One Friday evening after a particularly taxing week, Miranda and Andrea met at a wine bar uptown. They were already tipsy when they left and Miranda had invited her back to the townhouse for another round. They ended up on her sofa, talking. Like they always do. But Andrea was feeling herself brave, unlike other nights.
"Miranda, I need to tell you something" she said suddenly. Miranda looked surprised, concerned even. "What is it?" She asked. The words were on her lips, burning on her tongue but she was so afraid to speak them that she nearly bailed out.
"I have to be honest with you... I'm beginning to have these feelings" she started, Miranda perked up and the look on her face was morphing to an unreadable expression. "What feelings?" She pushed. "Feelings for you.. romantic feelings . I know you don't reciprocate. I... I just needed to get it off of my chest" she confessed.
Miranda said nothing for a long moment, mulling over the words and taking in what she had just said. "I see" she said softly, looking away. Her mind seemed to slip into a memory, her eyes were just staring. "I must be honest with you... this is unexpected" she told her. "I'm sorry, I've just made things so weird" Andrea said, covering her face with embarrassment.
"I think of you often Andrea" she told her. Her voice was soft and gentle, she came closer to her and pulled her hands from her face. "You haven't made me uncomfortable in the slightest" she smiled. The impulse was too strong, her drunkenness to powerful to stop her rational mind, Andrea leaned forward and pulled her face close to hers.
"Andrea... please" Miranda whispered. Andreas lips were so close, so close to touching hers that she could feel her warm breath. "I want you, Miranda" she told her.
The woman whimpered and pulled her in to hug her, turning her cheek so to take the temptation from her view. She squeezed her tightly against her body and the sweet sound Andrea loved so much was loud against her ear. "Oh sweetheart" she said sadly.
"I love being close to you but darling... you and I... we couldn't" she pulled away from her and held her face. "I don't want this to change us, what we have. I love having you in my life... I just... I can't". Andrea had never felt so sorry for another person in her life. There is something between them, something beautiful and pure yet Miranda has chosen to deny herself the freedom to feel it completely.
"I will always want more, I'll always look at you and want you in a way that I shouldn't... I can't go on torturing myself every time I'm around you" she wiped away her tears and pulled away from Mirandas hands. Her eyes focused on her lips and that very desire washed over her again, that instinct to kiss this beautiful woman.
"I feel it, Andrea I have these feelings for you that I can't control but..." she began again but Andrea stopped her "you can't be with me.. I know". Mirandas heart sank, she knew this young woman was hurting and seconds from walking out of her front door.
That was the last thing she wanted right now. She knew the turmoil inside her own heart that was stirred up again by these forbidden feelings were making her entire body ache with exhaustion.
"I couldn't stand it if you left, please... darling don't leave now" Miranda begged. She never begged anyone, not ever. These feelings, feelings she promised to push away if they ever arose again were coming back to her with a vengeance.
"I've fallen in love with you and this right now... it's too much for me" the young woman told her.
"In love..." Miranda repeated. "I can't help it. You're the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful woman I've ever known" Andrea said sadly, her eyes were red now, wet and wide with emotion.
"Well I'm sure that isn't true" Miranda said dismissively. "It is, trust me." Andrea tried to pull away "I have to go, I'm sorry Miranda" she said suddenly. She headed toward her front door but Miranda wouldn't let her go far.
She hugged the young woman against her again. She held her tightly, trying to convey just how much she doesn't wish her to leave. She whimpered next to her ear. "Andrea... I'm so sorry I can't give you what you need" she squeezed her tighter, wanting her to feel it's the truth.
Andrea felt her heart ache at her words, she couldn't stand this. She had to let her go if she was going to maintain her sanity. The thought of leaving these beautiful moments behind was unbearable. She wanted nothing more Than to run away but Miranda wasn't letting her.
When they pulled away they stared at each other. Mirandas hands were at her cheeks, her eyes welling with tears, glistening an impossible blue. Andrea laid her hands over Mirandas. She rested her forehead against hers.
"Why won't you admit to yourself what you're feeling" Andrea asked, breathing deeply but erratically. "I admit that I love you... cant that be enough?" Miranda was battling her will to be the woman she thinks she should be. There is another woman inside of her she's kept silent for years and in this instant she burns to escape, to be free.
"Not when I feel like I'll die if I never kiss your lips" Andrea groaned. "If I can never hold you" Her body and heart was aching with these desires, these feelings of love that must be expressed. "Oh darling" she was breathing heavily, fighting back tears.
Then without warning, Andrea kissed her. Their Satin soft lips collided, lungs heaved from the intensity of the feeling.
It was a relief, a thrill and everything she had imagined it to be. She opened her mouth and held Miranda tighter, she tasted her breath, the wine and the reluctance. The older woman moaned when she felt Andreas tongue, her entire body was hot, her heart racing a million miles a second.
Andrea pushed her gently against the wall in the foyer. Miranda shook and pulled her mouth away, she was nearly hyperventilating. "Oh I- I'm so sorry" the older woman cries, covering her face. "What we have together... it's not wrong" Andrea implored.
Miranda wept into her hands, she sank down into the floor, crying uncontrollably. "Oh Miranda, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you" she apologized, feeling unbearable guilt wash over her. She had not expected her actions to completely break Miranda down. She didn't want this to happen.
"A decade ago... I fell in love with a woman... I had just had the girls and I was leaving their father. She was a counselor at my church. She helped me get through the divorce" Miranda gathered her knees against her chest, her eyes staring and revisiting a painful point in her past.
"She was married but we made promises to be together, to raise our children together one day. We spent nearly every free moment together, her husband traveled often so it was easy" Miranda stopped and her hands tightened around her head, as if she wished to squeeze the next memory from its place in her mind, to crush it from existence.
"Miranda you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to" The young woman told her, seeing how it was affecting her physically, seeing the emotion and trauma so apparent in her features made Andreas heart ache for her. Miranda shook her head. "I want you to understand" she said before she continued.
"One evening her husband came home early from a business trip... he found us together in their bed" Miranda sobbed and took a long moment to gather herself. Andrea sat closer to her, grabbing her hands.
"He screamed at me, at her. He told me to get out of his house so I did... I ran, I left and I didn't even look back. I should have stayed... I should have made her come with me..." Andreas heart sank in her chest like a stone through deep water. She had a terrible feeling about what she was going to tell her next.
"I sat by my phone all night hoping she would call me, tell me she was alright... The next morning... I find out from the news that he... he killed her. He beat her for hours in front of their children and then he shot her and then himself" Miranda cried so hard she sounded like she was going to pass out.
Andrea gathered her in her arms and let her cry. "I saw it all as a sign from God, there were dyer consequences for doing what we had done... for what we had done with each other" she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Miranda... I'm so sorry. Jesus, I had no idea" Andrea took her hands and held them, reaching up to wipe the tears from her face as more poured from her. "I've never told anyone about her and I. It's always been too painful".
Miranda calmed down after awhile. Andrea helped her up off the floor. They went back into the living room and sat down on the couch together, Andrea holding her there. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for you to see me like that" The older woman said after a long while.
"You don't ever have to apologize for anything like that. I'm glad you shared it with me" Andrea told her, smoothing her hair away from her face and behind her ear. "I'm sorry for kissing you" she told her. Miranda sat up and smiled, her face was surprisingly close to hers. "I liked kissing you" she told her, staring at her lips. "It just... brought back memories I wasn't quite prepared for" she told her.
"Come to bed with me" the older woman whispered to her. Traces of her sadness still lingered on her face, the red eyes and wet face "Miranda are you sure..." Andrea began but she stopped her with another kiss.
"I don't want to be alone tonight... darling... I want to be with you but I will need time" Miranda told her. Andrea nodded and smiled, tears welling in her own eyes. "I can do that".
