That night Sirius didn't stay awake for long enough to hear Remus return to their dorm, but it must have been late. When Remus had run off he hadn't bothered chasing him, he was too fast any way, but there was no point in embarrassing him by running after him. In the morning Remus watched Sirius pack, neither said a word to the other, only James and Peter spoke.
When they were on the train Remus quickly made an excuse about needing to speak to Evans and quickly fled their compartment. Sirius was soon fixed with the suspicious stares of both James and Peter
"So... I'm sensing a bit of tension between you and Remus" Said James folding his arms
"No shit Sherlock" sneered Sirius
"Well... What's up?"
"Ugh, it's a long story. Ask Remus in a letter. I'd feel guilty telling you"
"You're joking! What the fuck is going on Sirius? Did you have a fight or what?" said James outraged
"We didn't have a fight" he said in a deliberate monotone. He didn't want to give James any clues about what might have happened "Ask Remus later – my lips are sealed"
"Why... what... I- Argh!!!" Growled James through frustration. Peter looked as irritated as James did, but didn't say a word
"We're changing the subject" said Sirius in his monotone
"No we aren't!" replied James indignantly
"Well I'm not speaking, so, ammuse yourself, you won't get a word out of me"
*
"Lily?" Remus poked his head round the door of her compartment, her friends smiled poiltely at him
"Hi Remus" she grinned
"Can I steal you for a minute?"
"Of course – I'll be back soon" she left with Remus as her friends chorussed goodbye. Remus pulled her into an empty compartment he'd found and prepared with a silencing charm minutes before
"Sirius kissed me"
"HE WHAT?!" she realised how loud she'd yelled "Oh sorry" she whispered
"No it's fine – I already did a silencing charm"
"Okay... HE WHAT?!"
"He kissed me"
"Why?" she looked stunned
"He said it was "the way I looked in the light" and "a rush of hormones""
"Oh my god! What was it like?" She said now beaming and jumping on the spot a little
"It was perfect. Utterly, utterly perfect"
"OH MY GOD!"
"And then I ran off"
"Oh... What did you do that for!?"
"I panicked, but it's okay, because he came after me"
"Wow Remus, I'm so happy for you" she giggled manically "then what happened"
"he started making excuses, then I ran away again"
"What did you do that for!? That's like something James would do!"
"I know, it was stupid..." he felt tears buring the back of his eyes "We haven't spoken at all since" he swallowed "I think I'm in love with him. It's all fucked up, Lily"
"Aww, Remus" she paused while she searched for comforting words but they failed to find her "it really is isn't it?"
"I know" his bottom lip trembled and he swivelled his head so he was staring out of the window, not wanting Lily to see his eyes fill up. She grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug
"It's alright Rem. You know what you could do?"
"Find new friends and never see Sirius again?"
" him! You have to speak to him sometime"
"Or! I could just hide in here for the rest of the journey" suggested Remus
*
Remus
What the fuck was going on with you and Sirius yesterday? Sirius told me to ask you.
James x
James
I'm not sure you'd want to know.
Take care, Remus x
Just tell me you bastard. Because I'm convinced the 2 of you are fucking
James x
We aren't fucking, Sirius kissed me on the last day of 's why we weren't speaking. I only spoke to Evans for a few minutes, I spent the rest of the train journey hiding in an empty compartment. I don't what to do
Remus x
Thats fucked up.
James
Yeah, any idea's
Remus
Nope
Remus didn't bother replying after that.
*
Sirius was locked in his room again. His mother had asked Regulus if he was "still disgracing the family by hanging round with mud bloods" his brother had ofcourse answered "He told me that we're not supposed to call them Mudbloods".
The last thing Sirius wanted was to be left alone with his thoughts. Thoguhts of Remus. Why did he have to kiss him? Why did he stat making excuses for it? Why did Remus tell him he loved him!? He spent 3 days pounding his head against wall. Not sleeping at all, playing the kiss over and over again in his mind, remebering how Remus looked in that light, over and over agin for 72 hours. And evertime Sirius played that moment back it seemed to tear a hole in him, they made his stomach spin. He felt his hands begin to shake as he dug through his trunk for parchment and his quill he quickly scrawled on it.
No! He wasn't going to let it affect him, even if he felt something like that for Remus, he couldn't risk his friendship trying to pursue it.
Remus, I'm sorry about everything, I shouldn't have kissed you. I suppose I just wanted to try it – but it's really just not on kissing your friends, even if they are gay. Sorry for scaring you!
Sirius
Sirius read his letter back. Perfect.
If only Sirius had an owl in his room.
*
He heard an owl tapping at his window
Sirius!
What the fuck do you think you're doing kissing Rem. You twat!
James
James, I'm stealing your owl to apologise to him. You won't get this letter or your owl for a few days.
Sirius
*
Remus was boiling the kettle in his small, too clean kitchen. His mother appeared in the room, fully dressed, apart from little pink slippers, in spite of it being 9 in the morning. Remus could only ever hear her footsteps when she wore her little pink slippers, which made a soft padding sound. His mother was very small, and very delicate, with with long dark curly hair, prematurely streaked with grey, she spoke in her usual tiny quiet voice, Remus could barely hear her over the kettle
"Making tea darling?" she said as she sat down at the kitchen table
"Yes, would you like some Mum?"
"Yes, I would. Such a sweet boy you are. Is it... near the full moon?"
"tomorow night mum"
"oh no. We've had the cellar door sorted – no close calls this time" she smiled slightly
"That's..." He paused to think of the right adjective "safe"
"I cleaned up as well. Got almost all the blood off the walls"
"great, that's just great mum" he said flatly pouring milk into his and his mother's cup before putting a tea bag in his mum's
"that's a bit much milk for me. Remember just to leave the tea bag in for a few seconds" she said, slight smile never leaving her face
"I remeber mum, you like it the colour of old dishwater"
"exactly" she chuckled quietly. Her laugh was not so much a chuckle than it was a light squeek "how are your friends?"
"James is still hounding Lily, Lily still hates him, Peter is still Peter and Sirius is still Sirius"
"Sirius... he's the Black heir, isn't he?"
"Yes mum" the kettle boiled he poured
"Does he know that you're a half blood?"
"Yeah, he decided he didn't care about stuff like that in second year"
"That's nice. I'd like to met all of your friends one day, they all sound like such nice boys and Lily sounds just wonderful."
"They are and she is – do you take sugar still?"
"Sweetner now. Just half a spoonful"
"I don't know how you can drink this mum. It looks disgusting"
"Don't knock it until you've tried it dear"
"I have tried it. I had to drink these everday till Dad interveened and started making me proper tea. Where is dad anyway?"
"He went to work early"
"Oh. I've been home for 4 days and I haven't seen him properly yet" he walked over to the kitchen tble and placed their mugs down. He pulled out the chair opposite his mother
"I know darling, but a lot of the general post owls just got ill. It's a bit of an epademic apparently. They need as much help as possible" she sipped carefully at her tea "You'll see him tonight, I told him not to be too late"
"Okay" Remus said sadly, pushing his hair back. He needed a hair cut, his fringe was begging to get in his eyes. He stared down into his tea, which was a nice light brown colour.
"you need a hair cut, sweet heart"
"I'll do it later" he countinued to stare into the tea
"I've missed you" she said tiny smile widening a bit "You look so grown up now. So tall. Your dad thinks you look like me" his eyes flicked up from his tea. This was true she did have his stupidly big eyes though her's were peircing blue, the colour Remus's eyes were before he was bitten, and a thin nose, she had the same infuriatingly full lips and the same straight white teeth that Remus did. Remus didn't think these features were stupid or infuriating on her, of course, his mother was rather beautiful, but it always annoyed Remus how girly he looked, he had to keep his hair short for fear of being mistaken for a woman. "You're getting your Dad's height though... and you already have his hair" she said, tousling his soft flaxen mop
"Do people ruffle his hair all the time as well?"
"They used to acctually. Then he got too tall and no one could reach it anymore"
"I can't wait" she smiled at him.
"Oh, post!" she padded over to the window to let 2 owls in. A large tawny one, which Remus recognised as James's and a small grey one he didn't recognise at all. "This is Dad" she said brightly untying the letter from the grey owl, she read aloud "Dear Rhea, everything has gone horribly horribly wrong at work – oh dear - even more owls are ill, huge pile up of letters, don't cook dinner for me because I won't be back till late. Tell Remus I'm x" She put the letter down on the table "Sorry Remus"
"It doesn't matter mum. Could you pass me the other letter. It's James's owl"
"Of course dear." She untied the letter from James's owl and sent the grey one away. "I'm going to take my tea upstairs. I've got a report to write for work, worst part of being on the Muggle worthy excuse Commitee you know, the paper work" she sighd as she padded out of the room. Remus opened the letter, to his surprise, the letter was from, not James, but Sirius.
Remus, I'm sorry about everything, I shouldn't have kissed you. I suppose I just wanted to try it – but it's really just not on kissing your friends, even if they are gay. Sorry for scaring you!
Sirius x Ps. I know this is James's owl, I'm locked in my room again, so I'm stealing it
Remus's hands started to shake. He collapsed in his chair. He felt a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. The kiss, had clearly meant nothing to Sirius. It was just an experiment, on which Remus was the subject. He supposed that it wasn't worth ending a friendship over a kiss and an obviously unrequited love. Remus would suffer in silence and get over him.
Sorry for paniking and running off, I over reacted. Next time you want to mess around, don't mess around with me!!!
Remus x
He tied the not to the owl's leg
"Take this back to Sirius please" the owl clucked disaproovingly "Please? He'll send you right back to James" the owl rolled it's eyes and flew out of the room. Remus still had that sinking feeling in his stomach. He paced around the kitchen, Sirius's letter still clutched in his hand.
*
"Sirius?" Called Reg through his bedroom door
"What do you want Reg?"
"Mother's gone out. James's owl came for you this morning, Mother read the note and saw it was from the half blood" Sirius sat up on his bed upon hearing this before irritably correcting Regulus
"His name is Remus"
"sorry, she sent the owl back to James but she threw the note out"
"And your point is..."
"I'm sorry for getting you in trouble. So I picked the note out of the bin" he tried to slide the note under the door "Okay well Mother's put a charm on your door so I can't put anything underneath it"
"Will you read it out?"
"Okay it says: Sorry for paniking and running off, I over reacted. Next time you want to mess around, don't mess around with me!!! then he put a kiss. That's a bit gay"
"Shut up Reg, go away." Snapped Sirius upon the mentioning of the G word
"Sorry Sirius" he said sadly. Pathetic but genuine
"Sorry for shouting Reg. Thanks for getting the note"
"You're welcome... I miss you"
"I miss you to"
"I didn't get to speak to you much this year"
"Thats because you started hanging round with all of those awful Slytherins. They're only hanging round with you because they want a contact with the Blacks"
"But... but they're my friends"
"They're not"
"They are! You shut up Sirius! You've never even spoken to them!"
"for a short while, I bet I was friends with their older brothers and sisters. They only want you for our reputation"
"The do not! I am a Slytherin anyway! What do you expect me to do? Only hang round with people from other houses?" Sirius didn't reply "I've got news for you Sirius, everyone else hates Slytherins! Everyone! I tried to make friends with other people but as soon as they saw my tie or I told them which house I was in they were like "err you're a Slytherin, my friends told me to stay away from them!" And the other Slytherins were nice to me. Told me I could eat with them and come along with them! They didn't even know I was a Black, Sirius!" Sirius remained silent, Regulus sounded close to tears "You think you're so high and mighty hanging round with your little mud blood Gryffindor friends don't you? You can... you can just fuck off!" Regulus stomped off swearing angrily under his breath.
*
Remus heard the sound of the front door unlocking, he jerked awake. He'd sat up in his too clean living room, waiting for his father to come homebut had fallen asleep almost half an hour ago reading his new favourtie book The Hobbit. He'd have to remember to thank Lily again for getting it for him.
"Dad?" his father jumped
"GAH!.. oh" he chuckled "its just you Remus. Did you wait up for me?"
"Yes, I have't seen you all week"
"I know. I'm sorry, it's just, a lot of the owls have gotten ill, it's been murder at the office... I'm sorry" His father's voice was a deep boom, a heavy contrast to his mothers. He was tall and lean like Remus, though he was considerably taller (Remus being around 5ft 10" and his father being almost 6ft 5") he had the same messy light brown hair as Remus, Physically they were similar, but because Remus had inherited his mother's feminine features, facially,they looked very different. His dad's nose was short, had a bump in the bridge and ended in a button, though he had similar bone structure to Remus, with his hollow cheeks, his jaw was much heavier and stronger; his eyes were a fairly normal size and were a warm brown colour. He smiled a lot, he had thin lips and a wide mouth, which contained a collection of quite crooked yellow teeth.
"It's alright dad. I just wanted to see you"
"Okay"
"I feel like we haven't talked properly in a while"
"Right"
"So, how was your day?"
"Busy"
"How are the owls showing any sign of improvement?"
"nope"
"Ever the conversationalist eh?" his Dad laughed
"well you know me" he said guiltily, "Strong silent type, I suppose" Remus rolled his eyes
"If you aren't going to talk properly at least ask me some questions. So I can talk at you and feel like we've had at least some proper contact with eachother" his father nodded in agreement
"How are you?"
"I'm great"
"great, how are your friends?"
"Things are a bit weird at the moment"
"Why are things weird?" His father answered, desperately trying to keep Remus happy by continuing the conversation
"Long story"
"Okay then... full moon soon eh?"
"yes Dad" he wondered why both his parents felt the need to bring the moon up evertime he saw them "tomorow night acctually"
"Oh, shame. We've had the cellar door..."
"Reinforced, mum told me. She cleaned as well" Remus smirked
"Bless her" his Dad laughed "I'm going to bed now Rem, g'night" he smiled affectionately and went upstairs. Remus quickly followed and went up to his room. His room was a haven for him, though his mother's obbsessive cleaning had rubbed off on Remus slightly, since Hogwarts he couldn't stand rooms that didn't looked lived in and each room in his house was cleaned with clinical precision, so all evidence of anyone living in them had been removed. Atleast Remus's desk was spotted with ink and his floor had one or two items of clothing thrown upon it. Remus had lived in this house all his life and, at age 4, was allowed to pick how he would decorate his room. Being the boring little boy he was, he had gone for a simple powder blue, which was the same colour as the living room. His mother, who was an avid painter, had turned his ceiling into a stunning night sky. Because she used magical paint the stars acctually twinkled and occasionally, he would even see a metor shower. Over his bed, there had been a huge full moon but that was promptly painted over when Remus had been bitten at 6. He did prefer his room at Hogwarts. It was much more lively and more comfortable. His Navy blue carpet had been worn down from over hoovering and his bed here was too hard, he had a starry duvet cover to match his ceiling.
He awoke early the next morning to find his father with a piece of parchment clutched in his hand
"Morning Dad" said Remus brightly, smiling. His father was pale and shocked looking, he scrunched up the parchment and threw it at Remus
"I found this under the table" he snarled, teeth clenched. Remus opened the scrunched up parchment. It was the letter Sirius sent him. He blushed He must have dropped it and forgotten to pick it up in his disillusionment
"Oh... it's... it's"
"It's exactly what I think it is. It's bad enough that you're a werewolf. But now you're bent as well"
"I would have told you..."
"It's like you are deliberately trying to embarress your mother and I" Remus gawped at him "I'm ashamed to have you as a son" he stamped out of the kitchen into the living room
"Dad for chirst's sake!" said pleadingly Remus running after him
"DO NOT CALL ME DAD" he screamed as he slammed the door behind him. Remus walked back into the kitchen feeling numb. He put the kettle down and sat down at the table. He folded his arms and collapsed into them.
*
Sirius heard a soft knock at the door.
"Sirius... It's me" said Regulus "I'm sorry for swearing at you yesterday"
"Don't apologise Reg – I was acting like a twat. I'm sorry"
"Oh. Alright!" Sirius could hear his smile "er, James sent you a letter. Mother's gone out again, so I'm going to read it for you"
"Thanks Reg. Did you have to rifle through the bin for this one?"
"I had Kreacher do it this time" he cleared his throat and began to read "Thanksfor sending my owl back (I'm being sarcastic by the way – don't steal my fucking owl) I suppose I'm not too pissed off at you considering you apologised to Rem, that was the right thing to do. You're still a bastard for doing what you did, but you're forgiven" and then he signs his name"
"Thanks Reg, can you do me a favour?"
"yes, of course"
"Could you send a letter to James telling him to send his owl straight to my bedroom window like he did the first time he sent me a letter. Then send a letter to Remus and Peter Pettigrew asking them to do the same"
"Okey dokey Sirius. I'll see if I can get mother to feed you today as well"
"You're by far my favourite person right now"
"I'd better be" they both giggled
*
"You alright down there sweet heart?" said Remus's mum gently, unsuccesfully trying to to hide the tears in her voice as she went up the steps of the cellar.
"I'll be fine mum, I've done this about a hundred times, dont be upset"
"I can't help it, it must be so-" she whimpered.
"Just close the door, it can't be too long before sun down now"
"Okay dear" she sniffed and began to pull at the massive cellar door, "could you give me a hand with this. Since we got it reinforced, it's extremely heavy. I can't really manage it"
"Okay" Remus plodded up the stairs and pushed it shut for her.
"I love you" she said just before the door was fully closed
"I love you too" Remus gave the door a final shove and blocked her and any light out. The cellar, which had once reeked of blood and sweat now smelt likeMagical Cleaning fluids. It was too dark to see and his mum had removed the only light from the room, for fear he would smash it and cut himself unnesecarily. He felt the stone walls. They were grooved and had large chunks missing from them, the floor was the same. He always wondred what he could have possibly done to do this much damage, as he only rarely remembered what happened during his transformations. He lay on the floor for a while, wondering how long till the moon came up. Then he felt it's pull. It wrenched him upward from where he lay, it seemed to pull his bones, pull them up through his skin, pull each and everyone as hard as it could till they broke, every single one at the same time, producing the most hideous noise.
He screamed with indescribable pain – then he blacked out.
