This is a short update as it was pointed out to me that I am lagging lol. Sorry! I'm working on a new fic, so it's been consuming all my free time.
You can thank Zap123 for this chapter! I will update sooner next time, promise!
Mistakes are mine as I have no beta! Please forgive :)
"Make your own dinner, Emma Swan, as I am neither your mother nor your maid."
Emma took a deep breath. Four days. It had been four days that Regina had been biting her head off, and Emma was about ready to snap. Ever since the night Emma had refused to touch Regina until they talked, the brunette had been treating her like shit, to put it bluntly. She barely acknowledged Emma's existence, had been sleeping in the spare room, and had even refused to even be in the same room as her. Henry was starting to notice, although both women worked hard to pretend that everything was normal when he was around. He wasn't stupid though, and this morning he had told Emma to fix the problem because he was tired of living in a war zone. He had gone to his grandparents' home for the weekend, leaving Emma to try and work things out with his other mother. However, Regina was being unbelievably hostile, and when Emma had asked her if she wanted to have dinner together, Regina had responded as though Emma was demanding she slave over the stove for her.
"I didn't ask you to make supper for me, Regina," Emma responded, forcing herself to remain calm. "I asked if you wanted to have dinner together."
"No."
Emma sighed, irritated.
"We need to talk."
"We most certainly do not," Regina responded curtly, not looking up from her laptop screen. "I have work to do. You may go do whatever it is that you do."
When Regina waved her hand dismissively, Emma fumed. That was not acceptable. Regina may not be happy with her and that was fine, but Emma wasn't about to let her disrespect her, waving her off like she was a servant.
Emma took two long strides forward and pushed the lid of the laptop shut, Regina jumping back in surprise.
"Emma Swan!"
"Listen. I've given you space. I've given you time. I've even endured your awful, rude and frankly downright bitchy comments. But enough is enough. You're not happy with me and that's fine, but you need to communicate with me. I'm trying to be patient with you but you waving your hand off at me like I'm one of your damn maids is not okay. I've never disrespected you like that and I won't let you disrespect me like that either. I love you, Regina, and I want to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you. It's been four days. At some point, this has to stop."
"We've nothing to discuss, Emma," Regina snapped, jerking up the lid from her laptop and powering it back on. "Leave me alone."
"We have a lot to discuss!"
Regina ignored her, refusing to acknowledge her presence. Emma stood there, fuming. She could storm off like she wanted to. She could give into her anger and leave this house and let this argument continue for God knows how long. Had she been just a few years younger, she probably would have done just that. But Emma was getting too old for games and she cared more about their relationship than she did about her pride, so she swallowed her hurt, her frustration, and her anger, and she moved around Regina's desk until she was standing next to her. Then, Emma knelt down so that she was looking up at Regina, a position which would be less threatening to her lover. She gently rested her hand on the arm of Regina's office chair, a move that would bring her closer to the brunette without actually producing unwanted any contact.
"I'm sorry for yelling," Emma said gently, her tone low and even. "But I'm hurt, and I'm frustrated. I really am trying to be patient with you, Regina. I want to know what's bothering you. I've been trying to pull information from you all week, but you've been ignoring me or just outright hurting me and my feelings on purpose. I haven't done anything shitty back because I don't want this to turn toxic, but this has to stop.
"I did upset you on Monday night, and I think I might have hurt you too, but that wasn't my intention. I meant what I said about wanting to explore those things with you, but we can't until we have a talk. I need to know what you want from me. I need to know what you want from those… from any scenes we might have together. I have to know your limits and your desires. I can't just blindly head into it because that could end up hurting you and I will never take that risk, Regina. Never. I'd rather say no to you a hundred times and have you hate me and treat me like shit than to ever hurt you or make you feel scared or unsafe. And if we don't have that talk, that's exactly what would happen. I'd hurt you without meaning to and I won't do that. So please, can we just… Can we just talk?"
Emma waited. But she when she received no response, she sighed, getting up from her kneeling position. "When you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting, okay? I love you."
Regina hadn't acknowledge anything she had said, but she hadn't pulled away, she hadn't lashed out, and she hadn't touched her computer- even when the screen had turned back on. She simply sat there, and while Emma felt hurt and disappointed that Regina hadn't responded, she was glad that Regina had at least listened to her.
Emma walked out of the office and headed to the living room, waiting. She waited until nearly eleven o'clock, finally resigning herself to the fact that Regina was not going to speak to her. She turned off the tv with a sigh, discreetly wiping away at the tears that escaped. She had really hoped her plea would strike a chord in Regina and that the woman would seek her out. Emma had no idea what she would do now, and as she headed upstairs, she worried for their relationship. She had no idea how they could possibly continue if they didn't acknowledge this problem. She knew she couldn't pretend like it hadn't happened, but she didn't want to lose Regina either. She loved her more than anything, which was why she could never head down the road of domination and submission if Regina refused to ever have a talk about it.
Emma curled up in bed, clutching a pillow that now only faintly smelled of her lover and drifted off into a fitful sleep. She awoke the next morning when she felt the bed dip by her side, a smile automatically forming on her lips when she noticed exactly who was sitting there.
"Morning, sunshine," Emma said groggily.
She wiped the sleep from her eyes, frowning a little when she saw just how tired Regina looked. The woman held a wad of papers in her hand and she handed them over to Emma.
"Take these and read them."
Emma's heart hammered in her throat at Regina's serious tone. Oh God.
"These aren't divorce papers, are they?"
For the first time in a week, Regina gave her her signature smirk and rolled her eyes.
"We aren't married, Emma. Therefore, they cannot be divorce papers."
Emma eyed them warily.
"What are they?"
"Please just take them," Regina said softly. "And read them."
Emma carefully took the pages, glancing up when Regina stood.
"Wait. You aren't staying?"
"No. I trust you'll find me after you've finished reading."
Emma frowned, looking down at the white sheets of paper when she was alone. They were covered in Regina's familiar looped and swirly handwriting. But unlike the Mayor's usual pristine paperwork, these pages were crinkled and bent, and Emma could see parts of writing that were scribbled over and blacked out.
Emma sat up in bed, propping herself against the pillows as she prepared to read what was obviously a very important letter.
Emma,
I've no idea how to even begin this letter. I feel incredibly guilty for the way I've treated you this week. I must apologise in advance for the way my thoughts will surely jump from one thought to another. My mind is in terrible disarray and my heart aches and so it is difficult to express myself properly. You communicated beautifully with me this evening, while I sat in silence. We both know I'm terribly ill equipped to express my thoughts and my feelings, and for that I'm sorry. You suffer for my shortcomings. I have been punishing you because I have been unable to sort through my feelings effectively communicate my feelings. I'm sorry.
This… I've carried this secret for far longer than anyone should. I've had no one with whom I could share this desire of mine, one which I have had for as long as I can remember, far before I even knew what it was, before I ever had a name for it. My mother was quite specific as to what was important in life: power. It has been revered by her for as long as I have known her. And longer. I grew up being told that to have power over another was to have everything. She wanted me to be queen so that I would have power over an entire kingdom. I did not share this same desire. I wanted a simple life. I never craved control over another, not the way she told me I should. In fact, I… I desired the opposite. I loved Daniel dearly, and I loved that he directed our future, that he made the decisions which I did not feel comfortable making. I simply wanted to be with him, to please him, and I felt that desire I felt safe and comfortable following his direction for he cared deeply for me.
Daniel always made decisions with my best interests at heart. When my mother murde My mother did not approve of the relationship, not only because she deemed him unworthy, but also because she saw the way in which I blindly followed his lead. She wanted me to lead, to have power, to have control over others, the way she did. I did not share this desire. I wanted a simple life with Daniel. However, she felt he was holding me back from my true potential, and so she murdered him and with him, my secret desires to be led.
I loathed the way my mother controlled my life, the way everyone else controlled my future. I despised the fact that I felt out of control in my own life, and that forced and so his murder sparked a change in me. I rebelled against my desires to submit, and I did so aggressively. I have controlled everyone and everything in my life since Daniel, because there is safety in control. I have ruled over countless people. Their future, their fate was at my mercy. I was no longer helpless, and I never acknowledged that inner part of myself, that secret place which craved to submit. I hated it, loathed it, cast it away and banished it within the deepest parts of myself. But you, Emma Swan… you. You have brought it back to the surface. You've awakened that weakness within me, that needy part of myself which cries out for you, which needs your strength and your safety. Which craves to follow your guidance, which craves your approval. To speak of that part of myself would be to acknowledge it, to acknowledge that there is a part of myself which is not strength and confidence, which is weak and needy and insecure. That is why I did not speak to you, did not respond when you spoke to me. I do not know how to I'm frightened and I'm terribly confused. And I do not
You treat me with such respect, Emma. And the people of this town, they believe I am a ruler, I am a leader. How will I be viewed when my secret is revealed? I may no longer be feared, but at least I am respected. How can I be respected if I submit to another in such a way? What will you think of me when you learn the things for which I long? If I admit my desires, for they are… I'm embarrassed. And your rejection the other night… I felt humiliated. I understand that you felt it was in my best interest to refuse me, and part of me does agree, understands, however, it still hurts and I feel utterly humiliated and I regret ever exposing this part of myself. I should have silenced it as I have in the past. I don't I'm unsure
Expressing myself is becoming difficult. I'm sorry for hurting you, Emma. I love you, dearly. And I'm sufficiently embarrassed now and I've no idea how I will ever look you in the eye again.
The letter ended there. Emma took a deep breath, looking it over a second and a third time before slipping out of bed. She wanted to go to Regina immediately, but she needed time to think, to process. So, she took a long shower, dressed slowly, and read the letter one last time before she took it in hand and sought Regina out.
