Recovering from sepsis turned out to be the most tedious, time-consuming, and boring task Lennier had ever undertaken. It turned out that recovering enough to be released from Medlab was merely the first part of the lengthy challenge. Nearly a month passed with Lennier confined to his quarters. For the first few days, that was all right – he still tired very easily, and he slept most of the day. But he seemed to grow just a little bit stronger every day; while this delighted himself and his friends, particularly Delenn, the fact that he was able to stay awake for longer periods of time meant that Lennier was unthinkably bored. He was so accustomed to exercising his active mind day in and day out, as both his studies back in temple and his work with Delenn required almost constant critical thinking. Having to spend so long away from his work left Lennier terribly desperate to be able to do something. He read book after book, solved an entire book of Earth puzzles called "Sudoku" that was given to him by Mr. Garibaldi, and even began teaching himself the Centauri language, which ought to impress Vir. But although he technically had no shortage of things to occupy his mind and time, they were not the same as doing his work, serving Delenn by her side and tackling the problems of the universe together. Lennier was beyond ready to resume his life, and with it, the calling of his heart.
Having his friends there helped, though. Vir still came often, and they talked and played cards (something at which Lennier had gotten considerably better since his 'learning experience' with Londo in the Dark Star). Vir and Delenn took turns bringing Lennier food, which was a blessing since even several weeks after the beginning of his recovery, he did not feel as though he even had remotely close to the energy needed to cook for himself. Thanks to Delenn, however, he found himself practically drowning in split Chudomo seed soup. It was a good thing he liked split Chudomo seed soup. And Delenn also inundated him with tea every time she came over to make sure he stayed both hydrated and as comfortable as he could be. And while he was happily sipping at the lovely warm concoction, she would ever so gently ask if he had taken all of his medications that day. It seemed to Lennier as though she was worried about seeming as though she did not trust him to take care of himself. But he would never think that of her – it meant the universe to him that she cared so much.
But as the days turned into weeks, Lennier made measurable progress, although it seemed to happen abysmally slowly. But it was progress all the same, and eventually he was able to better care for himself. After a time he found that he had the strength to stand for longer periods of time, and soon he was able to cook some of his own meals. And with the doctor's permission, in time, Lennier began to take walks up and down the halls of the station. As instructed by Franklin, he allowed himself only a few minutes at first, but as his strength returned the walks lengthened and his spirits increased at his progress.
"You look happy," Delenn noted one day as they sat together on Lennier's couch drinking tea. She had been shopping for fresh produce in the Zocalo and managed to find some Valeria fruit, a rare treat on Babylon 5 because it spoiled so quickly that it was difficult to ship all the way from Minbar to the station. It was grown in the gardens, but somehow it just did not quite taste the same as the round, red, juicy fruit from the homeworld. It was one of Lennier's favorites – he liked to pan-fry it with a clove of minced jenn and just a bit of salt and pepper. Delenn had looked so excited when she gave an entire bag full to him. He had not realized that she knew he liked it so much – it turned out that the both of them paid more attention to details about the other than they realized.
"I am happy," he affirmed, smiling into his cup of tea. "Doctor Franklin is requiring me to come to Medlab only every few days now, and after he examined me yesterday he said I can might be able to go back to work in as little as two weeks if all continues to go well."
Delenn's gray eyes danced with joy. "Oh, Lennier! That is wonderful news! It will be so good to have you back; I have missed you very much. Writing reports and preparing for meetings just is not the same without you working next to me at the table."
"I've missed you, too." He held himself back from throwing his full conviction behind those words– just a fraction was enough to get the point across. "And I am so ready to go back to work. I believe I am going, to use a phrase I have heard Commander Ivanova say, stir crazy."
Delenn lifted an eyebrow. "Stir crazy? I do not believe I have heard that saying before. What does stirring have anything to do with it? No one is forcing you to cook."
"No, I do that of my own accord," he said with a laugh. "Humans have strange turns of phrase. I am but a simple linguist – all I can do is remember them and attempt to use them in applicable situations."
Lennier thought for what was perhaps the millionth time just how much he loved that when Delenn laughed, she seemed to do so with every fiber of her being.
"Well, they do not make it easy. But I really have missed you, especially these past few days. With all of these meetings, I feel as though I have barely been able to come and visit you. I am sorry for that."
He had missed her too, and terribly. But he did not want to reiterate this point – it would only serve to make Delenn feel worse. So Lennier tried the opposite approach.
"Would you like to have dinner in my quarters tonight? I am afraid I cannot make a full meal for entertaining as I would like and as you deserve, but I can fry the Valeria fruit."
Delenn closed her eyes for a moment and sighed blissfully. "My mouth is watering already. But Lennier, are you certain you are feeling well enough for this?"
"I shall be fine," Lennier reassured her. "This is just what I need, I think."
"Very well," said Delenn happily. "In that case, I shall stop by the baker's stand and get us a fresh loaf of bread to go with our Valeria fruit. We shall have a very fine meal indeed."
If was, in fact, far from the fine meal Delenn deserved, but Lennier knew perfectly well that she was referring to the company rather than the food. He was about to agree with her when the beeping of his BabCom unit interrupted him. The notification voice stated in its robotic tone, "incoming call from Doctor Stephen Franklin".
Furrowing his brow, Lennier placed his nearly empty teacup on the little table next to the couch, stood, and walked over to stand in front of the screen. Looking concerned, Delenn followed him.
"Receive."
Franklin's face appeared on the screen. He looked a bit surprised to see Delenn.
"Hey, Lennier, Delenn." He seemed a little distracted to Lennier, almost troubled. "Lennier, can you come to Medlab? There's…something I need to discuss with you."
Oh. Lennier's stomach fluttered inside his abdomen as he realized what this must be about. It had been several weeks now, which was how long Franklin had said it would take. It was funny – as troubling as the idea had been, Lennier had almost forgotten about it. The company of his friends had kept him distracted, but now his worries came rushing back in an almost unbearable wave. But he needed to remain strong and stoic, for Delenn's sake. She did not yet know anything of this matter, and he intended to keep it exactly that way until he was sure.
"Yes, of course. I will come now."
"Thank you. Should I send a nurse with a chair?"
Lennier shook his head. "No, but thank you. I will walk. It is not far, and I am feeling up to it." He needed time to think, to prepare. Franklin had tried not to give anything away because of Delenn's presence, but it would take a lot more careful concealing of expressions to fool Lennier. He already knew exactly what the doctor was going to say to him.
"Okay, see you in a few minutes, then." Franklin terminated the transmission, and Lennier prepared himself to turn around and face Delenn without her knowing that his insides felt like they were crumbling into dust.
"Lennier?" He could picture her face even without seeing it, drawn in apprehensiveness, gray eyes filled with concern. He drew a breath – not as deep as he would have liked, for he did not wish her to see that he needed to gather his strength – and turned around.
"I suppose I ought to get going. I am sorry our time together was cut short. I look forward to our dinner tonight." He tried to force his smile to meet his eyes, because he knew that was where Delenn would look to know the true state of his heart – his eyes. And he was right. She laid her hand on his cheek and passed it over his skin until she gently cupped his chin, holding his head so that he had to look into her eyes. She, too, clearly sensed that something was wrong from Franklin's manner. Lennier wondered if she already knew how scared he was, without him even having to tell her. He tried to think brave thoughts, to show the strength Delenn was convinced he had, but he could not turn his mind away from the looming conversation with Franklin. Delenn studied him for several seconds, the concern in her eyes not abating. Finally, she asked quietly,
"Lennier, is everything all right?"
She did not ask what was wrong. She wanted to help, but she was giving him the opportunity to get out of telling her, because she sensed he might need it. And oh, how he wanted to tell her everything right then and there, uncertainty be damned. But it was not time yet – worry though she may, it was better to spare her this as long as possible. And so he laid his hand on hers and gently lowered it away from his face, and then interlaced his fingers with hers, and symbol of deep affection and reassurance.
"It is." He forced his visage not to falter even as he lied to her. Lennier had lied before on several occasions, probably more than any other Minbari he knew. But lying to Delenn was something else entirely, even though he did it to protect her. He still felt as though someone was strangling his heart, starving it of oxygen like a rope around a throat.
She held his eyes for one more long moment, and then disengaged her fingers from his.
"All right," she all but whispered, and he knew that she knew.
I'm sorry, Delenn.
"I will see you tonight. Is eighteen hundred hours all right for you?"
She opened her mouth, then closed it again, and swallowed and nodded.
"…Yes. I…I believe it should be."
"Excellent. Until then." He triangled his hands and bowed, something he had not done since the beginning of his recovery and the shift in the nature of his and Delenn's friendship. He saw pain leap like flames in Delenn's eyes at the reversion the gesture represented. Forcing himself to ignore it and the clawing he felt at the inside of his stomach at the sight of it, he turned and walked out the door, leaving Delenn standing alone in his quarters.
At exactly eighteen hundred hours, Lennier's door chime sounded. Drawing a shaky breath, he stood, removed Delenn's shawl from around his shoulders, folded it lovingly, and placed it on the table by the couch. Delenn had not rung the chime in weeks – she always just came in to avoid waking him should he be resting. It felt very formal, and now that Lennier had had a taste of their deeper friendship, he found that he did not want to return to formal. Especially now, when maintaining even a semblance of normality was a struggle and his life felt so fragile, as though everything he knew and loved would shatter if he breathed too hard.
"Come in," he said softly, starting toward the door. It swung open and Delenn entered, the smell of freshly baked bread wafting into the room with her. To Lennier's mild surprise, she smiled genuinely when she saw him. The smile was muted, and her eyes still held worry, but she was clearly glad to see him. Lennier smiled briefly back at her before moving the course of the evening forward. Part of him wanted to get dinner over with as soon as possible so that he could get everything out in the open. But another part of him, a more prominent part, was petrified, too scared to even begin to unpack the tightly wound ball of agony that had settled in his heart. But worse still was the knowledge that he was going to break her heart, and that he would not be there to comfort her through it. She would be all right, though, in the end – she had Sheridan. But Lennier had no one, and every time he thought of how alone he was going to be very soon, it very nearly left him breathless with anguish.
"That bread smells amazing!" he said, politely reaching out for the loaf in her arms. She handed it to him, and although he avoided her eyes, he could only imagine the sadness that resided in their depths.
"I bought it just now from a Brakiri baker in the Zocalo. It is freshly baked and still warm. I must confess I have never tried Brakiri bread before – I wonder if it will be very different from what we are accustomed to."
"I'm sure it will be wonderful," said Lennier softly as he placed the bread on the counter. The words felt hollow and false; how could anything in his life ever be wonderful again?
And that was when Lennier made the mistake of meeting Delenn's gaze. All it took was a single moment of looking into her eyes, and he could feel his resolve beginning to crumble. It was as though she could see every inch of his pain. He tried to pull his eyes down, but he was too late.
"Lennier." She reached for his hand, and he knew he should pull away. It was better to start gaining distance now, rather than prolonging both their suffering. But he found he had no power against the love in her eyes, and he allowed her hand to close around his. He cursed the way his body betrayed him when he felt himself begin to tremble.
"Please tell me what is the matter, Lennier. I cannot bear to see you in such pain."
And that is precisely the problem. No – he should not think about it until he absolutely had to. But the thoughts he had been holding at bay came flooding back too quickly to stop them. The news he had received that day, world-shattering though it was, paled in comparison to what it meant for the future.
Lennier felt Delenn wrap her arm around his back and lead him gently toward the couch; he found that he did not have the emotional strength to resist. She lowered him onto the seat and then positioned herself next to him, angling her body so that she almost faced him. She ran her thumb over his knuckles, the now-familiar gesture that had once brought him such comfort now tearing at his heart because he knew it might be the last time he would ever feel it. She watched him with patience and worry and love - he felt comfortable calling it that now, finally. What bitter irony. But keeping her waiting any longer would be cruel, he realized, and that was the last thing he wanted.
"I…I'm sorry. I just…I don't know how to tell you this." He barely managed a whisper, and he had to focus his thoughts into putting more substance behind his voice as he continued to speak. "As you know, after he discovered the antibody deficiency that caused my illness, Doctor Franklin has been working tirelessly to determine why my body was not producing antibodies to the bacteria Pseudocyanin ubique. He held out hope that it might have been some aberration that caused a temporary failure in antibody production – a viral infection his scans did not detect, or some other insult that would have compromised my immune system's ability to function correctly."
Delenn sat forward. "He has found something?"
"Actually, he found something quite some time ago – on the day I was moved to the general ward of Medlab, actually." Lennier drew a shaky breath, the memory of the moment earlier that day in which he knew for sure still fresh and devastating in his mind.
"Doctor Franklin followed lead after lead, only to reach a dead end every time. But finally, after calls to several doctors on Minbar, one of them found something about my case to be vaguely familiar and put him in touch with a very prominent geneticist in Tuzenor. Apparently…" Lennier swallowed hard, willing himself to find the strength to keep telling his story. "Apparently there exists a genetic condition in Minbari in which the affected individual completely stops producing antibodies to Pseudocyanin ubique. It is exceedingly rare – the inheritance pattern is quite complex, and it has only been documented in a handful of families over the years."
Delenn's voice sounded as though her throat had gone dry.
"Is one of those families the Third Fane of Chudomo?"
Lennier nodded, willing his hands to stop trembling for the hundredth time.
"Doctor Franklin sent a sample of my DNA to Minbar to be tested. He got the result back today. It was positive."
"Oh, Lennier..." Delenn's hand was also shaking now. "That was why you looked so troubled when I came into your room in the general ward for the first time. That was when the doctor told you what might be wrong."
"I wanted to tell you then and there," said Lennier hoarsely. "But you were so upset that day, and I knew that this would only make it worse. So then I decided it would be better to wait until I knew for sure – there was no point in worrying you when it might not turn out to be true at all. But it has."
"But I do not understand." Delenn furrowed her brow. "If this disease has always been present in your genetic code, why is it only manifesting now? Surely you have been exposed to this bacteria in the past – Doctor Franklin says we all have."
"The condition generally manifests around young adulthood, and the onset tends to be triggered by some overwhelming exposure to the bacteria, generally as the result of a large open wound or infiltration of the skin."
"The burns from the explosion," Delenn whispered, and Lennier nodded in affirmation.
"A genetic condition…" murmured Delenn after a pause. "There are not usually cures for those."
"And this one is no different." Lennier sighed shakily, and Delenn squeezed his hand so hard that it nearly went numb, as though she were trying to convey enough comfort for the both of them.
"Please do not worry about me, Delenn," he implored. "While it is true that I will have this condition forever, Doctor Franklin says it can be managed. I will need to have injections of the antibody twice a week for the rest of my life, as well as have the levels of antibody in my bloodstream tested regularly. And if I have any injuries that draw blood, or get ill in any way, or experience anything that might compromise my immune system, I am to take extra doses of the antibodies to ensure I have enough to fight off an infection." He tried to sound hopeful and encouraging, but he had a feeling he was failing miserably.
"But if you miss an injection, or your antibody levels are low from fighting off an exposure you did not realize you had, or you are caught away from home and medical care and something happens? What then?" Lennier expected Delenn already knew the answer to her own question, and that her mind was dealing with this onslaught of difficult news by thinking of all the possible things that could go even more wrong.
"Then the infection will spread to my bloodstream, and I will become septic again," he replied softly. He stared down at the floor, not thinking himself strong enough to bear seeing the pain in her eyes. But when Delenn uttered a soft sob of "Oh, Lennier," and threw her arms around him, against his better judgment he allowed himself to rest his cheek in the crook of her neck for just a moment. For they both needed to gather strength for what was coming next.
After several seconds, Delenn sat back on the couch and took a shaky breath.
"It will be all right. We will keep a very close eye on your health, and take special precautions to keep you safe in your work. I will consult with Doctor Franklin; I am sure he has some suggestions…"
"Delenn." Lennier's voice was barely a whisper – it was all he could manage. But it was enough for her to hear him, and at the grave tone of his voice she stopped mid-sentence and allowed him to continue. Lennier inhaled shakily.
"Delenn, Doctor Franklin has made a professional recommendation that I resign my position and return to Minbar."
"What?" Lennier had to steel himself against the pain in her eyes and her whisper that sent searing sparks through his heart. It was becoming harder and harder to maintain his composure.
"He says it is too dangerous here. Babylon 5 has so often been the site of violence and battles as of late, and with the looming threat of the war with the Shadows, the chance of injury, major or minor, has become even greater."
"He has a point," Delenn admitted softly. "But Doctor Franklin cannot force you to return to Minbar; he can only recommend it. The choice is yours, and it is not one to be rushed."
"I'm going back." Lennier could scarcely breathe past the tightening in his chest and throat, and now that he had finally said it, he found that he could not hold back the tears that pricked at the corners of his eyes. He should have been mortified to display such open emotion in Delenn's presence, but he could feel nothing but pain. The grief on Delenn's face at his words made it all the worse.
"Of…of course," she whispered, sounding a bit surprised but understanding, but with sadness permeating her every word. "You must look after your health first, Lennier."
"It isn't that." He had not wanted to say it, to say this. But he had gone too far to turn back. Tears now flowed freely down his cheeks, and at the sight of them Delenn resumed her knuckle-stroking. "Delenn, I…" He shut his eyes and winced as his breath shuddered within his chest. "I saw what my illness did to you, the pain it caused you, and I cannot put you through that again. No matter what it might cost me, I will not, I cannot hurt you again. Not like that." His tears were flowing faster now, and his sobs becoming closer together as the reality of it began to overwhelm him. He was leaving. After everything, everything they had been through together and finally reaching a beautiful point in their friendship, he would be leaving Delenn forever. And if things went as planned, he would never see her or talk to her ever again – if he was to avoid hurting her again, she needed to forget all about him. Let her concentrate on Sheridan – they would form their happy life together, have children, grow old together. She needn't ever think about Lennier. It was for the best. It really was. But it hurt so much.
As Lennier wept, he felt Delenn move closer to him on the couch so that their bodies were touching. Slowly, gently, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close so that his head rested against her chest. He should not have allowed that – he was supposed to be distancing himself from her – but he found that he did not have the resolve to resist her. He felt as weak and powerless as he had when he was in the ICU. So Lennier surrendered himself to Delenn's ministrations, his tears soaking her dress as she stroked his headbone.
"Lennier," she murmured, and he wanted to remember just how she said his name forever and ever.
"Lennier, listen to me." Reluctantly, he sat up, his heart crying out to stay close to her. But she took both of his hands in her own, and that mitigated the pain somewhat. "I know you want to protect me – you would not be the Lennier I know and love if you did not. And if concern for your health is weighing at all into this decision, then I think you should absolutely return to Minbar." Lennier sniffled and she pressed his hand, seemingly on instinct. "But Lennier, if you are basing this decision solely on me, which I suspect you are, I ask you to please reconsider. This is your life we are talking about, Lennier. You must ultimately follow the calling of your own heart. Do you want to stay on Babylon 5?"
"Yes!" Lennier sobbed. "Oh Delenn, I've never wanted anything more in my whole life than to stay here with you."
"Then I ask of you, as a very dear friend, not to let anything – not even me – get in the way of you following the calling of your heart. I want you to be happy just as much as you want me to be happy."
She was right. How could he have been so foolish to think that she would just forget about him? As small and insignificant as he might feel sometimes, it had become clear in the past few weeks just how committed Delenn was to their friendship. He would hurt her either way – there was no escaping it. But he could be there for her as she hurt. Lennier met her gaze with watery eyes and felt the very last bit of his resolve crumble away, and he fell into her embrace.
"Then I will stay. Oh Delenn, I will stay here with you forever and ever and ever."
"I would expect nothing less of you," she said, and he heard more than saw her smile.
Lennier stayed nestled in Delenn's arms for the longest time. He found, a bit to his horror, that now that his tears had started flowing, he could not stop them. Delenn patiently let him cry, resting her cheek against his head and holding his hand.
"I…I'm sorry," he managed to choke out after awhile. "I should not be this upset anymore, I do not…I do not know why I cannot seem to regain control of my emotions…" Another sob caught in his throat, and Delenn rested her hand tenderly on his cheek.
"Oh my sweet Lennier," she murmured. "You have been through so much, and you have tried to be strong for far too long. And you have had one of the hardest days of your entire life; not to mention needing to learn to live with this terrible news. You cry all you need to, my dear. I will be right here with you."
"Thank you, Delenn. I do not know what I would do without you," Lennier whispered tremulously.
"Stay here by my side forever, and you need never find out," she murmured affectionately.
Dukhat's words came suddenly back to Lennier, then.
"You will share a bond stronger than friendship, and you will be ever by her side, just as I know your heart desires. You are no longer a lowly priest, my young friend, or even only a diplomatic aide – you have a part to play in many great events to come. The galaxy is poised on the edge of enormous changes, and both you and Delenn have indispensible roles in those changes. But each of you works best at the other's side – two minds will become one, and two hearts will overlap and overflow. You will care for each other, comfort each other, and support each other. You will laugh together, cry together, and dream together. And together, you will change the universe. Wonderful though it may sound, it will not be easy – the road will be long and dark and incredibly painful… But your devotion to her is strong – I have faith that you will fulfill your role as her guide successfully despite the tribulations, and I have no doubt that your love for her will never waver."
Lennier had been so caught up in his need to protect Delenn even at great cost to himself that he had completely forgotten the great religious leader's prophecy. Delenn and Lennier were meant to be together. She would change the world, and he was to be her guide and her companion. It would not be an easy road – with the events of that day, Lennier now understood why. But as long as he and Delenn were there for each other, they would be all right.
A mixture of grief and relief and sheer emotional exhaustion kept Lennier crying for longer than he ever had before. But Delenn stayed with him, conveying all the strength and love he needed to make it through. Finally, both of them fell asleep, with Delenn leaning back against the arm of the couch and Lennier with his head nestled in her lap. And there they stayed until the morning, and despite the circumstances, both slept more peacefully than they had in a very long time.
