into her arms. She could hear both of their hearts hammering as she wrapped her muscular arms around Costia's thin frame. The other girl buried her face into Lexa's hair and held on tight. In a whisper, Lexa calmed Costia's fears, "Ai hod yu in seintaim. Ai laik yun."

After kissing Lexa firmly, Costia placed both hands on Lexa's cheeks and rubbed away the black paint that was starting to run. With fire in her eyes and love in her heart, Costia said the words Lexa would reply in her head over and over again: "Ai Heda, ai niron."

But Costia was dead. There would be no more midnight horse rides or passionate sex in the Heda's bed. Gone were the days of stolen kisses and words of love. Costia was dead and Lexa was still the Heda. Being Heda meant moving past the death of her lover and continuing on for the best of her people. It also meant allowing Azgeda to join her coalition just six months after Queen Nia sent her Costia's head. Hodnes laik kwelnes, she would repeat in her mind during those trying times. Hondes laik kwelnes. And a Heda was not weak.

She remembered the first time she saw Clarke with her pale skin and long blonde hair, pleading for the Grounders to work with the Sky People to rescue those trapped in Mount Weather. Clarke had brought her a lock of Anya's hair at that first meeting. No, Lexa didn't trust her. Nor did she see her as an equal or an ally. But Clarke had offered her a way to save her people and when Abby Griffin shocked Lincoln back to life, Lexa saw the potential for an alliance.

But first, Lexa need Finn. Jus drein jus daun. And Clarke had been weak. Hondes laik kwelnes. It was a concept Clarke had never been able to understand. Lexa had tried to explain that- she even told Clarke about Costia, her beloved, standing over the ashes of Finn's body. The dead are gone. That's what Lexa had told Clarke that day. But she was only pretending. The pain never went away. Costia still haunted her dreams.

But Lexa didn't fall in love with Clarke at first sight as she had done with Costia. Clarke and the rest of Skaikru were a thorn in her side. The moment she saw Clarke as more than a scared girl trying to protect her people was when she drank out of the bottle they all thought to be poisoned. Clarke was brave and strong and beautiful. It just took Lexa longer to realize it.

But they were at war and the Heda did not have time to fall in love with the Skaikru girl. She didn't account for the pauna or how Clarke would save her life. But Clarke had proved herself when she allowed the destruction of Tondc. Watching Clarke become the leader her people needed had awoken something in Lexa that she hadn't felt in a long time. Talking with her, walking with her, and arguing with her- Lexa treasured every little moment.

Hondes laik kwelnes. Lexa tried to remind herself every time she saw Clarke. She knew how Titus would advise her. But her heart hammered every time Clarke spoke and her breath caught when Clarke called her out. Lexa had admitted something to Clarke that she couldn't even admit to herself- she cared for Clarke. She was weak and she had let her weakness overtake her.

Lexa hadn't kissed another woman since Costia. But seeing Clarke so full of life in that tent before they marched upon Mount Weather, Lexa had taken the chance. She needed to feel Clarke's lips on her own and she hadn't been let down. Now it was Clarke's kiss keeping her awake at night, not Costia's. The only problem was she would never have memories of Clarke like she did of Costia.

The only memory she had left of Clarke was of that fateful night at Mount Weather. The look of betrayal on Clarke's face when she revealed the deal she had made for her people would haunt her for the rest of her days. When she had left Clarke standing in the doorway, Lexa had begged for her to understand. She had to understand. This was for her people- Lexa was the Heda of the Coalition. She had to protect her people. Her head had overruled her heart.

But Clarke's tearful eyes had caused Lexa to turn her back and walk away, lest she start to cry as well. Clarke didn't understand how much it had pained her to betray them and Lexa didn't blame her. So now Lexa stood on her balcony over Polis. She had to be content with the choices she made to save her people, even if it left her with haunted nightmares of Clarke hating her. That meant lonely nights of remembering Costia and trying to forget Clarke.

A group of people carrying torches were headed for the entrance to the tower below her. Lexa dried her eyes with the back of her hand and turned to go back inside her rooms. If anyone was approaching the tower this late at night, they were bringing news to her, so Lexa grabbed a cloak off an armor stand in the corner and waited for the knock on her door.

When the door finally opened, Lexa was surprised to see Indra before her. The warrior Chief knelt in her Heda's bedroom. "Forgive me for disturbing you this late, Heda. But I bring bad news."

"Go on." Lexa braced herself for the worst. Indra was the closest to Arkadia and had been given the task of watching over Skaikru and indirectly, Clarke. Indra rose to address Lexa.

"Azgeda marches on Trikru land."

Lexa stood in anger, "You're sure of this?" Queen Nia had always pushed at the bounds of their truce, but this was grounds for war.

"I saw them myself, Heda. I came directly here to tell you." Indra hesitated before adding, "And there is a rumor…"

"I do not put faith in rumors, Indra," replied Lexa in surprise. "I wouldn't think you would either."

"I would not, but I thought you would want to hear this one." Indra looked anywhere but her commander's eyes. "It seems that Queen Nia has put out a bounty for the one they call Wanheda."

"Wanheda?" The commander of death? Lexa didn't bother to hide her confusion.

"Klark com Skaikru."

Lexa's breath caught in her throat and it felt as if her heart stopped beating. Clarke. Clarke was in danger. Clarke- the commander of death. Clarke wasn't the commander of death, Lexa was. Everything Clarke had done in Mount Weather to save her people had been Lexa's fault. Costia's blank eyes and severed head floated into Lexa's mind.

"Thank you, Indra," Lexa managed to say without any indication of how much the news affected her. Indra took her leave, but before Lexa's guards could close her door, the Heda gave an order. "Bring me Prince Roan of Azgeda."

Hosa: rider (as in horse rider)

Yu laik meizen: You are beautiful.

Ai hod yu in (seintaim): I love you (too)

Ai laik yun: I am yours.

Ai Heda, ai niron: My Commander, my lover.

Hodnes laik kwelnes: Love is weakness

Jus drein jus daun: Blood must have blood.

Pauna: gorilla