We're looking at one more chapter after this, so thanks for sticking with it. And, of course, thanks for reading!


"I need a laser screwdriver," Missy said.

"Absolutely not," Kate replied.

"What's a laser screwdriver?" Bill asked.

"Oh dear," Nardole contributed.

"I wasn't talking to you," Missy said. "I was talking to the TARDIS."

To everyone assembled, that sounded as sane as talking to a sofa or a rug. Despite the looks she was getting, Missy continued to address the ship. She wheedled, cajoled, and was in the middle of threatening when something slim and metallic popped up like a gopher from the control panel.

"Laser not sonic. What am I going to do with this, throw it at him?" Missy jabbed a finger at the center console like she was scolding a bad child and was not about to take any back-sassing. "I'm fighting a god, not a locked door. Try again."

The rejected sonic screwdriver disappeared. Missy waited expectantly for something more appropriate to take its place. After a minute of nothing, her foot began to tap.

"Fine, then I suppose we'll all just wait here and do nothing. Forever and ever. Or until the vengeful, genocidal orphan out there decides he'd like to come in here and pick up where he left off. Only with all of us, not just the Doctor. No offense, dearie, but you're not a spring TARDIS anymore. Those doors may not seal as well as they used to." Missy finished off her speech with a nonchalant shrug, as though she was not remotely bothered by the prospects she'd just laid out.

"That's a cheery thought," Nardole muttered. Bill nodded in agreement.

"And I'm sorry about turning you into a paradox machine. I won't do it again," Missy added.

There was a brief rattle from somewhere inside the control panel. A new object, this one more compact than the first, sprung up. Missy grabbed it before the TARDIS could change its mind.

Missy examined her new...barely functional disaster. She flipped the device (she was loath to call it a laser screwdriver, given the absolutely abysmal design) around in her hands, so she could hate it from all angles.

"Is this really the best you can do?" Missy demanded. "Look at this bit, what even is it? Do I floss my teeth with it?"

"Never mind how it looks, will it work?" Kate asked.

"In the same way a squirrel works as a wig."

"Right. How are we going to do this?"

"Hitting him in the face worked with the drone," Missy said. "No reason to fix what isn't broken."

"Will that buy us enough time to escape?"

Missy ran the calculations while humming an old sea shanty to herself. Some of the numbers she had to fudge, as she wasn't sure of an Osiran's reaction time, nor the species' tolerance to being shot with a laser.

"Maybe."

There was a collective groan from Bill, Nardole and Kate.

"But I do have a way to make that 'maybe' a little closer to 'probably.' Who's got the fastest reflexes?"

"Mantis shrimp," Bill said. "Saw it on the telly. It can punch a clam to death quicker than the human eye can follow."

The resulting silence made Bill feel like she was back in school and had just blurted out an answer so wrong neither her teacher nor classmates could begin to comprehend it. A blush rose in her cheeks.

"I did mean the fastest reflexes here," Missy said.

"Yep, got it the second I said a stupid bloody shrimp," Bill replied.

"But love the enthusiasm. You're the big winner."

"What?"

"You were quickest on the draw. Everyone else was standing around, doing who knows what with their wee monkey brains, but your wee monkey brain was working. So here's your prize."

Missy made jazz-hands at the control panel. Bill felt like her wee monkey brain was melting.

"I don't know what that means," Bill said.

"You get to fly a TARDIS!"

"Nope, no, I can't do that. I have no idea how. We'll all die."

"All you have to do is pull this lever. Everything's programmed, you're just turning the key." Missy made smaller, more-specific jazz-hands at the lever in question.

Bill's position on the floor didn't give her the best view of the lever. She gave the Doctor a quick look, hoping against hope he'd be awake and able to pilot the TARDIS. He wasn't. With a sigh, Bill got to her feet and stepped as close to Missy as she dared.

"This lever?" Bill asked, pointing. "The big one?"

"Seems likely," Missy replied.

"Missy! It is this one, right?"

The Time Lady ignored Bill's pleas for confirmation. She instead glanced at the ever-so-useful screen. It still displayed the view from the doors. Everything looked the same, the Osiran still immobile in the center of the room, except now there were fragments of the drone scattered everywhere. Sad, but it had died a warrior's death and its earthly remains weren't going to interfere with Missy's plan at all.

"Right, Shrimp Aficionado, I'm going to open this door just a crack and hope this rubbish screwdriver doesn't blow up in my hand. If I turn around, screaming, spraying blood everywhere, it has. Still, that might be enough of a distraction. I'd certainly stop and take a gander at a fabulously-dressed amputee. So pull the lever either way."

"Please, just call me I'm a Human I've Got a Name. I prefer that so much more," Bill begged.

Missy estimated where on the door face-high would be. She then eased the door open just wide enough to admit the laser screwdriver. She double-checked her aim and-

A hand shot through the narrow gap and grabbed her wrist. Its grip was like iron. Missy tried to pull back, to get far enough inside the TARDIS where she could slam on the door on the hand. The hand had other plans and began to inexorably drag the Time Lady forward.

"What the hell is happening?" Bill asked. Missy had prepared her for two scenarios, and this wasn't one of them. Should she pull the lever? Should she abandon her post and try to help Missy?

"Stay there!" Kate Stewart ordered as she shot past Bill.

A pair of arms encircled Missy's waist. Then they were hugging her so tightly she could scarcely breathe. Just behind her ear, Missy heard Kate grunt with effort as she began a game of tug-of-war with Anubis's undead henchman.

"And here I thought you wanted me dead!" Missy laughed.

"Believe me, I do. But not at the expense of the rest of us," Kate replied. She dug her heels into the floor and leaned back, putting her full weight into it.

The hand around Missy's wrist let go. Even as she was tumbling backward, Missy saw clearly that it was a deliberate act. Kate hadn't pulled her free, she'd been released.

Kate hit the ground hard enough to knock the air from her lungs. Before she could begin to draw a fresh breath, Missy landed atop her. Sandwiched between the unforgiving floor and the Time Lady, Kate Stewart found her vision starting to gray.

The door swung open. A young man who would never get the chance to grow older stepped into the TARDIS.

"I bring Sutekh's gift of death," he announced.

Pandemonium ensued.

Missy rolled off of Kate and scurried away from the portentous figure in the doorway. With the weight gone, Kate took a great, heaving breath that fell away into a coughing fit. She rolled onto her side and clutched her chest. It felt like all her ribs had been splintered.

"Nardole, can you get the Doctor out of here?" Bill asked. "He's going to get stepped on!"

Nardole would be a liar if he said wanted anything to do with the chaos in the room. He would also be a liar, however, if he said he felt no guilt over leaving, and no fear for those remaining.

"What about you?" Nardole replied.

"I've got to stay here. I've got my job." Bill motioned to the lever.

Nardole looked from Bill to the Doctor. Bill could at least move around. The Doctor was still out cold, unable to avoid anything nasty that might head his way.

"If you're sure…"

Bill gave a thumbs up. "We'll be fine. Just keep the Doctor safe."

Nardole took the Doctor under the arms. Even the body of a scrawny old man was heavy when it was dead weight. Nardole wasn't sure how far he'd be able to heft the Time Lord. Maybe the TARDIS had a safe room with impenetrable walls nearby.

Anubis's servant was too busy with those closer to the doors to notice the Doctor being hustled from the room. Kate Stewart, practically at his feet, was his first target. He reached for her throat. She kicked him in the crotch. Being a reanimated corpse took some of the sting out of that.

"Missy!" Kate shouted. Or tried to. She still couldn't catch a full breath due to the stabbing pain in her chest. The words that came out were audible, but hoarse. "Shoot him!"

"The Doctor really hates when I shoot humans," Missy replied.

"He's already dead!"

"But he's such a little bitch about it."

"I'll take the blame! I'll tell him-" Whatever Kate was about to say was cut off as the undead man dropped a knee onto her chest. What would have been a scream came out as a wheeze. His victim now immobilized by pain, he wrapped his hands around her neck.

The laser screwdriver made a mess. And a fire.

Kate, barely conscious, felt sudden heat bloom above her. The knee slid off her chest. She looked around, disoriented, trying to figure out where the zombie had gone and why it was suddenly so hot.

"Don't look at that," a voice said.

Before Kate could ask what she shouldn't look at, someone had a hold of her arm and was dragging her away. She was able to lift her head up just enough to see the someone was Missy.

"This doesn't make up for the Cybermen," Kate said.

"This might," Missy replied. She dropped Kate's arm and strode past her. "Remember, no looking! It's disgusting beyond all reason! Doesn't smell very nice, either!"

The affront to all senses in question was engulfed in flames from the chest up. It was, despite the massive damage, still staggering around. There didn't seem to be any purpose in its movements, nor was it making any attempt to put out the fire.

"Do you think he can feel that?" Bill asked, horror-struck.

"I said not to look at it. That applies to you, too. Now the Doctor's going to blame me when you're traumatized."

"But can he?"

"There's no 'he.' Whoever he was, he's been dead for most of the night. The only thing there is toasty meat animated by residual psychic energy. Give me your jacket."

Bill slipped off her denim jacket and passed it to Missy. She was still staring at the fiery corpse. The Time Lady snapped her fingers in front of Bill's face. Bill started like a spooked horse.

"Get ready," Missy ordered. "We're trying this again. Only better this time."

It was a little awkward to manage both the jacket and her laser screwdriver, but Missy had talented hands. Holding the jacket like a matador's cape, she approached the insensate burning body. The Osiran's quickly charring servant made no motion to attack.

Missy draped the jacket over the zombie's flaming upper half. She then guided it toward the doors, using the jacket to try and protect her hands. She couldn't risk pushing too hard and knocking the body over because there would be no getting it back up.

"Get along little dogie," Missy encouraged.

By the time Missy steered the walking inferno to the threshold, it was apparent there wasn't much eldritch life left in it. The jacket had smothered a fair amount of the flames, but the damage had been done the second the blast from the laser screwdriver struck. The body was swaying back and forth as though blitzed out of its skull.

Missy took a few steps back and then charged. She lowered her shoulder and hit the body in its mid-back. As the corpse was propelled out the door, Missy raised her laser screwdriver. She aimed just above the falling form.

"Oi, jackal!"

The taunt and the laser blast hit at the same time. Bill took it as her cue. She jammed the lever as hard as she could and crossed her fingers.

The TARDIS began to make its familiar wheeze. The blue box pulsed in and out of existence. That included the complete madwoman hanging half out the door, cackling and firing lasers like she was in a futuristic shooting gallery.

Missy kept up the barrage until the stone walls of the chamber were replaced with open air and confused faces. It was tempting to fire a few more times, just for the entertainment value, but Missy restrained herself. Barely. To avoid the temptation of making nearby UNIT personnel dance for her personal amusement, Missy closed the doors and turned to face Bill and Kate.

Bill still had a hand on the lever. She had tried to peer around Missy and discern where the TARDIS had landed, but the doors had been closed too quickly. Kate, meanwhile, had managed to prop herself up against the central console. She was leaning heavily and trying not to shift any potential rib fractures.

"Did everyone have as much fun today as I did?" Missy asked.

She was met with two blank stares.

Missy shrugged. "Let's go ask the Doctor. If we can find him. He and Egg might be lost in the bowels of the TARDIS, doomed to wander forever as- Oh, never mind."

The Doctor, half-supported by Nardole, managed a wan grin. "It's nice to see you too, Missy."


Author's Notes:

Mantis shrimp do indeed possess one of the fastest movements in the animal kingdom. They can punch fifty times faster than a human eye can blink and are able to shatter shells and even glass.