Disclaimer: not mine..."If wishes were turtles...Ninja turtles" ;)
*Sorry for the random drop of the face of the planet...I nearly killed my computer...but it's fine now*
Chapter 4: Hate
Raph's POV
Ever hated yourself? I mean down right hated yourself? Like you feel you shouldn't be allowed to live because of what you did or said? I killed Leo...I killedhim...I might not have put my Sai through his heart or slit his throat...but I tore his heart out...I broke my brother's heart...convinced him that he killed Master Splinter....made him think I didn't trust him...didn't need him...
I woke up yesterday after the fight with Leo...and I barely remember anything from that morning other than Leo throwing himself over the rail, I have flashbacks of it...I close my eyes and I see Leo jumping....his head hitting that pipe and him disappearing under the water...we still haven't found his body...its been over a day...
Mikey sleeps in Leo's bed all wrapped up in the quilt Master Splinter made him...Don won't come out of his room, he's got the door locked, I forced my way in the other day and took anything he could use to hurt himself...just in case...I don't think I can handle losing someone else...I think I'll snap...Mikey hasn't eaten since he saw Leo jump...neither has Don....I don't want to lose them...I don't deserve to take care of them though after what I did...I wish Leo would've killed me instead of himself...I'm sitting at the table, staring down at our family photo album...the picture I'm looking at is of Leo...its one of the few times he actually smiled...it was taken last Christmas...his last Christmas...I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up.
Its April, before I can stop her she hugs me. I find myself falling apart and cling to her, tears pouring down my face. I fight the sobs until she hugs me tighter and starts rubbing my carapace, then I can't help but sob.
"I-I-I miss 'im April...I-I want 'im ta' come back...I-I can't believe said that to 'im April...I want my brother back," I get out between sobs. April just holds me and rubs my carapace. I can't stop the tears now and all I can do is cry. When I finally cry myself dry...I pull away and wipe my face.
"Raph...its not-" April starts.
'I TOLD 'IM THAT STUFF! I DROVE 'IM TO IT! SO DON'T TELL ME ITS NOT MY FAULT!" I look away ashamed of my outburst, but I can't help it...I killed him...
"Raph...it was h-his decision to jump...he saw you all there remember? He saw you all try to stop him...he made his decision," April says softly as she makes me look at her," R-Raph...he was depressed before Master Splinter died..."
I feel my eyes widen and look at her in shock. I shake my head desperately.
"No...not Leo he's stronger than that...what would he-why would he have been?" I gasp out.
"He never told me...he just asked me to get a hold of some meds for him...he said he's had problems with it since he was a kid," April replies. I can't think...my "perfect" brother had problems with depression?
"So what I said to 'im...April...if he was...the things I said...it only made it worse," I gasp. She shakes her head.
"He was on the Meds Raph I made sure everyday I made sure he took them," She comforts, she points to the picture I was looking at," He got those Meds in his system a few weeks before I took this...he was happy Raph...genuinely happy...he has been...since he's been on those. Raph he loves you guys...he envied you ya know...your strength." I look at her startled.
"He said you were stronger than him," she whispered," emotionally Raph not physically...he said you could at least control your anger he couldn't control his depression...he looked up to you Raph."
"And I hurt 'im," I whisper. She puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Raph-" she starts.
"I. HURT. HIM!" I get out," I-I...he needed me...us and we turned our backs on him...April...we hurt 'im so bad...we said things... I hit 'im...I nearly beat 'im...during that fight...we let him DROWN!" I get and pull away...I find myself running in the sewers and I start searching frantically for any sign of Leo...any sign. I need to find him...I have to...if there is even the slightest chance he lived...I have to tell him I love him...I have to apologise...
Leo please be alive...please...
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Whew..."sob"...ok Please leave me a Review...
