Brennan tries to come to terms with what the future may hold… There are spoilers for the last two episodes of season 4 if you haven't already seen them. For many reasons these episodes bugged me and this story wouldn't leave me alone. It's nothing ground breaking, just Brennan's thoughts. I can't bring myself to write beyond that final question… hopefully Hart Hanson and his team come up with something good. Okay, enough of my rambling. Enjoy and review. ~SAM

Waiting out the Test

Booth once told me that sometimes when bad things happen he tries to see them as a test- a test of faith. He believes that these tests can reinforce his religion and serve to make him a better, stronger person. When he first told me this I scoffed at the idea. Things just happen; they are neither predetermined nor controlled by a higher being. Then Booth found out he had a brain tumor and needed surgery… another test of faith.

While watching the doctors carefully extract the mass, I tried to remain calm. These doctors were some of the best in their field, no reason to worry. But worry is exactly what I did. I knew that any surgery involving the brain was dangerous. I knew there were risks involved. But I didn't know Booth would be allergic to the Anesthesia. I didn't know his heart would have to be shocked back to life.

I think waiting for him to wake up was just as bad as watching the chaos in the operating room and not being able to do anything to help. Four days may not seem like a long time, but it is if all you're doing is waiting. I couldn't bring myself to leave. I needed to be there when he woke up. So I stayed. It gave me time to think. I thought about our partnership and how much it evolved. I thought about Parker and my family. I also had time to examine the way I felt about myself, my life, and, most importantly, Booth.

I have known for a few years now that Booth is important to me. I don't break the law or enlist the help of my criminal father for just anyone, but I did for him. He may challenge me and frustrate me, but in the end I think we bring out the best in each other. We complement each other as Sweets once said.

Although I really do hate psychology, I have this feeling, a gut feeling as Booth would say, that my mission to have Booth's baby had very little to do with a baby and everything to do with Booth. It's almost like I needed a piece of him with me all the time. So yes, I care very deeply about him… which is why I actually thought about praying to Booth's God for him. But, ultimately, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know the first thing about God or how to go about communicating with Him. Would it even work since I don't really believe in His existence? I wasn't so sure.

Therefore I did the one thing that I could do in that small hospital room, I wrote. I took all the thoughts swirling in my head regarding relationships, heartbreak, murder, death, mystery, crime fighting, partnerships, love, and so on, and I created a story. A story whose characters, I will admit, resembled people I knew. On some level it was comforting. That's the great thing about a story – as the writer, I had control over what was happening.

When he finally woke up I was so happy. But three little words nearly had me in tears… "Who are you?" It's hard to describe the feeling I had at that moment. I guess you could say that it felt like the world had stopped, but maybe that was because I was holding my breath. This was not a story and I was not in control. I didn't know how to respond. What would you do or say if the one person who knew you better than anyone suddenly couldn't even remember your name? I did the only thing that came to mind—I took a deep breath and looked at the situation like a test, one that I was determined to pass.