A/N: Alright girlies, we're gonna step back in time for a few minutes - Yeah, Personal Foul oneshots have been done to the death - me very much included in that - but, as you can see, this one is M rated, with a twist!
If you like it, thank me for it. You don't... well, It was Megs' idea. Blame her . No, i'm totally kidding. But this was Meg's idea - the basis of it - I hopefully turned it from an idea to a little story. Well, little/long - whatever we shall call it.
I wanted to go a different way with Lindsay in this story - you'll see what I mean - but as composed as she was in the office, it's all gotta come out somehow.
Without giving too much away - I just want to assure you that there are in fact season SIX SPOLIERS in here. So if you're SPOILER FREE - I ask you to proceed with caution - I don't want to spoil anything for you if you don't want to know anything about this upcoming season.
I'd like to reiterate my thank you to Megan for her ideas - cause otherwise there would be NO story, her support and her oh so classy words of assistance *tackles*
And she would change everything, for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.
- 'Beautiful Disaster' – Jon McLaughlin.
This was it, she thought to herself, her knuckles poised and ready to knock.
It was her last chance to turn around – her last chance to try and hold up the wall she had provisionally built around her.
Provisionally being the word.
Before she had the chance to turn around and walk away, like her head was telling her to, she'd knocked her usual trademark knock.
She could hear him practically running for the door, which despite herself brought a small smile to her face.
"Lindsay!" He gasped, splitting the syllables of her name as he did so. "I didn't think you'd come."
She shrugged. "I didn't think I would either." She admitted. "You gonna let me in, or do I get to stand out here all night?" She was trying to joke with him, but her tone of voice couldn't hide her hurt and anger that was still simmering not far underneath the surface.
He nodded and opened the door wider so that she could slip past him.
"I… Holy 'effing A Lindsay, you're soaked." He said as her coat brushed past his arm, effectively soaking it, despite the smallest contact. "What were you doing? Splashing in the puddles?"
"You should be a comedian." Lindsay laughed softly as she glanced around the apartment. It had been a while since she had stepped in the apartment, and to her surprise, it was like she'd never left. The things she'd rearranged for him were still in the same places. Upon looking at the apartment, it seemed like nothing had changed. But things were never as they seemed.
"I'll look into it." He smiled softly, bringing her out of her trance as he took her coat and draped it over a barstool in the kitchen. "How have you been doing?"
She shrugged, deciding her body's actions could do the talking – scared that her voice would give her emotions away. "You?"
He shrugged. "I've been better."
She raised her eyebrows in acknowledgement and nodded slowly as she chewed her lip.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, "Linds…"
"Look, I'm really cold… Is there…"
"Wanna shower?" he cut her off. "Come on, I'll get you some clothes together. Want some help?"
Bombarded by his questions, she merely nodded – hoping he would take the lead and get everything sorted for her, as she used the valuable time to compose her thoughts.
You did it that day in the office, she reminded herself. Do it again.
She could feel his warm hand on the small of her back, leading her through the apartment to the bathroom. He entered first, and switched the light on before quickly picking up his work stuff and throwing them into the laundry basket.
"I don't think I have any of your clothes around here, some of mine okay?"
She nodded. "If you wouldn't mind…" She motioned down to her jeans, stuck to her legs. "I think they're past being salvageable to wear anytime soon."
"I can shove them in the washer if you want…"
She shook her head, "You don't have to go out of…"
He held a finger to her lips, as he looked her in the eyes, "It's no trouble. Just leave them on the counter and I'll come in an' grab 'em when you're in the shower, if that's alright…?"
She nodded, "Still works the same?" she motioned to the shower.
"Turn it the opposite way to what it says for hot water? Yup. Still not got it fixed."
She forced a smile.
"You go ahead and take your time. Everything will be laid out for ya once you're done."
"Thanks," she smiled politely.
He shrugged it off. "Call me if you need anything, a'right?"
She nodded as he shut the bathroom door.
Taking a deep breath, she stared into the bathroom mirror.
"You're a mess," Lindsay whispered to the reflection staring back at her. She was a shell of her former self. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Spiralling.
Finally turning on her heel, Lindsay pulled the white shower curtain back, so that she could fire up the shower. He knocked and hesitated before opening the door. "I found those sweats you always used to steal," he demonstrated by holding them up. "Right where you left them last time you stayed over."
She smiled trying to mask the tears that were brimming in her eyes. "Thanks," she choked out, the loud spray of the shower behind the curtain muffling her voice breaking.
"And Adam introduced me to this band, so instead of you being in a wifebeater, I figured this'd give you a little more coverage and you know, keep you warmer with the longer sleeves an' all that."
"Thanks," She smiled and glanced to the counter as a hint for him to put down the items of clothes. "I appreciate it."
He waved it off. "So leave your wet clothes there, and I'll take care of it, alright?"
She nodded and glanced at the door, willing for him to shut it.
"Linds…"
She turned, desperately willing for him to just leave her alone for five minutes to get her emotions in check, "Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're here."
She flashed him a quick smile before turning to face the shower again.
Moments later, she heard the door shut and finally released a sigh. She ripped her clothes off and flung them to the floor as her eyes became increasingly hazy from the tears desperately wanting to fall.
Stepping into the shower, she stood still for a moment, letting the hot water somewhat soothe her. The constant drumming of hot water on her freezing cold back created a contrast, causing goosebumps, and effectively making her shiver.
Turning in the shower, she let the water beat down on her face, desperately willing for the water to wash away her tears that she didn't want any evidence of.
He couldn't see her upset.
She wouldn't let him see her upset.
She grabbed his shower gel and squirted some into her cupped hand, deciding to actually make use of the shower, and try to prolong her time in there. And, as Lindsay scrubbed her arms, she wondered how it was that she'd gotten there. How they'd gotten there.
Had she let him down somehow? He knew better than anyone that she couldn't deal with death as well as the next person. He'd watched how she'd dealt with it – maybe…
You've been through this! She scolded herself as she rinsed the suds from her body.
But it didn't stop her from wondering.
She inhaled the scent of his shower gel around her, and instantly tears slipped down her cheeks. The overwhelming scent of Danny – the scent she had quickly grown to love - now reduced her to tears.
She let out a sob as she longed for the memories that had faded over the past months. The memories of when they'd share the shower together, using the same scent of shower gel. The memories of what they'd used to be. The memories of when they were happy.
Her frustration at her tears and desperate heaves of breath, accompanied with the inability to control her emotions resulted in her throwing the bottle of shower gel to the tub, with a loud clatter as it knocked over the other shower products and soap that was balanced on the edge.
"Just fuck off!" she cried, tears flowing freely now. "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"
Hearing the door open slightly, she desperately tried to stop her whimpering from being heard, but she knew. She knew he'd heard her.
"Linds? Everythin' alright?"
"Fine." she whimpered.
"Linds, honey, are you sure?"
Honey. It echoed in her ears. The genuine concern; accompanied with the guilt that she heard constantly in his voice when he spoke to her.
"I'm fine. My clothes are on the floor," she hiccupped, desperately trying to brush him off. "Thanks Danny."
"Lindsay…" She saw his hand around the material of the shower curtain, "What's going on? You okay in there?"
"I'm fine!" she cried. "I'm fine."
She stood, waiting with baited breath with her eyes squeezed shut – she knew it was only a matter of time before he decided to go against her unconvincing assurance that she was fine.
But, to her surprise – as she opened her eyes slightly - she saw his body turn, and the fingers that had been wrapped around the shower curtain ready to open in, let go as he bent down and picked up her wet clothes. "Lindsay, if you need me call, alright?"
"Mmkay." She tried to sound cheery. Happy almost.
She could see him shake his head through the thin shower curtain as he shut the bathroom door.
She let out a sigh of relief before realisation set in, and tears continued to fall.
She realised she'd made a huge mistake – she was in no fit state to have a conversation with him. But, she'd been blinded by the conversation – the addiction she had for Danny being fed just that tiny bit throughout the conversation they'd shared – she had needed more – effectively resulting in her standing soaking wet on his doorstep.
Lindsay leant her head against the wall; the shower spray still beating down on her, with no effort to mask her tears and sobs.
She vaguely heard the door click open as she let out another heart wrenching sob, letting her arms wrap around herself, trying to stop some of her emotions from spilling out of her as rapidly as they were.
Angrily wiping her tears away she sighed as those that were wiped away were only replaced by the others that fell.
"Linds? What the hell is goin' on? What's the matter? I'm comin' in…"
"Don't!" she cried. "Just give me five minutes."
"I gave you ten," he told her with concern in his voice, "Please honey, I'm worried about you… I've not heard you stop cryin'…"
So much for masking those tears, She chided to herself.
"Did I disappoint you, Danny?" She started, "Did I let you down somehow? Or was I just not damn good enough?"
He ripped back the curtain, nearly pulling it from its frame. "What?!" He shook his head, "Linds, I…"
"'Cause I don't what I can do to fix this, Danny." She continued. "I'm trying. I'm trying and I just keep failing. And… And…" she reduced into a sob as she doubled over in the shower.
In a heartbeat, he was stepping into the shower, fully clothed while he took her into his arms.
"Let me go," she cried as she beat her tiny fist against his toned chest. "Just let me go. You've done enough to me, don't you think?"
It made him hold her tighter, "Baby…"
"Don't 'baby' me… you didn't call me 'baby' me before, so don't waste your breath saying it now!" she cried, still beating against his chest, "Are you deliberately trying to break my heart over and over again?! Why are you being so nice? We know it won't last and you'll crawl back into that fucking shell of yours and you'll close yourself off, leaving me spinning again!"
He rocked her in his arms, desperately wanting to say something, but words failing. He knew everything she was saying was true. He wished it wasn't; but it was – he'd done what he'd done, and now he had to pay the price.
"I saw the end, Danny. I saw it before you'd even…" she spluttered her words. "I was there and you didn't even see me."
"Lindsay, come on… It's not the end. We're not over… Everyone goes through…"
"Not like this they don't," she snapped at him, her head shaking from side to side, her arms finally snaking around his back, accepting the hold he had on her. "Not like this..."
"Linds..." he sighed.
"I gave you everything!" she cried. "Everything! You were there when I was at my lowest. You held me while I cried after the trial! You! And now? I can't even… You're…"
She reduced into tears once again.
He didn't need her to tell him all of that, because he already knew. He'd spent the nights thinking, begging whoever it was listening to him up there to let him hold her like he had that night after the trial again. Not to see her upset; but to be close to her. To hold her.
Her head finally fell to his chest as he threaded his fingers through her soaking wet locks. She was giving up her fight against him.
"All I wanted was for you to love me," she cried. "You looked at me," she gripped to his now, soaking wife beater as her head lay on his chest "You looked at me telling you that I loved you and you didn't bat an eyelid. You didn't even come after me… You acted like you didn't even care. You don't know what that did to me."
"Sweetheart I…"
"I don't want an explanation," she sniffed, the water still spilling from the shower onto them. "To be honest, I don't even want to know, I just want you to know what it is you've done to me. I know that you were hurting, and call me spiteful, but right now, I don't care. I don't care that you were hurting because I want you to hurt how I've been hurting. You moved on, and you didn't even remember me. You didn't even spend a split second on thinking how I might feel – it was all about you. What can we do to make Danny feel better?"
He didn't blame her. In fact, everything she was saying in her anger was dead on. Harsh and honest – but dead on nonetheless.
"Well whose it going to be that makes Lindsay feel better, hmm?" she cried. "Nobody cares about Lindsay – the one person that should care most about Lindsay, couldn't give a fuck about Lindsay while he's off making himself feel better, thinking 'Lindsay… She won't know…' I do know though! I do!"
He knew what she wanted him to say, but he couldn't say it. He'd kept it to himself for this long, he could see the pain in her eyes. He couldn't look at her and tell her; break her even more.
Yet, he couldn't lie to her.
He let go of her and she shivered at the loss of contact in the time it took for him to take her face in his hands.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice breaking with emotion as he looked into her bloodshot eyes. "I'm sorry that I've done this to you."
She broke his eye contact and shook her head, "It's too late for any sorry." She sniffed. "You really think a sorry is going to make everything better?"
"It's the only way I can start to show you how sorry I truly am. I want to make this up to you."
"Why?" she cried, her eyes no longer spilling tears, but full of desperation. "Why now?"
"We've had our doubts; we've had our bumps, but we can get over this, Linds… I promise."
"I don't trust you." She said, trying to move away from his hold on her, "You'll just hurt me again."
He shook his head, his hands still gently placed on her face. "Not again, I won't hurt you again."
"Say I believe you," she sniffed, "Say I put this all behind me… behind us, for you to I don't know, six months down the line, pull the same crap and me end up right where I am now… what then?"
Danny shook his head, "It won't happen."
"You can't promise me that!"
"Yes I can!" Danny snapped. "Yes I can because I can't live without you, Linds. I can't do it. I tried. I need you. I'm lost without you. So I can promise you that I'm never gonna let this happen again."
"You don't know what the circumstances will be!" she reasoned, desperately trying to do anything but believe him.
"Give me a second chance," he whispered, their noses touching. "I'm not gonna hurt you again."
She closed her eyes and let out a breath, "I don't want to have to fall out of love with you again. I couldn't do it once... Don't make me try to do it a second time."
His lips brushed against hers briefly with a soft kiss before he whispered the words "I promise," against them.
Her hands snaked down to his hips as she began to pull the wife beater up his body, so she could tug it over his head, leaving him confused and taken aback by her bold move. "Linds…"
"I need to feel you love me. I don't need you to say it; I just want to feel it. I need to feel something." She said, tugging the top over his head. "I want to feel like this has just been a bad dream."
"Well then this isn't goin' to make anythin' better, Lindsay."
"I'm not saying it is…" she said, "I'm just saying I need to feel something. Surely you've wanted that before. To feel alive and just forget."
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. If only she knew. "Lindsay… I…"
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh as she moved away from him, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
In the short amount of time it'd taken him to react and move across the small bathtub to her, she'd turned to turn the water off. As her hand moved to the faucet, he grabbed it and turned her with a certain amount of urgency and pulled her into his chest, "I want to make this work," he whispered as he placed a kiss to her lips. A soft, loving kiss. "I want to get this back. Get us back. Whatever it takes; whatever we need to do."
She sighed against his lips before placing a feather light kiss to his lips. Which was followed by another.
And another.
And another.
Hooking her fingers inside Danny's waistband of his sweats, Lindsay let out a sigh against his lips; her tears; her upset; her heartbreak, on the surface was being washed away with each time he pressed a delicate kiss to her lips.
He wrapped her in his arms, and kicked the various bottles she'd knocked over a long time ago away from them as he hoisted her in the air, and pinned her against the wall, as he nibbled her neck.
"Don't drop me," she whispered as she let her neck fall to one side, granting Danny better access. "I'm all wet and…"
"I'll never let you fall." He whispered the words against her shoulder, before pressing a kiss to the area. Sensing he'd meant something so much more than what the words had suggested, she fought with his, now soaking wet sweatpants, trying to get them down his legs.
"Whoa, whoa there, Montana."
She stopped what she was doing. "What did you say?"
He realised why she'd stopped, and took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, I just… I got caught up in the moment an',"
Her lips cut him off, hungrily devouring him, desperate to cover every surface, as he pinned her to the wall while he shoved his pants down his legs at the same time. Removing both her lips and hands from his face temporarily, she helped him and together they were able to fling the obstructing article of clothing onto the bathroom floor.
He shifted her in her position so that he was holding her securely under the spray of the shower, "No goin' back, Linds… are you sure?"
She could feel his arousal pressed against her; and in her own desperate need for him, to feel him, she found herself nodding in response against his forehead as she wrapped herself tighter around his body.
"Last chance," he whispered. "You say the word and we stop, I don't want you to regret this,"
"Will you?" she countered.
He shook his head slowly but adamantly.
Sliding her hand down between their bodies, she took his painfully erect cock in her petite hand, guiding him into her slick core.
Both cried out in their own ways as Lindsay adjusted to his length.
"I've missed you," he whispered, his breath tickling her shoulder as he kissed her neck. "More than you'll ever know."
She gripped to him, her nails sinking into the taut skin of his back as he slowly began to withdraw from her.
Each thrust took her breath away; they began slow; almost like they were both reminding themselves of the other – making sure they felt every ridge of the other, before she wrapped her legs tighter around his waist, physically showing her urgency for him; to have him.
Her hands snaked their way to the sides of his face, where she held him in place as she kissed him. Butterfly kisses in time to his rhythmic drive into her – she needed to feel him under her fingertips. She needed to reassure herself that this was real. That they were in fact reconnecting.
'Cause she knew for a fact that her heart couldn't take it if, for some reason this was all a dream.
He moved his hands to her thighs and ensured her legs were securely around his hips. Making sure that she was pinned against the wall and wasn't going anywhere, he removed his hands from her body, and took her hands that were caressing the side of his face. He interlocked their hands together as he held them up against the wall – not breaking their contact, but Lindsay relying completely on him to not let her fall.
His lips fell to her neck – right where he knew she loved him to kiss her.
It may have been a while, but he'd be damned if he didn't remember everything about her.
Her nails dug into his hands, still interlocked with his' above their heads, as she let out a cry of pleasure.
Making his way up her neck, he kissed her cheek; and then her nose, before resting his forehead against hers and stared into her eyes as he continually thrust into her.
He could see the tears in her eyes begging to fall. The shower had failed to hide the tears that she had so desperately wanted to wash away, and she knew, by the look in his eyes when he'd seen the tears rim her eyelids, he'd seen them too – he knew exactly what she had tried to do.
But what he did took her off guard.
He slowed his pace significantly, withdrawing from her almost completely before sliding back in – with the exact same pace as he withdrew with, while he concentrated on kissing her tears away.
Every single tear that fell, Danny kissed away as the last of the warm water from the shower bounced off their skin. She bit her lip, trying to desperately get them to stop but they couldn't – it was like the tears were demanding Danny's attention.
She tightened her legs around his waist, and because of her action, he began to increase his pace to which he drove into her, desperate to find new depths to her. Just like the depths he'd seen tonight. He wanted to make up for lost time. He wanted to make her forget what he'd done.
He wanted to show her how much he truly loved her.
Her breaths were becoming short and sharp, as she leant forwards and captured his lips in a kiss, in an attempt to muffle her moans of pleasure from his administrations. He kissed her back, putting everything he had into both his thrusts and the kiss, fighting to give her release before he reached his own.
Her tongue slipped past his lips, and instantly, they were both tangled up in each other – neither fighting for dominance, but working with the other.
He continued his thrusts, ensuring that each time he buried himself inside her, it was deep inside, and it was hitting the same spot each time.
She could feel her lower stomach tightening with each thrust, a tell-tale sign she was close to falling over the edge – and she just prayed that Danny didn't leave her standing at the top, on her own.
She could no longer control her gasps and moans – her pleas for him not to stop in between their kisses were no longer being swallowed before she could say it. With each groan she released, he quickened his pace, gripping to their interlocked hands with more urgency.
She was so close, so close to feeling everything she'd felt for him when they'd made love – the feeling that he gave her – that rush he'd always give her when she least expected it.
She found herself going dizzy – that same feeling beginning to wash over her as her inner muscles began to slowly contract around him as he continually buried himself deep inside of her.
"Like that," she whispered. "Don't stop."
He took notice and continued the same pace and rhythm she'd begged for.
Her breathing extremely short and harsh against his lips, Lindsay cried out as the fire in the pit of her stomach finally erupted as she came undone around him. Crying his name and gripping to their hands, held above their heads, Lindsay rested her head against the wall as she rode out her orgasm.
Like she had expected, the rush and feeling of love she had for him when they were connected so intimately came rushing back, overpowering her emotions and effectively intensifying her pleasure release from how long it had been since she'd been intimate with him.
Her eyes had closed sometime throughout her orgasm, and when she peeled them open, Danny had rested his forehead against hers, their noses touching as he erratically thrust into her, his own release obviously following Lindsay's.
"Come catch me on the other side," she whispered against his lips, her voice raspy from her tears, emotions and pleasure.
Danny's pace increased as his blunt fingernails dug into Lindsay's small hands desperately trying to grip to the edge for as long as he could before he gave everything to her.
She pressed a kiss to his neck, before sucking lightly. She'd never before even considered doing such a thing, but now, she wanted a mark on him that indicated that she'd been there. That he was her's.
Or at least it was something to remind him of the night if he did happen to crawl back into that God-forsaken shell of his again.
She sunk her teeth in and nibbed at the skin, and as she did so, Danny's pace increased – catching her off guard.
He cried out as her inner muscles milked him as he spilled into her, bringing him to a temporary stop as he rode out his orgasm.
He leant forwards as he pressed a kiss to her lips, before resting his forehead against hers.
They didn't move in their position, and simply watched the other as the now; cool shower water beat down on them – their chests rising rapidly from their lovemaking.
She looked into his eyes and she could see that something had changed. There was something more in those deep oceans that he passed off as eyes. The windows to his soul.
That now, had something else swimming in there for her try to wrap her head around.
She could tell he wanted to say something to her, but he was holding back, and instead continued to draw in deep breaths.
She pressed a kiss to his lips and motioned for them to move their arms that had, for the duration of their lovemaking been held – together as one, above their heads.
She let go of his hands, and held the sides of his face as she caressed his cheeks with her thumb.
She could tell from the look in his eyes that he was terrified by the uncertainty of not knowing what was going to happen now. Had they just made a mistake by reconnecting so quickly? So deeply?
And if he were to ask her – she wouldn't have an answer for him. She didn't know herself.
Only time would tell.
Lindsay blinked as the shower beat down on her back. Her hands moved to her burning cheeks as she tried to gain some composure before stepping out of the shower.
It'd been a long time since she'd thought about that night.
The cries of her infant daughter refusing to cease brought her shower – extended shower she was beginning to think – to an end. Quickly shutting the faucet off – the opposite way from what it specified for hot water, she rang her hair out and threw back the white shower curtain.
She was met by a bathroom filled with steam as she desperately fought to spy her towel.
Boom. She smiled as she saw it on the closed toilet seat lid. She wrapped the fluffy towel around herself before quickly drying her feet on the bathmat.
"Mommy's coming!" she called out to her wailing daughter. "I'll be right there!"
Please don't have Daddy get out of bed. I don't want him hurting himself. Please Lucy...
Lindsay's heart tugged heavily at her inner thoughts of begging with her infant daughter not to cry so that her Daddy wouldn't have to get out of bed. She shouldn't have to be thinking that.
But right now, it was just one of those things.
It was hard; she thought as she quickly grabbed her clothes and flung them into the laundry basket, before re-wrapping her towel around herself. To manage – and successfully manage a household, a baby daughter, a temporarily disabled husband, going to work, and having time to sleep, was damn hard.
Well, how much she slept was debatable.
Lucy's wails were quickly becoming ear piercing and Lindsay cringed. "I'm coming honey. Mommy's coming."
But, as soon as they had started, Lucy's wails ceased.
That's not right. Lindsay thought to herself, quickly going into a mad panic.
Bursting through the bathroom, she darted into the master bedroom and found herself unable to move.
This was something she couldn't say for her husband, whom was currently stood, cradling and rocking Lucy to his chest.
Her mouth hung open she blinked at her husband, stood, at the side of her crib, his wheelchair abandoned on the other side of the room.
"Danny…" Lindsay gasped, all other words failing her. "How…"
He turned slowly, still rocking Lucy, as he flashed her a smile as he stood on his feet. "She needed me." He explained simply.
"But…"
"Lucy needed me," he repeated. "And I think despite your façade of everything's fine, the last thing you need right now is for me to be confined to that wheelchair. The quicker I get used to using my legs outside of physical therapy, the quicker I get back to normal. The quicker we get back to normal."
She blinked at him, "I…" She moved across the room and carefully wrapped her arms around his side as she buried her head in his chest, mindful of her daughter and his still raw injuries – despite what he insisted. "I'm so proud of you,"
He pressed a kiss to her temple and wrapped his free arm around her bare shoulders. "Proud of me?" he scoffed. "You kept everything together, Linds… It was you who…"
"Sssh," she whispered, holding a finger to his lips as she gazed up at him with awe in her eyes.
Months ago, she would have done anything to change her life. A newborn, her husband in a wheelchair, with the outlook for them looking pretty bleak.
But now – as she bubbled with pride and adoration for her husband – and what they'd accomplished and fought for, she was glad she'd not done a thing to change her life.
It meant a lot to her that they'd be able to fight such obstacles.
And her life now stemmed from that one night where they'd reconnected.
When he washed her tears away.
Let me know what you thought? I'd appreciate it - Thanks for reading.
