Sarah sighed moodily, giving her husband's neck a slight, angry nip before settling back against him, curled up together in his throne.

"I don't know why we have to do this." Sarah pouted, tugging at a strand of her husband's hair.

She glowered at the trapped laughter vibrating in the column of his throat, giving it another nip. Admittedly, this one was softer and involved fair more sucking and tongue curling.

"Jareth," she whined softly, nuzzling just below his ear. "I don't want to do this. Can't we go back to bed or the library, or the kitchen, or the garden, or the bathtub."

Sarah tugged on his ear lobe with her teeth convincingly, "I know how much you love the bathtub."

Sarah smiled triumphantly when the Goblin King's mouth crashed down on hers, thinking she had won.

Coming up for air seven minutes later with glazed eyes and a rather stupid grin, she realised she hadn't, but had also stopped caring.

Jareth smirked down at his Queen, waiting until she'd slumped happily against his shoulder, her fingers dazedly tracing her lips.

The Goblin King then put on his most regal sneer and turned to goblin next to him.

"Bring in the prisoners," he commanded.

The first man who was brought forward for some crazy reason, looked identical to the to the Goblin King in every way except he had black hair and a rather nasty looking scar.

This readers, is what we call lazy writing.

Jareth glared at the man.

"Summary," he ordered, but not giving his wife another spectacularly mind blowing and glitter filled kiss.

The goblin pulled out a clipboard and ball point pen, giving it a test click before reciting, "This is your evil, long lost half-brother. He is almost exactly like you except he is evil. He has creepy, evil, rapey intentions towards the Queen. No explanation why other than, he is evil."

Jareth peered around Sarah, who had started sucking his neck again, and frowned at his long lost, evil half-brother.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He asked.

The Goblin King's evil, long lost, evil half-brother glowered evilly, "Only that I have a weird fetish for your wife and I will fantasise about her in every chapter that's in my point of view for an uncomfortable amount of time. And I like virgins. And not using lube. Or foreplay."

"Get him out of my sight," spat the King.

The Labyrinth's equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer did a super sick, triple backflip through the window, nodded to the King and Queen, grabbed the evil, long lost, evil, half, evil brother and dragged him back to the dungeons.

She's really cool.

Not like I'm trying to impose a character on you and force you to like them or anything but she had a really troubling childhood and-

"Next," called the King.

The Goblin flipped the page over on his clipboard, "This one isn't allowed out of the dungeons because he's the King of the Vampires. Character was written about 2008 so..."

"It's based off Twilight?" Asked the Queen, running her hands down her husband's chest.

The Goblin nodded, "Yeah. He want's to make Sarah his hot, undead bride and is kind of obsessive and weird."

The King looked up from his kissing, lipstick and glitter smeared over his face.

"Does he have a statement?" He asked, before gulping in a fresh lot of air and going back to snogging his wife passionately.

The Goblin frowned for a minute, looking at the sheet of paper with much disgust.

"Um. Yeah. The statement says (and please don't bog me, I'm just quoting):

My darling Sarah,

I'm going to be really romantic and chase you through a forest while you scream, "Get away from me you dipshit!" Then I'm going to jump on you and tear your shirt off, and feel your breasts.

They'll be like really firm, pink grapefruits in my hand and you'll moan and get like 1,000 lady boners and then I'll sink my fangs into your neck and then you'll become my Queen forever and ever.

Lots of creepy, obsessive thoughts,

The Vampire King."

Jareth stared at Sarah for a moment, before reaching out and giving a cautionary squeeze of her boob.

"I'm not exactly a grapefruit expert but that feels nothing like a grapefruit."

Sarah paused, looking down at Jareth's hand before gently removing it, "Poor dear, not only was he a bad villain, he's a 400 year old virgin."

The Goblin King rolled his eyes, "Who's the next one?"

The Goblin flipped to the next page, "Troll Prince. Also kind of rapey but you can't do anything because he's a Prince."
Sarah frowned at Jareth who had just re-grabbed her breast, and was giving it another, confused fondle.

"Who's after that?" She asked.

With a bored sigh, The Goblin flipped to the next page.

"That one guy who sat two rows behind you in forth grade math and thought your hair looked pretty."

The Goblin Queen smiled fondly, "Aw, he was called Ben. What a sweetie."

The Goblin King on the other hand grimaced, "Bog him. Who else?"

"Troll King."

The Goblin King groaned.

"Didn't we just have him?" He asked, not so subtly sliding his hand under the Queen's shirt.

"No dear," Sarah slid her hand down to a rather infamous part of the Goblin King's anatomy, "That one was the troll Prince. This one is a King."

The Goblin King grunted something that sounded vaguely like "Systematics," but it may have also been, "Shit! That's magic."

The goblin with the clipboard merely rolled his eyes, "Other people on the list are: your highness's normal brother, a pervy dude from the village, your royal bulginess's best friend, some random Sarah nearly married but then unfortunately found out on her wedding day that he was cheating on her with a pretty blonde woman, your most majestic kicking kinky boot's father,"
"Wait," came the Goblin King's muffled voice (it was muffled because his face was in between the Goblin Queen's breasts), "my dad!"

"Yep," the Goblin didn't even batt an eyelid, "Some guy named Matthew who has been waiting in the friend zone for years for Sarah and will take matter's into his own hands, forcing you, the Goblin King to save her from being sexually abused, also, your cousin who is nicer than you but most likely has evil intentions, Sarah's creepy next door neighbour, Sarah's creepy boss, a jock boy who is based either off stereotypical teen movies where all sporting people are mega dicks or gay or potentially is based off the writer's own personal bad experiences with jocks."

Jareth looked up at his wife with in mildly terrified awe, "Jeez woman! How do you attract so many?"

Sarah William's gave a jaw dropingly stunning smile and fluttered her eyelashes coyly, "It's my natural charm."

The King of the Goblin's gave her a look of pure adoration that clearly said, "Holy fuck! My wife is amazing."

"Is there anyone else?" Asked the King, his hands getting a little... handsy on the Queen's royal ass.

The Goblin gave another bored flip through the pages, "More of your royal relatives, a couple evil war lords, a version of you that have been split down the middle and the evil half is evil, some more work colleagues, um and finally that dwarf."

Sarah raised her head, her mouth open like a fish, "HOGGLE! What is wrong with these people!?"

The Goblin King stroked his wife's hair soothingly, "The internet is a dark and dangerous place, my love," he said in a hushed voice, nuzzling her neck, "I will do everything in my power to relieve your pain."

Sarah pouted, "Can I use the riding crop?"

Jareth captured her lips in a sweet kiss that made all the goblins within a ten mile radius throw-up a little their mouths, "For you love, anything."

Thus, the annual "Sarah's jilted potential lovers day" ended in the usual fashion. With Goblin Monarch hot monkey sex.