Chapter Eight
Ironing Board Girl and the Moldy Cheese Situation
FADE IN EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - DAY
Establishing shot. STAN and KYLE can be heard shouting in frustration.
CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM
STAN and KYLE are playing a video game as CARTMAN and KENNY spectate.
STAN:
Dude! What the fuck?!
KYLE:
Sorry, dude! It's so freaking hard to aim in this game!
CARTMAN:
It's 'cause you suck and you're a Jew!
STAN:
Dude! You did it again!
KYLE:
Well, then stop moving in front of me when my fist and foot go huge!
STAN:
Dude! Stop attacking me!
CARTMAN and KENNY laugh.
KYLE:
Can't we turn off friendly fire?
CARTMAN:
It's called give Cartman the controller so he can get you pussies passed the first level.
KYLE:
Shut up, fat ass. You're not much better at this-
STAN stares blankly at the TV.
STAN:
Dude... You killed all my guys!
KYLE:
What?! Why is it game over for me too?!
CARTMAN:
I told you, Kahl. Battletoads shows no mercy.
KYLE:
Fucking seriously?! How the hell is this game even playable? We're either getting killed or killing each other!
STAN:
More like you keep killing me...
KYLE:
Why do you even have this game? It's older than we are.
CARTMAN:
It's been all over the internet.
STAN:
So you bought it off eBay?
CARTMAN:
*laughs*
Pfft! Yeah. Okay. More like I stole it and the Nintendo from those nerds down the street.
KYLE:
You what?
CARTMAN:
I left a note thanking them!
The other three boys stare at CARTMAN.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
What?
KYLE shakes his head in disgust as STAN tosses his controller to CARTMAN.
CARTMAN:
Don't judge me, Kahl!
*sighs*
I swear to God, you so much as hit me I'll wrap this controller around your neck.
KYLE:
Just shut up and put up, fat ass.
The game starts and the boys start mashing buttons. This goes on for a little bit until STAN and KENNY laugh and CARTMAN throws his controller across the room.
CARTMAN:
*screaming*
God damn it, Kahl! Stop bein' a god damn Jew and kill everyone but me!
KYLE:
It's not my fault you walked in front of a giant foot!
CARTMAN:
I'll give you a giant foot up your ass, douche bag!
CARTMAN leaps at KYLE and the two fall to the floor while throwing punches and yelling obscenities.
STAN:
Huh.
STAN picks up KYLE's controller-
STAN:
*cont'd*
Wanna play, Kenny?
KENNY:
[Nah. I'm good.]
- and resumes the game.
STAN:
Dude, this game is so much easier with only one person.
There is a knock at the door.
STAN:
Cartman, there's someone at the door.
KYLE has CARTMAN pinned to the floor and is attempting to shove the other boy's hat down his throat. CARTMAN makes choking sounds.
STAN:
*blinks*
Never mind. I'll get it.
STAN hands KENNY the controller.
STAN:
Here, Kenny.
STAN hops off the couch and opens the door to find WENDY.
WENDY:
Stan?
STAN:
Wendy?
WENDY:
This is Cartman's house, right?
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Who's at the door?
*chokes*
God dammit, Jew! Stop it!
STAN:
What're you doing here?
WENDY:
I was wondering if I could talk to Kyle.
KYLE is still on top of CARTMAN and choking him.
CARTMAN:
Aw, hell no! Get that bitch off mah propertah! I don't need her bitchiness-
KYLE:
Shut up, fat ass!
As the two in the living room start yelling again, the other two stand at the doorway quite awkwardly. STAN coughs.
WENDY:
So...uh, what's been happening?
STAN:
Oh, uh, you know... Playing video games.
KYLE:
*off screen*
Fuck you, fat ass!
CARTMAN:
*off screen, strained*
Drink mah pee, Jew!
STAN:
Listening to those two fight.
WENDY:
*flatly*
Sounds like a blast.
STAN:
Uh, yeah.
There is an awkward pause for a beat before KENNY comes up from behind STAN.
STAN:
So, what's been happening with you?
WENDY:
Oh, you know...
There is another awkward pause as the background yelling falls silent.
STAN:
Actually, I don't. That's why I asked.
WENDY:
Oh, right.
WENDY laughs nervously.
KENNY:
[This isn't awkward.]
STAN:
*hushed*
No kidding.
KYLE comes up between STAN and KENNY and waves a greeting.
KYLE:
Hey, Wendy!
KYLE looks around in confusion.
KYLE:
*cont'd*
Dude, I could cut the tension here with a knife.
STAN:
Thanks for stating the obvious, Kyle.
KYLE:
So, what's up?
WENDY:
I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a movie?
KYLE:
Sure! What movie?
STAN:
Dude! We could totally go see the new Indiana Jones movie!
WENDY:
Well, actually-
CARTMAN muscles his way between KYLE and STAN.
CARTMAN:
Iron Man, you guys! Hands down!
KENNY:
[No way! We should go see The Dark Knight!]
WENDY:
Guys, I was-
STAN:
I'll get the times!
KYLE:
I'll get some money!
KENNY:
[I'll get the bootleg camera!]
CARTMAN:
I'll get the snacks, you guys!
WENDY:
*slowly*
-wanting to...
The boys each run off in different directions, leaving WENDY standing in the doorway. She sighs and slumps her shoulders.
WENDY:
*cont'd*
Well, shit. I should have seen this coming.
CUT TO EXT. TWEEK BROS COFFEE - DUSK
Establishing shot.
CUT TO INT. TWEEK BROS COFFEE
The five kids are spread out over two tables. KYLE and WENDY each have coffees, STAN has a soda manufactured by an independent soda maker, KENNY has a plastic cup of free water, and all the while CARTMAN ignores his ice cream bar and stares off at another table. WENDY appears to be glancing in the same direction and is slightly distressed at what she's seeing.
WENDY:
*pissed*
That bitch. First, she goes to see the same movie as us and now she has to hang out at the same place as us.
BEBE is conversing at a nearby table with ANNIE and RED. She looks over at the group and gives a shit eating grin.
KYLE:
Just ignore it.
STAN:
So, why did we come here again instead of going to Cold Stone like we planned?
WENDY:
I wanted an iced coffee.
KENNY:
[It's next door to the theater?]
KYLE:
Plus Tweek gave us a discount.
Behind the counter, TWEEK jumps.
TWEEK:
*twitches*
Gaah!
STAN:
Oh.
*pauses*
Actually, now that I think about it, when did you start drinking coffee?
WENDY:
It was the day after my twelfth birthday. My dad bought a-
STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
Uh, dude, aren't you nine?
WENDY suddenly gets a horrified expression on her face. She looks at KYLE, who merely shrugs his shoulders.
WENDY:
I meant my last birthday!
She laughs nervously.
WENDY:
*cont'd*
Where's my head?
KYLE gives her a brief concerned look before joining everyone else in looking to CARTMAN as if expecting some kind of outburst.
KYLE:
*slowly*
Cartman, you fat fuck, don't...belittle...? Cartman?
The scene zooms in on one of CARTMAN's eyes. Inside his head, four CARTMANs in business suits sit at a conference table with a projector set up in the center. CARTMAN1 is standing near a screen on the far end of the room with a pointer. An image of BEBE is being projected onto said screen.
CARTMAN1:
Gentlemen, this is the scenario. Bebe is sitting in the same room as us. She saw the same movie as us. She got the same kind of ice cream as us. *slaps the screen with the pointer* And now she keeps looking over at us and smiling! Okay. Now. I'm friggin' clueless as to what's goin' on hyah! Thoughts? Ideas?
CARTMAN3:
*raises a hand*
Maybe she just likes ice cream encased in a hard chocolate shell on a stick?
CARTMAN2:
You guys! You guys! She thinks we're kewl! I mean, she played lambs with us!
CARTMAN4:
Wait a minute... You guys... Think about this... Same movie, same coffee shop, and now smiles! What if...she like likes us?
The four CARTMANs gasp in unison.
CARTMAN3:
My god...
CARTMAN1:
God dammit, man! It's too early for those kinds of assumptions!
Suddenly the door opens and a fifth CARTMAN, dressed as a female secretary, pokes his head into the room.
CARTMAN5:
*timidly*
Uh, you guys, we totally just missed a chance to rip Hippie Testicleburger a new asshole.
CARTMAN1:
*shakes fists*
God dammit!
Back in the coffee shop, the other kids are staring at CARTMAN.
KYLE:
Cartman?
STAN:
Wow. I haven't seen him like this since we tricked him into eating my mom's Viking pills.
KENNY:
[Somebody poke him.]
WENDY leans over and slaps CARTMAN across the face. He limply falls face first into a surprised STAN's lap before sliding off under the table and to the floor. The group looks to WENDY.
STAN:
Dude, you broke him.
WENDY:
*horrified*
Nah-uh! He was already broken!
CUT TO EXT. BROFLOFSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT
Snow falls gently as KYLE and WENDY approach the house.
KYLE:
So... What was that back at the coffee shop?
WENDY:
What was what?
KYLE:
You started drinking coffee when you were twelve?
WENDY:
I...misspoke.
KYLE:
There's more to those dreams we had, isn't there?
WENDY sighs.
KYLE:
Dude, talk to me.
WENDY:
Honestly, I'm not sure what that was. It just came out.
KYLE:
So you made it up then?
WENDY:
No. It's a distinct memory, but it's not at the same time. My dad bought a cappuccino machine for my twelfth birthday. I remember that. It was the first time I experienced the magnificence that is vanilla latte.
KYLE:
But obviously that can't have happened yet.
WENDY:
You'd think that.
She sighs.
WENDY:
*cont'd*
I just wish we could find out more information on this feh... feh-nom-eh-
KYLE:
Strange occurrence?
WENDY:
Yeah. That.
KYLE:
Do you remember anything noteworthy?
WENDY:
I... Well, I don't know.
*pauses*
It seems to come and go at random.
She smiles and takes KYLE's hand in hers.
WENDY:
But I do remember you saving me from an incredibly lonely lifestyle.
KYLE:
*grins*
I remember that too. Not many details, mind you, but I'm glad I did it.
She takes his other hand.
WENDY:
Me too. Thanks for hanging out with me tonight, Kyle.
She hugs him.
WENDY:
*hushed*
Even though you and your friends totally misunderstood my intentions...
KYLE:
Wait. What?
CUT TO EXT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - NIGHT
Establishing shot. CARTMAN is heard moaning and mumbling random words.
CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - CARTMAN'S ROOM
CARTMAN continues to mumble as he tosses and turns in his sleep.
CARTMAN:
*mumbles*
Yes... Yes... I won...
In his dream, WENDY, KYLE, and STAN are sprawled and bloodied on the ground. CARTMAN laughs maniacally as he stands triumphantly over them.
CARTMAN:
*shouting*
I won! I fucking won!
BEBE suddenly comes up beside him and hugs him.
BEBE:
I'm so glad you made those bitches pay, Eric!
CARTMAN:
*laughs*
I sure did, didn't I?
BEBE:
*suggestively*
Why don't we...
BEBE pauses as she eyes him up.
BEBE:
*cont'd, suggestively*
...go back to your place, big boy? I want to really show my...appreciation.
CARTMAN:
Okay!
Suddenly, the two are in CARTMAN's room. CARTMAN is sitting in his bed wearing a bib that reads "Kiss me! I'm the Taste Tester!" BEBE walks into the room wearing a two piece red bikini and sets a cheesecake topped with strawberries on the bed in front of him. CARTMAN drools upon seeing the tasty dessert.
CARTMAN:
Oh, god...
BEBE grins suggestively as she pulls a knife from her bikini bottom. She begins a very complicated and suggestive dance with the knife in hand. CARTMAN, meanwhile, just stares wide eyed and drooling. She finally cuts the cheesecake, takes a piece in her hand, and climbs into CARTMAN's lap. Her face hovers close to his ear.
BEBE:
*suggestively*
How'd you like to try my cheesecake, big boy?
Reality returns as CARTMAN quickly sits up in bed. He gasps for air as he wipes his brow.
CARTMAN:
What the fuck was that?!
*panics*
Oh, god! This is the fourth night in a row! I hope I'm not- No, I can't be- Not for that-
*dreamily*
-beautiful blonde curly hair... Those jasmine shaded eyes...
He falls back to his bed and groans loudly.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd, hushed*
God dammit.
*pauses*
I almost had that cheesecake, too...
CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP
STAN, KENNY, and CARTMAN are waiting.
STAN:
I wonder where Kyle is.
KENNY shrugs.
CARTMAN:
Really? Why care, Stan? Kahl is a gingery Jew. He has no soul and kills the saviors of those of us who do.
STAN:
You're not even the least bit curious?
CARTMAN:
Stan, look at this face.
CARTMAN points to his own face.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Does this look like a face that cares?
STAN:
I just see a fat ass.
CARTMAN:
Ay! I'll kick you in the nuts!
There is silence for a beat.
CARTMAN:
Let me ask you guys something.
STAN:
No.
CARTMAN:
What does it mean when you have dreams...about girls?
STAN:
I think it depends.
CARTMAN:
On what?
STAN:
I dunno. Maybe on the kind of dreams they are?
CARTMAN:
Like, there was this one time I dreamed that Patty Nelson was in my kitchen baking me pies while I watched naked.
STAN:
I think that just means you're a fat ass.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Ay!
KENNY:
[Ever dream about girls, Stan?]
STAN:
*shrugs*
I don't remember my dreams. Just...blackness. And sometimes a lamppost and an old dude in a trench coat.
KENNY:
[Bullshit.]
STAN stuffs his hands into his pockets.
STAN:
Okay, fine. I dream about playing poker with Lola and Wendy.
There is a pause for a beat.
CARTMAN:
You dream about playing cards with girls? Ha! Fag!
STAN:
And right before I wake up, they start kissing each other.
Another pause. Looks of intrigue suddenly flash on CARTMAN's and, presumably, KENNY's faces.
CARTMAN:
I take that back. That is the single most awesome thing I've ever heard.
*pauses*
Today.
KENNY:
[I'd pay to see that!]
STAN:
Yeah, except last night the other girl was Red instead of Wendy. I just can't specifically remember what happened.
CARTMAN:
Well, at least you've upgraded your taste in women, dude.
STAN:
Really? I thought you hated gingers?
CARTMAN:
This is true. I hate gingers with mah entire being, but I can sympathize with them. They can't help that they have no souls. Hippies, on the other hand, can help the fact that they have no jobs, listen to shitty music, and smell like Courtney Cox's sweaty poonanner in the sun.
KENNY laughs.
STAN:
Gross, dude.
CARTMAN:
You know what else is gross? I had a god damn dream about Bebe last night.
STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
Do go on.
There is a pause. CARTMAN suddenly looks very uncomfortable and makes small frustrated noises.
CARTMAN:
No.
STAN:
No way, dude. You don't bring up something like that out the blue and not want to discuss it.
CARTMAN:
*whines*
Myah...
STAN:
Just tell us, fat ass.
KENNY:
[Yeah!]
KYLE and WENDY walk up and stand next to CARTMAN.
STAN:
*confused*
Hey...dudes?
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
What the hell is she doing here?
KYLE:
We went back to my house afterwards last night to study and fell asleep on the floor.
KENNY:
*to STAN*
[Study my ass.]
STAN:
I don't want to look at your ass, Kenny.
CARTMAN:
That still doesn't change the fact that the bitch doesn't belong here!
WENDY:
I have every right to be here if I want, fat ass.
CARTMAN:
Myah! You're in my personal bubble hyah.
KYLE:
*rolls eyes*
Jesus Christ, fat ass. Get over yourself.
CARTMAN:
*points, whines*
Myah...
WENDY:
Fine.
She swaps places with KYLE.
WENDY:
*snidely*
Better?
CARTMAN:
No. Keep going. Farther away.
WENDY:
*scoffs*
Too bad. I'm not moving from this spot.
CARTMAN:
*whines*
Myah...
WENDY:
*irked*
Stop doing that. You sound like a retard.
CARTMAN:
*whines*
Myah!
The two argue in the background.
STAN:
*to KYLE*
You alright, dude? You look tired.
KYLE:
I told you, we fell asleep on my floor. Not exactly a good night's sleep.
KENNY:
[Did she smoke your pipe?]
KYLE:
Dude, she doesn't smoke...
KENNY laughs.
STAN:
So, what? You guys thought studying would be a good idea after a movie?
KYLE:
Well, yeah.
WENDY:
*off screen*
Stop pulling my hair, fat ass!
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Stop sprayin' it as you say it, bitch!
KENNY:
[I bet it was nasty, whatever it was they studied.]
KYLE:
The radiation fall out at Shar-noble was pretty nasty.
STAN:
I wonder how many people gained super powers after that.
As the three boys ponder that, WENDY and CARTMAN rejoin the group.
WENDY:
Fuck off, turd pants.
CARTMAN:
Ay! Go fuck an electric cattle prod, Testicleburger!
CARTMAN's laugh is cut short when WENDY smacks him upside the head.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit!
*shouts*
Stop hitting me, you fucking bitch!
WENDY:
*tersely*
Well, then, stop making me want to hit you, asshole!
The bus pulls up.
KENNY:
[So did you feel up some titties, Kyle?]
KYLE:
*scoffs*
No. And stop asking.
CUT TO INT. THE SCHOOL BUS
WENDY, sitting alone, is suddenly startled to find CARTMAN staring down at her from the seat in front.
WENDY:
*irked*
God dammit, Cartman! Don't do that!
CARTMAN:
*meekly*
I, um... Sorry.
WENDY:
*confused*
That is totally not the response I was expecting.
CARTMAN:
Wendy, can I talk to you?
WENDY:
*raises an eyebrow*
What's the catch?
CARTMAN holds his hands up in defense.
CARTMAN:
I'm seriously! I just want to talk to you!
WENDY cautiously looks around as if expecting something to happen.
WENDY:
Forgive me if I'm not quite convinced.
CARTMAN:
I-I just want to talk to you about Bebe.
WENDY:
*surprised*
Bebe? What about her?
There is an uncomfortable pause.
CARTMAN:
*stammers*
Duh-does she like anyone?
There is another silence as WENDY attempts to keep a straight face.
CARTMAN:
*panics*
What? What's so funny?
She finally loses her composure and laughs hysterically.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit! Stop laughing, you fucking bitch!
WENDY slouches in her seat as she regains her composure.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Well?
WENDY wipes tears from her eyes.
WENDY:
Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit, Windy! Just answer my god damn question!
WENDY:
*snorts*
Honestly, I'm not sure.
CARTMAN:
Buh-but why not?
WENDY:
We haven't been on fantastic speaking terms for the last couple of weeks, fat ass. Try to keep up with current events.
CARTMAN grunts.
WENDY:
*raises an eyebrow*
So, why ask if she likes anyone?
CARTMAN:
Just curious, dawg. Y'know, networkin' n' shit.
WENDY:
*unconvinced*
Riiight... Sorry I can't help you, Cartman.
CARTMAN dejectedly nods-
CARTMAN:
*sadly*
Okay...
-and disappears back behind the seat with a sigh. WENDY suddenly looks as if she feels sorry for him.
WENDY:
Hey, Cartman.
His excited face pops back up.
WENDY:
I'll keep my ears open for you, okay?
The two smile at each other.
CARTMAN:
Thanks, Wendy. Despite what I say, you're not all that bad for a raging Bitchzilla.
WENDY suddenly looks very pissed.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
Establishing shot.
CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY OUTSIDE RESTROOMS
STAN and KYLE walk through the scene and off screen.
STAN:
I wonder where Cartman is?
KYLE:
Since when did either of us care?
STAN:
*off screen*
Good point.
PIP, BUTTERS, CRAIG, and CLYDE can be heard from within the restrooms.
PIP:
But, gentlemen, I fail to see why you wished to speak with us in here.
CLYDE:
Take a look in that stall and you'll understand.
CLYDE can be heard snickering.
BUTTERS:
Juh-gee whiz, fellahs. I don't see anything except for some poo that didn't get flushed.
CRAIG:
*slyly*
Well, I guess we'd better do something about that.
PIP:
*frightened*
Now, gentlemen, please, I urge you to reconsider this.
Sounds of a struggle ensue until the sounds of multiple toilets flushing are heard. PIP and BUTTERS scream as WENDY walks in frame with LOLA.
LOLA:
What was that?
The two boys scream again as toilets are flushed.
WENDY:
Screams?!
She rushes into the boys restroom leaving the other girl to give a confused look.
CRAIG:
What the hell?
CLYDE:
Crap! It's Wendy!
PIP:
Wendy?! Oh, bless you, madam!
WENDY:
What the fuck do you assholes think you're doing?
CLYDE:
Um, nothing?
WENDY:
Unhand those melvins!
CRAIG:
You'll have to kill us first, bitch!
WENDY:
Okay then!
LOLA cringes as loud banging sounds and screams emerge from the closed door. At this point, JIMMY hobbles up next to the girl and stares at the door along with her. KENNY can be seen watching in the background.
JIMMY:
Huh-hey, Lola. Whuh-what are you staring at, very much?
Before LOLA can answer, a loud girlish scream is heard followed by the sound of running water. Water rushes out into the hallway from under the door causing JIMMY and LOLA take a surprised step back.
JIMMY:
*shocked*
Juh-Jesus Christ!
The door suddenly splinters open as CRAIG flies out into the hallway, bloodied and bruised.
WENDY:
Get back here, asshole!
WENDY, now with mussed hair, a black eye, and several bleeding scratches on her face, exits the restroom, grabs one of CRAIG's legs, and pulls him back into the lavatory.
CRAIG:
*pleading*
Please help me...
LOLA and JIMMY look upon the scene, flabbergasted.
JIMMY:
Shuh-should we help him?
LOLA:
And get in the way of Wendy's blood lust? I think not.
JIMMY:
Point tuh-taken.
Everything suddenly goes silent before WENDY strolls triumphantly out into the hallway followed closely by PIP and BUTTERS, who both suffer from wet heads and shoulders.
PIP:
*excitedly*
My goodness! That was a smashing performance, Miss Wendy!
WENDY:
*nonchalantly*
Eh.
She shrugs.
PIP:
But did you really have to go to such extreme measures?
Inside the destroyed restroom, CRAIG is headfirst in a toilet while CLYDE is collapsed against the wall with a toilet seat around his neck.
CRAIG:
*muffled*
I blame you for this, asshole.
As CLYDE starts crying, the scene goes back to the hallway.
WENDY:
You call that extreme?
BUTTERS:
Oh, buh-boy! You could be a superhero and save kuh-kids like us who are in trouble!
WENDY taps her chin in thought.
WENDY:
Really?
*pauses*
I could be...Batgirl!
JIMMY:
I buh-believe Alicia Silverstone is Batgirl.
WENDY:
Oh... Right. What about Wonder Girl?
LOLA:
Uh, Wendy, don't you have to have huge boobs for a name like that?
WENDY:
*exasperated*
Am I really that flat?!
Everyone else shrugs and adopts uncomfortable looks as she pulls out her jacket and looks down through the neck hole.
WENDY:
*dejectedly*
Oh, god! I'm as flat as an ironing board! God, I wish I was older and had- No, wait!
*thoughtfully*
Most super heroines have huge breasts, but I don't...
*excitedly*
I'll be the world's first real life politically correct super heroine! It's perfect!
She adopts a heroic pose.
WENDY:
I'll be Ironing Board Girl!
LOLA raises an eyebrow.
BUTTERS:
*raises an eyebrow*
Uh-Ironing Board Girl?
WENDY:
I have plans to iron out and enemies to press and fold! I'm off!
WENDY runs off, leaving the rest of the group standing there.
JIMMY:
I have a queh-question.
LOLA looks to JIMMY.
JIMMY:
Huh-how can you tell if a guh-girl is flat chuh-chested?
LOLA:
*raises an eyebrow*
How?
JIMMY:
She wears sus-sus...suspenders to hold her bra up, very much.
LOLA rolls her eyes and sighs.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND
The boys are hanging out near the slide. STAN and KYLE are conversing, KENNY is listening in, and yet CARTMAN seems to be staring sadly into space.
KYLE:
Where the hell is Wendy? We were going to study some history together.
STAN:
What? As opposed to spending recess with us?
KYLE:
Well, yeah. No offense, but just standing here by the slide is kind of...boring.
STAN and KENNY share a glance.
STAN:
Okay, okay. Rub it in, dude.
KENNY:
[Maybe she got tired of waiting on you to make the first move.]
KYLE:
First move for what?
KENNY laughs.
STAN:
She could have gone home sick.
KYLE:
Maybe.
STAN:
Of course, you realize that there's only one way to find out for sure.
KYLE:
What's that?
STAN:
You ask Bebe.
CARTMAN suddenly stirs to life.
KYLE:
I dunno. She might not have a clue. I think they're still not talking.
CARTMAN:
What's this about Bebe?
STAN and KENNY again share a glance, this time with KYLE.
STAN:
Are you sure you're okay, Cartman?
KYLE:
Yeah, aside from you fighting with Wendy at the bus stop this morning, you've been pretty quiet today.
CARTMAN:
I'm fine, god dammit! What the hell is this? The friggin' Spanish Inquisition?
KYLE:
And this is the third time today that you've jumped at the mention of Bebe.
STAN Fourth, actually.
CARTMAN:
*nervously*
What're you tryin' to say, Jew-face?
KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
"Jew-face"? Really, Cartman?
CARTMAN:
*nervously*
Shuh-shut up, asshole!
KYLE:
What're you hiding, fat ass?
CARTMAN:
Nothing!
STAN:
We're not stupid, dude. The kindergartners could figure that you're hiding something. I mean, bringing up that you dreamed about Bebe and then refusing to talk about it?
KYLE:
Well, that's not suspicious.
KENNY:
[I'll bet you guys twenty bucks that he's got-]
CARTMAN:
All right! All right!
CARTMAN sighs.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
You win.
*pauses*
You guys...
*hushed*
...I think I have a crush on Bebe.
The other three boys start laughing hysterically.
CARTMAN:
Why the hell are you assholes laughing?!
KYLE:
I never would have thought to hear straight from your mouth that you like a girl!
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
STAN:
Well, to be honest, we've been waiting for you to come out and tell us that that you're gay.
KENNY nods.
CARTMAN:
*tersely*
What.
STAN:
I mean, if you are, that's cool, dude. We don't care.
Inside CARTMAN's head, the four CARTMANs are absolutely shocked.
CARTMAN1:
*pissed*
Those assholes thought we were a friggin' queer-bag?! That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!
CARTMAN3:
*shocked*
Wait a minute! You mean we're not?
*pissed*
God dammit!
Back on the playground-
KYLE:
I should go talk with Bebe to find out what's going on...
STAN:
*sarcastically*
Yeah. Good luck with that.
KYLE:
I know, right?
CARTMAN:
Ask her about me, Jew!
KYLE:
*disinterested*
Yeah, okay.
CARTMAN:
Kahl, I'm seriously!
CUT TO EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DAY
Establishing shot.
CUT TO INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - ATTIC
Light from the nearby window filters in to illuminate the dust particles in the air. Three lines of light suddenly appear on the floor and expand to form a square.
WENDY:
*off screen*
Thanks for coming along, guys!
BUTTERS:
*off screen*
Whuh-well, that's okay, Wendy! I didn't feel like being at school today, anyways. No, sir.
WENDY pokes her head up through the opening she created in the floor and promptly coughs from the dust. When she climbs the rest of the way up, PIP and BUTTERS soon follow.
PIP:
Do you think you can find a smashing outfit up 'ere, Miss Wendy?
WENDY:
I'm not sure. I guess it'll jump out at me when I see it. Let's split up and see what we can find.
BUTTERS:
Oh, buh-boy! This sounds like some fun for Treasure Hunter Butters!
PIP:
Oh, my! We could most certainly pretend to be pirates searching the musty caves for the booty of the blarney Cap'n Blackbeard!
BUTTERS:
Arrrrgh!
BUTTERS laughs.
WENDY:
*pirate voice*
Arright, yer scurvy dogs! I be Cap'n Wendy and I be demandin' ya git ta findin' me coveted booty!
The two boys laugh.
PIP:
Oh, I do say that you're mistaken, Wendy! Girls shan't be pirates!
WENDY:
*flatly*
Just get looking or I'll make the both of you walk the plank.
PIP:
*gulps*
Yes'm.
BUTTERS:
Juh-geeze Louise! I don't want to be friends with fishes! My dad'll ground me for sure!
The three kids separate and begin to dig through boxes. They root around in silence for a bit before WENDY gasps and gets a horrified look on her face.
WENDY:
I forgot to tell Kyle that I left school!
PIP and BUTTERS share a confused look.
PIP:
Oh, but what is the importance of that?
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND
KYLE approaches BEBE, RED, ANNIE, and LOLA at the swings.
KYLE:
Hi, girls.
BEBE raises an eyebrow.
ANNIE/RED/LOLA:
Hi, Kyle!
BEBE:
*flatly*
What do you want?
KYLE:
Dude, I've got a question: Do you know where Wendy is?
BEBE crosses her arms and scoffs. The other three girls adopt troubled expressions.
BEBE:
What makes you think I know where that bitch is?
KYLE:
I dunno. Maybe because you guys used to be friends?
BEBE snorts and promptly walks off. KYLE frowns and regards the other three girls.
KYLE:
What the hell is her problem?
RED:
You mentioned the Whore Bitch.
ANNIE:
Yeah. How did you expect her to react?
KYLE:
I dunno. With a yes or no?
RED:
*scoffs*
You're really thick-headed, you know.
KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
Dude, it was a yes or no question.
ANNIE:
You're a boy, so you wouldn't understand.
KYLE:
Look, do you know where she is or not?
RED and ANNIE both shrug.
LOLA:
Um... She left school before first period.
KYLE:
What? Why?
RED and ANNIE stare at LOLA, which causes her to nervously wring her hands.
LOLA:
Um...
CUT TO
INT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - ATTIC WENDY stumbles upon a box and squeals in delight. PIP and BUTTERS suddenly appear behind her.
PIP:
Oh! What did you find?
WENDY:
*excitedly*
Hopefully something that'll blow our minds!
As WENDY slowly opens the chest, BUTTERS bursts with anticipation.
BUTTERS:
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I can't wait to find out what it is!
WENDY pulls out a snow white leotard and hugs it tightly.
WENDY:
I can't believe that my parents kept this! I used to have so much fun playing with this!
PIP:
Playing what, madam?
WENDY:
*flatly*
I used to put it on and stuff it with pillows to pretend to be Rosie O'Donnell.
The room falls silent with an awkward moment. PIP coughs and plays with his collar. BUTTERS suddenly finds a nearby box interesting.
WENDY:
It's okay. I was a dumb kid then.
BUTTERS laughs.
BUTTERS:
Yeah! That is pretty dumb!
He looks up from his box.
BUTTERS:
*cont'd*
Who'd want to pretend to be that mean ol' bitch?
When WENDY glares at BUTTERS, PIP interjects.
PIP:
Oh! I bet you'd look stunning in that if we dyed it black! You'd turn all the chap's heads!
WENDY attempts to look at her own butt.
WENDY:
Are you saying that I'm not hot in my normal clothing?
PIP:
*waves his hand*
Never mind about that, miss! We'll have to find you a face mask and put something on the front so people know who you are when you rush in to save the day!
WENDY:
What do you have in mind?
BUTTERS:
*off screen*
Hey, Wendy!
The other two kids look in BUTTERS' direction to find him wearing a much too big pink dress complete with matching high heels, a long flowing blonde wig, and a gold crown.
BUTTERS:
I can be your side kick, Princess Butters!
As PIP looks on confused, WENDY sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.
WENDY:
*mutters*
Sure, Butters. That's just peachy.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND
The boys minus KYLE are still by the slide.
STAN:
Sorry, dude, but I really don't think Bebe'll be interested. I mean, you're fat, racist, stupid-
KENNY:
[-irresponsible-]
STAN:
Yeah! Irresponsible-
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Okay, you guys.
STAN:
-foul mouthed-
STAN pinches his nose and waves a hand in front of his face.
STAN:
Whoo! -and you smell like moldy cheese.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit, assholes! You think I want these stupid feelings for a-
*pauses*
Ay! I don't smell like cheese!
STAN:
So you're gay then?
CARTMAN:
*shouting*
God dammit, Stan! Stop acting like the god damn Jew! No, I'm not gay! No, I don't want these pussy feelings! And no, I don't smell like friggin' cheese!
STAN:
Dude, I said moldy cheese. There's a difference.
CARTMAN sits on the ground and starts crying just as KYLE rejoins them.
KYLE:
Jesus. I was only gone for a few minutes...
KENNY shrugs.
CARTMAN:
*crying*
I've been so confused outta my mind, I, I don't know what to do! Part of me wants to find the bitch and rip 'er god damn head off! But then...another part of me wants to...take her in my arms...and whisper touchy-feely crap in her ear...
STAN:
*stunned*
Wow.
KYLE:
My god... I never thought I'd ever see this.
KYLE kneels next to the troubled boy and puts a hand on his shoulder.
KYLE:
Look, dude. I think your chances with Bebe are pretty slim.
CARTMAN wipes tears from his eyes.
CARTMAN:
Way to make me feel better, Jew.
KYLE:
I said "slim" not "none", dude! Jesus Christ! Just ask her out!
CARTMAN:
How do I do that?
STAN:
Well, just figure out what you guys have in common and go from there.
CARTMAN:
Um...
There is a small pause.
STAN:
Actually, do you guys even interact at all?
CARTMAN:
*stands*
We have class together...
STAN:
Besides that.
CARTMAN:
*pauses*
No.
KYLE:
Then you have no chance, dude.
CARTMAN:
*pinches the bridge of his nose*
Okay. So I ask Bebe out. What then?
STAN:
What then what?
CARTMAN:
Like, what if she says yes?
STAN:
Do you even have to ask?
KYLE:
*counts on his fingers*
Hugs. Kisses. More kisses. Even more kisses.
KENNY:
[And blow jobs.]
CARTMAN:
*ecstatic*
Yeah! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna ask that slut to go out with me and give me all the kisses and blow jobs I deserve!
KYLE:
Good for you, fat ass. If you getting a girlfriend means a kinder and gentler Eric Cartman, then I'm all for it.
CARTMAN:
Thanks, you guys! But, um, what's a blow job?
STAN:
Not important right now.
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Ay!
STAN:
*to KYLE*
What'd Bebe say about Wendy?
KYLE:
She wouldn't-
CARTMAN:
*excited*
Did she ask about me?
KYLE:
Sorry, dude. Anyway, I asked-
CARTMAN:
She didn't ask at all?
KYLE:
*annoyed*
Jesus Christ, fat ass! I'm trying to talk here!
CARTMAN:
So, I take that to mean that she didn't?
STAN pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head.
KYLE:
*rolls eyes*
Just when I was starting to think higher of you, Cartman.
CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT
A sweeping pan shows the various people of South Park going about their business.
GENERIC ANNOUNCER:
Just like any other small American town the people of South Park think they're safe from harm...
The pan stops on the South Park Bank just as a loud alarm fills the air. The people in the street flee in all directions as the big, hulking, and silvery PROFESSOR CHAOS (as seen in BUTTERS' mind) smashes through the front door with several bags of money in tow.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
That was too easy!
GENERIC ANNOUNCER:
...until the local super villain robs the bank.
As a police helicopter hovers in the air above the scene, a POLICE OFFICER leans out with a megaphone.
POLICE OFFICER:
We've got you surrounded, Chaos!
PROFESSOR CHAOS shakes a fist into the air.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
You'll never take me alive, copper!
He pulls his green cloak over his chest. Not a moment later, he whips it open and shuffles his feet to take on a fighting stance.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
Chaos Sphere!
As he does, a large ball of dark energy flies from his cloak at high speed and connects with the helicopter. The sky darkens at the connection as lighting shoots out in all directions from the point of contact. The helicopter and the POLICE OFFICER expand in size for a moment and then shrink into a singularity. PROFESSOR CHAOS laughs maniacally.
WENDY:
*off screen*
Chaos!
PROFESSOR CHAOS's expression drops immediately into one of surprise before sliding into one of anger.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
*pissed*
You!
He looks up.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
*cont'd*
Ironing Board Girl!
On the roof of the bank, the tall, thin, and lithe black leather clad IRONING BOARD GIRL (as seen in WENDY's mind) looks down with a cheeky grin. The super heroine pulls hair away from her eyes.
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Did ya miss me?
PROFESSOR CHAOS draws his cloak once more.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
I won't this time! Chaos Sphere!
He whips his cloak open again to send another ball of energy in IRONING BOARD GIRL's direction. She pulls the ironing board off her back and uses it to slide down a conveniently placed nearby ice slope to safety. The ball of energy hits the bank and compresses a large portion of it into a singularity. She comes to a stop in the center of the street opposite of PROFESSOR CHAOS. When she leaps off her board, it somehow becomes airborne and settles on her back all on its own.
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Aww... That's sweet. You did miss me!
A ball of energy forms in the professor's hand as he gives an evil grin.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
I'm afraid your days of starching my plans are over!
IRONING BOARD GIRL leaps out of the way just as a ball of energy strikes where she once stood. After hitting the ground, she rolls to a pose of her feet firmly on the ground, one hand flat on said ground to support her upper body, the other arm pointed behind her for balance, and ass in the air; all in the style of comic book fanservice.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
Go forth, my minions!
Two very large and very humanoid hamsters clad in iron armor and brandishing very large war hammers burst out of the nearby sewer hole.
PROFESSOR CHAOS:
Attack that Ironing Board Bitch! And bring about...CHAOS!
As PROFESSOR CHAOS laughs maniacally, IRONING BOARD GIRL finds herself backed against a wall by the two very large and hulking hamsters. She produces a silver clothes iron from her utility belt and swings it in circles by the power chord.
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Well, it would seem that as the representative of the powerful, yet oppressed, small breasted female community, I have a wrinkle of a situation to iron out. What do you think, SteamFast?
The iron swinging by her side starts to glow red.
STEAMFAST THE IRON: I think these guys need to be PRESSED, IBG!
Just as IRONING BOARD GIRL lets SteamFast fly towards the closest hamster, the screen cuts to a close up of her face, freezes, and turns black and white.
GENERIC ANNOUNCER:
Will Ironing Board Girl starch Professor Chaos's best laid plan? Will she iron out the Hamster Minions or will they wrinkle her up like a shirt left in a dryer? Find out in the next issue of Ironing Board Girl! Brought to you by Marvel Comics!
*quickly*
If you thought the Billy Ray Cyrus comic was awesome, you'll love this!
After a moment, the scene unfreezes. IRONING BOARD GIRL brings a walkie-talkie to her mouth and speaks into it.
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Sir Charles, this is Ironing Board Girl. Over.
PIP:
*walkie-talkie*
Oh! This is Sir Charles. Reading you loud and clear, miss!
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
I'm positioned in front of the school. How much longer until the final bell rings?
PIP:
*walkie-talkie*
I estimate in about one minute.
Color returns to the scene.
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Roger. Agent Margarine? Do you read me?
*pauses*
Agent Margarine, do you read me?
*pauses*
Butters!
BUTTERS:
*walkie-talkie*
O-oh! I-I copy!
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Are you in position with the camera, BUTTERS?
BUTTERS:
Y-yes, ma'am!
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
Remember, Butters! When I start kicking ass, make sure to get a lot of pictures for my scrap book!
BUTTERS:
Okay!
When a loud echoing bell chime fills the air, the camera zooms out to reveal WENDY in a shoddier version of her superhero persona. The leotard has been poorly dyed and is extremely ill-fitting. A photo of an ironing board has been safety pinned to her chest. She smirks as she places the walkie-talkie in her backpack and pulls out her half-sized ironing board.
WENDY:
You bullies better hope that I don't see you pressing on the less fortunate!
*hushed*
Ironing Board Girl is ready to iron out some justice!
She runs off into the trees bordering the school.
CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
BEBE pulls a book from the depths of her locker and closes the door. She jumps when she discovers CARTMAN standing behind her.
BEBE:
Jesus Christ, fat ass! Don't do that!
CARTMAN:
*shirks back*
I, uh, sorry.
CARTMAN nervously looks everywhere except at BEBE while she grows impatient.
BEBE:
Can I help you?
CARTMAN:
*nervously*
Um, yeah... Uh, Bebe? I know this might seem a little...odd, but I...I was wondering if maybe you'd, um, you'd...
Bebe:
If I'd what...?
CARTMAN:
*nervously, quickly*
The guys and I were wondering if you would see a movie with us tonight!
BEBE raises an unconvinced eyebrow.
BEBE:
Is Kyle's bitch going to be there?
CARTMAN:
I don't want her to be, but knowing the Jew...
BEBE:
I think I'll pass then.
CARTMAN:
*panics*
But she wants to apologize!
BEBE:
What?
CARTMAN:
*quickly*
It's true! It was her idea!
BEBE:
Then why isn't she here asking me herself?
CARTMAN just stares in a slight panic. Elsewhere, not too far away, STAN and KYLE look to CARTMAN when he approaches.
STAN:
So how did it go? You talk to her?
CARTMAN:
Uh, yeah.
KYLE:
Well? What happened?
CARTMAN:
Well, she's coming to the movies with us tonight.
STAN:
Okay, group function. Good way to break ice.
CARTMAN:
Except...
KYLE:
Here we go...
CARTMAN:
The movie has to be that gay ass Twilight movie.
STAN and KYLE share a look.
KYLE:
That's cool, I guess. Wendy won't go, then. She says she can't stand Twilight-
*narrows his eyes*
-yet she's reading the book.
STAN:
That makes perfect sense.
CARTMAN:
About that... Wendy has to be there and apologize to Bebe.
KYLE:
What?! Dude! Why?
CARTMAN:
I, uh, kinda suggested it...
KYLE grabs CARTMAN by the collar and shakes him.
KYLE:
Why would you do that? Wendy won't apologize for Bebe being the bitch!
CARTMAN:
I panicked!
KYLE:
Oh, shit! Now I have to find Wendy and tell her! No...
KYLE points at CARTMAN.
KYLE: *cont'd*
You're going to tell her!
CARTMAN:
Why the fuck me?!
KYLE:
Because, artard! I'm not getting my ass kicked for your fuck up!
CARTMAN:
Ay! Screw you, Jew! She's your bitch! Get her under control!
KYLE:
She's not my bitch, fat ass!
STAN:
*mutters*
Could've fooled me.
KYLE:
Besides, I can't control her any more than you can control the weather!
CARTMAN:
I can too control the weather!
The two walk off leaving STAN behind.
KYLE:
That's a TV remote, fat ass!
CARTMAN:
God dammit, Kahl! I can so control weather! Seriously! My mom said so!
STAN smirks and follows them.
STAN:
Well, my night just got interesting.
CUT TO
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS
Various kids burst out of the front doors screaming and screeching in joy like howler monkeys. STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN vacate the front entrance and make their way to the highway. BEBE, RED, and LOLA can be seen walking off screen left towards a thicket of trees.
STAN:
Okay, here's the plan for tonight. Kyle finds Wendy and gives her an update on the situation.
KYLE:
Check.
CARTMAN:
I don't understand why we're hanging out with that bitch so much lately.
KYLE:
Stop bitching, fat ass. Just remember that you're the reason for tonight.
CARTMAN:
Hold on, Kahl. Let me go get my giant ass drill and see if I can strike it rich with care from Givafuck Bay.
KYLE:
Cartman-
STAN:
Guys!
*pauses*
Cartman, stop being a fat bitch, grab Bebe, and meet us at the theater in time for the movie.
KYLE:
What're you going to do?
STAN:
I'm going to see if I can find Kenny.
KYLE:
Where is he, anyway?
STAN shrugs. Inside CARTMAN's head, three of the four business suit CARTMANs sit at the table as CARTMAN1 stands near the projection screen. Said screen is still covered with a projection of BEBE. CARTMAN1 stops poking the image in the nether regions when CARTMAN3 speaks.
CARTMAN3:
You know, I really do love it when Stan gets all high and mighty. Sometimes... I like to close my eyes and pretend he's playing bad ass leader with me...
*dreamily*
Oh, Stan...
CARTMAN1, now looking pissed off, whacks CARTMAN3 on the head with his pointer.
CARTMAN3:
*rubbing his head*
Ow! God dammit!
CARTMAN1:
Shut the hell up, fag! This isn't network TV, so nobody cares about your queer ass fantasies!
CARTMAN1 glares at CARTMAN4 when he meekly raises a hand.
CARTMAN4:
I'm interested.
Back in reality, CARTMAN gives STAN an evil glare.
CARTMAN:
*sarcastically*
I just love it when you play the part of the bad ass leader, Stan.
Elsewhere, BEBE, RED, and LOLA are approached by CRAIG, CLYDE, KEVIN STOLEY, and TOKEN.
CRAIG:
*slyly*
Hey, girls.
RED:
*sarcastically*
Oh, look! It's Craig and his Dork Squadron.
KEVIN:
Actually, it's Rogue Squadron.
CLYDE rolls his eyes.
BEBE:
What do you want?
CRAIG flips them off.
CRAIG:
Where's Wendy?
RED:
*rolls eyes*
Here we go.
BEBE:
*sighs forcefully*
What the makes you asshole boys think I know or care where that whore is?
CRAIG shares a surprised look with CLYDE and KEVIN. TOKEN, on the other hand, doesn't look surprised.
TOKEN:
I tried telling you.
CRAIG:
Um... You're friends?
BEBE:
*tersely*
Does anybody around here pay attention to current events?
CLYDE:
*confused*
What's that supposed to mean?
CRAIG:
I think it means she'll willingly help us.
BEBE:
*raises an eyebrow*
What makes you think that?
Sometime later, the girls are now gagged and bound together to a tree.
CRAIG:
This makes me think that.
KEVIN:
I still think we should encase them in carbonite!
CRAIG:
We're not going to encase them in carbonite, Kevin!
KEVIN:
*dejected*
Oh...
CLYDE:
Where would we even FIND carbonite this time of year?
CRAIG:
Guys! Enough of the carbonite! This is the plan! We hide in the trees and wait for the bitch to show up and rescue her friends!
TOKEN:
What makes you think she'll show up?
WENDY suddenly appears behind the unaware boys. Her expression is one of displeasure. CRAIG cracks his knuckles.
CRAIG:
She and I have unfinished business from this morning. Plus her friends are "in trouble". She'll show up.
BEBE struggles against her bonds and tries audibly to get the boys' attention. WENDY removes the mini ironing board from the strap on her back.
CLYDE:
What'd you say?
BEBE, again, struggles to voice something. The befuddled CLYDE stares at BEBE, completely lost in what to do. CRAIG rolls his eyes in annoyance. WENDY, in the meantime, has poised to strike.
CRAIG:
Remove her gag, Kevin.
KEVIN complies and before it's completely off her mouth-
BEBE:
*screaming*
I said she's right behind you, asshole!
Just as CRAIG's expression drops, WENDY brings the ironing board down solidly on CLYDE's head with a loud crack. In the background, the noise can be seen catching the attention of STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN. CLYDE smiles happily and falls face first to the ground. CRAIG attempts to put distance between himself and WENDY before flipping her off.
CRAIG:
You!
WENDY:
*grins*
Hi, Craig! Miss me?
The bound girls struggle against their binds.
BEBE:
Wendy, stop flirting like a whore and untie us!
WENDY makes no attempt to address BEBE and simply raises a middle finger. After BEBE scoffs-
TOKEN:
I've seen first hand what kind of damage Wendy can do. I'm outta here!
He promptly runs off, leaving CRAIG trapped and KEVIN unsure of what to do.
CRAIG:
Do something, retard!
KEVIN:
*noticeably scared*
Buh-but that wasn't part of the deal!
CRAIG:
*pissed*
We didn't have any kind of deal, asshole!
WENDY:
*evenly*
Kevin, I have nothing against you. Pray I don't change that any further.
KEVIN:
*quickly*
This deal gets worse all the time!
KEVIN bolts.
WENDY:
Looks like it's just you and me now, Craig. Should I be gentle like a delicate load of laundry? Or...
She grins as she rubs a finger over the tip of her board.
WENDY:
Or should I break your fucking skull for tying up my friends and some blonde-haired bimbo?
BEBE:
*pissed*
I'm right here, you know.
CRAIG flips WENDY off.
CRAIG:
Fuck off.
STAN, KYLE, and CARTMAN finally arrive on the scene with confused looks on their faces.
KYLE:
What the hell?
CARTMAN:
Damn. Wendy looks fucking pissed.
STAN:
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
WENDY raises an eyebrow in confusion and turns to regard the boys.
WENDY:
Stan?
CRAIG takes the opportunity to grab WENDY by the abdomen and covers her mouth with a hand. She attempts to speak, but fails to do so. Her weapon falls uselessly to the ground.
KYLE:
Dude!
BEBE:
*rolls eyes*
Jesus. Who didn't see that coming?
Both RED and LOLA attempt to speak, but fail.
CRAIG:
Don't try anything, assholes! I owe her for the swirly this morning!
KYLE:
*pissed*
What're you going to do, Craig?
CRAIG breaks a stick off of a conveniently placed tree and points it at WENDY.
CRAIG:
I'll poke her with this stick!
WENDY's eyes widen with fear as KYLE clenches his fists. CRAIG points the stick to her abdomen-
CRAIG:
First, I'll start here...
-then trails it to her exposed neck.
CRAIG:
Then maybe I'll finish it here.
WENDY's eyes go even larger as BEBE gasps. CARTMAN nudges KYLE.
CARTMAN:
*hushed*
Jew, he's got a stick!
KYLE:
*pissed*
Let her go, Craig.
CARTMAN:
You better do it, dude. He's a gingery Jew! He eats people's souls and covets their money!
STAN:
*points at KYLE*
It's true! I've seen him do it!
KYLE:
*to STAN, scoffs*
Dude, really?
CRAIG:
No way! She kicked my ass this morning! I want revenge for that!
As CRAIG speaks, a purple clad kid with a bouncy question mark on his head sneaks out of the woods completely unnoticed.
KYLE:
*pissed*
I said let her go, asshole.
CARTMAN claps his hands excitedly.
CARTMAN:
Kick his ass, Kahl! Use your Christ killing Jew powers!
CRAIG holds the stick dangerously close to WENDY's neck.
CRAIG:
You'll have to make me, asshole.
KYLE takes off his coat revealing underneath a green shirt bearing the phrase "Don't make me go Mainstream 8-bit Adventurer on you."
KYLE:
Watch me.
The purple clad kid is now standing directly behind CRAIG and has finally been seen by everyone else involved. He taps CRAIG on the shoulder-
CRAIG:
*confused*
Wha-?
-only to kick him in the back of the leg to cause the boy to fall to the ground with a sickening cry. WENDY and the stick go flying in opposite directions. The purple clad kid kneels next to the downed CRAIG.
MYSTERIOUS KID:
I know what you did.
CRAIG:
*pained*
She attacked me first!
MYSTERIOUS KID:
I highly doubt Pip and Butters would agree to that.
The MYSTERIOUS KID punches CRAIG in the face, knocking him out.
MYSTERIOUS KID:
*stands*
Good night, sweet prince.
KYLE helps WENDY up, while CARTMAN laughs himself stupid. STAN unties the bound girls which earns him a kiss on the cheek from LOLA.
KYLE:
Dude, who are you?
MYSTERIOUS KID:
I am known as...Mysterion.
CARTMAN:
Ha! That's the faggiest name I've ever heard.
STAN:
*squints*
Clyde?
BEBE nudges the downed CLYDE with her foot.
BEBE:
No, he's over here.
WENDY:
Why did you help me?
MYSTERION:
I help those who help others.
WENDY:
Not that I'm ungrateful, but I-
MYSTERION:
You're a powerful fighter, however you let your blood lust and other distractions get the best of you. Learn control and focus and justice will be at your disposal.
MYSTERION makes to walk away, but is stopped by WENDY.
WENDY:
How did you know that I helped Pip and Butters?
MYSTERION:
*smirks*
I have my sources.
Firecrackers go off somewhere in the distance causing a distraction for all the kids. Upon its end, they discover that MYSTERION has vanished. All the kids look around in confusion.
CARTMAN:
How the fu-
STAN:
Dude, where'd he go?
KYLE:
I'm so totally confused right now.
CUT TO EXT. BIJOU THEATRE - NIGHT
Establishing shot. Various movie noises are heard.
CUT TO INT. BIJOU THEATRE - RANDOM SHOWING ROOM
STAN, KYLE, WENDY, BEBE, CARTMAN, and KENNY are seated near the back of the darkened theater watching some sort of movie. STAN and KYLE appear to be bored. WENDY cocks her head to the side as if she is confused. BEBE cries into tissues. CARTMAN angrily drums his fingers on the armrest. KENNY appears blank. Indiscriminate movie sounds and voices are heard in the background along with the occasional crying girl. WENDY leans closer to KYLE.
WENDY:
*hushed*
Do you know what's going on? I'm so lost.
KYLE:
*hushed*
I dunno.
KYLE leans closer to STAN.
KYLE:
*cont'd, hushed*
You have any idea what the hell is going on?
STAN takes a drink from his frozen soda and immediately buries his forehead into his palm.
STAN:
*hushed*
Other than this brain freeze I've got right now, no. I stopped following the moment that the vampires started sparkling in the sun.
WENDY:
*to KYLE, hushed*
What did he say?
KYLE:
*to WENDY, hushed*
He has no clue, either.
STAN starts beating his head with his palm.
WENDY:
*confused*
What the hell is he doing?
KYLE:
*hushed*
I think he's giving himself a brain freeze to block out the movie.
WENDY:
*hushed*
I'm just confused by the fact that all these vampires are hundreds of years old and are still in high school! How does that work? And the constant flip-flopping of the romantic leads! For god's sake! They either need to just fuck or walk away and be done with it!
KYLE:
*hushed*
Just stop thinking about it.
KYLE holds out his frozen soda as an offering.
KYLE:
*cont'd, hushed*
Brain freeze?
WENDY:
*hushed*
Please!
She rips the cup from KYLE's hand and takes huge gulps through the straw as he watches.
KYLE:
*hushed, awed*
That's some powerful sucking action you got there.
She stops drinking and merely stares at KYLE with the straw still in her mouth. A slow sly smile spreads across her face.
KYLE:
*hushed*
We'll have to take you with the next time we steal gas from Mr. Garrison's car.
WENDY suddenly looks pissed.
CARTMAN:
*hushed, pissed*
When are the real friggin' vampires gonna come out and kill these pussies? Seriously, you guys! If I have to watch this bitch fall one more time I'm-
KENNY:
*to CARTMAN*
[Shh!]
CARTMAN:
*hushed, pissed*
Don't shush me, Kinny! I'll kick you in the nuts!
BEBE suddenly grabs CARTMAN's arm and cries into his shoulder while mumbling something about someone named Edward. A look of absolute fright covers CARTMAN's face. There is a flash of white and suddenly two CARTMANs dressed as a DEVIL and ANGEL respectively appear in the seats behind him.
DEVIL:
*pissed*
Who the hell does this bitch think she is? I'm not some kinda friggin' pillow to cry on. The fuck?!
ANGEL:
*rolls eyes*
Must you always be angry like this? The cute girl is upset...I think. Maybe I should put my arm around her to comfort her.
DEVIL CARTMAN stands in his seat and angrily waves his arms about. The couple behind him angrily try to look around him.
DEVIL:
*pissed*
The hell I will, asshole! She's intruding on mah space, god dammit!
ANGEL:
Jesus! Mellow out, man!
ANGEL CARTMAN pulls a wooden mallet from thin air and whacks DEVIL CARTMAN upside the head with it. A deranged almost comical look crosses his face as he falls face first to the floor. ANGEL CARTMAN leans forward.
ANGEL:
Go ahead, dude. And remember! Be polite and stuff for kisses and whatever the hell a blow job is!
CARTMAN smiles, eagerly nods his head, and puts an arm around BEBE. As the house lights come up, BEBE sits up and wipes tears from her eyes. She laughs nervously when she notices CARTMAN staring at her.
BEBE:
*nervously*
Oh, Cartman! I didn't mean to intrude on your personal space.
CARTMAN:
*nervously*
No, no... 'Sokay. I, uh, thought about doin' the same thing myself...or somethin'.
He laughs nervously as ANGEL CARTMAN leans in closer one more time.
ANGEL:
*sarcastically*
Way to impress her, fat ass.
STAN, KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY watch with some confusion.
STAN:
Did I miss something?
KYLE:
I'm not sure, but it looks awkward and might require more brain freezing.
STAN:
I'll get right on it.
STAN looks at his empty cup in sadness.
STAN:
*cont'd*
...When I get more.
CUT TO EXT. BIJOU THEATRE - NIGHT
The six kids have exited the building and are hanging out at the front.
BEBE:
*with hearts in her eyes*
Oh, my god... That Edward is so hot!
WENDY scrunches up her face.
WENDY:
He's nice to look at, but quite frankly it just seemed that he had the personality of a wet noodle.
KENNY:
[I've seen better plots in pornos.]
STAN:
They have plots?
KENNY:
[Only if you count mindless fucking as plot.]
STAN:
Huh.
CARTMAN:
*high pitched mocking*
Oh, Edward! Make love to me! Don't touch me! Make love to me! Don't touch me!
CARTMAN suddenly throws himself to the ground.
CARTMAN:
*high pitched mocking*
Oh, I've fallen again! Edward save me, but don't fucking touch me!
Everyone but BEBE laughs.
KYLE:
That's a pretty good summary of the movie, Cartman.
STAN:
At least of what I was able to follow, anyway.
BEBE:
*pissed*
Don't make fun of Bella, assholes! She's an inspirational role model to young girls everywhere!
WENDY:
*scoffs* No, she's not! She pit multiple boys against each other for her own amusement! She's a horrible horrible person that should be shot to the center of the sun!
The two girls stare angrily at each other. The boys awkwardly stand out of the way.
BEBE:
And that doesn't sound like someone you know, Wendy?
STAN snickers softly.
WENDY:
*pissed*
What're you trying to insintuate?
BEBE:
*scoffs*
I knew that coming with you was going to be a mistake, Wendy. You just don't understand Twilight like I do!
*pauses*
Bitch!
WENDY:
*pissed*
I'm the bitch? I'm not the one going around saying-
*mocking*
-"My hand still hurts from punching that whore in her fat fucking head!"
BEBE:
Hey. You deserved that punch! Fat head!
WENDY:
Bitch!
BEBE:
Slut!
WENDY:
Fat cow!
The two stare at each other for a moment before BEBE tackles WENDY with a cry. The boys' eyes go wide in shock as they watch the fight.
STAN:
Cat fight!
CARTMAN:
Wow... I so totally wish I could jack it right now.
KYLE:
What.
KENNY:
*nods*
[This is the hottest thing I've seen tonight.]
KYLE:
Seriously. That's totally sexist. Not cool, guys.
CARTMAN:
Now, Kahl. You need to stop letting Windy turn you into a pussy. I'm getting concerned for your well being.
KYLE opens his mouth to make a retort.
KENNY:
[You're just jealous that Kyle has a girlfriend.]
KYLE:
She's not my girlfriend.
STAN:
*rolls eyes*
Keep talkin', Pinocchio.
CARTMAN:
Well, I'd be getting some kissing action from BEBE if she wasn't currently trying to beat the shit out of your bitch, Jew!
WENDY and BEBE stop fighting mid swings to stare in surprise.
BEBE:
*confused*
Wait. What?
STAN:
*snickers, to KENNY*
This won't end well.
KENNY nods. CARTMAN stammers gibberish and laughs nervously.
BEBE:
This whole thing...was just to kiss me?!
CARTMAN:
Now, I can explain-
BEBE:
*pissed*
Cartman, I would never kiss you! Even if you were the last boy on the planet!
WENDY:
*hushed*
Ouch.
BEBE:
*pissed*
You're fat, racist-
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Eh.
BEBE:
*pissed*
-stupid, irresponsible-
CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit!
BEBE:
*pissed*
-foul mouthed, and smell like moldy cheese!
STAN:
Dude! That's what I said!
CARTMAN:
*screaming*
God dammit! I do not smell like fucking cheese!
CARTMAN flips BEBE a middle finger.
CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Fuck you then, BEBE! Fucking bitch! I hope Windy kicks your ass!
CARTMAN storms off.
BEBE:
*pissed*
I said moldy cheese, asshole! There's a difference!
CARTMAN:
*off screen*
Carpet licker!
BEBE:
*pissed*
Fat ass!
BEBE scoffs and storms off in the opposite direction. There is a beat of silence as the four remaining of the group look around awkwardly.
STAN:
Sadly, I think that was more entertaining than the movie.
KYLE:
I agree. Too bad Kenny's camera died. That would have been awesome YouTube material.
KENNY nods. WENDY stuffs her hands in her coat pockets and sadly looks in the direction that Bebe had vacated the scene.
CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - CARTMAN'S ROOM
STAN and KYLE enter to find CARTMAN lying in his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling.
STAN:
Hey, dude? You okay?
CARTMAN:
*flatly*
Sure.
KYLE:
Hey, at least you tried, dude.
*aside*
Kinda.
*normal*
That's really all that matters.
CARTMAN:
*flatly*
Eh. Whatever.
STAN:
*blinks*
Dude, I think he's broken.
KYLE:
Eh. He'll be back to insulting me tomorrow morning and somehow twist this around to be the fault of all Jews everywhere.
CARTMAN:
*flatly*
Fuckin' Jews.
KYLE:
See?
STAN shrugs.
STAN:
C'mon. Let's go.
The two boys leave.
STAN:
*off screen*
Lola gave me her number this afternoon.
KYLE:
*off screen*
What? Why?
STAN:
*off screen*
Probably because I untied her earlier.
KYLE:
*off screen*
Dude, do you guys even interact ever?
STAN:
*off screen, fades*
No, but she is kinda cute.
KYLE:
*off screen, fades*
Yeah. You never interact and you get her number. Makes total sense.
STAN:
*off screen, faintly*
Yeah, okay, Mr. Wendy's-Not-My-Girlfriend.
KYLE:
*off screen, faintly*
Dude! We're just friends!
Inside CARTMAN's head, three of the four CARTMANs are lying dead in various poses around the table. Blood coats nearly everything in the room. The projector in the center of the table sits crookedly and occasionally flickers on and off. A bloody knife is stuck in the wall where the projected BEBE's heart would be. CARTMAN1 stands at an open window and stares at the ceiling of CARTMAN's room.
CARTMAN1:
*darkly*
I hate you, Bebe Stevens. I hate you with every fiber in my body.
There is a close up of his face as he narrows his eyes.
CARTMAN1:
*darkly*
If I can't have you, then nobody can. You will rue the day you rejected Eric Cartman.
CUT TO EXT. TESTABURGER RESIDENCE - DUSK
PIP and BUTTERS, who is carrying a camera, walk up to the door and knock on it. The door opens and WENDY smiles brightly at the two.
WENDY:
Hi, guys! What's up?
PIP:
Oh! Good evenin', Miss Wendy! We've come to see if you'll be smiting any villainous chaps today.
BUTTERS:
Yuh-yeah! And I finally figured out how to use the camera so I can tuh-take pictures of you kicking ass!
The camera flashes and spits out a picture.
BUTTERS:
*dejected*
Aw, hamburgers! That wasn't supposed to happen!
WENDY:
No. Sorry, guys, but I think I'm going to give the superhero business a rest for a while. There's much for me to learn.
PIP:
*dejected*
Oh... So, does that mean that we'll be picked on again?
WENDY:
What? No! If somebody's giving you trouble, I'll personally put my foot up their ass!
BUTTERS:
*excited*
Wow! Really, Wendy? For nothin'?! Whuh-why I've been givin' Eric my lunch money for three weeks now to keep bullies away from me and so far that hasn't done nothin'!
WENDY:
*flatly*
That's because Cartman's an asshole, Butters.
BUTTERS:
*meekly*
Oh, well, I guess he is.
PIP:
Yes, well, thank you so much, Miss Wendy! Come along, Butters! Let us go play Wickershams and Ducklers!
BUTTERS:
Okay!
*off screen*
Can I be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar this time?
WENDY smiles as the two run off.
WENDY:
*voice over*
Maybe someday Ironing Board Girl will return.
Cut to the roof of a building somewhere in town. The setting sun casts a dark orange glow and long dark shadows. MYSTERION leans over the edge of the building and stares at the street below.
WENDY:
*voice over*
But for now...
As PIP and BUTTERS pass by below, IRONING BOARD GIRL, in a new less shoddy looking outfit, appears next to the other superhero. The only greeting he gives her is a sideways glance.
MYSTERION:
Why are you here?
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
I'm here to learn focus and control for my blood lust.
MYSTERION:
What makes you think I'll help you?
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
You help those who help others?
MYSTERION:
Are you asking or are you telling me?
IRONING BOARD GIRL:
*smirks*
Take your pick. Both are fine choices.
MYSTERION returns the smirk as he continues looking out over the town.
MYSTERION:
Smartass.
IRONING BOARD GIRL folds her arms across her chest and follows his gaze.
WENDY:
*voice over*
...the town will have to manage without her.
