Hell, it's been way too long since I last updated. Smack my hand for me. Hunt me down with pitchforks and torches. I deserve it all.

Hmmm *goes through e-mails* in regards to the song last chapter... HOLY MUFFIN CAKES! You've done it again, Jessluvsharry. Yes, the song was indeed Saying Sorry by Hawthorne Heights, and I'm impressed that you got that. I wouldn't have.

Also, concerning the mystery character last chapter, I'm afraid you won't know who it is until a few chapters time. Some of you guessed right, some guessed wrong, and there were a few that I wished I had thought of.

Disclaimer: I...

Alice: Don't you dare!

Me: But I didn't even...

Alice: No. I see the future, remember? I know what you were going to say. And I swear if you do...

Me: But...

Alice: Nope.

Me: What if...

Alice: 'Fraid not.

Me: How about...

Alice: Emma...

Me: FINE! I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!

Alice: I'd be happier if we went shopping. *Drags poor unwilling little me with her*

Did She Just Ask What I thought She Asked?

Emmett

"I dunno, Rosie," I started. "You know he'd probably find out before..." Rosalie cut me off.

"Emmett, trust me. Alice said it would work, and it's too good an opportunity to miss. I thought that you were supposed to be the supreme prankster. Please, Emmett? For me?" Her golden eyes grew large, and her bottom lip pushed out slightly in a face that she knew I couldn't resist. I heaved a sigh. I was putty in her manicured hands.

"Fine. Fine," I said shaking my head, exasperated. I would do anything for her, and she knew it. An impish smile spread across her face, and she grasped my hand, tugging me towards the living room. I froze.

"Rosie, now?" I asked, my voice sounding slightly whiny, which was embarrassing. She rolled her eyes at me.

"Yes, Emmett, now. Carlisle, Esme, Edward and Jasper are hunting; it's ideal! You know what they say. No time like the present." With that, she dragged me into the front room where Bella sat, watching Finding Nemo.


"I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine; and he shall be my Squishy," Bella chirped in time with the DVD, her little four-year-old voice high with excitement. I took that as my cue, and rushed into the room, scooping Bella up as I did so. She giggled madly as I swung her around, so fast that she almost got G-force. Rosalie looked on with a disapproving frown on her face. What an actress that woman is.

"Emmett, be careful with your little sister. It's late, and we don't want her so excited that she can't sleep." Rosalie's face was frowning while her eyes laughed.

"Yeah, squirt, it's late. Time for you to go to bed! Me and Rosie were just going to head on up, weren't we, babe?" I asked, my voice full of implications.

"But Emmett, you don't sleep!" Bella cried, her petite face wrinkling in confusion. Little did she know that that was the whole point. Now that I had overcome my initial doubts, I could see how ingenious this plan was. The look on everyone's faces...

"I know, sweetie," hushed Rosalie, her voice calming.

"But that's not the only thing you can do in a bed!" I cried out, winking at Rose. Bella's face scrunched up as she scrutinised the two of us.

"What aren't you telling me?" She asked, her voice accusing us. I hid my grin.

"Nothing, squirt. But hey, don't mention it to anyone else, okay?" I said, my voice the perfect balance of anxious and amused. A natural actor, though I do say so myself. I bit my lip anxiously, and I saw Bella glance between Rosalie and I several times before appearing to make up her mind about something.

"Yes..." I heard Alice hiss from upstairs. Apparently we had played our parts well. There was just one thing left to do...

"Okay, Bellie, I'll put you into bed," at this point I paused, before turning to Rosalie with a suggestive smile on my face. "And then, I'll come back and put you to bed, Rosie," I added winking conspicuously at her. She giggled and I laughed, which only made Bella more confused.

"What's so funny? Emmett? Rose?" She whined, her voice straining to compel us to tell her.

"It's nothing, Bella. Come on, beddy-byes," I said, using one of her favourite sayings. She sighed, burying her face against my shoulder, yawning until her face looked like it would break.

I carried her easily up the stairs; her weight was almost unnoticeable. I swept her into the room, swinging her around and making plane noises before very gently tucking her under the bed-covers. I was reminded on a daily basis exactly how fragile Bella was – I had been told that any damage inflicted upon her would be performed upon me tenfold. Told by my loving wife, no less.

"Okay, Bell, you go to sleep now, alright?" She nodded, and kissed my cheek quickly before turning over and shutting her eyes. Normally, she would be asleep in about ten minutes. Today would be different, if all went according to Alice's plan. Which, of course, it would. When Alice made a plan, she made sure it would work.

I walked out of the room and ran downstairs to where my wife waited for me. We looked at each other and started counting down.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1..." We heard Bella sit up in bed and swing her legs over so that her bare feet softly touched the ground. It seemed that she had forgotten the wonders of vampire hearing. There was a soft rustle as she slid out from under her covers, and she tripped – twice no less – on the way to Alice's room. She knocked softly on the door, and walked in before Alice answered.

"What do you need, Bella?" She asked, her tone kind as she shut the magazine she had been reading. I heard Bella take a deep breath before she walked into the room, stumbling once on the way. She climbed onto the bed, and I heard the soft groan of the springs.

"Alice, what's so funny about beds?" Instantly Alice cracked up. I didn't know if she was acting, or whether she just found it really funny, but either way, she couldn't get a grip on herself. Bella just waited, and I could imagine with perfect clarity the look of confusion and impatience she would be giving Alice right about now.

"Bella honey, you're a bit young to find out about sex just yet." Alice was quiet for a full second before she clapped both hands over her mouth, and I knew that her eyes would be wide with horror.

"Alice!" Bella whined. I laughed as quietly as I could, and Rose was laughing next to me, somehow managing to look composed whilst I was doubled over, non-existent tears streaming down my face.

"Alice, what does 'sex' mean?" She asked, only making me laugh harder. Wow, this would be so awkward when the others came home. But so funny at the same time.

"Um, Bells, I really think it's time you go to sleep." Alice's voice was bordering on hysterical, and I shook my head. Wasn't she taking this acting thing a bit far? Sure, Bella was perceptive, but she was young; she wouldn't know a practical joke if it danced naked in front of her whistling the Great Escape theme tune.

"Okay..." Bella dragged out the word slowly, like she was worried for Alice's sanity. "Night-night, Alice."

"Night-night, Bella," Alice replied. She waited till Bella was safely in bed before running downstairs and doubling over laughing.

"This is gonna be epic," I laughed, while my sister and my wife nodded in agreement. I couldn't wait until the others finished hunting...


Carlisle

We were all returning from a very successful hunting trip. At least two grizzlies each had been caught, and we were feeling particularly full. It was irritating to have to hunt more often, but when Bella's safety was in question, there were no lengths we wouldn't go to. As it was, the only two of us who had any real issues around Bella were Jasper and Edward; Jasper because he was the newest to this lifestyle, and Edward because Bella's blood smelt more appealing to him than to any of the rest of us. As she grew older, the appeal of her blood grew, but we grew desensitized.

Edward and Jasper were bantering back and forth, reciting lyrics from memory and using them on each other.

"You're a bum!"

"You're a punk!"

"You're an old slut on junk!"

"Jasper, I'm a vampire! Drugs probably wouldn't do anything to me." Jasper ignored him.

"You scumbag, you maggot!"

"You're a cheap, lousy faggot!"

"Merry Christmas my arse, I pray God it's our last!"

"Okay Jasper, first off, it's not Christmas. Second, you don't believe in God or praying, and third, we are immortal vampires. It is hardly going to be our last Christmas together!"

"Brother mine, you miss the point. It's the spirit of the song that counts. I hate you and you hate me, but we've known one another for a very long time. Where would we be without each other?" Those two would be the death of me, and when we got home, Emmett would no doubt join the 'fun'.

By the time the house came into view through the dense trees surrounding it, it was 11:00 am, and we could hear Bella moving around inside the house, eating something. I wasn't sure what; I didn't much care for human food.

Edward reached the house first, and the first thing he did when he steeped in the door was to stride over to Bella and pick her up by the waist, spinning her around and kissing her forehead.

"Missed you!" Bella cried, her sweet voice echoing through the room as she hugged Edward as tight as her mortal strength would allow. Edward laughed and held her tighter.

"Missed you too, Bella," he said, smiling at her. We hadn't been in the house five minutes when Alice dragged her partner off to 'welcome him home'. Rosalie dragged Emmett upstairs because... well, because she's Rosalie and he's Emmett. They were always the most physical of my children. Esme curled up on the sofa with a sketchpad, and Edward settled in front of his piano and began to work quickly through some scales. Bella watched her siblings ascend the stairs with a look of confusion that quickly melted into comprehension. That couldn't be good. Edward spun around to face me, his face furrowing worriedly.

"You don't think..." he murmured, glancing at the ceiling from which we could hear distinctive sounds of affection drifting through the plaster.

When it comes to Emmett, I've learnt to always expect the worst. I thought by way of answering. I felt a soft tugging on my trousers and glanced down to see Bella watching me with wide, curious eyes.

"Daddy, can I talk to you?" She asked in her sweetest 'I want something' tone. No matter how bad the consequences, I couldn't resist that voice.

"Of course, Bella. What is it?"

"No, I mean in private." That was worrying. What did Bella have to say that she couldn't voice in front of the rest of the family? It had to bad.

"Alright," I agreed cautiously, leading her outside, scooping her up and carrying her to a spot where we were out of earshot as long as we spoke at a normal volume; if anything happened, we were close enough for the others to hear us yell.

"Right, what was it that you wanted to ask me about?" I asked, my voice sounding surprisingly composed, though my thoughts were nothing more than a jumbled, worried mess.

Bella then asked me one of the few questions every parent dreads hearing.

"Daddy, what does 'sex' mean?"


Edward

Carlisle came back from his talk with Bella looking virtually traumatised. Bella, on the other hand, looked dissatisfied, and I scanned Carlisle's mind for some clue as to what had transpired.

Where on Earth did she hear that? If Emmett has anything to with this... I bet he does, I see his work all over this... That could not be good. Anything that involved Emmett could not be good.

Bella asked Esme the same thing later that day, but I still had no clue as to what it was; Emmett, Jasper and I had been outside playing football; vampire style. As in, we had managed to purchase a ball made of diamond; it was only small, but it didn't shatter or burst when we threw and caught it. So much better and more enduring than a regular football. It also didn't bounce when it hit the floor, which was a shame, but there wasn't much that could be done about that.

Esme came outside, her face an unhealthy shade of grey – really, how was it possible for a vampire to turn such a sickly colour? – and cleared her throat to claim our attention. Bella stood behind her, her little face sheepish.

"Emmett, a word if you please." Esme's voice trembled slightly, and I could hear the nervous thoughts of Alice, Rosalie and Emmett, all thinking the same thing; crap, she found out!

Esme led Emmett inside, half-dragging him, and when they reached the safety of the house, began screaming obscenities at the three offenders. It was strange to hear such words fall from my adoptive mother's lips, but when Bella was concerned, there were no lengths she wasn't willing to go to. I was still clueless as to what was going on here, and the only way I would find out would be if Bella herself told me. I was about to say something, but Jasper beat me to it.

"Bella, what is Mummy so upset about?" We hardly ever called Carlisle and Esme by their names around Bella; they were Mummy and Daddy.

"I don't know! I asked her and Daddy a question, and neither of them would answer!" I didn't like the sound of that, but I had to ask.

"Okay, what's your question?"I asked, knowing that I'd probably regret it. If Esme let me live that long.

"What is 'sex?" She virtually screamed, and I knew that she was frustrated that no one would answer her. Jasper shot me a panicked look, and I didn't need to be able to read minds to know what it meant: What the hell do we say?

"Um, Bella, I think that that is a conversation we'll have to leave for a few years. You won't understand it just yet." Jasper had tried to control her emotions, but she was resisting with everything she had. Her lower lip jutted out stubbornly, and I stifled a groan. I knew what that look meant. It was her I'm not a baby anymore, and you can't treat me like one!

"But..." she started, and I cut her off, rude though that was. We couldn't let her get too inquisitive concerning adult matters.

"Bella, it's nothing important. Just one of those things that you'll learn about when you get older," I said, hoping to placate her somewhat. She nodded thoughtfully.

"You mean like how I'll learn to ride a bike?" I breathed a sigh of relief. This was a slightly safer subject; though only slightly. Bella would no doubt manage to injure herself before she even sat on the damn thing!

"Yeah, something like that," I agreed.

"Okay, Edward," she said, and held out her arms to be picked up. I heard Jasper sigh, and a feeling of relief that was not mine washed over me. He hadn't wanted to explain the gruesome details to her just yet; if at all. That was her parent's job. I pitied Carlisle and Esme.

"Edward, I have another question," Bella started, her innocent eyes boring into my own.

"Okay, go ahead," I said, confident that this question could not be as bad as the last one.

"Where do babies come from?"


Haha, that chapter was so much fun to write! Personally, I loved the ending, but I was laughing the whole time, especially as I never had to have the awkward 'Where do babies come from' talk with my parents. We were taught about it in school by a local nurse when I was ten years old, and that was that. My youthful innocence had been poisoned and polluted. I was never the same...

But, morbidness over, please remember to review. I know that the button is green, but it isn't sick, and you won't catch anything from it. Promise!