It had been a long two months. A very long two months.
It had not been easy, but Marcus had succeeded in his mission. The constant stress of the need to remain undercover had left him utterly spent. When the freighter picked him up, he sank down onto the same dirty mattress and slept nearly nonstop for the entire four-day journey back to Minbar.
The moment he disembarked at the Rangers' training center, he was met by a courier bearing a data crystal, the same young Minbari who had brought him the news of Lennier's impending death. Even though the poor messenger had done nothing wrong, Marcus could not help but feel the slightest bit of contempt when he saw him.
"Ranger Cole," he said, triangling his hands and bowing low. "This message came the day after you departed. I am sorry we were unable to get it to you, but doing so would have compromised the integrity of your mission. I…I do hope there is nothing in it that was time-sensitive."
"Who is it from?" asked Marcus, unease growing in his heart.
"Ambassador Delenn."
Marcus's stomach turned over. He dismissed the little courier and clutched the data crystal tightly in his hand. He knew what was very likely in Delenn's message. He had spent the last two months slowly beginning to accept it, but despite that his grief still felt fresh. He almost stowed the data crystal, but he had recently seen the value of closure, and it stayed his hand. Maybe, just maybe, it would help the pain that had long since settled in his heart.
He made his way to his little room in the barracks, threw his rucksack on the floor, and inserted the crystal into the port on the screen. Delenn's face appeared. She looked almost incomprehensibly weary, but her eyes were bright. Confused by this, Marcus turned his attention to the content of the message.
"Marcus, I tried to call you in person, but you were unavailable. I hope that does not mean you have left on your mission already." Her face broke into a smile and her eyes brightened. "Marcus, Lennier is alive and recovering. He is very weak and he has a long road ahead of him, but Doctor Franklin is confident he will be wholly restored to us. Our dear doctor is, as I have heard Londo describe him, a 'veritable wizard'. Anyhow, Marcus, I hope that you take heart in this news to see you through your mission. I wish you safety and success, and I look forward with great anticipation to your return. May the blessings of Valen be upon you, my friend."
The message ended and Delenn's face vanished. Marcus sank against the angled bed for support, his mind moving at a million miles per minute.
Lennier was alive? But how? Stephen made it sound as though there was no hope. Marcus tried to cast aside the analytics that automatically came to his mind. His friend was alive and recovering, and that was all that really mattered. He was happy – he truly was, beyond measure. But after having grieved for two months, the sudden news that it had all been in vain shook him at the foundation a bit.
"Not in vain," he said aloud, his voice echoing off of the crystalline walls. As painful as the last two months had been due to the apparent loss of his friend, at the end of them, Marcus felt more comfortable with himself than he ever had. His guilt and insecurities had been vastly reconciled, and for the first time in longer than he could remember Marcus felt free to live his life without the chains of the past binding him and holding him back. It had all been because of Lennier. And now, he would get to tell him that.
Marcus's gaze happened to land on the little prayer area in the corner. Someone had come through and cleaned it up, replacing the broken implements and restoring it so that there was no evidence of his outburst two months prior. Deep in thought, Marcus walked over to it and sat down on the floor, the now-familiar cold seeping in through his clothing. He lit one of the candles and stared into the small, ever-changing flame, remembering his pain and desperation the last time he had sat there. He had not been sure he believed then, and he still was not. But if he was keeping score, he supposed whatever had restored his friend to him was a point in favor of the existence of some deity. But he would keep that particular detail out of his conversation with Lennier.
After his debriefing with Ranger One, Marcus boarded the little flyer he had flown from Babylon 5 to Minbar and set off for the station. As soon as he had cleared the planet's atmosphere and set a course, he called Delenn on a subspace channel. After several seconds, she answered.
"Marcus!" Her face lit up with delight at the sight of him. "Oh, it is wonderful to see your face. I do hope your mission was a success and you are coming back to us."
"I am on my way as we speak," he replied. "And I will tell you all about the mission once I return to the Babylon 5 – I have learned it is best not to speak of covert things over a channel when they can wait to be said in person. But Delenn, other than to tell you of my return, the reason I wanted to speak with you is the transmission I received from you when I returned to Minbar earlier today."
Delenn furrowed her brow. "But I did not send you a transmission today. I knew your mission was covert, so I have not sent you any transmissions since…" She trailed off, her eyes widening in horror. "Oh, Marcus. Tell me you did not only just get that message today."
Marcus swallowed hard. "I am afraid I did."
"And the one just prior to it, from Doctor Franklin?"
"Two months ago, just before I left Minbar."
"Oh, Marcus," Delenn whispered, biting her bottom lip. "I do not know what to say…"
"How is he?" Marcus interrupted her. What Marcus had been through the past two months did not matter, as long as Lennier was still all right.
Delenn smiled, and Marcus felt a release of tension he had not realized had been building up within his muscles. "Lennier is still recovering, but he is ever so much better than he was. Doctor Franklin is amazed by how quickly he is progressing. I should think he will be well enough to return to work soon, although if it were up to Lennier he would have been writing reports for me while he was still in Medlab." She laughed, and Marcus forced a chuckle. Even over the channel, Delenn picked up on his effort, and sadness veiled her eyes.
"I am so sorry, Marcus. The grief of losing a friend is perhaps the worst feeling one can know. For you to have spent so long believing Lennier to be gone…"
Marcus shook his head. "It doesn't matter, Delenn. He's all right, and that's all I care about. Never mind what I went through – it was worth it to know he's on his way to recovery. And it wasn't your fault. The universe just has an unfortunate sense of timing sometimes. It's just a lot to process, that is all. I promise. In fact, despite my two months of grief, I feel as I have come out of it for the better."
"What do you mean?"
"Do you remember what you told me you thought I should give up for the Nafak'cha?"
"Yes, of course. Your guilt at surviving people you loved and not being able to help them." She was tentatively hopeful, Marcus could tell.
"Well, I know it's a bit late for the Nafak'cha, but I am happy to say I have made great strides in letting go of that guilt. And it was Lennier who inspired me to do it."
Delenn gasped, beaming with joy and pride. "Marcus, that is wonderful! I cannot tell you how happy that makes me."
"Thank you, Delenn, for keeping your faith in me."
"I would not have had I thought you did not deserve it. Lennier will be happy to hear this news as well. He, too, was worried about the state of your heart, Marcus. He has missed you – he has asked several times when you will be returning. And although Vir and I have been doing what we can to keep him company, I think it will do him good to have another friend to visit with him as he recovers. I'm afraid being confined to bed and now to his quarters for so long has been a bit difficult on him."
"I know how much he loves his work," chuckled Marcus. "I can't imagine he's enjoyed being away from it for this long. But if it's all right with you, could we not tell him I'm returning until I'm actually there? If he indeed has missed me as you said, my showing up unexpectedly might be a nice surprise." It felt good to know his friend had missed him, Marcus thought. His own thoughts had been on Lennier so often over the past couple of months, so it warmed the cockles of his heart just a bit to know that Lennier had been thinking of him, as well.
"I think that is a wonderful idea, Marcus! Lennier will be so pleased to see you. But I am afraid I must be going – I have a meeting I must attend. When should I expect you back?"
"Around seventy-two hours from now. I'll call you and check in a few hours before docking."
"All right. Fly safely, Marcus. And know that I am so proud of you."
The warmth in Marcus's heart at her words lingered long after the transmission ended. Making sure the autopilot was set correctly, he leaned back in his seat and let his thoughts wander to pleasant places, and eventually dozed off.
Three days later, Marcus made his way stiffly from the docking port into the terminal of Babylon 5, thankful beyond measure to be able to stand up straight and take full strides after three days in the tiny, cramped flier. He could see Delenn sitting in the terminal, talking to Vir Cotto. When she noticed Marcus's approach, Delenn brightened visibly, stood, and began to make her way over to him. They met halfway, and before Marcus could say anything, Delenn threw her arms around him.
"It is good to see you, Marcus," she said, joy evident in her voice, before stepping back and appearing to give his face a thorough examination.
"It's still the same old me, Delenn," laughed Marcus. "Being abducted and replaced with a clone was not on my mission itinerary, I can assure you."
"It is you, but you seem so much more whole than when you left. I feel as though I am truly seeing you for the first time, Marcus."
"And do you like what you see?"
"Very much." Her smile seemed to overflow the confines of her face. It was infectious.
"How's Lennier?"
Delenn's radiant visage flickered just the tiniest bit with sadness. "Physically, he is continuing to recover just fine. But he had a difficult night last night. I am afraid he is…learning to deal with a personal matter, and one that will not soon go away. But the details are not mine to disclose, I am afraid."
"Oh course not," said Marcus, shaking his head. "But should I perhaps not go and visit him just now? Maybe he would rather be alone?"
"On the contrary, I think seeing you would be of great benefit to him," replied Delenn. "Especially since I will stuck in meetings well into the evening tonight, I am afraid. I am loathed to leave him alone for so long just now without at least checking up on him, but I am afraid as soon as I leave here I will be a prisoner to the pursuit of diplomacy for hours without end." She looked mildly disgusted.
"Then I shall go and keep him company," said Marcus definitively. "I shall not even stop at my own quarters on the way."
"I think tonight would be better," countered Delenn. "It is the afternoon, so Lennier is probably asleep just now. I know he tries his best to be awake for when I visit him in the mornings and evenings. Actually, I think I have an idea." She glanced over her shoulder back at Vir, who was still sitting in the plastic terminal seat, looking at the "arrivals" board with growing concern on his face. When he sensed Delenn's gaze, however, he turned to look at her, and she motioned him over.
"Vir, Marcus do the two of you know each other?"
"A little," said Marcus. He knew of the Centauri ambassadorial aide, certainly. He and Lennier were fairly good friends, and the strange alien equivalent of drinking buddies. And Vir had always seemed nice enough in the brief interactions they had had.
"Mostly by reputation. Yours is, of course, an excellent one, Ranger Cole," Vir clarified quickly.
"Please, call me Marcus." Marcus smiled at the young Centauri's polite awkwardness. Guessing he and Lennier would be friends was no great leap.
Vir nodded eagerly.
"Excellent," said Delenn. "Vir, would you happen to have plans for tonight?"
Looking yet again at the arrivals board, Vir sighed apprehensively. "Well, given that Londo's transport has now been delayed by thirty-six minutes, my guess would be that he will be in too much of a state for us to do any work for the rest of the day. And while I think I can hear him yelling all the way from hyperspace, the upswing is I should be free tonight."
Marcus winced sympathetically. He admired Vir's patience. If Marcus had to deal with Londo day in and day out, he likely would have clocked him with his Denn'bok a long time ago.
"Excellent," said Delenn. "As I was just telling Marcus, I am going to be in meetings for the rest of the day and well into the evening. But Lennier has had a bit of a difficult time recently, and I think he is feeling quite lonely. He does not know yet of Marcus's return. I was hoping that the two of you could surprise him with a visit and do something enjoyable tonight. In his quarters, of course – he isn't well enough to be up and about just yet, and you should make sure he isn't too tired for company. But I really think he would appreciate some companionship and something to take his mind off of…things."
"That sounds like a wonderful idea," said Marcus.
"I agree," added Vir. "But what should we do? I've never planned a surprise feel-better party before."
Delenn smiled. "I am sure you will think of something marvelous. But I am afraid I really must be going, or I risk being late for my meeting. I am glad you are back, Marcus. I look forward to hearing about your mission. Have a good time tonight!"
And with that she was gone, leaving a slightly stunned Marcus and Vir in her wake.
"Amazing," said Marcus as he stared in the direction Delenn had vanished. "She has the entire universe under her thumb and yet no one resents her for it. She truly is a wonder."
"You sound like Lennier," said Vir with a touch of fondness.
"Hmm? Yes, I suppose I do. Speaking of whom, I suppose we have some planning to do."
"I want to help, but I don't have the faintest idea where to begin. I…don't entertain much, so I'm no good at planning this kind of thing."
"I am afraid I have rather the same problem." Marcus sighed. He scanned the terminal in mild desperation, looking for someone who might be of assistance. He was not really expecting to see anyone helpful, but to his immensely good fortune, his eyes rested upon the balding head of someone who seemed like they would be very good at finding ways to make a friend feel better. Marcus glanced at Vir to make sure he saw them, too, and Vir nodded. Together, the human and the Centauri set off across the terminal. When they neared their target, Vir called out,
"Mr. Garibaldi! Mr. Garibaldi, do you have a moment? We need some advice."
That evening, Marcus and Vir, both having fulfilled their respective preparatory roles, met at the mouth of the hallway in Green Sector down which Lennier's quarters were located. Once they had determined that all aspects of their plan were in place, they got in position. Marcus, holding his flat square box, stood to the side of the door with his back flat against the wall so that he could not be seen from inside, and Vir rang the door chime.
"Who is it?" Lennier's voice seemed even more soft-spoken than normal, barely audible through the intercom.
"It's Vir," the Centauri stated cheerfully.
"Come in. Please." Lennier still sounded a bit weary, but decidedly brighter upon hearing his friend's voice. The door swung open and Vir stepped barely inside the threshold, staying close enough to prevent the door from automatically closing, which allowed Marcus to listen for his cue.
"Vir, this is a nice surprise. It…it's good to see you." Lennier sounded close to Marcus, as though he had gone to meet Vir at the door. The slight sadness in his voice that Marcus had thought he'd heard over the intercom was more evident now that he could hear it directly. Marcus recalled what Delenn had said about Lennier learning to deal with a personal matter that would not soon go away. Wondering what that matter could be had troubled Marcus all day. If he knew, perhaps he could help. But he knew better than to press the sensitive Lennier – he would just have to wait and hope his friend saw fit to confide in him.
But after two months of believing him to be dead, just hearing Lennier's voice seemed like a miracle. And Marcus didn't even believe in miracles.
"And you," replied Vir. "I saw Delenn today and she said she was in meetings all day and well into the evening, and she suggested you might like a friend to spend some time with. Are you feeling up to a little company?"
After a brief pause, Lennier answered softly,
"It would be nice to have a friend here tonight. Thank you, Vir. That's very kind."
"You're my friend – I enjoying spending time with you too, you know," Vir pointed out. "And I'm glad you're up for this, because I have a surprise for you!"
"A surprise?" Lennier sounded tentative.
His cue received, Marcus stepped away from the wall and into view, brandishing his cardboard-encased cargo in front of him.
"Surprise!"
"Marcus!" Marcus watched Lennier's expression change from stunned to joyful, and he couldn't help but feel happy at the way his friend's voice caught in his throat just the littlest bit when he said Marcus's name. After everything, Marcus could not resist some form of physical contact with his friend, despite their tumultuous history with such things. Marcus handed his box to Vir and was about to warn Lennier that he was going to touch him when to Marcus's surprise, Lennier grabbed his arm.
"Marcus, it's really good to see you."
"Not half as good as it is to see you." Marcus laid his free hand on top of Lennier's. "You gave us all quite a scare, my friend."
"So I've been informed." Lennier let go of Marcus's arm, clasped his hands in front of him, and lowered his eyes. "I am afraid I have a good number of apologies to make on that front."
"And as unwarranted as they are, I am sure you have made all of them several times already." Lennier looked up, the smallest of appreciative smiles pulling at one corner of his mouth. "I'm just glad to see you're on the mend."
Vir interjected with vague impatience. "While this is a very sweet reunion, the intoxicating smells coming from this box are getting to me. Can we eat soon?"
"That does smell good," agreed Lennier. "What is it?"
"Ah." Marcus took the box back from Vir, set it on Lennier's counter, and opened the lid to reveal its tasty contents. "As it turns out, neither Vir nor I are very good at planning feel-better parties, so we asked our good friend Mr. Garibaldi for advice. He suggested pizza and a movie, so that is what we decided to do."
"Pizza?" echoed Lennier, examining the circular food item curiously. "I have never heard of this."
"I hadn't either, before today," admitted Vir. "But I am very excited to try it."
"It's an Earth food, but one that fortunately carried over to Arisia when humans colonized it generations ago," said Marcus. "It's one of my personal favorites. Pepperoni, sausage, and a lot of cheese, all on a crust with just the right amount of crispiness." His mouth watered as he spoke.
"Well, the last time I tried an Earth food with which I was unfamiliar, I ended up liking it very much," said Lennier. "I must admit, while I was eager to try foods from other cultures when I first came to Babylon 5, I did not expect to enjoy them as much as I do Minbari food. But Commander Ivanova's chocolate chip cookies are among some of the most pleasing foods I have ever eaten."
"They were good," agreed Vir. "But to be fair, you had been subsisting on nothing but Medlab food for well over a week at that point."
"If they were made by Susan, I'm sure they were the definition of perfection," said Marcus staunchly. Susan had made chocolate chip cookies while he was gone? Could he have missed anything more wonderful? What a perfect chance to compliment her that would have been! That was it – Marcus was never leaving the station again. Anyway, there was nothing that could be done about it now.
"All right, let's get the movie going so we can start eating before Vir gets hungry enough to down the whole pizza before the rest of us can have any," he said, picking up the pizza and setting it on the table in front of the couch. The others followed him over. Lennier started to sit down on the floor, doubtlessly out of deference to his guests, but Marcus shook his head disapprovingly.
"Oh no, you don't. You lie down on the couch. Vir and I can sit on the floor."
Lennier's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no, I couldn't! You are guests…"
"Unannounced guests intruding upon your home whilst you are recovering from illness," Marcus pointed out. "We are supposed to be helping you feel better – that includes making sure you rest comfortably."
Lennier flashed a stubborn glare at him, but Marcus was not nearly as afraid to be demonstrative with his obstinacy as his polite friend. Lennier sighed softly and flopped down on the couch. Vir looked slightly apologetic toward his Minbari friend as he lowered himself to the floor.
"Good," said Marcus with a nod. "Now that our seating arrangements are in order, it is time for tonight's feature!" He examined the data crystal containing what they were to be viewing. "Vir, getting this was your job. Would you care to elaborate on exactly what it is we're watching?"
"Yes! Um, well…I'm not quite sure, actually. As this was also at Mr. Garibaldi's recommendation, it is an Earth television show from the mid-twentieth century. For some reason, he did not give me the first episode – he told me 'the premise is nowhere near as good as the content'." I'm not sure what he meant by that." Vir shrugged as Marcus inserted the crystal into the port on the screen, and then went to sit by the Centauri on the floor.
"All right, mates, let's dig in!" He was met with two curious and somewhat confused expressions. "It means 'let's eat'!" Demonstratively, he took a piece of pizza from the box and bit into it, the cheesy, spicy goodness flooding his senses. After two months on mission, this was like heaven. He closed his eyes in bliss.
Vir and Lennier likewise chose the first parts of their dinner. Vir grabbed the first piece he could get his hands on and started on it immediately, nodding and making little noises of contentment. Lennier seemed to put great thought into his careful selection of slice. Once he had finally made his choice, he sniffed at it, then took the smallest of bites and chewed very slowly. It was rather fun for Marcus to see the exact moment in which the little Minbari realized he loved pizza. His face lit up and he immediately took another, considerably larger bite, looking even happier.
The title of the television show flashed across the screen. Marcus raised an inquiring eyebrow.
"Lost in Space?"
"Apparently," confirmed Vir through a mouthful of pizza.
"That sounds both unfortunate and rather unenjoyable," said Lennier from his perch on the couch. "Does Mr. Garibaldi truly derive pleasure from observing the misfortunes of these people?"
"I'm sure it's only a story, Lennier," Marcus reassured him.
"Wish Upon a Star," Vir read the episode title aloud. "I don't think I understand."
"It's a very old human tradition," Marcus explained. "As the sun sets, you look for the first star to appear that night and make a wish. The tradition says your wish is supposed to come true."
"But in reality any correlation is purely coincidental, surely," said Lennier. He sounded just the tiniest bit sad.
"I suppose so." Marcus did not mention that more than once he had looked outside the station window and wished upon a star that Susan would love him as he loved her. It hadn't happened yet, so Lennier was probably right.
They settled in to watch the show. After they finished eating, Vir and Marcus relaxed with their backs leaning against the bottom of the couch, and Lennier actually laid down without Marcus having to tell him to do so again, facing the television, his cheek and the side of his headbone resting on one of the throw pillows.
The episode was so terribly campy that it truly was entertaining – Marcus was not surprised for a moment that Garibaldi enjoyed it. The characters, a human family and an hilariously annoying scientist who were, as the show's title implied, stranded on a conveniently livable planet, found a machine that granted wishes at a mere thought.
"Why don't they just wish themselves back to Earth?" asked Vir.
"I imagine they'll address that. Or at least I hope," answered Marcus. "Awww, little Will wants a microscope. Lennier, I doubt even you were that intellectually oriented as a child."
"On the contrary, I see quite a bit of younger self in the character."
"I'll bet you snuck out of your room at the temple in the middle of the night to go to the library all the time, didn't you?" Marcus turned back to his friend and raised an eyebrow.
"Of course not!" Lennier seemed appalled that he would even imply such a thing. "Or at least not when I was that age. It was forbidden for the youngest novitiates to leave their rooms past curfew." He paused then, a small smile pulling at one corner of his mouth. "I might have, on quite a few occasions, combined a large blanket and a carefully placed candle to stay up past bedtime reading in my room, however."
Marcus chuckled and, at Vir's shushing, turned back to the show. What was interesting to him was that the show had been made so close to the invention of television on Earth that it was in black and white. When he turned around to share this observation with the history-loving Lennier approximately half an hour in to the episode, he found that his friend had fallen fast asleep where he lay on the couch. Marcus seriously doubted that this had anything to do with being bored with their choice of feature, and much more to do with Lennier still being in the process of recovering both his physical and emotional strength. Marcus nudged Vir and pointed at their mutual friend; they both smiled warmly, and Marcus lowered the volume of the show just a touch. Then he rose, removed the blanket from Lennier's bed, and tucked it over the Minbari. He and Vir then continued to watch in relative quiet, allowing the show to roll over into the next episode after they finished the one about the wishing machine. At one point, Vir squinted his eyes at the screen in deep concentration.
"Marcus, that little boy, Will – does he look familiar to you?" he asked quietly, so as not to wake his dozing friend.
Marcus studied the character carefully.
"Now that you mention it, yes, he does. I can't quite place him, but I do have the strangest feeling that I've seen him before."
The two looked at each other, and then slowly, simultaneously turned back to look at Lennier, who was still sleeping peacefully on the couch. They stared at him for several seconds, then shook their heads and turned back to the screen.
When the second episode ended, Vir turned to Marcus and said, sounding regretful,
"I hate to leave without saying goodbye to Lennier, but I really ought to be going. Londo will want to start early in the morning, I'm sure, and a good night's sleep takes dealing with him for a full day from exquisite torture to only painful most of the time. But I don't want Lennier to wake up and find us both gone…"
"I'll stay with him," Marcus reassured him. "You go ahead. I'm sure he'll understand."
"Thanks," replied Vir gratefully. He headed for the door, but then turned back around.
"We did well, didn't we? I mean I know he fell asleep half an hour in, but he seemed happy for that half an hour. And I've learned that I like pizza. A lot."
Marcus chuckled. "Yes, Vir. We did do well. In fact, I think we should make movie nights a regular occurrence."
Vir agreed wholeheartedly, and then went on his way. Marcus settled down at Lennier's kitchen table with the copy of The Three Musketeers he had found on his friend's bookshelf. Marcus had read the giant tome several times, but there was always room for one more. The book looked as though it had been read, although he wouldn't have pinned Lennier for a Dumas fan. After another half hour or so, Lennier stirred and then sat up, blinked, and looked around, confused. He furrowed his brow when his gaze landed on Marcus.
"Did…did I fall asleep?"
"You certainly did, my friend," laughed Marcus, getting up and going to sit next to his friend on the couch. "For nearly ninety minutes. We finished "Wish Upon a Star" and the entire subsequent episode."
"Oh," said Lennier quietly. "Then I am afraid I have quite ruined your feel-better party. I am very sorry."
"Don't be sorry. It was your party, after all! So you can do whatever you want to do at it – including sleep through the vast majority of the show."
"I didn't want to sleep," Lennier sighed. "But I am afraid my body is still feeling the effects of my illness a bit. And yesterday…yesterday was difficult. I am afraid it exhausted me." He sighed and sat back, and while Marcus was surprised that Lennier would say even that much about something that was clearly emotionally problematic for him, he wished yet again that his friend would further confide in him.
"I suppose Vir has gone home?" Lennier folded his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, looking as though he were trying to make himself as small as possible.
"He has. He has an early start in the morning. He did not want to leave without saying goodnight, but I told him I'd say it for him."
Lennier allowed himself the smallest of smiles. "That's nice. Of both of you."
Marcus grinned. "I know."
Lennier sighed, unfolded himself, and rose slowly. "If you will please excuse me, I have medication I should not allow myself to become overdue in taking." He walked over to the little open kitchen, poured himself a sizeable glass of water, and then began to tackle an extensive row of prescription bottles that Marcus had not previously noticed.
"Did Stephen just unload his extra pharmacy inventory onto you, Lennier? Exactly how many medications are you on?" He hoped it was evident that the question was asked out of concern rather than a simple drive to pry. But apparently Lennier understood, for he did not lash out; he only sighed wearily.
"Right now? Five."
"Five?"
"It is considerably less than the eleven I had to take when I was first released from Medlab. And I actually do not know what the doctor gave me intravenously while I was hospitalized." He twisted the lid back on the last bottle and traipsed back over to sit once more on the couch. Marcus followed him. "I was so weak and constantly exhausted for such a long time that I am afraid I had no choice but to simply put my continued existence completely in Doctor Franklin's hands. And while I know those hands are extremely capable, and I am eternally grateful to have someone with such talent and skill here to care for me, it was still very unnerving." He seemed to Marcus to be suppressing a shiver.
"That's perfectly understandable," Marcus reassured him. "You're a protector, Lennier. Even if you had never come to Babylon 5 or met Delenn, you would have found someone else to protect and serve – it's not just in your training, but also in your nature. Being severely compromised like that, when you have that kind of personality…it's unbelievably difficult. The need to be able to fight for the people you love – it doesn't go away. You just can't do it. I know what it feels like. Being Anla'Shok has its downsides, and one of them, I am afraid, is injury."
Lennier afforded him a small, grateful smile, but then sighed shakily.
"As awful as it was, I am afraid I might need to become accustomed to it."
"What do you mean?" Was Lennier actually about to confide in him? Marcus tried to keep as voice as calm as possible, as though Lennier's confidence was some wild animal that would startle and bolt at the slightest of noises. But it was a struggle – Lennier's words worried him.
Lennier studied the floor for several seconds, so long that Marcus was sure he'd decided against talking to him. But then, so softly that Marcus nearly missed it, he murmured,
"Do you promise not to tell anyone?"
"Tell them what, Lennier?"
Slowly, painfully, Lennier met his eyes. "That this could happen all over again, just as easily as I cut my finger on that chair in Down Below. I could be dying in Medlab again next week, or next year, or ten years from now."
Marcus's heartbeat quickened, and his stomach felt as though it were doing somersaults. "I don't understand."
And then Lennier told him about the genetic test, the disease, and the positive result of the previous day. It was no wonder he seemed so weary, both emotionally and physically – news like that was the kind of thing that took a heavy toll, even when one was healthy. And likewise, it was suddenly obvious to Marcus why Delenn had not wanted Lennier to be alone tonight.
"Please don't tell anyone," Lennier implored once more when he had finished his tale. "Right now the only other person besides the medical staff who knows about this is Delenn, and I wish to keep it that way. I have considered telling Vir as well, as he is my closest friend beyond the two of you. But he has been so wonderfully kind to me these past few weeks. I don't wish to worry him unnecessarily."
"I won't tell a soul," Marcus reassured him. He would have preferred Lennier notify his friends and the people he worked with, so that measures could be taken to keep him safe. But he knew that Lennier would be appalled at this, and he knew why.
"Thank you," said Lennier, drawing his legs up so that he sat cross-legged on the couch. "I just know that if word of this gets out, everyone is going to start worrying about me and treating me like I'm going to break. And I don't want that. If anything else in my life suddenly becomes different, I don't know what I'm going to do."
"You'll cope," said Marcus softly. "Just as you will do with this, and just as you do with everything else. It might not be easy, and you might fight it, but at the end of the day you know you have people who need you and who care about you, so you'll work through it, for them. And for one person in particular."
Lennier closed his eyes for a moment, and Marcus was glad to see a truly happy smile tug at his friend's lips. "Yes. One person in particular."
"How's she doing with all of this?" asked Marcus gently, knowing that Delenn and feelings tended to be a touchy combination of subjects for his friend.
"I have always known that Delenn's capacity for compassion is infinite, but that does not change how honored I feel to have had her here with me throughout this ordeal. She has cared for me, comforted me, and kept me holding onto the last threads of my strength when nothing else could. Throughout the course of my illness and recovery, we have grown closer. I have let go of my misplaced love for her, and we have embarked upon the path of what I know will be the deepest of friendships." Lennier paused then for several seconds, his eyes distant, as though he were remembering something terribly painful and trying to summon up the strength to speak of it.
"She is truly the only reason I am still alive, Marcus. She never left me the whole time I was ill – not once. I do not remember much of what happened during that time, but every memory I do have involves her doing everything she could to comfort me whilst I was in the throes of delirium. I do not deserve a fraction of the love she has shown me, but without it I know I would not be alive to tell you all of this. But it came at such a terrible price." He drew a tremulous breath. "I put her through so much pain and worry throughout all of this, and now with this…condition with which I have been diagnosed, I am afraid that I will only continue to hurt her further. I know." He lifted a hand against Marcus's impending protest. "I know it isn't my fault, and that there isn't anything I can do about it. Delenn has reassured me of this more times than I can count. But that does not change the facts. I only wish I could begin to make up for what I put her through."
"Perhaps I can help you there, my friend," said Marcus softly. Lennier, who had once again been staring at his feet, quickly met his eyes, hope sparking behind his soft brown irises. "May I tell you a story?" Lennier nodded, a looking a bit apprehensive but still desperate to believe that Marcus really could help him.
"I did not receive the transmission about your recovery until I returned to Minbar a few days ago," Marcus began. "I am afraid I spent two months believing you to be dead."
Lennier's eyes widened in horror, and when he spoke, his voice came out ever so slightly higher-pitched than normal. "Marcus, I know you are trying to help, but I am afraid you are doing a terrible job of it."
"I know, but you have to hear me out. Will you listen to rest of the story, and trust me?"
Lennier considered this uncertainly for a moment, and then nodded slowly.
"Thank you." And then Marcus told Lennier everything - his attempts at prayer, the message from Stephen before he had left for his mission, his destruction of the prayer area in his quarters in the barracks (at which Lennier winced visibly but did not comment upon, sadness written in his eyes), and finally his grief and subsequent revelation on the freighter.
"I knew you would want to die with honor, because that's an important thing to your people," Marcus finished quietly. "And if your death could not be in Delenn's service, I suspected that for you an honorable death would mean making her happy somehow. I am afraid I made her rather sad when I could not let go of my guilt at being alive and well when many whom I love are dead or hurting. Letting go wasn't easy, Lennier – in fact, it was probably the hardest damn thing I've ever done. But you were dying, and if I couldn't make you live then I had to do something. It still hurts, but I don't feel the guilt anymore. But until a few days ago, everything I felt was marred by my grief for you."
"And now?" Lennier whispered. His eyes had remained as wide as saucers throughout Marcus's entire tale. He clearly felt awful, and guilty, for what Marcus had gone through, but simultaneously daring to hope that something good for someone he cared about might have come out of this terrible situation.
"I am still a bit in shock, to be completely honest with you," replied Marcus with a harsh laugh. "I mean, look at you." He gestured up and down at Lennier's body, attempting to indicate the fact that his friend continued to exist. "Four days ago, I was completely convinced you'd died nearly two months ago, and here I am having pizza with you. But I…I'm starting to feel something different, Lennier. Something I don't think I've ever felt before. I think…I think it might be peace." He drew a deep breath, searching deep within himself. Yes, peace. It was not a concept he was terribly familiar with. He had never allowed himself to feel it before. But now…things were different now. It would be a slow process, but perhaps he and peace would come to be at least passing acquaintances.
"Lennier, you should have seen Delenn's face when I told her. She was so happy."
"Thank you." Lennier's voice was barely audible, but his eyes shown with gratitude. "She was upset and so very worried about you over the whole situation with the Nafak'cha. After everything that has happened, thank you for giving her this. I…I do not know how to repay you."
"Continuing to stay alive would be a pretty good start."
Lennier, in classic fashion, missed the touch of humor entirely. "This has helped, Marcus. And as far as seeing you with a soul on the way to being mended, Delenn is not the only one made happy." Marcus raised his eyebrows at the admission of personal feelings as Lennier continued, more quietly this time.
"You're my friend, Marcus. And though our relationship has been tumultuous at times, which was my fault far more often than not, the state of your soul matters to me." He lowered his eyes in automatic concern about the presumptuousness of his statement, his Religious Caste training and introverted nature struggling against his feelings of friendship toward Marcus.
"You know," chuckled Marcus, "you're very bold, for a Religious Caste Minbari." Lennier triangled his hands, and Marcus decided to stop being cruel. "But that's why I like you. We're more alike that either of us realize, I think. We both care hard."
Thank you. I'm immeasurably glad you're getting well. My world is so much better with you in it, my friend. Marcus had just expressed more touchy-feely stuff than he ever had at one time, and he did not think he could manage one iota more just now. So he hoped that Lennier could read the hidden message in his words.
Lennier looked up at him, and Marcus could see that he understood.
"Yes," said Lennier softly, thoughtfully. "I suppose we do."
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes then, until Marcus bid his friend goodnight, citing Lennier's continued need for rest and his own weariness from his long journey. Lennier started to bow as he saw Marcus out the door, but then stopped himself, which made Marcus smile widely.
"Good night, Marcus," Lennier said instead, a detectable warmth in his voice. "Thank you for tonight, and…for everything."
"Good night, my friend."
And as he walked down the hall toward the transport tube that would take him to his quarters, Marcus could feel himself and peace heading toward a working relationship, step by tiny step.
