The full moon came the next night and the wolf was completely merciless. It ignored, almost completely, the stag and the dog which were there to control it, and seemed to want to do nothing more than slam into walls, bite itself and claw through it's own flesh. As many attempts as James Sirius made the prevent this viscious unpitying beast from huting itself, it was useless, the wolf had no desire to attack them and was completely focussed on itself. As shocking as all the violent, self damaging escape attempts they'de seen the wolf make over the last year were, they were nothing compared to what they had seen that night, they'de never seen the wolf attack itself. Attack Remus.
Sirius had hoped, desperately, that after the other night, he might be feeling better. The wolf's performance had cruelly quashed his optimism.
As soon as the sun came up and Remus transformed back, he lay on the floor, shivering in a ball, in a pool of his own blood. The pale skin on his bare chest jaggedly shredded, blood cascaded down him in congealed crimson ribbons, his arms covered in angry bite wounds and bruises, his legs with cuts, scapes and claw marks. His face also harboured more than a few gashes and wounds. He had also snapped his left femur clean in two, Sirius knew this because it had broken through Remus's pallid thigh and was sickly on display. Remus, in his unconcious state, began to twitch and shake. Peter let out a cowardly whimper
"Go back up to the dorm, Peter" commanded James. Peter, didn't budge, he stared at the ashen, blood soaked Remus and let out another whine "Go!" James ordered. Peter scampered out and down the tunnel, still whimpering. Sirius took Remus's cloak from his neatly folded pile of clothes and wrapped it round him.
"We'll hurt him even more if we try to carry him" said Sirius hopelessly "I couldn't conjure a stretcher to save my life"
"I'll... I'll give it a go..." James pulled his wand and searched his mind for the incantation. With a relieved sigh, he remembered and muttered it with a long swishing motion. The stretcher he produced was a little flimsy looking but it would do. They gently moved Remus onto it, him still twitching and shivering.
"Locomoter stretcher" said Sirius, it began to hover. Sirius tucked the cloak tighter around Remus and then trotted across the room to scoop up the pile of clothes, which he lay carefully on the stretcher, as Remus, being curled up in a small shaky ball, was not taking up much room. Sirius picked up Remus's shoes and they made there way steadily into the tunnel, where they began to jog, the stretcher just ahead of them.
"How do we explain why we're here to Madam Pomfrey" asked James breathily
"We tell her what I thought of six months ago" tutted Sirius
"What?"
"Well, the first moon we spent with him, I brought him up to the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey asked why I was with him. I told her that Remus told me where her went to transform a few days ago, and that I'd decided to check on him that morning, then I brought him up. She thanked me and I told her I'd be happy to bring him in, in the mornings after transformations and she told me to go ahead and do it"
"Aah, well done Padfoot" smiled James "We'de better speed up"
"You're right... he'd lost a lot of blood, hasn't he" They broke into a run
"More than we've ever seen him bleed before. He really went for himself tonight" Sirius felt a lump rise in his throat "I thought he might've been feeling better as well"
*
"Good morning boys" said Madam Pomfrey brightly as they burst throught the Hospital Wing doors "I see you've conjured a stretcher, that's quite impressive magic you know" she strolled over to them and pulled the cloak back and, before taking Remus's torn and shredded form in properly, conjured a hospital gown onto him "Oh my Goodness" she said urgently
"He... he must've attacked himself really badly last night" Sirius said as she moved Remus from his stretcher to a bed
"I'm going to have to ask you two to leave for the time being."
"Why!? I want to stay" whined Sirius
"I'm sorry, you'll just get in the way..." She began to usher them out. As they left, she hastily said "Thank Merlin you were there to bring him in... Lord knows how much blood he's lost" she muttered as she shut the doors behind James and Sirius.
"Are you coming back to the dorms?" asked James
"No"
"Sirius... she's not going to let you in"
"I know... I just..."
"C'mon Padfoot, come back to the dorms, you've been up all night. We both have. Remus won't apprciate you making a fuss, you know for a fact he won't"
"I'm not fussing! I... Oh for fucks sake, you're right" They began to trudge wearily back to Gryffindor tower. James pursed his lips and sighed.
"What?" asked Sirius
"Oh nothing... it's just... you really like him, don't you?"
"Moony? Well... Yeah"
"Do you... do you love him?" asked James coolly
"Er... yes. Yeah I do"
"You won't hurt him, will you?"
"No James... I won't... I wouldn't dare" answered Sirius as sincerely as possible, staring earnestly into the concerned hazel of James's eyes
"Good. 'cos if you do, I'll break your legs" they both chuckled tiredly, James suddenly deadpanned "I'm not joking mate, I acctually will"
*
Sirius slept well. He always slept well, sleep was high on a list of many things Sirius could manage with little effort. Though his dreams were filled with images of a broken, bloody Remus, he was too exhausted to wake up; that is, till James shook him awake at eight o'clock
"Sirius wake up!"
"I'm awake you bastard, get your hands off me" Sirius rolled away from James
"Hurry up and get dressed"
"I am dressed... I slept in my clothes"
"Good thinking! Well, get up and we can see if Madam Pomfrey's sorted Moony out" said James, with that Sirius hopped out of bed
"Well, what are we waiting for?"
"Wormtail... he's taking a year to tie his shoes again" James smirked and nodded his head at Peter, who has his tongue poking out with effort as he evened out the loops on his shoes
"Oh fucking hell" snarled Sirius, picking up his wand and aiming it at Peter's shoes, his laces tied themselves
"Oh... thanks Sirius"
"Let's go!" he snapped, storming out of the room
*
"Absaloutly not" she said, attempting to close the door, which Sirius was blocking with his foot
"Please! Please just let us see him!" begged Sirius
"No. I'm very busy healing him" she held up her bloodied hands and went to shut the door with such strenghth that Sirius reflexively yanked his foot back. James sighed angrily.
"We'll check in at lunch"
"Brilliant" Sirius said sarcastically, he tossed his arms in the air and growled as he stomped off to breakfast. James and Peter exchaning a glance before they followed him
*
"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" Remus cursed as he woke. His arms were on fire, his chest positvely seered, there was a deep throb running through his left leg and, as per usual after a full moon, he ached everywhere. The flow of the stream of swears emmitting from his mouth stemmed when Poppy Pomfrey entered the room.
"You're awake Remus" she said with a sigh of relief, as she helped him sit up. Remus looked down at his chest and arms, he was heavily bandaged and these were spotted with blood.
"I wish I wasn't" he groaned. With that, she pushed a bottle of potion upto his mouth, he drank
"That should help with the pain a bit"
"How long does it take to work?" he asked deperately
"Not long" she said lovingly
"What happened to me Poppy? Why do I need bandages? Can't you just heal me?"
"You attacked yourself-"
"What?" he interupted. He hadn't attacked himself in a very long time, since he'd gotten to Hogwarts he'd taken to attacking everything in the shrieking shack and throwing himself up against walls; and, of course, of late, attacking James and Sirius.
"You attacked yourself. You've bite wounds all over your ams and a lot of very deep claw marks on your chest... a few on your face as well. You need bandages because werewolf bites and the like, self inflicted or not, are a damn sight more difficult to heal than your normal injuries" Remus snorted, "normal"
"Do I have to stay here?" he asked, he moved just a little and sent a tremor of pain through his entier body, shocked, he inhaled sharply and wished he hadn't asked
"I don't want you back in school Remus. I want you to take more blood replenishing potion... Your left femur was openly fractured and the muscle around it was torn, I want you to rest it"
"Poppy, can you knock me out... please?" he begged, sure he was about to pass out with that mental image on top of his excruciating pain. She frowned at him and sighed
"Are you really in that much pain?" she asked. He nodded furiously, then groaned at the pain he'd caused himself by doing so. Poppy's face suddenly became much softer, she trotted to her potions cabinet and pulled out a powerful sleeping potion. "A dose of this should knock you out for three hours... I'll work on your cuts a bit more while you sleep"
"Thank you Poppy"
"These will deffinately scar Remus... I'm sorry"
"Poppy I really couldn't care less right now, give me the potion" he snapped, feeling guilty, but not enough to apologise.
"There's no need to be rude" she warned as she administered the dose of potion she had just measured. Remus soon felt his awareness of his pain slipping away, though it was still deffinately there, he slipped into a peaceful slumber.
*
"Can we see him now?" beseeched Sirius, attempting to use Remus-esq puppy dog eyes.
"Oh fine" Huffed Madam Pomfrey "I'm warning you though, he hasn't been awake long, he's in a lot of pain and... well honestly, he's a bit grumpy"
"That's nothing new, he's always in a bit of a bad mood after the full moon" Said Sirius casually as he sauntered into the room, James and Peter following him. Madam Pomfrey opened her mouth to speak, but decided against it and retreated to her office. Sirius strolled up to Remus's bed, he was scowling, very heavily bandaged and hugging a pillow. Sirius was a bit taken a back by Remus's face, which was now scarred. Before, he'd had a few very faint, well healed ones on his cheeks but now, he was sporting a very poorly healed gash that ran from his right eye brow to the left side of his forehead, where it disapeared into his hair. There was one, better healed than the one on his forehead, that ran down the side of his nose and two very nasty looking ones running down his cheeks. Not entirely knowing what to make of Remus, Sirius smiled compassionately and spoke softly,
"How you doing Moony?"
"Shit" he snarled abruptly "Complete shit. Worst fucking week of my whole fucking miserable life. Even worse than the week I got bitten by the werewolf" Sirius glanced over to James and Peter, as if they might know what to say. Remus continued to grumble, sounding bitter "I attacked myself, properly attacked myself. I haven't done that since I was ten. I must've looked like such a prick, standing gnawing at my arms and clawing at myself. I'll have new scars from this because that's EXACTLY..." The other Marauders jumped back in fright from Remus's sudden shout "... what I need right now, isn't it? More scars. My body looks bad enough as it is and now my face, as if it wasn't bad already-"
"- I love your face and your body Moony. Scars and all" said Sirius with a wink and a smile. Remus gave an acidic and joyless laugh. James and Peter both looked shocked and backed away fom Remus's bed, looking as if it might be time for them to make a hasty exit. Remus stopped laughing and looked down at his bandaged torso, heaving a sigh.
"You must be stupider than I thought" he said sadly, that bitterness still clinging to his voice "Either that, or you need your eyes checking"
"Stop it Rem. I'll have no more of this self... hating...ness"
"I'll self hate all I want... after all, that's why I've done this to myself" he huffed, Sirius gave him a questioning look, James blureted out
"What's that suipposed to mean Rem?"
He suddenly became very sad looking and screwed his eyes tightly shut. Sirius thought he might be about to cry again, until he began to speak, his voice clear and steady.
"I think I might go back home for a bit"
"What?! Why?" asked Sirius desperately
"My mum... I think I attacked myself because I feel guilty for leaving her" his voice dropped, eyes still shut tight "I... I can't go back though" he exhaled sharply "I can't stand her being sad... I can't stand being away from her" he suddenly gave a frustrated growl that made Sirius, Peter and James all jump back a pace. He burried his head into the pillow he was hugging and continued growling. He then said in a muffled shout "Leave me alone please... you three just go... I'm sorry... just go"
*
"Grumpy my arse! He was like... unstable!" said James, jaw disenaged in shock as they sat down in the Great Hall for lunch.
"He's not unstable! He's just having a shit time at the moment, that's all" said Sirius, nervously gnawing at his fingers "Do you think he will go home?" James and Peter shrugged.
"It didn't sound like he wanted to" said Peter quietly
"But he feels like he has to... for his mum" Said James worriedly "Maybe it's the best thing he can do. If guilt's what's making him attack himself" Sirius blurted in reply
"But he can't be around her right now! He feels just as bad as she does and... What if she makes him worse?"
*
Remus was let out of the hospital wing late that evening, not really wanting to see anyone, he walked as quickly as he possibly could, with his now bad leg and took a route which he was sure he would encounter the least people. He went via the library, and it was when he bumped into a smiling Lily Evans, a Snape with a dreamy smile (that never lost it's sneering look) and an Alice who had her head burried in a Herbology text book.
"Oh hello Remus" said sadly "Is your mum any better?"
"No... no she's really sad and she's still sick... it's not looking good for her" he lied, deliberately standing out of the light, trying to keep his scarred face covered, not having thought of an excuse yet.
"You poor thing" she said sadly, pulling Remus's achiching broken body into a tight hug and into the light "It's not fair that you-" she was interupted by a scowling Snape
"What the hell happened to your face Lupin?" he asked coldy
"What... I..." Remus couldn't think of what to say, Lily let go of him and Alice looked up from her book. Both girls gasped at his newly mutilated face
"What happened Remus?" asked Lily, her emerald green eyes wide with fear and concern
"I... when I was visiting my mum I... I got in... in an accident"
"What do you mean?" asked Alice, her voice full of worry
"Like a car accident?" asked Lily
"Yeah! A car accident" a story suddenly formed itself in Remus's head "I was taking my mum back from St. Mungo's... she'd been for a check up. We had to get a cab because she's too weak to apparte. I was in the front and I didn't have my seat belt on. I hit my head on the dash board and I got cut with some glass from the... big window thingy"
"Why would you be taking a cab back home? St. Mungo's is in London, I heard you live in Yorkshire" Said Snape, his face twisting suspiciously
"I do. My mum's staying with my aunt in London"
"Why didn't you just floo to your aunts house?" he interrogated
"She lives in a flat, doesn't have a fireplace"
"Severus! It doesn't matter what happened!" Snapped Lily "You are so insensitive sometimes!" she scowled at the hook nosed boy, who shrank back, shooting a dark look at Remus. Lily's face softened again as she looked back at Remus, giving an apologetic smile
"Was your mum okay?" asked Alice, closing her book and raising a hand over her mouth
"Yeah, she was in the back seat, and she had a seat belt on. Got a bad shock though"
"Are you okay? Is it just your face?" asked Lily, she ran her finger across a scar on his cheek. He couldn't help but notice Snape was glaring enviously at him. Remus decided he might as well kill a few birds with one stone.
"My chest is pretty much shredded and I got an open fracture on my femur" Lily and Alice's faces twisted with disgust
"That's awful Remus" said Alice sadly
"I thought you were limping" said Lily "You must want to go to bed. You've had a bad week haven't you Remus?"
"Yeah" he said dejectedly. "Worst week of my life" Lily and Alice both went
"Awww" very sadly. Both their eyes filled with tears, Snape, still glaring behind them, distinctly mouthed I'm watching you Lupin, Remus gave half a wave and carried on limping to Gryffindor tower.
Over the next month Remus approached Dumbledore's office four times, trunk packed ready to go and visit his mother. But everytime he reached the Gargoyle gaurding the office, he turned his tail and ran (not easy with his leg, which was still very stiff), images of his drunken, crying mother flooding back to him, along with that awful cramping in his stomach.
Even by June, after another bad full moon, though not half as bad as the last, Remus still couldn't work up the courage to visit his mother. He was twice as miserable as he had been and felt twice as guilty. He'd barely even written to the poor woman, convincing himself she'd have too much paper work to read a letter or reply to him anyway.
On top of his mother based guilt, he had Sirius based guilt making him miserable. He'd barely been able to let Sirius touch him since he'd gotten out of the hospital wing after the May moon, and he could see the badly disguised frustration and anger on his face everytime Remus turned him down. He'd barely spoken to him, James or Peter.
He hadn't been able to catch Fisher to talk to him either. Everytime he'd seen Remus coming, he glowed red and made a futile attempt to run away or hide. He was so desperate to avoid Remus, he'd even ducked behind a Slytherin seventh year when Remus tried to approach him in the library and earned himself a punch in the face. When Remus made a desperate attempt to speak to him on the train, he almost knocked himself out trying to run into a compartment and failing to notcie the door was closed.
Remus spent the rest of the train journey chewing his lip and worrying about the state his mum would be in when he got home.
A very sycophantic A/N: Thanks for reading! Of late, I have been ignoring my awesome-ass reviewers! I'm going to try and get back to you more often, but for now – feel the love! In chronological order of first review, long over dues shout outs going to:
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Moony's Daughter and...
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All of you, absolute legends! Seriously wouldn't have made it anywhere near this far without any of you! Especially a few of my more devoted reviewers, who've reviewed virtually every chapter they've read. You know who you are :D Keep reading and keep reviewing... the button's right there... all you have to do is push it and tell me how awesome I am :P
My Love and gratitude, Pandapens x
