At the end of a long, though enjoyable, day, Hawke and Fenris returned to their suite. Hawke had barely latched the door when Fenris grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close.
"Now, is it later?" he asked, referencing her earlier promise.
Hawke felt her heart race, startled and eager all at once. She smiled at him, nearly laughing. "Yes, it's later, but forgive me if I found the delay… worthwhile." She leaned in to steal a kiss before looking him in the eyes. "I love you too, Fenris."
He pulled her close again, kissing her and leaving her breathless. More kisses followed, though softer, slower. Despite the gentle kisses, his body felt tense against hers. Why? It was almost like his restraint was… forced.
"I won't break, you know," Hawke muttered between kisses.
He kissed her forehead and sighed. "I've no experience… courting someone, but I assume you want to be courted."
Ah… Fenris had put a lot of thought into this. He was the calculating sort, after all.
"First," Hawke began, kissing him softly in reassurance, "Don't assume. I'm terrible at meeting assumptions, you know that." She kissed him again, draping her arms over his neck. "Second, I don't think courting makes any sense for us anyway."
"Oh?" he asked, his hands resting on her hips.
Hawke laughed softly. "Fenris, courting is what you do if you fancy someone and you hope to build a relationship. We've already known each other for nearly ten years. I've trusted you with my life more times than I could count. We already have a relationship, quite an excellent one really."
Fenris relaxed visibly. Hawke could feel the tension leave his shoulders. "I'll give up assuming then." He kissed her. "What would you like?"
Hawke grinned and leaned close against him, whispering in his ear. "While I appreciate your efforts to be a gentleman, sometimes… right now… that's not what I want… that's not what I need." She grazed her teeth against his ear, hoping he got the message.
He got the message.
With a low growl he pressed her against the wall.
The rest was a breathless flurry in Hawke's mind. There was the soft feeling of his hair against her fingers, and the sting of his teeth against her neck. There was the trail of clothes strewn on the floor. There was the warmth of him against her. There was the soft blue glow of lyrium. There were no more words that night, just growls from Fenris, and Hawke screaming his name.
...
Hawke awoke in the darkness. For a moment she thought she was alone, but no, she could just make out Fenris beside her. He was sitting up, head in his hands. Concerned, Hawke put her hand on his arm… he was shaking.
"Fenris?"
He looked at her, his green eyes catching the sliver of moonlight from the window. Hawke waited, silent, for his reply
"I…" he hesitated. "I began to remember… my life before… Just… flashes. It's… It's unsettling to see such foreign things, but at the same time know they are my own memories."
He sighed. "I saw them, but now… They're gone… it's almost worse than not remembering at all."
Hawke leaned up and kissed him softly. "With or without them, I am here with you."
Fenris lay back down and pulled her close. "I know."
The trembling stopped immediately, so Hawke was content to rest her head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat slow back to normal. He was quiet for several minutes before sighing again. "I would have run from this… before."
Hawke took his hand, lacing their fingers. "Should I be ready to chase you?"
"I told you I wouldn't leave you, didn't I?" Fenris replied, and Hawke could hear the smile in his voice. "By before," he continued, "I mean years ago. Back then, if I was confronted with something I couldn't kill, I had to run. Fight or flight. Mere survival. I had no sense of working through anything but physical pain. I had no sense of working towards anything but vengeance."
"It was almost as if I was hardly a person. I was only what they had made me. A slave. A fighter. A wolf. I used to think memories would make me whole, but I've managed without them."
"You made new memories," Hawke offered.
Fenris kissed her. "Yes, and I'd like to make more. More memories with you… That would make me happy."
"Me too," Hawke replied.
...
Fenris noticed Hawke looking him up and down for at least the fifth time that morning.
"You keep doing that," he muttered.
"What?" she asked, smiling shamelessly.
"Looking at me," Fenris explained.
Hawke laughed. "Sorry. I'm just admiring how good you look in your new armor."
Fenris rolled his eyes.
"No, I quite like it," she insisted. "It helps that the pauldrons aren't spikey. I may actually be able to rest my head on your shoulder without bleeding."
Fenris liked his new armor as well, but he wasn't about to tell her that. "I never pretended to understand Tevinter fashion. I just know it worked. I expect this armor to work as well, given that the previous owner managed to slay a dragon."
"At least you can be sure it won't melt," Hawke teased.
Fenris merely shook his head and looked back at the water. They had set sail for Kirkwall that morning. Barring shipwrecks, they would be home quickly.
"The red ribbon is new," Hawke remarked. "Is that Tevinter fashion too?"
He hesitated. How could he explain without sounding foolish? He glanced at the strip of cloth tied around his wrist and took a deep breath. This was the whole point, wasn't it?
"It's a Fog Warrior custom," Fenris explained, hoping a simple answer would satisfy her.
"Oh? What kind of custom?"
He should have known. That woman was too inquisitive by half.
"It's a… sign of commitment."
"Oh…" there was a warmth to Hawke's tone that encouraged him.
"Obviously it is something others can see, but that's not the primary purpose," Fenris continued. "It's meant to serve as a point of meditation… a reminder."
"Of the commitment." Hawke confirmed.
"Yes. Though, it's not quite the same for every person. Different people wish to meditate on different commitments."
Hawke smiled. "What does yours mean, then? If… you don't mind my asking."
How could he explain? It meant so many things all at once. He wanted to remember to let go of the past so he could focus on the future with her. He wanted to be open with her, but at the same time not so blunt that he neglected her feelings. He needed to remember that he deserved happiness, and her.
"For me it's not," he began softly, "a reminder that I love you… That is clear enough in my mind already." He hesitated again, because this was something he never thought he'd have to put into words before. "It's a reminder that you love me."
Hawke's easy smile faded into a mix of emotions that Fenris couldn't read completely. There was some appreciation, affection. Unfortunately, there was also a strange sort of sorrow that worried Fenris. Did she pity him?
"That… Fenris that is beautiful in a way I can't quite explain," Hawke finally said, voice quiet. "It reminds me that beautiful things aren't always cheerful or simple."
...
As Hawke stood on deck, she saw the shore in the distance and sighed. Their wayward journey to Denerim and back was nearly over. Her duties as Viscount awaited her, made heavier by the knowledge than so much unrest was brewing across Thedas.
"The captain said we'll be docking within the hour," Fenris stated as he walked up beside her. His tone shifted as he drew closer. "Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "Not really. I just… It was nice to be just Hawke again, not Viscount Hawke."
Fenris kissed her softly. "You're not Viscount Hawke to me."
"I know… and that's another worry. We've had so much time together, but now I'll be busy again with my duties. I don't want to neglect you," Hawke explained.
Fenris smirked. "You should know, I am able amuse myself." His smile faded and his face grew stern. "Varric told me you were running yourself ragged before. It might be better to temper your efforts. Surely if Kirkwall survived these weeks without you at all, it will survive you taking more time for yourself."
Hawke sighed. "I can't deny the logic in your argument. There's more to it than that, though. For so long, I was burying myself in work to avoid thinking about... things."
"And now? Do you still find yourself caught up in such thoughts?" Fenris asked.
"No," Hawke assured him. "Earlier in this trip I realized that I had more than moved on. It was just a crutch I was afraid to let go of."
Fenris smiled. "Good. It doesn't help to pretend that… things never existed, and I'd never ask that of you. What does help is looking forward. I know I'll look forward to seeing you each day, even if you'll be kept busy as Viscount."
"Come on," Hawke urged mischievously, suddenly taking his hand and leading him away from the rail of the ship. "We have an hour before I have to worry about being Viscount again. We should go back to our room and make the most of it."
