EPOV
I am a misunderstood genius. Seriously. I mean, who else could have had such a great idea?
Alice is too busy with her little friend Kimmy to care about my future, but this is gonna be freaking awesome!
I grab a bottle of Vodka and slip into the kitchen of the old people's home unnoticed. Once there, I see a freakishly big thermos where they keep the water.
Awesome!
I tear the lid open and pour the bottle inside. You can't even tell the difference, and the water will dilute the flavor and the effect, but I guess the old guys'll probably need lots of water.
This is so cool.
I slip out of the kitchen- this is way too easy- and join my family again. Rose looks at me questioningly, but she can't ask any questions in front of all the old people flirting with her.
"Oh, Jake, do you always drool so much?" She asks, wiping his face. One of the older men turns around and grins.
"Someone is thinking about you naked, girl" He says, winking at my wife. She just smiles sweetly and keeps her cool. I wish I could. I'm insanely jealous.
Sighing, I walk over to a lady that looks halfway civilized.
"Hello, ma'am" Well, no one can say my momma didn't teach me any manners, now, can they? "My name is Emmett Cullen, at your service"
"Well, hey there, handsome" OK, so the woman is obviously not as sane as I thought "Took you long enough to get here. Where are we going?"
Ok, Emmet, think of something fast…
"Well, hon, I was planning on hitting the disco later. How about that?" I drag a chair over and sit in front of her.
"Yehaw! This is great, Dimitri! After all, you're only 23 once in your life" I nod, smiling.
3 hours later, I am planning my funeral. The woman babbles on and on, seemingly unstoppable. Suddenly, I get an idea.
"Hey, Holly, I'm thirsty. Why don't we go get some water?" She grins and nods. I lift her up from her wheelchair and set her in my shoulders. She laughs.
"Giddy up, cowboy! Ahoy, me mate, here we come! To infinity, and beyond!" Everyone stares at us as I run into the kitchen, but no one dares to stop me. I grab a glass of 'water,' fill it, and run back into the main room in a few minutes.
Holly takes the drink I offer her and sips. Slowly, a smile tugs the corners of her lips up.
"More" She whispers, and I realize she's finished it in what has to be record time. "Get me more"
I am back a few seconds after with a tray containing 13 glasses full to the brim. Holly reaches out and I place one in her hand. She puts it to her lips and gives it back. The cycle goes on for hours until Holly is giggling wildly and I have no more glasses to offer her.
"Sailor booy" She sings, her words slurring together. Edward is at my side in seconds, he can afford to abandon the chess game he's losing against a wrinkled old dude for a second.
"What did you do to her?!" He hisses. That boy is no fun!
"Nothing, you big ole party pooper!" I give him my most innocent look and he shakes his head.
"She is drunk, Emmet! Carlisle will kill you"
"Aww, come on! Since when do I care?" My boring brother shakes his head and goes back to his old dude. He's probably not cooler than Holly, though. She rocks!
Rose brings her old chum a glass too and grins at me.
"Here you go, Johnny. I think you'll like this" Johnny takes it and it's the same story all over again.
Not too long after, Alice and Jasper catch on- it's really hard not to when an old woman throws a glass at you. Grinning, they get their old people drunk too.
By now, the asylum is a mess. An old dude named Kirk Starts acting like a chicken, and by now all four of us are having hysterics. Edward is still calmly playing chess.
"Where's my fuck? I need to fuck!" Lucy- Alice's charge- yells, and I collapse into a heap of laughter. So does everyone else. Even Eddie's grinning!
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" The oldies start chanting loudly. One of them makes slurping noises.
"OhmyGod" Rose gasps, giggling. "Oh my freaking God, Emmet, what have we done?"
"We've created a monster!" Jazz shouts dramatically, clutching at his heart.
"The world will be mine! World domination!" Edward's lady appears to have gotten drunk just by looking at her friends, and she staggers to join them. He doesn't stop her.
"Fuck, fuck, fuuuuck!" The chant is getting louder and louder, none of us can stop it…
A bunch of staff members open the door and burst in, attracted by the noise. They stop dead in their tracks, all of them shocked by the sight before them.
"Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck!" The old- I mean, elderly- people never stop.
Everyone- Bella included, she was cooking the whole time- turns around and glares. Slowly, a woman takes out her phone and dials Carlisle's number.
I groan.
"Great! We're in trouble again!"
