Life and I have been in a serious battle, and Life has been kicking my ass, especially when it came to giving me Free Time. Plus, I wanted to make sure this chapter was just right before I posted it, and to be perfectly honest, I still don't feel amazing about it yet. But I've been working, and re-working it, so I'm guessing this is the way it wants to be. So hopefully you all enjoy it! =)
Disclaimer: Twilight isn't mine, none of the characters, none of the components
Chapter Nine, New Thoughts
Bella
I was lying on my bed with the sheet pulled over my head, when my cell phone started ringing. I didn't even want to reach for it – it was either Edward, who was just calling to check up on me, or Alice, who was calling me constantly about how I needed to get it together and stop treating Edward so badly.
I couldn't even get mad at her for that, because she was so right. I knew I was being unfair to Edward – I had spent the last couple of days in a miserable daze, while he could only stand idly by. Try as I might to live otherwise, not having Jacob in my life was upsetting more than I could have guessed. It wasn't that he and I were impossibly close, but he was the only one I could count on to hang out with when I used to visit Charlie back in the day, and as soon as I had moved here permanently, we had made a point to see each other at least once a week. True, once I had started getting involved with Edward, I had seen less of him than usual, and I could only blame myself for that.
But now he wanted to cut me off completely because of Edward!
Bells, I can't…I can't be friends with you if you're going to continue to see him.
I called him repeatedly, left him messages to call me, but I got no response. I even went all the way to Jacob's house, only to be met by his father Billy, who gave me an odd but angry look and told me that Jacob wasn't available to me. I remembered that Billy had been the one that told Jacob the story about 'The Cold Ones' and probably knew all about my relationship with Edward, and felt the same way that Jacob did.
My phone stopped ringing, but then started back in another couple of seconds. Regrettably, I moved from my comfortable position of wallowing to reach for the phone. Flashing on my screen, was – as I figured – Alice.
"Hey," I answered quietly.
"Hey mopey," Alice said teasingly. "And how are you today?"
"Can you tell Edward I love him, and that I'm so sorry for cancelling on him today?" I moaned. Edward and I were supposed to see each other today in our meadow, but I just couldn't allow myself to spend more time with Edward when all I could think about was Jacob.
"Oh he's already over it," Alice said casually. "A friend of the family, Tanya, is here, and she's upstairs making him feel all better."
I perked up instantly at that, sitting up in bed and my eyes going wide. "W-W-What?"
Alice started to laugh. "Just a joke, but I needed you to get up out of that bed, and I knew that would work."
I growled. "That's not even funny, Al."
"Come on, you know Edward is crazy about you. How could you even take me serious?"
I didn't want to forgive her just yet. "Why did I need to get up?" I asked her in a hard tone.
"Just had a vision," Alice said. "It was pretty cloudy, there was a figure I couldn't quite make out what, or actually, who, was coming towards your house, but you were surprised to see the person there. I can't really make out wolves in my visions – never really knew why – but I'm guessing that I saw Jacob coming to your place, and I just wanted to give you the heads up."
My eyes went even wider. "Jacob?"
"Well, I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing nine times out of ten, yes. Edward went to talk to him you know, about how he was handling this situation. They had, I guess you could call it, a heart-to-heart. And maybe Jacob finally going to come to some form of sense."
I could barely hear a thing Alice was saying. Jacob was coming to see me? It seemed so unbelievable: he had spent the last twelve days avoiding me adamantly, that for him to just show up at my house seemed slim to impossible.
Then again, Jacob was always spontaneous like that – it was one of the things I loved at about him. One minute we're watching television and the following minute he's suggesting that we do some cliff diving out by the La Push city limits. I found myself smiling at the thought of Jacob coming to see me: maybe he wanted to make things better?
"Bella?"
Alice's voice surprised me. "Oh, sorry Al, I got–"
"I know, don't worry about it. We all know what a head case you've been lately," Alice said lightly. "I just hope this mutt has some good news for you, or else that will be the end of Edward's patience."
My smile grew at the thought of Edward's concern for me. "Tell him that–"
"You love him, I got that the first time," Alice finished teasingly for me. "Jacob should be there in the next five minutes. I wish you both the best of luck."
I felt a lot happier than I had in days when I disconnected the call. Jacob was coming to see me, and Edward still cared about me despite my foul attitude lately. Both were some of the best news I had heard in a while – although, I couldn't allow myself to get too excited about Jacob's visit: it could easily be bad news as much as it could be good news.
I didn't allow myself to dwell on the possibility of something negative – I hopped out of bed and pulled a pair of sweatpants over my underwear. Just as I had made the decision to brush my hair, my cell phone rang again. This time, Jacobs's name flashed on my screen.
Tentatively, I answered the call, "H-H-Hello?"
"Bella," My name came out in a sigh of relief, as if he had expected me not answer. "Hey."
"Hi," I said quietly.
"Could you meet me outside? I think we should talk."
I nodded at first, and then realized he couldn't hear me nod. "Yeah, okay," I said before hanging up.
I secured my hair in a bun with a clip and went downstairs. By the time I opened the door, Jacob was standing there, his face torn with various expressions. Even though Alice had warned me about his arrival, and I had just gotten off the phone with him, I was still surprised to see him standing there. What secretly pleased me is that he looked as rough as I felt inside, which meant I wasn't the only one being tormented by this whole ordeal.
"Jeez Bells," Jacob said. "You look terrible."
I frowned at him. "You look just as bad."
"Yeah, I know," he replied pathetically. He ran his hand over his dark hair and then took a deep breath. "Walk with me? Not far, but," he stopped, "just around I guess."
I nodded and slipped into a pair of Charlie's shoes that were by the door. It was an old pair of bedroom slippers that Charlie only used to get the paper, but I figured they would suffice for now. Jacob reached for my hand slowly, as he led us way from my house. The warmth of his hand was familiar, yet strange – I had gotten so used to the cold touch of a Cullen.
We were silent – Jacob took us around the block a couple of times, but he didn't say anything. And I had no idea what to say to him. I had spent the last couple of days thinking of many things I would want to say to him, and now I couldn't come up with one. It was almost nice, just walking around with him in silence, but at the same time, it wasn't comfortable, because we weren't comfortable with each other.
"Jake–"
"Yes?" He spun around to face me so quickly, that I was caught off guard.
I frowned. "Well what is it?" I asked. "You came to see me, so what is it?"
He frowned at me slightly. "You don't have anything to say to me?"
"Not right now I don't," I replied honestly. I narrowed my eyes at him. "I had a lot of things to say to you a couple of days ago, but you wouldn't answer my calls then. Now I'm waiting for you to say something to me."
Jacob sighed. "I know," he whispered. "I'm sorry. And I do have something to say to you." His expression was earnest. "I'm so sorry about anything Bella."
I waited for something else, but Jacob just kept staring at me with this honest expression.
It made me angry. It made me incredibly furious that he thought that "I'm sorry" was going to fix everything. I had spent the last twelve days sobbing, being miserable, and pushing away the love of my life because of him. And all he could say for all of this was: I'm sorry.
So I lifted my hands and pushed him as hard as I could. He actually stumbled back and then said, "Bells, the fuck? What was that for?"
"Because you're such a fucking idiot!" I yelled at him. "You think that 'I'm sorry' will fix everything? You think that your 'sorry' takes away from the days I spent in my slump, moaning about how I lost my best friend? You think your 'sorry' takes away the pain I felt when you told me we weren't friends anymore? You know how many 'sorries' I gotten from you as of late? I fucking pisses me off that you think this sorry thing makes everything better! Let me tell you something Jacob Black, it does not fucking make it better. You're sorry? Well I don't forgive you, how about that!"
Jacob was cowering from me once I was done yelling. But in my pause of rant, I realized I wasn't even done yelling. "Edward was right about you. You don't care about me. You don't care about our friendship. You don't give a fuck. You want to stop being friends because I got a boyfriend that you don't like. You won't even stop to realize just how happy I am with Edward. You're too busy being selfish and you wanting everything to go your way, even if it makes me unhappy. And when it couldn't go your way, you completely cut me off. And only when you're ready to fix things is when you contact me. You can't answer the phone when I call you, but you expect me to just drop everything and forgive you as soon as you decide you should be forgiven. Fuck you Jacob Black. Fuck you."
"Bella–"
"No, shut the fuck up!" I screamed, cutting him off. "I don't want to hear anything from you now. For once, I'm going to act like you and cut you the fuck off, and when I'm ready to talk to you again, I'll give you a fucking call. But the way I feel right now Jacob Black, I never want to see your fucking face again!"
I turned away from him and walked off towards my house, but then I felt a hand grabbing my wrist. Jacob whipped me around and pulled me close. Before I could even get my bearings back, I felt lips pressed on mine. My face scrunched up with discomfort and I tried to wriggle myself free, but Jacob was holding me too tightly. I remained tense as Jacob kissed me, and when he finally let me go, I was angrier than before.
"What are you doing Jake?" I screamed at him.
"I bet you never knew how I really felt about you Bella," Jacob yelled back at me. "I bet you had no idea that all these years you mean more than the world to me."
"To be perfectly honest, I couldn't really tell considering the way you completely threw me out of your life a few days ago! Or I bet you never really knew: people who care about each other don't treat them the way you've been treating me."
"Well how do you think I'm supposed to react when you fall in love with my mortal enemy!"
"Don't be juvenile Jacob. Edward is just a guy, who happens to be a vampire. But the two of you aren't at fucking war, or anything like that!"
"This whole time, all I've been trying to do is what's best for you. You can't grow old with that monster. You can't love him, and he can't love you. But we could be happy together Bella. We are happy together, and we had always been happy together before that bloodsucker came and fucked things up."
"You do not talk about Edward that way!" I yelled. "Edward has been wonderful, better than you've been. While I've been struggling with this whole thing with you, he's been there for me, put up with me, listened to me. Things that you conveniently forgot about every since you knew he and I were dating. If you really cared about me, you'd be happy that I've found someone that makes me so happy."
"I make you happy Bella!"
"Yes, but someone else can do it too Jacob. And god, it doesn't mean that you don't make me happy anymore. You're the one that's making this seem impossible. It can work between the three of us."
"You can't have me and him, Bella."
"Then I don't want you!" I shrieked.
There was a long silence between the two of us, my words hanging in the air. I wouldn't take them back either, even though my heart was begging me to do so. But Jacob clearly wanted to me to make a choice, and I knew where the right one was.
Jacob's whole face pulled into an angry frown. "I love you Bella Swan."
I rolled my eyes at him. "Fuck off Jacob."
"Bella." His voice took on a more serious tone, and he took my hands in his, his dark eyes penetrating. "I love you."
I glanced up at him, took in the realness in his eyes, and knew what he had said was true. He had loved me for a long time, but I just never noticed it. And the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if maybe I had loved Jacob like this as well, once upon a time…maybe even all this time. It hurt me more than words could bear to be without him for those few days. Couldn't one easily chalk that feeling up to love?
Yes, I probably did love Jacob Black just as much as he loved me. If I put aside my fury for him, I know there was a glimpse of something there when he kissed me. And next to Edward, Jacob always knew how to make me happy.
But I wasn't in love with him: that rite belonged to Edward. And lately, all Jacob brought me was turmoil and pain and misery. It wasn't the same between us, and I couldn't feel the same way about him as he did for me. Not after all of this.
So, yes, Jacob loved me, but I couldn't accept it. I made a decision, and I wouldn't go back on it. Instead, I pulled my hands back from his hold and softly said, "You have a weird method of showing it Jacob." My eyes dropped from his face. "And I don't want to deal with it anymore. Not right now. And maybe not ever again."
"Bella–" His voice was pleading with me. And it reminded me of my own voice those days ago, when he was leaving me. Except, when Jacob walked away from me, he probably knew he was coming right back to me.
But as I was walking away from Jacob, I knew that there was nothing to come back to.
"I'm sorry Jake," I whispered as I went away.
Edward
Bella's coming.
Alice's mental message was music to my ears. I flew down the stairs and waited anxiously at the door for her to arrive. I missed her more than I thought possible, and wanted nothing more than to hold her as close to me as possible and bury my nose in her soft dark hair.
She's upset, Eddie. She's very upset. Things with Jacob didn't go well.
Just as I heard that, the doorbell rang. Bella was standing there, and upset wasn't the right word for how she looked. Her eyes were puffy and red, and there were several dried tears streaks down her face. Her breathing was short and broken, and she looked like she was going to start crying again.
"Bella," I said soothingly, instinctively drawing her close to me and putting my arms around her. "My sweetheart."
"Edward," Bella choked out finally, before bursting into tears against my shirt. "I saw Jacob, and-and it didn't go well, and–"
Immediately I sifting through the random thoughts I constantly received to find Jacob's. Once I recognized the mutt's voice, heard him replaying his last interaction with Bella over and over in his mind.
How did it happen that way? I kissed her, and I thought she would notice…I thought she would feel it too. Feel something between us. But instead, she never wants to see me again? Because of what? Why? She says I'm selfish, but doesn't she know that everything I do is because of her? Doesn't she know that I am sorry? That if I could use more words that sorry, I would? Doesn't she understand how much I love her?
She can't grow old with that bloodsucker. She can't even be in a real relationship with him. He doesn't eat the things she eats, drinks the things she drinks. They can't be together the way she's imagining. Not the way she and I could be together. The only way they could be together….
Bella would never….
At least, the Bella I used to know would never…
I growled to myself when I saw Jacob kissing Bella. The mutt was crushing her, forcing himself on her. Bella didn't even look comfortable. The thought alone wanted me to find him right now. But I pulled myself from Jacob's thoughts and refocused myself on Bella, who was still crying against my chest.
"Sweetheart," I murmured softly in her hair.
"Edward, I can't talk to him anymore," she was saying. "It hurts to much, because I love Jacob. I do. But he's hurt me so much recently, and I can't take it anymore. He's being irrational. You were right, he doesn't want to understand things. He doesn't care. He doesn't care about me."
"He cares about you," I replied. That much I can tell. "He just doesn't like us together."
"Then he doesn't care about me!" She cried out indignantly. "If he really cared about me, he'd understand how much you mean to me, how happy you make me, and he'd be happy for me about that." She backed away from me to wipe her eyes. "But he's not. He won't understand. And I can't accept him for that. He doesn't care about me," her voice trailed off for a moment, then she looked up at me with shiny brown eyes, "not like you do."
I smiled at her warmly, tucking her hair behind her ears and wiping away a rolling tear. "No, he doesn't care about you like I do," I whispered. "I love you, Bella Swan."
Her face lit up, her eyes dancing. "I love you, Edward Cullen."
I kissed her softly, tenderly, and I felt her relax in my embrace. In a gesture I couldn't resist, I swept her off her feet and carried her, bridal-style, it the house. Immediately, she started laughing, at the light in her face was one I recognized and very happy to see again. She hooked her arms around as I carried her up the stairs. Alice poked her head out of her room just as we reach the top stair.
"Oh Bella, it's so good to see you," Alice said.
"You can have your chance with her later," I said quickly, seeing visions of shopping and gossiping in my mind. "Me first."
Alice rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "Fi-ine," she said in a mock-angry voice, just before sticking her head back in her room.
Once I had us on the inside of my bedroom, I told her, "I hope you don't mind me intercepting Alice like that. I just don't feel like sharing you right now."
"You'll never have to share me Edward," Bella replied softly as I set her down on my bed. "I'm always and forever yours."
I smiled at her words, but suddenly my mind flashed back to Jacob: she can't grow old with him. The only way they could be together…but Bella would never….
"You make me feel incredible Bella," I told her softly, softly stroking the side of her face. "I wish I could be with you always and forever."
Her face crinkled into a frown. "What do you mean, you wish?"
I didn't want to say it: what I was thinking was the impossible. I didn't even want that for her – even with Alice's vision playing in my mind, I didn't want Bella to have to live the half-life that I lived. I couldn't do that to her: I loved her too much.
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter," I whispered to her. "Let's not talk about that." I smiled at her. "I just want to sit here and play in your hair if you don't mind."
She looked at me suggestively. "Or we could do something else if you want."
I pulled her closer to me, intrigued. "I'm guessing you have some good things in mind."
She playfully undid the buttons of my shirt. "Just some."
Bella
I wish I could be with you always and forever.
What had he meant from that?
I left Edward's house only a few minutes ago – Charlie had called us mid-disrobe and told me I needed to return home urgently. Even though I was completely willing to blow it off so that I could make up for all the lack of romance between my boyfriend and I, Edward urged me to go home. I made him promise to come see me tonight as soon as I called him before I left though, since Edward never went back on his promises.
When I did get home, the big emergency turned out to be Jacob – Billy Black had gone from hating me to begging for me to come over and see his son. I told Charlie that Jacob and I had gotten in a fight earlier today, and I wasn't in the right state of mind to see him so soon after it all. Charlie seemed to take this understandingly – partially because of my stellar delivery of this entire situation – and asked me to give Jacob a call in the morning.
I wasn't going to do that, but I agreed to it anyway.
When I went upstairs, I instinctively was going to call Edward right away, but even as I had my finger on the speed dial, I stopped. It was random how it came back to me – Edward's words – but once they reentered my consciousness, there was no getting rid of them.
I wish I could be with you always and forever.
A small part of me wondered if Edward wanted to break up: that the last week and a half that had me in a miserable daze of Jacob made him think that we shouldn't be together anymore. But I pushed that part of me aside – I was pretty sure that if Edward wanted to break up, he would just do it: he was never one to beat around the bush with me anyway.
But then what could he be talking about? Why couldn't we be together forever?
I threw myself on my bed and racked my brain for possibilities. I was missing something vital. It shouldn't even be this complicated…
…And then it hit me. Hard.
How could I have been so dense to this in the first place!
I wasn't immortal!
Edward and I couldn't be together forever because only he could actually live forever.
Suddenly, my brain went into overdrive. Couples far and wide always talk about being together forever, but at some point, someone has to die. But with Edward – as a vampire – we could actually be together forever. We would walk this earth for decades, centuries, millenniums: hand in hand, deeply in love.
I could have forever with Edward. I would just have to become a vampire first.
But to give up humanity Bella? I turned on my bed, facing my bedside table. There was a picture of my mother and I on the surface. How would to her – to anyone I knew – that I was no longer human, but a character from fiction novels once thought to be…well, fiction? Could I even speak to my mother again? I knew about how Edward and his family had to be continuously on the move before people started to notice that they never aged. I wouldn't even be able to tell my mother that I was now a vampire, I would just have to get away from her before she began to notice that I wasn't getting any older. My life would never be the same again – I wouldn't even be alive.
But the only alternative means giving up Edward. I turned to my right, now facing the window that I would be expecting Edward from later on. I loved him. I would never love anyone else the way I love him, I knew that already. The only other person who I could have had feelings for like this, was Jacob…and that wasn't going to work out. No, it was only and forever going to be Edward. And there was only one way to have him forever, the way I knew that I needed him forever.
Vampire.
Blood makes me queasy, and I would have to feed from it. Renee and Charlie: they both mean so much to me, even if I don't really see my mother as much anymore, and Charlie and I have an estranged relationship. They're still my parents, and I would have to say goodbye to them, forever.
But I love Edward, and I love his family. I even love Rosalie, who had been considerably less mean to me lately, although certainly not friendly yet. But more importantly, I loved Edward, and the thought of not being with him always and forever was too much to bear.
Vampire.
It was strange how this had never crossed my mind once before, becoming a vampire. Edward was felt like such a regular guy that it was so easy to forget that he was a vampire. I had gotten used to his cold skin, his strong grip and the superhuman speed and gracefulness. He just seemed like anyone else to me, except much more fantastic.
But he was a vampire, and the only way to be with him the way I wanted us to be together, was to become a vampire as well.
I called Edward, absently, still caught up in my own thoughts. "Hey, listen," I said quietly. "Will you meet me in the meadow tomorrow morning?"
"Realized that sneaking me in is not the right way to go about things?" Edward joked.
"Oh stop it, silly, I'm just really tired," I lied. "But I want to see you tomorrow. At about nine-thirty, okay?"
"I'm looking forward to it."
"I love you."
"I love you too Bella."
We hung up the phone and I stared at it for a long time before finally putting it away. My mind was still reeling, and I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep for a long time.
I'm off right now to work on the follow-up chapter, while I still have Free Time on my side and Life pinned down to the floor. Next thing you know, Life comes at me again and Free Time gets away!
But before I go, I do want to share with you all that I recently watched The Ugly Truth with Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler, and it was QUITE entertaining! I recommend it highly for any and all to watch.
Will update as soon as I can! Thank you all for your paitence with me!
Review please!
--Brin--
