A/N - Sorry for taking so long end of rhe school year whipped my ass sooo here we are.
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"Eda wait!" Raine had begun a mad dash down the stairs, "I-I'm sorry! Shit, I didn't mean it!" Their hand was extended out as they reached for their girlfriend, who was already out the front door. They reached the door and shouted again.
But Eda was far, far ahead of them. She was running, clearly trying to get away.
"EDA COME BACK!" Raine begged, hysteria creeping into their ever shaking vocal chords, "PLEASE, I'M SORRY!" Eda was turning more and more into a distant dot as Raine continued to shout for her.
Their knees wobbled as they clung to the doorway. The world darkened around them.
"Please…"
But she was gone. Eda was gone. She'd run away. Just like she always did.
They struggled to breathe as they sobbed. Their eyes were heavy, and every time they tried to take a breath it came out more nasty than the last as they choked.
She'd left them, and now they were here alone. Alone. Alone like she'd always forced herself to be.
Raine's brain was overwhelmed.
Their eyes glanced up at Hooty, who appeared to be confused.
"What just happened?" He asked. Raine stood up, clenching their fists. They slammed the front door shut, ignoring Hooty's question.
"Damnit… damnit damnit DAMNIT! I just wanted to help! Why does she never LISTEN!" Raine paced back towards the stairs. Autopilot took over as they kept muttering to themself.
A sea of agony was bubbling to the surface. They'd messed up badly.
When they reached the top of the stairs though, they realized who was still there.
"Lydian!" They remembered their daughter's injury and rushed over to her. Lydian hadn't moved, and there was a small puddle of blood underneath her where her face had been dripping a scarlet liquid.
The five year old stood silent, shaking.
"Crap…" They said to themself. That's right. This was why Eda ran. She'd hurt their daughter.
Raine knew she'd never intentionally do this, but the agony that flooded their brain was short of pretty. It was a moment of suppression, though. They had to help Lydian first.
They approached her and sat down in front of her, placing their hands on her shoulders.
"Are you okay?" Raine asked Lydian. Her expression was frozen, haunted by whatever it was she had just witnessed. Panic filled every fiber of their being. How were they supposed to help her?! Raine knew no healing magic!
It came to them then.
They drew a quick circle to summon a crow and shakingly dialed Althea's number. They needed help. They didn't know what to do… and… there was so much blood…
It rang for a few seconds.
They spoke first when they heard her pick it up.
"Althea," Raine's voice was incredibly shaky, "Althea please I… Help… Blood, L-Lydian's bleeding I-I… fuck fuck fuck…"
"Huh?" Althea sounded confused, "I'm on my way, try to stop the bleeding. Do you know how to do that? Where is Eda?!"
"Eda… Lydian's bleeding and I-" They inhaled sharply and exclaimed, "PLEASE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO…"
"Okay, woah, deep breath," Althea said, "I'll be there soon. Get a clean towel and apply lots of pressure to the wound. It better not be bleeding by the time I get there."
"Y-Yeah!" Raine said. Althea hung up and Raine tried to think. Towel, towel… bathroom! They rushed to the bathroom and grabbed one of the clean towels put away in the cabinet.
They rushed back out and patted it against Lydian's face. The bleeding wasn't heavy, but Raine could tell it wouldn't be stopping on its own and that thought chilled them. Their hands shook as they pressed the cream cloth on her face. Lydian whimpered under the pressure.
"Sweetie please, I-I have to get this to s-stop…" They kneeled down in front of her. Raine could feel her beginning to slip so they lifted her up into their lap. They sat there, both trembling, while Raine tried their best to stop the bleeding. Their daughter had begun to cry and was muttering unintelligibly into their shirt.
Just a few minutes. They had to keep it together for just a few minutes.
The world had slowed.
Only their thoughts raced through their head. Despite Lydian's ever tightening clutch her cries became background fuzz to them. They did try to soothe her with a melancholy hum.
How did they get here? Why did they… why did they do this to themself?
A part of them wanted to scream and shout at Eda still, telling her to get it together, but… they knew it was also their fault.
But was it really? Eda had plenty of times been given opportunities to tell them what was wrong!
Raine's heart beat wildly out of their chest. Their grip tightened around Lydian.
The world was engulfed, the only thing left that mattered was for them to keep it together just a little longer.
Did it matter though? This symphony that had been built up, by them alone, had just reached its abrupt end. The invisible conductor, with their hands stuck in the air. Every moment Raine expected its continuation but its silence was painful, with nothing more they could do.
What else could they do?
There was nothing they could have done to prevent this. They were so sure of it. They had asked Eda before they read the diary what was wrong. And she completely blew them off and ran off without answering with even a deflection.
They had no other choice! She would never give them an answer… they had nothing else they could do.
A dull pain persisted in their head. Raine couldn't stop their thoughts from running. Their dam had finally burst and… and they didn't know what to do.
The fifteen minutes it took for Althea to get there finally ended. Thankfully, Lydian's face had slowed down its bleeding.
Althea had nearly dropped their bag of supplies when they got to the top of the stairs.
"I…" Althea said. Raine's head whirled to her and their eyes watered.
"Help…" They muttered. Althea snapped back and rushed to the two. They scooped up Lydian.
"Oh you poor thing, how are you feeling? Does it hurt anywhere?" Raine watched Lydian nod and point towards her face.
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," Raine stood up and began to pace, "Althea what the fuck! I… fuck…" They didn't have any more tears but the trembles didn't go away. Their mind felt as if it was going to explode, "I have to find out where she went, I-I have to talk to her-"
"Raine!" Althea cut into their ramble, "I don't know what happened but your daughter is already horrified. You need to either get it together or go somewhere else because whatever happened has traumatized her and neither of you needs this situation to get any worse!"
Raine stopped in their tracks and stared wide eyed at Althea. Lydian was crying loudly. Althea was trying their best to shush her.
It hit them that they weren't helping right now. They went down to one of the closets and closed the door behind them and continued their pacing in there. The silence and isolation of the room made them feel worse.
"What did I do… Titan, why did I do that!"
Things had been fine! They didn't have to do that, they didn't have to open that stupid diary. They could have gone on without ever knowing and everything could have been like it used to be!
They slipped onto the floor against the door and put their head in their hands. Raine would much rather scream but Althea was right. Lydian had to come first. Lydian always came first.
The same thoughts raced over and over again when eventually they felt the door behind them open.
"Raine," Their head turned to see the brunette once again. It was then that Raine registered she wasn't wearing their uniform.
"Y-you know of all the surprises tonight for some reason I'm shocked to see you finally not wearing white," They chuckled to themself, trying to cover up their pain.
"Get up, we need to talk." Althea huffed. Raine attempted to pry themself off the floor but failed. Althea gave them a concerned look as they grabbed their arms. Pulling them up, she could now stare them directly in the face, "What happened?!"
"I…" Raine stared down at their shaking hands and clenched them. Althea grabbed them and directed their gaze back up at her.
"Raine," She took a deep breath and let it out. Raine followed the pattern, noticing themself beginning to calm down. They felt grounded, at least temporarily.
Althea gave them a concerned look as they guided them out of the closet. She stopped outside their bedroom and Raine felt themself freeze.
"Not in there," Their words were hardly above a whisper. Althea understood and took them downstairs instead.
The two sat down on the sofa.
"Alright, let me ask you again," Althea began, "What happened?" Raine could feel their senses returning to them which thankfully meant they could… explain.
"Well… I…" Tears threatened to leave but Raine wasn't sure if any more could be produced, "I really messed up…"
"Alright, hey, look at me," Althea said, "Whatever happened I'm not going to be mad at you."
"Althea you don't understand! I-I… I might have…" Raine gulped, "I read her diary."
She didn't respond. Just stared shocked into their shimmering eyes.
"I messed up, I know that! But I was just so worried about her!" Raine said, "A-and when I read it… I found out she'd been lying… about her curse and all… it was never gone!"
"And I told her! I took all my anger out on her!" They squeezed their eyes shut and held their tears, "I forced her to talk to me when she didn't want to! Titan, I'm such an idiot!"
"It got worse when I… Althea I…" Raine opened their eyes and stared at her, "I… I told her that I didn't think… that she loved Lydian…"
"How did she take that?"
"She… oh she was pissed," Raine leaned back to the sofa, "She really… she absolutely let it out and then I… I didn't know where I was anymore because I was just so angry with myself!" They looked down at their hands, "A-and when I came back to it was a-after… Lydian…"
"Did Eda turn?" Althea asked.
"No! At least… not here she didn't," Raine said, "She dropped her bottle of elixir…"
"So she was already upset? Her curse acts up when she's upset, I asked her once," Althea said, "For the love of Titan, Raine, you knew that didn't you?"
"Y-yeah…"
"And you still egged her on? Expecting her to take it all fine?" Althea rubbed their temples, "Of course she ran off! If this is what happened just because she dropped a glass, she must've been horrified of what would've happened if she turned!"
Raine's mouth begged to express a counter, but their brain could think of nothing.
"She lied to you, why? Because she was scared! She's having such a harsh reaction because this was what she expected!"
"But I never would have… if she told me…"
"Do you think that matters now? You proved her right! Imagine how that must be making her feel!" Althea turned her head away and took a deep breath. They turned back around and placed a hand on Raine's shoulder, "Look… I can tell you're not doing great either, you're validly upset that she lied about all this… but for Titan's sake do you not recognize what actually happened?"
Raine bit their lip, desperately avoiding Althea's cold gaze.
"I can't stay here… I can't…" They admitted.
"You are in no condition to be leaving by yourself, and with a child nonetheless," Althea's voice was firm but still soft.
"I… I want to go to my moms' house." They sat up straight, "Just for a few days until… until I think we can…" Raine shook their head, "I can't… I can't be with E-Eda…" Her name almost doesn't come. It's agonizing to utter. A sting.
"What do you mean by that?" Althea tilted their head.
"I-I can't be with her like we are now," Raine looked down with sorrow.
"... oh." She offered a hand, "You want to break it off with her." Raine hesitantly nodded.
"I can help you," Althea said, "If it's just your parents." They stood up, "Do not worry about a thing."
"B-but Lydian…" Raine felt their tears returning. Damnit, not yet. They quickly wiped them away.
"I'll get her a bag of clothes, and you some too," Althea held their hand out for Raine to grab, "Come on." Raine reached out and took it.
Raine wasn't sure how awake they were anymore. Althea had grabbed two duffel bags worth of clothes for them and their daughter, Raine by some means summoned their palisman, Alto, to fly on, and then suddenly they'd landed right back where everything started.
"Raine, go ahead and get up, we're here," Althea was already off of Alto and had Lydian in their arms. She was asleep, the wound on her face covered up with a bandage.
They stood up, wobbling on their legs as they grasped the bags of clothes. Althea guided them towards the front door and soon enough, they stood before it.
Their wrist locked just above the door. They don't want to do this. They didn't want to go this low. Going to their moms? Crying for help? They were thirty.
Althea ended up knocking for them.
Several moments later they could hear someone on the other side.
"Who could be here at such a late hour?" Raine gulped hearing the voice of their Ma as she unlocked the front door. When it opened her hand fell and released the light glyph she held.
"Mrs. Whispers… I think Raine needs a place to stay," Althea explained, "Something happened." Dread filled the older woman's face.
"Oh Titan, Raine are you okay?!" Their Ma demanded an answer, "Get inside, you look exhausted." She placed a hand behind their back and guided them inside. Althea followed with Lydian still dozing off in their arms.
"Do you have a place I can lay her down?" They asked her. Delilah nodded and pointed to the stairs.
"First bedroom on the left, it's Raine's old room," She motioned.
"Thank you," Althea headed away from them, leaving Raine with their mom. Raine sat the duffel bags off the floor and stared off into nothing again.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked them. Raine squeezed their eyes shut, shaking their head. Delilah sighed and took their hand, guiding them to the kitchen further inside the house. Once in it, she gestured for them to sit on a stool.
They watched as she summoned a kettle and placed it on the stove. Their Ma twirled her finger and lit the stove aflame. She began searching through the cabinets for… something. Eventually she grabbed a mug from a higher shelf and sat it down on the counter. Once the water began to boil, she got the kettle and poured it into the mug, placing a small bag of herbs in it as well.
Raine realized their mom had made them tea when she sat the steaming cup in front of them on the counter.
"Is Lydian okay? I noticed the patch on her face… and it looked like she'd been crying," Delilah asked. Raine shrugged their shoulders.
"I-I think she'll be okay," They clasped their hands around the mug, blowing cool air into the liquid, "It just… she just…" Raine didn't want to directly say anything, "She's going to be okay."
"Yeah, it should be about a week before it'll be healed enough to leave it without the patch, but she'll be just fine," Raine's tired eyes looked up and saw Althea had entered the kitchen, "It'll probably scar a little, though." Raine bit their lip.
Great. A reminder of their colossal failure.
"Thank you for bringing them… Althea, was it?" Their Ma said.
"Yes ma'am," The witch nodded their head, "I'll leave now, apologies if anything of this was unwarranted. And Raine." Althea made eye contact with them, "I expect you to reach out again. Especially if you need somebody."
They barely indicated a response, giving her a shallow nod. Althea left the room, with no additional dialogue. Now Raine knew for sure they were alone with their Ma.
And it felt appropriate to let it all out.
It was sudden, the tears flooded out of them in a tidal wave. Their Ma immediately gasped and held onto them, which only made Raine cry more. How were they supposed to function? How were they supposed to move on from this?
Luckily their Ma didn't ask them what happened again. She was silent as she let their child cry into her arms.
"I-I did something bad…" They muttered into her shoulder, "I ruined her…"
"Shh… it's going to be okay," Delilah ran her fingers through their mint hair.
"It is n-not okay!" Raine heaved, "You d-don't even know what I-I did!"
"You should get some rest, dear," She told them. Raine shook their head, shoving her away.
"Stop trying to make it sound like I'm a victim, I don't deserve it!" They felt their back hit the counter behind them, "P-please… don't tell me it's g-going to be okay!"
Delilah stood in the same spot, clearly stunned by Raine's oddly harsh reaction.
"... if that's what you want," Raine watched as she placed the ball of light onto the counter beside them, "I'll go back to bed. You don't have to say a word and I won't ask."
"But I'm always going to be here for you, Dewdrop," Raine choked another sob when she called them by their old nickname. She always called them that when they were little.
"Just leave me alone…" Their Ma frowned at their response, but respected their wishes and left the kitchen.
Raine hung their head low as they stared back at the light on the counter. Beside it the seeping cup of tea sat. They could see the top of their reflection in it. Their eyes were haunted, still swollen from the tears that continued to drizzle.
They grabbed the cup and made their way to the backdoor, opening it onto the back deck. Outside, the cool December air brushed their body. They closed the door behind them and sat on the steps.
Finally alone in their thoughts, they could let everything swarm around them in their mind.
It had been their fault.
All of this had been caused because they couldn't help but just… easily invade their girlfriend's privacy. Call her out on it on the one day of the year that should've been left untainted. Yell at her outside of the one thing that stood between them and their daughter hearing their argument, and the unfriendly accusation that came from her parent.
Raine had accused Eda, the one who sacrificed so much just to bring their little girl into the world, of not loving their daughter. Raine learned about the trauma Eda had gone through for them and used it against her.
What had happened to them?
They would never have done something like this… especially before they'd had Lydian.
Raine was starting to put together what had happened to Eda, but them? None of it made sense. Maybe it was just a change. Maybe they'd been stressed because of money becoming tighter and tighter. Or maybe it was because they'd known all along. Deep down a voice telling them that… something wasn't right.
Knowing their pathetic optimism, that wouldn't be shocking.
Their hands clenched tighter around the mug they held.
Oh for crying out loud, they knew how stupid they'd turned out to be. Even when they put everything together, they still didn't understand. Now it was too late. It was far too late.
Raine wished Eda was still here. Just to yell at them. To tell them over and over again how horrible they'd been to her. They knew all along that something was wrong and they pretended everything was fine.
They sat the cup down beside them and they readjusted their collar. Despite how cold it was, they were starting to sweat.
That's when they felt the familiar plating of their pin. They removed it and held it. That snapdragon.
Had that really been what this was the entire time? They loved snapdragons, Raine couldn't deny that, but it was ironic considering everything they could mean. Raine had always tried seeing the flowers as a symbol of strength, but now the pin stared back and mocked them. Their other symbolism, deceit. How funny of them to be that way. The last thing Raine could have thought would betray them and it was those stupid flowers that had always been woven into their memories of their relationship with Eda.
They remembered it clearly. Eda's birthday. Five years ago. Before Lydian was born.
"Raine, considering my condition I'm shocked you're still slower than me," Eda had called from up ahead on top of the hill.
"It's hot! I'm sweating!" Raine complained to her as they finally reached the spot.
"Ah, but you did it all just for me," She'd said, "For your favorite witch's birthday…"
"Haha yeah, congrats, you're twenty five now," Raine had rolled their eyes playfully.
"Well I'd say this marks a turning point, a new era in both our lives!" Eda had smiled gleefully.
"Exactly, we're having a baby after all," They had held their arms around Eda and placed them on her slightly swollen stomach.
"Yeah…" Her voice was oddly sad sounding. Raine had looked up at her and noticed her staring off with a distant glare. From one perspective, she'd looked gorgeous in that moment. There was something about her that always made Raine feel nothing but love and desire for her.
But something had been off.
"You doing okay? I understand this has been a lot for you," Raine said. Eda shrugged her shoulders.
"Think I'll just miss the freedom of being able to drink all night and running away from scouts when I steal something a little too expensive for the Emperor's Coven to ignore," She had chuckled. Raine watched as a few tears slipped down her cheeks.
"Hey, shhh," Raine had turned her around to face them and wiped the tears off, "I promise it's all going to be great. And… I get it. I'll miss getting into wacky hijinks with you, Eda." She'd melted into Raine's palm, sniffling.
"I know," She said, "I-I think it's just hormones."
"It's okay to let it out," They told her, "I'm glad you feel comfortable doing that now."
Eda had bitten her lip as she nodded in supposed agreement.
Their grip tightened around the present. A gift from Eda. Ironically, they'd gotten it the same day everything around them began to crumble.
Truly ironic.
Raine stared at it a while longer.
Did she know somehow? That this would happen? Did she even realize?
They never would know what Eda was thinking.
Raine threw the pin into the backyard. They didn't care what happened to that dumb thing.
They buried their face in their hands. Their tears, still unwelcome, made their return. Raine was an adult, Raine was a parent, Raine was so much better than sitting here wallowing in this self pity they'd created.
Without batting an eye towards the cup of tea again, they stood up and went back inside.
They needed to sleep.
They entered their old bedroom and quickly snapped on their pajamas. Collapsing onto their former bed, they spotted Lydian asleep on the other side. Althea had placed a pillow to separate them in the middle.
A part of them wanted to protest the idea and grab the pillow to place it somewhere else so Lydian wouldn't have to feel alone but… Raine knew they couldn't. They couldn't bear to see her like she was.
Raine viewed the clock on their bedside table. 1:15am. They took off their glasses and placed them beside the clock.
They laid on their back and blinked at the ceiling. They then allowed the exhaustion to consume their body.
Sleep came shortly after.
…
…
….
…
Raine had hoped their fatigued mind and body would keep them asleep, but when they awoke in a cold sweat only a few hours after going upstairs, they knew it was a futile effort.
They pushed the comforter of their bed back and stared around the room, nearly having forgotten where they were. Right. Their moms' house. Lydian was asleep beside them and… Eda was somewhere else. Somewhere they didn't know.
Raine grabbed their glasses and checked the time again.
2:43am.
For Titan's sake they just wanted to sleep so they could wake up and feel better. Lydian had been through enough already and seeing them like this would make it worse.
The self loathing was a quick return. When they moved to sit on the edge of their bed they knew it would be impossible to feel better from sleeping.
They needed to hear her voice. They needed to hear her again, telling them how livid she was with them.
Twirling their finger they tried making an illusion of Eda. But the Eda that appeared wasn't quite her. It was her former self, from before Lydian.
"Raine…" Was all it could say. Raine stared at her, haunted. It wasn't real. They couldn't even act like it was.
For Titan's sake they couldn't even get this right.
Brushing away the illusion of Eda they crossed their arms again, allowing their tears to once again return. Raine stood and began looking around their room. Unchanged since they moved out eleven years ago.
Throughout their room there were many old photos of them their moms had left. For sentiment, that's what they assumed. Yet their eyes landed on a photo of them from shortly after they started Hexside. It was the first time they'd hung out with Eda at their house. They were holding their viola, while Eda was, funnily enough, holding her mandolin entirely wrong. It was shortly after she'd gotten it, having been inspired by Raine being a bard and all.
They picked up the photo and stared down at it. They looked so happy together. Things were so much simpler then.
Nothing would be simple now.
Raine placed the photo down and shifted their eyes to look at a photo beside it. One where they'd received a performance award from the bard coven. The certificate sat behind the photo, and Raine saw the sigil mocking them now.
Maybe this was all a sign, to conform, to do what they'd been destined to do.
To be nothing more than the bard they'd always been. The bard they assumed themself to be.
And the bard Eda would hate.
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i feel insane
