There was a soft knock at the dormitory door
"Sirius, are you here?" asked Remus nervously. Sirius said nothing. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now, least of all Remus.
"I think you might be... your hangings are drawn and... well, my light is on behind you any so I can see your silhouette" Sirius cursed the laws of physics under his breath, damn silhouette causing lights
"I'm assuming you don't want to see me" continued Remus "but I want you to know, I only said what I said to –to – to upset you... because you upset me and you weren't giving a reaction and that's all I wanted you to give me....I wouldn't touch Fisher, you know I-"
"Fucking liar!" shouted Sirius, outraged that Remus would tell such a blatant lie to his face... his hangings rather... but that wasn't the point!
"What do you mean?" asked Remus, he was clearly trying to sound confused but his voice was riddled with guilt and anxiety
"If a veela came dancing up to me, naked as the day she was born, I wouldn't even look at her, not if I knew it would upset you" said Sirius in a mock, sing song version of Fisher's annoying, deep, posh-as-his-mum's-best-dress-robes voice (which wasn't all that different from Sirius's if he was being honest)
"Where did you..."
"I followed you to apologise for what I said. I saw it Remus" Sirius snarled
"Sorry" he mumbled. Sirius heard his feet shuffle, he heard him walk to this bed
"Yeah. Yeah you are" Sirius spat. Remus frowned and folded his arms.
"... It was your fault!" he spat back venomously
"Excuse me?"
"It was your fault I didn't push him off me right away"
"What?"
"You didn't care, you said you did care, you said you didn't care... he said he did"
"You should have know I didn't mean it"
"Do I look like a fucking mind reader Sirius!? What the fuck! You should have known!? How should I have known!? I'm... I..." Remus sighed "Pathetic" Sirius scowled and ripped his hangings open
"You blamed me! I blamed you back! It's not just me who's pathetic alright!"
"Fine... fine... but you have no right to be angry with me!"
"You have no right to be angry with me! We both fucked up. It's done"
"Fine"
They said nothing for a while. Remus sat down on his bed without breaking eye contact with Sirius. They sat and stared, glaring in a furious silence which hung in the air like some ugly banner with "UNCOMFORTABLE!!!" emblazed upon it. Remus groaned and dropped his head into his hands, Sirius massaged his temples and furrowed his brow
"Remus... we've fucked up, haven't we" he huffed
"indeed we have Sirius" Remus sighed in reply
"It's my fault. And it's yours. And everything is fucked up now" Sirius moaned despondently. Remus's head snapped up from his hands
"... it doesn't have to be... does it?" he said sadly. Sirius looked at Remus, his eyes in full puppy dog mode, rage bubbled up inside him
"You cheated Remus!" the memory of what he had seen made his chest ache. Hollow and painful and sickly.
"You said you didn't care!" Remus whined, his arms flailing pathetically in the air. And the hollow feeling is his chest sent another excruciating pang through him.
"Yeah well... maybe I don't anymore" he said defiantly. As if trying to convince that chest pain. Tricking it into going away
"Don't be petulant" snapped Remus
"I'll be as petulant as I want!" Sirius snapped back "You. Just. Cheated. on me!" he emphasised every furious spat out word
"And as soon as I realised what I was doing I ran down here to apologise!" growled Remus, now equally angry.
"This all fucked up now! It's all fucked up" bleated Sirius through gritted teeth
"I know Sirius. And pointing it out isn't going to help!" yelled Remus his anger clearly growing by the minute and his voice hopping up an octave or two in frustration
"But it is fucked up!" declared Sirius again, the most insolent look he could muster on his face. Enjoying shade of pink Remus was slowly turning.
"I know!!! This is getting us no where!" Remus took a deep breath and looked Sirius in the eye. He sighed and relaxed his voice, so it was deep and calm again
"... Sirius" he began steadily"... we both messed up... can't we just" he sighed and scrubbed at his hair "... forgive and forget?"
"I dunno" Sirius scowled and shook his head "... points out a lot of... problems we have in this thing we have" he spat his words again, even more angrily than before
"Our relationship, you mean?" suggested Remus, simultaneously peeved and miserable sounding
"No..." The rage boiled over inside Sirius again. The ache is his chest panging again and he had to hurt Remus. Make him hurt like Sirius did now "sometimes it doesn't feel like a relationship to me..."
"But you..." Remus swallowed, his eyes fell to the floor "you've said you loved me... and I've said it back" his voice was thick and his eyes refused to meet Sirius's, Sirius's chest ached again
"But I'm beginning to question whether I meant it or not now"
"... I'm not... Sirius... do you actually mean this or - or are you just angry... because that's... that's the sort of thing you can't take back once you've said it"
"I don't think I want to take it back Remus. I think it might be true. And I don't think you love me either. You wouldn't be jealous and... you'd trust me"
"I'd trust you with my life!" shrieked Remus
"But you wouldn't trust me with a girl" Sirius yelled back, slamming his fist on his bed post
"I don't not trust you Sirius!" he said desperately "I just get jealous" it was whined so morosely and pathetically that the rage in Sirius exploded from his mouth in a blaze of malice and pain. All that mattered was making Remus hurt like he had when he saw him and fucking Fisher snogging and every time he had to remember.
"I don't love you. I'm 15 I don't even know what love really is. I don't love you. And now I don't even trust you"
"I don't understand Sirius" said Remus thickly, clearing his throat and clearly concentrating hard on his voice staying even
"What's so confusing about it. Don't love you, never have. Now piss off" said Sirius flatly and coldly, as if he was bored by Remus. Him and everything about him. What had happened. Remus scowled and walked away as if he was about to leave, he had his hand grasped firmly around the door handle. All of a sudden his hand fell slack by his side then balled into a fist. In a flash Sirius felt a numbing pain in his nose that spread down to his jaw and made his teeth tingle and ache. He hit the ground. His head spun and he tasted blood. He heard an infuriated growl. His words sounded distant and fuzzy. Sirius wondered if he'd hit his head when he fell.
"Sometimes you just make me so... grrrr... too fucking close to full moon for me to deal with you, you stroppy fucking shit" Remus banged his fists on the wall again and again and again "Know exactly what to fucking say to get me so wound up don't you? "Don't love you, never have" prat. Insensitive fucking prat" he smacked his fists against the wall again "What the fuck... "Don't love you, never have" you say it like it's one of your garden variety wind ups Sirius! But it's not! It's fucking not! It's like you don't even have any idea h-h-how m-much that could hurt a person" This time he tugged on his hair and gave the wall a kick "Hurt me, Sirius. How much it could hurt me" He flopped down onto his bed face first, his hands still twisted painfully in his hair, he inhaled and exhaled too sharply and quickly. Sirius sniffed and dragged a hand across his nostrils, a long trail of blood was left up his arm.
"Moony... I'm... really really sorry"
"Fuck you!" Remus's words were muffled by the bed, he took another sharp tug at his hair
"Remus..." Sirius sniffed and wiped at the blood again. He stood up, his head spinning as he did, and walked over to Remus. He placed his blood streaked hand on Remus's shoulder, which he quickly shrugged away. He tried both hands on both shoulders, then just his right hand. Remus growled (he was always particularly growly when he got angry)
"Get. The fuck. Off of me"
"I'm sorry Remus... I'm so so sorry" Sirius said. Remus gave another sharp tug at his hair. Sirius took hold of Remus's thin wrists and attempted to dislodge his boyfriends frustrated hands from his abused flaxen mop. Remus said nothing. He let out a long shuddering breath.
"C'mon Moony. Calm down. Speak to me... forgive me?" Sirius begged. Remus raised his head off the bed, his eyes were screwed up shut and his face had dissolved into that awful wolfish glower Sirius despised.
"You just don't say things like that to people Sirius" he hissed, looking like he was trying to suppress the urge to give Sirius another smack. Sirius busied himself with untangling Remus's hands before solemnly agreeing.
"I know"
"Not to people who love you" he hissed again, his voice thicker with less of a growl
"I'm sorry"
"Especially people who love you like I do" the growl almost fully gone, the eyes unscrewed, huge, miserable and shining with hurt and anger... resentment? Sirius swallowed
"I didn't mean that. I didn't... Merlin knows you know I didn't... forgive me... please?" Remus sighed and released his hair
"Only if you'll grant me the same courtesy... Sorry I kissed Fisher... and sorry I broke your nose"
"No problem... I don't think it's broken anyway... sorry I made out like I didn't care what you did either and sorry I keep flirting with girls... I'll stop, I won't even look at them, I-"
"I don't care about the occasional wink Sirius... it's when you let them fawn over you and when you fawn back that gets to me"
"Sorry"
"I've had enough of sorry for one evening Padfoot"
"Me too" Sirius smiled. Uncaring that blood was now pouring all down his shirt and onto Remus's bed. Remus smiled back.
"Come here, you big stupid fucking mutt" He pulled Sirius close for a damp, bloodied hug.
"Oi... I'll mutt you, you stinking bloody werewolf"
"Get fucked Sirius"
"I love you too Moony"
*
Gabriel Fisher stared out over the grounds for a moment. He let his tongue drift across his lips as he picked up the last of Remus's saliva. Which tasted mostly like his last meal (something with butter... probably the mashed potato), and ink from his quill and, for some reason unbeknown to him, it had the faintest aftertaste of wet dog. He obliterated that after taste from his memory, wanting to remember the moment as perfectly as possible. As perfectly as he'd thought it might have gone were it not for that fucking Black and Remus being so hopelessly loyal to the nasty shit.
But, Gabriel supposed, he might not like Remus as much if he weren't so loyal. So good. So... Remussy. He chuckled to himself and let his fingers trace across his lips.
"Best kiss I'll ever fucking have" he thought aloud. He wanted Remus to know that, he might have still been nearby. Though Gabriel knew he wouldn't be within earshot.
When he'd first gotten that fucking prefect rotation he was sure, he was so fucking sure, they'd been thrown together for a reason. Destiny. Fate. Tonight had been the night.
Gabriel wondered if he should have brought fireworks or candles or something... something fucking stupid to show how desperate and pathetic he was. He sighed and pushed his glasses up his nose before returning to Ravenclaw tower. He smiled when he remembered that he'd managed to smuggle Katrina in before he left. She was in Gryffindor but Gabriel had always had an unspoken suspicion she would have been far happier in Ravenclaw, with him. They'd never been close until they started being tutored together and now they were close to being best friends. Hell, they were. And she had grown so much more confident of late, he hardly ever heard her stammer. He frequently speculated on whether this had something to do with the fact that, since her acne had cleared and she started washing fucking hair more than once a week, people had begun to notice just how beautiful she was. Gabriel had always thought she was beautiful. Even way back when she was fat, he thought she had a very pretty face.
He sighed. It was the first night in weeks he'd managed to drag her away from Useless Fucker of the Month. And at some point, Useless Fucker of the Month would split up with his poor Trini because she wouldn't do whatever to Useless Fucker of the Month's cock. And Gabriel would be left to hold her. Pick up the pieces. As a tear tracked down his face, he thought Trini would have to pick up his pieces tonight. A few more tears spilled as he walked. A few... a few dozen.
He dabbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He came to the old wooden door with its bronze Eagle knocker. The eagle opened its mouth and asked
"What is the sound of one hand... are you alright kid?"
"I'm shite. Ask the fucking question"
"Alright! What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
"Fuck me, why do these always have to be so awkward" he sighed and pushed at his glasses. He smirked and raised his right hand, moving his fingers up and down so they hit his palm
"Haha, very funny" tutted the eagle
"Wit beyond measure is mans greatest treasure" the eagle rolled it's bronze eyes and the old door swung open. Gabriel stepped in to find Katrina sitting on his favourite armchair, her knees tucked under her chin.
"It didn't g-go well then?" she asked. Gabriel shook his head, fighting to stop his lip from shaking. Trini smiled sadly. "My poor Angel" she mumbled as she pulled him into a hug. Angel was something that Gabriel's sister, Iris, used to call him to piss him off. He quite liked it coming from Trini's mouth though. "Forget about him" she said "Like you always t-t-tell me. Plenty more fish in the sea... plenty more boys... plenty more girls... it's not like you're low on options" Fisher chuckled and held her closer. He caught the scent of water melon on her hair. Water melon, and absolutely nothing at all resembling the smell or taste of a wet dog. They pulled back. She grinned
"What the fuck are you smiling at" he grinned back
"Your eyes are twinkling" a faint blush spread across her delicate cheeks "I love it when they do that"
"Thanks Trini" he felt himself blush back. "You look lovely tonight" her faint blush deepened. So did his.
"T-t-t-thanks"
"Are you erm... still seeing what's his face?" he asked surreptitiously
"No... I d-dumped him this afternoon... he told me to stop-" she gave a nervous chuckle that Fisher hadn't heard for a while "he told me to stop banging on about you and I..." she tailed off and dropped her eye contact
"You what?"
"I told him to go fuck himself"
"That's my girl, Trini" he smiled to himself "my girl, Trini" he repeated.
"Your girl" she let her eyes meet his again. They stared for a while, at each other. Gabriel, steadily reassessing how he saw his best friend. Wondering why he got himself in such a big fuss about Remus.
*
"Why hello there Evans" said James lasciviously, waggling his eye brows at Lily Evans. He turned to Peter and whispered "Take the map and scram Wormtail" Peter nodded and scurried away.
"Back to the common room Potter before I give you a detention" she said coldly
"Ah yeah, you're patrolling aren't you Evans. Punishing naughty boys and girls who are out of bed"
"I'm warning you Potter" James grinned and fluffed up his hair. Giving it that fresh off the broomstick look the ladies loved.
"I've been very naughty Evans, haven't I?" she cocked her brow "perhaps some sort of spanking is in order?"
"Sod off Potter, I mean it" she said bitterly, her eyes full of intense scorn and hatred
Lily, you're the most beautiful I've ever seen. I love you, and every time you look at me like that, some tiny part of my soul dies a million agonising deaths.
"Don't give me that look babe. You know you'd love to give me a nice hard spanking"
"Detention" she snapped, walking very quickly away from James, who followed
How I long to run my fingers through that stream of silken fire that is your hair. Capture those bottle green emeralds the God's have gifted you with eyes as my own. Capture that strong valiant heart of yours as well.
"You're looking particularly fuckable tonight Evans"
"Another detention Potter!" she said more harshly than the last time, her walk sped up, so did James's
The graceful swing of your hips screams sex, yet remains lady like and elegant all the same. Like some princess educated in the art of making everything you do sexy without being like a common tart. You, Lily Evans, could never be such a girl.
"I'm liking the way you walk Evans. Great arse you've got there"
"Please leave me alone Potter"
"If go out with me"
"I'd rather lick a Flobberworm"
And your rejections... they tear at my poor broken heart like a heard of crazed Hippogriffs. And, alas, in my heartbroken state I am unable to resist an innuendo.
"You could lick my Flobberworm if you want"
"Detention, all week. Now leave me alone"
I can never leave you alone. You always carry my heart with you Lily. I am yours, forever and always. Yours.
"Alright Evans. See you in potions tomorrow! Be sure to think of me the next time you come!"
"In your dreams Potter"
"But of course!"
A/N: Sorry about the wait! I hope that was worth it... maybe worth it enough for a lot of sexy awesome wondersome reviews? Thanks for all that I got last time (20! Wowza!) and I'm so sorry I didn't get back to some of you! Hopefully, it won't happen again!
Do remember to check out my side project, the Simplest Things. It's an AU RL/SB fic and I'd love you to give it a read.
