Ex Intempestivo Pax
Chapter 7
Reasons For Darkness
Had I known then what I do now, I would have certainly chosen differently...
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.
Lily looked around nervously upon arriving at her and Severus' spot. She hadn't intended to blurt out her question as to why he joined the Death Eaters when she saw him last night, but she had been wondering about his reasons ever since she had received his letter; given that in his letter he had claimed that he wasn't fond of the things they did, what could have possibly made him interested in them in the first place?
Unfortunately, while Lily had hoped to get the answer off of Severus then and there by making use of the element of surprise, it was too late to turn back now; he would probably have some form of reasoned answer prepared almost in speech form when he talked to her next. It was something that had always infuriated her about him during their original friendship, how he could dissect an issue to the point that he could make good look evil and vice-versa, depending on how it was looked at.
It was a trait that made debating with him very interesting, but at the same time it made it very difficult to win an argument against him; this was because any poor reasoning on her part would be utterly destroyed, leading to him ignoring the thrust of her argument. When topics didn't involve people, Severus was usually a very calm and logical person. and would insist on someone explaining why something would be true, rather than merely accepting that it was true...
As Lily was musing about this topic, she got so engrossed in her thoughts that she even missed Severus apparating right behind her, something that he decided to take advantage of by simply watching her. When she got well and truly focused on a topic, her eyebrows would knit like so and she would frown in a way that was just short of a pout; even though he was standing behind her, he could easily picture her face.
Smiling slightly at the thought, Severus then coughed to let her know that he was standing there. Unfortunately though, she hadn't been expecting it and all but shrieked as she spun around wildly, before falling down and landing on her bum. While he would never laugh at her, he couldn't suppress an amused snicker, which caused Lily to glare at him in anger and embarrassment.
After helping her up though, Lily asked quickly, clearly attempting to catch him off-guard, "So, Sev, why did you decide to join the Death Eaters? I mean, you said that it would be a bit of a long answer; why not start it now?"
Severus then sighed, and Lily waited for his answer with bated breath; this was something she had been wondering about ever since he had joined those monsters, and she was going to get an answer from him, whether he liked it or not. Finally, he said quietly, "Do you remember when you told me that my friends and I were all evil and going to become Death Eaters, and that was why you didn't want to be friends anymore?"
Lily nodded, eyes narrowing slightly, but Severus didn't seem to notice as he continued, "Well, you were both right and wrong about that, although not for quite the reasons you might think. I didn't want to become a Death Eater because of anti-Muggleborn propaganda. Mind you, I can't claim that my friends were of the same opinion, but I wanted to join the Death Eaters because I was absolutely certain that they were going to be the good guys in the coming war."
As Lily's eyes popped at that remark, Severus then looked at her with a self-mocking smile on his face, then said with a short, bitter laugh, "You see, Lily, the two of us were more similar than you might believe in reasoning; my friends cruelly attacked your friends, so you thought that they were evil. In comparison, your house-mates cruelly attacked me and my friends, so I thought the same thing, but in regards to your house-mates. I knew that war was coming, so I chose to be on the side of the 'good guys', and if I could get a little revenge on the side, so be it."
As Lily looked at him like she was both completely horrified and mildly intrigued, Severus continued his tale, deciding to tell her the completely sordid truth while trying to remain as calm as possible, "At the time, if you recall, the Dark Lord was still in the process of gathering followers and promising a better world for all; although he had some anti-Muggleborn policies, I thought that they were livable, and he really did have some good ideas for the government as a whold."
He then glanced at Lily, paused, then said quietly "Frankly, I found the ideas of his side much more tolerable than the hypocrisy of Dumbledore and his merry band of goonish thugs, and I was sure that you would eventually come to agree with me. In my dreams I even entertained the possibility of gloating while you were admiring me for realizing the right side before you did..."
Lily looked at him strangely, as she couldn't quite understand why he could even consider the Death Eaters as the good guys. 'Still,' She mused, 'he does have a point; after seeing what his friends did to mine I knew that they were bad news, and didn't even remotely consider the possibility. From his perspective, it might have been possible to see it that way, at least until the murders...'
As if he had read her mind, Severus continued while watching her carefully, as if she were a bomb ready to go off, "At first it really wasn't so bad, and only Order and Ministry members were being killed, which was no big deal really..."
As Lily's eyes narrowed, and she prepared to start shouting, Severus said sadly and with a hint of apology, "...Mind you, it was probably very painful for you, as they were your friends; however, to us they were our enemies in a war and had signed up, fully knowing what might happen to them. As such, in terms of right and wrong, their deaths didn't bother me much at all-"
Lily then slapped Severus and snarled, furious, "How can you say that, Severus!? Don't you remember Marlene Mckinnon!? What did she do to deserve dying like that, attacked in her own home, where she was supposed to be safe!? What if it had been m-"
Severus then interrupted her, saying flatly as he rubbed his bruised cheek, "Chelsea Avery."
As Lily looked at him in confusion, halting her rant, Severus continued in a tone of heated anger, "If you want to continue ranting about each and every death in this war, remember that our side has lost more lives than the entire bloody Order of the Phoenix combined, several times over. For example, Chelsea Avery died when her home was raided by the Ministry and she resisted arrest, getting killed in the ensuing fight. She was my girlfriend for going on a year and a half then, so don't think that only the Order has suffered in this forsaken war!"
Lily muttered an apology and put her hand on his shoulder in comfort, stroking it softly, while Severus fought against the choked-up sensation in his throat; admittedly, he hadn't cared for Chelsea in the same way that he did for Lily, but they had been fairly close. At the least, she had helped him survive without Lily, perhaps even live a little, and he would never forget her.
Swallowing, Severus then said quietly, almost whispering, "In hindsight, the Dark Lord was clearly acting like that primarily to accustom us to war and such though, as he soon started including noncombatants in his list of targets and allowed our fellows more and more free reign on their darker passions... Then he started holding these 'Revels', where torture, rape and painful deaths abounded for those we had captured..."
Lily could barely look at him as his eyes had a pleading quality to them that she hadn't seen since...THAT night. He looked at her desperately as he then continued, his voice begging her to not hate him, "Lily...if I had known that they were capable of that, I would never have joined; trust me in that! The deaths of the combatants were one thing, as they had chosen to risk their lives by fighting, but I would have never joined them if I had honestly thought that rape, murder, and the killing of random Muggles and Muggleborns was the objective!"
For one guilty instant, Lily almost felt like telling Severus 'I told you so!' and gloating, but that feeling was utterly quashed when she saw how his eyes widened with guilt and remembered horror as he watched her. As such, she said quietly and thickly, while putting her arms around him and drawing him slowly into a tender hug, "Don't worry, Sev, I believe you...I believe you... You wouldn't believe how horrified I was when I heard those rumors that you were interested in joining them; I was sure that you wouldn't have wanted to actually join those monsters."
As Severus looked at her in confusion, Lily elaborated with a sad smile, "When I first hinted to you about Mulciber and Avery and you didn't deny your interest, I was shocked that you would want to join such a clearly evil group; I never really considered it from your perspective though, not really. Like you were with the Order, I based my opinions on the Death Eaters solely on the people I saw who wanted to become members: Mulciber and Avery primarily..."
Severus slowly nodded, not knowing what else to do, before clearing his throat and mumbling out something that even he couldn't understand. Both of them stood there for a few minutes, just absorbing what they had recently heard, before Severus said with a mumble, "I...I guess we should have a look at that memory you mentioned earlier..."
Lily put her wand to her forehead for a moment, clearly relieved at the change of the subject, when she suddenly looked at her left wrist and sighed. Looking back at Severus, she said in a tone of relief, "Er, it appears that we spent more time dissecting that subject than I thought; I have to get ready for Petunia's birthday celebration...thing. Speaking of which," She added in a tone of curiosity, "why do you think that a grown, married woman like her is taking the time to have a birthday 'celebration'? I mean, she always hated birthday parties when she was sixteen..."
Severus seemed to think for a few moments, before saying with a smirk, "I have no clue, but I must say that I will be forever glad that I am not female now; if we left now, I'd still have far more than enough time to get ready to attend."
Lily had apparently already forgotten the original topic, as she swatted him good-naturedly, before saying with a pleased smile, "It's nice to see that Petunia invited you, although it is certainly quite a surprise; I was wondering if the two of you would have ever gotten along... Perhaps you mentioned James once or twice; she hates him almost as much as you do for whatever reason..."
Severus only smirked evily, as he recalled how he had persuaded the elder of the two Evans' sisters to allow him to join in. It hadn't been difficult, as Petunia agreed very much with him on James' suitability for Lily or lack thereof; as such, she had been quite pleased to join in on his plan to provoke James without actually provoking him. 'On anyone else, it would probably be a waste of time, but with James all I really have to do is make myself vulnerable without any witnesses nearby... He and his 'crew' take care of the getting angry part just fine on their own usually...'
A little unnerved by Severus' almost-malicious smile, Lily quickly bid him farewell and told him that they could share the memory tomorrow instead. She then apparated back to her and James' place and began the laborious process of getting ready; Petunia had wanted a rather formal get-together for whatever reason...
Author's Note: Honestly, in spite of the great mass of Marauder's era fanfiction that thinks that Voldemort was actively evil during Severus' school years, I think that this reasoning is probably fairly close to an accurate portrayal of what Severus believed; remember, Regulus was younger than Severus by about two years, yet when he joined, his parents apparently thought of him as a hero in some ways, as Voldemort hadn't yet shown his true colors. As such, it is likely that Voldemort was believed to be a relatively good guy by Slytherin house when Severus joined...
Remember, Severus said in chapter two that his attitude changed after the first revel, so until then the Death Eaters probably appeared like merely another side in a war, perhaps the better one considering what he knew of each sides' members...
