Chapter Nine
The Valentine's Day Snowball Massacre


FADE IN EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS - DAY
Establishing shot.

STAN:
*off screen*
What's it say, dude?

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY
STAN, KYLE, and KENNY are standing around CARTMAN, who is wielding an envelope marked "VALENTINE".

KYLE:
Yeah, C'mon, fat ass. Don't leave us in the dark here.

KENNY:
[I can't fucking believe that someone actually wants to suck his tiny dick.]

CARTMAN:
*annoyed*
Shut the hell up, Kenny.
*reading*
"Dear Eric, words cannot express how much I love you."

The other three boys soundlessly snicker.

CARTMAN:
*reading*
"I'm always watching you from afar, waiting for the moment that you will be mine."

KENNY falls backwards into the snow, unable to contain his amusement. CARTMAN is oblivious to this.

CARTMAN:
*ecstatic* Wow, you guys! Some chick really digs my hot body, yo! *gasps* I wonder if it's Bebe or Patty Nelson?!

STAN:
*snickers*
I don't think it's Bebe, Cartman.

KYLE:
*snickers*
Yeah. Not after last weekend.

CARTMAN:
*flatly*
Shut up, Jew.

STAN and KYLE lean on each other for support in staying upright as they laugh their asses off. CARTMAN raises an eyebrow before continuing.

CARTMAN:
*reading*
"I want your hot sexy ass so bad that I can taste it."

STAN and KYLE finally collapse in fits of laughter as CARTMAN looks angrily at them.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
What the hell is so god damn funny?
*reading*
"By the way... This has been a joke, fat...ass."
*pissed*
"Love...Stan...and...Kyle..."

The fat boy rips up his Valentine and storms off screen right.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
I fucking hate you guys.

KENNY starts choking from laughing so hard.

STAN:
*laughing*
Oh my god! We're killing Kenny!

KYLE:
*laughing*
We're bastards!

The three continue laughing.

CARTMAN:
*off screen, pissed*
Hate you guys!


CUT TO EXT. CITY HALL - DAY
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. CITY HALL - MAYOR'S OFFICE
SHEILA BROFLOVSKI enters looking pissed off.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Well, well, well. If it isn't South Park's leading activist, Sheila Broflovski. What's up your ass today?

SHEILA:
There's nothing up my ass today, Mayor. I'm just concerned that our children haven't been expressing themselves very well lately.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
And this pertains to me...how?

ASSISTANT#2:
I do believe that it's your job as mayor to see to her supporter's children's needs.

ASSISTANT#1:
Are you sure that you're not confusing "mayor" with "parents"?

ASSISTANT#2:
I'd bet my balls on it.

SHEILA:
I was hoping you could help organize something...

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Hmm...

ASSISTANT#2:
Valentine's Day is coming up...

ASSISTANT#1 starts laughing.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
What is so god damn funny?

ASSISTANT#1:
I was just thinking of this stand-up comedy special I saw the other night.

ASSISTANT#2:
Oooh! I think I saw that one too! Was that the one where Ross Perot was rambling about "Water World" and his kids wanting to be naked all the time?

ASSISTANT#1:
Yeah! That's the one!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
What the hell kind of TV do you two watch?

ASSISTANT#2:
Wait! I've got it!

MAYOR MCDANIELS and SHEILA exchange confused looks.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
*puzzled*
Got what?

ASSISTANT#2:
What could be a better way for kids to express themselves on Valentine's Day?

SHEILA:
Handmade cards?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
I always did it with a bottle of Jim Beam and a vibrator. Get to the point, asshole.

Everyone looks to ASSISTANT#2.

SHEILA:
Yes, please explain. I'm a little confused.

ASSISTANT#2:
A..."Naked Time Festival"! Only for the children!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
I don't know... What with perverts like Garrison running around.

SHEILA:
Oh! It sounds like a splendid idea! My darling Kyle used to run around naked and express himself freely all the time!

ASSISTANT#1:
This can also divert everyone's attention from the recent string of exploding cows.

SHEILA:
*puzzled*
Exploding cows?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
*excitedly*
Fantastic! Starting Thursday morning the children of South Park will shed their clothing and express themselves freely for two days!

ASSISTANT#1:
And then on Friday we can have a Valentine's Day dance at Denkins' farm!

ASSISTANT#2:
And we can take advantage of the unusual warm weather to get the kids outside!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Alrighty then!

She points to ASSISTANT#2.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
*cont'd*
You go ahead and make the necessary arrangements!

ASSISTANT#2:
Huh? Me?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Yes you, you fucking asshole! Get your ass in gear!

ASSISTANT#2:
*as he leaves*
Copy that.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Mrs. Broflovski, I'd like you to chaperon this little venture.

SHEILA:
Very well, Mayor! I'll do anything to make the world a better place for our children!
*pauses*
But could you fill me in on the exploding cows?

ASSISTANT#1:
If we did, we'd have to kill you.

MAYOR MCDANIELS nods in agreement, much to SHEILA's disappointment.


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
KYLE is grabbing some books from inside his locker. WENDY, carrying a pink and red pack over her shoulder, slowly sneaks up behind him where she stands perfectly still. Cutting to a CAMERA inside the locker shows KYLE, with his tongue sticking out in concentration, leaning inside and rummaging through several loose papers. When WENDY looks over his left shoulder, his concentration suddenly breaks. The moment he looks over his shoulder, she, with a look of constrained amusement, quickly moves to his right. She lets out a hushed giggle, which causes him to look over his other shoulder. WENDY quickly sidesteps back to his left. He shrugs at finding no one there and goes back to rummaging in his locker. After returning to a more proper shot of the scene, WENDY leans in close to the boy's face.

WENDY:
What'cha doin'?

KYLE, startled witless, screams and attempts to jump to the side. He whangs his head on the locker door in the process.

KYLE:
*pained*
What the hell, dude?!

He rubs his head in an attempt to soothe any pain. WENDY laughs and bashfully avoids eye contact.

WENDY:
Sorry, Kyle. I thought it'd be funny.

KYLE:
*frowns*
Funny for you, maybe.

He closes the locker door with a metallic slam and the two walk off screen, presumably to class. Elsewhere, BUTTERS is meandering along and minding his own business.

BUTTERS:
*singing*
Duh-down by the river, I shuh-shot my bay-bee...

CRAIG and CARTMAN appear out of nowhere, run up behind the hapless boy, and pick him up rather forcefully.

BUTTERS:
Well, huh-hiya, fellahs! What kinda game we playin'?

CARTMAN:
An awesome one, Butters!

BUTTERS:
*excited*
Oh, boy! I like awesome games!

CRAIG:
Say, fat ass, What game ARE we playing?

CARTMAN:
Why, the "Shove the Pussy Melvin into a Locker" game, Craig!

BUTTERS:
Wuh-wait a minute! That doesn't sound like fun at all!

CARTMAN:
Take it like a man, pussy!

CRAIG:
Yeah!

They shove BUTTERS into a nearby open locker, spray the inside with shaving cream, then slam the door shut before BUTTERS can crawl out.

BUTTERS:
*inside the locker*
Aw-aww... It's all gooey...

WENDY:
*off screen*
So, Kyle... Have you found a Valentine's date yet?

CARTMAN and CRAIG share looks of distress.

CRAIG:
Someone's coming!

CARTMAN:
Quick! Cheese it!

The two boys run off as WENDY and KYLE enter the scene.

KYLE:
Honestly, I haven't really thought about it.

WENDY:
*disappointed*
Oh. I see.
*normal*
Well, give it some thought. I heard a rumor that Old Man Denkins is hosting a Valentine's Day dance in his barn on Friday.

KYLE stops walking and raises an eyebrow.

KYLE:
I see. And you're telling me this...why?

WENDY:
*shrugs*
I thought that, as my only friend at the moment, you'd be interested.

KYLE:
You're still pissed at Bebe for that punch to the head, huh.

WENDY sighs.

WENDY:
I'll admit, I deserved that. But the way she treated me during that baby project was unwarranted. Fuck that bitch until she apologizes for it.

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
You mean like how you treated me-

WENDY:
*quickly*
But I apologized, right?

KYLE nods.

KYLE:
Well, we can always hang out at my house and play some Okama Gamesphere with Stan and Kenny.

WENDY:
*bashfully*
Actually, I was hoping-

BUTTERS:
*inside the locker*
Huh-hello? Kuh-can you guys get me outta here?

KYLE:
*puzzled*
Butters?

WENDY:
*puzzled*
What the hell are you doing inside a locker and why did you wait so long to get our attention?

BUTTERS:
*inside the locker*
Juh-gee whiz... I didn't want to interrupt your conversation. No sir! Buh-but my legs are starting to cramp something awful. An-and it's awfully gooey in here with all this shaving cream.

WENDY:
Eww!

KYLE:
*stifled snickering*
No sweat, dude.

WENDY's eyes narrow as she studies the locker.

KYLE:
*cont'd*
I'll go get someone with a master combina-

WENDY:
*pissed*
This is my locker.

KYLE:
Really? Who the hell would-?

WENDY:
*tersely*
Cartman.

KYLE:
*pauses*
I'm ashamed of myself for even asking.


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM
All of the kids are in their seats and staring blankly ahead as MR. GARRISON writes on the blackboard. BUTTERS can be seen still covered in shaving cream.

MR. GARRISON:
Okay, class-

He finishes writing the phrase "Naked Time Festival".

MR. GARRISON:
*cont'd*
-before we begin with today's lesson about how Valentine's Day was invented by George W. Bush in the 1970's, I have an announcement to make.

CARTMAN raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN:
Does it have anything to do with the fact that Kyle is a dirty, dirty Jew and needs his balls kicked in?

KYLE:
*pissed*
Up yours, fat ass!

MR. GARRISON:
*annoyed*
For the last time, Eric, nothing in my lesson plan has anything to do with your little boyfriend or his balls.

KENNY laughs.

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
Asshole.

MR. GARRISON gestures to the blackboard.

MR. GARRISON:
So, can any of you children tell me what this is about?

The kids look at each other and give a collective shrug.

MR. GARRISON:
Well, it's good to know you little bastards keep up with current events. Yesterday, the mayor of South Park announced that, starting tomorrow morning, all you kids are to express yourselves with nudity or some artistic bull-crap like that for two whole days.

WENDY:
*pissed*
What?!

The class collectively groans.

MR. GARRISON:
I know. I think it's pretty stupid, too, but the mayor feels that it will be a good way for you to express yourselves.

WENDY:
*pissed*
Mr. Garrison, the very idea of this festival is obviously the work of some sick and twisted pervert who only wants to see us naked for his own sick pleasure!

CARTMAN:
Look out, Tokyo! Rawr! Here comes Mega-Bitchzilla to destroy the city!

WENDY:
*pissed*
I have every right to complain, fat ass! Do you want some pervert ogling your naked body?

KYLE:
Don't see that happening any time soon.

Several kids laugh.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Ay! I'm hot and sexy! Stop bein' jealous, Kahl!

CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY During a slow SWEEPING PAN, CRAIG and TERRENCE MEPHESTO are seen beating up PIP near the jungle gym. STAN is leaning up against said jungle gym on the opposite side. The SWEEPING PAN ends as KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY approach.

CARTMAN:
Shut the hell up, Jew. You don't know jack shit.

KYLE:
Up yours, tubby. I'm right about this and you know it.
*to STAN*
Hey, dude.

STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
What's up?

CARTMAN:
The Jew here claims that the Naked Time Festival is going to suck balls.

KYLE:
It will! Seriously, Cartman, what the hell are we all supposed to do while naked? How the hell is that "expressing ourselves"?

KENNY:
[I'll be expressing myself around the high school girls for sure.]

CARTMAN laughs.

STAN:
Dude! I didn't even think of the high school girls!

CARTMAN:
See? It's not so shitty any more, is it?

KYLE:
What do naked high school girls have to do with any of this?

The four boys are silent for a beat.

STAN:
Really, dude? You have to ask?

KENNY:
[They have big boobs!]

KYLE:
Yeah? So does Cartman-

STAN and KENNY laugh.

KYLE:
*cont'd*
-that doesn't mean I want to see them.

CARTMAN:
I pity you, Kahl.

KYLE:
No, you don't.

CARTMAN:
No, I do. I really do. I pity you in that you just can't understand the beauty of a naked girl like we can.

KYLE:
*tersely*
What.

CARTMAN:
I mean, if you're not interested in them there's always the high school boys and their supple muscular chests and giant throbbing dicks for you.

KENNY laughs.

KYLE:
The only giant throbbing dick I see is you, jiggle master.

STAN and KENNY laugh.

CARTMAN:
*mocking*
Ha ha! Very funny, Jew.
*normal*
You've been hanging out with Bitch-taburger too much lately. Her bitch vibes are rubbing off on to you and turning you into a bitch.

KYLE:
Are not!

KENNY:
[More like she's been rubbing him off.]

CARTMAN laughs.

CARTMAN:
*blinks*
I don't get it, Kenny.

STAN:
Actually, dude, he's right. You've bailed on us the last three nights to hang out with Wendy.

KYLE:
What? We were doing homework together.

CARTMAN:
That's how it starts, you guys. First it's-
*high pitched*
-"Let's study together!"-
*normal*
-then it's chick flicks and buying her flowers, and then she wants to eat your fireman!

KENNY:
[I wouldn't mind that last part, actually.]

KYLE:
I fail to see the big deal. We were doing homework. Besides, even if I had hung out with you guys it would have been the same thing anyway: I kick Cartman's ass in Thirst for Blood and then he cries like a fat bitch for the rest of the night.

STAN:
Actually...that's how it went even without you there...

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Shuh-shut up, Kahl! Shut your stupid Jew mouth!


CUT TO TELEVISION - CHANNEL 4 NEWS
NEWSCASTER TOM is seen at his news desk.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
-after which Seth McFarlane cried like a little bitch.

A graphic reading "Naked Time Festival" appears at the top right of the screen.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
And in today's top story, South Park's Mayor McDaniels recently announced a new two day long Valentine's Day festival encouraging children young and old to be more expressive with nudity. For more information on this we'll go to our newest female reporter, Tine Edict. Tine?

The scene cuts to a normal looking blonde woman standing in front of City Hall. The men of South Park, including RANDY MARSH and GERALD BROFLOVSKI, can be seen picketing with handwritten signs.

NEWS REPORTER TINE:
Thanks, Tom! Many citizens of the small mountain town of South Park are questioning the morality of a "Naked Time Festival" for children. Some citizens just don't seem to care. Then there's those such as these men who are all about the high school girls.

Several of the signs can be seen with sayings such as "Titties 4 Life", "No Old and Saggies!", "Young is beautiful!", and "My wife makes better lasagne than your wife!"

NEWS REPORTER TINE:
As a registered sex offender, you can bet your *beep*able ass that I'll be there ogling those girls as I pleasure myself with my big black dildo! Back to you, Tom!

The scene cuts back to a confused NEWSCASTER TOM.

NEWSCASTER TOM:
Right... Uh, thanks, Tine. In other news, three more cows were found exploded at the South Park Ranch. When questioned, local authorities stated "Move along. Nothing to see here." We'll have more on the story as it develops.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY
During the establishing shot, the end of day bell rings. The front doors burst open allowing the children freedom for the rest of the day. The CAMERA cuts closer to STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY.

CARTMAN:
So, I was thinkin', you guys, that we crash this dance on Friday with a giant snowball fight.

KYLE:
Snowball fight?

STAN:
Sounds more interesting than dancing to Faith Hill or country or whatever.

KYLE:
Who would we be going up against?

CARTMAN:
Well-

CARTMAN suddenly flies forward and lands face down in the snow.

STAN:
Dude!

The boys look to find a pissed WENDY standing where CARTMAN had been. The fat boy pulls his head out of a snow drift and shakes the snow off his head.

WENDY:
*pissed*
Fat ass!

CARTMAN:
*stands, pissed*
What up, bitch?

WENDY:
*pissed*
Mind telling me why you filled my locker with fucking shaving cream?!

CARTMAN:
*laughs*
That was hilarious.

WENDY shoves him again.

WENDY:
*pissed*
I didn't think so, fat ass! All my books have been ruined!

CARTMAN:
Well, maybe if you stopped bein' such a Super Mega Beeyatch...

She lunges at him with a cry before being restrained by both STAN and KYLE.

STAN:
Whoa, dude!

KYLE:
Jesus Christ!

WENDY:
*pissed*
I choose you, fat ass!

CARTMAN:
Fine! You wanna fight, dawg?

WENDY:
*struggles against STAN and KYLE*
I'll do more than fight you! I'll stomp the fucking fat out of your ass!

STAN:
*excitedly*
Like the ketchup packets at lunch?

KYLE:
Sweet!

CARTMAN:
Fine, bitch! Tomorrow after school!

WENDY breaks free and gets in CARTMAN's face.

WENDY:
*hushed, pissed*
We do it right here.

CARTMAN:
Fine!

WENDY:
*pissed*
Fine!

WENDY storms off. CARTMAN, looking pleased with himself, turns back to the other boys.

CARTMAN:
To answer your question, Jew, our enemy will be...

When CARTMAN grins psychotically, the other boys gain puzzled expressions.

CARTMAN:
...Wendy Testaburger and her girl army tomorrow after school. And I aim for the battle to be victorious. It'll be...a Valentine's Day snowball massacre.
*laughs*
I can't defeat her myself. Round up the rest of the boys, gentleman. We have plans to discuss.

STAN:
*walks off*
Round them up yourself.

KYLE:
*walks off*
Yeah. We're not getting involved in your personal vendetta, Jigglypuff.

KENNY just shrugs in response to CARTMAN's quizzical look.

CARTMAN:
*sighs*
God dammit, you-
*pissed*
Ay! Stop comparing me to fucking cheese!

KYLE:
*off screen*
I said "vendetta" not "Velveeta", fat ass!

CARTMAN:
*to KENNY*
What the fuck is a vendetta?

KENNY shrugs.


CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - NIGHT
Establishing shot.

CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM
KYLE is tossing and turning as he attempts to sleep.

KYLE:
*muttering*
...bacon maple...sundae...

He tosses and turns rather violently.

KYLE:
*muttering*
...bacon? Bacon?

He suddenly sits up, with a small scream, wide awake and looking very confused. Sweat mats the red hair sticking out from under his hat to his brow and his pajama collar to his neck.

KYLE:
*confused*
What the hell? Where am-

He slowly looks around.

KYLE:
*confused*
My room...? I'm...in my room? Wow. That was realis-

He opens and closes his mouth a few times.

KYLE:
*confused*
Why does my mouth taste like bacon?

The faint sound of timid tapping on glass is heard as he buries his face into his palm.

KYLE:
*sighs*
I wish these dreams would go away.

He pays the sound no mind until it's heard again.

KYLE:
Huh?

He hops off the bed and approaches the window. Pulling back the curtain reveals WENDY on the exact opposite side of the glass from KYLE. They both stare at each other for a shocked moment before KYLE opens the window.

KYLE:
*hushed*
What are you doing here?

WENDY:
*hushed*
Um...

KYLE:
*hushed*
Actually, how the hell did you even climb up the side of the house?

WENDY:
*hushed*
I... Um, can I come in?

KYLE:
*hushed*
Just be quiet. If my mom finds you here we're both dead.

The girl crawls through the window with minimal fuss, sighs, and sits herself on KYLE's bed.

KYLE:
*hushed*
You didn't answer my question.

WENDY:
*hushed*
I...couldn't sleep.

KYLE:
*hushed*
I know the feeling.

WENDY:
*hushed*
The dreams again?

KYLE sits on the bed next to her.

KYLE:
*hushed*
The same one where we're adults and looking for Cartman.

WENDY:
*hushed*
Me too... This is the third time this week.

KYLE:
*hushed*
If you and I weren't experiencing the exact same thing, I'd say that we were crazy.

WENDY:
*hushed*
Maybe we are.

KYLE:
Hmm...

There is silence for a moment.

WENDY:
*hushed*
Speaking of...crazy... I didn't come here because of insomnia.

KYLE:
*hushed*
Okay.

WENDY:
*hushed*
Kyle, I need to know something...

WENDY sighs.
KYLE:
*hushed, puzzled*
Know what?

WENDY:
*hushed*
You remember what happened between us that first night we discovered we shared this...whatever it is?

KYLE nods.

KYLE:
*hushed*
Yeah. We met outside the cemet-

WENDY:
*hushed*
No. After that.

KYLE:
*hushed*
Oh.
*realization*
Oh! Wha- What about it?

WENDY:
*hushed*
I... Where do we go from there?

KYLE's face scrunches up in a lopsided frown.

KYLE:
*hushed*
I'm still trying to work out how you got up here.


CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING
STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY are waiting for the bus. All three are completely naked except for STAN's and CARTMAN's hats.

STAN:
I can't believe how warm it is for February.

KENNY:
If it means seeing titties, I'd have done this in the freezing cold anyway.

CARTMAN:
Screw that. Titties are awesome, but I don't know if they're THAT awesome.

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:
So...where's the Jew?

STAN:
Dunno. I thought Kyle'd be here by now.

KYLE enters the scene also naked, except for his hat.

STAN:
Hey, dude.

CARTMAN looks KYLE up and down.

CARTMAN:
Well, hello, Mr. I've-Got-a-Small-Penis!

KENNY snickers.

KYLE:
Fuck off, Cartman.

CARTMAN:
Jesus Christ! All I said was hello and look what he says to me! Pull that god damn monkey outta yer ass!

KYLE:
I have a monkey up my ass?

CARTMAN:
Well, unless my own ears have deceived me, I believe that's what I said, asshole!

KYLE:
You had a physical recently, right?

CARTMAN:
...Why?

KYLE:
Did the doctor tell you how to get that angry elephant out of your ass?

STAN, KYLE, and KENNY laugh.

CARTMAN:
*mocking*
Ahah ha haaaa!
*pissed*
Drink my pee, you pee drinking Jew.

The other three boys share a glance.

STAN:
You know, even I have to admit that's kinda gross, dude.

KENNY:
I think he's trying to compensate for the micro-dick.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Ay!

KYLE:
Yeah, it's at least three times smaller than mine.

CARTMAN makes a comparison.

CARTMAN:
Sonova- Hey! It's not my fault that he's hiding right now!

The other three boys laugh.

STAN:
*rolls eyes*
Retard.

KYLE:
Hey, you guys hear about those dead cows again?

STAN:
Yeah, dude. This is like the fourth week in a row now.

KENNY:
What kind of sick fuck would blow up cows?

The boys think for a moment and then stare at CARTMAN.

CARTMAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
The hell're you lookin' at me for?

STAN:
We're imagining you shoving bombs up cows' asses.

CARTMAN:
What?! Why?!

KYLE:
'Cause, fat ass! If we can come up with a plausible story with evidence to back it up we can turn you in to the cops and get a big ass reward for your big ass!

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Jesus Christ, you guys! What the hell is this? Gang up and fuck Cartman day?!

The bus pulls up.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
An' I'm not fat, god dammit!


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY
STAN removes a few books from his locker and shuts it before he walks down the corridor. WENDY comes around the corner behind him and rushes to catch up, all the while trying to cover parts of her body with her books.

WENDY:
Hi, Stan!

STAN:
Hey, Wendy.

STAN raises an eyebrow.

STAN:
*cont'd*
Nice outfit. AP English looks good on you.

WENDY:
*frowns*
Like yours is any better.

STAN:
*shrugs*
I'm getting through the day by pretending that I'm at least wearing underwear.

WENDY snickers and then the two fall into a short uncomfortable silence.

WENDY:
*timidly*
Stan, can I ask you a question?

STAN:
Sure, dude.

WENDY:
It's about tomorrow night.

STAN abruptly stops walking.

STAN:
Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm not taking you to the dance, dude. I thought I made it perfectly clear that-

WENDY:
I don't want you to take me, Stan. Although I'm flattered that you thought that.

STAN:
Oh.

WENDY:
Would you have a problem if...
*pauses*
...I went with Kyle?

STAN:
*blinks*
Kyle? Why are you asking me?

WENDY:
Because he's your best friend.

The two stare at each other for a moment.

STAN:
That lying little bitch.

WENDY:
Hunh?

STAN:
*amused*
We tried to get Kyle to admit that there was something going on between you guys yesterday.

WENDY:
But there hasn't been anything going on.

STAN:
*smirks*
Uh huh. And Cartman skips lunch.

WENDY:
Well...
*pauses*
Okay, maybe a little bit, but it's...kind of complicated.

STAN shrugs with a smirk and continues walking off screen. WENDY follows.

STAN:
*amused*
Well, complicated or not, I was wondering when this would happen.
*off screen*
I mean, you guys are a lot alike.

WENDY:
*horrified*
That doesn't tell me anything, Stan!

WENDY stops walking.

WENDY:
*horrified*
Stan! Wait a min-

Her voice dies when BUTTERS suddenly comes up beside her.

BUTTERS:
*bashfully*
Wuh-well, hiya, Wendy!

WENDY:
Hey, Butters. No shaving cream today, I hope?

He wrings his hands in nervousness.

BUTTERS:
*bashfully*
Well, suh-see that's why I'm here. I think. Aw, jeez.

WENDY:
Are you okay?

BUTTERS:
*bashfully*
Wuh-well, you're naked as a jay bird...

WENDY:
*frowns*
Well, so are you, and not because we want to be, so I'd say we're even in that regard.

BUTTERS' eyes drift downwards.

BUTTERS:
*stressed*
I-I know, but... Jeez Louise... I was supposed to tell ya somethin', but I can't remember what it was!

WENDY:
Tell me something? What was it?

When BUTTERS doesn't respond WENDY snaps her fingers and points to her face.

WENDY:
*pissed*
Hey! Eyes up here, jerkwad!

BUTTERS jumps in fear and obeys her command.

BUTTERS:
*stressed*
Oh, hamburgers! Eh-Eric wants to see you in his office! Thuh-there! I said it!

WENDY:
*raises an eyebrow*
He has an office?

BUTTERS nods nervously and merely points to the boys' restroom door.

WENDY:
*snarkily*
Oh. How convenient.

She looks around quickly before pushing open the door and walking through. Inside, nothing seems odd or out of place until a hand holding a mirror appears in the gap between the floor and stall wall.

CARTMAN:
Ah, Windy Testicleburger. I've been expecting you.

WENDY:
Really, fat ass? I was hoping to avoid watching you take a crap.

The stall door opens on its own.

CARTMAN:
I assure you there's nothing to see here. Please step into my office.

WENDY rolls her eyes and steps into the open stall. Turns out that CARTMAN had been holding it open with a Comfort Wipe (TM) easy wipe rod. Inside, he has set up a desk in front of the toilet. Papers and trinkets ranging from Mega Men figurines, a tiny globe, and a jar of what appear to be mints neatly litter his desk. He leans the rod-like tool against the stall wall before gesturing to said jar. A pair of reading glasses adorn his face.

CARTMAN:
Care for a mint?

WENDY shakes her head in disgust.

WENDY:
*tersely*
What the hell do you want, fat ass?

CARTMAN:
Well, excuse me for bein' polite, Miss Impatient-Pants.

He removes the glasses from his face, folds them, and sets them on the desk.

CARTMAN:
I requested your presence to remind you to prepare to meet your maker this afternoon.

WENDY:
*pissed*
You brought me in here to tell me that?! Oh, for fuck's sake!

CARTMAN:
I'm only tryin' to be civil here, Windy.

He again gestures to the jar on his desk.

CARTMAN:
You sure you don't want a mint?

The two stare at each other in silence for the briefest of moments.

WENDY:
Knowing you they're probably your mom's crack whore pills.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Eat a god damn mint!

WENDY:
*coldly*
This afternoon I will hunt you down and make you eat your balls.

She walks away.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit! Civilized people eat mints!

After the door squeaks closed CARTMAN backhands the jar, sending it and its contents flying everywhere. He pounds his fists on his desk.

CARTMAN:
God dammit! I was so close!

The door squeaks open as someone enters the room.

CLYDE:
*off screen*
Wow! Mints!

CARTMAN:
*tersely*
Jesus Christ. They're muscle relaxers, Clyde.

CLYDE:
*off screen*
Oh.


CUT TO EXT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE/SOUTH PARK HIGH SCHOOL FRONT GROUNDS - DAY
Establishing shot of the BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE. GERALD exits the house with a sly smile on his face. He shiftily looks side to side before he pulls a child's walkie-talkie from a pocket.

GERALD:
*hushed*
Patsy to Kline. Come in, Kline!

RANDY, hiding in some bushes in front of the high school, looks at his walkie-talkie in confusion.

GERALD:
*hushed*
Randy, you're Kline.

RANDY:
Uh, yeah. I know that, but I thought you were going to be Calvin.

GERALD:
*hushed*
It doesn't matter! You got a good position?

RANDY:
It does matter, Gerry! You can't just change your code name like that! How do I know it's even you?!

GERALD:
*hushed*
Do you have a good position or not, Randy?

RANDY:
Fine. Yeah. I got a great view in the front of the school. You need to get here soon! They're getting ready for- Holy shit, Gerry! You should see the size of the tits on this one girl!

GERALD:
*hushed*
How big are they?

RANDY:
Jesus Christ! She's ugly as fuck, but god damn, they're bigger than that Cartman kid's huge ass!

GERALD:
Oh, wow! I'll be there as soon as I can!

SHEILA:
*off screen*
Gerald, who are you talking to?

GERALD:
*innocently*
No one, honey.

SHEILA:
*off screen*
Oh. Well, are you going somewhere?

GERALD:
Uh, sure. I'm going to the...drug store. Yeah! The drug store!

SHEILA:
*off screen*
Oh, good! While you're there could you pick up some cough medicine for Ike?

GERALD:
Uh, sure, honey! Be back soon!

He runs off while chanting the word "titties".


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA
The boys are waiting in line.

CARTMAN:
You guys, I'm kinda cold right about nyah.

KYLE:
Normally, I'd say that that's a personal problem, fat ass, but I actually agree with you.

STAN:
Yeah. I'd give my balls for my underwear.

KENNY:
But with no balls you wouldn't be able to jizz on a chick's face.

The boys laugh.

CARTMAN:
That's gross, Kenny.

KENNY shrugs as they enter the kitchen.

CHEF:
Hello there, children!

STAN/KYLE/CARTMAN/KENNY:
*in unison*
Hey, Chef!

CHEF:
How're my little crackas today?

KYLE:
Bad.

CHEF:
I figured as much when I saw the news last night, children. That's why I whipped up a batch of my world famous sweet n' spicy chili!

STAN:
You made chili? Kick ass!

CARTMAN:
Yeah! Your chili's the best, Chef!

CHEF:
It's spicy enough to keep all you li'l crackas warm on those cold lonely winter nights!

CARTMAN:
Sweet!

STAN:
Thanks, Chef!

STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY grab trays and vacate the room.

CHEF:
You okay, Kyle?

KYLE:
Chef, what do you do if your best friend's ex-girlfriend asks you to take her to a dance?

CHEF:
Well, that depends, Kyle. How long has she been an ex?

KYLE:
Um... About three months?

CHEF:
Well, if it's just a one night stand of passionate lovemaking, then I say go for it without question.

KYLE:
Uh...

CHEF:
*frowns*
If you're going for a long lasting relationship, then it all depends on whether he's still hung up on her, children.

KYLE:
*frowns*
I don't think he is. They had a nasty fight, but now they're friends.

CHEF:
Either way, tread lightly, Kyle. You don't want to be caught with your pants down.

KYLE:
*looks down*
But I'm not wearing pants.

CHEF:
Metaphorically, children. Actually, I think I might have a song for that might help clear things up.

KYLE:
That's okay, Chef. Talking it out actually helped!

KYLE vacates the room.

CHEF:
*frowns*
Li'l cracka's got himself wrapped up tightly in this one. God help him.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY
Near the slide, CARTMAN and KENNY are seen filling buckets with snow.

CARTMAN:
Get the lead out, Kenny! We've got precious time to pack all this snow up!

KENNY:
Why can't we just use the snow out front?

KYLE:
*off screen*
Stan, I need to talk to you.

CARTMAN:
Just shut up and fill those buckets, asshole!

STAN:
*off screen*
What about?

CARTMAN:
And make sure you get those little rocks in there, too!

The CAMERA follows STAN and KYLE as they walk past.

KYLE:
It's...about Wendy.

KENNY:
*off screen, annoyed*
Fine, fine...

STAN:
Funny. She mentioned something about you guys this morning.

KYLE:
*surprised*
She-she did?

STAN:
Yeah. So you're taking her to the dance tomorrow, right?

KYLE:
I, uh, yeah... Um, you're okay with that?

STAN:
*shrugs*
She's not my girlfriend. Why should I care?

KYLE:
Yeah, but you were so...

STAN:
Eh. It is what it is, dude. She's my friend, nothing more. I'm just glad it's you and not some random jackass.

KYLE:
*blinks*
But... Dude...

STAN:
Dude.

STAN shrugs.

STAN:
*cont'd*
You have more in common with her than I do. Besides, I don't think I could ever again, not after that breach of trust. I mean, Wendy's cool, but yeah, I don't think I could ever consider her girlfriend material again.

KYLE:
But I don't want to lose my best friend over this.

STAN:
*blinks*
Dude, stop being retarded. You asked me if I was okay with it and I am. End of story. Actually, it's been three months. I'm surprised it took you guys this long.

KYLE:
It's...kinda complicated.

STAN:
Funny. Wendy said the same thing.

KYLE:
Yeah, well, still. We didn't want to piss you off or anything.

STAN:
Eh. I've learned something from the whole thing.

KYLE:
What's that?

STAN:
Life's too short to be pissed.

KYLE:
Huh. How'd you figure that out?

STAN:
Actually, I'm not sure. Star Trek: Voyager?

KYLE:
You're a ga-jillion light years away from home with no hope of returning in your lifetime and have a sexy Borg as a crewman?

STAN:
I- Wait. A sexy Borg? When did that happen?!


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT GROUNDS
CARTMAN and KENNY are hiding in a tree with mounds of yellow snowballs at their disposal.

CARTMAN:
Where the hell are Stan and Kyle?

KENNY:
*swinging his legs*
Kyle said he had some "business" to attend to. I dunno where Stan is.

CARTMAN:
*irked*
Pfft. Figures. Those assholes are always out to ruin my plans of greatness.

KENNY:
You ruin them yourself, actually.

CARTMAN:
*sighs*
Shut the hell up, Kenny. Regardless of those two fags, we carry on with the plan. Are the rest of the guys in position?

When KENNY shrugs in response CARTMAN goes silent for a moment.

CARTMAN:
*irked*
God dammit, Keenny! You had one job to do and that was to freakin' round up the guys and brief them on the god damn mission!

KENNY:
Up yours, fat ass! You've had me collecting snow all god damn afternoon!

CARTMAN:
Whatever. We'll just have to rely on spontaneity to get the job done. It works in musicals.

KENNY nods.

CARTMAN:
Our goal today, simple as it may be, is to make as many of the girls spill their sweet sweet tears of pain and embarrassment to the ground. We do this and the day will forever be known as...
*dramatic pause*
...The Valentine's Day Snowball Massacre.

KENNY:
But...it's not Valentine's Day.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
It's close enough, god dammit! Let me have this!

KENNY reluctantly nods. The fat boy grabs a snowball from the pile nearby and leans forward in anticipation.

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
Get ready, Kenny! The bell's about to ring!

As if on cue, the bell rings loudly and echoes across the grounds. As soon as kids start pouring out of the front doors-

CARTMAN:
Now, Kenny!

-the blonde boy takes a whistle and attempts to blow into it with a less than stellar result.

CARTMAN:
I said now, Kenny!

KENNY tries again with the same result. He looks at the whistle in confusion.

CARTMAN:
*irked*
God dammit, Kenny!

KENNY:
It's broken?

CARTMAN:
*irked*
Jesus tap dancing Christ! I'll do it!

CARTMAN brings two fingers to his mouth and blows a loud shrill whistle before pointing to the herd of children on the grounds below.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Schneeballschlacht, Arschlöcher!

Out amongst the crowd, CLYDE and CRAIG give each other devious looks.

CLYDE:
Snowball fight!

CRAIG:
Let's do this!

They, and a few other boys within the shot, arm themselves with frozen ammunition and fire at their nearest female targets. At the door of the school, STAN casually walks out and immediately ducks with a scream as a snowball strikes the door frame inline with where his head had been. He looks up like a deer in headlights to find BEBE, RED, and LOLA grinning mischievously at him.

BEBE:
There he is, girls! Bring him down and we'll be a step closer to getting Cartman!

STAN:
*panicked*
Oh, fuh-

Back in the tree, KENNY is firing ammo haphazardly into the crowd as CARTMAN scans the scene with binoculars.

CARTMAN:
Where are you, Weendy? Chickening out, are we? Afraid that you'd lose the battle?
*shouting*
Come out and face me like a man, Wendy Testaburger!

STAN runs, screaming, underneath them with BEBE and the other girls giving chase.

CARTMAN:
Hello there! Kenny, attack those girls!


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY OUTSIDE LIBRARY
KYLE and WENDY vacate the large wooden doorway with piles of books in their arms.

KYLE:
Do we really need this many books?

WENDY:
Well, when you consider that dreaming has much literature written about it, yes. Then you have to factor in anything written specifically about mutual dreaming-

KYLE:
Of which there is very little.

WENDY:
-which would then lead to the conclusion that we have much to read about for even the tiniest piece of information.

KYLE:
Point taken. I've also considered another possibility about all of this.

WENDY:
What's that?

KYLE:
What if it wasn't a dream?

WENDY:
Like the dreams are suppressed memories?

KYLE:
Something like that.

WENDY:
I've considered that as well. It's possible, but how else could we have memories of a time when we were older and of events that never happened?

KYLE:
Maybe time's cyclical?

WENDY:
Maybe. And let's not forget...

She kisses him on the cheek.

CARTMAN:
*faintly*
Come out and fight me, Wendy!

The two look around confused.

KYLE:
What the hell was that?

WENDY:
I dunno, but I feel like I'm forgetting something.

KYLE:
Huh.

A very injured and ragged looking LOLA approaches the two where she suddenly collapses.

LOLA:
*weakly*
Wendy...

KYLE:
Holy shit, dude!

WENDY:
*kneels*
Lola! What's wrong! What happened?!

LOLA:
*weakly*
Bebe... Captured...by...Cartman...

WENDY:
Oh, shit! That's what I was forgetting!

KYLE:
He must have taken her hostage when you didn't show.

WENDY:
*stands, pissed*
That fat bastard!

After WENDY drops her books and takes off running down the hallway, KYLE looks down at the still LOLA for a moment before following. When they get to the main foyer, WENDY halts them both with a gasp. Several kids are unconscious in various poses with exploded snowballs plastered across various surfaces like scorch marks from artillery strikes.

KYLE:
Yeah... I'm thinking we should proceed with caution.

WENDY:
I concur.

KYLE:
I'm also thinking we should-

BUTTERS suddenly leaps out from behind a trash can-

BUTTERS:
*shouting*
I found her! I found the bitch Wendy!

-and throws a snowball that splatters harmlessly on the book that KYLE suddenly shields WENDY's face with.

KYLE:
That's the last time we consider letting you out of a locker, Butters!

BUTTERS:
But- But- Eric said-

KYLE:
Cartman said what?

BUTTERS:
Eric said that the bitch Wendy must die.

BUTTERS wrings his hands.

BUTTERS:
*cont'd*
An' whuh-well, I thought that if I was the one to do her in good then maybe Eric would stop pickin' on me so much.

WENDY:
Butters, I thought I told you the other day that-

A snowball suddenly flies from nowhere and beans BUTTERS in the side of the head. He falls to the ground with a cry and continues crying as he curls up in a fetus position.

WENDY:
*surprised*
-Cartman's a dick?

A second snowball silences the boy. KYLE and WENDY look up in surprise to find a hatless STAN standing in the entrance doorway.

STAN:
Guess I saved your asses.

WENDY:
Actually, it was Sigmund Freud who saved me initially.

STAN:
Who?

WENDY:
It doesn't matter.

KYLE:
Dude, what the hell happened to you?

STAN:
I tried to save Lola when Kenny and Cartman ambushed her, Bebe, and Red, but Craig and Clyde surprised me and branded me a traitor. Assholes took my hat.
*darkly*
Nobody takes my hat.

WENDY:
What's the situation out there?

STAN:
The girls are scattered, unorganized, and getting slaughtered. Bebe and Red probably would have held up okay and led the girls to an easy win if they hadn't been focused on targeting me for whatever retarded reason.

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
Why would they do that?

STAN shrugs.

STAN:
Not sure. I do know that there's a few pockets of the guys hanging around, but being since they play a lot of Call of Duty, they have a superior edge over whoever's left.

WENDY:
So basically, it's going to be me versus everyone.

STAN:
What about the rest of the girls?

WENDY:
Fuck them. They ostracized me for not wanting to play with screaming dolls.

STAN:
Ostrich-sized?

WENDY:
No, ostracized. You know, to not include someone in something?

STAN gives a uncomprehending look to KYLE, who merely shrugs his shoulders.

STAN:
What's a big bird have to do with that?

WENDY:
*sighs*
Nevermind. Let's go.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - FRONT ENTRANCE
PIP is patrolling near the doorway with TOKEN and another kid. As soon as he passes, the double doors burst open and KYLE slides out. The three surprised boys quickly turn, but fail to react when STAN suddenly barrel rolls out from behind KYLE. The two boys snowball PIP and the unnamed kid in their heads. WENDY pokes her head from around the door and takes a cheap shot at TOKEN, sending him to the ground with the other two. STAN motions to the other two and they take off running into the battlefield.

Elsewhere, TWEEK, KEVIN, and MARK COTZWALD have a couple of unnamed girls cornered by a huge snowdrift. On the other side of the drift, WENDY is running along side STAN and KYLE. The two boys leap up to climb over it, while WENDY throws herself to the ground feet first to slide directly into it. As soon as the two boys reach the top and have jumped off said drift, time stops. TWEEK, KEVIN, and MARK have looked up with shock and/or possibly fear in their eyes. STAN and KYLE are mid-air and poised to strike against the other boys. The cornered girls are looking at the snow drift in surprise as it's starting to topple on them. Time suddenly resumes with WENDY bursting through the wall of snow and accidentally kicking MARK in the balls as she crashes into him. All the while the snowdrift completes its task and crushes the girls. STAN and KYLE bean KEVIN and TWEEK in their faces and land running.

Elsewhere on the battlefield, the three are running towards their destination, CARTMAN and KENNY in the big tree. The sights and sounds of battle can be seen and heard everywhere, boys versus girls and girls versus boys. Every once in awhile a kid of either gender will pop up out of nowhere ready to attack, only to be attacked themselves. Suddenly, JIMMY and TIMMY block the path.

TIMMY:
Timmah!

JIMMY:
You shall nah-

As he struggles to get out the word "not", KYLE dives underneath TIMMY's wheelchair, STAN takes a running sideways slide between the two, and WENDY gently taps them both with snow as she passes.

WENDY:
Sorry, boys. No offense.

As the three run off-

JIMMY:
-pass. Well, that didn't go over well, very much.

TIMMY:
Livin' a lie, Timmah!

When they finally arrive at the tree, they find KENNY using bound BEBE and RED as shields.

BEBE:
*exasperated*
Oh, my god! Wendy! I am so glad to see you!

WENDY:
This is the second time within a week that Bebe's been tied up.

KYLE:
Yeah. So?

WENDY:
I'm almost beginning to think she likes it.

BEBE:
*flatly*
You know I can hear you, right?

KENNY:
*waves*
Hey, guys.

STAN/KYLE:
*unison*
Hey, Kenny.

RED:
*exasperated*
Be careful, Wendy! Cartman's snowballs are-

RED's face suddenly explodes with snow as BEBE and KENNY look on in shock.

WENDY:
Let's make this perfectly clear: I'm not here for either of you bitches. I'm here for the fat ass.

BEBE:
*pissed*
You bitch!

When she raises a snowball at KENNY, STAN and KYLE do the same.

WENDY:
Where is he?

KENNY:
*to STAN and KYLE*
What's going on?

STAN:
Sorry, Kenny.

KYLE:
Yeah, dude. We're not siding with Cartman.

WENDY:
Where is he, Kenny?

KENNY is nervously silent.

WENDY:
I've already beaned that Mark kid in the balls. Don't make me do the same to you.

STAN:
She did, dude. He cried like a bitch.

KENNY:
Fuck...

WENDY:
Well?

KENNY:
He's-

The back of KENNY's head explodes in a yellow mess. As soon as he falls forward another yellow snowball flies past where he had been standing and makes a beeline right for WENDY. KYLE shoves her out of the way and gets a face full of yellow snow. He lands on the ground in a fetus position and makes choking sounds.

WENDY:
Kyle!

KYLE:
*chokes*
Fucking pee!

STAN:
Gross, dude!

CARTMAN's laughter is heard from behind the tree.

CARTMAN:
I told that Jew to drink my pee! I didn't think that today would be the day he would!

WENDY:
Come out and face me, fat ass!

CARTMAN:
Okay!

The fat boy leaps out from behind said tree and, before STAN or WENDY can react, sends a yellow snowball in their direction that grazes between them.

STAN:
*leans back*
Holy shit!

WENDY lobs her own snowball at CARTMAN that hits the ground where he had been before he rolled out of the way. He scrambles back towards the tree as another snowball hits near him.

CARTMAN:
Jesus Christ!

He leans back against the tree next to a cowering BEBE as a few snowballs explode against the trunk.

CARTMAN:
Two against one! That's not very fair, assholes!

STAN throws a snowball that hits the front of the tree.

STAN:
You weigh enough for three people, fat ass!

CARTMAN cringes at a near miss.

CARTMAN:
I'm not fat, god dammit!

BEBE:
Untie me, Cartman.

CARTMAN:
*surprised*
What?! After last Saturday?

He laughs.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Why the hell should I do that?

BEBE:
I'll help you take the stupid bitch down.

A snowball hits the tree near CARTMAN's head again, causing him to cringe forward.

CARTMAN:
Which one? They're both stupid bitches.

Back at STAN and WENDY-

WENDY:
I'm beginning to think the giant pussy isn't going to come out.

STAN:
He'll come out. He'll go hungry in the next five minutes or something if he doesn't.

CARTMAN suddenly slides out from behind the tree on the right and lets fly airborne snow. When STAN and WENDY dodge in opposite directions, BEBE slides out from the opposite side of the tree and pegs STAN in the head. STAN goes down in a heap, much to WENDY's horror. She lobs a ball at BEBE and pegs her in the stomach, but not before CARTMAN grazes her on the shoulder. She spins around and almost falls, but remains standing.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
What the hell?! I hit you, bitch! I win!

WENDY:
*pissed*
Grazes don't count, fat ass!

The two bend down to make more ammunition.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Fine! Guess I'll just have to hit you squahr in the nuts!

WENDY:
*pissed*
Girls don't have nuts, you retard!

The two straighten up and both lob their balls at the same time. Both balls collide with each other mid-flight and mid-distance between the two. They both watch as the newly formed misshapen snowball flies straight up in the air and then falls to the ground.

WENDY:
Huh. You don't see that every day.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Stop mocking me, you bitch!

The two bend down, make another snowball each, and straighten up. CARTMAN feints a throw, which causes WENDY to immediately let hers go. He dodges and beans her in the shoulder when she tries to make another snowball in a panic. She flies backward at an awkward angle with an angered cry, lands in the snow near KYLE, and doesn't move. CARTMAN stares at the downed WENDY in shock.

CARTMAN:
*shocked*
I won...
*excited*
Oh, my fucking god! I won!

He begins dancing.

CARTMAN:
Sca-rew you, Weendy Testaburger! I kicked your stupid ass!

He laughs mockingly.

WENDY:
*weakly*
Up yours, fat ass.

CARTMAN digs around in his nearby backpack.

CARTMAN:
That's fine, Wendy. Call me what you want, 'cause I just kicked your bitch ass in a snowball fight!

WENDY groans. He produces a camera and snaps a photo of the scene.

CARTMAN:
This'll be perfect for my scrapbook. I'll think I'll call it...Snowballed Bitch over Pee Faced Jew.

He grabs his pack and walks away laughing.

CARTMAN:
Screw you guys! I'm goin' home...to gloat on Facebook!

WENDY crawls closer to KYLE with a groan.

WENDY:
*weakly*
Kyle? You okay?

KYLE:
*weakly*
I got hit...in the face...with Cartman's pee.

WENDY:
I know. That's gross, dude. Don't expect any kisses from me.

STAN laughs from his facedown position nearby. KYLE falls silent as WENDY sits up. She looks up as a series of police vehicles, with their lights and sirens blaring, fly past on the nearby highway. This prompts STAN to prop himself up with his hands.

STAN:
Were those police sirens?

WENDY:
Yeah. Looks like they were heading towards the high school.

This prompts KYLE to sit up.

KYLE:
I wonder what's going on?

He smacks his lips together and sticks out his tongue in disgust.

KYLE:
*disgusted*
Aw... It's all salty.

WENDY:
Ewww!

STAN:
*laughs*
Gross, dude.

[To be continued...]