Notes: There is a chapter that is supposed to take place before this one, titled "Paranormal Elementary." In it, strange things happen at South Park Elementary. Kids see strange events and hear strange voices.

Cartman is initially fingered by school staff as the culprit until Stan suggests that the paranormal is at work. Throughout the story, people randomly react to Stan as if he is a ghost, even if they had previously acknowledged his presence or were in the middle of a conversation with him. Cartman and Wendy disappear and reappear at random intervals with nobody noticing but Stan. Eventually, a fairy ring is discovered in the boiler room. They try various tactics to close it, from lawn care products to Cartman farting on it. It takes dancing to Irish Celtic music to close it.

There also would have been a subplot involving Randy and St. Patrick's Day that would have led to the resolution of the main story. (I never got that far in the plotting of this one.)

This unwritten chapter also would have led into the events of the episode "The Return of Chef", which serves as the basis for the current chapter.


Chapter Twelve
A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead


FADE IN EXT. A LONG AND WINDING WOODED ROAD - NIGHT
Rain falls quietly among the snow covered conifer trees as a slight breeze causes the branches of said trees to sway back and forth in a dance unheard to human ears. A church bell echoes forlornly in the distance. The sound of a pine cone falling ungracefully to the ground is marred by the scraping sounds of shoes quickly running on wet pavement. Panicked breathing can be heard before overcome by the church bell ringing once more.

Flashbacks, marked with italics, occur during this scene.

DR. DOCTOR emerges from the emergency room with a forlorn expression. He looks to the CAMERA.

DR. DOCTOR:
*echoes*
I'm sorry... I'm afraid-

The church bell rings again.

DR. DOCTOR:
*cont'd, echoes*
-just couldn't pull through. It...

He tears up.

DR. DOCTOR:
*cont'd, echoes*
It's rather unfortunate, but I'm afraid the damage done was just too much for modern medical science.

When the sounds of young children crying are heard, the doctor tries to smile comfortingly.

DR. DOCTOR:
*cont'd, echoes*
If it's any consolation, at least-

The church bell rings once again.

DR. DOCTOR:
*cont'd echoes*
-wasn't alive to bear the shame of shitting himself.

A close-up on the pavement reveals ebony children's snow boots hitting the dark asphalt in quick succession. Lightning flashes briefly, illuminating the blurred background for but a mere few moments, and is soon answered by rolling thunder.

STAN:
*voice over, echoes, crying*
Buh-but he was my fuh-fuh-friend!

In the town square, all of South Park showed up for this funeral. KYLE is standing at the podium, apparently giving a eulogy. The church bell sorrowfully rings again. ELTON JOHN is moved by what KYLE is soundlessly saying and wipes away his tears with a handkerchief.

STAN:
*voice over, echoes, sadly*
Dude... How are we gonna go on?

A bear's roar morphs into rumbling thunder. The running boy slips on a patch of ice and hits the ground as the church bell rings out again. Quick as greased lightning he's back on his feet and running; his labored breathing becoming more erratic and panicked.

STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY sadly pay their respects at a grave stone where a shiny stainless steel spatula rests. STAN, obviously not taking things well, abruptly turns and walks away.

STAN:
*echoes, crying*
I- I can't do this anymore.

KYLE:
*echoes*
Dude, where're you going?

He walks off after STAN.

KYLE:
*cont'd, echoes, off screen*
Dude!
*pauses*
Dude!

CARTMAN sighs heavily and looks to KENNY.

CARTMAN:
*echoes*
C'mon, Kinny. Let's go.

The scene fades to black.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd, echoes*
There's nothing more we can do here.

Snapping back to the forest, reveals the owner of the boots screaming in distress and/or frustration. The CAMERA pulls back, revealing STAN running like his life depended on it. With his hat having been lost at some point, his hair is free to soak in the rain water and mat to parts of his head. He sends water droplets flying in all directions when he fearfully looks over shoulder. The church bell rings again, almost as a final warning.

STAN:
*panicked*
This isn't happening!

He ducks under a low hanging branch in the path. When he rights himself he continues his breakneck speed.

STAN:
*cont'd, screaming*
This isn't happening!

The church bell rings ominously one final time as STAN attempts to pull his hair out while running.

STAN:
*cont'd, screaming*
THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!

STAN's scream reverberates and morphs-


FADE IN INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - STAN's ROOM - DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
-into the dull roar of rain as the CAMERA pans along the length of the bed. Although the room is dark, enough light filters in through the window to illuminate STAN's tearful face. Half of it is buried into his pillow as he soullessly watches rain pelt his window. His eyes are hollow, empty looking, and blood-shot.

CAPTION:
Several days earlier...

When a knock comes from the door STAN does not acknowledge; not even a rolling of his eyes, a flinch, or a change in his breathing patterns.

RANDY:
*off screen, timidly*
Stan?

STAN:
*hoarsely*
Go away...

Despite the order, the door opens enough for RANDY to poke his head into the room and give a sad and empty smile.

RANDY:
*timidly*
Hey, champ, someone's here to see you.

STAN:
*hoarsely*
Tell them to go away. I don't want to see anybody.

RANDY's smile turns to a frown before nodding and soundlessly closing the door. As STAN continues watching the rain pelt his window, tears collect in the corners of his eyes. In the living room, RANDY descends the stairs and meets a soaked KYLE at the bottom.

RANDY:
Sorry, Kyle. He's...not budging.

KYLE:
*nods*
It's okay. I'll come back later.

As KYLE makes to exit the house, he hesitates before turning back to the adult with a plastic smile.

KYLE:
Mr. Marsh? Could you at least tell him that his friends miss him?


CUT TO EXT. MAIN STREET - DUSK
As STAN slowly walks down the street, hands in his pockets, rain continues to fall as if Mother Nature was grieving alongside him. Most of the townspeople out and about coldly ignore him. He passes by BUTTERS and DOUGIE near the Post Office-

BUTTERS:
*cheerfully*
Wuh-well, hiya, Stan!

-and coldly ignores them in the process.

DOUGIE:
I wonder what's up his ass?

BUTTERS:
Suh-see, I'm not too sure, Dougie. Whuh-why, Stan was his ol' happy self last week, then suh-someone dies and now he's goin' all goth again. Makes me mad as heck, I tells ya.

Not too far away, STAN bumps into KYLE. Unlike his meeting with BUTTERS, he stops to speak with his friend.

KYLE:
*concerned*
Stan...

STAN:
*hoarse whisper*
Dude... He's gone...

KYLE soothingly pats STAN on the shoulder.

KYLE:
*softly*
I know, dude. I know...

STAN:
*hoarse whisper*
I- I feel like a part of me has guh-gone away to never return.

KYLE:
*softly*
I know, dude. It's hard, but...

The two friends stare at each other, one looking sad and the other on the verge of tears.

KYLE:
*softly*
Think of it like this: life is like the line graph we learned about last week. It has ups, downs, plateaus, a beginning, and an end. Some things we just have no control over; the death of someone we know, care about, or...ourselves even. How that affects our line of life, our life graph, whether it going downhill or straight ahead is entirely up to us.

Tears fall from STAN's eyes as he nods. He says nothing as he continues on his way, leaving KYLE watching him in concern.

KYLE:
*calling*
Dude! You okay?

STAN's only response is to walk completely off screen left.

KYLE:
*calling*
We're your friends, Stan! Talk to us for God's sake!

BUTTERS and DOUGIE, who had been watching the entire scene, come up beside KYLE.

BUTTERS:
*concerned*
Ih-is Stan gonna be okay, Kyle?

KYLE:
*sighs and slumps shoulders*
I don't know, Butters. I just wish he'd listen to me.

DOUGIE:
What makes you think your advice is sound?

KYLE:
I've been in his position before...
*pauses*
I think.

BUTTERS:
"You think?"

KYLE:
*frowns*
It's...a long story.

BUTTERS:
Oh, boy! I like stories!

KYLE:
*flatly*
-one I'm not willing to share.

BUTTERS:
*disappointed*
Aw, hamburgers...


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK CEMETERY
The rain may have stopped, but the cloudy skies still remain and threaten downpour at any moment. STAN sighs as he drags his feet along the cobblestone path. He passes by several stone markers, one interestingly without a name, and stops in front of one freshly dug. He is silent for several moments, with his hands in his pockets, until his face contorts from the sadness. The epitaph on the stone tablet reads "Jerome "Chef" McElroy – He's making buttered noodles and green bean casserole for the angels now." A stainless steel spatula rests against the stone.

STAN:
*sadly*
It's been a couple of days, but... It feels... It feels like it's been an eternity.

He stuffs his hands into his coat pockets.

STAN:
*sadly*
I wish...you'd come back, Chef.

CHEF:
*off screen*
Don't be sad, children.

STAN looks up in shock to find CHEF standing beside him.

STAN:
*shocked*
Shuh-Chef? What- How?

CHEF:
Don't worry, Stan. I'm here to make sure you're okay.

STAN:
*choking*
Buh-but I saw you...with my own eyes-

CHEF:
*laughs*
Don't cry, children! You said goodbye, right?

The boys and CHEF quickly cross the rickety rope bridge. Before CHEF can make it across, the bridge collapses. The panicked boys watch in horror as CHEF falls and is impaled on a-

STAN:
*yelling*
CHEF!

STAN:
*sadly*
No...

CHEF:
*frowns*
Aw, hell! I'm sorry, son.
*pauses*
Look... At the end of the day all that matters is that he's no longer suffering.

STAN:
*sadly*
I know, but...it...still hurts. I feel like...an empty shell.

CHEF:
Be strong, children! It's the only way you're going make it through this.

STAN slowly nods, yet continues hanging his head.

STAN:
*sadly*
Chef...? Can you sing me a song?

WENDY:
*off screen, surprised*
Stan? Are you okay?

STAN again nods as WENDY comes up beside him. She comfortingly puts an arm across his shoulder.

WENDY:
Can I ask you a question?

STAN nods and sniffles.

WENDY:
Who were you talking to?

STAN looks up and discovers that he and WENDY are alone.

STAN:
*confused*
Chef?

He notices WENDY's concerned expression.

STAN:
*panicked*
But- He was right here!

WENDY frowns as she nods and takes STAN by the hand to lead him away.

WENDY:
C'mon, Stan. Let's get you home.

STAN:
*panicked*
But Wendy-


CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM
CARTMAN and KYLE are on the couch with game controllers in their hands. KENNY watches the game from the floor. The two furiously mash buttons until a game over sound is heard, which prompts all thee to groan in frustration.

CARTMAN:
God dammit, Jew! Stop sucking dick!

KYLE:
I'm not sucking anything, asshole!

CARTMAN:
Really? Well-

He laughs derisively.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
-I think that the last ten online matches we've lost because of you say otherwise.

KYLE:
*pissed*
Oh, alright, fine! I can't concentrate because I'm pissed off!

CARTMAN:
*rolls eyes*
Oh, for god's sake!
*pissed*
When we play Generic Game Company Mascot Kart we check our fucking baggage at the fucking door!

KYLE:
*pissed*
So you mean to tell me that you're not concerned about Stan in the slightest?

CARTMAN opens his mouth to speak, but quickly shuts it.

CARTMAN:
No.

KYLE:
I saw him in town today.

CARTMAN:
Holy crap! That asshole actually left his house?

CARTMAN snorts.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
There's a shock.

KYLE:
*annoyed*
Yeah.

CARTMAN:
Well? Is he coming for some serious Generic Game Company Mascot Kart time or is he gonna be a fag about it?

KYLE:
*annoyed*
For Christ's sake! Show a little compassion for once in your life, asshole!

CARTMAN pinches the bridge of his nose as he sighs.

CARTMAN:
*firmly*
Kahl, Stan needs to pull his head outta his ass. Seriously, he's goin' around and actin' like he's the only god damn asshole sad about Chef dying.

CARTMAN shakes fist in anger.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
It pisses me the fuck off!

When KENNY nods in agreement, KYLE sighs in defeat and nods as well.

KYLE:
*frowns*
I hate to admit this, fat ass, but I actually agree with you.

CARTMAN excitedly puts a hand to his ear.

CARTMAN:
I'm sorry. What was that?

KYLE:
*flatly*
I said I agree with you.

CARTMAN:
*grins evilly*
I'm sorry. I still didn't catch that, Kahl.

KYLE:
*pissed*
You know damn well what I said.

CARTMAN:
Seriously, Kahl. I didn't hear you. One more time. Loudly if you could, please.

KYLE:
*shouting*
I said I fucking agree with you, fat ass!

CARTMAN laughs.

CARTMAN:
Actually, I heard you the first time. I just wanted to hear that sweet music to my ears again and again.

KYLE:
*flatly*
You are seriously screwed in the head.

KENNY:
[Is Stan coming by?]

KYLE:
I doubt it. I tried talking to him on the street. He completely ignored Butters and flogged me off when I tried talking him out of it.

CARTMAN:
*mutters*
Who doesn't want to ignore Butters?

KENNY:
[And you let him go by himself?]

KYLE:
What choice did I have? Honestly, guys, we can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped.

CARTMAN:
*nonchalantly*
Well, then maybe we should help him along in the other direction.

There is a stunned silence.

KYLE:
*slowly*
You mean...suicide?

CARTMAN:
Why the hell not? If he wants to act like a faggy goth kid we should help him get there.

KYLE punches CARTMAN, which causes the fat kid to reel back and wince in pain.

KYLE:
*pissed*
You're a fucking dick.

KYLE jumps off the couch, storms to the door, and slams it as he exits. CARTMAN gingerly rubs his arm where he was hit and, with welling tears in his eyes, looks to KENNY. The hooded boy sighs and shakes his head.

CARTMAN:
*sobbing*
He punched me! He punched meeeeee!
*screams*
MOOOOOOM!


CUT TO INT. MARSH RESIDENCE - STAN'S ROOM - NIGHT
STAN is lying on his bed in a fetal position; a look of absolute fright covers his face.

STAN:
*softly*
I saw Chef... Was it a ghost? Was it real?

He closes his eyes as tears collect in their corners.

STAN:
*softly*
I wish I could talk to Chef about this... I need a song to help me understand.


CUT TO INT. BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE - KYLE'S ROOM - NIGHT
KYLE and WENDY are sitting on the floor with piles of books surrounding them. He eventually sighs and closes his book loudly enough to startle her.

WENDY:
*concerned*
You okay?

KYLE:
Yeah, I'm just... I'm just having a hard time concentrating.

WENDY:
Why?

KYLE:
We've been looking for answers for, like, three months now. If there was any lit-chure anywhere on what we've been experiencing in our dreams we would have found it by now.

WENDY:
It is a bit frustrating. The only rev-el-lant thing I've found is on past lives, but we can't have past lives if we're remembering the future.

KYLE:
Well, it's possible if time flowed in an endless loop. I think...

KYLE slumps forward and stares at the floor between his legs.

KYLE:
I'm sorry, Wendy. I can't think straight with this crap with Stan going around my head.

WENDY's lips conform to a tight straight line as she closes her book and sets it aside.

WENDY:
Take off your coat.

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
What?

WENDY:
Just do it.

As he does as requested, she scoots herself around on the floor until she's sitting behind him. She grips his shoulders and begins massaging them.

WENDY:
Good lord, Kyle! You're tense!

KYLE:
Wendy? What are you doing?

WENDY abruptly stops what she had been doing and recoils back.

WENDY:
*stammers*
I, um, I'm sorry! I...thought it would help?

KYLE:
I didn't say "stop". I was just curious.

WENDY:
Oh. Okay!

She resumes her task as KYLE closes his eyes and leans back.

WENDY:
It's a massage. I had a dream about it.

KYLE:
A dream?

WENDY:
Yeah. We were in here...as adults. You were upset about something and I started doing this.

She leans in close to his ear with a sly smile.

WENDY:
*whispers*
You were no longer upset afterwards.

KYLE:
*nods*
I can see why. Where'd you learn how to do this?

WENDY:
*pauses, whispers*
My dream.

KYLE:
Well, where'd future/dream you learn this?

WENDY:
Um... I'm not sure, actually.

KYLE:
Huh.

WENDY:
Huh.

There is a moment of silence.

WENDY:
So...you want to talk about it?

KYLE:
About who taught the older you about massages?

WENDY:
No. What's bothering you, artard.

KYLE stews for moment before sighing.

KYLE:
Between what we've got going on with our memories and dreams, Stan acting like a drama queen, and fat ass...
*pauses*
...being fat ass I'm ready to pull my hair out.

WENDY:
I wouldn't hate on Stan, Kyle. I honestly think there is something wrong with him.

KYLE:
What makes you say that?

WENDY:
*uncertainly*
He was acting strangely at the graveyard.

KYLE raises an eyebrow, pulls away from WENDY's hands, and turns to regard her.

KYLE:
What were you doing there?

WENDY:
Well, I didn't want the poor soul with the unmarked grave to be lonely!

KYLE:
*nods*
Okay... So how was he-

Suddenly KYLE bolts into a standing position and startles WENDY in the process.

KYLE:
I've got it!

WENDY:
What?

KYLE:
What if...we're stuck a time loop and are reliving our lives over and over again with some memory of the previous loop?

WENDY:
That makes no sense.

KYLE:
Sure it does! Star Trek: The Next Generation did it! Episode five eighteen; "Cause and Effect".

WENDY:
Good for them. Can you explain your theory?

KYLE:
Okay, so we live our lives as normal for awhile, time loops back from a certain point in the future to a certain point in the past, and we do it all over again! But because we remember various things from the previous loop every next loop turns out slightly different!

WENDY:
Okay. Let's say that's what it is. Why?

KYLE:
*pauses*
I...don't know.

WENDY:
Huh. Intriguing.


CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - MORNING
KYLE and WENDY approach CARTMAN and KENNY, both of whom are waiting for the bus.

KYLE:
Hey, guys.

KENNY waves in response while CARTMAN frowns with a grunt and folds his arms across his chest.

CARTMAN:
Jew.
*to WENDY*
Don't you have your own bus stop, hippie?

WENDY:
Seems kind of pointless to go all the way back home to catch the bus when I spent the night here, fat ass.

CARTMAN:
Get yer bitch under control, Jew.

WENDY:
Hey!

CARTMAN:
This be man country.

KYLE:
*sighs*
Get over yourself, jiggle master. Where's Stan?

KENNY shrugs.

CARTMAN:
*frowns*
Haven't seen him. Maybe he's off cutting himself somewhere.

KYLE opens his mouth to make a retort, but stops short when STAN shuffles up to the group like a mindless zombie. He takes a moment to smile weakly at the group before returning to staring at the ground in sadness. Before anything else can be said or done the bus arrives. KYLE again opens his mouth to speak, sighs and shakes his head instead, and then boards the vehicle.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC LIBRARY - MORNING
MR. GARRISON is addressing his class inside the foyer.

MR. GARRISON:
Okay, class! So here we are at the library. Now, I'm sure you retards have been here enough times to know what goes on here.

CLYDE raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON:
Put your hand down, Clyde! I'm not answering any more of your retard questions.

Disappointed, CLYDE lowers his hand.

MR. GARRISON:
Right, so I want each of you to go off and do research on the history report I gave you.

CLYDE raises his hand again.

MR. GARRISON:
*sighs and rolls eyes*
For those of you stupid enough to forget, I want to know how Abraham Lincoln's involvement with a secret order of vampire hunters turned the tide of the Civil War with emphasis on how things could have turned out different if the vampire slavers in the deep south had managed to turn him after he took the Oval Office.

CLYDE goes to lower his hand, but promptly raises it to its full height.

MR. GARRISON:
Civil War era vampires didn't sparkle in the sun nor were they pansy ass fags who fought over some bimbo who runs like a drunken whore! For God's sake! You asked me that yesterday, noodle noggin!

CLYDE:
*lowers his hand*
Oh...

MR. GARRISON gestures to the door behind him.

MR. GARRISON:
Well, get to it, monkeys!


CUT TO INT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC LIBRARY
Some time later, STAN is forlornly sitting alone at a table. The open book in front of him is barely captivating his interest. He looks up briefly and visually observes his classmates. KYLE and WENDY are pouring over a massive pile of books. CARTMAN and KENNY are also working as a team, although it is quite obvious that KENNY is doing a majority of the work. MR. GARRISON is at the front of the large room attempting and failing to pickup the male librarian behind the counter.

MR. GARRISON:
*faintly*
So... You like kids? All these little brats are mine.

STAN sighs and buries his head in his arms.

MR. GARRISON:
*faintly*
Oh, the silent type, are we? That so turns me on.

STAN suddenly sits up in surprise when he hears-

CHEF:
*off screen*
Hello there, children!

He looks around and finds CHEF standing on the opposite corner of the large square clearing of the room.

MR. GARRISON:
*faintly, slyly*
So, what'd'ya say we go into that office over there and...have a peek at the glistening rock hard athlete in my Sports Illustrated?

Jumping to his feet, STAN rushes over to where CHEF had been seen. On arrival he finds no one.

STAN:
*hushed*
Chef?

CHEF:
*off screen*
Over here, children!

STAN peeks around the wall of books to find CHEF standing near a dark corridor of books. After arriving, it almost seems as if the darkness is suffocating the light out of existence.

STAN:
*hushed*
Chef!

CHEF:
How's my little cracker today?

STAN:
*hushed*
Where were you? I- I've been wanting to talk to you! I think I'm going crazy...

CHEF:
Well, you are going crazy, Stan. Chef's dead.

STAN:
*shocked*
What?!
*hushed*
Wha- What do you mean? Why are you talking about you like you're not you?

CHEF:
*sadly*
You need to stop fighting reality, children. Keep it up and it'll bite you on the ass.

STAN:
*hushed*
But I-

CHEF:
Fudge it, boy! I'm not Chef! I'm a figment of your imagination! I'm the rational part of your mind trying to break through to the fudged up part! ...or some kinda hoobajoob like that.

CHEF suddenly disappears leaving STAN to hang his head in sadness.

CHEF:
*off screen*
If you keep goin' this way, children, it'll lead you to ruin and heartache. You'll always have your memories of Chef, Stan, but for your sake and his just fudge it all and let it go.

STAN sighs with a hitch and slowly sinks to the floor as tears well in his eyes.

STAN:
*tearfully*
I want to, but- But it's just so hard...

A few tables away, BUTTERS sees STAN break down. He gets up out of his chair, slowly closes the distance, and gives the crying boy a hug.

BUTTERS:
Whuh-why, I know you're grieving, Stan, buh-but- Shucks! -you hafta remember the good stuff in life. Y'know?

STAN wipes a few stray tears from his eyes and nods.

STAN:
*hoarsely*
I know, Butters. I- I guess I just told myself that.

BUTTERS:
*frowns*
Whuh-well, just don't let Eric see you tellin' yerself off! 'Kuh-cause I'd be awfully sore to see you get puh-picked on for talkin' to yourself! He's a no-good something something!

STAN:
*flatly*
Yeah. I know what he's like, Butters.

BUTTERS:
Oh, yeah. I forget that sometimes.

STAN:
Look. I appreciate the concern, dude, but-

He points down the dark corridor of books.

STAN:
*cont'd*
-I need to find another book for my report.

BUTTERS:
*raises an eyebrow*
In the occult section?

STAN:
That's what vampires are, right?

BUTTERS:
Oh, whuh-well, I didn't think of that.

When STAN attempts to walk away, BUTTERS follows.

STAN:
Butters, what the hell are you doing?

BUTTERS:
Whuh-well, you're my friend, Stan, and, buh-by golly, I'm gonna make sure you're okay!

STAN:
*flatly*
I'm fine now, Butters.

BUTTERS:
Nuh-no. I'm kuh-keepin' my eye on you.

STAN:
*sighs*
Fine, but do it from the table. I need some time on my own.

BUTTERS:
Oh-okay! Don't worry, Stan! I'll be watching so if you fuh-feel sad I'll be there to cheer you up!

STAN:
*frowns*
Great.

When BUTTERS runs off, STAN slumps his shoulders and bangs his head on a shelf in the nearby bookcase. After a very quick moment, a yellow and black book from higher up falls right on STAN's head, knocking him to the floor with a cry of surprise and alarm. He picks himself up with a curse and looks at the offending book.

STAN:
*mutters*
"The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies"...?

He looks at the book confused for a moment before looking around at his surroundings.

STAN:
*low*
Whoa, dude. Déjà vu...


CUT TO EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
The four boys plus WENDY exit the bus and make their way down the street. STAN hangs back a ways from the group. Among the books in his arm is the one that fell on him in the library. He pats the book as he walks along. CHEF appears beside him with a concerned look on his face.

CHEF:
Boy, I thought I told you to let it go.

STAN:
*low*
I have to do this.

CHEF:
Don't do something stupid, Stan. You may end up regretting it.

STAN:
*low*
At this point, I regret nothing.

CARTMAN:
*off screen*
I told you he was goin' crazy.

STAN stops dead in his tracks and looks up with a deer in the headlights look. The other four kids are staring at him in either concern or amusement, depending on who you look at. CHEF, on the other hand, is nowhere to be found.

STAN:
*puzzled*
What?

There is an awkward silence as the four look to each other.

KYLE:
Well, I guess I'll be the one to ask it.

CARTMAN:
*relieved*
Thank Christ.

STAN:
*slowly*
Ask what...?

KYLE:
Dude, we're your friends, right?

STAN:
*slowly*
Yeah...

KYLE:
And if we were concerned for your well being...

STAN:
*flatly*
I'm fine.

KYLE:
Really?

WENDY:
Kyle...

KYLE:
Because you talking to thin air is telling a different story.

STAN:
*flatly*
I wasn't talking to thin air. I was just-
*pauses*
-thinking out loud.

KYLE:
Well, maybe instead of thinking you can, you know, talk to us? I mean, Jesus Christ, Stan, it's been nearly a week. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

As STAN glares angrily at the group his eyes turn slightly red.

KYLE:
*cont'd*
Chef wouldn't want this.

STAN:
*pissed*
Fuck you, Kyle. This isn't about want Chef wants. This is about what-
*demonically*
-I want.

The group seems slightly taken aback by this statement.

STAN:
*cont'd, pissed*
If you pulled your god damn head out of your self-righteous ass, you'd freaking see that.

KYLE:
*shocked*
What did you say?

STAN:
*pissed*
I'm out.

STAN walks off.

STAN:
*off screen, pissed*
See ya later.

There is a stunned silence.

CARTMAN:
*awed*
That was awesome.

WENDY:
What the hell just happened?

CARTMAN:
*awed*
Jew got burned that's what happened.

KYLE:
Wendy, I think you were right. There's something seriously wrong with Stan.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
As the full moon shines brightly in the eastern sky, rain threatens from the opposite side. Fog chokes the land and seems to glow silver from within. Despite the oppressive atmosphere, STAN makes his way through the stone slab dotted landscape. He stops at his destination and pulls out his book.

STAN:
*hushed*
Right. Let's do this.

He opens the book and begins reading.

STAN:
*reading*
"Thank you for purchasing 'The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies'. Please note that failure to follow our exact instructions will result in either nothing happening or annihilation of your entire town by zombies."
*shocked*
Jesus tap dancing Christ!
*determined*
I can't pussy out now!

He flips through the pages.

STAN:
*hushed*
Where is it?
*muttering*
Toads? No. Old eighties sitcom? No.
*pauses*
Milli Vanilli?
*disgusted*
No way, dude!
*confused*
Penile resurrection?
*excited*
Here it is!
*reading*
"Stand before the grave of the one you wish to see again. Hold one hand above your head, close this book loudly, and proclaim aloud 'Spirits from above! Allow me to see the one beneath the stone!'"

He smirks directly into the CAMERA.

STAN:
*cont'd*
Huh. That sounds almost TOO easy.

He takes a deep breath before raising his free hand above his head and loudly closing the book with his other.

STAN:
*shouts*
Spirits from above! Allow me to see the one beneath the stone!

He holds his pose for a moment before blinking and returning his arm to his side. He looks around before angrily tossing the book away.

STAN:
*pissed*
God dammit! I should've realized it was too good to be true.

STAN'S VOICE:
*off screen*
Actually, dude, it helps if you make sure you're at the right grave.

In a moment of panic, STAN looks down at the gravestone to discover that there is neither epitaph nor silver spatula. The scene cuts to a close up of half of STAN's fear filled face. Behind him, a dirty and rotting version of himself finishes pulling himself out of the ground. He wipes dirt off his jacket.

STAN'S VOICE (DEAD STAN):
Jesus Christ!

STAN turns around to regard this other him.

STAN:
*stammers*
Who-

DEAD STAN:
*grins psychotically*
Hello me! Meet the real me and my misfit's way of life!

STAN:
*confused*
What?

DEAD STAN:
*sighs*
Really, dude? You don't recognize yourself when you see you?

STAN:
But that's-

DEAD STAN:
*smirks*
-impossible, right? Oh, no. This is very real, dude.

STAN:
I- I don't understand.

DEAD STAN:
You don't need to. I've waited awhile for something like this to happen. Being a wandering spirit pisses me off and I can't get my body back until someone living wills it to "life".

STAN takes a step back.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
Also, I'm kinda hungry.

STAN:
Very funny, Kyle. You can stop it now.

DEAD STAN:
*raises an eyebrow*
Totally not Kyle, dude. Like you, I'm Stan Marsh.

STAN:
*falters*
Kuh-c'mon, Kenny. Joke's over.

DEAD STAN:
Heh. Unlike you, I'm the real Stan Marsh. You...

He raises a rotting arm to point at STAN. As he does, a few earthworms fall from his glove and coat.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
You're the impostor, kid.

STAN:
*meekly*
Butters?

DEAD STAN:
*pinches the bridge of his nose*
Jesus Christ. Will you knock it the fuck off? I'll explain this to you nice and easy, kid. Stan Marsh is supposed to be dead because Cartman's a fucking asshole. For some fucked up reason, I couldn't move on. I pleaded with some jackass god of trench coats to help me and his answer was to screw up turning back time.
*sarcastically*
That's how "you" came about.

STAN watches as an earthworm wriggles free from a hole in the other kid's leg and falls to the ground. He looks up at the other's face.

STAN:
*frightened*
But that's-

DEAD STAN:
-impossible?

He laughs.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
Again, very real, kid.
*sternly*
You see, even gods can screw up at times. Remember that movie "Muholland Drive"?

STAN nods.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
There was one mistake. Unfortunately, I get to be another...in a long line of mistakes.

He scoffs.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
I'm still here and so is my grave.
*irked*
And because you exist and snubbed your nose at Wendy, I can't rest!

STAN:
*confused*
Wendy?

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
She's my girl! Not Kyle's!

STAN:
But she-

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
And him! I can't believe he'd go behind my back like that!

STAN:
But he-

DEAD STAN raises a hand to silence STAN.

DEAD STAN:
However, you did free me from my personal hell. Even if I did have to push you a bit.

DEAD STAN laughs.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
I put the book in your hands. I possessed you to get you here. Thanks, dude.

STAN:
*slowly*
Uh, you're welcome?

DEAD STAN:
There is one thing though.

He laughs again.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
It's the funniest thing. You see, there can be only one Stan Marsh.
*shouts*
Guys!

Several more ZOMBIE STANS pull themselves from the ground completely surrounding the living STAN and the original zombie. STAN takes in his surroundings with bewilderment.

STAN:
*shocked*
Dude, this is pretty fuh-
*suspiciously*
Whoa, whoa. Hold on. If there can only be one me why are there, like, fifty?

The DEAD STAN pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs in frustration.

DEAD STAN:
*flatly*
This is your fate. Each one of us represents the number of times that you refused to accept reality.
*pissed*
Look, kid. I've repeated this scene probably a hundred times now. Just make it easy and don't fight me. Just admit it and-

He gestures to the other STANS.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
-you'll avoid this fate.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
Admit it.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
Admit it.

ZOMBIE GROUP:
Admit it...

There is a silence for moment.

STAN:
I'm confused. What am I admitting?

DEAD STAN:
*mutters*
Oh, for fuck's sake!
*pissed*
Admit that you took my life away from me. Admit that you fucked up my second chance with my girlfriend! Admit that you took away my rights into Heaven!

STAN:
I didn't do anything!

DEAD STAN:
*psychotic, demonically*
Yes, you did, butt-pirate! And I'm taking those things back!

STAN screams out in fear and shoves his way through the horde of ZOMBIE STANS as he makes his way to the front gate.

DEAD STAN:
*sighs*
God dammit. I got away again! Whatever. I know where I live.
*pissed*
Alright! Tonight zombies walk the earth! Make this a land of the dead!

When all of the zombies moan, groan, or screech in agreement, a large dark shadow appears next to DEAD STAN.

DEAD STAN:
*smirks*
Hey, Chef!

ZOMBIE CHEF:
*distorted*
Hello there, chillllldren...

DEAD STAN:
What's for lunch today, Chef?

ZOMBIE CHEF:
Sal'sbury chilllldren...

DEAD STAN:
Kick ass.

As the ZOMBIE STANS raise the dead in the graveyard-

DEAD STAN:
What a horrible night for a curse!

-the DEAD STAN laughs maniacally. The scene then cuts to black.


FADE IN EXT. A LONG AND WINDING WOODED ROAD - NIGHT
Rain falls quietly among the snow covered conifer trees as a slight breeze causes the branches of said trees to sway back and forth in a dance unheard to human ears. A church bell echoes forlornly in the distance. STAN suddenly races past, screaming at the top of his lungs, complete with a Doppler effect.

STAN:
*screaming*
This isn't happening!


CUT TO EXT. PHIL COLLIN'S HILL - NIGHT
DEAD STAN appears at the top of Phil Collins Hill and stares at the town below with a wicked grin. His army composed of various deceased townspeople and multiple other STANS come up behind him. He holds out an arm to prevent the more eager ones from running ahead. The pose is held for a moment until ZOMBIE CHEF appears. Lightning flashes, blinding the CAMERA. When it refocuses, the entire group is gone.


CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE
KYLE, WENDY, and KENNY are on the floor and huddled over a map of the town. CARTMAN, bored out of his mind, lounges lazily on his couch with a juice box in hand as Terrance and Phillip fart on the television.

KYLE:
Right. So we'll each take an area of the town and look for Stan.

KENNY:
[Didn't his parents go to the police?]

WENDY:
*sighs*
Officer Barbrady couldn't find his ass even if it was handed to him.

KYLE:
Either way, he hasn't been missing for long. He's bound to be in one of these areas.

LIANE CARTMAN pokes her head through the doorway from the kitchen.

LIANE:
Does anyone need anything?

WENDY:
Well, actually-

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
No, ma. We're all good.

LIANE:
Alrighty! If you need mommy, pookie, she'll be in the kitchen making dinner. Okay?

CARTMAN:
*hopeful*
Chunky chocolate chicken potpie?

LIANE:
Sure thing, hun!

She disappears back into the kitchen.

CARTMAN:
Sweet.

WENDY:
*irked*
You know, I am pretty thirsty.

CARTMAN:
Not my problem.

WENDY:
You could share some juice boxes...

CARTMAN:
Nah uh.

WENDY:
*irked*
Just one juice box, Cartman.

CARTMAN:
Get yer own god damn juice box, hippie! I worked hard and slaved myself to the bone to get what I have and I'll be damned if I give handouts to jobless welfare leeches!

KYLE:
Dude, you're nine. You don't have a job.

CARTMAN:
Do too!

KYLE:
Yeah? What?

CARTMAN:
*pauses*
I keep hippies from my juice boxes.

WENDY:
That's not a job!

CARTMAN:
It is if you're me. Now get out of my house, hippie!

KYLE:
*rolls eyes*
Fine. Whatever. We're going to look for Stan anyway. You coming?

CARTMAN:
*snorts*
Puh. Yeah. Right. In case you haven't noticed, Kahl, it's raining outside.

CARTMAN sips some juice through the straw, drawing out the motions as if to make WENDY jealous. It does, which results in her giving him a glare.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Screw that. Some fucked up tree-hugger is not worth getting wet.

KYLE:
Cartman-

The door suddenly bursts open, scaring all present. STAN rushes through the doorway and slams it shut behind him. He leans against said door as he tiredly attempts to catch his breath.

STAN:
*pants*
Guys...

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
Stan?

STAN:
*pants*
I...think I...fucked up...

WENDY:
...How?

STAN:
*pants*
Anyone...know...how to...

CARTMAN:
Get to the point, asshole!

STAN:
*winded*
I'm getting there, butt-pirate!

He takes a deep breath.

STAN:
*cont'd*
Anyone know how to get rid of zombies?

CARTMAN:
What? Like Rob Zombie fans? They're just as bad as freaking hippies.

STAN:
No-

WENDY:
Smart phone addicts?

STAN:
No-

KENNY:
[Apple users?]

STAN:
*annoyed*
God dammit! No, the flesh eating kind!

KYLE:
*flatly*
What.

KENNY pulls his hood tighter.

KENNY:
*fearfully*
[Zombies?!]

KYLE plants his face into his palm.

KYLE:
*annoyed*
Let me guess; you have something to do with this.

STAN grins rather timidly.

STAN:
*timidly*
Maybe... I, uh, found a book in the library today and-

WENDY:
Would this book happen to be "The Black Art of Resurrection For Dummies"?

STAN:
Yeah. How did you know?

WENDY:
Figured. I bought it a few years ago from Amazon when I was really depressed and lonely and wanting to apol-

KYLE:
*low*
Uh, Wendy, ixnay on-ay uh-thay yuture-fay.

WENDY:
What?

KYLE:
Ixnay on-ay uh-thay yuture-fay.

WENDY:
I still don't get it.

KYLE:
*flatly*
Nevermind.

CARTMAN:
You hippies really need to stop smokin'. Seriously.

CARTMAN hops down from the couch and walks towards the kitchen.

CARTMAN:
Black arts? Zombies? Pig Latin?

He laughs.

CARTMAN:
*cont'd*
Puh. Whatever.

KYLE:
*matter-of-factly*
You know we've fought zombies before, right?

CARTMAN:
Kahl, that was pink-

He stops at the doorway. The juice box drops to the floor, forgotten.

STAN:
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:
*slowly*
I'm- I'm not sure...

KYLE:
Why?

CARTMAN:
*slowly*
Um, I'm not quite familiar with what I'm seeing.


CUT TO INT. CARTMAN RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
The window above the sink is wide open allowing a wet breeze into the house. Animal-like eating overpowers any noise coming from the other room. A whole raw chicken sits abandoned by a bottle of chocolate sauce and an exploded bag of flour. The white dust covers everything, including LIANE, the large puddle of blood on the floor surrounding her head, and the ZOMBIE STAN ripping the flesh from her neck with his teeth.

KYLE:
*off screen, hushed*
Jesus Christ!

The five kids are standing in the doorway with absolute shock painted on their faces.

CARTMAN:
*shocked*
I-

WENDY makes a scared little noise and attempts to hide behind KYLE. The ZOMBIE STAN rips more flesh from LIANE's neck and whips his head back and forth like a dog, sending blood and gore everywhere.

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
Stan?

STAN:
*hushed*
Yeah?

CARTMAN:
*hushed*
Can you tell me why that zombie that looks like you is eating my mom?

STAN:
*hushed*
Um...
*pauses*
Because he's hungry?

CARTMAN is not impressed.

KENNY:
*hushed*
[Let's just back away, nice and quiet.]

As they all back away, KENNY pulls the stunned CARTMAN with him.

KYLE:
*hushed*
God dammit, Stan! What the hell were you hoping to accomplish by raising the dead?!

STAN:
*meekly*
I- I just wanted Chef to sing a song to help me understand...

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit, asshole! Stop bein' a god damn pansy and just accept that Chef's fucking dead! For fuck's sake! Because you're a god damn retard, some dead asshole's eating my mom!

STAN:
Cartman, I'm-

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Who the fuck is gonna make my chocolate chicken pot pie now?!

They all turn to look when a cough is heard. The ZOMBIE STAN grins a bloody meaty grin.

ZOMBIE STAN:
*guttural*
Ahhhdmmmihhhht ihhht...

The kids all scream and run in the opposite direction. Outside the front door, they skid to a halt when the path is blocked by the DEAD STAN and several zombified townspeople.

DEAD STAN:
Hey, guys! Long time no see!

He bares his bloodied teeth in a psychotic grin.

STAN:
*pissed*
Aw, not this kid again!

KYLE:
This one talks?

DEAD STAN:
*sighs*
I'm not going through the history lesson again. Will somebody, please, eat these assholes?

ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY appears among the horde.

ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY:
*guttural*
Mmmkay...

DEAD STAN:
Especially that asshole Kyle.

KYLE:
*pissed*
Dude! What the fuck did I do?!

CARTMAN laughs.

DEAD STAN:
Leave fat ass though.

CARTMAN:
What?!

DEAD STAN:
*grins*
He's mine.

When the kids find themselves surrounded-

STAN:
Every man for himself!

WENDY:
Seconded!

-STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY make a break for it leaving CARTMAN to fend for himself.

CARTMAN:
*panicked*
Ay! You sonsa bitches! Don't leave me!

KYLE:
*off screen, faintly*
Sorry, Cartman!

The DEAD STAN blinks in confusion as CARTMAN squeals like a piggy in fear and frustration.

DEAD STAN:
Well, this is new. In every single loop I always sacrificed myself to save everyone. What changed?

A different ZOMBIE STAN shrugs his shoulders.

DEAD STAN:
*sighs*
Whatever. I'm gonna enjoy-

He blinks in confusion when he notices-

DEAD STAN:
Cartman?

-CARTMAN is panting heavily as he runs away.

CARTMAN:
Screw you, hippie!

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
God dammit!

The zombie horde just stares blankly at the DEAD STAN.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Don't just stare at me, artards! Go kick his ass!

The zombies moan in response. Down the street, CARTMAN runs as fast as his fat little body can carry him.

CARTMAN:
*panting, pissed*
God dammit! I should be havin' chunky chocolate chicken pot pie right now!

He comes to a stop when his mother blocks his path. Her head leans completely to one side due to the injuries she sustained. A sardonic grin is spread across her pale lesion covered face.

CARTMAN:
*shocked*
Mom?!

ZOMBIE LIANE:
*distorted*
Pookie like tasty num-nums?

CARTMAN:
*shocked*
No... You can't be a zombie!

ZOMBIE LIANE lurches forward, falls to her knees, and envelops her son in a hug.

CARTMAN:
*crying*
You can't!

ZOMBIE LIANE:
*distorted*
Tasty hun...

CARTMAN's expression suddenly changes to one of betrayal. He unfreezes with a gasp and a kick to the stomach just in time to escape, leaving ZOMBIE LIANE lying on the ground and holding his yellow and sky-blue stocking cap, her mouth wide open mid-bite.

CARTMAN:
*faintly*
Suck mah balls, you undead bitch!


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISTRICT - NIGHT
STAN, KYLE, KENNY, and WENDY run panicked down the street. Lightning flashes, illuminating the various zombie townspeople attempting to make their way to the fleeing children. Thunder rolls overhead. WENDY periodically makes scared whimpering noises.

KYLE:
What're we gonna do now?!

KENNY:
[We need weapons!]

STAN:
Kenny's right! We need weapons!

A zombie falls from the roof of the Post Office and splatters in front of them. All four kids scream in surprise then groan in disgust as they become covered in gore.

WENDY:
Eww! Fucking gross, dude!

A distorted groan and shambling footsteps behind them force them running again.

KYLE:
If anybody has any ideas, now would be the time to discuss it!

STAN:
Uncle Jimbo's gun shop! Let's go there!

KENNY:
[What about Cartman?]

WENDY:
Fuck Cartman! It's his fault we're in this mess to begin with!

STAN raises an eyebrow at this suggestion.

KYLE:
Wendy-

WENDY:
Fuck it, Kyle! I'm getting tired of trying to hide the past!

KYLE:
Future!

WENDY:
Whatever!

STAN:
But I brought the zombies to life! Not Cartman!

WENDY:
You didn't help the situation either, Stan!

KYLE:
We'll just have to assume that he'll find us if he's still alive!

KYLE screams as they all come to a halt once more and points fearfully at what is casting the black shadow over them. KENNY, in fear, pulls the strings of his hood tight.

STAN:
*frightened*
Shuh-Chef?

ZOMBIE CHEF grins hungrily and brandishes his stainless steel spatula.

ZOMBIE CHEF:
*guttural*
Lunnnch todayyy... Sal'sburrry chillldrrren...

STAN:
*panicked*
Chef! It's Stan!

WENDY and KENNY, with cries, take off in the opposite direction as KYLE attempts to drag STAN with.

KYLE:
He's a mindless zombie, dude! Let it go!

STAN:
*panicked*
No! Chef! CHEF!

Elsewhere on Main Street, CARTMAN runs for his life as the DEAD STAN and a few of his STAN LACKEYS give chase. CARTMAN quickly bolts into an alley. By the time the STANS stop at the entrance, the fat kid is gone. All that is in this dead end alley are several trash cans, a dumpster, and a medical waste bin.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Where is he?

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
*shrugs*
He's not here, dude.

DEAD STAN:
Oh, he's here. Where can he be hiding?

DEAD STAN points to one of the other STANS.

DEAD STAN:
You. Check that dumpster.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
No way, dude!

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Do it before I kick your balls in, kid.

ZOMBIE STAN#2 leaps up and hangs on the edge of said dumpster for a moment. He drops back down to the ground with a disgusted look and waves a hand in front of his face.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
Jesus Christ, dude! That smell's pretty fucked up right here!

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Find him, assholes! I want that fat bastard dead!

The ZOMBIE STANs kick at the garbage cans and check the medical waste bin.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
*shrugs*
I told you. He's not here, dude.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
God dammit! You guys, spread out and keep searching. If you don't find his lard filled ass in fifteen minutes then meet the rest of us at the ron-day-voo.

After DEAD STAN walks away in a huff with his entourage, the two remaining ZOMBIE STANS sigh and walk off in the opposite direction.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
That kid's a dick.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
I know, dude, but he's the original. We wouldn't exist if not for him.

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
I know, but I still think he's a dick.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
Yeah...

Once the two STANS are out of earshot, CARTMAN pops up out the medical waste bin. He removes a dead fetus from his shoulder and brushes away some needles poking out from various parts of his visible body. He sighs and falls out of the bin.

CARTMAN:
Shit... Thank Christ Stan's a freakin' retard.

He sidles up to the entrance of the alley, looks around quickly, and bolts off.


CUT TO EXT. JIMBO'S GUNS - NIGHT
During the establishing shot, STAN frantically pounds on the door.

STAN:
*shouting*
Uncle Jimbo! Uncle Jimbo!

KYLE:
*panicked*
Maybe he's not here!

The door suddenly opens, revealing CLYDE not Jimbo.

STAN:
*confused*
Clyde?

CLYDE:
Hurry up and get in here!


CUT TO INT. JIMBO'S GUNS
Inside, various kids seem to have had the same idea as STAN and nearly all of them are armed with firepower. TWEEK huddles in a corner while clutching a lead pipe to his chest.

TWEEK:
*mutters*
Oh, Jesus! They're gonna get me!

BUTTERS and DOUGIE can be found in another corner, while BEBE, RED, and LOLA are nearby regarding a map of the town. LOLA turns to STAN and gives him a bright smile. STAN turns red and quickly turns away. BEBE notices the newcomers and narrows her eyes at WENDY.

BEBE:
Wendy...

WENDY:
Bebe...

BEBE:
I'm...glad you're not dead.

WENDY:
*smiles sadly*
I'm glad you're here too.

STAN:
What happened?

CLYDE:
*sadly*
Craig was one of the first...to turn...I think.

KYLE:
*downcast*
Dude...

CLYDE:
I met Tweek and Butters near the Post Office.

TWEEK:
*muttering*
Argh! They- They got Token!

He grabs hair as he spasms.

TWEEK:
*cont'd*
Oh, god! I'm next! I'm next! Gaaaah!

CLYDE:
Everyone else just sorta showed up.

KENNY and WENDY share a look which prompts her to shrug.

CLYDE:
*suspiciously*
Although, it's weird that the zombie that attacked Craig looked and sounded a lot like you, Stan.

STAN:
Uh, yeah. I've seen him.

CLYDE:
Who was he?

STAN:
*sighs*
He's me, but not me.

BUTTERS:
Whuh-why, that doesn't make any sense at all! No sir!

STAN:
I don't get it myself, but I have no doubt that it's me...some how.

STAN regards WENDY from the corner of his eye.

STAN:
Although, I have a feeling that Wendy and Kyle may know something.

The two look shocked before WENDY grins sheepishly.

KYLE:
Nuh-no we don't!

WENDY:
There's no point in hiding it any more, Kyle. We may as well tell them what we know.

KYLE:
Fine, but only if we gear up while we're talking and someone follows up with a single question that summarizes our conversation.

There is a short series of clips of the kids equipping themselves with weapons. STAN brandishes a double-barrel shot gun. KYLE and WENDY each swing a sword about. KENNY finds a chainsaw. After the clip show, all the kids have returned to their original positions.

STAN:
So, you mean to tell us that in an alternate timeline Cartman killed me, you guys killed him ten years in the future, you then woke up in the present remembering parts of this alternate future, somehow prevented Cartman from killing me, and I somehow raised that zombie me that died in the alternate timeline from the dead?

WENDY nods.

KYLE:
Something like that.

STAN:
*sarcastically*
Yeah. That makes a whole lot of sense.

KENNY:
[The truth usually doesn't.]

KYLE:
Why didn't you tell us that you remembered, too, Kenny?

KENNY shrugs.

WENDY:
What now?

The kids all look to each other for an answer, yet no one seems to have one, so everyone turns back to STAN.

STAN:
Why's everyone looking at me?

CLYDE:
You got us into this mess. You can get us out.

BUTTERS:
Sih-seems fair to me.

STAN:
God dammit.

They all jump when a frantic pounding comes from the door. WENDY audibly gasps.

TWEEK:
*hushed*
Oh, god! What if- What if it's a zombie coming to kill us and steal our underpants?!

CARTMAN:
*off screen*
God dammit, Jimbo! Open this god damn door!

KYLE:
*shocked*
Holy shit!

STAN:
*shocked*
Cartman?!

When CLYDE opens the door, CARTMAN rushes in, slams the door behind him, and leans against it to catch his breath. His condition has worsened since last seen; his clothing is torn in several places, the gloves on his hands are mere shreds and reveal the bleeding knuckles underneath. Blood letting cuts litter his face.

CARTMAN:
*panting*
Jesus H. Christ!

WENDY:
Where the hell did you come from?!

CARTMAN:
*panting*
You guys... Remember how we used to make fun of Ms. Choksondik before she died? I just saw her...and she's really pissed off.

As if on cue, a MS. CHOKSONDIK like screech fills the air which causes several kids to cover their ears in pain. Several other zombie screeches and moans soon follow.

CLYDE:
*panicked*
They know we're here.

KYLE:
No shit!

CARTMAN lowers his head and starts crying.

STAN:
You okay, Cartman?

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Okay? OKAY?! I've been running away from and fighting zombie assholes by myself since you dicks decided to fucking abandon me! And to top it off, my own mom tried to eat me!
*pauses*
How THE FUCK do you think I feel?!

STAN:
I'm- I'm sorry, dude...

When CARTMAN pounds a fist on the door, everyone shirks back not knowing what to say.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Sorry?! God dammit, Stan! None of this would be happening if you weren't such a fucking selfish asshole!

STAN:
*low*
I'm aware of that.

WENDY:
Cartman-

Shadows of zombies suddenly appear in the frosted windows on either side of the door causing gasps from the children. The undead face of MS. CHOKSONDIK appears in the window on the door above CARTMAN's head. When she screeches, he spins away and adopts a defensive position near the rest of the group. The others ready their weapons.

WENDY:
If anyone has a suggestion, other than who to blame, I think now would be a good time!

STAN:
I'll jump out the window and be a decoy! You guys can escape out the back door!

CLYDE:
*panicked*
Are you fucking crazy?!

CARTMAN:
Let him go! I'm not dyin' for any of you assholes!

BEBE:
*flatly*
Real poetic, Cartman.

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Don't judge me, bitch!

TWEEK:
*low*
Argh! If- If you go out there, you'll be killed!

STAN:
*determined*
I put you guys in this mess. I'll be enough of a distraction for you guys to get to safer ground.

KENNY:
*shouting*
[No!]
*normal*
[I'll go!]

KYLE:
*raises an eyebrow*
You're the crazy one...

As the moans and screeches get louder, the door begins to shake. TWEEK stands at this point and takes a position between the group and the door.

TWEEK:
I- I'll go!

STAN:
Dude...

TWEEK:
I'm- I'm a faster runner and- Ack! -I've got a lead pipe! I'll take a few of them down with me!

CLYDE and the other kids head towards the back of the store.

CLYDE:
Good luck, Tweek!

STAN:
What? No! There has to be another way!

BEBE:
We're going to Fairplay! It'll be safer there!

WENDY:
Good luck!

TWEEK calmly approaches the door and rests his hand on the jiggling doorknob.

STAN:
Don't do this, dude! Nobody has to be left behind!

TWEEK:
I... I don't know if I can handle this kuh-kind of pressure!

CARTMAN:
Screw this! I'm gettin' outta here!

CARTMAN grabs a baseball bat on his way out the back. Everyone else follows.

KYLE:
*shouting*
C'mon, Stan!

STAN:
Tweek!

TWEEK:
*determined*
Go! Get away!

As soon as TWEEK flings the door open, STAN bolts towards the back entrance.

STAN:
*panicked*
God dammit!

ZOMBIE MS. CHOKSONDIK, ZOMBIE STUART MCCORMICK, and a few other familiar faces attempt to fit through the doorway all at once, but not before TWEEK dives between their legs with a primal war cry.

TWEEK:
Gah! Too much pressure!


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK MAIN STREET DISCTRICT - NIGHT
Lightning flashes ominously as rain pelts the dark and soggy landscape. STAN frantically, yet, determinedly makes his way down the street. KYLE, CARTMAN, KENNY, and WENDY chase after him. Water splashes every time their feet touch the ground.

KYLE:
Dude, where the hell are you going?

Thunder sharply strikes causing everyone to jump.

STAN:
I'm not letting anyone else die in vain, Kyle! I'm putting a stop to this!

CARTMAN:
*shocked*
What? Fuck that! Let's just run away! Someone else can deal with this!

STAN:
I'm doing this, fat ass. You don't have to come with.

CARTMAN stops running, but whimpers as the others get farther away. He begrudgingly catches up with the group.

CARTMAN:
God dammit. I hate you, Stan.

WENDY:
So where are we going?

STAN:
Wherever there's a huge group of mes running around.

KYLE:
...I have a feeling we should head towards the town square.

STAN:
What makes you say that?

KYLE:
I-
*pauses*
Just a feeling.

The group is suddenly brought to a halt by a zombie attack on WENDY, which brings her to the ground.

WENDY:
*panicked*
Guys!

She screams bloody murder before anyone can react. KYLE is the first. With a cry, he swings his sword and sends the zombie's severed arm flying. Now distracted, the zombie rises to its feet and makes to go after its assailant. However, STAN has his shotgun pointed directly at its head.

STAN:
Hey, asshole!

The zombie snarls and, after a flash and loud gunshot, falls over with a large gaping hole in its head. In a panic, KYLE kneels down beside WENDY and cradles her head in his arms. Her cheek and neck are completely gone. Blood covers everything.

KYLE:
*tearfully*
Wendy! You're gonna be okay! You're gonna be okay!

CARTMAN:
She's- She's dead, dude.

KYLE:
*tearfully*
No! No!

KENNY:
[We have to sever her head from her body.]

KYLE:
*tearfully*
What?! No!

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
Haven't you seen any of those zombie movies, Jew?

KYLE:
*tearfully*
But I'm not cutting her head off!

Tears well in the corners of STAN's eyes.

STAN:
She's gonna become a zombie, too, Kyle.

CARTMAN:
*sadly*
Just like my mom...

KYLE slowly grabs WENDY's abandoned sword on the ground along with his own.

KYLE:
*tearfully*
I...I don't want to do this.

As WENDY's eyes slowly open, her whites become black.

STAN:
*alarmed*
Kyle...!

KYLE:
*tearfully*
I-

As he cocks his arm back for the strike, WENDY moans wetly.

ZOMBIE WENDY:
*distorted*
Kyyyllle...

STAN looks on in pity as KYLE screams and swings his sword downwards. STAN, CARTMAN, and KENNY wince when the sound of steel hitting asphalt is heard. CARTMAN watches something move before closing his eyes and silently sighing. Lightning promptly becks and calls. Thunder sharply answers.

KENNY:
[God damn...]

KYLE slowly stands and with a furious expression uses a sword to point in the direction of the town square.

STAN:
Kyle...?

KYLE:
*pissed*
Stan, I'm gonna promise you this... This asshole's going down-

There is a close up of one of KYLE's hands as his grip on the sword tightens.

KYLE:
*pissed*
-or I'm gonna die trying!

CARTMAN taps the end of his bat into his open palm. A sardonic grin spreads across his face.

CARTMAN:
Let's kick some zombie ass, Jew!

KENNY:
[Yeah!]

CARTMAN and KENNY run off into the night with wild war cries. STAN looks down at WENDY with a sorrowful expression.

STAN:
*softly*
Wendy... I'm sorry.

He attempts to walk off before KYLE stops him.

KYLE:
Stan.

STAN looks into his friend's eyes.

KYLE:
I realize it now; I've been here before in this future. There's no time for details, but I'm sure of it now. The darkness. The rain. The smell of death. Stan, promise me! Promise me that whatever happens, you'll accept reality for what it is and let it go.

STAN nods.

KYLE:
*pissed*
Promise me, dude!

STAN:
I promise!

KYLE:
If not for you, if not for me...

KYLE looks down to the broken body of WENDY on the ground as tears well in his eyes again.

KYLE:
...Then do it for everyone else needlessly caught up in all this.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - NIGHT
Several lamp posts lined on the nearby streets illuminate the area. A low laying fog gathers near the ground. Several crates have been stacked on top of each other on the far side so that the DEAD STAN can see everyone and everything around him. ZOMBIE CHEF stands nearby along with DEAD STAN's army of ZOMBIE STANS. A vast majority of the townspeople appear to have been zombified. CLYDE, BEBE, BUTTERS, and the other kids can be seen among the crowd.

DEAD STAN:
This is freaking awesome! I finally did it! The entire town is MINE!

He raises a middle finger to the sky.

DEAD STAN:
See what I did, you trench coated asshole? I broke your time loop! I got what I WANTED! It's all MINE!

He laughs maniacally, but is cut short.

KYLE:
*off screen*
Hey, asshole!

DEAD STAN looks in the direction of the voice towards the opposite side of the square. Standing in a line are STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, and KENNY. Each one looking pissed and ready for battle. STAN casually brandishes his shotgun in one hand. KYLE rigidly has both swords pointed to the ground in a "V" formation. CARTMAN, again, taps the end of his bat into his open palm. While KENNY's hood masks any sort of expression on his face, the fact that he swiftly yanks his chainsaw's pull-chord easily gets across his readiness for a fight.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
These assholes aren't dead yet?!

KYLE raises a sword at the group of the undead.

KYLE:
The only dead asshole around here is you, asshole.

CARTMAN:
*snickers, hushed*
It's funny 'cause he's a zombie.

KENNY rolls his eyes.

CARTMAN:
*falters*
...He's already dead?
*pissed*
God dammit! It's funny, Kinny!

DEAD STAN:
Fine. You wanna play this game? Let's see how long you guys last against the entire town!

STAN:
So, how we wanna do this?

CARTMAN:
Pretend they're hippies. Kill them all. Heh.

KYLE:
Hippies don't want to eat other people, fat ass!

CARTMAN:
*pissed*
God dammit, Kahl!

STAN:
Guys, I think we're outnumbered no matter what we do.

KENNY:
[What if we just go for the asshole Stan on those crates?]

KYLE:
Kenny's right! This is just like a boss battle! All these other assholes are just to bog us down!

STAN:
So, we just head for asshole over there and take out anyone who gets in our way?

KYLE:
Right.

STAN:
I'm sold.

KENNY nods.

CARTMAN:
*annoyed*
Fine.

DEAD STAN:
Are you assholes fighting or what?

KYLE:
*narrowed eyes*
Ready, guys?

STAN cocks his shotgun single-handedly.

Boys:
*in perfect unison*
Ready!

KYLE:
Right.

STAN:
I've got my boomstick-

DEAD STAN:
*shouting*
Army of darkness-

Just as STAN raises his shotgun at the opposition, DEAD STAN raises a decaying finger towards the boys.

STAN/DEAD STAN:
*shouting*
Let's rock!

The two groups suddenly rush in for the kill, both screaming and yelling various war cries. KYLE, running ahead of the other boys, trails his swords behind him, while KENNY's hood falls back from the speed of his sprint. He waves the chainsaw above his head.

KENNY:
*shouting*
It's time to play zombie lumberjack!

ZOMBIE BEBE, now with tattered hair, leads the charge along with ZOMBIE TWEEK, snarling and growling. Behind them ZOMBIES CRAIG, RED, and BUTTERS screech loudly in excitement.

KENNY:
*shouting*
And I'm the lumberjack!

Just as the two groups are about to run head long into each other, CARTMAN leaps into the fray with a wild battle cry. As the baseball bat comes down on ZOMBIE MR. GARRISON's head, the scene cuts to KYLE as he steps up onto the back of the diving ZOMBIE MRS. MCCORMICK, jumps off towards the CAMERA, and brings the swords down into a double cross-slash. The screen splits into four equal triangles and falls apart, which reveals STAN using his shotgun as a staff. As he hits ZOMBIE BUTTERS in the face with the butt of the gun, KYLE is seen landing on his feet in the background and bounding into the fray while ZOMBIE RANDY falls to the ground in four equal pieces. STAN again pounds the butt of his shotgun in ZOMBIE BUTTERS' face until the head shatters in a multitude of gore and tiny pieces. He cocks his weapon with one hand, catches the butt with his other, aims, and quickly blows a hole in ZOMBIE MS. CRABTREE's chest. Through the hole, CARTMAN is seen backpedaling to avoid a hug from ZOMBIE STEPHEN STOTCH. When the now deceased bus driver falls forward, CARTMAN swings his bat around wide knocking the legs off of the nearby ZOMBIE MR. MACKEY and striking ZOMBIE STEPHEN STOTCH in the side, effectively burrowing the blunt weapon halfway through his midsection. With a grunt, CARTMAN pulls it free only for the recoil to send it and his arm backwards towards the gaping rotten maw of ZOMBIE MR. SLAVE. Unlike his ass, ZOMBIE MR. SLAVE's mouth can't take the hit and shatters.

CARTMAN:
Kick ass!

CARTMAN adopts a golfer's position as ZOMBIE MAYOR MCDANIELS mindlessly stumbles for him. He brings the bat upwards in a swift golf swing when she dives towards him-

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
Fore!

-and in slow motion, her head disconnects from her neck with a sickening sound and begins a journey in the air over the crowd as her body comes to a stop at his feet. KENNY can be seen running his father through with his chainsaw and enjoying every second of it. In an aerial view of the battle, MAYOR MCDANIELS' head slowly peaks in its flight very near the CAMERA; her expression forever locked in one of agony. STAN, straight below, chances a look up. Just as everything returns to normal speed-

STAN:
*from slo-mo to normal speed*
Heads up, Kyle!

-the CAMERA cuts to the flying head's point of view, with KYLE as its destination. KYLE begrudgingly spears his own mother in the throat and abandons that sword, at the last possible second, to whip around and slice the airborne projectile into two halves.

CARTMAN:
*shouting*
I could use a stamina potion right about now!

KYLE swiftly spins back around and retrieves his other sword just as ZOMBIE SHEILA begins to fall backwards.

KYLE:
*shouting*
This isn't a video game, fat ass!

Nearby, KENNY makes himself known by swinging the running chainsaw in a wide horizontal arc causing the upper halves of any nearby zombies to fly into the air.

STAN:
*shouting*
You were the one comparing this to a game, Kyle!

As the zombie torsos hit the ground, KENNY brings his weapon down vertically and, covering himself and everything else in gore-

KENNY:
*shouting*
Timber!

-splits ZOMBIE SHELLEY MARSH in twain. He laughs and bounds screen right, revealing the DEAD STAN on his crates not too far away. ZOMBIE CHEF grumbles wetly.

DEAD STAN:
Yeah. That's a good idea, Chef. Get in there.

He grins evilly.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
Make him suffer.

ZOMBIE CHEF disappears into the battle. He weaves in and out, passing STAN, KYLE, and KENNY. However, instead of following ZOMBIE CHEF, the CAMERA stays with KENNY as his chainsaw sputters and falls silent and still. He panics and attempts to bring it back to life. The nearby STAN sees this and attempts to come to his aid. A screech causes STAN to look to the CAMERA with fear, scream, and then duck to avoid an attack to his face. When he comes back up and beats the CAMERA with the butt of his shotgun, the screen cracks into spiderwebs before shattering and falling away to reveal KENNY still struggling.

KENNY:
*shouting*
Goddamnmotherfucking-

He screams in terror as he's suddenly tackled by ZOMBIES BEBE and JORDAN. Nearby, STAN's progress is halted by a hissing ZOMBIE PRINCIPAL VICTORIA. STAN cocks his gun-

STAN:
*pissed*
Get outta my way.

-and shoots her point blank. As her headless body falls to the ground, STAN leans to the side with a cry of surprise to dodge a flying chainsaw and arm. He stumbles to the ground after he attempts to evade an attack from ZOMBIE LOLA while unbalanced.

STAN:
*shouting*
Oh my god! They killed Kenny!

He scrambles to his feet and runs off in the direction of his counterpart watching the show from high on the crates. Nearby, KYLE chops the arms off an assailant creating dual fountains of rotten blood-

KYLE:
*shouting*
You bastards!

-and then turns to decapitate another, sending its head spinning into the air with another fountain.

KYLE:
*screaming*
YOU BASTARDS!

Back at CARTMAN, he punts ZOMBIE SHARON MARSH in the knees and brings the bat down on her head when she falls forward. He laughs triumphantly as he swings at and tears down another assailant. The zombies surrounding him suddenly back away when ZOMBIE CHEF materializes behind him. CARTMAN raises an eyebrow in confusion. Nearby, STAN has finally reached the DEAD STAN and his ZOMBIE STAN army. Several ZOMBIE STANS hiss and snarl as he approaches.

DEAD STAN:
*mockingly grins*
Hey, dude! Great to see you!

STAN's response is an angry glare. DEAD STAN leaps off his crates and lands on the ground.

DEAD STAN:
So, you ready to admit it?

STAN swiftly raises his middle finger.

STAN:
The only thing I'm admitting is that I fucked up by bringing you here.

DEAD STAN:
*bares his teeth*
Why are you refusing to break? Admit it, you asshole!

STAN:
I didn't want this!

Back at KYLE, he spears ZOMBIE TWEEK in the abdomen with both swords, lifts him above his head, and tosses him into a nearby crowd, sending them all to the ground in a heap. Back at CARTMAN, ZOMBIE CHEF at this point has picked CARTMAN up by his coat and is holding him near his grinning, eyeless face. CARTMAN struggles to get away, but fails.

ZOMBIE CHEF:
*guttural*
Sal'sbury chillldrrren...

CARTMAN:
*panicking*
No, Chef! You make the salisbury steak for us!

Just as ZOMBIE CHEF opens his mouth wide, the CAMERA cuts back to STAN. He grimaces as CARTMAN's bloody screams come to a wet gurgling stop. The DEAD STAN grins sardonically as he claps his hands together.

STAN:
*sadly, hushed*
Cartman...

In the background, KYLE tears down one of MAYOR MCDANIELS' ASSISTANTS.

KYLE:
*screaming*
FAT ASS!

DEAD STAN:
I never get tired of watching Cartman die. It always...

He grins wickedly.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
...puts a smile on my face.

STAN:
*pissed*
You- You son of a bitch!

DEAD STAN:
Dude, he killed me. I think I'm allowed my revenge.

STAN:
This Cartman didn't kill you.

DEAD STAN:
*frowns*
You know, you're right, kid. He didn't, but don't think that he wouldn't have done it if given the chance. Kyle and Wendy saved you from my fate that day by dragging you to see me at my grave. Your grave.

His psychotic grin grows wider.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
If only they knew that they introduced me to my salvation...yet again.

STAN:
*blinks*
You're fucking crazy!

DEAD STAN laughs and gestures to all the STANS.

DEAD STAN:
We all are. If you think about it, Stan Marsh brought this upon everyone.

STAN:
*pissed*
But you're the one pulling the strings!

DEAD STAN:
I'm you. So, logically, you're the one doing the string pulling around here.

KYLE:
*shouting*
Stan!

STAN brings his gun up and cocks it.

STAN:
*pissed*
I'm done with you and your god damn logic!

KYLE is suddenly overwhelmed by the opposition. As ZOMBIE BEBE grabs him from behind, ZOMBIES RED and LOLA force him to drop his swords. He screams out in surprise and thrashes about in a panic. The remaining zombies swarm up to him like vultures on prey. They rip off his coat and shirt, causing his thrashing to become more violent.

DEAD STAN:
Huh. Well, if that's the case, then I guess I'll just have to kill myself.

Tears form in STAN's eyes as ZOMBIE CHEF approaches and tosses CARTMAN's mutilated body between the two STANS. DEAD STAN laughs in a deranged manner. KYLE's screams suddenly turn louder and more desperate.

STAN:
*tearfully*
I didn't want this!

DEAD STAN:
But I do, so that means that you do. And since you won't willingly do what *I* want...

He laughs.

DEAD STAN:
*cont'd*
I'll just have to break you.

ZOMBIE CHEF's expression turns to one of remorse.

ZOMBIE CHEF:
*distorted*
I told you it'd bite you on the ass, children.

All STANS look to ZOMBIE CHEF in surprise.

DEAD STAN:
*surprised*
What?

ZOMBIE STAN#1:
*sadly*
I know I've got some emotional problems, but god damn.

ZOMBIE STAN#2:
*sadly*
Yeah. This kid's crazy. Why the hell am I siding with him?

ZOMBIE STAN#3:
*sadly*
I guess I fucked up, huh.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Assholes, stop self reflecting and get that asshole over there!

The ZOMBIE STANS disappear one by one as they accept their position in life, death, and reality. Zombies begin pulling KYLE's entrails out from his stomach and feast upon them.

KYLE:
*screaming*
STAN! BLOW HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!

STAN glares at his counterpart through the eyesight of his shaking shotgun. Tears fall from his eyes as KYLE's screams gurgle to a stop.

STAN:
*pissed*
I stole your life? You stole my friends, my family! You influenced and possessed me! By your logic, you stole MY life! By your logic, this means that I killed my friends! I influenced and possessed myself! I have no one to blame but myself.
*pauses*
I dunno about you, butt pirate, but I see only one option to deal with someone this fucked in the head.

The remaining zombies gather behind STAN, as if ready to overwhelm him.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
Seriously, kid? Do you really think you have the balls to kill me?

STAN:
*pissed*
Let's find out.

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
I know you, dude! You're too much of a pussy to kill anything, let alone yourself!

STAN:
*pissed*
You read the paper?

DEAD STAN:
*pissed*
I'm dead, artard. What do you think?

STAN:
*pissed*
Well, the Shotgun Daily has news for you, asshole.

DEAD STAN:
*surprised*
Wait. What?

The CAMERA cuts to black with the sound of a gunshot.


CUT TO EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAWN
Aside from bloodstains, crushed grass, and the occasional disembodied limb, there appears to be very little evidence of the zombie fight courtesy of the continuously falling rain. The sun can be seen rising in the cloud free eastern sky. A flash of light appears and suddenly a disheveled and bruised KYLE is standing in the center of the square. He looks around bewildered for a moment before seeing STAN sitting off in the distance near a pile of stones with his head between his knees. As KYLE approaches, STAN's weeping becomes more apparent.

KYLE:
*confused*
Stan?

STAN:
*tearfully*
I did it, Kyle. I kept my promise to you.

KYLE:
*confused*
What promise? What's up with that pile of rocks?

STAN:
*tearfully*
I buried you guys there. I had to.

He sniffles.

STAN:
*cont'd, tearfully*
I couldn't leave you guys without some kind of burial.

KYLE:
Dude, I'm right here!

STAN stands and regards his friend with bloodshot eyes.

STAN:
It's alright, Kyle. You don't need to convince me about reality. Chef already did that.

KYLE:
*confused*
What?

STAN:
He was right. You were right. I didn't want any of this.
*softly*
But I wanted it anyway. The other me.

KYLE:
Dude, you're not making any sense.

STAN:
All the world needs to know is that I never wanted any of this to happen.

STAN walks away. KYLE looks to the mass grave for a moment before following his friend.

KYLE:
Dude, what the hell happened here? What killed everyone but you?

STAN beats a palm on his forehead.

STAN:
Stop it! Go away! I don't want to think about it anymore!

KYLE:
Think about what? Dude, talk to me!

STAN continues walking until he comes to a sword lying innocently in the grass. He picks it up and regards it carefully.

KYLE:
*concerned*
Stan... What are you doing?

STAN:
*sadly*
I've accepted reality, Kyle, but I can't live with it.
*hushed*
I'm sorry.

With one swift motion and a cry of pain, he jabs the sword into his stomach. KYLE cries out in surprise and rushes to STAN's side as he falls to the ground.

KYLE:
*panicked*
Dude!

STAN:
*weakly*
Kyle, you said you saw this future.

He coughs up blood.

STAN:
*cont'd, weakly*
If you're real and...and not...in my head... Make sure-

He coughs wetly.

STAN:
*cont'd, weakly*
Make sure...that I promise you...to accept reality...for what it is...and let it go...

KYLE:
*shocked*
I- I will, dude.

STAN:
*weakly*
Don't...let me...raise...the...deh...

STAN silently falls limp beside the now crying KYLE.

KYLE:
*tearfully*
Raise the what, Stan?
*pauses*
Stan?

KYLE shakes STAN.

KYLE:
*tearfully*
Stan?!

He bows his head as he openly weeps. The scene fades to darkness with a clock's ticking coming into being.

UNKNOWN VOICE:
TIME WILL EVENTUALLY SWEEP THE OBSTRUCTION DAMMING IT AWAY OR BURY IT DEEP WHERE IT CANNOT BE FOUND. THE STRONG CURRENTS OF TIME WILL ALWAYS TAKE YOU TO THE SAME LOCATION. MANNER OF TRAVEL MATTERS NOT. STRENGTH MATTERS NOT. SAFETY MATTERS NOT. FAIRNESS MATTERS NOT. TIME CARES NOT ABOUT SUCH THINGS. ALL THAT CONCERNS TIME IS THAT IT CONTINUES FLOWING LIKE THE MIGHTY RIVER; SWIFTLY AND NEVER HALTING.

STAN:
So, in other words, you're saying that shit happens and it's gonna happen no matter what I do.

UNKNOWN VOICE:
IN SIMPLE TERMS, YES. YOUR FATE IS SET. NO MATTER WHAT FORK IS TAKEN YOU STILL WILL END UP AT THE SAME PORT OF CALL.

STAN:
I... I didn't want this to happen... Is there anything you can do to change it?

UNKNOWN VOICE:
I HAVE LOST COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED OF ME. AS SUCH I HAVE LOST COUNT THE NUMBER OF TIMES I HAVE GIVEN THIS SAME RESPONSE. CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE, STAN MARSH. NOT MANY GET A SECOND CHANCE, LET ALONE MANY IN YOUR CASE, TO SHAPE AND ALTER THE FLOW OF TIME.

STAN:
So... Is that a yes?

The ticking stops and all is silent.

UNKNOWN VOICE:
*sighs*
YES. I WILL HELP YOU. LET US PRAY TO THE GODDESS OF TIME THAT THIS CHANCE IS SUCCESSFUL.