Day 22

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"Are you kidding me?!" I say and knock at Rhodey's apartment door. Through the door I hear a muffled response. "Aww, c'mon, let me in."

The door opens lightly and Rhodey gives me a death glare. I raise an eyebrow and try to think of an apology.

"What's the magic word?" He asks sternly.

Oh god. Just let me in for once.

"I ain't gonna say it."

I lay my hand flat on the wooden door so he wouldn't close it in my face.

"Did you forget whose feelings you've hurt first?" Yeah, like you're more important than Pepper.

"I want to see her." What the hell is happening to me? I can't even pronounce her name anymore, or what?

"Fire away!"

I try to push the door slightly but he's holding up well. I may have drank a few cans of Red Bull on my way here so it shouldn't be a problem. So why can't I just---

"Aha!" I shout triumphantly as Rhodey falls down to his butt and I make my way into his apartment unceremoniously.

I don't wait for his permission as I search her with my heart in my throat. I don't even know what I should say to her. I mean I've been thinking about this the whole ride home, but any hard I tried I couldn't form a sentence, let alone a whole discussion.

Kitchen no. Living room no. Rhodey's bedroom no. The bathroom nope. Where the hell is she?

There's only one room left. The guest room. I stop in my tracks and look back at Rhodey. He's right, I shouldn't have yelled at him, and it's not like he's there in Siberia to take care of Natasha himself. That would be outlandish.

"You were right." I admit and clear my throat. "I'm sorry, platypus…"

"You're sorry, eh?" He asks and pats my shoulder. "You've hurt her more that you've hurt me and she should get a proper apology, Tony."

"Riiiight…" I whisper and turn on my heels. I put my hand onto the door knob and twist slightly.

"What if she's going to-" I start asking but Rhodey cuts me off.

"She's not going to."

I open the door gently, hesitantly and walk in, careful not to disturb her. She's on one side of the bed with her back at me. At first I think she's asleep but a slight movement of her head makes me reconsider. I get off my sneakers and jacket and crawl under the warm blanket with her. I want to pull her to me, bodies pressed tight with no space between us, because that's the way it should be.

I snuggle as much as I can – my chest pressing against her back. I bury my face in her neck and gently brush my lips on her skin while my arm wraps around her waist protectively. We stay like that for a couple of minutes, my mind slowly drifting into unconciousness after so many days without sleep.

I wake up to a familiar smell filling my nose and a warm breath on my chest – fingers stroking my goatee. I suppose we don't even have to talk about what happened.

"Uh…" I whisper and catch her fingers with my mouth.

Pepper raises her head from the crook of my neck and stares at me.

"Sorry." I say and let go of her fingers. "You taste good." I mumble softly but I don't look in her eyes. I can't. I'm too ashamed of what I've done.

"I know I shouldn't have, Pepper. I'm sorry. And I think you have every single reason on this whole Earth to be mad at me right now. I know I should have waited instead of rushing, b-but I'm so extremely fucked up in my head and it's all because of you. You just…" I tell her, barely breathing. "I mean I know I should have apologized about her then, but I couldn't. I kept taking a step forward and two back with you and now I just want to fix all those mistakes."

God I want a drink.

"And I guess you wouldn't have let me kiss you that night if she hadn't escaped, but she has and you're here and I'm here and I-" I swallow hard and look at her neck where a blackish mark says it all. "I'm sorry for making you cry and worry about me and I know I'm an asshole and idiot, and a uncaring bastard, and I'm sorry because not all of them are entirely true."

Yeah, drink. I'd better get up and put my head under the shower.

"I'm really, really sorry for not letting you decide this." I whisper and look at the tiny space between us. "I know you're used to it but I'm not. It's a new kinda thing for me and hell, I don't even know why they call me a 'genius' if I can't put my own needs aside and actually look into it." I breathe out nervously.

"And I'm kinda nervous too," I admit sheepishly. "So if you're gonna say it, say it now and spare me from a really big nervous break-down because I can't breathe and you're not saying anything and that means that I'm wrong and you don't wanna talk to me, and I, uh," Breathe, lunatic. "Please say something." I plead with her and finally let myself take a short look at her face.

She's not saying anything though. Her face expression is neutral and that hurts a little bit more than I've expected.

"Great…" I breathe out, my voice breaking with raw emotion I'd rather not face it. Slowly but securely my last hope fades away along with the last piece of my shattered sanity. "I'm gonna go now, prepare myself for uh…"

Please say something, please please please please.

"For the uh…" I sit up and take my leather jacket along with my sneakers. My entire body throbs with – with… something I don't even recognize. Disappointment, I guess. Again.

I look for a brief moment into her eyes and that's the last straw. Nothing. Emptiness and shattered dreams. Emotion and thick tension.

"Say something?" I whisper and let my eyes fall down to the floor. "Goodbye? I hate you? Go to hell?"

I'd rather prefer the last two of them. They wouldn't be so cruel as the first one.

"Something? Can you even see me or I'm invisible?" I wave my hand in frustration and close my eyes, wanting so desperately to be home in my own bed right now. "Hello?"

No answer.

"Great." I murmur again and clench my jaw. I wish I could just blurt out those three words, but they'll only do more damage.

"something…something…something…" Nothing. That's just it. Love. I was sooooo damn right at the very beginning. Love isn't what I want. Love is just a waaayy biiiiiggggg disappointment.

She's at her feet before I can comprehend and she kisses me so softly that it doesn't even feel real. It didn't even start that it's gone and I can feel her smiling against my lips.

"You taste like Red Bull." Comes her late answer and I can't help but smile back and take her in my arms and kiss her so desperately that I can't even remember the stupidest things I've ever thought in my whole life just earlier.

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Day 23 faster???