Chapter Seven
All Along the Time Rift (Incomplete)
Notes: The Unfinished Chapter. See the end for more notes.
FADE IN
EXT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY – DAY
Establishing shot. The building looks like a Denny's with a cancerous truck stop of a growth hanging off its side.
INT. DENNY'S FAIRPLAY – DINING ROOM
In the back of the dining room, two teenagers are treating each other like all you can eat kissing buffets. This loud activity continues for a beat until a high speed spitwad lands on TEEN GIRL's cheek, which then promptly falls into her exposed cleavage.
TEEN GIRL:
Eww! Gross!
TEEN GIRL and TEEN BOY look around before spotting the snickering KYLE and WENDY at a table nearby.
TEEN MALE:
What da hell's yo' problem, twerps?
KYLE and WENDY briefly share a look.
WENDY:
Our problem is that we're trying to eat here. Do you freaking mind?
KYLE:
Yeah. It's hard to talk when we've got you two making barnyard noises behind us.
KYLE shirks back in fear when TEEN MALE stands and brandishes a knife.
TEEN MALE:
*pissed*
Yo, dawg, I'll cut ya 'till ya squeal!
Suddenly, TEEN MALE's overly baggy pants fall to his ankles and trip him up, sending him to the floor prompting the two children to laugh. The knife skids across the floor and stops under the boot of TINY, a big burly African-American truck driver.
TINY:
*grins*
Ay, boy, if'n ya'll want yer knife beck, I's got room fer two mer in mah sexteen wheela.
TEEN GIRL chokes out a gasp as TEEN MALE picks himself and his pants up.
TINY:
*cont'd*
And if'n ya'll wants squealin', I reckin' I could makes ta both of yas squeal like lettle piggies!
TEEN GIRL wastes no time running out the door with a scream. TEEN MALE seems to consider doing something, but decides better of it and bolts as well. His pants fall again and trip him out the door. KYLE and WENDY laugh.
KYLE:
Thanks for the save, Tiny!
TINY:
*nods*
No warries, li'l man! Ya'll made me laugh sumthin' fierce!
*chuckles, low*
"Barnyard noises..."
WENDY raises an eyebrow.
WENDY:
Kyle, do you know that guy?
KYLE:
No. Why?
WENDY:
How did you know his name was Tiny?
KYLE:
Simple. He's a big scary truck driver. The odds that his name would be the opposite of how he looks are nearly a hundred to one.
WENDY:
I suppose...
KYLE:
Also, while we were waiting for our food I overheard the waitress call him that in a friendly way.
WENDY:
Huh...
WENDY shoves a forkful of pancakes into her mouth.
KYLE:
So, let me see if I'm understanding your predicament correctly.
WENDY:
*chews*
Mmm.
KYLE:
You fell asleep out of boredom while reading Twilight.
WENDY:
*chews*
Mmm.
KYLE:
Then you had another futuristic dream.
WENDY:
*swallows*
Yeah.
KYLE:
Then when you woke up you had a...seizure like event...as you aptly put it.
WENDY:
*chews*
Mmm.
KYLE:
Huh. How strange.
WENDY:
*swallows*
I know, right? It hurt like hell, but was totally awesome at the same time.
KYLE:
You know, I once overheard my dad say that people who like pain are Satanists.
WENDY drops her fork in a panic.
WENDY:
*panicked*
I'm not a Satanist!
KYLE:
You must be if you like pain.
WENDY:
*panicked*
Not all pain!
KYLE:
Dude... Have you recently accepted the dark lord as your lord and savior?
WENDY:
*panicked*
No! I'm Catholic!
KYLE:
Huh. I don't know then.
WENDY frowns and makes a slight noise. She picks up her fork and continues demolishing her pancakes. The ground suddenly and briefly shakes, causing the two and others in the background to look around in confusion. After shrugging it off, KYLE takes a mozzarella stick, dips it in marinara, and bites it.
WENDY:
*swallows*
I really wish I knew how it happened so that I could reproduce it.
*sighs*
I wish I could share that feeling with-
She suddenly gets a surprised look on her face and fidgets in her seat. KYLE raises an eyebrow in concern.
KYLE:
You okay?
WENDY:
I'm not sure. Thinking about it is making me feel funny. Kinda like butterflies in the stomach, but lower.
KYLE:
Your ass?
The ground shakes again but with more violence.
KYLE:
What the hell is that?
WENDY:
I don't-
WENDY suddenly falls through the ground with a scream as a giant sinkhole opens up underneath. KYLE stares in shock.
KYLE:
Dude!
The sinkhole expands to swallow him up as well.
KYLE:
*screams*
Dude!
CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM
STAN is lazily sprawled on the couch watching TV.
PHILLIP:
Say, Terrance?
TERRANCE:
Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP:
I'm getting this terrible, horrible sinking feeling!
TERRANCE:
It might be because of the quicksand, Phillip!
The two are indeed sinking in quicksand. STAN laughs.
PHILLIP:
Oh, balls! Do you have any ideas on how to get out of this dastardly trap?
TERRANCE:
Indeed, I do, Phillip! Only by farting as one can we both escape this smelly hole!
PHILLIP:
Very well, Terrance! Let us give it a try for the glory of Canada! On the count of three! One! Two! Thr-
TV:
We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin!
STAN:
*pissed*
Awww!
A close-up of the TV reveals NEWSCASTER TOM sitting at his desk. He taps his papers on the desk before addressing the camera.
NEWSCASTER TOM:
This just in! The Denny's on 285 just outside Fairplay has collapsed into a sinkhole!
STAN suddenly sits up straight with a look of horror.
STAN:
*horrified*
Dude!
NEWSCASTER TOM:
Check out this amateur shot footage!
Mobile phone footage of the Denny's and its surrounding parking lot collapsing into a giant hole is shown on the screen. Several men and women can be heard screaming.
RANDY:
*off screen on the TV*
Wow! I've never seen anything like it!
STAN:
*shocked*
Dad?!
A car suddenly rolls backwards into the giant sinkhole causing several more people to scream.
NEWSCASTER TOM:
A geologist on the scene had this to say-
The scene on the TV suddenly cuts to a live feed outside the former Denny's where RANDY is being interviewed by female reporter TINE EDICT.
RANDY:
The new Blackberry is amazing! It's better than my old one!
STAN pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.
STAN:
Jesus Christ, Dad.
TINE:
Yes, we know it is, Mr. Marsh, but I asked for your opinion on the giant sinkhole behind you.
RANDY:
Oh... Yeah...
*pauses*
It's probably the only thing bigger than Rosie O'Donnell's ass.
CUT TO INT. UNDERNEATH THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S
Pitch blackness. KYLE coughs.
KYLE:
*pained*
Aw, fuck. That didn't feel good.
Several scuffling noises are heard along with some blips of a cellphone. A bright blue tinged light suddenly illuminates everything in front of KYLE, while the screen of his phone illuminates his face. While details cannot be clearly seen, KYLE's left eye is closed and blood is smeared around his nose.
KYLE:
*pained*
Damn. No signal.
As he shines the light around, bits and pieces of the somewhat intact Denny's dining room can be seen. Several other patrons were clearly not as lucky as he was, either crushed by timber, rock, or car or impaled by stalagmite. A few survivors groan in the background.
KYLE:
*pained*
Wendy?
He crawls off the remains of the table he landed on and wanders around until he comes to a small incline. He stops and shines the light around again.
KYLE:
*shouts*
Wendy?
His voice echoes throughout the chamber. Slow dripping water is heard. After a pause, he slides down the incline and continues walking until he reaches an entrance to a corridor. An underground stream can be heard in the background.
KYLE:
What the hell is that?!
He hastily approaches a purple coat snagged on a rocky outcropping. He picks it up with a concerned look on his face.
KYLE:
She came this way... But why?
*shouts*
Wendy? Where are you?
Further down the corridor, in a small illuminated room, WENDY is staring directly into the CAMERA with her mouth slightly agape. A bleeding gash is located above her right eye along with several scrapes on her chest. Her pink camisole is adorned with rainbows, clouds, unicorns, and blood stains.
WENDY:
*awed*
It's beautiful.
KYLE:
*off screen, echoes*
Wendy?
She reaches out to touch whatever the light source is, but pulls her hand back in a moment of hesitation. KYLE appears in the rocky doorway behind her and gasps in awe when he sees whatever she is staring at.
KYLE:
*awed*
Wow.
CUT TO EXT. THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S
STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY approach the crime scene tape blocking off access to the site. KENNY lifts up said tape and waves the other two through before going underneath himself. Nearby police officers completely ignore them. Further in, they approach the edge of the sinkhole. RANDY can be seen in the background pacing near a makeshift tent and various computer equipment.
CARTMAN:
You sure the Jew was here?
KENNY shrugs. STAN, not paying attention, peers over the edge. Nothing but darkness can be seen.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
God dammit, asshole! I'm talkin' ta you!
STAN:
*confused*
Huh?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Are you sure the Jew was here, I said!
STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
Seriously, fat ass? His parents drove us here.
CARTMAN:
*blinks*
Oh, yeah.
STAN:
*flatly*
Retard.
STAN nudges a chunk of asphalt into the hole. There is silence for several beats until the sound of the chunk hitting solid ground and shattering is heard.
CARTMAN:
He's dead, dude.
STAN:
No way, dude. He's gotta be down there somewhere.
CARTMAN:
*laughs*
I'm sure he's down there all right. Prolly pushing up the daisies or, more realistically, splattered under an SUV.
CARTMAN imitates a splattering sound before laughing diabolically. STAN and KENNY share unimpressed looks.
STAN:
Not funny, fat ass.
CARTMAN:
Of course, you wouldn't find it funny!
KENNY shakes his head.
STAN:
I'm gonna see if there's a way down there.
KENNY:
[I'll help!]
The two wander off.
CARTMAN:
So, what? Am I the only sane person who finds this funny?!
STAN:
*off screen*
Not funny, fat ass!
CARTMAN:
God dammit, Stan! Stop bein' a hippie!
The CAMERA cuts closer to RANDY as he continues pacing back and forth with a stressed look on his face. A second geologist sits at a nearby computer terminal.
RANDY:
It just doesn't make any sense!
GEOLOGIST:
The appearance of the sinkhole?
RANDY:
No! My Blackberry has WIFI. My laptop has WIFI. Why can't I sync my documents with WIFI?!
GEOLOGIST:
Randy, don't we have more pressing matters at the moment?
RANDY:
No! Think about it! You can sync documents with a USB cable! Hell, you can even track it with GPS!
STAN, KENNY, and CARTMAN approach RANDY from behind.
STAN:
Dad, we want to go down there.
RANDY:
*pissed*
But why can't I use the WIFI?!
STAN:
Dad!
RANDY:
*pissed*
I should be able to use my devices how I want!
STAN:
*shouts*
Dad!
RANDY:
*pissed*
What?!
*normal*
Oh, hey, boys.
STAN:
*points to the sinkhole*
We want to go down there.
RANDY:
Oh, okay. There's a rope over there somewhere.
RANDY turns back to his laptop.
RANDY:
I will make you work!
STAN looks to the other boys and shrugs.
STAN:
That was easier than I was expecting.
They walk off screen.
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Your dad's a retard, dude.
RANDY:
*yelling*
Make sure you wear hard hats!
GEOLOGIST:
Uh, Randy? You sure that's wise letting your son and his friends go down there by themselves?
RANDY:
God dammit!
He looks up in confusion.
RANDY:
*cont'd*
Wha-? Oh, yeah. He'll be fine. They've got hard hats.
CUT TO INT. UNDERNEATH THE SITE OF THE FORMER DENNY'S
KYLE and WENDY are staring at a large ring of bluish light. Inside the ring is a freezer full of boxes of various shapes and sizes. WENDY, still uncertain, reaches out and touches the ring of light. The light, and the image, ripple at her touch. A restaurant worker enters the freezer, grabs a box and exits again. WENDY quickly pulls her hand back and regards KYLE.
WENDY:
I've...never seen anything like this.
KYLE walks around the ring.
KYLE:
I wonder what it is?
WENDY:
A faerie ring?
KYLE:
What's that?
WENDY:
A ring of power that serves as a portal for faeries and otherworldly beings to enter our reality.
*pauses*
I think.
KYLE:
Huh.
As he stops at his original position, another worker resembling an adult KENNY enters, silently screams, and punches a rather large box in frustration. KYLE and WENDY stare silently for a moment before regarding each other again.
KYLE:
Maybe it's a way out?
WENDY:
You think so?
KYLE:
It's either that or we wait for a search party.
WENDY looks down at her torn and bloody clothing.
WENDY:
You think TV cameras will show up too?
KYLE:
Dude, from what I saw the entire Denny's was swallowed by this cave. That's big news.
WENDY:
Damn! I don't think there's much of a choice.
She approaches the ring of light and places a hand on the image again causing it to ripple once more.
KYLE:
What do you mean?
WENDY:
Do you really think I want to be on TV looking like I just lost a drunken bar fight?
KYLE:
Does it really matter? I mean, I think my nose is broken...
WENDY:
You're not a girl, Kyle, so you won't understand.
There is a pause and the sound of large rocks falling elsewhere. The two look back, startled.
KYLE:
Well?
WENDY:
Don't rush me!
KYLE:
I thought you didn't want to wait for the search party?
WENDY:
I'm mustering up my courage! We don't exactly know what this is or where it goes.
KYLE:
From the looks of it, it leads to a restaurant.
WENDY:
Alright, smart ass.
The image in the ring shifts to outside the Broflovski residence.
KYLE:
Hey! That's my house!
Back at drop point zero, STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY slide down a rope one by one. They each reach up and turn on the lights mounted on their hard hats. Dead bodies, broken cars, and debris litter the large open cave/restaurant dining room.
STAN:
Damn, dude. This is pretty fucked up right here.
CARTMAN throws a rock at an SUV caught on an incline higher up and laughs when it falls and crushes the body of a dead man. STAN and KENNY jump at the impact.
STAN:
Cartman! What the hell are you doing?!
A few stray pebbles fall from the ceiling of the cave.
CARTMAN:
What?
STAN:
You trying to bring the whole thing down on top of us?!
KENNY:
[Yeah!]
CARTMAN:
*scoffs*
Don't be such an asshole, Stan. I was just making sure that it wouldn't crush us later if we have to make a quick escape...y'know, because of zombies.
KENNY shakes his head and wanders ahead.
STAN:
I swear to god, if you get me killed I'll come back to haunt you, fat ass.
CARTMAN:
Pfft. Whatever. I ain't afraid of no ghost.
The two follow KENNY's lead through the now shattered double door entrance of the building.
STAN:
You should be. I'll revenge kill you.
CARTMAN:
How?
*laughs*
By shouting "Boo!" at me?
STAN:
Whatever. Just look for Kyle.
CARTMAN:
Do we have to? Can't I just throw more rocks at cars?
STAN:
Cartman!
CARTMAN:
Alright! Alright!
*wanders off*
Jesus!
STAN walks to a pile of debris and lifts up a small rock.
STAN:
Kyle? You in there?
CARTMAN waves a dollar bill in the air while whistling as if calling a dog.
CARTMAN:
Here Jew! Here boy! I've got a treat for ya!
*pauses*
It's a dollar!
KENNY:
*off screen*
[Oh my god!]
STAN:
What is it, Kenny?
CARTMAN:
*scared*
Is it zuh-zombies?
KENNY walks up to them while holding WENDY's jacket up for inspection. A worried expression is seen in his eyes. The other two boys stare at it, confused.
STAN:
Is that Wendy's jacket?
CARTMAN:
*sniffs the air*
I smell tree huggin'-
*sniffs*
-hypocrisy and-
*sniffs*
-bull-shit feminism.
When CARTMAN screeches with a sneeze on both STAN and KENNY, they flick the moisture from their arms with disgusted looks.
CARTMAN:
Yup. Definitely the hippie.
STAN:
*pissed*
Fucking gross, dude.
Back at KYLE and WENDY, the two jump at a loud screeching sound.
KYLE:
What the hell was that?!
WENDY:
I don't think I want to find out!
KYLE:
Wait!
She rushes into the ring and disappears.
KYLE:
Wendy! Dammit!
He follows suit and as he disappears, the image in the ring changes to that of a field containing a large mound of rocks. There is silence for a beat before STAN and CARTMAN can be heard bickering further down the rocky corridor.
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
I don't know why this surprises you.
STAN:
*off screen*
I didn't say I was surprised. I said I called shenanigans.
When KENNY passes in front of the entrance, he stops and looks at the ring just in time to see it disappear. He raises an eyebrow as if he's unsure of what he saw.
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Well, it's true. The doctor told me that I'm allergic to hippies.
KENNY shrugs his shoulders and continues walking.
STAN:
No, he didn't. I was there for that. He said honeysuckle, retard.
CARTMAN:
Well, hippies like flowers so that makes me allergic by proxy.
STAN:
*off screen, sighs*
I'm done arguing with you, Cartman. Just look for Kyle and Wendy.
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Can't we do both?
STAN's groan echoes throughout the cave system.
CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE – KYLE'S ROOM – ORIGINAL TIME
A half-naked ADULT WENDY removes herself from the fully clothed ADULT KYLE passed out on the bed and scrunches up her face in annoyance.
ADULT WENDY:
*mutters*
God dammit.
She turns towards the bedroom door, but doesn't get too far before becoming engulfed in a bright white light that engulfs her entire body. After a moment, the light abruptly disappears and she falls to the floor with a cry.
ADULT WENDY:
*hushed*
Good god! I feel like I've been hit by a bus.
Notes: After entering the portal, Wendy is sent into the body of her future self in the original timeline. After some hijinks of getting used to a different center of gravity, Adult Kyle takes her to City Hall to confront Mayor McDaniels about Cartman. McDaniels reveals that she covered the whole thing up because she is Cartman's biological mother (this was plotted long before the reveal of Cartman's real father on the show) and then has Barbrady (who had been under her desk the entire time) arrest them for Cartman's death.
Back in the present, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny find evidence that Denny's had been kidnapping overweight truck drivers and slaughtering them to use as a cheap meat alternative. They free those held hostage and Cartman brings an SUV down on the demented restaurant manager by way of a thrown rock. Meanwhile, Randy continues to struggle getting his Blackberry to sync to his computer via WIFI.
In the future, Sheila catches wind of Adult Kyle and Wendy's arrest and, with Randy, Sharon, and Gerald, organizes a protest in front of city hall. The entire town joins in and it soon turns violent. Jimbo and Ned storm the building and exit moments later with Mayor McDaniels held at gunpoint. Meanwhile, Kenny, Karen, and Ike outwit Officer Barbrady and break Kyle and Wendy out of jail. They join the protest.
SHARON:
My son deserves justice!
MCDANIELS:
So does mine.
Wendy gets hit on the head in the fight that breaks out. When she wakes up, she's in a hospital bed back in the present. Kyle tells her that she had been found with a head injury days later face down in the snow outside city hall and that everyone was perplexed about the distance she had traveled. He mentions that he had reappeared suddenly in the town square.
KYLE:
What did you see?
WENDY:
I'm not sure. It was so...surreal, like a dream. I'm still trying to make sense of it. What about you?
KYLE:
*flatly*
I'd rather not talk about it.
The chapter would then end with Randy successfully managing to sync his Blackberry via WIFI, though by his admission it failed more than not and was slow as balls. He then wins an award from the Crackberry website for most useless app ever designed and sells the rights to the technology to Apple.
