"What do you think of this one?" Magnus asked, waving the pencil just under Alec's nose. "I can decide if it's too light or too dark." He scowled at it, squinting his eyes. He was in process of drawing a dress, but had gotten to the colours and gotten completely stuck.
Alec looked up at him, laughing a little and shaking his head. "You're bein' crazy. It all looks pink to me." He didn't seem to notice the affronted look that Magnus gave him as he went back to sketching. Magnus was delighted that Alec was letting him look at the drawings. They were a mixture of buildings that Magnus could recognize — like a very accurate one of the Lightwood house from the back — and ones that Magnus had never seen before.
"Is this a head building or a physical building?" Magnus asked, peering over Alec's shoulder.
"What?"
"Is it something you've thought up or something you've seen?" Magnus said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh." Alec said, glancing down at the drawing and blushing slightly. "It's something I made up."
Magnus looked a little closer this time, admiring his boyfriends work. It was good, better than good, it almost looked professional. There was the obvious lack of the technically aspects — math and all that — but it was completely to scale and almost beautiful. There was a tiny bit of shading around the edges and from what Magnus could tell, it was an enormous house. There were a lot of elements of the Lightwoods' house, but it was different enough that Magnus was in awe.
"I'm going to build it one day." Alec whispered and Magnus looked at him surprised.
"Are you really?"
"That's the plan."
Magnus leaned all the way back, his head falling by Alec's feet. They'd been sitting in the library for ages, on the floor, just drawing. Isabelle had come in once to tell them that they were going to catch a disease from all the dust, but Alec just told her to go away. It was kind of magical and Magnus felt like a person in a fairytale. Or at least someone sitting on a very fairytale-like floor with a very fairytale-like gentleman. Alec wasn't sitting on the floor as much as he was sprawled on it. He was lying on his stomach, drawings spread around him — some Magnus', some Alec's — and the pencils and pencil crayons they'd been using were rolling all over the hardwood.
"I'd like to see your building." Magnus blurted, glad that Alec couldn't see the flush that was rising on his cheeks.
"I'd like you to see it." Alec mumbled, just loud enough that Magnus could hear him. There was a calm silence over the rest of the library, settled over it like a blanket. It made Magnus feel like he and Alec were huddled in a fort, sharing whispered secrets that no one else would ever be allowed to hear. "It's goin' to be my house you know. I'm going to build it and live in it."
"Really?"
"Yep." Alec smiled looking over his shoulder at Magnus. "I'm going to live in it so that everyday I can remind myself that I'm doin' what I love."
"That's going to be very hard to build in New York." Magnus said, hoping it was a subtle enough way to bring up Alec moving. They had barely even started to talk about it, but it wasn't something Magnus wanted to leave forever. He desperately wanted to stay with Alec, sometime in the future he wanted to be able to be with him.
Alec was silent, his pencil stilling on the paper. "I can't imagine moving to New York." He said quietly. Magnus wanted to groan and throw a hissy fit, because Alec seemed to be the king of avoiding conversations that need to happen. "I know that you want to talk about this," well, at least he was getting the hint, "but I have no idea what my answer would be."
"Is it leaving your parents? Is it still about Isabelle, Jace and Max?"
"I don't know, I think it's leaving here. If I'm honest, I can't imagine life outside of here. I really can't. I've lived here my whole life, in this tiny little bubble of a town and while being in New York sounds exciting, it's also a little bit terrifying." Alec said, still not meeting Magnus' eyes as he doodled on the edge of the paper.
"I know." Magnus said, though he was certain that they both knew he didn't really have anything to compare it to. Coming to Texas was like entering the bubble and the people here had been nothing if not welcoming. New York wasn't going to be like that, it really wasn't. "But I just want you to see it. I just want you to come and see the buildings and meet my friends. I want to give this a chance."
"Why couldn't you move here?" Alec asked suddenly, looking up at Magnus. Magnus almost recoiled, because of all the things he thought Alec was going to say, that wasn't one of them.
"What?"
"It's always, 'let's move to New York', I don't see why you can't be the one who moves here."
Magnus was silent for a moment. He loved the town, he really did. But he wasn't sure this was where he wanted to live forever. "I don't know."
Alec sighed. "You're always so willin' to move things along and to drag me with you. But maybe I want to stay here. I like it here, this is home. You come from a big city where the people aren't very nice and it's always noisy. I don't think I can handle that." He shook his head, slowly sitting up so that his knees touched Magnus'.
"You want me to come stay here?"
"Why not?"
Why not? Magnus could think of a dozen reasons, but they weren't very good. They were all people or places that he liked, ones that weren't all that important to him — other than his friends. He thought of Alec and the places that he'd taken Magnus, the way that he walked in and greeted the people who owned the store. He thought about the way that Alec knew everyone. And everyone knew him. And Magnus felt a pang of guilt, of shame, for ever trying to tear Alec away from the place he loved. But at the same time he wasn't sure he was ready to give up New York and he wasn't ready to give up Alec either.
"We can't go to school here." Magnus blurted, figuring that that was a big enough weakness that Alec couldn't overlook. There had to be some way to convince him to move to New York with Magnus.
"What? Like college?"
"Yeah." Magnus shrugged. "It would be very hard to go to college here. We'd have to drive for hours."
"I guess." Alec sighed. "But we could always come back and live here after college. We wouldn't have to live in a tiny apartment, we could actually have a house." He waved his hands around at the library and Magnus wanted to groan. Magnus lived in a house, that was true, but it was a tiny house by Texan standards and Alec would probably be hesitant to even call it a house.
"It's New York!" Magnus cried. "It's the Empire State Building and Rockefeller Center. Wall Street and Broadway."
Alec shook his head. "I just don't think I can move all the way over there. What if this doesn't work? What if we break up and I'm stuck in a city that I don't like. Here is good, here is safe."
"But New York is an adventure." Magnus laughed, before his laugh filtered out and he looked at Alec sadly. "This is never going to work." Magnus said slowly. "We're always going to be opposites. We're never going to be able to make the both of us happy."
"You make me happy." Alec said, biting his bottom lip. "I don't know what we're going to do in the future, but for now I like being here with you and I don't want that to change."
"God no. You're the best thing about this place."
"Really? And here I thought you were starting to like it." Alec laughed a little, raising an eyebrow at Magnus.
"Oh I really am." Magnus snorted. "That's the dangerous part. But I think without you I would have never made it this long. You made me want to enjoy it. You made me like it."
"You say that like I forced you."
Magnus didn't say anything, just grabbed Alec's chin and pulled him in for a kiss. It was soft and almost innocent, chaste and sweet. Alec made Magnus feel like a little kid, planning a utopia of a future and tumbling closer to love each time Alec grabbed his hand. Magnus wanted to kiss Alec forever, until the rest of the world had crumbled and fallen around them. But it was almost halfway through the summer and Magnus wanted to savour Alec's company, bathe in it. He wanted to be able to remember conversations and the look on Alec's face when he laughed. Remembering Alec was so much more than remembering a kiss and Magnus wasn't sure the last time he'd thought that about any of his boyfriends.
"We really shouldn't be worrying about this so much, should we?" Magnus snorted. "Oh my god. It's not even legal for us to get married here and we're talking about it like we have to pick up and move our seven kids and pet cat."
Alec laughed. "Seven? You want seven kids? That's it, this is over."
"Leaving me so soon." Magnus smirked, faking a gasp. "What will the neighbours think? Poor Magnus the second, Alec the second, Isabelle the second—"
"Are we naming our children after everyone we know and just tacking 'the second' at the end?"
"Pretty much." Magnus shrugged. "I'm not very good with names. All my barbies were named Barbie."
"You had Barbies? Your dad was okay with that?" Magnus didn't blame him for the surprise, Robert and Maryse didn't seem like the kind of parents to buy their sons dolls, no matter how much they loved them.
Magnus snorted. "My father has long since gotten over that I'm not straight. And even my straight guy friends loved my barbies, that's just some weird gender conformity idea."
"Well alright then." Alec laughed. "Whatever you say."
"I'm going to buy all our children Lego and barbies, whatever they want."
"Wow, Jace the second is going to be spoiled ro—"
"We are not naming our child after Jace." Magnus said, stopping Alec in the middle of his sentence and when Alec opened his mouth to reply, Magnus shook his head again. "We are not."
"So," Alec said, tapping a finger against his chin. "We've got Isabelle Junior, I think we can both agree on that one. How about Camille?"
"I like the name. I love the person." Magnus whipped out a purple pencil crayon, nodding. He grabbed a spare sheet of paper and began to scribble things down.
Alec peered over his shoulder. "Are you writing this down?" Magnus nodded and Alec laughed. "Alright then, but we're not naming any of our children after us. That's just weird."
Magnus sighed. "If you insist, but I happen to think the name Magnus is one that we should continue through the Bane-Lightwood line."
"Why not Lightwood-Bane?" Alec said. "I think it sounds better that way."
Shaking his head, Magnus tapped his purple pencil against his nose. "Everyone knows you go alphabetical."
"I think—"
"Alec, we're discussing hypothetical names for hypothetical children. They can have a made up last name. Hell, we could combine our names," Magnus grinned, "what about Lightbane? Banewood?"
Alec sighed. "Okay fine, Bane-Lightwood will do."
Magnus nodded, adding it to the top of the paper with an over exaggerated flourish. He beamed at Alec and kissed him on the cheek. "I knew you'd come around." Humming, Magnus went back to suggesting ridiculous names for the seven hypothetical Bane-Lightwood children. "What about Apple?"
"What about apples?"
"No, Apple. As a name."
"You're kidding me right?" Alec asked raising an eyebrow and grabbing a blue pencil crayon. "We're not naming our child Apple."
"Why not?" Magnus pouted. "Gwyneth Paltrow did."
"We're not Gwyneth Paltrow."
"You're not." Magnus huffed. "I on the other hand—" He burst into giggles as Alec shoved his shoulder, sending him rolling away.
They took turns, adding and scratching out names from the list, slowly building it up until they had almost all seven children named. They were in a large debate over the name Peach Cobbler, which Magnus thought was endearing and Alec thought was the start of a long road of bullies, when Isabelle poked her head in the door and saw them lying on the ground, surrounded by a sea of half done drawings and bickering about a paper covered in purple and blue scrawl.
"What are you guys even doing in here?" Isabelle sighed. "If you haven't caught an STD from all the dead skin in here, you can come and have lunch."
"We're naming our seven hypothetical children." Magnus said, not a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"God." Isabelle huffed, looking at the ceiling. "Three things. One, there had better be an Isabelle Junior in there somewhere. Two, don't let Mum see you doing this, she'll think you've lost your shit. Three, you've lost your shit." And so Isabelle walked away, rolling her eyes and tossing her black waterfall of hair over her shoulder.
Magnus and Alec watched her go for a moment, before bursting into laughter. They looked down at the list of names and Alec sighed. "I think we should nix Ragnor Junior."
"You're going to break his hea—"
"Magnus." Alec said, looking Magnus dead in the eyes. "We are not naming our child Ragnor. Ragnor."
Magnus clamped his mouth shut. "Yeah, okay. That seems fair." They debated over names for a few more minutes, Magnus suggesting Apple again and Alec bringing up Kevin — which received a dead-pan from Magnus. Finally, they were decided.
So, Alec dragged himself to his feet. He held out a hand to Magnus and pulled his boyfriend off the floor. He cast a brief glance down at the papers, before shrugging. "We'll come back for them after lunch." Magnus nodded and brushed off his jeans. Alec smiled briefly before grabbing a piece of tape and sticking their list of names up on one of the book cases.
MAGNUS AND ALEC'S (HYPOTHETICAL) FAMILY
1. Alec Junior
1. Austin
2. Magnus Junior
2. Apple
2. Peach Cobbler
2. Peaches
3. Isabelle Junior
4. Adam Levine Junior
5. Ragnor Junior
5. Will Junior
5. Kevin (?)
5. Josh
5. Damian
6. Camille Junior
7. Jace Junior
7. Jem Junior
7. James Junior
7. Jasper
—
Lunch was it's usual insane affair. There were claims of Alec being an alien, remarks that everyone was thankful they weren't genetically related to Jace, and Maryse being generally fed up with all of their antics. There was a brief interlude where they had Robert decide which one of them was most likely to be an alien — most expecting him pick Alec, as previously mentioned. Much to their amusement, he went with Magnus because he said he hadn't actually met Magnus' parents so there were no promises.
"I can't believe your father thinks I'm an alien." Magnus giggled, his hand loose in Alec's as they made their way back to the library after lunch. Magnus had eaten almost two whole sandwiches and he felt like exploding, though it was nothing on the three Alec and Jace had eaten apiece. Every meal it felt like they were having a contest to see who could eat more and still be skinny.
Alec turned around, blue eyes bright. He kissed Magnus, soft and slow again. "Cutest alien I've ever met."
Magnus felt himself flush as Alec turned away and they went back into the musty library. He noticed some picture frames on top of one of the shelves and he walked over, brushing the dust off of them to take a look. It was a picture of a younger Maryse and Robert, their arms around each other in almost picturesque happiness.
But seeing Maryse that young again sent a shiver down Magnus' spine. "I can't stop thinking about that picture." Magnus said, his voice just barely audible over the rustling of the papers Alec was picking up. He put down the pile he was neatly arranging and walked over to Magnus. Magnus couldn't move as Alec tilted his chin up.
"Which picture?"
Magnus waved his arm slightly. "The one in the album, the one of the guy that looked like me."
"How long has it been bugging you?"
"I don't know." Magnus said, his voice shaky. "Since I saw it I guess. It's not on the top of my mind, because I'm trying to ignore it. But it's there."
"Why is it bothering you?" Alec asked, shaking his head. "He's probably a distant cousin of your mum's or something."
"Alec." Magnus said, causing Alec to freeze. "I—I look nothing like my Dad. Nothing. People didn't even believe he was my dad sometimes, I think people thought he was kidnaping me. What if…"
"What if?"
"What if he's not? What if my dad isn't my dad?"
Alec's mouth went slack for a moment. "What? You think the man in the photo is your birth father?"
"Isn't it possible?" Magnus said gnawing on the inside of his cheek. "I mean she knew him before and there were so many times when she and my dad weren't—great."
"Magnus, are you thinking this through? You're suggesting something kind of crazy. He lives — or at least lived — here. You're mother was in New York."
Magnus nodded. "I just can't shake the feeling that there's something off. He looks just like me. He has my eyes. No one has my eyes."
"No one." Alec repeated, his brow knotting slightly.
"Not even any of my grandparents."
"Call her." Alec said suddenly. "She's the only one that would really know who that man was, talk to her and just ask. She can't blame you for wondering who he was."
"My phone's in my room." Magnus said slowly. Alec nodded and grabbed Magnus' hand again, leading him out of the library before they'd even been there very long. They were back out in the blinding sunlight of the foyer, the windows sending shafts of light onto the ground. They went up the stairs and into Magnus' room. He'd left the blinds down and it was dark, his eyes taking a moment to adjust.
His phone was sitting on the bed, where Alec picked it up and pressed it into Magnus' hand. Magnus looked down at the phone and Alec smiled softly. He touched Magnus' wrist and Magnus looked up at him. Alec's smile faded a little at the look of worry on Magnus' face, but he stepped away all the same. Magnus reached out for him, wanting desperately not to have to make the call. His eyes fell back to the phone in his hand, feeling the weight more than anything.
"This is driving you crazy, I can't believe I didn't notice it before. You have to talk to her." Alec said. "Alone. I can't help you with this one. This is between you and her."
"I can't do this."
"You can." Alec tilted Magnus' head back, giving him that soft, sad smile again. "You are strong, you are brave, and you make me feel like I can do anything. I don't know if that feeling is misplaced in me, but it certainly isn't in you. You can do anything."
Magnus opened his mouth, intending to stop Alec from telling him all these nice things. But all that came out was. "What's she going to say, what if we're right? Oh god."
"You'll have to ask her." Alec said slowly. "I honestly don't know. You're goin' to have to talk to her, but I'm in this with you. No matter what she says, we'll work from there."
"So why can't you stay?"
"Because this isn't my place." Alec shook his head. "I was raised by a mother who is all about manners and personal lives being personal—"
"I shattered your personal life with a hammer."
Alec laughed. "And I adore you for it. Now, call your mother, this conversation is long overdue I'd imagine."
"And then you'll come back?" Magnus asked, hoping he didn't sound as small and pathetic as he felt. Going by the look on Alec's face, he really did.
"I'll be right over in my room. Come and find me when it's over." Magnus nodded and Alec pressed one quick kiss to Magnus' temple before he left. Magnus didn't watch him go, his eyes focussed on the phone in his hand, he heard the door close and felt himself wilt.
The room was completely silent, the other Lightwoods too far away to fell the tension that was filling Magnus' room and suffocating him. "I can do this." He whispered.
The few moments of silence before the phone began to ring were the longest of Magnus' life. Every possible situation went through his mind and for a heartbeat he prayed she wouldn't pick up.
"Magnus?" Magnus' mother's voice was bright and happy. She was surprised he'd called, delighted that he'd called. Magnus felt a pit of lead settle in the bottom of his stomach.
"Hi Mum."
"How's Alec? How's everything over there?"
Magnus could hear the strain in his own voice. He sounded hollow to his own ears, like a robot that was trying to imitate emotion, not quite there. Somewhere caught in a state of monotone, not matter what he was trying to convey. "Good, I guess." He wanted to be happy, wanted to have a brief second of innocent conversation. But the worry that had been building for weeks was breaking free, water spilling out of the dam. There was no stopping it now and he could feel it.
"Are you okay? You sound worried." Magnus wasn't sure worried was the right word, but he figured it was better to say something now. Now or never.
"I need to talk to you about something."
"Anything, I'm all ears." She was still happy, still
"I want you to be completely honest with me. I'm not a little kid and I don't want to be treated like one. I want the full, honest truth."
There was a pause and Magnus knew that she was starting to feel nervous, nervous in the same way that he was, waiting for words on the other end of the phone. She had no idea the words she might receive, but Magnus felt he was going to get one of two answers. Yes or no. "Alright. Now, what's the matter?" Everything.
"I don't know how to explain it." He blurted, before he could help himself. It was still easy to talk to his mother. It wasn't something he could control. The moment he heard her voice, Magnus was spilling his guts no matter what he wanted.
"Is it Alec?" Magnus thought about Alec, about wonderful, wonderful Alec. He thought about the horseback rides and the picnics. He thought about singing songs and drawing pictures. And he responded honestly.
"No, not at all."
"Alright then." She waited and Magnus tried to force air into his lungs. He tried to calm his heart, convince it to beat normally and forget what he was trying to say. He wished for a moment that he didn't need to ask, but knew more than anything that he did. "Dad isn't my dad is he?"
Silence.
It was one of the longest silences of Magnus' life. There had been a moment, only heartbeats before when he'd thought that waiting for her to pick up the phone was bad. He thought it was almost unbearable. Now, he knew that this was what it meant to wait. To be on the edge of your seat, a mixture of terrified and disbelieving. Magnus wasn't sure what was going to happen now, but the words had left his mouth and all he could do was wait.
"What?" Her voice was quiet, a little more than a gasp. And as Magnus heard her tone, he knew that he was right. He knew somewhere deep down that he was right.
"When I was little, people thought I was adopted. When I went places with Dad, people found it hard to believe that I was his son. He's always been so distant and I just wondered if there was a reason."
"Magnus, that was never your fault. Never." Magnus didn't want to say anything. It
"It's true isn't it? Dad isn't my dad." He was almost whispering into the phone, unable to bring his voice up. He couldn't believe the words were leaving his lips.
"He's not your birth father, no."
"Oh my god." It was different hearing it aloud, and Magnus felt himself tremble. There were no tears, because he was in complete shock. It was always different, having to hear the words aloud, a confirmation of something that he was almost certain he already knew. But it was different, hearing the words come out of his mother's mouth and knowing that there was no taking them back. Magnus could feel himself getting choked up, his walls crumbling and sending him to his knees. It was the missing piece in Magnus' life, the one that explained his parents always being distant, the moments when his mother would look at him with an unbearable sadness.
"Magnus, you have to understand. I knew him from when I went to meet Maryse. I met him there and he was wonderfully charming." Magnus' mind went to the picture, his real father clearer than ever in his mind, sharp in the sea of soft smudges and blurred edges. "Your birth father came to visit me in New York. Your Dad was working late all the time and I was lonely. We met up for drinks and things fell apart. It was a mistake, but it was one that gave me you. I consider it to be the single greatest mistake I've ever made. I wouldn't trade you for the world. I had so many regrets about that night, so many things that I couldn't believe I'd done. I found out I was pregnant and my mind went into overdrive. I panicked. I had no idea if who's baby you were. I didn't know until after you were born—"
"My eyes. It was my eyes." Magnus said, remembering the letter that he'd seen. The one where he'd had blue eyes. The letter from before his mother was depressed.
"They changed colour. So many babies are born with blue eyes. I thought that maybe I was lucky and you had your Dad's blue eyes. But then they changed and I was so scared that I was going to lose everything. I became depressed because I couldn't stand the thought of losing your Dad and you. I never wanted you to be ashamed of who you were or imagine that I loved you any less. But I couldn't look you in the eyes without feeling what I'd done. And that made it worse. I was a mother who couldn't even look her baby boy in the eyes."
"I'm sorry." It was out before he could stop himself, a reflex.
"No baby." She said quickly, a laugh flirting on the edge of her tears. "Never be sorry, never. This isn't your fault. It was never your fault and it was never your choice. Life happens. I shouldn't have done what I did, but that doesn't ever change how much I love you." Her voice faltered at the end and Magnus' hand went up to his hair. He ran his fingers through his hair, wanting to tug on it and yet somehow unable to.
"My Dad isn't my Dad." He said softly, letting the words sink in. He thought about when he was younger and his Dad tried to spend time with him, understand what was going on in his mind. His Dad worked so much that Magnus often thought he ignored Magnus because he didn't like him. Magnus wondered suddenly if his Dad didn't love him because he'd always known deep down that Magnus wasn't his.
"Oh no, that's not true." His mother's voice was firm, suddenly devoid of the tears and regret. She was shaking her head, Magnus could almost sense it. The thought of her shaking her head adamantly made him smile for a moment. "Magnus, your Dad is your Dad because he chose to be. He looked at you and knew that you weren't his. But he never loved you any less. He never loved you any less for being bisexual and he never loved you any less for not being his biological son. You are his son in every way that matters."
In every way that matters. The days at the zoo or the nights when Magnus slept on the stairs waiting for his Dad to come home. It was easy to think that being a parent was simply biology, that it was being half of the gene pool. But Magnus thought back to all his time growing up and he thought about how much his father had tried to be there for him. Every spare second spent trying to find the time to understand Magnus. All the years that Magnus had pushed him away and he'd come back, like a parent really would. He almost couldn't breathe.
"I don't know what to do."
"I can't tell you what you should do. That's up to you I think. But know this, I'm sorry. Not because I had you. I don't think I will ever be able to regret that. You're my baby Magnus and I love you. But I'm sorry because you will have to come to terms with this and you're suffering because of my mistake. I was never distant because I didn't love you, it was because I didn't think I was deserving of loving you. I never wanted to be too close to you, to punish myself for letting you be the child of an affair. And I'm so sorry."
"It's okay Mum."
"Magnus, I understand if you're mad." Magnus thought for a moment that she was right. He had every right to be mad, didn't he? But somehow he wasn't. Somehow the news was settling into him and he found himself calm again. There wasn't a hint of panic or lie in his voice when he said:
"I'm not. I'm just confused, a little upset but not at you."
"Do you want to come home?" She asked timidly. Magnus was briefly surprised. It made sense for her to offer, thinking he was perhaps too upset to stay even a moment longer. But it hadn't even occurred to Magnus that he could go home, that he could just stand up and leave Texas behind.
"Not yet. I think I'm going to stay." Magnus tried not to smile, thinking of Alec. He most certainly didn't want to leave Alec. Not yet.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I love you Mum." He poured warmth into his words, imagining the love he felt for his mother spilling into every edge and corner of them. He thought of her, sitting at home in New York and having the conversation she'd been dreading for more than a decade. And Magnus made ever effort he could to convey what he had to in those four words. Because she meant the world to him, no matter what she'd done or who his father was. Because she was his mother.
"I love you too Magnus, more than anything." She sounded relieved, almost disbelieving.
Magnus realized he had one more thing to ask his mother. Something very important. "Mum, what was his name?" There was a pause and Magnus waited with baited breath.
"His name is Asmodeus."
—
Magnus barely even knocked on Alec's door before he opened it and stumbled in. Alec was reading, but he sat up and put the book on his bedside table. They were silent for a moment before Magnus opened his mouth. He wasn't sure how he was going to break the news, he wasn't even sure how he'd gotten through the conversation he'd just had. Alec stood up and hugged him. Magnus thought for a brief moment how truly lucky he was, because Alec didn't even know the outcome of the conversation and here he was, but within a heartbeat Magnus was crying.
"What did she say?" Alec asked after a heartbeat.
"Oh you know." Magnus said, trying to keep things light as he rubbed tears away from his cheeks roughly. "The usual. She basically just tore down my world and left me to sit in the rubble. How's the book?"
"Not nearly as important." Alec said, brushing one of Magnus' tears away with painful gentleness. Magnus could feel himself on the verge of sobbing again. "So the man in the photo?"
"My real father apparently. Asmodeus."
"Wow."
"Yeah." Magnus said, sniffling. "But I guess I should have seen this coming. God, listen to me, I'm the whole package. I have an alcohol problem, a history of sleeping around and now I have daddy issues. What on Earth do you see in me?"
"You're really hot." Alec said with a cheeky smile, making Magnus laugh. His tone was more subdued as he pulled Magnus close. "C'mere you."
Magnus shuffled over to Alec's bed, throwing himself down on it and groaning. "I have no idea what to do now. I don't know if I should let this change everything or try and pretend it's not a thing."
"One time I tried to pretend that being gay wasn't a thing." Alec said, lying down next to Magnus. Magnus turned his head to the side, though Alec continued to look up at the ceiling. "It's funny," Alec said, in a tone that while light, assured Magnus that it wasn't funny at all, "it didn't work out too well."
"So I should let it change everything?"
"No." Alec shook his head. "Magnus, you're amazing. I think that if you let this change everything, you're going to be someone you won't quite recognize. Maybe that's what you want, but I'm certainly very attached to this you."
Magnus hummed and Alec stuck out an arm, pulling Magnus back into his chest. Magnus listened to Alec's heartbeat, feeling the tears sting his eyes again and letting out a shuddering sigh.
"What am I going to do?"
"I don't know." Alec said, running a hand through Magnus' hair gently. "But no matter what happens, you're never alone. I'm in this with you, that's a promise."
Magnus didn't say anything, he just let himself drift off on Alec's chest, listening to his heartbeat and trying not to imagine the way that his world was going to change.
