Everything I'm Not

"Speech"

Thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH!

Chapter 9: Revelations

--

Botan lay awake in her bed the following morning still finding herself smiling at the thought of yesterday. Hiei said we were friends...he even said my name! Now that's what I call progress. She would've never thought the heartless demon who kidnapped Keiko so long ago would be her house guest for a week, and she never thought she would end up falling ...in love with him.

The ferry girl pouted as she drew the covers up over her head. While they were making progress it was so hard to tell if Hiei held any romantic feelings towards her. It even sounded absurd in her mind. Hiei falling for the ditsy Botan. That will be the day when all three worlds are merged into one and united under the rule of magical bunnies. Yes, it was that absurd.

It was just so hard to tell with Hiei. One minute he'd do something totally out of character and the next, he'd be giving you the cold shoulder. Although many things were confusing right now, one was clear as day. Botan had grown accustomed to Hiei's presence and felt at ease when she was with him. They didn't even have to talk, she was just comfortable being in his presence.

Maybe he was comfortable with her too. Comfortable enough to taunt and tease her. To explain his motives about Yukina. To call her a friend. And... Botan thought with a smile, say my name. Just like that Botan was back to square one. Acting like a giddy school girl with a first crush. It was sad, really it was. But right now, Botan could care less.

The alarm clock rang, breaking Botan out of her thoughts. She sighed as she threw the covers off of her figure.

--

Hiei had finished training and was taking a shower. Thinking back to last nights events he mentally sighed. The way he acted towards Bo- the onna. It was too friendly, for him at least. She was breaking through everyone of his walls and he wasn't doing a thing to stop her.

Calling her by her name for one. What the hell was he thinking? Everyone in their group had a name. Yusuke was the detective, Kuwabara was the oaf or baka, Kurama was the fox, and Botan was the onna. Why he called her by her name was beyond all comprehension. And the way she reacted to it was even more far fetched. Her features lit up like a child in a candy shop. It was so easy to please her.

Furthermore he even called her a friend. What inspired him to say such sentimental garbage was beyond him. The way she reacted when he said that they were friends, it was too much. She was too easy to please. And what was worse, what made this situation unbearable, was the fact that deep down Hiei actually liked pleasing her.

The way her eyes sparkled with happiness made his heart do foreign things. Hiei wasn't used to this. He couldn't possibly have those sorts of feelings for her. She was... she was the onna after all! He shut off the water, stepped out of the shower and wrapped his towel around his waist.

Enough was enough. He thought about the onna far too much for one morning. He shouldn't be thinking about her so much. It was... unnatural.

--

By the time Hiei had gotten dressed and walked into the kitchen, breakfast was ready.

"Morning Hiei." Botan smiled at him like she usually did every morning and Hiei forced himself to look away. The way she smiled at him... he couldn't take it.

"Hn." He answered in his usual manner as he sat down.

Botan placed his food in front of him still smiling sweetly. "Did you sleep well Hiei?"

Hiei shrugged. "Same as every night."

"Did your training go well, Hiei?" She sat down on the opposite side of the table and started munching on her toast.

He began to eat as well. "I suppose," he muttered in between bites.

"That's good. Do you have anything in particular you'd like to do today, Hiei?" Botan sweat dropped. She was running out of things to ask and he still hadn't said her name yet!

Hiei looked up from his food and eyed the girl suspiciously. She was smiling a bit too much this morning and her voice was a bit too sugary. "What do you want?"

Botan looked away from his gaze putting on an innocent face. "What are you talking about? Can't a friend ask another friends questions?"

"You won't let that go will you?" Hiei was really starting regret last night. Why couldn't he just keep his thoughts to himself?

She shook her head no and her ponytail swayed with the sudden movement.

"Maybe I should take it back." The half-koorime smirked as Botan's eyes widened.

"No!" She shouted a bit too loudly. Blushing a bit she continued, "I know it was probably really hard for you to admit that, but I'm glad you did! I'm sure it didn't mean that much to you, Hiei, but it meant a lot to me. So please... don't take it back."

Hiei sighed. "You really are a baka, onna. It's already been said, taking it back won't do much good since its already out in the open."

"Onna?" Botan echoed as she frowned. "I thought you were going to call me by my name from now on!" She resembled a two year old as her pink lips formed a pout.

Hiei snorted. "I never said that. Plus I think you imitated me enough last night, if I hear your name one more time-"

"You heard that?!" She shrieked. All the blood rushed to Botan's face and her heart began to beat wildly. I can't believe he heard that! I might as well just go crawl under a rock and die. He probably knows I like him! Good going Botan, you've ruined everything.

Hiei smirked. "Yes, I heard it. They were just theories before, but now I'm sure you must have been born with some sort of mental illness."

Botan "hmphed" as she crossed her arms. "I'm perfectly sane, Hiei. It's just that... I get excited over the small things, okay? That's why I was repeating you." Smooth Botan... real smooth.

"I know," Hiei said.

"So don't think it's because I'm insane or I'm harboring some sort of secret- what?" She stopped talking and stared at him incredulously.

"I said, I know. You're far too easy to please. You are the type of person who would get excited over the most trivial thing and concentrate on it for days."

She blinked. "I am?"

He nodded and continued to eat his breakfast.

Well I guess I am a bit like that... Hm. He actually notices things about me? It was odd how that made her heart feel content. The fact that Hiei paid enough attention to her characteristics means there might be some hope for her crush... right? She sighed. A girl could only hope.

They finished their meal in silence. As Botan went to clear the dishes she said the first thing that came to mind... in attempt the regain some sort of conversation between the two. "Say, Hiei..."

He glanced over at the girl, awaiting her response.

"When this is all over, what will you be doing?"

Hiei thought for a moment. "The same as I always have. Work."

So nothing will change. She thought sadly.

Hiei watched as her expression fell. Was she actually disappointed. What did she think he could just come back to her apartment and... and... be with her... like this?

"What's wrong, onna?"

She snapped out of her thoughts. "It's nothing. I just got used to you being here is all."

Botan had gotten used to living with him? She wasn't on edge... she wasn't fearful... she wasn't disgusted? He was the Forbidden Child. He was a criminal. He had committed so many crimes... yet she was at ease with him. It didn't make any sense. She couldn't have possibly fallen for him, could she? His birth was an unwanted, he wasn't supposed to be alive, he didn't deserve love. She shouldn't fall for him. "Don't..." his voice sounded almost pained but was cut off by the ringing of the telephone.

Botan quickly picked up the phone. "It's for you, Hiei..." Botan handed him the phone.

"What?"

"Hey bud. It's me, Yusuke. We're all going for a picnic and I was wondering-"

"Hn. I decline." He was about to hand the phone back to Botan but Yusuke's pleading stopped him.

"Hear me out. I know Botan will come, of course, but maybe you won't be so reluctant after you hear what I've got to say." The spirit detective's voice was taunting and it was irritating Hiei.

"I'm listening."

"Right. So, word on the street is... yes on the street because I roll like that-"

"-Would you spit it out already you buffoon."

"Alright, alright, fine. Kuwabara's gonna make his move on Yukina today and I thought you'd like to be there, you know, to protect your sister."

Hiei's fists closed and tightened at the mention of his sister and the oaf. He abruptly hung up the phone with a deadly expression in his ruby eyes.

"What's wrong?" Botan immediately rushed to him.

"The oaf... my sister... he..."

Botan shook his shoulders. "Pull yourself together, Hiei!"

"He wants to court my sister," Hiei spat out in disgust.

Botan sighed with relief. "That's all. The way you reacted I thought they were in danger or something!"

"That's all?" Hiei repeated. "That oaf has no right to even look at her, let alone court her!"

"C-calm down, Hiei. Kuwabara is a very caring and kind person. He would never do anything to harm Yukina, and you know it deep down. Maybe it could be good for the both of them!"

Hiei glared at her clenching his teeth. "What good is he for her?"

"Have you ever thought that maybe Yukina might like him back?"

Hiei snorted. "No." It was absurd. Hiei couldn't understand why anyone would fall for the oaf, much less his sister.

"Well I think she does. Kuwabara treats her with nothing but adoration and respect. I'd be happy if I found a guy like him."

Hiei suddenly found himself very disgusted. "So why don't you go mate him." The thought of Botan and Kuwabara was just about equally as bad as Yukina and Kuwabara.

"Don't be silly, I don't have those sort of feelings for him! You're making things very difficult, Hiei!" Botan suddenly found herself frustrated. How could he push her to other guys like that when she wanted him alone?

Hiei crossed his arms. "Hn."

Before Botan could say another word the phone rang again.

"Hello?"

"Hey Botan. I'm sure Hiei told you-"

"-Yes, Kuwabara is planning on revealing his feelings for Yukina, I know."

"No, not that. We're going on a picnic, so you guys are in right?"

"Uh... sure... but what about..."

"Don't worry about it, the only reason I brought it up was so our favorite temperamental demon would show up."

"So it's not true?!"

"Of course it's true."

"Yusuke, are you crazy? Hiei will probably kill-" She looked over at Hiei and sighed. "Well since you started all of this I hope you'll take responsibility for whatever happens. I'm going to have fun and that's all, got it?"

"Sure thing Botan, I'll deal with it."

Hiei could hear the conversation from across the room with his demonic hearing. Yusuke was giving Botan the address of the park and other trivial details. But none of that mattered. He was so pissed. How his sister could see anything in that oaf was beyond Hiei.

Botan sighed. "Hiei are you going to go to the picnic?"

"I'm going."

"Look, I'm sure you don't want to hear any of this, but it has to be said. If Yukina does accept his feelings, what will you do? Will you take away her happiness by stopping her from being with Kuwabara? Think of what it will do to her. I bet she's really lonely right now, especially since she still hasn't found her brother yet. Maybe this is the best thing for her."

Hiei stopped in his tracks. Sometimes, but only sometimes, the onna was really perceptive. The majority of the time she was a clueless ditz. So why did she have to go all intuitive on him now?

When he really thought about it nobody would ever be good enough for Yukina in his eyes. Kuwabara pissed him off, but he had a similar type of honor code to Hiei's when it came to women. He probably would treat her better than most men, ningen or demon.

"I won't kill him because that's against Reikai's rules," Hiei lied. He probably wouldn't kill Kuwabara even if there were no rule against it, but he would never admit that to himself. "But if he goes one step out of line I swear I'll-"

"I got it, Hiei." Botan smiled. "Just think about what I said."

"Hn."

"Anyway, today is supposed to be about fun! Let's not ruin it with any fighting."

Hiei smirked as he thought of all the ways to fry Kuwabara. "I can't promise that."

Botan rolled her eyes. She knew Hiei wouldn't hurt anybody... well... he wouldn't mortally wound anyone today. "Well I'm going to get ready. I've got the directions written down, and everyone else seems to have prepared everything, so we're free of any duties."

Hiei nodded, not really listening. He was still upset over the news he had heard about Yukina and Kuwabara.

After changing and exiting the apartment Botan looked down at the directions. "This park is pretty far from here... it'll probably take forever to get there on foot."

"Get on," Hiei said as he motioned for her to get on his back.

She hesitated, wondering the effects of close proximity to Hiei would have on her heart. "I-I could just use my oar..."

"You'll just slow me down that way. You know I'm faster," he retorted, pride seeping through his words.

Botan handed him the directions and reluctantly climbed on his back. She hooked her arms around his upper body and her legs around his waist, not wanting to fall. Without so much of a warning he dashed off, eager to get this meeting over with.

Botan let out a small squeal and held onto him tighter as everything became a blur. "You could've warned me first!"

Hiei just smirked in response. They were whizzing past trees as Hiei gracefully jumped from one tree to the next. Looking down she gulped. It would be one hell of a fall if she lost her grip on Hiei or if Hiei lost his balance.

"S-slow down Hiei there's no rush!" Her grip on him tightened.

"Relax, Botan. I won't let you fall."

The way he said it made her heart flutter. Hiei wasn't a romantic, and she knew that. He didn't say it like the actors did in those sappy romance films. It was more of a statement, but it was filled with promise. Botan knew he wouldn't let her get hurt and let go of her fears. Once she stopped worrying, she realized it wasn't so bad.

"You know, this is actually kind of nice." She smiled.

Hiei agreed. But he was talking about their proximity... not their transportation. Having her be so close to him felt good. It felt natural. It felt right. Before he could give it anymore thought they reached a clearing. Hiei stopped. "Is this the park?"

Botan nodded. "It looks like we're the first ones here."

Hiei smirked, his ruby eyes full of arrogance. "Of course we are."

That's when Botan realized she was still clinging to him. "I should probably get off now." She was blushing as she let go of him and got off. As soon as she reached the ground her legs wobbled and gave way. Before she fell Hiei caught her.

"I guess I'm a little dizzy," she said embarrassed.

Hiei was holding her up, one arm hooked around her waist and the other on her back, steadying her. They were close... so close...

Holding her like this, it was like torture for Hiei. It felt good... but inside he was conflicted. He had this strong urge to protect her. When she was afraid of falling, he promised her he wouldn't let her fall, and he meant it. His heart twisted painfully at the thought of her getting hurt. Then when she almost fell just now. The urge to keep her safe; to not let any harm befall her was so strong. Why were these instincts arising in him? They made it hard to push her away like he intended to once this week was over.

Why did she mean so much to him? Why now? He was perfectly content up until now being alone. He didn't need anyone, but now all that had changed.

Botan looked up at Hiei. He looked so pained... so confused. She wanted to erase that pain... the look on his face was almost unbearable. Reaching up, Botan placed her hand on his face. The contact broke Hiei out of his thoughts and he immediately let go of her.

"I shouldn't have gone so fast." Hiei put his hands in his pockets and avoided any unnecessary eye contact.

Botan shook her head. "No, it's not your fault. Don't worry about it." Botan couldn't even look at him. Why she touched him... she didn't know. She just wanted to comfort him.

"I forgot how weak you are," he said smirking. "Next time I'll slow down."

Botan sat down on the grass and grinned. "Whatever you say Hiei." As long as he didn't have that expression on his face, he could taunt her all he wanted. "The others should be here soon, please refrain yourself from hurting Kuwabara. Remember what I said!" She put her kitty face on and grinned even wider.

"Hn. What makes you think I have to give any thought to what you say." He sat down as well, crossed his arms defensively and frowned. Thoughts of Kuwabaka and his sister in... love... plagued his mind.

"Because..." Botan stood up and put on the cockiest smirk she could think of. "I'm Botan, Pilot of the River Styx, Grim Reaper, Head Ferry Girl, and wielder of the Oar of Death!" She summoned it and pointed it at Hiei. There was silence for a while and Botan wondered if Hiei was every paying attention to her.

Hiei looked up at her from his seated position and after a few seconds, he was no longer able to contain his laughter. "That ...is just... too ridiculous," he said in between chuckles.

Realizing how crazy she looked she dematerialized her oar, and sat down. Soon after she began to laugh as well. When the laughter subsided she pointed at him and smirked once more. "I know that laughter is just a defense mechanism. You're scared out of your wits Hiei Jaganshi."

"Of course I am." He replied sarcastically. "And while we're having revelations I might as well tell you, the fox is really an onna." Botan couldn't stop the burst of laughter that came out of her mouth and soon she was in the midst of full-blown laughter, the kind that made your stomach hurt. If she weren't laughing so hard she probably would've been in shock, unable to believe that Hiei was joking around with her. But current thoughts of Kurama wearing a dress were fresh in her mind, blocking out all thoughts of rationality or comprehension.

"Don't you two look cute." Yusuke's voice broke them out of their laughter.

The duo looked up to see the whole gang holding baskets, blankets, and bags.

"Hey guys!" Botan immediately got up to greet them. She was always glad to see her friends.

"Was the shorty just laughing? I think the world is ending!" Kuwabara joked.

The sight of Kuwabara made Hiei growl. Yusuke quickly took the demon to a secluded corner to talk. "Hey Hiei. All that stuff I said was a lie. Kuwabara wasn't planning on telling anything to Yukina... well not today anyway!"

"WHAT!?"

The whole group heard Hiei's outburst and their heads turned to the direction Yusuke had dragged Hiei off into. Deciding, they'd rather not know, they continued unpacking everything.

"You see the truth is, I only said it so you'd come out here with us. Seeing as you usually don't show up to these occasions, I figured the best way to make up something about Yukina." Yusuke stopped talking and regretted it as soon as he saw Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Whoa, there, Hiei! Calm down! Don't get too mad at me. It'll probably happen eventually, so think of this as a... a practice run! You can thank me later!" Yusuke said hurriedly as he ran back to join up with everyone.

Hiei cursed all sorts of profanities directed towards the detective and trudged back to where everyone was setting up. "Bakas all of them..." he mumbled as he walked back.

"It's such a nice day, perfect for a picnic." Botan looked to the sky as she spoke. The girls agreed. "We should do stuff like this more often," Keiko added as Shizuru nodded in agreement.

"The human world is so beautiful." Yukina muttered to no one in particular.

"It is! And there's so much more places. I'll take you wherever you want to go ice-princess." Kuwabara clasped her hands in hers as she smiled and thanked him.

Botan looked over to Hiei and saw that hey had his hand on the hilt of his sword. She put her hand on his and have him a comforting smile. Once they realized their hands were still in contact both moved away quickly, avoiding all eye contact. Still a bit flustered Botan tried to avert everyone's attention. "...Is everything set up?"

"Yup. Dig in guys, food's ready, and try not to be pigs about it," Shizuru said knowing her advice wouldn't be taken. She moved out of the way so the boys could fight like cavemen and sighed, playing with a strand of her brown hair. "Boys will be boys."

After eating, they decided to play some trivial ningen came that Hiei could care less about. He sat on the side watching and contemplating his situation with Botan, trying to come to a rational conclusion. Deep down he knew what the logical conclusion was, but he did not want to admit that. Anything but that, so he kept on thinking of possible other conclusions. A little while later, Kurama came and sat beside him.

"I heard that comment about me earlier, Hiei. I didn't know you were one to make jokes," Kurama stated in a teasing manner.

Hiei looked away, a little embarrassed that Kurama had caught him making jokes with Botan, of all people. "Shut up, fox."

Kurama chuckled. "Well I'm here, if you need to talk."

"Hn." Hiei nodded. Kurama smiled as he left to rejoin the group.

As Hiei watched Kurama walk away, he wondered if Kurama ever heard of the expression curiousity killed the cat... or rather the fox in his case. Meddlesome fox.

--

The day went on with them just enjoying each other's company. They played a few games and Hiei joined in. Yukina was amazed by Hiei's speed. Kuwabara wasn't too happy, stating Hiei was cheating by using his super speed. No one else seemed to care, they were all just astonished Hiei actually joined in.

Night came too quickly for the group. Hiei found playing those ningen games actually took his mind off of Botan and at least served some purpose. When they started to play non-physical games was when Hiei decided to return to his much welcomed spot on the side. They were playing that blasted "truth or dare" game that got him into this whole mess. Botan giggled when he got up muttering something about useless ningen games.

"What's up with him?" Shizuru asked as they watched Hiei walk back to his usual spot.

"This is the game we played back at Genkai's Temple. It's sort of the reason why he had to stay with me for a week."

"Hiei actually fell for that?" Yusuke bellowed as he started to laugh. Soon the rest of the group began to laugh as well.

Hiei just shook his head as he wondered why fate liked to surround him with idiots.

--

About a half an hour later everyone was packing up. Within that half an hour Hiei had finally come to his conclusion. When Kurama came back to see if everything was okay with Hiei he nodded. Just as Kurama was about to leave Hiei spoke.

"I'm ready to talk, but it looks like the onna's ready to go." He saw her waving at him from the distance motioning for him to come to her.

Kurama stopped and turned around to face Hiei. "We can talk about it at some other time if you wish."

"No. I have to tell you now."

"Go on, then." Kurama urged.

"I have..." Hiei seemed to be struggling with himself, "...strong feelings for her. I don't know why, but I suddenly want to protect her. Kurama, I think I've fallen for the onna."

--

Ahhh! Oh my gosh she is back! Yep. And with an update! This chapter was just basically a lot of emotional battles and revelations and stuff. Hiei finally admits his feelings... out loud and Botan already knew from the beginning that she had feelings for Hiei. Hehe. Next chapter will be more HxB goodness. We're getting close to the end people! Thanks for your continued support and reviews. This chapter was rushed because I really wanted to update since I haven't in so long and I'm pressed for time! Please review and tell me what you thought!