I'm Right Here by Rose Haze
Disclaimer I do not own The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
I had this ready to post five days ago but the website wouldn't let me.
Author's Note: People. Are there still people? Considering I haven't updated in half a year, I almost doubt it. So… where should I start? School is hard. Like anything under an 85 puts me on my school's warped version of "academic probation"
Then there is my serious lack of a computer. The only one I have internet access on appears to be from the early nineties and it takes almost eleven minutes just to get on the internet. The only thing I have the patience to do on it is check my e-mail. Pages take forever to load and about sixty percent of the time the pages cannot be displayed.
But… apparently we're getting a new one, so I will be updating more often. (I mean it this time.) So yeah. If anyone is still interested in this story (God I hope some people still are) it will be finished eventually. I am so so soooooo sorry for the lack of updates, but thanks for all of your patience. And double thanks to those of you who sent PMs and e-mails during my sabbatical. That made me feel good, but also bad because I knew it would be awhile before I could update.
And if there is anyone reading this, remember that I started this waaaaaay back in the middle of season one of the show, and only a few days have gone by in the course of the story.
Shutting up now : )
Chapter 28
The More I Hear
"You'll find better love, strong as it ever was, deep as a river runs, warm as the morning sun, Please remember me." -Tim McGraw
The lights were turned out when Zack woke up. His neck was bent at a strange angle and his arms were bound to his chest as if he were in some sort of a straitjacket. He blinked a few times and realized that he was in his mother's lap. She had her arms wrapped around his. His head was tucked into the crook of her neck and her lips were pressed to his forehead. His body was telling him to get up. He wasn't very tired and he felt very uncomfortable in the awkward position. But at the same time he felt safe. He felt protected and warm in his mother's embrace. And Cody was only a few feet away in his sanitized hospital bed. Zack could pretend that they were at home; that everything was normal. That Cody was asleep instead of on the brink of death. Zack shuddered--that final thought spit him out of his peaceful reverie. He was still at the hospital. Cody was still dying.
Quietly, he untangled himself from his mother's arms. He moved slowly so that he didn't wake her, and once he was free he went to stand beside the bed. Tears sprang to his eyes without a warning. He'd been crying so much these past few days that it was just happening. He looked at his brother.
Cody's cheeks were pink, as if Zack had just embarrassed him and made him blush. The tube was back down his throat, held in place by a piece of surgical tape. His thin lips were cracked and dry. The corners were colorless. The scrapes on his face were healing slowly, but were still very visible. The big white bandage was still nestled in his blonde hair. His eyes were closed--the lids were pale blue.
"Hey, Code, it's me," Zack whispered. He picked up Cody's hand and gave his lax fingers a squeeze, "I miss you so much, man."
He was answered with silence--a silence that was so loud it hurt his ears.
He dragged his chair over to Cody's bed and sat down, still holding on to his brother's hand.
"Me and Dad--I think we had a fight. Remember how sad I was after the divorce? How sad we both were? Well I think we were better off without him. Just you, me, and Mom. We did pretty well, didn't we?"
He squeezed Cody's hand and continued, "I mean--you and me, we fight a lot, but we get along too. You're my best friend, Cody. How many brothers can say that? Just you and me, buddy."
Zack brought Cody's hand to his cheek. It felt warm and soft against his face--not like the lifeless appendage that it was. Zack gave it a squeeze and kissed the back of his fingers.
"I love you, Cody."
A lonely tear slid down his cheek and he swiped it away, "Mom and Dad love you too," he said huskily, "You're smart, Cody. You're smart and you're funny and nice. You have so much to live for, buddy. You have so many people pulling for you. Just--please wake up."
Zack turned Cody's hand and pressed his forehead into his palm. The tips of Cody's fingers were limply buried in Zack's bangs. Zack held onto his brother, willing him to come out of the coma.
Zack closed his eyes and in his mind he saw his brother. His lips were stretched into his infectious smile and his big, inquisitive blue eyes were bright and shining with an undeniable liveliness.
"Cody," he whispered, "I need you to be okay. I need you."
He opened his eyes and looked at his incapacitated brother. His thin body was covered with a thin white blanket. He tried to ignore the massive tubes that garnished his body. They made Zack think of restraints. They were gluing Cody to the hospital bed--gluing him inside the coma.
He wanted to rip them away from Cody's body then shake him by the shoulders and yell his name until he finally woke up.
But he settled for holding onto Cody's hand. He reached forward with his free hand and stroked Cody's soft blonde hair.
"I need you," he repeated desperately, "I need you to wake up and be my brother again." His voice cracked and he forced himself to swallow his tears, "I need you. Please wake up," he whispered.
Gently he lay his head on Cody's shoulder. He kept one hand on Cody's forehead, and the other hand was still holding onto Cody's.
"Please wake up," he begged, "Please wake up, please wake up, please wake up…"
Cody's POV
After saying goodbye to Zack there's… nothing. No pain, no fear. Just a strange, calming, warmth that spreads through my body. I'm safe--so safe. Then I'm flooded with memories--only good ones. I remember little things, like getting a report card full of A's or going down a slide at the park, or getting my allowance. And there are bigger things--I remember going to the movies with my brother, Zack, on a rainy afternoon and seeing some stupid comedy, and I remember spending Saturdays at Trig Club meetings.
Suddenly I am filled with a sense of anticipation. It's like Christmas morning--right before it's time to open presents. Something wonderful is about to happen--something so wonderful and amazing that I have no words to describe it. It's a relief--like stepping into a warm room after being outside in the freezing snow. It's like going to the bathroom after holding it for a really long time. It's exciting and calming at the same time. Like the moment that fireworks explode into a mass of light and color after watching them blast off into the air. It's happiness and it's safety and it's so, so warm. It's perfect.
No! Nononononono NO! I'm suffocating. Air is being shoved down my throat and I'm choking on it! Oh my God, it hurts. My throat is burning. The air is like poison, stuffing my esophagus with a blistering agony.
Then everything goes. The memories, the anticipation, the warmth. It's all gone.
People are screaming. They're touching me. God, please make them leave. My heart feels like it's pierced by lightening. I think Mom and Zack are nearby. Yes, they are--they're here, but they're crying. I'm scared.
The pain stops abruptly, and soon I am alone with Mom and Zack. Something feels really wrong. We're waiting for something.
Mom and Zack stay with me. They watch over me.
I think a long time passes, but I'm not sure. Something weird is going on. I feel my family, but it seems like they are far away.
Then, later on, it is just me and Zack. He's telling me about something... medicine maybe? I wonder when Zack learned so much about medicine.
I feel like I've been trapped in this strange place for a very long time. I'm starting to forget what it was like before I came here. I remember the Tipton. I remember my mom. But Zack is the only memory that truly stands out. I'll never forget Zack. Not ever.
Zack kisses my forehead. It's so strange. I don't think that Zack has ever kissed me before I came here. He usually brushes away any attempt of physical affection. He's changed a lot. But he's still Zack.
I feel him rubbing my arm. He's promising to be a better brother.
You're a great brother, Zack, I want to say. We have our differences but we're still close. I love him and he loves me--not that we would ever admit that out loud.
Mom's here now. And Zack--he's angry. He's not mad at me though. He's mad at Mom. He's hurt and he's frustrated. I don't know why. Mom leaves, and then it's just me and my brother. And then it's just me.
When Zack comes back he's very upset. He kisses me again and speaks softly. He's trying not to cry. I feel him hold my hand.
He's so close--closer than he has been since I got here. For a second it feels like we were really with each other. Not just connected on these two separate planes. I want to look at him. I try so hard to see him, and I think he knows this.
"Cody?" he asks, "Cody, are you awake?"
I'm here, Zack! I'm right here! I feel his hands on my face.
But then I slowly start to fade away again. Zack starts to cry. Then he's gone.
I am alone for so long. Mom finds me and holds my hand. I'm happy she's with me. I hate being by myself. I wish Zack were here too.
He comes back after awhile and mom goes. I hate this! Why can't we all be together?
Zack picks up my hand and I feel him hold it against his face.
He whispers to me: "Cody, please don't leave me."
I don't want to, Zack! I'm so scared! I wish I knew what was happening.
Zack continues to talk, but I can't really understand what he's saying. I really wish I could talk to him like I did before I got here.
No! Zack! He's leaving again. Zack, don't go! Please come back!
Nothing feels right when Zack isn't here with me. I start to fade again when he isn't here. I am far away when Zack finally comes back.
He doesn't say anything for awhile, but that's okay. I know he's here.
When he starts to talk again he struggles not to cry. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to be embarrassed. I'm not going to make fun of him. But I can't say this, so I just listen.
"Dear Cody," he says, "Ever since we were little... ever since we were little people assumed that you were the weak one and I was the protective one. But they were wrong. Even though I was more outgoing and you were more sensitive, it was you who looked out for me."
I don't know about that. There were many times when I felt like Zack protected me. Maybe we both looked out for each other.
"Like the time I got lost at the zoo in Middlesex. We were on a field trip and everyone had partners. You asked me to be your partner before we got on the bus to the zoo, but I wanted to be partners with Brendan. But once we got to the zoo and I was looking at the tigers, Brendan went off without me and I got lost from the class. I was so scared, walking around in circles crying but then there you were with your partner Kelly. You would never leave me behind."
Of course I wouldn't, Zack. You're my brother. We're always there for each other.
It's as if he can sense my thoughts. The next thing he says is: "What I'm trying to say is that you have always been there for me."
Right. And you have always been there for me. It goes both ways.
"I remember when Dad left, you must have missed him as much as I did, but you always helped me feel better…This is so hard, Cody."
I want to tell him that it's okay.
"Whenever people ask me about myself, I never know what to say. I usually say things like 'I'm the athletic one' or 'I'm the loud one'. Whenever I describe myself, it's like I'm subconsciously comparing myself to you. I think that's what Mom means when she says that you're my other half. I never got that until now. But it means that everything that makes me me has something to do with you. I don't know who I am without you.
"I need you, Cody. I need you to wake up. Because without you I'm nothing. The idea of living without you scares me to death,"
Me too. I didn't realize that until now, but I need Zack. I need him more than anything or anyone right now.
"Before the accident we had a fight. Well, we had a lot of fights lately—some really bad ones. This one wasn't as bad as some of them, actually. But I said something really stupid about the only good thing about you was that you could do my homework. I don't remember the exact words. But if I had known... If I had known you it might have been the last time I ever talked to you I never would have said that. I would have thanked you for being there for me for both our whole lives. I would have told you that I love you. I would have told you the truth about so many things. Like how sometimes I get jealous of you for being so smart and that I hate myself for making fun of you because I know I only do it because I'm insecure.
"You know me better than anyone else—even myself. That's because I trust you. I know that I can tell you anything, and you can do the same to me. When I'm older and I look back on my life, my best memories aren't going to be of dates or dances or basketball games or anything like that. They'll be the all times we stayed up really late and then fell asleep talking to each other. Those were the times I was truly myself. There's things that only you know about me, like the writing thing.
I remember those times. One of us would usually end up in the other's bed and we'd just talk. About anything and everything. Sometimes we'd talk about serious things, like our issues with Dad and the things that scare us. But not everything that we discussed during those late nights were deep and meaningful. Sometimes we'd just tell stupid jokes that weren't funny, but still made us laugh until we had tears running down our cheeks. We'd talk about TV shows and the people at our school and a lot of random stuff, like those enormous blue whales. Things that seemed really interesting at the time, but seemed random and pointless the next morning.
"I really miss you."
God, Zack, I miss you too. You have no idea how much I wish that I could talk to you right now. I'm so scared and confused, but I know that you would make everything right. You always do.
"I've been here, sitting with you for the past three days, but you aren't really here so I miss you. You have so much to live for. You're the smartest kid in our class. You always see the good things about people, especially me. You have forgiven me for so many things, given me so many second chances, and I don't always deserve it.
"Please don't die. Give me a chance to be the brother you deserve. Love, Zack."
Whoa... Zack's never that open with his feelings. He holds my hand and tells me that I'm the best brother in the world. I wish than anything that I could say "You too."I'm fading away again. I can feel myself drifting. This time, Zack stays where he is, and I'm the one who goes. It's like falling asleep...
When I wake up it's different. I'm not in the strange, dark abyss. I'm in a bed. Somebody's holding my hand. I hear people talking. Mom and Zack. I try to speak, but all I do is moan.
I try to open my eyes but my lids feel like they are glued closed.
I manage to open them into slits, but the brightness is harsh and prickly, so I close them just as Mom's face flashes in front of me.
"What's happening?" I ask weakly.
Somebody's hand is on my forehead. I think it is Zack's. He moves it to my cheek then tells me to wake up.
But I'm already falling back to sleep. I want to stay awake and see my mom and my brother, but I can't.
"Not now," I say, "I'm trying..." but I can't... sleep is too heavy...
It covers me like a blanket, and then everything is gone.
I'm back. Zack's here. He's crying. I don't have the energy to even think about it. It's different now. I think something's ending.
Zack isn't crying anymore. "Cody's gone."
I'm not gone, Zack, I'm right here...right...here... Maybe I am gone... Zack leaves. He's gone. Where did he go? I hate being by myself.
When Zack comes back he's crying. Not like he was before--he's so upset that I can feel it. I haven't been able to feel anything for awhile, but I can feel the sadness radiating off of Zack. I think he's crying on my shoulder the way he used to when we were really little. But...I'm not sure. I wish he would stop crying because I can feel myself going away again and I really don't want to leave him like this. I want him to be okay. But I'm gone before I can even try to help him.
…
When I come back it feels like I've been gone for days or even weeks. Little things are missing. Zack is still here. I don't think he ever left. Mom's here too, but she's far away.
I guess that Zack senses that I've returned because he says hi to me and he picks up my hand. He's close to me… somehow.
"I miss you so much, man."
I miss you too, Zack.
It's quiet. Too quiet.
Zack says something about Dad. He tells me that I'm his best friend. I wish that I could say he's mine too. But I'm so tired.
He kisses my hand, "I love you, Cody."
Love you too.
He keeps telling me that he needs me. He sounds so sad.
I feel a warmth land on my shoulder and spread throughout my body.
"Please wake up," Zack says.
I'm too sleepy, Zack.
His voice is tired and weary, but he repeats that phrase like a soothing mantra, please wake up, please wake up, please wake up, over and over again.
Five more minutes, Zack.
I feel myself fading yet again. Just five more minutes…
----
Zack had fallen asleep whispering to his brother. The words "please wake up" froze on his lips like an unfinished prayer.
It was still dark when he woke up, so he knew he hadn't slept for long.
"Cody," he whispered, running his fingers through his brother's golden locks, "Why won't you wake up, buddy?" His face crumpled and the tears returned, "Why can't you just wake up?"
From the chair behind Zack, Carey began to stir. She opened her eyes and stretched her arms and legs. She scooted her chair up to Cody's bed and rested her hand on Zack's arm.
"You should be sleeping," she said tiredly. Zack said nothing.
Carey rubbed his back and the two of them watched Cody.
"Zack," she said after a moment of silence, "We…we have to discuss the thing with the life support again."
"Shut up," Zack's words were harsh, but his voice was desperate and broken. It was pleading: begging his mom to either change the subject or to stop talking all together.
"Zack."
"No," he whispered, "You can't take him off life support. I won't let you."
"Zack, I just want to do what's best for him."
"Well what about what's best for me?" he snapped. Then, in a softer, heartbreaking tone he continued, "I need my brother."
Carey raised an eyebrow and looked at him, "Don't you think that's a little selfish?"
He shrugged and looked at Cody's ruined face, "I'm the selfish one," he said simply, "Cody's the giving one. There can't be a selfish one without a giving one," his voice cracked, "There can't be Zack without Cody."
To Be Continued…
A/N Please review! (If only so that I know whether or not I still have readers lol)
Up next: Chapter Twenty-Nine: In My Dreams
