Chapter Three
Live and Let Die
EXT. WAREHOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
During the establishing shot, a bustle of activity can be seen happening inside and outside the building. A number of jets can be seen on one side with a fleet of semi trucks on the other. A large mechanical apparatus can be seen rising above the warehouse from behind. Snow falls lightly as the scene cuts to the large apparatus in the rear. A number of individuals in dark blue or black suits can be seen working on it with blowtorches and other similar industrial equipment. Oddly enough, every person has the exact same face and hair. After a moment, a heavyset individual with the same identical features as the others enters the scene and approaches one using a blowtorch.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
Ay! You! Give me an update on the death ray!
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
*startled*
Suh-sir?
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
*annoyed*
Jesus Christ. What kind of evil lackey are you? Stop being so god damn jumpy!
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
*salutes*
Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
*rolls eyes*
Just give me an update, asshole.
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
Uh, yeah. We're a little behind schedule, sir.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
And why the fuck is that?
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
We can't get the laser timing exact. At the moment it just creates a hologram of Kim Kardashian.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
So, in other words, you're telling me that I've been paying you assholes to maintain a ten million dollar pile of useless shit?!
The BLOWTORCH LACKEY puts up his hands in defense and takes a step closer to the giant apparatus.
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
*fearful*
I- I wouldn't say that…
A clearly pissed off HEAVYSET VILLAIN reaches into his black trench coat.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
*pissed*
Well… If I can't use this death ray to produce a FUCKING RAY to destroy what I FUCKING WANT, then I'd say it's pretty GOD DAMN USELESS!
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
*fearful*
But we got the DDR for it working!
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
DDR?
BLOWTORCH LACKEY:
*fearful*
The, uh- The Dance Dance Revolution module…
The HEAVYSET VILLAIN pulls a handgun from within his trench coat and aims at the BLOWTORCH LACKEY's head. When a loud gunshot is heard, the other LACKEYS in the immediate area stop whatever it was they were doing to watch the BLOWTORCH LACKEY fall forward, his brains now covering the large apparatus.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
*shouting*
Let this be a fucking lesson to you assholes! I will not accept failure! I also don't give a flying FUCK about Dance Dance Revolution! Get this fucking piece of shit working the way it's supposed to fucking work! SOUTH PARK MUST BE WIPED OFF THE FUCKING MAP!
YOUNG BOY:
*off screen*
Why?
The HEAVYSET VILLAIN turns around in all directions, all the while waving his gun around.
HEAVYSET VILLAIN:
*panicked*
Who the fuck said that?!
YOUNG BOY:
*off screen*
Down here, fat ass.
The HEAVYSET VILLAIN looks down at the man he had just killed only to discover the body of ten-year old STAN MARSH. STAN lifts his hole riddled head and looks up.
STAN:
Cartman, serious question, dude. What happened to you?
CARTMAN:
*stunned*
The Jew- They-
*pissed*
You're supposed to be dead, asshole!
CARTMAN unloads several more bullets into STAN causing his body to slump back down to the ground in a gory mess.
CARTMAN:
*deranged*
Stay dead, asshole! Stop sabotaging what I fucking need to do!
When CARTMAN kicks the body on the ground, it is no longer STAN, but that of the BLOWTORCH LACKEY. He angrily looks around to all of his lackeys.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Get back to work, assholes! This ain't no god damned free show! Get that fucking laser operational before they fucking find me and we're all fucking dead!
There is silence for a moment before everyone returns to work. STAN suddenly materializes next to CARTMAN.
STAN:
Dude! You do realize that you've already killed me, right? Shooting at me isn't going to do you any good.
CARTMAN screams and fires his gun at STAN. The bullet passes through harmlessly and strikes another LACKEY in the stomach, causing him to double over and cough up blood. Several LACKEYS give each other concerned looks. CARTMAN panics for a moment before running away screaming.
STAN:
*laughs*
What a retard.
CUT TO EXT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY UNDERGROUND - NIGHT
Establishing shot. Through the windows carved into the stone front, one employee is seen smoking at the only occupied table in the entire restaurant. The young blonde haired boy turns to look out the window when a green sports car pulls up and shuts off its lights.
WENDY:
*voice over*
Wow. I haven't been here in a while. This is new. When and why did Denny's move into an underground cave?
KYLE:
*voice over*
Actually, I'm not sure. What I do know for certain is that after tonight you may not ever return.
WENDY:
*voice over*
What? Why?
The driver's side door opens followed by the passenger's. KYLE and WENDY both step out of the vehicle and walk towards the front doors embedded in the earthen walls.
KYLE:
Let's just say that the service here sucks.
WENDY:
*blinks*
Oh. Then why are we coming here again?
KYLE:
*shrugs*
It's the only place open this late at night that serves all-day breakfast.
WENDY:
*confused*
Oh…
*intrigued*
Oh!
CUT TO INT. DENNY'S UNDERGROUND FAIRPLAY - DININGROOM
KENNY, who is wearing an employee uniform, is seated at a booth by the window and smoking. It would appear that he may have been smoking for some time judging from the overflowing ashtray. KENNY raises his hand and grins an excited grin upon seeing KYLE and WENDY.
KENNY:
Holy shit! The boss's ass actually has a cute chick with him and he brings her here for a date?
WENDY adopts a confused expression while KYLE rolls his eyes in annoyance.
KENNY:
*cont'd, chuckles*
You're such a loser, dude.
KYLE:
*sarcastically*
Yes, I'm a loser because I walk in with a real girl and you're not because you spend your free time modding dicks into Skyrim.
KENNY:
*shrugs*
I'm glad you can admit that.
After KYLE and WENDY have approached the table, KYLE plops down opposite KENNY while WENDY remains awkwardly standing. It is clear that the apron-clad boy has not recognized her.
KYLE:
Dude, I should probably have a few words with you for smoking in here.
KYLE slides himself over to make room for WENDY to sit.
KENNY:
*scoffs*
Seriously, Kyle? My computer's not allowed within forty yards of the store after the porn incident two weeks ago.
WENDY raises an eyebrow.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
What am I supposed to do when I have nothing to do? I mean, I know I'm supposed to serve customers…
He takes a drag on his cigarette and gestures to the empty restaurant around them.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
…but what customers I'm serving I'd like to know.
KYLE:
*rolls eyes*
Whatever, dude. I'm not here to get into this.
KENNY:
Fine by me.
KENNY leans towards WENDY with a lecherous grin.
KENNY:
*cont'd, to WENDY*
What say we ditch this asshole and go make-out in a corner booth?
WENDY raises her other eyebrow.
KYLE:
*embarrassed*
Dude!
KENNY:
Actually, you look familiar… Do I know you?
WENDY:
*taken aback*
I…
KYLE:
Uh, Kenny… This is Wendy…
KENNY:
Hi, Wendy. Contrary to what Kyle has called me, my name is "All Yours…"
WENDY:
*taken aback*
I… Um… Kyle…
KYLE:
Uh, Kenny, this is Wendy Testaburger. From grade school.
KENNY drops his cigarette in surprise.
KENNY:
*shocked*
Testicleburger?! No way… You've filled out nicely over the years.
WENDY:
*pissed*
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!
KYLE:
Dude, I think that was meant as a compliment. I mean, you are pretty-
WENDY:
*pissed*
"Testicleburger" is a compliment?
KENNY taps ash off his cigarette into the nearby ashtray.
KENNY:
Don't worry about it, Wendy.
*grins*
You're an ample bosomed angel sent from above.
WENDY raises an eyebrow again. KENNY rubs the back of his head in embarrassment.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
Anyway, sorry I didn't recognize you.
KYLE:
I know. She looks different without her beret.
WENDY:
*panicked*
Oh, god! I think I forgot it!
KYLE:
It's in the car.
KENNY:
*snickers*
Yeah? How'd you lose it in there?
KYLE:
*facepalms*
Jesus Christ, Kenny. Get fucking laid already.
KENNY leans back and folds his hands behind his head.
KENNY:
I get laid every morning after work.
KYLE:
Sex mods in Skyrim don't count.
WENDY:
*disgusted*
Eww…
Cutting to the same table some time later shows that the ash pile in the cheap plastic tray has gotten even larger and spilled out onto a plate that has been placed under said tray. The two Denny's employees are watching in amusement while WENDY dives into a plate of pancakes.
WENDY:
*blissful*
Oh, my god… Why didn't anyone tell me that pancakes taste so much better at dinner?!
KENNY:
You should try a stack after a night of binge drinking and hot sex orgies.
KYLE:
I still think you should have tried the bacon maple sundae, Wendy.
WENDY grimaces as she shoves a forkful of griddled goodness into her mouth.
WENDY:
*swallows*
Um, it's okay, Kyle. Bacon is kind of…gross.
KENNY:
And when Kyle masturbates his lonely nights away he thinks not of girls with big titties, but of bacon and ice cream.
KENNY's remark prompts laughter from himself while KYLE sulks and WENDY adopts a confused and uncomfortable look.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
That sounded almost poetic in a way. I like it!
KYLE:
At least I didn't get fired from a previous job for having sex with cantaloupes in the cool room.
KENNY:
*frowns*
It's not my fault that those melons look like sweet delicious pussies when they're cut in half!
KYLE:
*facepalms*
Jesus, Kenny!
KENNY:
Also, you didn't deny jerking off to bacon.
KYLE:
Why bother? I've been denying it for two months now and you still insist that I do.
KENNY:
*winks at WENDY*
Sorry, man. Didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your new girlfriend here.
WENDY:
Actually, um…
KENNY:
How'd you two get together anyway? I mean, Wendy, you just dropped off the face of the Earth years ago and now suddenly here you are!
WENDY:
I, um, never really left South Park…or my house for that matter. And…
*swallows, sheepishly*
…Kyle kind of found me by accident at the cemetery.
KENNY:
Cemetery? What were you doing there?
WENDY:
*sadly*
I, um, don't really want to get into it right now.
KENNY extinguishes his dying cigarette and promptly lights another.
KENNY:
So, let me get this straight. You've been a house hermit for the last ten years, right?
WENDY:
I…
WENDY sadly stares down at the table.
WENDY:
*cont'd, sadly*
Yeah.
KENNY:
And the first thing you decided to do was hang out with dead people?
KYLE:
*tersely*
Kenny…
KENNY:
Shit. Get your priorities straight, woman! The first thing you should have done was look for a dick to bounce on.
There is silence for a beat.
KENNY:
…Or a pussy to lick…depending on your preference.
WENDY:
How do you know that rotting corpses don't turn me on?
There is another stunned silence before KENNY starts laughing.
KYLE:
*facepalms*
Christ Almighty…
KENNY:
God damn. Lighten up, Kyle.
KENNY takes a drag on his cigarette.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
But seriously, Wendy, I'm a little confused here. Of all the places to go after a ten year absence why the cemetery?
WENDY:
*frowns lopsidedly*
I…
*sighs*
I had to apologize to Stan.
KENNY:
*puzzled*
Stan? For what?
WENDY lowers her head.
KYLE:
Let's just say that she didn't know about what fat fuck had done.
KENNY:
That diseased cunt? I will fucking make good on my threat if I ever fucking see that fat piece of shit again.
WENDY:
Where's Cartman now?
KENNY and KYLE share a look before looking back to WENDY.
KENNY:
No fucking clue.
KYLE:
Yeah. He hightailed it outta here once it became clear that the rest of the town didn't agree with the court's finding.
KENNY:
It's ironic that killing two adults and making them into fucking chili to revenge feed to their son doesn't get a second glance, but killing a god damn kid with penicillin for no reason other than to be a fucking dick warrants an uproar.
WENDY:
So… He's no longer in South Park?
KYLE:
*shrugs*
Not that I'm aware of.
KENNY nods in agreement.
KENNY:
Last I had heard his mom had moved them out to Nebraska or some shit.
KENNY takes a drag and exhales.
KENNY:
*cont'd*
Not that I really fucking care about that over-sized gonorrhea infested hog's ass…
WENDY slams her open palms down on the table and leans closer to KENNY.
WENDY:
*pissed*
Where at in Nebraska?
KENNY:
*stunned*
I…really don't know.
KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
What does it matter, Wendy? He's no longer here terrorizing us. The last five years have actually been quite peace-
The dark-haired girl grabs KYLE by his collar and pulls his face close to hers. KENNY watches in stunned silence.
WENDY:
*pissed*
Peaceful?! I've been in my own personal hell for the last DECADE only to find out that it was all because of some fat fuck who thinks that he's god's gift to the fucking world! I'm not going to fucking let him get away with that! Nobody-
*shakes KYLE*
-fucks-
*again*
-with Wendy-
*again*
-fucking-
*again*
-TESTABURGER!
A limp KYLE simply stares back at her in fear. A clump of ash falls off KENNY's cigarette as he watches on in shock.
KENNY:
*stunned*
Wow…
CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE
During the establishing shot, it's made clear that the only thing that has changed is the snow coming down at a much faster and harder rate. CARTMAN can be seen at a window overlooking his compound. He turns to walk away.
CUT TO INT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE - CARTMAN'S OFFICE
CARTMAN is now sitting at his desk and rubbing his temples in a frustrated manner. On the desk to his right is a bottle of scotch and an empty glass. To his left sits a grinning STAN.
STAN:
So, you gonna tell me, fat ass?
CARTMAN:
*glances side-long at STAN*
Go to hell, asshole.
STAN:
Already been there, dude. Not much different from being stuck here with you, actually.
CARTMAN:
Then go fucking haunt someone else, Caspar the Douchebag Ghost. I've got things to do hyah.
STAN:
Not until you tell me why. Why all of this, dude?
CARTMAN suddenly stands, causing his chair to fall to the floor. He stares STAN dead in the eyes.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Why? Alright, fine! If it shuts you the fuck up I'll fucking tell you why! Because they all want to kill me! Me, of all people!
STAN:
Can't say I blame them there.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Fuck you! I didn't do anything wrong!
STAN:
*laughs*
Yeah. Okay, dude.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Asshole! I'm seriously! I did nothing to them!
STAN says nothing, but instead gives CARTMAN a cheeky grin.
CARTMAN:
They're looking for me! The entire fucking town! They have been for years! So I'll freaking destroy them before they find me!
CARTMAN starts laughing hysterically.
CARTMAN:
*deranged*
Especially the Jew and the Pov!
STAN:
*disbelievingly*
Uh huh.
CARTMAN:
*deranged*
They want to cut my balls off!
*deranged laughter*
Not while I still breathe!
STAN:
Okay. That's great, but you still didn't answer my question.
*gestures around them*
Why all of this? What're you hiding from?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
I just told you why, faggot!
There is a knock on the door before a CARTMAN look-a-like LACKEY pokes his head into the room.
LACKEY:
Sir? Are you okay? I thought I heard you talking to yourself…?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Does it fucking look like I'm okay?!
*gestures to his left*
This little fag keeps pestering me and won't go the fuck away!
There is silence for a beat.
LACKEY:
*concerned*
Uh, sir…? That's Johnson… You shot him a week ago for the laser death ray not working.
When CARTMAN gives a horrified look to his left, STAN has been replaced with the headless corpse of the BLOWTORCH LACKEY.
CARTMAN:
*horrified*
WHAT THE FUCK?!
He roughly shoves the body off his desk.
CARTMAN:
Jesus fucking Christ! Get some asshole in here to clean up this fucking mess!
After the lackey hurriedly runs away to fulfill his task, CARTMAN pours himself a glass of scotch and downs it in a single gulp.
CARTMAN:
What the hell is going on hyah?
STAN:
*off screen*
I'm still waiting for you to explain that one to me.
When CARTMAN looks up, STAN is once again sitting on the desk.
CARTMAN:
*panicked*
But- You- I've already told you what you fucking wanted!
When STAN sadly shakes his head CARTMAN bellows out a frustrated scream.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - DAWN
After the establishing shot of the town sign, KENNY is seen as the only person wandering past the Post Office.
STAN:
*off screen*
…Kenny…
KENNY stops in his tracks, stunned.
KENNY:
*confused*
What the fuck…?
He looks around, but continues walking when he finds nothing. After a few moments, he stops walking and stares ahead in stunned silence. A translucent STAN can be seen standing at the end of the block. While he isn't looking at KENNY, he seems to be staring intently in some other direction. After a moment, he wanders off in that direction before disappearing. The cigarette in KENNY's mouth falls to the ground, forgotten, as he sprints off to where he saw STAN disappear.
CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - DAWN
Establishing shot.
CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM
A fully clothed KYLE is sleeping in his bed. After yawning and blinking his eyes a few times he discovers an arm draped across him.
KYLE:
*hushed*
What the fuck?
His eyes follow said arm to find WENDY sleeping beside him. He stares at her sleeping form for a moment before gently nudging her awake.
KYLE:
*hushed*
Yo. Wake up.
Her eyelids flutter open with a yawn. When she focuses and realizes where she is her face turns bright red in embarrassment. She quickly disengages herself from KYLE and sits up in the bed.
WENDY:
*hushed*
Oh, my god. Kyle, I'm so sorry. I must have fallen asleep at your computer again…
KYLE:
Uh, I hate to break this to you, but this isn't my computer…
WENDY smiles sheepishly and avoids eye contact.
KYLE:
*grins*
Dude, this makes three weeks in a row now. Keep this up and both our parents will start to think we're an item. Hell, I might even start to think that.
WENDY:
*smirks*
Well, you just keep on-
*gasps*
Oh, shit! I didn't tell my parents I would be all night!
KYLE:
They're probably just happy to see you, y'know, actually leaving the house and interacting with other people.
WENDY:
Maybe…
There is an awkward silence for a beat.
KYLE:
So… I take it the search for Cartman is still at zero.
WENDY:
*sighs*
I haven't been able to find anything on him, other than an old MySpace account from years ago that still lists South Park as his current location.
KYLE:
MySpace? That shit hole's still around?
WENDY:
I had to fight through an ass ton of ads, but yeah.
KYLE:
Damn…
WENDY:
I did find something interesting, though… I found a Park County Flume article that briefly glanced over Ms. Cartman dying in a car accident.
KYLE:
Let me guess; Cartman was mentioned indirectly as a survivor and no other info was given.
WENDY:
Yeah, no specifics. Then again, the article was five years old, so who knows.
KYLE:
Sounds like we can possibly rule out Cartman leaving the state. I'll bet he's hiding here in Park County somewhere.
WENDY:
I just hope that the feelers Kenny put out turn something up.
KYLE:
Kenny knows a lot of people from just about everywhere. We once took a road trip to the Taste of Chicago and, I shit you not, every rest stop, every gas station, every restaurant, every block we bumped into someone he knew.
WENDY:
Sounds like he's turned into a real social butterfly.
KYLE:
*tersely*
Annoyingly so… How he balances work, his social life, and modding dicks into video games I'll never understand.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - DAWN
KENNY rounds a corner with a frustrated look on his face.
KENNY:
*hushed*
Where the fuck are you leading me?
STAN, again, appears at the end of the block and just simply stares up at the signage of a building. The spirit disappears when KENNY reaches the same spot and follows his gaze.
KENNY:
*confused*
The old Flume building? Why bring me here?
After receiving no answer, he tries opening the door to no avail.
KENNY:
Shit. It's locked.
He tries peering through the glass doors.
KENNY:
Why am I here, Stan?
CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM
WENDY has joined KYLE at the head of his bed.
WENDY:
…And everyone else has either moved away or moved on…
KYLE:
So… What? I'm your last choice as a friend, then?
WENDY:
Yes. That's precisely why I come over here every day to use your computer to search for fat ass instead of using mine.
KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
Seriously? You come over here just to use my computer?
WENDY:
*facepalms*
Jesus Christ, Kyle. Do I really need to spell it out for you?
KYLE:
Um… Maybe. However, I am genuinely curious. You haven't said much about any of your other friends other than Bebe being a bitch.
WENDY:
*horrified*
She moved to New York to be a model! Of course she's a bitch!
*downcast*
And the rest that are still in town act like…I'm some sort of relic from the past. You're the only person in town that doesn't treat me like I'm some kind of…social outcast.
KYLE shrugs.
KYLE:
I'm a bit of a social outcast myself, so…who am I to judge?
WENDY:
Well, what I'm trying to say is that you're the only friend I have, Kyle.
*smiles*
Thank you.
She kisses him gently on his lips, but fails to pull her head back. There is a pause as the two stare at each other through half-lidded eyes.
KYLE:
*hushed*
Wendy…?
WENDY:
*hushed*
Kyle…
She squeaks in excitement as she kisses him and pushes him down fully to the bed. As she climbs over top of him, he grabs her ass and roughly pulls her body closer to his. She squeals with a giggle and cradles his head with an arm as he runs a hand through her hair. The two sigh with passion in between kisses.
WENDY:
*hushed*
Take me…
KYLE:
*hushed*
Where…?
WENDY:
*hushed*
Here…
KYLE:
*hushed*
Okay…
*kisses her*
Here we-
*kisses her*
-are.
WENDY:
*hushed*
Smart ass.
WENDY giggles and sits up to straddle KYLE's waist. She grins with lust as she grips the hem of her shirt and lifts it up just enough to show her midriff. KYLE chokes as he stares. She giggles again and continues to lift her shirt. Just as she is about to exposing her chest, music suddenly comes from seemingly nowhere. Her shirt falls back down to its natural resting place as she looks around in shock.
KYLE:
*pissed*
God dammit!
WENDY:
What the hell is that?
KYLE, in the meantime, has grabbed his mobile phone and stares at it with a pissed off expression.
KYLE:
*pissed*
Popular 8-Bit Action RPG, but why the fuck would Kenny-?
WENDY:
*raises an eyebrow*
And THAT'S your ringtone…?
KYLE:
*defensively*
Like I said-
*normal, into the phone*
Dude, this had better be-
*pauses*
Wait! Slow down! You saw who?!
*pauses*
That's impossible!
WENDY:
*confused*
What's going on?
KYLE:
*holds up a finger*
Dude! Calm down! We'll come to you! Where are you?
KYLE lowers the phone from his ear and stares intently at WENDY.
KYLE:
Well. This is quite interesting…
CUT TO EXT. THE PARK COUNTY FLUME BUILDING - MORNING
KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY are standing outside the building looking up at the dilapidated signage.
KYLE:
Doesn't look like this place has been in use for awhile.
WENDY:
Are you sure of what you saw, Kenny?
KENNY:
*flicks away a cigarette*
One hundred percent. I haven't seen anything out of the ordinary since I was led here…except for the two guys I saw fucking in the warehouse across the street.
WENDY:
*disgusted*
Ew!
KENNY:
My question is "why was I led here".
WENDY:
It might have something to do with that article I found online.
KYLE:
It's possible. They moved locations… What? Three years ago?
KENNY:
Four.
KYLE:
Yeah. So maybe they left something behind that might give us some answers.
WENDY:
But how does Stan fit into all of this and why would he lead us here?
KENNY wanders off towards the back of the building.
KYLE:
Good question, but I have a better one. How are we getting in?
WENDY shrugs.
KENNY:
*off screen*
Tire iron.
KYLE and WENDY share a confused glance with each other.
CUT TO INT. THE PARK COUNTY FLUME BUILDING
A boarded up window suddenly explodes with fragmented wood and light from the outside. KENNY tosses his makeshift weapon of destruction through the window and climbs through. KYLE enters second and leans back through to give WENDY a helping hand. He catches her when she stumbles into him. KENNY raises an eyebrow as the two stare at each other.
KENNY:
If you guys wanna fuck, I have no qualms watching.
WENDY:
*coughs*
Awfully dusty in here.
KYLE:
No kidding.
She kisses him on the cheek and the two separate. Both KYLE and KENNY bring out their mobile phones to use as makeshift flashlights as they look around. The room is filled to the brim with dusty desks, cardboard boxes stacked to the ceiling, and several giant plastic storage tubs.
KENNY:
Okay, we're in. Any idea of what to look for?
WENDY:
We can start with anything relating to Cartman and/or Stan.
KYLE:
Hopefully we can find something. I mean, this looks like it'll be a needle in a haystack or something.
KENNY shrugs and moves to the nearest desk to rummage through. KYLE and WENDY wander to a stack of boxes and search through the papers they find. One fade cut later finds the room partially turned upside down. WENDY is quickly going through another stack of papers in the dim light of KYLE's phone.
KYLE:
Dude, hurry up! I don't think my phone has much of a charge left.
WENDY:
I can't hurry the evi-
She suddenly squeals in delight and takes the paper in her hands to the nearby desk.
KYLE:
Did you find something?
WENDY:
I think so! Gimme some light, please!
The two boys stand behind her as she scans the information before her.
KENNY:
Well?
WENDY:
This is the same article I found on the internet last night, except…
KYLE:
Except, what?
WENDY:
It's…different. Much different.
There is silence for a beat.
KENNY:
Then it's not really the same, is it?
KYLE:
*pissed*
Kenny, knock-
*normal*
Actually, he does have a point.
WENDY:
Fine. Whatever. Either way, there's more information here.
KENNY:
Don't leave us hanging, lady.
WENDY:
The Cartmans were apparently leaving South Park by route 285. They were involved in an accident when…a semi suddenly lost control…and crashed headlong into them.
She looks back at KYLE with a look of shock.
WENDY:
Oh, my god…
KYLE/KENNY:
Holy shit…
KYLE:
We already know that Cartman's mom died in the accident. Is Cartman mentioned?
WENDY:
Apparently, he suffered several severe injuries, including head trauma. He was taken to Hell's Pass Hospital along with several others who were involved.
KENNY:
*shocked*
Wait. I remember that accident!
KYLE:
Wasn't it the worst vehicular accident in the history of Park County?
KENNY:
Why don't I remember hearing about it involving Cartman?
WENDY:
The date on this paper is two days prior the one I saw online. I wonder if it was covered up to prevent blood hungry people, like us, from finishing the job the semi started.
KYLE:
It's…possible. I just don't understand how this was managed to be kept from us and why.
KENNY:
Who wrote the article? Maybe we can get more info from them.
WENDY:
*reading*
Betsy Donovan.
KYLE:
Clyde's mom?
KENNY:
*disappointed*
Ah, fuck.
WENDY:
*confused*
What? What's wrong?
KYLE:
Clyde's mom died a few years ago. I don't remember the details, but I know it was pretty gruesome.
KENNY:
Her insides got sucked out through the toilet.
WENDY:
Ew!
KYLE:
*sighs*
Thanks, Kenny. I was trying to forget that.
KENNY:
*smirks*
No probs.
WENDY:
What now?
KENNY lights up a cigarette.
KENNY:
It's a long shot, but maybe we'll find something at the hospital.
KYLE and WENDY share a look.
CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE
CARTMAN is seen looking out the window of his office at the bustle of activity around the giant death ray below. He grins almost psychotically before laughing.
CARTMAN:
*deranged*
It's almost finished. It's almost finished!
STAN comes up beside CARTMAN and looks down as well.
STAN:
So, you ever going to tell me what this is all for?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
I'm not goin' to let you fuck up this happy moment for me, asshole.
STAN:
You really don't have a clue, do you…?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
What the fuck you on about, hippie?
STAN:
You honestly have no idea what's going on.
CARTMAN:
All I know is that I've waited a long fucking time for this!
STAN:
Yeah? How long?
There is a silence as CARTMAN's expression goes from triumphant to confused to suddenly worried.
CARTMAN:
It doesn't matter!
STAN:
I thought so, fat ass.
CARTMAN:
Shuh-shut up!
STAN:
So, can you tell me where we're at?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
My super secret ba-
STAN:
I mean, where at in Colorado?
CARTMAN is silent.
STAN:
*cont'd*
Dude, are we even in Colorado?
CARTMAN:
I-
STAN:
Actually, this has been bugging the crap outta me. Why does everyone look like you? Sound like you?
CARTMAN:
When they joined my organization they had to-
STAN:
They look like you because you love yourself, right?
CARTMAN:
Well, if you knew that then why the fuck did you ask it, hippie?
STAN:
Because I'm trying to figure out why the hell you're still here, butt-pirate.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
I'm still here because I employ fucking idiots that can't build something as simple as a god damn death ray.
STAN plants his face in his palm.
STAN:
You need to let go of whatever it is that's keeping you here, dude, because I can't move on until you freaking do.
CARTMAN:
*tersely*
I'm not leaving until this death ray obliterates the Jew and the Pov.
STAN:
Why?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Is that the only god damn word you know how to use?
STAN:
Just answer the question, fat ass.
CARTMAN:
*tersely*
Fine. Those motherfuckers accused me of murder.
STAN:
Who was murdered?
There is a silence.
STAN:
*pissed*
Who, Cartman?
CARTMAN looks down to his feet.
STAN:
*cont'd*
And who was the murderer?
CARTMAN:
*pauses*
…I was.
STAN:
Not really an accusation when it's true, is it?
Silence.
STAN:
*cont'd*
You remember why you did it?
CARTMAN:
*slowly*
I… I thought it'd be funny…
STAN:
It wasn't, was it?
CARTMAN:
*chuckles*
It kinda was.
STAN:
Was it funny when your mom died?
CARTMAN:
*pauses*
My mom's not dead, asshole.
STAN:
I'll fill you in on a little secret, dude. I didn't find it funny when I caused that accident that took your mom's life.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
You WHAT?!
STAN:
It's just frustrating that it was her that died and not you. She was really nice for a hermaphalite crack whore.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
You killed my mom?!
STAN:
*tersely*
And get used to the idea that Kyle, Kenny, and Wendy are coming to see you.
CARTMAN:
*shocked*
What?! They found me?!
They both turn around when a door is heard opening. Three silhouettes are seen in the bright light coming from the doorway.
STAN:
*waves*
Hey, guys.
CUT TO EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL
Establishing shot.
CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL
KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY are following an elderly NURSE down the hallway.
NURSE:
I have to say, I'm very surprised. Poor Eric's been here for going on five years now and you're the first folk to inquire about him.
KYLE:
We only just discovered that he was even here. If we had known we would have been here sooner.
NURSE:
It was such a sad time then. I remember the mayor had his existence here covered up because she was afraid that someone would attempt to break in here and shoot up the place.
The three teens share a glance with each other.
WENDY:
Why would someone do that?
NURSE:
Supposedly, he was accused of murderin' a little boy ten years ago. She was afraid that someone would attempt to take misguided revenge on him.
KYLE:
Huh. I didn't know that.
NURSE:
Most folks don't. It's such a shame. Lost his momma in the same accident that almost killed him. Such a sweet little boy doesn't deserve what he was dealt.
KENNY raises an eyebrow. When they stop at a door labeled with the number 219, the NURSE puts a hand on the doorknob and turns to regard the teens.
NURSE:
Actually, I'm not supposed to let anyone in to see him ceptin' the doctors, but he needs friends like you if he's ever to recover.
WENDY:
What's exactly wrong with him?
CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE CARTMAN lands on the ground stomach first with a loud thud. Broken pieces of glass rain down around him.
CARTMAN:
*panicked, pained*
Fuck! They found me! They found me!
He gets to his feet and limps/runs towards the giant death ray mechanism.
CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Fire the death ray! Fire the death ray!
As he runs past, two LACKEYS turn to look at each other.
LACKEY 1:
Did he just say…?
LACKEY 2:
I think so.
LACKEY 1:
But it's not ready yet! There's no telling what could happen!
LACKEY 2:
You want to end up like Johnson? Just do it!
LACKEY 1:
Alright! Alright!
CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - CARTMAN'S ROOM
KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY stand around the bed that contains the emaciated and broken body of Eric CARTMAN. Several scars litter his face, head, and exposed upper body giving him an almost medical experiment gone wrong sort of look. He lacks a right arm and several fingers on his left hand. While his eyes are wide open, he seems oblivious to any and all stimuli as drool collects at the corner of his mouth.
KYLE:
*stunned*
Wow. A waking coma and life support… I never thought I'd see this.
KENNY:
*frowns*
I actually think this is worse than what I promised him.
WENDY:
*shocked*
Are you guys serious? This- This is fucking Cartman! He killed Stan! Think back on all the times that he made fun of us for being Jewish, poor, and smart! This asshole doesn't deserve the life support he's on!
KENNY:
I agree.
KYLE:
So do I, but Wendy, you need to think of it like this: if we kill him now, we'll be doing him a favor. We'll be ending his misery, if he even feels any at all.
WENDY:
Yeah, but-
KYLE:
The best course of action is to just leave him here in a state somewhere between life and death. He deserves neither and I'm not going to be the one to give him either.
KENNY:
I also agree to that.
WENDY:
And if he wakes up? Then what?
There is a small silence as KYLE and KENNY regard each other.
WENDY:
Kyle, do you want to go back to listening to him rant on about how evil the Jews are? Kenny, how about another joke about waffle and bologna sandwiches?
KYLE/KENNY:
No.
WENDY:
Do you want to put up with his bull shit later when or if he recovers or kill him now when it'd be considered a morally acceptable mercy killing and cement a continued future of peace without him?
KYLE:
I…didn't consider that.
CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN'S WAREHOUSE
CARTMAN has been backed into a corner. Blood is dripping from the corner of his mouth. His right arm hangs limply by his side and several fingers on his left are bent in several odd angles.
CARTMAN:
*panicked*
You won't fucking get away with this, assholes!
Fifteen year old versions of KYLE and KENNY, as well as nine year old WENDY, laugh devilishly.
KYLE15:
*pissed*
What do you think we should do, guys?
KENNY15 mutters something under his scarf. WENDY9 cracks her knuckles.
WENDY9:
*pissed*
I agree. I say we rip off his balls and make him eat them.
KYLE15:
*grins psychotically*
I like that idea.
CARTMAN:
*panicked*
Seriously, guys, what the fuck?!
WENDY9:
*pissed*
You killed Stan, asshole!
KYLE15:
*pissed*
If I have to suffer one more accusation about the Jews-!
KENNY15 angrily mutters something.
KYLE15:
*pissed*
Yeah! And Kenny's family eats more than just waffles, fat ass!
CARTMAN:
*panicked*
Where's my fucking death ray?!
Suddenly, an ear piercing mechanical whine fills the air that causes everyone to cover their ears in pain. CARTMAN laughs while doubled over.
CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Target these assholes!
There is a bright flash of light and suddenly a gigantic hologram of Kim Kardashian appears only to begin destroying everything in sight.
WENDY9:
*shouting*
What the fuck kind of death ray is that?!
KENNY15 screams something and points up just as a giant foot crushes the three kids in to a bloody mess. CARTMAN cheers as the Kardashian hologram roars loudly like a Godzilla monster.
CARTMAN:
*cheering*
Yeah! Take that, you sons of bitches!
He looks up when a shadow suddenly covers him. He opens his mouth to scream when suddenly it cuts to black and everything ceases to silence.
CUT TO INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - CARTMAN'S ROOM
The three teens are standing around CARTMAN's bed and staring at his body somewhat remorsefully. WENDY drops the power cable for the life support machine to the floor.
WENDY:
*puzzled*
Is…anyone else wondering why he suddenly said "Kim Kardashian, no"?
KYLE:
A little, but I think some things are best left unknown.
KENNY nods and goes to light up a cigarette, but instead leaves it unlit. WENDY continues to stare at the lifeless body in the bed.
KYLE:
So…
WENDY:
I don't feel anything.
KYLE:
Are you okay?
WENDY:
No, I mean…I thought I'd feel some kind of satisfaction with the knowledge that I had a hand in his death. Instead I feel…nothing.
KYLE:
Nothing?
WENDY:
No happiness. No remorse. No guilt. Just…
KYLE:
Nothing.
WENDY:
Yeah…
KENNY:
I hate to say it, but Cartman's death changes nothing for us. He'd been out of our lives for a very long time…along with Stan.
WENDY:
*downcast*
I know, but I was hoping that something would be different afterward. I mean, he was such an asshole causing grief for everyone so I should feel happiness in taking his miserable existence. But I should feel guilt in that he was unable to defend himself in his final moment. Instead I get…nothing.
KYLE:
I almost think that the lesson to be learned from this is that revenge is an empty gesture with nothing to be gained from it.
KENNY:
Not always, Kyle, but in this situation I'll buy it.
There is silence for moment before WENDY nods her head.
WENDY:
Yeah. I guess so. I'm certainly not getting my lost time back. And Stan…
KYLE and KENNY share a somber look.
KYLE:
Come on. We should probably get out of here before someone comes to investigate.
There is another silent moment before the three walk out of the room.
WENDY:
*off screen*
I need some ice cream…and a lot of it.
KYLE:
*off screen*
There's always the bacon maple sundae!
STAN appears at the foot of CARTMAN's bed and stares sadly at the door the three had just vacated.
WENDY:
*off screen, faintly*
Ewww! Bacon is gross, Kyle!
KENNY:
*off screen, faintly*
I bet you'd eat Kyle's bacon, right?
WENDY:
*off screen, faintly*
Actually…yes. I would have already if you hadn't interrupted this morning.
KYLE:
*off screen, faintly*
Dude!
STAN regards CARTMAN one final time before he sighs and fades from view.
KENNY:
*off screen, faintly*
Did you see some big titties, Kyle?
KYLE:
*off screen, faintly*
Dude!
STAN:
*voice over*
If only Kyle realized just how right he was. I played them all to have Cartman killed, thinking that his life was stopping me from moving on. Turns out I had never been more wrong. I'm still here, stuck between life and death, and I don't understand why.
The CAMERA focuses on the deceased CARTMAN before the scene fades to black.
STAN:
*voice over*
Tell me, is there any way I can start this over?
