A/N: Takes place after Guy Talk chapter 8, The Care and Feeding of Vampires, and during chapter 9, Sex and the Single Vampire.

Josef left reluctantly for a business trip that he would normally have looked forward to. The limo stopped for Beth in front of Mick's building. Mick brought her bag down and kissed her goodbye. Josef had kissed Sandrina goodbye an hour ago. And that was the source of his reluctance. It was ridiculous: They had known each other only two months and he didn't want to be away for two days.

The banquet that night where he had to eat was as horrible as he anticipated. Beth waited outside his room while he puked, brushed his teeth and swished mouthwash. "I didn't think you could turn a whiter shade of pale," she said when he emerged.

He called Sandrina later. He knew he was indulging in self-pity but it was somehow comforting to feel like any human businessman who got sick while travelling and called home for sympathy.

The meetings went well and Beth handled the press conference like a pro. The trip was a success. And he couldn't wait for it to be over. The ride from the airport Wednesday night was the reverse of Tuesday morning. Mick was waiting at the curb and he and Beth went into a clinch as soon as she stepped from the limo. Josef tossed her bag on the sidewalk beside them and the driver headed home. Josef changed and fed and was at Sandrina's house when she came home after office hours. They were in bed five minutes later.

Afterward he lay with Sandrina curled beside him. And that's when it popped out with no conscious volition on his part. "I love you, Sandy."

There was a flicker of surprise in her eyes but no hesitation as she replied tenderly, "I love you, too, Josef."

He went to sleep happy. He woke up in a subconscious panic and almost immediately began behaving badly. If Sandrina noticed at first, she put it down to his temperament. Josef wasn't terribly moody but there was the occasional ill-humor. It became clear very soon that it was more than that. There were no outbursts, instead he was silent and more distant each day. Sandrina tried to talk to him; when he wasn't forthcoming she ignored his behavior thinking it would pass, not wanting to nag him. When it not only continued but got worse she tried to talk again. He had closed down completely by then and was unreachable. She was stunned by the speed with which their relationship had deteriorated. In little more than a week she took the only step left and broke it off:

"Something is wrong and you can't or won't tell me what it is or if it will get better. We're both unhappy. The situation isn't good for either of us." She had thought the ultimatum might break through to him but it didn't. There was something in his eyes that said he didn't want it to end but he didn't protest. He left, and it was over.

She didn't need her psychiatric training to understand what had happened. Any woman would know. It started when he told her he loved her. It had been unexpected. She suspected that he didn't use those words often if at all. She had been certain he meant it and she was pleased. She had allowed herself to hope they might have a future but that had been a mistake. He wasn't ready and might never be. He must have regretted telling her he loved her and the only thing he could do was withdraw until the relationship withered. He would go on to someone else and be careful never to let this happen again.

Beth called the next day wanting the four of them to get together. Sandrina told her calmly that she had ended it with Josef. Beth showed up later to get the whole story. She was hurt for Sandrina and furious with Josef. "The little prick!"

"Not really."

"Do not defend him," Beth snapped.

"I just meant it's not so little." Sandrina tried for a smile.

Beth hugged her. "I'm glad you can laugh. But it's true. Josef's only assets are money and a big cock."

"And you know I don't care about money."

"Again with the joking. But you don't fool me. This is killing you, isn't it?"

Sandrina nodded.

Meanwhile, Josef was in shock. He knew he had driven Sandrina to break up with him but now that it had happened he couldn't quite believe it. He went home and fed. He didn't usually confide in his freshies but Jackie was in rotation and had been with him a long time. He told her that it was over with Sandrina. Josef went to his new room freezer. It wasn't quite finished the last time Sandrina was here so they hadn't used it yet. Now they never would. He slept badly and decided to stay in bed. No reason to get up today. Or ever. He should have known the freshies would worry. Next thing he knew Mick was at the door. He pretended to be irritated but he was actually glad to see him.

He had told Mick he was going to pick up a human for the night. He drove out of L.A. to a club where he wouldn't be recognized. There were several possibilities and he quickly made his choice. She was looking for the same thing he was and maybe for the same reason. In the motel room they had barely started when he regretted it. He hadn't done this for nearly a year, since before Simone. Maybe he had outgrown it or maybe it was because she was a human who didn't know about vampires. That meant a condom and no biting. Biting wasn't a problem. He wasn't hungry anyway and he didn't lose control during sex with strangers. Except with Sandrina the first time they made love in her office. The condom was necessary because you couldn't tell a human to 'Trust me, there's no risk of disease or pregnancy.' He was faintly disgusted by the process. He wanted to leave but at this point the easiest way was to force himself to finish and get out.

At home he wouldn't let himself think about Sandrina. The human had been a mistake but that was probably because she didn't know about vamps. He had two social engagements in the next week. He took a human who knew what he was to one and a vampire to the other. He knew right away nothing was going to happen with either woman.

This time when he went home he allowed himself to think about Sandrina and what he had done. What was wrong with him? Ironically, Sandrina could have explained it. She understood these things. She especially understood him. But he should be able to figure it out. After all, until recently he had been sleeping with a shrink.

It started when he told her he loved her. Of course he meant it but saying it had surprised him. He just didn't do that. He had said it and meant it only once before, to Sarah. With Sandrina, he began acting like an asshole. He knew it and couldn't stop himself. Why? Fear? What was he afraid of? Betraying Sarah? He hadn't felt he was betraying her with the other women he had been with. But they hadn't meant anything and Sandrina did. It was more than that, though. If it worked out with Sandrina he would be happy and he didn't deserve happiness. Of course he did, he deserved everything. Except that, a small voice inside told him. He loved being a vampire. He had a good life. He enjoyed it and was usually content. He even had moments of happiness, mostly because of his friendship with Mick and now also with Beth. But with Sandrina the happiness would be more than momentary and what made him worthy of that? So he had made sure it wouldn't happen.

An old REO Speedwagon song ran through his mind:
I can't fight this feeling any more
I've forgotten what I started fighting for

Crashing through her door would probably not go over very well but crawling on the floor might work.

Having thought it through, he couldn't conceive of Sandrina forgiving him. She was compassionate but there was steel there as well. When they met he remembered thinking it might be difficult to live up to her standards. Well, he had failed miserably and there was no reason for her to give him another chance. It was the second time he had let a woman down but this time he could apologize, at least. He owed her that.


A/N: If you aren't familiar with 'Can't Fight This Feeling', check out the lyrics. It's an '84 power ballad that Josef would know from his party days. I think it mirrors his relationship with Sandrina. I've been trying to work 'A Whiter Shade of Pale' into a story. The song itself doesn't fit Josef's situation but I couldn't resist using the title line.