Everything I'm Not
"Speech"
Thoughts
Disclaimer: I don't own YYH!
Chapter 10: Everything I'm Not
--
Yesterday's events were fresh in Kurama's mind as he prepared himself for another day of school.
Flashback
Kurama stopped and turned around to face Hiei. "We can talk about it at some other time if you wish."
"No. I have to tell you now."
"Go on, then." Kurama urged.
"I have..." Hiei seemed to be struggling with himself, "...strong feelings for her. I don't know why, but I suddenly want to protect her. Kurama, I think I've fallen for the onna."
End Flashback
Hiei had actually come to grips with his feelings for Botan. It was unbelievable. Kurama had known Hiei for quite some time now, and that being said, he understood him better than any of the Reikai Tantei. For him to articulate his feelings for Botan could only mean one thing; he was serious.
Hiei wasn't the type to fall in love easily. In fact, he would probably go through his whole life fighting the idea of love and its "useless emotions." He was cold, harsh, and realistic; his life held no room for abstract things such as love. Yet it crept up on him, and with the most unimaginable person possible.
Botan; the very girl who used to have nightmares about Hiei; the one who he threatened constantly; the one who he couldn't stand to be around, ended up being the very person he fell for.
Incredulous? Yes. Impossible? No, not entirely. The way Kurama saw it; anything was possible in a world with demons, humans, and spiritual beings. He had known for a while that Botan harbored feelings for the fire-demon. And now with the new information coming into play, Kurama was left with only one daunting question plaguing his mind.
What will Hiei do now?
After picking up his school-work, and checking to see if he had all of his books, Kurama proceeded to make his way towards his school.
--
Yesterday Hiei had confessed his feelings concerning Botan, to Kurama. Now that they were out in the open, did that make them real? Were they concrete? Was it impossible to turn away from his useless emotions now? Did he even want to?
Frustrated, Hiei began to make his way back to the apartment. Training lost its effect; he could no longer push his thoughts away with the swing of his blade. He couldn't go on like this. Not until he decided what he would do about his current situation.
When their deal was over, would he leave or stay?
Trudging slowly he stopped at the door of Botan's apartment. He was almost fearful of entering. Every time he was with her, he felt himself being sucked into her presence. She didn't even know the effect she had on him. Each passing moment he spent with the ditsy ferry girl, it became harder and harder to stop his feelings. It was upsetting.
Erasing these thoughts from his head, Hiei grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. She was turning him into a coward, and Hiei Jaganshi was no coward. As he stepped into the apartment, he was greeted with a view he wasn't expecting.
Botan was wearing nothing but a white towel which barely covered her eyes, and left nothing to the imagination. Hiei stood there, eyes traveling, memorizing the curves of her body. She was… Damn it! Cursing himself for staring so long, Hiei forcefully averted his gaze. Botan flushed as she saw Hiei and quickly ran into her room.
Great, so aside from being a spineless coward, he was a damn pervert too.
Moments later Botan came out, fully clothed. Her face held a tint of pink in it as she walked out awkwardly. "You came back earlier than usual from training. I-I didn't realize you were home!" She laughed nervously trying to break the tension in the room.
Hiei rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
"I'm sorry," she smiled sheepishly at him. "It won't happen again!"
He sat down. "Obviously not," his voice held a hint of aggravation within it. He was still angry at himself for staring at her like that.
Her brows furrowed at his statement. "What?" That's right; tomorrow will be his last day here. "Oh, you're leaving tomorrow. I forgot!" She put on a fake smile. "I bet you're just thrilled."
"Yes, because Mukuro's bitching and Haru's aggravating ways make my life complete," Hiei said as Botan laughed. She was beginning to take a liking to his sarcasm.
Making her way towards the kitchen she sighed. The apartment will be pretty lonely without Hiei, but she couldn't think of such things. She had to be strong, for now. "What do you want for breakfast?"
It seemed as thought Hiei didn't even have to think, his mouth had a mind of its own as he answered, "Ice cream."
She pondered on whether or not it was a good idea and eventually gave in. "Oh alright… fine. Ice cream it is."
--
"Kuwabara, remind me what the hell I'm doin' here again?" Yusuke bellowed as he followed his orange-haired friend.
"We're just checkin' up on our good friends," Kuwabara answered. They were headed for Botan's apartment. Kuwabara woke the detective up earlier than normal and told him to get dressed, without giving much of an explanation.
"Why?"
"It's all for my ice-princess, of course! According to their deal, time's running out for Botan and Hiei, right?"
"Right," Yusuke echoed lazily.
"And we promised Yukina it'd all work out, right?"
"Ah-huh," Yusuke nodded, trying to keep up with Kuwabara's logic.
"So that's what we're doin'. We're gonna make it right!"
Yusuke stopped in his tracks and sighed. "Well tell me something my brainless friend. How the hell are we gonna do that?"
Kuwabara stopped in his tracks. "I-uh well…" He trailed off laughing goofily. "I haven't thought about that part yet."
"I'm outta here." With that said spirit detective turned around and began walking in the opposite direction.
"No- wait!" Kuwabara stopped him, placing his hands on his shoulders. "What's the rush, Urameshi? I'll think up a plan as we go along. It's not like you got anything better to do anyway. Besides, do you actually want to go to school today, or something?"
"Hell no!" Yusuke scoffed. "It's just… something's telling me they don't need our help this time, Kuwabara."
He looked utterly confused at his friend's words. "I'm the one with the psychic bloodline, and you're getting vibes?" Kuwabara pointed to the detective incredulously.
"It's not like that, baka. It's just a hunch, and my hunches are usually right." Yusuke swatted Kuwabara's hand away from his face proceeded to walk away.
Running to catch up with him, Kuwabara conceded. "Fine, but if your hunch ends up being wrong, you better make it up to my beautiful ice-maiden!"
"Sure. I'll make it up to her," Yusuke said with a perverted grin on his face. "But only because you said I should." It was way too easy to get Kuwabara riled up.
The orange haired boy growled. "Not like that you disgusting pig!"
An argument escalated into a fight and the duo then began to cause a disturbance in the middle of the street. It was just another normal morning for the two.
--
"I'm off to work, Hiei." Botan straightened out her kimono as she walked out of her room.
He nodded.
"There are leftovers in the fridge and money on the table in case you want to go out and buy ice-cream or something."
Hiei nodded once more.
"I shouldn't be too long today, if anything comes up you can contact me with the communication device."
"Onna, I understand. Just go," Hiei urged. She was always like this when she left him alone. He was alone for most of his life, anyway. He wasn't an invalid; he could get by. He definitely did not need to be smothered by her affections.
"Okay, okay I'm going! Don't make a mess while I'm gone!" She teased as she left the apartment.
Hiei rolled his eyes at her stupidity and switched on the television. His plans for the day were simple: seek guidance from the fox. He knew he would have to wait a while until Kurama was finished with school, so all that was left was to pass the time. As he flicked through the television channels, he remembered why he hated ningens so much. I can't believe they waste their time watching this garbage.
Barely ten minutes had passed since Botan left, and Hiei found he was unbearably bored. Why did the onna always pester the toddler for vacations? She couldn't possibly intend to waste her time like this, could she?
Damn.
There he went again, thinking about her. Hiei growled as he gripped the remote harder than he intended.
"Ah, ah, ah. Botan wouldn't be happy if she came home and found out you'd broken her… eh, what is that thing, Hiei?"
Releasing the remote, Hiei looked up from his seated position. "…Haru," Hiei began exasperated. "What do you want?" The half Koorime was not in the mood for Haru or his tricks… not today.
"Relax, Hiei." The demon grinned, green eyes sparkling, as he waved Hiei off.
"I'm not in the mood." Hiei stood up. "So just state your reasons for coming, and be on your way."
Haru's mouth twisted into a pout and his eyes narrowed. "You're never any fun!" Hiei growled, and at this Haru continued. "I came here to tell you that Mukuro wants to see you ASAP." He conjured up a portal. "C'mon my vertically challenged friend, let's go." He waved, urging Hiei to make his way to the portal.
Hiei clenched his fists. "She can wait."
"Nuh-uh," Haru replied as he shook his head. "She says she needs to see you right away. The faster we get there the faster you can come back to your lover- ugh." Haru rubbed his stomach, wincing. "It was just a joke, geez, Hiei. You should really let loose sometimes." The demon looked up to see Hiei had already walked through the portal, leaving him in the dust.
"Hey, Hiei, wait up!" Haru caught up to the fire-koorime and smirked. "Impatient, are we?"
Hiei was silent as they walked through the dark corridors. Passing by soldiers, servants, and the like, they finally made their way to Mukuro's chambers. Hiei entered Mukuro's lair, Haru right behind him.
"You wanted to see me?" Hiei wasted no time with formalities.
Mukuro smirked. "You haven't been neglecting your duties, have you?"
"The great Mukuro can't manage without her second in command?" It was Hiei's turn to smirk now. His arrogance was expected and Mukuro thought nothing of it. If he came back to her any other way, she would be concerned.
"Of course I can. I'm just making sure you haven't forgotten where your loyalties lie. You leave without an explanation to play house with a ferry-girl and-"
Hiei glared. "Don't confuse it, Mukuro. I made a…" He thought for a moment. "…promise. And I intend to keep it."
Mukuro laughed. "That is so like you, Hiei. Your complicated honor-code seems to get you into more trouble than good."
"Hn."
"In any case, don't let her change you. I don't need a weakling as an excuse for my second in command."
"She and I will part ways tomorrow, and we'll both never have to here from her again." His voice dropped icily. "Do you understand?" Hiei paused. "Don't even think about bringing her any harm."
Hiei turned his back on Mukuro and began to walk out. "I'll return tomorrow."
"The portal is right outside waiting for you," Haru called as Hiei slammed the door shut. Once they were sure he was out of range, Haru began to crack up. "I told you, didn't I? He's totally in love with her!"
Mukuro let out a small chuckle. "It was just as you said," she responded.
"Yup. Maybe now Hiei'll lose the scowl, and he won't look like he's constipated all the time. She'll change him for the better."
"You know what?" Mukuro began, "You might be right on this one."
Haru's eyebrows quirked up as he faced Mukuro's direction and began to speak in his collected, "reserved-for-the-ladies-only" voice. "Because of my brilliant deductions, is it safe to say I'm due for a reward?"
Mukuro eyed him suspiciously. She had known him too well by now. "What exactly are you trying to say?"
"Do I get to raid your unmentionables?" A perverted grin etched onto his face, but was quickly removed. "Ow! You and Hiei have got to stop hanging out together," Haru claimed as he nursed his injured head.
--
"Fox," Hiei said as he blurred into Kurama's room.
"Would it kill you to use the door once in a while, Hiei? My mother's bound to realize-"
Hiei crossed his arms. "Hn. That doesn't concern me right now."
"Right. Well I'm all ears, Hiei."
--
"Wow, this is the first time I've ever been to your house, Keiko." Botan smiled as she entered the room.
Keiko motioned for Botan to sit on the bed with her. "So you and Hiei…"
Botan blushed. "Aha. What about the two of us?" She put on the kitten face she wore so well and feigned ignorance.
"Botan! Don't pull that with me. What's going on between you two?"
--
"I told you all there was to tell yesterday, at that foolish picnic."
Kurama was lost. "So why are you here right now?"
"I need you to tell me what to do, fox," Hiei retorted bluntly.
Kurama tried in vain to hold in his mirth, but soon it came out in chuckles. Hiei looked at the red head as if he were crazy. "What the hell is so funny?"
"Hiei, I can't solve your love problems. The decision rests on your shoulders alone."
"Hn." The temperamental demon glared and crossed his arms. "I should've known not to come to you." He began to stride towards the window, intent on exiting Kurama's room.
"Hiei, wait." Kurama called out, stopping Hiei from exiting through the window. "Your feelings for her, are you sure they aren't just lust?" Kurama knew they weren't, but he needed Hiei to come to terms with how he truly felt for Botan.
"Of course not you baka. I can control lust… but this feeling, it's…" Hiei licked his lips as his mouth ran dry. "I can't ignore it, no matter how hard I try."
"You know what this means don't you?" Kurama answered. When he was met with silence, he went on. "You're in-"
"-Stop. Listen to yourself Kurama. It's ridiculous. She's… she's Kurama's top ferry-girl, and I'm a demon. It's absurd."
"We've seen and experienced much weirder things, Hiei."
"I don't think you're listening, fox. She's the loud-mouthed, infuriating onna. She's the hopeful fool that puts the well-being of other's ahead of her own. She's pure and innocent… she's everything I'm not."
Kurama's eyes softened. "Love is blind, Hiei."
"But why her. She deserves more than I can give, more than I'm willing to give," Hiei confessed finally.
"Give yourself a chance. Even you can learn to love."
"I don't want to," Hiei said hurriedly.
"It's too late for that; you're already in too deep."
Hiei sighed as Kurama went on. "Look, if you decide to stay with Botan, you have to be with her wholeheartedly. If you're able to push past all this self-doubt and be with her, you've got to protect not only her heart but her well-being. You're Mukuro's second-in-command. I'm sure you've got some enemies, even without that title. It wouldn't be beneath some to use her to get to you. I believe in you, now all that's left is for you to believe in yourself."
"Perhaps you were of some use, fox." With that said Hiei vanished.
--
"Nothing's going on between the two of us, Keiko, and that's the truth." Botan looked down. "That's the way it was meant to be."
"Says who?" The brunette declared determinedly.
"Hiei could never have feelings for someone like me."
"Someone like you?" She echoed.
"Hiei's brave and fearless." Botan's eyes softened as she thought about the demon. "He's a powerful and respected. He's fiercely loyal and dependent. He's, well … he's everything I'm not!"
"Don't count yourself out, Botan!" Keiko patted the girl on the back. "You've got tons of great qualities too. You're-"
Botan smiled at her friend's attempts. "-It's okay Keiko. It's pretty obvious Hiei doesn't feel the same about me, no matter how many good qualities I've got. Even if I had dared him to stay a year, it wouldn't change his feelings for me."
"What?" Keiko started at Botan in disbelief.
Botan's eyes widened and began to wave her hands around frantically. "Don't get me wrong, this past week has been one of the best weeks of my life. Hiei and I are much closer because of it, and that's all I need."
"Are you sure?" Keiko's eyes narrowed, inspecting her friend's facial expressions.
Botan nodded. "I'm thankful I got the chance to spend so much time with him. He even said we were friends." Botan smiled at the memory. "Really, I'm okay, Keiko. I better get going."
"I'll see you later then…" Keiko hugged Botan, and then the ferry-girl departed.
--
As Botan entered her apartment she let out a small sigh. It was definite now. She would have to let Hiei go. It was bad enough she basically forced him to live with her for a week, she couldn't possibly ask him to stay. Revealing her feelings towards him would not only make things awkward between them, it could possibly cause a rift in their already unstable relationship.
She wanted to end things on a good note. Rather than draw out his stay, Botan figured it would be a pleasant surprise (for him, at least) if she broke their agreement, and let him leave now. Her heart felt heavy at the thought of Hiei leaving, but it was for the best… really it was.
When Botan reached Hiei's door she stopped. It was now or never. Before she lost her fortitude, Botan took in a deep breath and knocked on the door.
--
Hiei was lying on his bed, replaying his conversation with Kurama in his mind. He wasn't willing to put Botan in danger, and Kurama had unknowingly given him the solution to his problem. Risking Botan's life to satisfy his growing feelings towards her was not something Hiei would do. It was out of the question. Just knowing she was safe was enough for him. He had finally found a good enough reason not to stay.
If he had succumbed to his feelings and confessed to Botan, and if by chance she felt the same way, who knows what harm could come her way. His job was dangerous; he wouldn't drag Botan into that type of peril. The less he thought of her, the safer she was, and the better of they both were. Hiei smirked to himself; he would have to thank Kurama for his advice one day.
A knock on the door broke Hiei out of his thoughts. "Come in." Botan walked in to find Hiei lying on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Did I wake you?"
"No." He seemed at ease, much more than usual.
"Say, Hiei." Botan put on her best grin and tried to sound as cheery as possible. "When we've parted, will you come back… to visit?
"Probably not."
"Oh." Her eyes fell and her voice lowered an octave. "Well I guess that's all there is too it, then…"
"What are you babbling on about, onna?" Hiei cracked open an eye slowly to look at the girl before him. Something about her expression was off. Her shoulders were slightly hunched and she was looking towards the floor.
"Onna…" He called to her again and her gaze shifted from the floor to his face. Her blank expression changed into a smile and she put her hands on her hips.
"Hiei … you can leave. You've got work. You have your life in Makai. It's wrong of me to keep you here, anyway."
"What?" His gaze bore into her own. Did she not want him around anymore?
"I know the deal was intended for you to leave tomorrow, but, I see no reason to keep you here against your will. I've had my fun!" She lied, keeping the same strained smile on her face.
She had her fun? This whole week was nothing but her selfish attempt to have some amusement? The thought angered him. Here he was, going through utter agony, while she was just playing around. Hiei had gone through many days having her effect his every thought… while she hadn't given any thought about him and his feelings when she dared him to live with her.
She was the one who came up with such a ridiculous proposal, and in the end, he was the one who suffered from it. Hiei got off the bed and made his way towards Botan. Stopping in front of her, he replied, "You were the one who wanted me here in the first place. You shouldn't be so fickle, onna." He continued to make his way towards the door.
Her amethyst eyes widened. "Hiei, that's not it!" Did he actually think she didn't want him here?
He stopped and turned to her smirking. "Don't bother. You were the one who came up with the proposal, not me. It's not like I wanted to be confined to this apartment, anyway." His voice was so cold, so filled with contempt, it made Botan want to shiver. His ruby eyes held nothing but indifference when he looked at her, and his mouth was twisted in that same contemptuous smirk he wore so well. It reminded her of the days when they weren't friends, back when he was evil.
In an instant she had regretted her decision. She didn't want to go back to being the annoying ferry girl who was afraid of him. She liked being so close and comfortable with him. Botan grabbed his arm in an attempt to make him stop.
"Let go." It was better this way. He'd leave, and they could go back to their normal lives, away from each other. It's the way things were meant to be.
"No. Not until you hear me out first."
He glared at her, his crimson eyes piercing her amethyst orbs. Botan wasn't afraid. She was determined to make him see what he meant to her. If this had occurred a while back, she wouldn't have been so brave in front of him, but things were different now.
"This past week meant a lot to me, Hiei. You've opened up to me so much… I never would've thought I could feel so comfortable and at ease with you around. I've gotten so used to you being here that the apartment will probably seem empty when you're gone. The truth is I don't want you to leave."
"Stop." What was she doing? He had just gained the resolve he needed to leave her and his emotions revolving around her behind in this apartment. Every word she uttered seemed to crack at his resolve, threatening to break it.
"I used to be afraid of you, you know. I don't know when or how, but now I'm at ease when you're near. I don't get nervous or fearful, in fact I feel safe when you're around. I feel like nothing and nobody can hurt me if you're here with me."
"Onna…"
"Underneath all those death-threats and insults, you're no different from the rest of us. You experience the same things we do; you feel the same way we do. You cover up your emotions and harden your heart, but behind that cold exterior, is a person I admire. More than admiration … I-"
"Don't," He warned.
"I've fallen in love with you, Hiei."
"You shouldn't have said that," Hiei said in a strained voice as he grabbed her shoulders.
Her eyes widened. "What?" Botan hardly had time to think as she was pulled closer towards Hiei, and his lips were on hers.
--
Ohhhh my, MystiKoorime updated?! Haha. Yes I did. Don't worry this isn't the end. I think I've got one more chapter in store for this fanfic, and then it's the end. Wow. That makes me sad. Thank you for all the reviews I've gotten so far. I think I have the best reviewers in the world, because even though I take forever to update, you guys still follow my stories. Your reviews make my day! I had fun writing this chapter (even though it took me forever to update), and I hope you all love it too! Thanks again, everyone!
