My Feelings

"Blackkit, get me a starling from the fresh-kill pile!"

"Blackpaw, get out all those thorns in here!"

"Stop nosing around and start following me, Blackshadow!"

My entire life, had been centered around a littermate. Foxtrot was mom's favorite from the moment she was born. She was quick-witted, smart-mouthed, and made friends easily. I couldn't exactly say the same about myself. My black pelt was thick and lumbering, unlike Foxtrot, who looked quick and fierocious with her white-and-orange combination of fur. She was bossy, too. Told me what to do all the time, and neither mom nor dad did anything to stop it. I thought my whole life was a lie: even when I earned my warrior name, Blackshadow, I knew what it really meant: I was nothing but a shadow of Foxtrot.

I sought revenge. I plotted, stayed up at night in my dried-up nest, thinking. But all it was just fantasy. I didn't really know what I was doing, just played the servant for Foxtrot everyday. I argued with her a couple of times, but I always lose. My parents will always take her side over mine anyways. I began to accept the truth. I will never be as great as her, or come even close to it. I started to despair.

The honest truth really was, however, that I wasn't bold or brave enough to ever confront Foxtrot. Maybe she would have gave me a chance if I at least told her what I was feeling inside. Maybe not. But I knew that I should have tried. Life is full of risks, and sometimes you have to take them.

I didn't know that back then, of course. I thought I was bound for nothing more. Sometimes I didn't eat for a whole day out of depression, and sometimes I would stay up the whole night, wishing to the night stars. They flicker through the clouds along with the bright, crescent moon, and as I sat I could hear the whole clan fast asleep. Aside for me, of course.

Now I am old, as and as an elder, I sometimes wondered what would happen if I just said what I wanted to say. I could do that easily, of course, with Foxtrot also retiring and sharing the same den as me. I could now finally live life how I wanted, but I kept thinking there was something missing. Something big, something you are a part of no matter if you wanted it to be that way or not.

Family.

I had a family, of course. My parents and Foxtrot and my grandparents. But I always felt like there was something missing, but as I now realized, family isn't something you just have. It's part of you, something that comes out of you, like beauty.

And everycat is beautiful in some way.