You're not dreaming. This is another chapter of Big City without a 6 month wait in between. Impossible? Apparently not. It is relatively short compared to most of the recent chapters, but it's my little Valentine's Day gift to you guys! Happy Valentine's Day! Have some sadness and conflicting emotions!


Magnus' mother was waiting at the gate. She looked small, the airport big and open around her. She was tiny, in front of a giant mouth threatening to swallow her. Her hands were up by her face, fingernails brushing the curve of her jaw. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Magnus tried to imagine going back to their usual distant relationship. But the moment that he saw her, he knew he wasn't going to be able to.

"Hi," he said softly. He stood a little ways away, like he wasn't sure who she was anymore. Like the woman that stood in front of him was nothing more than a stranger.

"Hello," she replied. Her eyes roamed over his face, devouring every inch of his skin. And then she surged forward, her skinny arms wrapping around his waist. He dropped his bags and hugged her back.

Magnus didn't hug his mother often, not like this. They hugged when they felt like they had to, because one of them was leaving on a trip, because one of them was, for a second, thankful. But this was a hug just to know that the other was there. It made Magnus think of being hugged as a child, shoving his face into her stomach and letting her brush his hair away from his eyes, hands lighter than air.

When she pulled away, Magnus was blinking back tears and he let her guide him out to the curb. They didn't talk much, Magnus mumbling small, unimportant details about his flight: the things he'd eaten, the movies they'd been offering on the plane (all horrible movies, as was the trend lately), and the annoying old lady who'd been sitting three rows behind him, harrassing the flight attendants. She nodded along, dragging one of Magnus' suitcases with incredible difficulty. Magnus would have helped, but getting the three suitcases from the conveyor belt to the arrivals gate had been almost impossible as it was.

"And then—"

"Magnus," his mother said, stopping and shaking her head. She held out a hand and flagged a taxi. "Are you okay?"

"What?"

"I know that it would have been hard to say goodbye." The taxi pulled up and Magnus' mother didn't look at him, just swept a stray piece of hair out of her eyes. "I want to make sure that you're holding up okay."

Perhaps it was normal for parents to care, to wonder, to probe. But Magnus and his mother had never really been close and these strange breeches in character when she looked him in the eyes and told him that she was concerned always felt somewhat bizarre. They always felt like something out of a movie, something distinctly seperate from real life. He wasn't sure what his line was, the way that he was supposed to react, the way that he was supposed to answer. Pouring his feelings out to her as they were loading his luggage into the back of a taxi seemed awkward, poorly timed and something that the director would surely edit out in the final draft of Magnus' life.

But, with no one to yell 'cut' and nothing to do to make the time go faster, Magnus just managed a somewhat tight smile and nodded. "Yeah," he said, knowing that his voice was too soft to make anything he said believable, "I'm okay."

Magnus' mother bit her lip and Magnus knew that she wasn't buying his obvious lie. All the same, she nodded sharply and got into the taxi, not asking anything else. "If you ever need to talk," she whispered once they were inside, "I'm here."

The rest of the drive was almost completely silent, Magnus looking out the window and drinking in the city that he was surprised how much he'd missed and his mother staring at the son who she was surprised how much she missed. There are things, Magnus thought, that never seem quite as wonderful until you haven't seen them in a while. Magnus watched the light catch on the skyscrapers, the people that walked with such purpose, the way that the entire city moved. There wasn't anything that was standing still—except perhaps the traffic, but this was New York after all.

"I missed it," Magnus admitted to his mother. They were stopped at a light and Magnus watched a gaggle of girls stumble across the road laughing. He could tell that they were native New Yorkers because they moved with the crowd, never once doubting where they were stepping.

She smiled and almost laughed, it came out a little breathy, "Magnus, no matter where you go, no matter how far you travel and no matter where you choose to raise your own children, you will always long for home. Some little part of you will always long for New York and it will call to you like the sea calls to its sirens." There was a note of sadness in her voice and Magnus wondered how often his mother thought of her home. How often she cried for its people, her people.

"The smell of hot sidewalks and pee has never been so comforting," Magnus smirked, urging a full laugh out of his mother.

The ride home seemed short and Magnus could barely drag his eyes away from the city for a heartbeat of it. It took his mind off of his aching heart to see something that was somehow so collectively alive. It was nothing like the view in Texas, nothing like rolling hills and nothing for miles. This was all the life compacted into a few blocks. And the moment he'd seen it, Magnus realized that Alec was right and he could never stray far from this insane place.

Magnus didn't realize that they were home until he looked over and his mother was urging him out of the cab and paying the driver. He stumbled back out onto the sidewalk and took his bags from the tired-looking cabbie. His mother ushered him inside.

And standing in the living room, were Magnus' friends.

Camille was smaller than he remembered. Ragnor's hair seemed lighter. Will's eyes seemed bluer. Tessa seemed more warm and Jem seemed more fragile.

There was a split second of silence, where Magnus was completely stunned to see them. It was like he'd forgotten their faces, he'd forgotten what it meant to see them breathing and smiling. He hadn't even been gone that long, but one look at them told him that it was long enough. He could feel tears welling in his eyes again and they were made no better when he imagined Alec teasing him for missing them so much.

"Is he dead?" Will asked, looking from Magnus to the rest of their friends as they all just stood there in silence. Tessa reached out to slap his arm, but Magnus surged forward and threw his arms around Will's neck. Will's arms went around Magnus perhaps in reflex, but Magnus felt them tighten around his waist as Will mumbled. "Yeah, yeah, we missed you too crazy."

Then it was a round of hugs, smelling Tessa's shampoo and hearing Ragnor's grumble when Magnus squeezed him too tight. Just looking at them Magnus thought that his lungs were going to burst.

"I'll help you get your bags upstairs," Camille insisted, taking the suitcase from Magnus' mum. "Then we were thinking about heading to the diner to catch up."

Oh god, the diner. Magnus felt like he was sinking back into his life, like he was letting all the little pieces slot into place around him. In Texas he'd always felt relaxed, like the human equivalent of honey, but here, he was at ease, but in control. Did that mean that he belonged here? There was part of him that wanted to believe that he belonged in Texas, with Alec. BUt another part that could feel the city in his bones, could feel the hum of life singing in his veins. His mind whirling, he followed Camille blindly up the stairs.

She dropped his bag and spun to face him.

"Okay," she said, sighing loudly, "I'm trying to be gentle cause I can't even imagine what you're going through emotionally right now, but what the hell is the matter with you?"

"What?"

"You look like someone hit you in the side of the head with a sledgehammer. Are you okay?"

Magnus paused, considering the question. It would be easy enough to say yes and to walk away, but lying to Camille always felt like a crime worse than it was. She was the kind of person who deserved the truth, from him at least. "I don't know." Everything felt like too much all of a sudden.

"What does that mean?" Her voice wasn't unkind.

"Cam, there's something I need to tell you."

Camille rolled her eyes. "Are you pregnant? Is it Alec's?" Magnus didn't reply and Camille's voice shifted from teasing to concerned in a matter of seconds. "Hey, whoa, what's going on? Is this about Alec?"

"No," Magnus paused, "kind of? It's more about me and I'm finally having that crisis that I swear everyone else had when they were thirteen." That was true, Magnus had always felt confident in himself, this feeling of certainty that he knew best, he knew himself more than anyone else was ever going to. And then right before high school, every single one of his friends had questioned who they were, they'd all gotten new clothes, new haircuts. They'd made new friends and left behind the childish hobbies that they would swear were never serious. It was this giant shift. But Magnus stayed the same, Magnus stayed bold and arrogant, he stuck by himself. Past, present, and future Magnus were all the same, he'd told Camille, certain that it was true.

"What crisis?"

"The 'who do I want to be in the future' crisis. The 'who am I right now' crisis. I thought that I knew." Magnus set on the edge of the bed, feeling the matress dip when Camille say next to him. "I thought that I was the only one who always had it figured out. I thought that it was never going to happen to me and I was always going to be like this. But then I met Alec and then I found out—" He sucked in a breath. He needed to tell her, but if he told her then everything was going to be real. Everything was going to be different.

"Is this the personal thing that you didn't want to tell me?"

"Yes."

"You don't need to tell me," Camille said softly, "I mean of course I want to know, but I'm not going to pressure you. I love you and I've missed you so much that I couldn't care less what you do or don't tell me. You can tell me whenever you're ready or you can never tell me at all."

Silence fell over them like a blanket. Magnus could hear their friends downstairs, making small talk and laughing brightly. But somehow it felt like it was just him and Camille. It was just the dust on his dresser and the little bit of light that was slipping past the blinds that Magnus must have left down when he left. There was no world outside of this room, no fathers, no ex-boyfriends, no Alec. He looked at Camille and he felt safe, but he also felt guilty. She would let him not tell her anything until he died, she would accept him and love him no matter what he did or didn't say.

"My dad isn't my dad."

"What?" Whatever Camille was expecting, that wasn't it. Her mouth popped open a bit and her eyes were wide. She was looking at Magnus like she was expecting him to laugh and tell her he was kidding.

"When I was in Texas I found out that my dad isn't my dad. I thoguht that he was, but my real father lives in Texas—"

"Jesus."

"I know," Magnus smiled ruefully. There was a kind of strangeness to it, that Magnus had always longed for something more exciting in his life, had thrived on gossip and drama for so long. Now that there was real drama in his life it felt like some kind of sick joke. He didn't realize that it would feel like this, that telling Camille and having this moment of stifling understanding would feel like his lungs caving in and the walls of the world collapsing.

"You met him, didn't you?"

Magnus nodded, remembering his father and the look that he gave Magnus as they left. "It wasn't quite what I was expecting."

"What does that mean?"

"He wasn't exactly okay with Alec and I—"

"The bastard," Camille said, with such fervour that Magnus couldn't help but laugh.

Will always said that Camille was too quick to judge. She was too loyal and too stuck in her own ways to believe anything other than what the person she cared for told her. Magnus couldn't imagine anyone who loved as intensely as she did, who was willing to throw away everything that she knew because someone she loved told her otherwise. Perhaps it was a bad thing, perhaps Will was right, but Magnus had never learned to listen.

She looked at him then, eyes glistening. She was crying, for him, because she felt his pain the way that only a friend would.

It is hard to love, Magnus thought, when you have nothing to gain. That was what friendship was, love without expectation. Love without exception. Or at least what it should be.

"I really love you," Magnus said suddenly.

"What?" Camille looked startled. "I know sweetie, but I'm worried about your dad and you—"

"I'm okay," Magnus said, leaning into her shoulder, "and he's not my dad."

"But—"

It was hard to think about, this idea of nature against nurture in the most bizarre way. He thought about talking to his dad, the one that loved him and raised him no matter what blood ran through his veins. "I wasn't raised by him, he doesn't love me. It was stupid for me to think otherwise. I love my parents, not matter what their faults are, isn't that what family is supposed to be?"

Camille shook her head. "One day," she mumbled, "you're going to have to teach me how you're so wonderful."

"Anyways," Magnus sighed, "I miss Alec."

"I knew you would," she paused, "did you two break up?"

"Kind of?" Magnus frowned, just thinking of Alec made his heart hurt. He was glad that at least the drama with his family could be addressed in the past tense, was on the path to recovery. Magnus' broken heart was on its death bed, he wasn't sure there was a cure for this one. He wasn't sure he'd want one. "We're going to be friends," he explained, "we're going to talk because we're not sure we could just stop. But we're not together, we agreed to break up because it would be too much to do it over the phone, too horrible to have to do it on skype. I want to look at him and love him knowing that what's between us is over, not ending. It was too lovely a thing to die a slow, painful death. That wouldn't have been fair."

"Again," Camille said, "you're going to have to teach me how to be a person someday, because you seem to be killing it."


"So," Tessa smiled, "how was the trip?"

They were walking to the diner, a well-tred path that was ingrained in their memories. They didn't debate the way that they were walking of the streets that they took, they simply walked in a silly kind of formation through the streets of New York. Magnus had forgotten this feeling of routine, like falling back into familiar grooves. Camille walked with her arm looped through Magnus', in part because it was comfortable, but Magnus also knew it was in part because she wanted to comfort him without the others noticing. Will walked a pace in front of Jem and Tessa, two in front of Magnus and Camille. Ragnor brought up the back of their group, texting Catarina and trying to convince her to meet them at the diner.

"Why are you asking? We talked to him the entire fucking time," Will said, rolling his eyes dramatically. As much as Magnus wanted to throttle him, he also felt he should compliment Will for playing the moody teenager role so well. It must have been hard to be so moody and off-kilter.

"But now that it's over we can get the full summary." Jem's smile was soft and he touched Will's arm, just above the elbow, as though he was trying to beg for some semblance of patience.

"It was lovely," Magnus said, before Will could say anything more. "The Lightwoods were way too nice to me and the entire town was like something out of a movie. I swear, I can now understand why people long for the small town experience. It was actually really nice."

"And Alec?"

Magnus gave Camille a sideways grin, "you know exactly how Alec was." The girls disolved into giggles and though Will rolled his eyes, he held his tongue.

As they approached the diner, WIll held Magnus back as their friends went inside.

"Camille told me," Will blurted. Magnus couldn't imagine when Camille would have found the time to talk to Will without Magnus seeing or what she would have told him, so he waited. "About Alec."

"That we broke up," Magnus nodded. "Are you going to lecture me?"

Will didn't lecture Magnus. He wrapped his arms around Magnus and pulled him in for a hug.

"Two hugs in one day," Magnus sniped, "how ever did I get so lucky?"

"I think that it was smart, but I know that it was hard. I think you're a lot brighter, but also a lot stronger, than I give you credit for. I'm sorry for calling Alec a fling and giving you so much trouble about loving him. I know we agreed to be less dick-ish and I know we're kind of trying to just move on but I felt like I owed you some kind of apology." Will said everything very fast, almost under his breath. He spoke into Magnus' ear and let Magnus turned his head into his shoulder, trying to keep himself from crying.

"I miss him," Magnus admitted, "and that scares me. I don't want to be the kind of person who gives away the world for one guy—"

"Don't be silly," Will laughed, tonelessly, "you are exactly that kind of person. Magnus, you would give the world for the person you love."

"And for once, I think that he would give it back." Magnus's voice was a whisper. They pulled away and Magnus ran a hand through his hair, letting it flop down over his face. "I think that my father loved my mother so much that she could never do any wrong. Even when she hurt him, he loved her too much to see it and he accepted her faults and her mistakes without even thinking. What if I love Alec that much?"

"Are you afraid?"

"Of what?"

"Of him breaking your heart."

"Don't be silly Will. He already did."


Yay? Oops? I have no idea. To be honest, this is probably my least favorite chapter so far just because it's essentially empty, but it had to be done for the sake of logic. I felt like it would be a little weird to completely skip Magnus coming home.

Only two more chapters... I can probably turn this around to a happy ending right? (Don't worry there are more tears in the next chapter too)

xx

PS If you want to go and read something that's actually cute and well-written, go read Within The Stars's Valentine's Day one-shot because it made me smile so much my face hurt and it's definitely better than this filler chapter.