I had retreated to my room.I had once again been debating about leaving to be on my own. I hated feeling weak. This is how I felt now. It never bothered me before that I didn't have a mate. That was until Alice stated that Edward had found his. I sighed and turned up my iPod.
Why did I have to be so selfish? Why can't I just be happy that everyone else is happy? I kept returning to the same conclusion. It was because I was me. If I couldn't be happy no one could be. How could they want me to stay knowing who I really was? Maybe they didn't notice because it was part of my talent, or maybe it was because I was the only one who had yet to tell their human story. I didn't want them to know about who I was. It hurt to much to think about the things I was to weak to do.
"Well
I'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over,
Try
to do it right this time around
It's not over
But a part of me
is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the
only one
It's not over.
You can't let this get away
Let it
out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out."
I sang along softly with one of my favorite songs. 'Its Not Over.' By
Daughtry.
I turned off my music when I heard movement outside of my door. I opened the door before the spy had a chance to knock. "Charlotte." I said unable to hide the surprise in my voice.
She smiled unable to meet my gaze. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any thing by what I said."
"I have just been a little off lately. Don't take it personally. There is nothing you should feel guilty about." I said giving her a hug. "You know that I'll always love you my sister."
She smiled a happy smile. "And you know I will always love my big brother." She paused. "Esme wanted you to come back downstairs."
I nodded but didn't move. She took my hand and lead me to the living room where Jasper and Emmett were trying to teach Peter how to play human video games.
"Don't feel bad Peter. I don't understand them either." I said trying not to laugh at the mix of confusion and frustration on his face.
"He is worse then you are." Emmett laughed.
"He hasn't had much time to practice. Give him a break."
After a few more minutes Peter gave up trying. "We should do something else." He stated.
"How about....we go for a drive?" I suggested. My brothers looked at me puzzled. "What? I don't see any of you offering ideas. I'll even let you drive if you want." I told Peter.
Jasper and Emmett gaped at me open mouthed. "Whats wrong with them?" Peter asked looking concerned.
"You'll let HIM drive your car? But I can't? He has never drove a car before!" Jasper yelped.
"I never said you couldn't drive my car Jazz. I said I would have to think about it."
Jasper scowled at me. Emmett laughed at the look on Jasper's face. "How about a race instead?" Peter offered.
"Sure. How far?" Emmett asked.
"How about we go as far as we can?" I offered. My brothers looked at me skeptically but agreed.
We got ready to take off waiting for Esme to start us off. Alice dashed in front of me right before Esme told us to go. "What the hell!?" I growled.
"I saw your plan. It won't work. I'll drag you back if I have to." Alice stated.
"I have no idea what on earth you are talking about."
"You want to leave again."
After she said this everyone waited watching me. I blinked. I didn't think I had made up my mind yet.
"Honestly Alice, what are you going on about?" I asked.
"It was cloudy but I saw it." She insisted.
"Most of your visions about me are inconclusive and wrong."
She looked as if I had slapped her. Jasper was at her side by the time I had finished saying it. "That was a rude thing to say." Jasper hissed.
"Alice, I really think you need to stop focusing on me. Maybe you should go spy on Edward and make sure he doesn't kill Bella." I stated.
She flinched in Jasper's arms. He looked about ready to kill me. "Alice, don't listen to him. You are very accurate. Its not your fault that you can't see is future. He is to mixed up to make an actual choice in life." There was venom in the words he spoke.
I once again fled to my room. I was a coward. To weak to leave, and to afraid to stay. I didn't even notice Alice had entered my room until I felt her hug me. "I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry I didn't let you go." She whispered.
I shifted on my couch and pulled her into my lap. "You shouldn't be sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did. I don't think I can leave, but I don't want to hurt everyone."
She shook her head. "Your acting like you have to leave. We'll miss you. I don't want you to leave."
"I'll only hurt you more if I stay. I feel like I am losing my mind. One minute I'm fine and the next..."
"You and Jasper can work on that. Maybe you need a hobby or something. I think it will be better if you stay." She paused a moment. "Before you changed your mind I had a vision." I nodded to show I was listening. "You were with someone. You looked happy. I think she might be the one."
I thought about this for a moment. "I don't know if I have enough self control to be that close to a human." I hesitated not wanting to hurt her feelings. "I'm not as strong as Edward."
"I have faith in you Kazz." She smiled.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the new nickname. "Where did with this one come from?" She had come up with my nickname KC right after we joined the Cullen's because of the confusion.
"Its only fair. Jasper gets called Jazz so you can be Kazz."
"Oh joy!" I said sarcastically. As if on cue Jasper came in. "Have you come to save me from your wife?" I asked.
"Sure." He chuckled as Alice danced out of the room. "I didn't mean what I said." He stayed in the door way as he spoke.
"There seems to be a lot of that going around. Anyway its not your fault. I shouldn't have said that to Alice. I feel like a jerk."
"I would really like to talk to you about why you have been acting so odd. We know why Edward has been acting like he lost his mind, but its different with you. You have always been calm and collected. It would take a long time for you to react to something that bothered you. You are my brother, and what ever deep dark secret you have isn't going to change that. Esme and Carlisle worry about you as much as they worry about Edward's love for this human. I know that you worry about how things will turn out someday. I also know that you have been feeling weak and worthless. I want to know why." He paused.
"I'm fi-"
"Don't even say it. Its not the truth. I felt the same way you do now before Alice. I honestly don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for you after Peter left. If Alice says there is someone out there I believe it. You should too. You deserve your own Alice. Have hope." He finished.
