Chapter 5
James felt completely drained of life, even his usually strong bulldog patronus was deflated and plodded along meekly ahead of him offering now only a modicum of protection from the misery and despair of Azkaban. His time was coming to an end but even that thought did nothing to strengthen him after almost eight weeks of living a dreary, depressing existence. Working with the prisoners was easy; none of them spoke and they hardly even moved as they wallowed in their own nightmares; but he still had to make regular patrols and came into contact with the dementors frequently. They spread their despair everywhere; the whole building was drab and cold and even on sunny days they sucked all the joy out of the warm, bright circle in the sky. James desperately sought out happy thoughts to try and get through the torture and he constantly found himself thinking about her; eight weeks without any contact had been unbearable, especially after the magical kiss they had parted with, but even the thought of seeing her again could not take away his despair.
He constantly worried about whether she would have stuck to her word and waited for him a dreadful thought that plagued him more and more the longer he was there. She had said she would and the whole time he had tried to hope for it but known he could not really expect her to; in all sense of the word she was a free agent and it would be hard for her to explain why she might not want to see another man. He had imagined scenarios like the night before he had left for Azkaban where she would be in the Leaky Cauldron being chatted up by some one, alcohol flowing and James a million miles away. It would be tempting for a pretty girl like her and he had no right to insist that she did not take another man up on his offer. Each time he thought about it he found himself becoming more and more depressed but knew it was not just the effects of the dementors which were doing it. At first, to try and make himself more hopeful, he had replayed their last kiss over and over; it had been so different to any other they had shared and had made his heart leap like it had not done for a long time. However he found that he could not even rely on that thought to cheer him up as he always inevitably moved on to seeing her sharing that same kiss with someone else and the tiny glimmer of happiness he had seen would once again recede from his mind to be replaced with complete desolation.
"Potter," a defeated voice behind him called one morning as he prepared to do a sweep of the prison cells and he turned around slowly to see who had spoken to him; even his movements out here were slow and he found just putting one foot in front of the other an almost impossible task.
"Sir," he replied in a monotone voice when he saw his superior, and head auror for the spring shift, standing behind him accompanied by an equally defeated looking ox patronus.
"Can you come to my office at noon?" he said and James nodded his head slowly in response before trudging up the stairs ahead of him to check that all prisoners were still wallowing in their cells.
The minutes dragged by like days but it was almost noon when he had finished checking all the cells. At the end of the round were the worst prisioners; the ones who had had their souls sucked out by the dementors, living and breathing shells with no understanding of their existence. It made James recoil every morning when he saw them; they lived in filth all dumped in the same cell where they were fed and watered once a day by a couple of dementors. However, although they were the bleakest prisoners, this end of the fortress was actually the best place to be in terms of getting a tiny glimmer of hope back. The dementors didn't like to be at this end of the prison because there was nothing in these inmates for them to feed off, they didn't feel misery or despair, they felt nothing. But it was the only place where James could try to grab a tiny slice of hope and cling on to it for just a few minutes before he had to turn and go back.
Dragging his feet behind him he walked the length of the prison back to the head office where he knocked on the door and entered to find his head sitting behind the desk, his patronus standing guard beside him but letting out little relief. "Potter," he said sullenly, "you will be out of here in three days," he went on wishing that his term was almost up; junior aurors had two months of service but the seniors had to do three months before they could leave overseeing a shift change over and ensuring that the next senior member was fully informed about the inmates. It was the worst job in the world and only the knowledge of a month paid leave afterwards kept them going through the seemingly endless days. "When you leave you will have to go back to the auror office for a short recuperation but we recommend as always that you try to go home to family or friends, loved ones who will bring you out of the reverie you will experience even when you have left these walls. The dementors creep into your very being when you are here for so long; do not expect that you will feel normal again immediately."
James had forgotten what normal felt like; it seemed like years since he had felt it and could barely cling on to one happy memory in order to keep his bulldog glowing; three more days still felt like a lifetime and he could think of nothing beyond those days just yet. "You have done well out here Potter and will be given one month statutory leave to recuperate;, use the time wisely," he tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. James just nodded his head in return not even excited by the prospect of being away from work for so long. "Come to the office on Saturday morning and we will send you back to the ministry;, as you know this is the only floo out of here," he said gesturing to the fireplace behind him, "and it will be closed until then."
"Sir," he nodded as he rose slowly from his seat and walked almost painfully out of the room and down to the staff quarters at the end of the corridor. After an ex death eater had escaped many years before as an animagus clinging to the bottom of a watchwizard's robes the aurors on shift could not even escape the mid ocean fortress at the end of a gruelling watch. Instead they had to stay in specially designed rooms at the other end of prison which had been decorated to try and provide some comfort; but the misery still seeped through the walls. He ate lunch monotonously not even tasting the food which was only slightly better than the rations they were provided with on assignment; then he sat motionless watching the clock tick around to half past one when he would be back on shift again.
The monotony of the job did nothing to alleviate the gloom either as all that was entailed was walking up and down the prison checking that all prisoners were still in their cells; and then at four o clock providing them all with sloppy gruel made up mainly of potatoes and vegetables. The place was bleak, the existence was bleak and he knew there was no way in this world he would ever do anything that could end up with him being in here; a life time of this would be more than he could bear. The only reason that most of the prisoners had not killed themselves was because they didn't even have the energy to do that. James was named for his father's godfather, Sirius Black, who had been an innocent inmate at the prison for almost twelve years before he managed, somehow, to break through the gloom and escape. He could not even begin to comprehend how the man had survived for so long in this terrible place; doing a two month stint had been bad enough but twelve years was more then he could even attempt to comprehend.
At the end of his day he dropped into bed and slept as fitfully as always waking through the night to the sounds of the moaning prisoners and feeling dreadful. Nightmares were common place and he did not know if he even preferred to be asleep or awake; just because he left a nightmare when his eyes opened did not mean he wasn't still living one.
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"Thank you James," Beerney said as he walked into his office on Saturday morning, minutes after he had flooed away from the dreary prison, "your stint is up and you may commence leave at the end of the day! You will need to attend a short recuperation session with a couple of healers here in the department and then you will be free to go. May I recommend spending time with your family?" he went on and James nodded in response. It was strange but he already felt a tiny glimmer of hope now that he was so far away from the place and he found a miniscule part of his brain registering happiness as he thought about his family; and then, quite suddenly, her. His heart lifted a bit when he realised that he could go and see her again, if she had waited for him, and for the first time in two months he actually allowed himself to hope that she might have. I believe there is a letter in your drawer from your family; I am sure you are anxious to read it and start to rebuild your happiness; I remember my own stint in Azkaban," he went on shuddering for a second, "but do not worry it doesn't take as long as you expect to feel normal again!" he smiled warmly and James found himself returning it; his face almost ached as he used the muscles which had permanently put a frown on his face for two months and just that small step made him feel alive again.
When Beerney had gone he located the rolled up parchment in his drawer and slowly unfurled it to see his sister's neat handwriting.
James,
We have been waiting for this day and hope you are not feeling too melancholy. The day you are due to finish your shift is Alby's birthday, in case you have forgotten, and Mum and Dad are holding a party for him at home. Please come and see us all; we've missed you and hope you can stand to try and have a little bit of fun! Don't worry about a present I've bought him a new set of glass test tubes from you (you owe me twentygalleons by the way, nineteen for the test tubes and one for my hard work!) So all you need to worry about is picking out something to wear and making sure you turn up on time! We are all looking forward to seeing you so even if it feels too much make sure you come!
Love you brother
From Lily.
He smiled again and felt better; it was true that a party was the last thing he felt like going to but he knew it would do him good; he needed to get back to living now; no one had died and he knew it was only the after effects of the dementors that had put him in this mood. He had been hoping to seek her out that night but perhaps if he showed up at the party and left early with an excuse that it was little too much for him he might be able see her as well before the day was over.
He barely had time to shower and change after his recuperation session with the healers who did very little really but advised him on how to stay positive. He supposed the only cure for dementor effects was to get away from them and knew in time he would start to feel better. He was amazed at how different he felt after just a few hours away from them and the terrible thought that he had had for the last two months, that he would never feel normal again, was already starting to recede. After his check up he had returned to his office to sign off work and was greeted by a new secretary who had evidently started while he was in Azkaban, "Mr Potter," she had said sweetly as she knocked on his open door and his head lifted slowly to look at her. A few years ago she would have been his type of woman, long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, the cleavage of which was on obvious display in a tight fitting, low cut white top. It left little to the imagination but even if he had not been in his melancholy mood he would not have looked twice at her now, "I have some forms you need to sign," she had gone on walking over to his desk and leaning over so he could see even further down her plunging cleavage.
"Thank you...?" he'd looked at her then with a disheartened face and waited for her to tell him her name.
"Zelda," she had answered walking around to his side of the desk and putting a hand on his shoulder, "If you can just sign here and here," she'd indicated brushing one of her breasts against his cheek; he had ignored the touch and signed the parchment quickly hoping she would get out of the office so he could leave too. "Thank you," she had said standing back up and walking towards the door and then she had asked "Are you on holiday for long?" knowing that the forms were for statutory leave; she had only been working at the ministry for a few weeks and had mostly been in charge of filing paperwork and getting parchments signed but she had already begun to distinguish different records and papers.
"A month," he had replied standing up and checking his desk drawer for anything he might want to take with him.
"Oh," she had replied in a disheartened voice; she had been hoping it would not be for long as she wanted to get herself acquainted with the handsome young auror.
"Well, if you don't mind I need to go," he then said, not really caring whether he offended her or not; he had been desperate to get back to his own home and the bubblehead girl, clearly trying to come on to him, had only irritated him.
He had passed by a group of people walking down the corridor with Beereny as he left the office minutes later; he didn't recognise any of them and realised they were probably new aurors on foreign exchange, something he had been offered a few times before but had so far not been ready to take.
"Ah, and here is one of our most competent aurors, Mr James Potter, just returned from his stint at Azkaban!" Beereny said in introduction and James tried his best to smile even though he still found it difficult to do so, "our foreign exchange aurors James," he went on confirming his suspicions. "Mr Potter here is the eldest son of Harry Potter, who of course you are all familiar with," the head of department went on sounding as if he was introducing the most famous stars. James glanced around at the four new members of the team who all shook his hand and introduced themselves by name; he tried his best to look pleased to meet them but found it hard. The only female member of the group held on to his hand for a moment as she shook it and she looked at him in an unnerving way through deep dark eyes which made him feel as if he was being scrutinised; he found himself becoming more and more uncomfortable, a feeling he wasn't ready to handle this close to coming out of Azkaban, and excused himself quickly to leave. As he went he felt the tall woman's stare follow him along the corridor to the front of the reception desk where he scooted out quickly without looking behind him again.
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Flooing into the kitchen of Grimmauld place at around half past seven James headed up to the living room where he found the party already in full swing; most of his cousins were there, some had even brought along other friends, and everyone looked to be enjoying themselves. Just looking at them made him feel better already and he knew he had made the right decision to come along. After a crushing hug from his mother and sister and a few handshakes from his cousins his heart felt instantly lighter and when he turned to the window and saw that She was also at the party he felt it leap into his mouth. She was stood with his cousin Victorie and her husband, Teddy, who was bouncing baby Remus up and down in the air; she was watching the little family in awe and chatting to the young and happy looking mother.
"James," she said politely when he approached the little gathering and Teddy immediately launched Remus towards him, "good to see you back!" she went on nodding at him and he smiled at her. "You look-"
"Bloody awful mate!" Teddy had interjected, "Sorry to be so blunt but those dementors don't half have a terrible affect on people."
"Thanks," James replied half laughing and turning to swing his baby cousin up in the air like his father had just been doing. He had only been playing with Remus a few seconds when Salamander, who once again was trying to escape the girls talk he had been subjected to, found him and begged to be rescued. Handing the child back to his mother he nodded politely again at his cousins and then her before allowing himself to be whisked away to the other side of the room with a hidden look of disappointment.
"All they ever talk about is men!" Sal sighed nodding at the group of women he had just left, "Thank Merlin that you're back, I'm not sure I can take another Friday night in the Cauldron without a mate to talk to!"
"They've been dating then?" he asked and found himself jokingly adding, "Even Rose?"
Laughing felt alien but it was also good and he rolled into a long chuckle as Salamander hit him on the arm and replied, "I hope not!"
"So what have I missed?" he asked eying the brunette in the corner briefly before turning back to his best friend.
"Nothing much," Salamander replied, "Dom Sally and Holly, every week, talking about men!"
"Dom has a man?" James asked in shock.
"They all have by the sounds of it; they never stop talking about them!"
"So have you met either of them?"
"Not yet," Salamander replied and James suddenly began to marvel at the ease of holding a conversation, something he had not done properly for two months. He was enjoying not having to think drab and dreary thoughts and was even prepared to hear about the new men in his cousin and her friends' lives.
For the next hour she kept catching his eye and each look made him want to be with her more and more as he kept playing their last kiss over and over in his head; he felt more positive about it now that he wasn't in Azkaban and after seeing that she was alone at the party he hoped that she had really waited for him. He watched her leave the room alone a little later, probably to visit the bathroom, and he excused himself from the conversation he was having with his brother who had been thanking him for the wonderful test tube kit that Lily had picked out. "Must remember to pay her for them," he chuckled before adding, "excuse me," and then he slipped out of the living room door hoping to find a secluded space where they might talk and hopefully recreate the magical moment they had shared before he had left. "Hey," he whispered catching her arm when she walked out of the bathroom on the floor above the living room.
"Hey," she replied, smiling brightly as he pulled her gently in the direction of his old room.
