Chapter Thirteen: As You Weren't

The next evening Spike was shuffled down to the living room to take up residence on the couch. Willow dug up the dry erase boards she and Buffy had bought during the Gentlemen's silence so he could communicate with them. His head didn't seem like it was in danger of falling off, but it was sliding around a little so he had been keeping still so it didn't heal in a wonky position. He was uneasy staying so close to the curtains, but was more uneasy with the idea of going out in such a vulnerable state for his underworld enemies to take advantage of. He really had to stop getting beaten up.

Buffy waited awkwardly for Spike to finish the mug of blood she had brought him. She hadn't talked about her feelings with him since saying "I know now", and was wondering if he was going to press her about her ambiguity.

"You know, vampire anatomy makes no sense," she said to fill the silence. "You don't breathe, so you can't do CPR, but you can talk without air in your lungs. And smoke. How does that work? If you get cut you bleed, but your heart isn't pumping the blood around. It what, goes in your stomach and then gets sent around from there? Oh, and for some reason your non-working heart is a bomb that bursts you into ashes if it gets poked by a pointy piece of wood. No logic to any of it whatsoever."

Spike paused his drinking to scribble out a message. ["It's demon magic"]

"Oh sure. If something doesn't make sense, just blame it on demon magic and stop worrying about it." Buffy said with a scoff.

He voicelessly sighed and wrote a longer note. ["Supposed t'be unnatural, upset you"]

"So studying vampires is meant to be a frustrating exercise in illogic?"

["s'why the Watchers're such uptight wankers"]

Buffy couldn't help but laugh. She was still missing Giles, but she was starting to see why he had wanted to give her space to handle things on her own. She wasn't getting everything right of course, but she was feeling more like an adult day by day. She liked to think he'd be proud of her. Spike emptied the last of the mug. Giles certainly would have been in no place to judge her for hosting a wounded vampire; Spike had been his houseguest after all. The sex and feelings, however…

Buffy shifted uncomfortably as she took the empty mug from Spike. He looked up at her, and she reached over to feel his bandages.

"No spillage, good sign. Seems to be on more or less straight. How's the pain?"

He gave her a sultry smirk, holding her hand while reaching over to pull her head closer to his. Buffy considered pulling back, but was eager to feel his cool mouth and remind herself that he was on the mend. The kisses and caresses were quick and hungry, and Buffy was panting when she finally parted from him. She stood and licked her lips as she slowly backed away.

"Stay…"

Safe, Buffy thought as she made her way to the front door, still watching Spike grin at her. He didn't seem concerned by her ambiguity. Or maybe she hadn't that been that ambiguous after all.

"…there."

Anya opened the apartment door to let in Willow.

"Good, you're here on time. Let's get this over with quickly. Xander's going to call once he and Tito are done kicking me out of my own store and I can finally get back to work."

Xander and Tito were doing some plumbing maintenance on the Magic Box to prevent it from needing the overhaul the Summers house had. Willow had told Anya she wanted to speak with her one on one so now was the perfect time.

"I won't keep you long, I just, I feel like I owe you an apology." Willow said as Anya closed the door behind her.

"Many apologies. If we're counting everything you've never apologized for. I can write out the list if you're at the amends step." Anya offered sincerely.

"Spellcasters Anonymous doesn't use the step program. The whole surrendering to a 'higher power' thing is actually what a lot of us are trying to avoid." Willow said tensely. This wasn't a great start.

"Then why now?" Anya asked.

"Because you were right." Anya's eyebrows raised in surprise at Willow's admission. "If I hadn't gotten addicted I could still be using my magic to help out. I could have gotten us out of the house sooner, or disabled the warrior demon. Maybe stopped Xander and Spike from getting hurt. Stopped you from having a fight with Tara. I wouldn't want to cause any tension between you guys, not over my stuff."

Her fight with Tara during the imprisonment had been strange to Anya. Any time Anya and Willow had argued in the past Tara hadn't immediately taken Willow's side, mostly staying out of it or trying to find a compromise if anything. They'd made up quickly once the threat was over though.

"Oh we're fine. She's more concerned with making sure things are okay between me and Dawn."

"Of-of course, that too." Willow said with a squirm. "Buffy's been taking her around…"

"…'to all the stores she shoplifted from to return the stolen things and pay them back for what they can't.'" Anya completed for her. "I know. She told me when they came by the Magic Box. Dawn offered to work off the punitive damages, and it was Tara's idea that I should wait for Dawn's Spring Break before putting her to work."

"You guys must talk a lot." Willow was glad things were going well between them, but couldn't help but feel jealous.

"Tara talks with all her friends a lot. She has a life when you're not around you know."

"I know that." Willow snapped before shaking her head. "Sorry. I apologized to her too, and, I guess you've already heard that from her. I know you asked us to be in your wedding party before I… screwed everything up between us. So if things are too awkward or stressful you don't have to have me up there with you and Xander. I wouldn't want you to go through your wedding with a best man you hated."

Anya sighed.

"I don't hate you. I think you're wildly irresponsible, you don't have nearly enough sense to comprehend the forces you tamper with, and everyone in our circle besides me goes way too easy on you when you cause trouble."

Willow winced but took her point. It was why she had come to make amends after all. She was still getting sick of hearing about it. She'd been working hard to be sensible and responsible for months, plural now.

"But, I wouldn't want to keep Xander's best friend away from him on such an important day." Anya continued. "And even if we fight a lot, I'd like to think that by now you and I are, friends. So I want you to be there too."

"Thanks, that means a lot coming from you." Willow also wanted to consider them friends after everything they'd been through, and with Anya going to be a sister-in-law of sorts to her soon. She'd been hoping she'd also get an apology from Anya for yelling at her after owning up to her own role in things, but this was as close as she figured she'd get. It was just Anya's way, grating as it could be. "And you know what? I'll help with the decorations, no conjuring necessary."

"I guess you can, but that doesn't reduce the cost of the decorations themselves. Maybe…" The phone rang, interrupting Anya's train of thought. "Oh! Xander, finally." She answered it eagerly. "Hello? You're not Xander. Right, I remember, one of the roommates. Yes, the Imbolc sale is still going on. The store had to close for some plumbing maintenance but we'll be open late this evening if you have any purchases you have to make before the Sabbat. Uh-huh. Don't forget to bring your money with you. You and the money get to the store safely tonight all right? Good bye."

"Whose roommate was that?" Willow asked. 'One of the roommates' seemed an odd way to address someone who must be a regular at the shop.

"Tara's." Anya explained. "The one with the long brown hair that adopted your cat, lives with their other roommate and her cat now and used to want to insert herself into your relationship with Tara?"

"Caitlin? She's living with Tara now? And someone else?" Willow said, voice getting higher with every sentence.

Caitlin's attempts to 'insert' herself into Tara and Willow's relationship two years ago had been weird, primarily because Caitlin seemed equally attracted to both of them. Tara had assured Willow she didn't have any interest in Caitlin and the three of them had managed to stay friends in the end. But she and Tara weren't together anymore…

"Another witch at your college, Vaughne. Also two cats." Anya reminded her.

"Right. Vaughne, she transferred from UC Santa Barbara to hang out with more Wiccans." Willow said remembering. Another potential threat, she thought.

I thought Vaughne was straight, but I mostly thought that I was too before I spent time in private with Tara. And Caitlin always was excited by the idea of being one of three. And cats? As in more than one? Getting all pair-bonded to each other?

"I should go." Willow said looking around anxiously. "Xander's gonna be calling soon and you'll need to be opening the shop. For Caitlin, who's still doing magic." And living with Tara.

"Tara's not having sex with either of them if you were wondering." Anya said, trying to be helpful.

Willow had to stop herself from balling her hands into fists.

"Not my business if she was. Has her own life when I'm not around, right?"

"Email me about the decorating," Anya called after her as she left the apartment. "I have a lot to coordinate with the florist."

The phone rang again, and it was finally who she was waiting for.

Xander heard the ring of the Magic Box's entry bell and turned toward the front door as Anya came in.

"Before you turn the sign to 'Open', I have a few surprises for you." He told her.

"I'd love to receive some surprises honey but I've really got to get to work if the shop's going to meet my projections for this month." She said walking over to the counter briskly.

"It'll only take a couple minutes." Xander led her to a newly installed compartment by the fire extinguisher. He opened the door, revealing a metal contraption connected to a pipe. "While Tito was fixing the pipes I had him make some modifications to the sprinkler system. If you put a bottle of holy water here, and then pull this… anti-vampire rain. And also…" Xander went under the counter and pulled out three small cases. "Premium first aid kits from the army surplus store. Next time I get sliced with a sword I can get stitched up right away. I got extras for the apartment, and Buffy's place."

"That's wonderful!" Anya went over to the bookshelf and brought back a textbook. "I've been thinking about how to protect our fragile bodies too, so I bought this used off a nursing student. Once I've mastered physical therapy I can fix you if you get broken."

It was an imperfect solution of course. If Anya had her old body she could have killed the demon herself before it even thought of cutting Xander. Just one of many reasons she missed having her powers. She had come to appreciate things about having a human body beyond orgasms though. There was the feeling of satiety after eating when she'd gotten hungry, the refreshment of sleeping after being tired. And even though it was a reminder of her own inevitable death that often filled her with terror, it was morbidly fascinating observing the subtle ways her flesh changed as she aged. If she was going to be stuck in this form for a single lifespan, she'd make the most of it.

"That's my smart girl." Xander said with a smile at the book. "Much more efficient than getting a whole nursing degree."

Anya set the book down and wrapped her arms around him for a kiss.

"You're going to make a great father someday." She said into his chest with her head tucked beneath his chin.

Xander could feel another surge of panic. This wasn't the first time Anya had mentioned having kids with him, but something about her words just now spooked him. It wasn't the thought of kids; he'd thought that over enough to know he did want them once they were wealthy and wise enough to do it properly. So what was so scary about those words?

February was going by with fortunately little monster activity, but no more leads on locating the Trio.

Spike quickly got bored watching soap operas he already knew the twists to and had taken up his poetry again, at least when the humans were out. When they were around things could get quite chaotic. Dawn and Willow had adjusted pretty well to him being a fixture in their living room. He even wrote notes on Dawn's English homework at her request, just for something to do.

Buffy was actually finding herself enjoying Spike's company in a casual way. They weren't alone together often enough for them to jump each other, but things were going well enough that she wasn't feeling the need to distract herself as much anymore. She and Dawn were being more open and honest with each other, aside from her relationship with Spike at least, slaying wasn't taxing her too much, and no one was having any new crises worse than picking out bridesmaid dresses.

By the fourteenth Spike had recovered enough to speak and safely walk around on his own with no head flopping.

"Looking forward to spending the night in your own cozy tomb?" Buffy asked as Spike pulled on his jacket.

"Gonna be a lot quieter than I've gotten used to." He said with a glance around the empty house. Spike's voice was raspier than it had been, but it was gradually returning to normal.

"Lucky for you that can make your own noise again then."

"Missed the dulcet tones of my voice?" Buffy rolled her eyes at him. He ignored that and came closer. "I prefer the sounds you fill my place with. Come with me, we won't have to rush anymore."

"Willow and Dawn are going to be here in an hour for an anti-Valentine's Day snack and vidfest. Remember?" Buffy reminded him. "After." She added quietly.

"Well if we've got an hour…" He pulled Buffy towards the couch.

"Spike…" She said in a warning tone, but followed.

"Let's check and see how firmly my head's attached."

Buffy noted what part of her Spike was looking at, and realized what he was proposing. After doing some quick logistics in her head she decided they had time. She didn't need to numb herself, but she didn't need to deny herself either.

"Can't have it popping off." She agreed.

One thing Spike's recovery had given him time to contemplate was the nature of vengeance demon wishes. He'd had his concerns about the consequences of his wish before of course, but the neck slicing was the second new near death experience he'd gone through since being sent back. He passed a customer exiting the Magic Box as he went in to go see Anya for some answers.

"Evening." Spike greeted her. "Came by to talk shop with you, if you have a minute."

"I always have a minute for that." Be that as it may, Anya was still glad Spike had shown up close to closing instead of interrupting her during the afternoon rush. "The store is still very profitable, but not as much as it was. I thought since I don't have the expense of other employees anymore profits would be up, but they're actually down. It's almost like Tara and Willow's labor was contributing more value than what I was paying them. That's crazy talk of course."

"Shop talk about your old job." Spike clarified. "How wishes work, that sort of thing."

"The process is pretty straight forward to understand. Someone makes a wish, we grant it."

"Right, but there must be rules, restrictions. Like the wish spell only being broken by the demon who made it."

Anya was surprised Spike was so interested in the mechanics of wishcraft, but figured it must be because of what happened while they were stuck in Buffy's house.

"If you really want to know." Spike nodded and she continued. "A wish is made of three parts; the supplicant, the subject, and the spell. The three S's you could call them. The supplicant makes the wish, they direct it at the subject of their vengeance, and their wish is crafted into a spell by the demon."

"What exactly did you get out of these wishes, besides the fun of torturing the subjects?"

"Pride in our work, enacting justice, bonuses if we do an especially creative spell."

"What about your boss, what does he get out of it?"

"D'Hoffryn has to manage the whole thing, keep Arashmaharr running. The pain the subject feels from the effects of the spell powers the mystic energy of the dimension, which in turn gives power to future spells."

Of course it made sense that pain was the key. But Spike's wish hadn't led to any suffering even comparable to what there had been before it, let alone increased it, and that was what made him uneasy. D'Hoffryn must have been expecting more return on investment for reordering time than what he had gotten.

"So every wish has to have some ironic twist to it, really turn the knife?" He asked.

"Ironic twists are more of a djinn thing, they only grant wishes when they're compelled to and they hate it. Vengeance wishes hurt because they're about vengeance, obviously. And of course monkey's paws are a whole other kind of psychological torture."

"What I mean is, there's no way for a, supplicant, to wish for something good for the subject?" Spike wasn't even sure who counted as the subject in his situation. He'd mentioned Dawn's name, but had been thinking of Buffy. Was it Doc, since that was who had ended up having vengeance enacted on him? Hopefully that was the case.

"That would only happen if there was a major screw up on the vengeance demon's end. She wouldn't even come to someone unless they had a desire for vengeance to be done beyond what they were capable of themselves." Anya had of course granted wishes to women who could have taken things into their own hands, but strove to add enough flair to make it worth their time.

"You really think it was vengeance Dawn was after?" Spike would have called loneliness the overriding emotion of her wish.

"Halfrek said she was in pain, that's what calls us. And Dawn wanted something to be done to those who caused that pain, so close enough." Anya certainly didn't think she, Xander, or most of their friends had deserved to be punished, but she had to admit Halfrek had gotten an impressive result for a rather simple spell. "Some people need prodding to make a wish, but you wouldn't waste your time with someone who only wanted puppies and rainbows."

"Right." Spike said, still not clear on the subject of his subject. "A vengeance demon wouldn't just be hanging around someone when they said the wishing words."

A new customer entered, and Spike took his leave. From what he had learned it seemed like the wish had already done what it was going to, and it was just a happy coincidence it hadn't made things worse for anyone that mattered. He still didn't know what had given Buffy visions, but they were long taken care of. The decapitation was probably just a bit of bad luck, and it had been his choice to take on the Lord of the Dance by himself. So everything should be fine as long as he wasn't found out, and Anya stayed human.

It wasn't often Buffy came to Spike's crypt to find him not at home. Not seeing him she called out his name and got no response. She headed downstairs, just in case he'd gone silent again.

Tucked behind an urn were a pile of ashes. Buffy could just see the corners of some papers sticking out of them.

Spike was happily surprised to see Buffy in his room. "Eager this…" Then he saw the papers.

Shit.

He apparently hadn't been as thorough burning his poetry as he had his notes on the original timeline.

"I um, they were…" Buffy said anxiously, looking down at the one she was currently reading. "So you write poetry." She held it up as Spike swiftly marched over to her. "Is this one a song?"

Spike recognized the piece and ripped it from her hands.

"It's old, and stupid," he said hurriedly as he crumpled the paper, "…and let's not worry about it anymore."

"It wasn't bad…" That just made Spike look more upset. "You know, the, small part I read before you…" He was rummaging through his pockets for his lighter. "A lot of girls actually, like a guy who's poetic."

He paused, thumb at the ready to burn the last evidence of "Rest in Peace". He couldn't stand the thought of Buffy mocking him, even for something he hadn't consciously chosen the words to. She wasn't laughing at him though. Slowly Spike put back his lighter and took a seat on the edge of his bed.

"You ever heard of Elizabeth Barrett Browning?"

Spike watched the entrance to the Bronze for Buffy's arrival. Tonight she was doing a quick patrol before unwinding with her friends. In the months since her party she'd been less nervous about being seen with him, but they still slipped away when they needed privacy. The club was a fine place for that. Nearby Dawn and Willow were enjoying non-alcoholic beverages and laughing at Xander and Anya's stress over the impending wedding.

"You're awfully chipper tonight." Dawn told Willow.

"Can't hide it."

Willow was glad her relationship with Dawn was back to its pre-wreck closeness. The more open environment in their house in general was mostly to thank, but being able to commiserate about Anya's overbearing attitude when Dawn had started her punitive part time job had definitely contributed.

"Mm! Big wedding coming up, lots of date possibilities. You and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her, invite her over?"

Dawn had seen the two of them getting more comfortable chatting during the brief periods they were in the same place at the same time. She'd tried similarly nudging Tara to approach Willow, if a bit more subtly. Tara had said in not so many words that them getting back together was up to Willow at this point.

"Uh, no." Willow said quickly. "Too soon for so bold a maneuver. But if I did call, she wouldn't hang up on me."

"That's progress." Dawn was heartened. The 'too soon' at least meant it could happen at some point.

"Hence the happy."

Dawn saw some kids from her school starting a game of pool and went to join them. As she left Spike slunk over to Willow.

"'Oh no, I couldn't possibly call her.'" He said in a mimicry of Willow's voice. "'She might get the idea I was still interested in her and flee the country. We can't have that.'"

"Ha ha."

Willow sipped up more of her Arnold Palmer as Spike continued teasing her. They'd gotten more used to each other since being temporary housemates. She knew now when he was insulting to hurt and when he was insulting to be playful, and only slightly hurt.

"'I chop off monster's heads and I'm too much of a shaking little leaf to talk to a girl.'"

"There have been words exchanged with her, we've talked." Willow said defensively. "I'm making progress. Reasonable progress."

She and Tara weren't avoiding each on campus anymore, though it still felt more awkward than when they would walk between classes as a twosome or as a trio with Buffy. Willow was pretty sure by now that Tara wasn't seeing either of her new roommates romantically, but she couldn't be certain she wasn't involved with someone else. Partly Willow was putting off approaching her so she wouldn't have to find out.

"So reasonable it's been three months since you made your peace with her and it's still too soon to invite her for a drink and a dance?" Spike asked.

"It was a rough breakup. These things take time."

"Take enough time you'll both crumble of old age before anything happens. You're not immortal." Spike saw Buffy enter and took a swig of his own drink as he headed for the balcony.

Willow wasn't going to wait that long to reach out to her ex-girlfriend, but she had to admit she was sad about the time they had lost together. They'd missed their chance to go the little bed and breakfast up north where a magical flower bloomed during the last snow of winter, something Willow had been looking forward to since they'd slept in and missed seeing it last year. Granted now the flower wasn't something she wanted to pursue, but she did want to be part of a pair again, to plan for the future with someone. She just didn't know how to know when she'd be ready to attempt a recoupling.

Another day of college passed without Willow making any moves to get closer with Tara. They actually had fairly disparate schedules this quarter; Buffy had coordinated with everyone so that they could share their new (cheap, used) car and Dawn always had someone get her to and from school, work, and her movie and shake days with Tara. At the same time Buffy was trying to show more trust in Dawn, checking in with her about her day rather than monitoring where she was every minute. Dawn had been putting in the effort to make up for her stealing spree, so Buffy was trying to treat her more like a maturing teen than a child.

Willow and Buffy were taking a moment to relax on the quad before their respective last classes for the evening, enjoying the late sunset and a last hit of caffeine.

"I can't believe it's already spring quarter of our third year of college." Willow said in amazement. It felt like only yesterday she'd moved into the dorms for the first time. "This year, it's been so fast. It's like time is flying, and crawling at the same time."

"It's mostly a crawl when I'm in class." Buffy was grateful things had been stable long enough for her to feel boredom again.

"Psychology psyching you out yet?" Willow asked.

"It's pretty intense, but at least none of the teachers are as demanding as Professor Walsh."

"Does that ever make it awkward? Thinking about her and… Riley."

Buffy was too busy watching the sky turn to twilight to notice Willow looking at someone.

"You know it actually doesn't make me think about him that much, maybe because there aren't TAs in…"

"No, I mean. Riley."

She finally followed Willow's gaze to see a man in black special ops gear standing by their table.

"Hey." He greeted them.

"Huh?" Her brain needed a moment to reset. She finally comprehended that he was really in front of her, speaking to her. "Riley."

Willow watched intently and silently to see what happened between them. Part of her wanted to jump up and hug one of the first friends she'd made at UCSD, but until she knew what this meant for him and Buffy she was just an observer.

"Sorry to just drop in on you guys like this."

Riley glanced around at the student body and faculty members on the quad. He'd received some curious glances for arriving in full tactical garb, and some looks of surprise from those who recognized him, but no one had openly questioned him or even greeted him. It felt a little lonely. Of course he didn't have time to get nostalgic over this place. Buffy seemed stunned to see him, and he couldn't blame her.

"It's you," she said, still wide eyed.

"It's me." He agreed.

"You're here."

"I know."

"And… were you always this tall?"

She tried to remember if this feeling of being towered over had always been a part of being next to him. She recalled that it was; it had been one of the most thrilling things about him. His new scar was also enhancing his look, but who didn't have a new scar these days?

"Look, this isn't the way I wanted it, but something's come up, something big, and we don't have much time." Riley said glancing between the girls. "You understand?"

"Not a word you've said so far." Buffy said nodding.

He looked at their empty coffee cups and sticky-note laden textbooks.

"Right. If you're busy..."

"Nothing that can't wait." Willow finally chimed in before Buffy could turn him down. She gave her a pointed look before turning back to Riley. "What's the something big?"

"I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad. Now it's come to Sunnydale."

"Right. What all big bads do." Buffy deflated a little. So it was business that had brought him here. Of course. Her heart had rushed ahead to hope for something else the moment she'd seen him and her head should have shut that down. She was supposed to have given up on that by now. To be over him.

"I know that I'm putting you on the spot showing up like this but, but you know, here we are. I need the best. I need you Buffy. And I could use your help too Willow. Can you guys help me?"

The girls exchanged another look and stood up.

"We are a dynamic demon destroying duo." Willow made a quick decision between staying to support her best friend and leaving to prevent third wheelage. "But um, I really can't miss my class. You two go be a duo, and I'll catch up with you after, if you still need the backup." She gave Buffy an encouraging shoulder pat.

"Hey, maybe you can ask Tara to come along." Riley said to Willow as she gathered up her things. "More magic on hand with you two in tandem."

She set her jaw, forcing her face to stay still. "She's… busy." She left without looking back at them.

Riley knew Willow well enough to recognize the oddness of her reaction. He walked off in the opposite direction from the one she had with Buffy following.

"I just said the exact wrong thing, didn't I?" He asked her.

Two wrong things, Buffy thought.

"She and Tara are…"

"Split up"? "On a break"? "Under trial separation pending divorce or reconciliation"?

"Complicated," she settled on. "It'd take a while to explain."

"Need to know basis I'm guessing." Riley thankfully changed the subject. "Our target's likely somewhere in the downtown area."

Buffy calmed now that they had a clear task to focus on. Even if this wasn't a social visit, chasing down a monster together would feel like old times.

"Lead on."

It didn't take long for them to find the Suvolte demon Riley was hunting. Watching Riley tell people it was a bear was even cuter than him seeing him pull out his fancy gadgets. The demon pummeling both of them to the ground once they got in reach of it was less cute. The thing was certainly on par with an angry mama bear in terms of strength. They weren't able to subdue it, but Riley managed to get a tracker on it before it ran off. Riley took them to his SUV to pursue it.

"Nice wheels." Buffy said, appreciating the surprisingly neat upholstery. Her used Hyundai wasn't uncomfortable per se, but months after buying it she was still finding ancient crumbs in nooks and crannies that the dealership hadn't cleaned out.

"Came with the car." Riley said with a smirk.

"My last car turned into invisible pudding."

"What?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Another long story. So, know where we're goin'?"

"Got an idea. The tag's online. We'll find it."

His confidence was reassuring, but she was still concerned about the beating he'd taken earlier.

"How's your arm?"

"It'll heal. How you doing?" He asked.

"Complicated question." And one she wasn't going to give all the answers to. "Better, after it got... A lot's happened since…"

"I hear ya. I got some, uh, big stories to tell you too, if we ever get half a second."

He'd have to tell Buffy about Sam at some point, but he wasn't sure how to start.

Riley ended up being spared deciding on a way to tell Buffy. By the time they re-engaged with the Suvolte at the bottom of a dam and subdued it, Sam had caught up with them.

"Hey. Hey there," she said, seeing him and Buffy checking each other's wounds. "What exactly are you doing with my husband?"

Buffy looked at Riley in shock, and he turned away, sheepish.

"'Husband?'" Riley wasn't answering her, and the tall brunette woman who had arrived in the same equipment as him just looked between Buffy and her… husband, seeming to wait for him to break out of his speechlessness. "Wife." Buffy said to her, and she nodded. "And those aren't code names like Big Dog, or Falcon, or…" Both of the women looked at Riley, whose continued silence acted as confirmation. "I didn't think so."

"Buffy meet Sam." Riley introduced them, finding his voice. "Sam, Buffy."

"Pleasure." Sam said.

"Demon." Buffy said seeing their snarling quarry pull itself back up.

She was in a bit of a haze watching Sam fight the thing as Riley explained and apologized for not mentioning his wife sooner. He'd already been married for four months. That seemed impossibly quick, but then Buffy remembered he'd been gone for over seventeen months. She had to admit Sam and Riley were an impressive team. Pushing aside any hurt and jealousy for the moment she joined them in the fray, grabbing the Suvolte around the neck.

"Call this your wedding gift." She snapped its neck, and exhaled as she let its corpse drop to the ground. "So, guess that's 'mission accomplished.'"

Riley kneeled over the Suvolte's body to inspect it. "She killed it."

"Oh honey." Sam said sweetly as she wiped the sweat off her forehead. "That's okay."

"'Okay'?" This wasn't the reaction Buffy had been hoping for. "Wait. You guys have been tracking this thing as a couple for two days straight and you did want it dead, right?" What had she screwed up now?

The married soldiers got up and exchanged a look. Yup, she had definitely screwed up. Sam was unexpectedly gracious though. She laid the blame squarely on Riley for not telling the Slayer their objective before making contact with the enemy. Buffy kind of hated how likable this woman was.

"We better regroup." Sam said. "Buffy, I'd hate to impose further but… you got a safe house?"

"I-I have a house. I think it's safe. Sometimes you can't even leave." She gave an awkward grin.

"Um…" Sam looked to Riley again.

"I know the way." He told her. "And I'll fill you in, on everything."

Riley made calls to let the rest of Buffy's gang know they were meeting up at her place. Buffy figured Xander would be happy for an excuse to escape the house guests staying with him and Anya for the wedding.

"So how are Dawn and your mother doing?" Riley asked as they entered the suburbs.

Buffy winced. She supposed that made them even on not having shared major life events with each other until cornered.

"Mom died."

It felt strange that Riley didn't know that already. He'd been with her family at so many of her mom's appointments, and Buffy had leaned on him heavily to stay steady through them. Riley hadn't seen it that way of course. He'd thought she was shutting him out because she'd wanted to keep herself together instead of crying to him.

"I'm so sorry." Sam said. Buffy was impressed at how kind this powerful woman sounded, without a hint of insincerity or condescension.

"It was hard but we're managing. Dawn is… she's doing better than she was. Maybe don't give her condolences when you see her, it might just…"

"Make things more painful?" Riley completed for her.

"Yeah." She agreed.

Dawn was the first to meet them once they got to the house.

"Hey." Riley greeted her.

"Agent Finn returns," she said coldly.

"Dawn. Geez, look at you. I think you grew a foot and a half."

"A lot can happen in a year." And he'd chosen not be here for any of it.

Xander and Willow were much happier to see him, and congratulated him and Sam on their marriage. Willow hung back with Buffy in the foyer as the couple went to the living room with Xander.

"Just so you know, I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want." Willow said in a half whisper.

"Thanks, but no. I don't want to seem all petty." Buffy declined.

"Well that's the beauty. You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for both of us." Willow could use an excuse to be a little nasty after being on her best behavior for so long.

Buffy watched Riley and Sam chuckle as they held each other's arms, disgustingly smitten with one another.

"Go nuts."

The soldiers caught the others up on the Suvolte situation as Buffy went to get some snacks. Sam even managed to give Xander some wedding planning tips and win over a cranky Dawn as they talked. Buffy was still upset with herself for messing up the homing operation, but there was nothing to do now but track down the Suvolte eggs without a mother to follow.

"So, demon eggs… any timetable on when we think they're gonna hatch?" She asked.

"Depending on when they were laid we could be looking at a shorter than twelve hour timetable." Riley said.

"If we're not the first to find them they might be sold on the black market." Sam added. "There are some foreign military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte. You could never train it, but drop it on an urban population…"

"And it cleanses the area." Riley finished.

Buffy suspected that the US military would also want the eggs, but after everything Riley had gone through with the Initiative she trusted he wouldn't be putting them in even his own government's hands. And if she was there to smash them, she wouldn't have to worry about them being used by anyone.

"Is that a nice way of saying it kills people?" Dawn asked.

"Lots of 'em." Sam confirmed. "Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell?"

"I can't do the magics." Willow bristled.

"Riley says you're comin' on as one major league Wicca." Sam said. In other circumstances Willow would have been able to take it like the compliment it was meant as.

"I got addicted, the way addicts do." Willow left to be alone in the kitchen.

"Two teams. No civilians." Riley said before the tension from Sam's unwitting triggering of Willow could linger. "We'll need to cover as much ground as we can to find that nest. You two can take the west side."

"Me and Sam together?" Buffy said, heart thumping with anxiety.

"You come across a Suvolte nest, you're gonna want backup." Riley also would be spared some awkwardness if the ladies went together rather than him being left alone to talk with one of them about the other.

"You know, I don't wanna be draggin' down the Slayer. You've got speed and power I can't even…"

"Let's go." Buffy interrupted Sam. The sooner she finished this mission, the sooner she could stop feeling ashamed of having her ego boosted by this seemingly perfect person.

Meanwhile Willow was sitting at the kitchen island, staring forward with a stone-faced expression.

"Hey Willow." She eventually heard Sam come in and say to her. She didn't respond. "I'm sorry. I think I really… stepped in it in there. We had a couple of shamans working with us in the field. They got really deep into powerful spells trying to keep up with the dangers and pressures of the job." Willow turned to look at her, not sure where Sam was going with this. "They're gone. As in there's nothing left. I've never met anyone with enough strength to quit before." She said with her hand over her heart. Willow's chest heaved. "I'm just saying."

Sam returned to the others, and Willow smiled, touched.

Of course Willow knew a whole support group of people who had the 'strength' to quit. Over time they'd taught her addiction wasn't just a matter of being strong or weak. She'd been trying to break herself out of that mindset. She was also mad at herself for the dismissive way she had said 'addicts'. Willow wouldn't have said that to any of her fellow recovering spellcasters, but being privy to all of her secret thoughts she was able to judge herself much more harshly than she judged the others. She knew every bit of selfishness, laziness and hubris that had led to where she had ended up. However, she hadn't known that overuse of magic could cause a physiological dependence until it had happened to her. Their group leader had told her that most people didn't have access to enough magic to develop that kind of dependence. However, it wasn't uncommon for self-taught practitioners with a lot natural talent to end up hooked before they knew any better.

Willow decided she should make more effort to forgive herself for being an addict; that wasn't shameful. It was shameful the way she'd tried to control and toy with people, but she'd owned up to it and had kept herself from repeating her mistakes for a long time now.

It was less than a week until Xander and Anya's wedding. Maybe she could finally make the leap and woo Tara back. Maybe she was a worthy enough person to. She'd let Tara decide.

Sam continued gushing her admiration for Buffy as they patrolled the cemeteries, but that wasn't much a salve for the discomfort of hearing about Sam's history with Riley. Buffy took a deep breath as Sam mentioned Riley talking with her about Buffy. Riley had been torn up over her. Allegedly.

"He thinks I let him go," Buffy said looking down at the ground.

Sam paused her walking. "Do you wish you hadn't?" She asked.

"I wish things were different." Buffy said after considering. "I'm not trying to… I don't… You know." She looked away from Sam again, unsure if she knew what she was talking about herself.

"I didn't mean to put you on the spot Buffy." Sam said resuming walking. "There's no bad guys in this one. The only thing that could help Riley work it out was time. Lots of time. Took him a year to get over you."

"I'm glad he's over me." Buffy hoped saying the words out loud would make them truer.

She thought back on the visions of the world where she had died. Of all the strangers, family and friends she had seen affected by her death, she had never seen a vision of Riley. It made sense of course; he had left for a life of top secret missions far away, and no one would have known how to contact him to tell him she had died. But it stung to realize just how separate her and Riley's lives had become.

"So you seeing anyone new, someone special?" Sam asked.

Sam's questions just kept getting more uncomfortable to answer. Buffy had found herself thinking of Spike several times tonight, the oddest of which had been when she had to hold on to Riley as they descended down the dam on his one person zip line. Their armor had kept her from fully feeling Riley's body heat, but the warm sensation had been enough to make her feel off. Being that close to a body that wasn't cool had felt almost like cheating.

"You know, I'll just… take my time, you know." Buffy said evasively. "I don't want to jump right into anything. I don't wanna, you know, be defined by who I'm with." Not completely honest, but not a complete lie either.

"Yeah. Better no guy than the wrong guy. That's for sure."

That was the last bit of totally reasonable conversation Buffy could take from this woman.

"Sam, you know what? Um, I think we should split up."

Sam was immediately blaming herself for slowing Buffy down, but Buffy reassured with her excuses about a twitchy informant that again, were at least somewhat honest. Wrong guy or not, Spike could well be the right guy to find some deadly demon eggs.

Spike heard Buffy entering his crypt and put down his poetry book. She was right on schedule.

"Buffy. Hey now," he said as she marched over. "If I'd have known you were comin', I'd have baked a cake."

"I need information." She took off the leather gloves Riley had given her. "Do you know anything about Suvolte demons?"

At this point he did.

"Vicious, noisy buggers. Lay big broods of eggs that hatch real quick if they aren't kept on ice."

"So you'd have a good idea of where a broody mama Suvolte might have nested?" Buffy asked.

"I know a few likely spots. All sorts of creepy crawlies spawn in the caves around here."

"We've got to find them soon, or the whole town's going to be baby food."

Spike slowly, lustfully looked down Buffy's body. "Soon, but not now?"

Buffy paused, and begged him to tell her the words that would make what she wanted to do easier to stomach.

"Tell me you love me."

"I love you. You know I do."

She came closer. "Tell me you want me."

"I always want you." Spike tilted his head to the side. He had to tread carefully here, as they were coming to a make or break moment. "Why are you asking this when you already know? There a reason you need to hear it right now?"

"Can't you just shut up and…" Buffy shook her head and took a deep breath. "It's been one of those nights. I…"

"Happy to be of service, but if there's something going on, aside from needing to make a Suvolte omelet…"

Buffy thought back on Spike's explanation last time he had stalled on having sex with her. He didn't want her to be angry with him about the sex afterwards, to think ill of him basically. She was grateful for that, because there were definitely times when she would have regretted an impulsive hookup.

"It would make things simpler for a little while."

"But not fix what's really wrong." He said with that disturbing level of insight.

"What's really wrong…"

Before Buffy could put into words what exactly was bothering her Riley burst into the crypt, gun at the ready.

Spike chuckled. Unlike the Slayer, Captain Cardboard was ahead of schedule. That was well enough; with Spike's preparations this time there was nothing for Riley to hold over him.

"Well, looky here. Tin soldier is back."

Riley lowered the gun. "Guess we had the same idea about who to beat for information," he said to Buffy.

"Oh the Slayer has a gentler touch than that." Spike said with a smirk and just a hint of innuendo.

"He was just telling me about caves where demons lay their eggs." Buffy intervened. She was relieved Spike had turned her down; the last thing tonight needed was her ex walking in on her sleeping with an undead murderer.

"There are miles of cave tunnels under Sunnydale." Riley said. "A full sweep would take…"

"All night? Better get moving then." Spike headed out the door before either of the others could question him further.

Riley and Buffy followed Spike through a series of natural tunnels, Riley dubious of the wisdom of the plan.

"You sure he's not wasting our time?" He asked Buffy quietly. Spike was pausing to look around the caves for signs of demons occasionally, but seemed unusually confident in which turns to take next. "I'd think Spike would find it funnier to lead us on a wild goose chase while the town gets eaten than to help us stop it."

"Riley, look, I'm not saying that he's good, okay? I'm just saying that for the past year he's, he's been really helpful with the slaying." She was irrationally worried that something in her tone would give away what she'd been doing with Spike.

"And I'm saying he's deadly, amoral, opportunistic." Riley countered.

Buffy knew that all perfectly well. But she was confident Spike was on their side in this.

"He's had lots of opportunities to let us die and he hasn't taken one of them. If he was going to let Sunnydale burn for his amusement it'd be burned by now."

"Okay, I'll defer to your experience on this. But if this goes on for too long…"

"Just up ahead." Spike called out before Riley could finish. "At least three cartons full."

"That was fast." Riley wasn't sure what Spike was up to. This had all been far too convenient, but they'd found the Suvolte eggs and he had a mission to complete.

The infant demons began to hatch as they approached, and it took Riley's entire bandolier of grenades to finish them off. Spike seemed pleased with himself when it was all over, and Riley still couldn't figure what his angle was. He let his misgivings go; Buffy had handled the vampire this long, so whatever scheme he was cooking up wouldn't get by her.

Buffy and Riley waited on her lawn for his team to come extract him and Sam before whisking them off to another adventure in Nepal. In the end she hadn't shared as many stories with him as they had planned, but right now she was more concerned with squaring their past together than their recent past apart.

"Riley that night…" She could hear him swallowing nervously. "I never got the chance, to tell you… how sorry I was… about what happened between us."

"And you never have to." Riley said. "Because that was on me. I didn't talk to you about what was bothering me, coped with it in about the worst way I could, and saddled you with an ultimatum."

"I could have gotten to you sooner." Buffy had imagined for weeks after Riley's departure what could have happened between them if only she'd made it to him in time. She didn't know if he had seen her running after him as the chopper flew off, but he had never heard her ask him to stay, to make clear her choice.

"I could have said something sooner." Riley countered. He'd had of lot of time think over how he could have handled his feelings of inadequacy and distance from Buffy better, but that was easy with the benefit of hindsight. "We can't change what we've already done, but maybe things worked out better this way."

"Easy for you to say." Buffy said, allowing herself to let out the bitterness she'd been holding back all night. "Did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect before coming to see me?"

"I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work, and I love my wife." Riley said plainly. "And I know you've gone through a lot, and maybe I made it worse."

"You didn't, it just, made me think about things." Buffy said, trying to dial back the bitter. "You'd think I'd have been getting more used to that with the Psych degree."

"Congrats on that by the way." He said. "Whatever you're doing to manage all you've got on your plate right now, from what I've seen I'd say it's working. You're up, you're down. It doesn't change what you are, and you are a hell of a woman."

Riley had certainly changed in his time away. He was more mature, patient, and empathetic. Him being a better man now made it made it suck even more that he was out of her reach for good.

He and Sam said their goodbyes and the helicopter arrived to take them away. As she watched them leave she wondered if this was what closure was supposed to feel like. If it was, it wasn't anything to write home about. During her dream of a perfect day Buffy thought she had let go of her lingering hope of being with Riley again. Seeing him in the flesh had sent her for a loop, and the revelations that quickly followed had just made things even more emotionally chaotic. She knew for certain now that there would never be a chance of them getting back together. Until meeting Sam some part of her had always wondered if they would get back together, just like some part of her would always hold onto Angel as her first love.

As much as Buffy hated to admit it, Riley was right. Things had worked out for the best between them. She could dream up all the alternate paths that would have reconciled them before a full break up happened, but the truth was their relationship had been limping along for months by the time he left. Riley and Sam were clearly perfect for each other, and their connection must have been a big influence on his personal growth in the time he'd been away. If anything, Buffy was more jealous of the ease of their connection than of Sam having Riley for herself.

Maybe there being no chance of a rekindled romance meant it'd be easier for her to get over the awkwardness of being exes and just be friends with him, and Sam for that matter. She'd have to if they were really going to keep in contact with the rest of her circle.

There was a bigger awkwardness between Buffy and her friends though, one that was becoming harder to ignore. Her big secret. Her guilty pleasure, with more and more emphasis each night on the guilt. She wanted to handle it like a mature person, but both outcomes she could envision would suck to go through.

Well, she was legendary, right? She should have the courage to take decisive action about her relationship with a man. After saying goodnight to her sister and friends, she returned to Spike's crypt to confront the misgivings that had come to a head tonight.

Spike was feeling a lot less clever now that the demon eggs were destroyed. He kept hearing Buffy say "I'm sorry William," as he wore a groove into the stone floor with his pacing. Well, whatever words she said to him when they next saw each other, he wouldn't let them stun him into silence this time.

"Welcome back." He said when Buffy arrived. It felt like he'd been waiting ages for her to show up, even it had probably only been a couple hours. The Slayer seemed calm, but that wasn't necessarily good news. "Soldier boy's not with you?"

Even though he hadn't humiliated himself in front of the man, Spike had to admit he was more threatened by Riley than by some random git like Richard.

"Him and his wife are gone." Buffy said to make it clear to Spike that this wasn't about Riley. Not exactly anyway.

"Wife?" Spike said in surprise. "When'd that happen?"

"Right after he got over me apparently." Buffy said with the last dregs of her bitterness over it.

Things fell into place. She had been more hurting over more than her guilt regarding him this night. Spike had always wondered why Riley showing up had made Buffy ask him to say he loved and wanted her and then decide to end things with him. She must have already been dying inside over using someone for sex she thought she couldn't love for a while by then. He thought they had gotten beyond that these past few months, and grown closer in ways they hadn't before.

"Must have stung, seeing them together." Spike said, offering Buffy a seat in the armchair.

"Only a lot." She admitted, declining to sit. "But I can understand why he married her. I kind of want to marry her too."

"So you come here to get your wounds licked?" He said gently.

"No. That's all I've been doing for months, using you, stringing you along." Buffy mustered her courage, resolved to see this through for good this time.

"If you are I'm glad to be strung." Spike couldn't believe she still thought she didn't have feelings for him. She had told him she cared, shown him. Why was she still denying it?

"Don't lie to me." She said firmly as he got dangerously close. He scowled and took half a step back. "I know you want more than this."

"And what exactly would more be?" Spike asked, all gentleness ripped away. "You're the one who wants something more. Seeing your former with his new bint made you realize."

That was indeed the exact problem. She didn't even bother denying it.

"They have things we can never have. They can flirt and hold hands in front of people. They don't have to hide."

"We don't need to hide." Spike protested.

"What?" Buffy said incredulously. "I'm supposed to tell my friends about us and just, have them accept you as my boyfriend?"

"Yes!" He shouted. If that was the only thing stopping her from truly being with him then it was ridiculous to him to let that hold them back. "Dawn and I are thick as thieves, and I get on fine with Anya and the witches."

Again, what Spike was saying made sense. But that wasn't everyone concerned.

"And Xander?" She asked. Buffy also doubted Giles would be accepting, but he'd been gone half a year at this point and there was no telling when he'd be around to be bothered.

Spike wanted to bash his head against the wall. "Why do a bunch of women as extraordinary as you and your mates care so much about what that wanker thinks?"

"It's called friendship, and I do care what he thinks." Buffy snapped back.

She hadn't let Xander's disapproval stop her from pursuing guys in the past, but this was different. Spike had tried to kill Xander. Buffy couldn't ask him to just get over that and be comfortable with her smooching a killer because he was less harmful now. Willow had also been threatened by Spike, but she might be okay with her seeing him. She had always been more open minded than Xander when it came to befriending things that went bump in the night, checkered pasts or no.

"If he's such a great friend he should want you to do what makes you happy." Spike said, tone softening again.

Buffy sunk into the armchair, thinking over just what would make her happy.

"I want to be happy." She said finally. "It would be a lot easier if I didn't have to keep secrets from people anymore."

"So don't." Spike kneeled before her, placing his hands on her knees.

He made it sound so simple, but how could it be? She contemplated a strategy.

"Xander and Anya's wedding is coming up. Spirits should be pretty high afterwards, and I can tell Dawn and Willow. Then they can help me figure out how to tell Xander when he's back from their honeymoon."

Spike could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"You're really ready for this?" He asked.

"No. But I can't keep this a secret forever." She looked into Spike's eyes. She'd known when she came here she was either leaving with their relationship cut off for good or admitting that he was in fact, her boyfriend, and accepting the consequences of that. Either way, she would have had to tell her friends at some point what she'd been doing. It was just a matter or whether she'd risk further alienating them by still being with Spike when she told them. She decided she'd find the courage. "And I don't want it to stop."

The thrill of Buffy's declaration was warring with the new dilemma looming over Spike's head. How the hell was he going to save the wedding of a man who hated him and he hated right back?

Author's Notes: I'm not as happy with this chapter as I was with the last one. Hit a few walls writing it, but the next chapter has me really excited to get it done. I promise it will take closer to one week to finish instead of the five weeks this one did. Thanks for reading!

JayeMaru : Thank you so much!