Chapter Five
The Dead Babies in a Phone Booth Joke


FADE IN EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DAY
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM
WENDY is sitting on the couch watching TV. The front of the television is never seen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
-where another cow apparently exploded on the governor in a huge gory mess. We'll have more on the story after these words from our sponsors.

WENDY:
*raises an eyebrow*
Huh.

TV:
Are you trying for a little bundle of joy and just can't get pregnant? Have we got news for you!

WENDY:
*disgusted*
Eww! No!

The sound of the channel changing is heard.

MARTHA STUART:
-doesn't have to be so drab and boring! The best and most inexpensive way to make breast feeding in public more appealing to the eye is to take some ribbon and glitter-

WENDY:
*disgusted*
Oh, my god! Gross!

The channel changes and WENDY's face becomes absolutely horrified.

TV:
-as you can see within the incision of the mother's womb that the baby would never have fit through the vaginal canal sideways.

WENDY:
*horrified*
Oh, my god!

TV:
And it's a nose-less cyclops baby! Look its horn and bright red skin!

WENDY:
*screams*
Fucking gross!

The TV shuts off.

WENDY:
*disgusted*
Pregnancy is so disgusting! Why the fuck would anyone want to go through THAT?!

After a moment, WENDY answers the phone when it rings.

WENDY:
Hello?

On the other end, MRS. TESTABURGER is holding the phone to her ear with a shoulder while driving.

MRS. TESTABURGER:
Hi, sweetheart. Real quick, I just wanted to remind you that we're not getting any younger here and that you need to find yourself a man.

WENDY:
*confused*
I'm nine. What's the rush?

MRS. TESTABURGER:
Yes, dear, you keep saying that, but Mommy wants grandchildren, sweetie.

WENDY:
But-

MRS. TESTABURGER:
No, buts. Get that nice Marsh boy to father us some grandkids.

WENDY screams and throws the phone across the room. It lands somewhere with the sounds of breaking glass.

MRS. TESTABURGER:
*as a tinny faint voice*
Young lady, that better not have been my china cabinet.

WENDY screams again before waking up on the couch. She blinks in confusion before rubbing her eyes.

WENDY:
I really need to get out of the house more often.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON is writing the words "Child Development" on the chalkboard.

MR. GARRISON:
Okay, class. Can anyone tell me what child development is?

The room is silent.

MR. GARRISON:
Clyde? How about you?

CLYDE:
Um, isn't that where they make people into robots?

MR. GARRISON:
No, that's cyborg development, dumbass. Nice try.
*pauses*
Kenny?

KENNY:
[Is that when a man puts his penis in a vagina?]

MR. GARRISON:
Good guess, Kenny, but no. We'll be covering that in photography class next week.

STAN:
Is Cartman's mom posing nude for pictures?

The class laughs.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Ay! I'll kick you in the balls, hippie!

MR. GARRISON:
*snickering*
All right, calm down, tubby.

CARTMAN grunts.

MR. GARRISON:
Anyway, class, child development is a new curricular that will enlighten you on how to take care of your unplanned newborn children when you all get drunk or high within the next few years and decide to have that unprotected sex you'll learn about from that Hannah Montana skank you're all so crazy for.

The class is silent and possibly a little confused.

MR. GARRISON:
This is a mandatory curricular-

The class groans as a collective whole.

MR. GARRISON:
Yes, mandatory! -that will have you working together with your partner in caring for a creepy lifeless looking doll that wets itself when you pour water down its throat like that bottle of Jack Daniels that you'll be driven to after the first day.

WENDY angrily raises her hand.

MR. GARRISON:
Yes, Wendy?

WENDY:
Mr. Garrison, I fail to see why this should be mandatory. What if some of us don't want to be involved with children?

MR. GARRISON:
It's mandatory because half the class is full of girls.

WENDY:
*pissed*
What does that have to do with anything?!

MR. GARRISON:
I'm sorry, Wendy, but it has everything to do with it. All you women do once you hit thirteen is shoot babies out your poontangs like it's some kind of sport, comparing your amount of time in labor and facts about your dumbass kids like retard old men spouting off sports statistics.

WENDY:
But that's precisely why I'm not interested!

MR. GARRISON:
I don't care if you're interested or not. I mean, do you really think I want to teach you retards this? I don't know anything about babies. I have freaky gay sex every night with hot anonymous partners in a truck stop men's room.

KENNY:
*hushed*
[Only thing you get from that is the white diarrhea.]

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY stifle a laugh.

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
I don't get it.

WENDY:
*pissed*
But, Mr. Garrison-

MR. GARRISON:
For God's sake, Wendy! Just shut the hell up and learn to take it up the ass like the rest of us!

There is a moment of silence as WENDY seethes at her desk.

MR. GARRISON:
Speaking of taking it, here's who you're all partnered with. Now we have an odd number of students in the class and I've paired you all "randomly" as I saw fit. So come up and get your "babies" when I call your names.


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA
The boys are seated at their table with their lunches. WENDY can be seen ranting to the other girls plus BUTTERS at the table behind them.

STAN:
I dunno about you guys, but I've got some mixed feelings about this project.

KYLE:
I don't see it as a project, dude. It's torture.

As if on cue, the doll in the sling on KYLE's back starts with an annoying high pitch wailing. KYLE slumps his head and shoulders forward in defeat and takes the doll in his arms. When he rocks it back and forth, the wailing stops.

KENNY:
[That's like the third time in five minutes.]

KYLE:
Jesus Christ. Mr. Garrison was right. I don't know who Jack Daniels is, but I'd let him pee down my throat if it'll make this shit go away.

STAN:
Don't you have a serious hate for pee, dude?

KYLE:
*tersely*
Let's not go there.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
I just can't believe that asshole paired me with Butters! BUTTERS!

STAN:
Yeah? So? I don't see what the big deal is, dude.

CARTMAN:
Well, of course you don't, Stan. You got paired with Bebe and her huge knockers!

STAN:
*shrugs*
Still clueless here.

CARTMAN:
I don't want you guys thinking that I'm gay for a melvin!

KENNY:
[This coming from the guy who takes pictures of his dick in dudes' mouths.]

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Goddammit, Kenny! That was one time!

STAN:
Don't worry about it, Cartman. You being paired with Butters doesn't change our opinion of you.

CARTMAN:
It doesn't?

STAN:
No.

KYLE:
Yeah. We actually always had a feeling that you were gay for Butters anyway.

CARTMAN:
*tersely*
What.

STAN:
Well, you do always pick on him hardcore.

KYLE:
You're always sneaking over to his house late at night...

KENNY:
[And you've taken a photo of your dick in his mouth.]

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Shut up, Kinny! You poor piece of crap!

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY laugh until KYLE's fake baby starts crying again. KYLE rolls his eyes in frustration and rocks it back and forth.

STAN:
Damn, dude. That's fucked how Wendy just pawned that thing off on to you.

KYLE:
I know, right? I mean, I don't want to deal with this any more than she does.

STAN:
*shrugs*
I think I got lucky. Bebe practically ripped the thing from my hands and said something about being partnered with me just so she could get the baby...or something. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention.

KENNY:
[I don't have to do shit either. I got two ladies to look after my babies!]

CARTMAN:
How the fuck did you get paired with Red AND Annie and I get fucked over with the stupid melvin?! Why couldn't I get two chicks or, better yet, Bebe?

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY look at each other for a moment before going back to CARTMAN.

STAN:
Because you're a fat ass?

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit, you guys!

At the girls' table, WENDY is ranting up a storm with the girls and BUTTERS, all of whom are not really giving her much attention.

WENDY:
*pissed*
I mean, is he fucking serious?! What part of "I don't want to be involved with children" did he not understand?!

BUTTERS:
Whuh-why, if'n you ask me, I think you're makin' a muh-mountain out of a molehill.

All the girls plus BUTTERS cuddle their dolls.

BEBE:
Yeah. It's not so bad. I think little Shaneiqua is so ADORABLE!

RED:
Nah-unh! My darling Chaz is so much cuter!

WENDY gives the others a bored and annoyed look.

BUTTERS:
Well, you can say what you want, but I think my Corporal Punishment is one heck of a little guy.

WENDY:
Wait.
*raises an eyebrow*
You named your doll "Corporal Punishment"?

BUTTERS:
Well, Eric didn't want to, but I showed him, buh-boy howdy. We'll raise our son to be big and tough and have him beat up our enemies.

The girls stare at BUTTERS with their mouths slightly open.

BUTTERS:
What?

WENDY:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
*exasperated*
You people are all delusional! They're dolls, not real babies!

All the dolls start making high pitched wailing noises.

BUTTERS:
Aw, hamburgers! What'd you have ta go'n upset Corporal Punishment for?!

BEBE:
*pissed*
Jesus, Wendy! What's your problem?!

RED:
You'd probably feel differently if you actually cared for your baby instead of pawning him off onto Kyle all the time!

ANNIE:
Yeah! You're a horrible mommy!

WENDY screams in frustration, throws her lunch tray to the floor, and storms off. KYLE turns in her direction as she passes by and runs off after her. STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY regard each other in confusion. The girls and BUTTERS return to tending to their screaming dolls.

BUTTERS:
*motherly*
Shh... Thuh-there, there, Corporal Punishment. The mean ol' bitch is gone now. Give me a smile!

BUTTERS' doll burps and makes a creepy giggling sound.

ANNIE:
Awww...! That's so adorable!


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
WENDY storms up to her locker, opens it, and then just stares at the contents inside. KYLE comes up beside her with the doll wailing in the sling on his back. Her eyes get narrower with every screech.

WENDY:
*tersely*
I don't want it.

KYLE:
Dude! I don't think it's fair to just pass this entirely off on to me! We're supposed to be working together with this!

WENDY:
*tersely*
I said I don't want it.

KYLE steps between her and her locker.

KYLE:
*pissed*
Dude! Seriously, any other time you'd be preaching about equality or some other crap.

WENDY opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by the screeching doll and KYLE's reaction to it.

KYLE:
*tersely*
Jesus Christ!

In one fluid movement, he rips the doll from his back, stuffs it in her locker, and slams the door shut.

KYLE:
*pissed*
Shut the fuck up, asshole!

The screeching can still be heard, but not as loudly. WENDY narrows her eyes at KYLE.

WENDY:
Get that thing out of my locker.

KYLE:
Not until you agree to help me with this.

WENDY:
I'm not wasting my life away by taking care of some screeching snot nosed shit machine!

KYLE:
No one's saying that you have to! I'm just saying that you need to help me with this PROJECT for the week! Note the keyword here.

She glares at him. At this point a crowd has started to gather to investigate the sound of the constant muffled crying. MR. MACKEY and PRINCIPAL VICTORIA are amongst them.

KYLE:
And don't you dare tell me that you don't care about your grades because I know better.

WENDY:
*sighs*
Here comes the guilt tripping.

KYLE:
Dude, I don't want to fight over this. I just want to understand why you're trying so hard to dump this entire project on me.

WENDY:
I want nothing to do with kids. That should be reason enough.

KYLE:
And that makes it okay to just leave me with it? What about what I want?

WENDY:
Just leave me alone, Kyle!

WENDY storms off as MR. MACKEY approaches.

MR. MACKEY:
Kyle! Why did you put your baby in a locker? ...Mmkay?

KYLE:
It won't shut up!

MR. MACKEY:
Young man, you take that baby out of that locker and march yourself to my office right now! ...Mmkay?

KYLE:
*sighs*
Fine. Except it's locked and I don't know the combination.

MR. MACKEY:
Mmkay.
*yells*
Mr. Venezuela! Locker keys, por favor!


CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT
Establishing shot. All is quiet until a screeching baby's cry is heard. Several lights in the house and several nearby houses suddenly come on.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM - NIGHT
KYLE, lying in bed, covers his bloodshot eyes with his hands when another second muffled wail comes from another part of the house.

GERALD:
*off screen, muffled*
Kyle, will you do something about that thing? It's woken up your brother again!

KYLE flops back to his bed and groans in frustration.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - MORNING KYLE is sleepily sitting at the table attempting to eat a bowl of cereal. His brother IKE sits nearby in his highchair. KYLE's eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are slightly sunken in. Every time he goes to put a spoonful of cereal in his mouth the doll on the chair nearby wails for attention which prompts a dirty look from IKE. After the third attempt to eat, KYLE angrily swats the bowl off the table sending milk and soggy cereal everywhere.

IKE:
Kyle!

KYLE:
*pissed*
Can you shut up for five god damn minutes?!

The doll continues to wail.

KYLE:
*pissed*
What do you want from me?!

The doll continues to wail as GERALD and SHEILA watch from the doorway.

KYLE:
*pissed*
I swear to god that if you don't shut up I'm going to put you in a blender!

IKE:
*pissed*
Bah bah baba!

SHEILA:
*horrified*
Kyle! That is no way to speak to a baby!

KYLE:
*pissed*
It's just a battery operated doll that hates me!

SHEILA picks up the doll and rocks it back and forth, silencing its crying.

SHEILA:
That doesn't matter, bubbala. For the intents and purposes of your project it is a real baby that you must take care of.

KYLE:
*pissed*
But I didn't want it in the first place! And my partner just abandoned me with this thing!

GERALD:
Sometimes, Kyle, you just have to accept responsibilities as they come to you and do the best you can.

SHEILA:
That's right, bubbie. Just look at Ms. Cartman all alone raising a child...

GERALD:
Must be hell raising a fat bastard like that on her own.

SHEILA:
Gerald!

KYLE:
No, it's true, mom. Cartman is a fat bastard.

SHEILA:
Kyle! Language!


CUT TO EXT. THE PARK
BEBE, RED, ANNIE, and BUTTERS are sitting on a blanket under a tree. The girls are dressing up their dolls in cute outfits while BUTTERS watches with his own.

BEBE:
-then I said to Stan "Don't worry about the baby, baby. I got this. Just go work or something."

RED:
We pretty much did the same thing with Kenny. Boys are so clueless.

BUTTERS:
Yuh-yeah. Eric tried flushing Corporal Punishment down the toilet last night because he was cranky.

BEBE:
Who was cranky? Cartman or the baby?

BUTTERS:
Well, they both were... Anways, I grabbed Corporal Punishment from him and told him to go right to Heck.

RED:
Oh, wow! Did you storm off?

BUTTERS:
You bet, I did, buh-boy howdy! Nobody's hurtin' my baby!

RED:
You go, girl!

The girls, and BUTTERS, look up when WENDY walks past with several books in her arms.

RED:
Hey, Wendy! Where's your baby at?

WENDY:
You know damn well I don't have one.

BEBE:
Don't lie, Wendy. Lying makes your ass bigger.

ANNIE:
Nah. Her ass is huge 'cause she still hasn't worked off that baby fat yet.

WENDY:
I am not fat!

BUTTERS:
Whatever, fuh-fat ass. You're just jealous that you can't handle being a mommy!

WENDY:
But I don't-

RED:
Yeah! Enjoy those massive love handles, whore!

ANNIE:
Fat whore!

BEBE:
Fat baby-less whore!

WENDY scowls at the group and hurries off to a far corner of the park. She sits on the ground against a tree with a huff and opens one of her books. She looks up with an annoyed expression when a shadow falls over her.

WENDY:
*tersely*
You better just fu-
*surprised*
Kyle?

KYLE tosses the noiseless baby doll to her feet and plops down beside her.

WENDY:
*confused*
It's not...

KYLE:
My mom wanted me to go about this on my own. Fuck that. I removed the batteries.

WENDY picks up the doll to discover that its back was completely destroyed in the battery removal process.

WENDY:
Wow... More like you tore it a new asshole.

KYLE:
So, I'm going to ask you one more time...

WENDY:
Kyle, I want noth-

KYLE:
Alright. I'm stopping you right there.

WENDY:
Huh?

KYLE:
*facepalms*
You're just as bad as everyone else with this. It's a fucking doll, not a baby. You don't want anything to do with babies. I get that. After the last few days of hell I've come to the same conclusion. I've had no sleep, very little to eat, and missed playing Thirst for Blood with the guys because this piece of crap demanded my attention all hours of the god damn day. I'm just so tired of being tired and all the damn crying and the crying and the...fucking crying...

WENDY:
*apologetic*
Kyle, I'm...sorry I put you through that.
*sighs*
I'm just so used to having arguments with my mother about babies that I...

KYLE:
I actually feel better now that I got that out of my system. The silence is...nice too.

The two are silent for a moment.

WENDY:
I'll help you with this, Kyle. We'll put the batteries back in, write that report that Mr. Garrison wants and then put the whole mess behind us.

There is a another silence.

WENDY:
Kyle?

KYLE has fallen asleep on her shoulder. WENDY smiles and rests her head on his.


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON is bored at his desk while CLYDE and a random ginger girl finish up their oral report.

MR. GARRISON:
*sarcastically*
Thank you, Clyde and Ginger, for that riveting tale of how many times a baby crapped on you.

CARTMAN laughs as the two take their seats.

MR. GARRISON:
Alright. Next I want to hear from...Kyle and Wendy.

The two walk up to the front of the class with the doll and a backpack in tow.

KYLE:
So...you want to do this?

WENDY:
No. You go ahead. It's only fair.

KYLE:
'Kay.

He sets his pack on the floor and pulls out a miniature Dr. Who Tardis which is then set on MR. GARRISON's desk.

KYLE:
Okay. To start off this report, I'd like to ask a question. How many dead babies can you fit into a phone booth?

All the kids look confused, except for CARTMAN who sports a smirk and an effort to stifle his laugh.

KYLE:
Anyone?

MR. GARRISON:
Kyle, what the hell does this have to do with raising children?

WENDY:
We're getting there, Mr. Garrison.

KYLE:
I learned something over the course of the week.

KYLE pulls a blender and a small bottle of water out of his pack and sets them next to the Tardis. He grabs the doll from WENDY's arms, stuffs it into the blender, adds some water, and turns the machine on. The class stares in shock.

KYLE:
*shouting over the noise*
Raising kids sucks ass. It sucks your sanity dry, the fun out of life, and the life out of relationships. Aside from my little brother, I want nothing to do with children in the future.

He turns the blender off, revealing a flesh colored liquid mass inside.

KYLE:
Of course, the best way to resolve that is to prevent babies before they happen. But failing that...

He pours the liquid mass into the Tardis until the glass is empty. He closes the booth's door and sets it back on the desk. The pink mass can be seen through the tiny windows. CLYDE and BUTTERS start crying when a single eye floats up to the top window and stares out. CARTMAN laughs and pounds a fist on his desk.

KYLE:
How many dead babies can you fit into a phone booth? The answer is "As many as it takes." How can you fit more inside? "A blender."

WENDY snickers.

KYLE:
Any questions?

CARTMAN raises his hand.

KYLE:
Cartman?

CARTMAN:
So, what's the best way to get them back out of the phone booth?

WENDY:
*matter-of-factly*
Doritos.

MR. GARRISON and the entire class, except the laughing CARTMAN, stare horrified at KYLE and WENDY.

MR. GARRISON:
*horrified*
Kyle, you do realize that you just destroyed a five hundred dollar doll?

WENDY gasps.

KYLE:
Wait. What?

MR. GARRISON:
And I'm afraid that's money you'll have to pay back to the school board.

KYLE:
*pissed, mutters*
God dammit.