Anthony - Wed. August, 24, 1814
Anthony had meant to barge into Lucy's room, apologise for his behaviour and confess his feelings to her, but before he could do the latter, Lucy told him that she wouldn't have to marry anyone, she was able to get the time machine working and she could go home. She was so excited and the look of happiness on her face was the very thing that made Anthony feel at peace, something he hadn't felt in many years. He wanted her to stay, but how could he ask her to do that when her happiness was so clearly back in her own time? He also couldn't ignore how much it stung to know that Lucy would rather risk her life and ending up in another time, than to stay here. He couldn't bring himself to tell her how he felt, if it did cause her to change her mind he would always wonder if it was because she felt the same, or if it was just fear of the unknown that made her stay. That should be ok considering just a day or so ago he still planned to never fall in love, and yet now he was wishing he could give up everything for Lucy's love, but he knew it wasn't ok. It was far from it.
The way he loved her was like nothing else, but he couldn't foist it upon her without knowing that it was enough for her. So he kept quiet, but he needed to get away from her. It had taken everything in him to build up the courage to come clean to her and in the blink of an eye the situation changed so completely and Anthony could hardly keep himself from shaking. He mumbled some incoherent words and stumbled from her room then. He wasn't sure where he was going to go, so he headed for his study as usual and immediately slumped into his chair, so defeated he couldn't even bring himself to lift his decanter and pour himself a brandy. Before he could completely slow his breathing and re-centre himself there was a knock on his door. Anthony cursed and stayed silent for a moment, another knock did not come, but he could tell the person was still there.
"Enter." He sighed, and his mother swept in. As angry as he was, he respected his mother so he sat up straight and tried to give her the attention that she deserved.
"What is it mother?" He asked tiredly.
"You have not been to your bachelor lodgings in quite sometime now dear." Anthony tilted his head and remained silent. His mother was good though, and she kept her tongue even longer than he did.
"And? Your point being mother?" Anthony finally asked through gritted teeth. Violet smiled a small victory smile at her son and sat gingerly on the chair in front of his desk.
"Every man needs space to clear his head every once in a while, especially a man with many responsibilities. I think it would do you good to get away for a night. We can do without your watchful eye for an evening." Anthony sighed, longing for the privacy and distance between himself and Lucy. He knew his mother was right, but he was suspicious as to how pure her motives were. She would always worry about his well being, but she had a talent for making things go her way by gently pulling and prodding in all of the right places and Anthony got the sense that he might just be in the middle of being prodded.
"What are you up to?" He narrowed his eyes at his mother's innocent expression. He admired his mother, she had always been a kind and caring mother, with a skill for handling unruly boys and willful girls. She loved being a parent just as much as his father had, and they were truly each other's perfect match. As much responsibility as Anthony had inherited upon his father's death, His mother had inherited more too. She was automatically demoted when it came to her eldest son who still needed her guidance, but she was also fragile and with child. Somehow, despite all of this, she made sure that she was the same mother to all of her children and took on even more in the absence of their father. She did it all with elegance and managed to keep the family in the good graces of the Ton and steered her eldest in the right direction when he was unsure, never making it seem like she was bossing him around. She was an impressive woman and made filling the role of Viscountess an extremely tall order.
"Always, what is best for our family." She told her son slyly, not bothering to deny that she had ulterior motives.
"Mother - " Anthony began but his mother shook her head and silenced him with a look.
"Anthony Bridgerton, sometimes you must just heed your mother. You need to take a hot bath, have a tea and a good long sleep away from all of your distractions. You are all but dead on your feet young man, and that is a sure way to catch sickness!" Anthony couldn't help but smile at his mother, because even though he knew that she was up to something he could tell she was still seriously concerned for his well-being. He knew that if he had asked her to come back with him and nurse him she absolutely would. He hadn't leaned on his mother like that in years of course, but it was still nice to know that if he ever needed to, he could.
"You might be right." He conceded, thinking longingly of a silent evening without the temptation of Lucy down the hall.
"Of course I am. You head back to your lodgings and take it easy and come back tomorrow evening for dinner." His mother had stood then and started to make her way to the door. Anthony found himself nodding in agreement and then looked at his mother suspiciously again.
"What have you done?"
"People have heard we have a guest Anthony." She told him from the doorway.
"They have?" Anthony was surprised by this because although they did arrive at the ball with Lucy, it was by no means a large gathering, at least by the Ton's standards, the usual gossips hadn't been present and her popularity had seemed to eclipse the fact that she was friendly with the Bridgertons.
"Of course, Lady Whistledown misses nothing. We are having our neigbhours for an intimate meet and greet. We want to make sure to have this in our control before the season begins, gossip can go a long way in our world, and it would be fair to no one to have the wrong idea out there." Anthony understood what his mother was saying and he agreed. It wouldn't really matter anyway, Lucy was going to leave but his mother didn't know that of course. Anthony had decided in that moment he was going to take his mother's advice and retire to his bachelor lodgings for the night. If he was going to get his family through this dinner party he was going to need a clear head and it had become very evident that he couldn't achieve that in the same house as Lucy. He also needed to be alone with his thoughts without any more interruptions or opinions from any of his family members. He probably could have done with this time earlier, but better late than never he hoped.
He took his leave almost immediately after that and the moment he was in his bachelor lodgings he snapped at the servants to pour him a bath and leave him be for the rest of the night. He raged, and swore and soaked silently in a hot bath. He thought of Lucy and the life he had started picturing for them, he thought of his family and what his father would have expected of him, he thought about every serious thing he had ever been faced with and was enraged that he was so out of control for the first time. He resisted the temptation to drink, he didn't want to drown his feelings, he wanted to be rid of them and he knew the drink wouldn't let that happen. He boxed the punch bag that Simon had gifted him in their last year of Eaton, and did a number on it. He then soaked his hands and allowed the pain of his stinging knuckles to numb the pain that was in his heart.
Anthony had never wanted to find love, he knew how powerful it was and he knew he wasn't strong enough to love someobody the way his parents had loved each other and leave them behind when he inevidibly died just like his father. He had felt that pain and he had been reminded of it everyday when he watched his mother try to get by, but when Lucy touched that part of his heart again he became powerless to control it. It was so powerful that there didn't seem to be enough words to describe the impact of love, and having to let her go and watch her walk away was devestating. It was like he was losing that part of his heart all over again, but this time it was taking more with it. He would never be able to let someone in like he had let her in and truth be told he didn't want to. As painful as it was, he wanted Lucy to have that part of him, he felt it rightfully belonged to her and couldn't imagine letting another woman take that place.
Eventually Anthony had taken himself to bed, and although it took a very long time, sleep finally overtook him and he was not woken in the morning with some sort of problem, he was left to sleep until his body had woken him up, and after the night he had, it had been exactly what he needed.
Although Lucy was the first thing that had come into his mind upon wakening, he had almost come to terms with it. He loved Lucy enough to want her to have what was best for her, it was the same reason that he would help her find a spouse if she didn't want him and had to remain here. He needed to know she was happy and if going home did that, then he accepted that. He had a late breakfast in his sun room, thinking longingly of Aubrey hall. The season hadn't even started yet and he already wanted to retire there. He could really seeing as he didn't have a sister out this season, but as he and his brothers were all still bachelors they were expected to make several appearances, enough to make it inconvenient to be all of the way in Kent. He had hoped to show Lucy Aubrey hall, he expected that it would be where she would prefer. He had never actually seen her out in the city as they had been keeping her under wraps, but from the stories that she told him of her life back home, she preferred beautiful solitude and the company of those you loved, rather than the hustle and bustle of a busy social life and that sounded just perfect to Anthony. He was disappointed he may never get the chance to show her the place, but also thankful that it wouldn't be tainted. He knew that without a doubt there wasn't a corner of Bridgerton house where he would not picture Lucy. The way she moved, the way her face lit up when she smiled, or maybe even the ghost sound of her laughter in the hallways. She had only been there for weeks not years and yet Anthony knew that the place had been forever altered by her presence, as had his life.
He remained in his bachelors lodgings until he really was out of time, he had figured the best course of action was to stay away from Lucy as long as possible. He arrived back at Bridgerton house only minutes before their guests, and his mother greeted him warmly, making no mention of his tardiness as she ordinarily would have done, and he was thankful for it.
"You will be at the head of the table of course with me to your right and I thought maybe Lord Burton to your left?" His mother told him as they gathered in the front hall awaiting their guests. He became painfully aware when Lucy had entered the room and it took everything in him to ignore her, so he was thankful that his mother had started speaking to him, it allowed him to grab onto her words and force himself to concentrate on something other than Lucy, who looked particularly fetching in a velvet red dress.
Somehow he had made it through dinner and dessert, no doubt due to Lord Burton's quite and boring nature, and when the music began he said his good-byes to the women telling them he needed to get back to work and made his exit. He had done his duty by making an appearance, but he was sure no one would fault the Viscount for ducking out of such a small party to get some work done, so he retreated to his study, taking a long look at Lucy, who was smiling and dancing with his brother Colin, and he felt safe leaving her there.
He was painfully aware that Lucy was in the next room over, but at least he didn't have to pretend and control his facial features. He could have sat there all night thinking about what she must look like on the dance floor or the way she worked hard to control her facial expressions when roped into conversation with a Featherington or Burton, the two extremes of families. One in your face, loud and nosey, the other quiet, boring and almost invisible. A soft knock at his door made him jump, and even before he said 'enter' and the door opened, he knew it was Lucy. His body was hyper-aware of her and he could feel her nearby without even seeing her. It was sort of amazing, and he would have spent more time thinking about it had he actually been able to be with Lucy.
"Can I have a word?" She said softly. Anthony didn't trust himself to speak yet, always being knocked breathless by her appearance, so he simply nodded. Lucy closed the door over, but not completely shut and moved closer to his desk, making the scent of her stronger.
"There is no use in dragging this out so, I've come to say good-bye." Anthony swallowed hard and blinked, hardly daring to believe his ears. He knew she was planning on trying to go back home, but he hadn't realised she meant so soon.
"Already?" He managed to say. Lucy took a deep breath, a pained expression on her face and nodded.
"Yes. I...I can't stay and I have managed to have a really lovely moment with each of your family members and I really feel like it is the perfect way to end things."
"They will not understand." Anthony blurted out.
"I know, but hopefully my time here will be remembered in a positive light anyway because it very truthfully was positive for me." Lucy took another step forward, all Anthony had to do was stand and take a step forward and she would be in his arms.
"I haven't been part of a family in a long time and it was really nice feeling like I was again. Your family are truly incredible people and I mean it when I say you are all so very lucky to have each other. I have never seen such a close-knit family and I have the utmost respect for you for being the head of them. You took me in when you didn't have to and I will be forever grateful for it. I really wish that I could repay you in some way, there are simply no words." Lucy said choking back tears.
"You have given us plenty and brought my family closer together, that is more than enough to leave us with, but I - I do not honestly know if I can bring myself to say good-bye to you." Anthony said standing and reaching out to gently stroke Lucy's cheek. He wanted to pull her into another kiss and convince her to stay, but he couldn't do that to her, so he dropped his hand after a moment and took a step back, bowing his head. Lucy's eyes glistened with tears and she nodded and left quickly, closing the door tightly behind her, and then Anthony did something he hadn't done since the night that his father died, he broke down into tears.
He cried for all of the feelings he had tried to keep hidden in the face of duty, he cried for all of the moments in life he let pass him by because he was busy trying to be strong, he cried for finding love when it was too late, and most of all he cried because he had just watched his heart walk out the door and he knew it was never coming back. He was never going to smell that soapy vanilla smell of Lucy's skin again, or see the freckles along the bridge of her nose wrinkle when she was unable to keep her facial expressions in check. The image of Lucy's green eyes sparkling with laughter and her cheeks reddening with any type of emotion was imprinted on his mind, and it was gut wrenching knowing that he would never see it in person again. It was too much for him to keep contained and it came flooding out.
Anthony pulled himself together rather quickly after he allowed the tears to fall and he was immediately embarrassed by it despite the fact that no one had seen it and he did feel better. He had gathered himself together not a moment too soon however, because Benedict came knocking on his door a few short minutes later. Wearily Anthony called 'Enter' and Benedict came striding in.
"Did you tell her?" He said simply. Anthony looked at him silently and Benedict shook his head.
"She has a plan to be gone from our lives very soon, that much is clear, but she is making the plan without all of the pieces and I think she deserves that, I think you both do." He saiad with an air of frustration about him.
"She does not want to remain here Benedict." Anthony said, not bothering to pretend he didn't know what Benedict was talking about.
"Maybe she does not want to remain here unless she gets to stay put...with you, with us." Anthony smiled, realising he had never fooled his family for a second, and the fact that he thought he could was actually quite ridiculous. He wasn't ashamed in the least bit, they all loved her and now that he had accepted that he had fallen in love and that he wanted to be in love there truly was no good reason for him not to confess his love for her to any who would listen.
Of course if she didn't share his feelings that was completely different, but Benedict was right, if she was going to make a very important decision, she should do it with all of the information. He had to find her and tell her how he felt, she may not stay, but at least part of him would rest easy knowing that he at least was open and honest with her and truly gave his heart a chance.
"I...Will you excuse me brother? I...I have to go." Benedict smiled and nodded and said:
"I thought you might." and Anthony ran from his study in search of Lucy. He couldn't remember what time she was going to try and make her escape, but he knew that she was going to try and recreate the conditions as closely as possible which would mean she would have to change, so he raced to her room first, hoping he could catch her there.
* End of Chapter *
Disclaimer: I own none of the above characters, they are all creations of Julia Quinn (With the exception of OC Lucy McCoy)
