f o u r
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.
Trials 1:10
"So," Varric began as he and Hawke were walking the battlements in silence. They often would; walk the battlements, that is, not the "in silence" part. It was a chance for them to catch up away from eavesdroppers, and a chance for Hawke to see more of Skyhold during her brief visits. She would chatter on and on about various places she had visited recently, or reminisce about "the good old days" back in Kirkwall, or give her varying opinions on the state of the Inquisition. The first few days she had spent with the Inquisition, she had talked about absolutely anything to fill the silence. Varric had suspected it was her attempt at avoiding questions from him about what had happened with Anders. When she showed up alone in Lowtown, months ago, she had explained very briefly what had happened - something along the lines of, "he left, I came back here; the ale still sucks; how have you been?" - but had done just about everything to avoid the topic otherwise. And yet, during their walk today, so far, Hawke had said exceedingly little. And her silence spoke volumes. "So," Varric began as they walked, "you and our Commander?"
Hawke smirked so he couldn't see, hiding it with a glance out at the courtyard where a few soldiers were sparring. "Me and your Commander? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, I'm sure," Varric agreed. "I'll skip the part about how he stuttered during his report this morning when he saw you in the back of the room, then. Might as well skip over the giggle you hid in return, while I'm at it."
"And don't forget to neglect to mention the blush that rose in his cheeks as a result," Hawke encouraged.
Varric chuckled. "But you have no idea what I'm talking about."
"None at all."
Hawke had always been playful and sarcastic, cheerful to a painful degree, and kind to a fault. The combination of humor and compassion was one of the reasons that Varric liked her so much. But after her return from whatever it was that had happened, or been happening, with Anders, Varric was able to realize that Hawke had become disturbingly… quiet. Dark around the edges. The shadowy spaces between her optimism and enjoyment of the world around her, the cracks in her happiness, were growing and consuming everything else. Her playfulness was more subtle, her sarcasm more biting. Her cheerfulness had slipped down a few notches to "hesitant joy", and even her kindness was hovering somewhere between "concern" and "gentleness", nothing like the overwhelming warmth she had once exhibited towards everyone.
Varric had decided - rightly so - to respect Hawke's unspoken wishes to not talk about it, and did his best to continue on, business as usual. But seeing her like that was painful when he could still remember the woman she once had been.
Yet here she was, joking just like she used to. The darkness that had been closing in around her, slowly but surely enveloping her very core, was being held back by a glow that Varric was not entirely unsurprised to recognize as the same one that had graced her character the first time she and Anders confessed that their feelings for each other were more than casual affection. It was good to see Hawke's smile reach her eyes once again, but at the same time, Varric worried it wouldn't last. After what had happened last time….
"Y'know what," Varric said after another moment of silence passed between them, "good for you, Bubbles. If he makes you happy, that's good enough for me."
A serene smile replaced the mischievous smirk on her lips. "Thank you, Varric. But. You did say that last time, too. And we both remember how that one turned out."
Varric looked up at her, but she was just smiling calmly back at him. He thought, maybe, there was a flash of pain behind her emerald eyes, but nothing tangible slipped past. She was far too practiced at hiding her intentions to let even him glean something she did not wish. "Well," he conceded with a sort of shrug. "Curly doesn't really seem like the 'blowing things up' type."
Hawke laughed, and Varric was happy to hear it was the same light-hearted, sincere laugh he remembered. "Good!" she agreed cheerily. "My goodness, I would hate to have to go through all that again. Could you imagine? Maker, at that point, I would begin to think it must just be me."
Hawke was happy.
That was all that mattered to him, but as her friend - best friend, really - Varric wanted to make sure it would last as long as possible. He knew Hawke wouldn't stay with the Inquisition; one way or another, when the business with the Wardens was sorted out, he knew she would be off on her next adventure. Since her separation from Anders, he noticed that she was terribly uncomfortable staying in one place for too long. This was likely a result of the better part of the past four years being spent on the run. Consequently, he could only monitor her happiness for a short time.
"Varric," Cullen greeted him on the afternoon that Varric had decided the conversation needed to be had. It had been nearly two weeks since Hawke and the Commander had shared their moment on the battlements. Responsibility - and Hawke's inability to stay put for more than a three day stretch - had kept them from spending very much time alone together, but their sidelong glances and resulting blush and smiles were not going unnoticed. "Is there something I can help you with? Have you spoken with Leliana yet?"
"I did," Varric said with a slight chuckle. "Don't worry; she shouldn't be bothering you about that anymore. But if you've got a minute, I wanted to talk about Hawke."
"Oh?" Cullen looked up from his desk, where he had been pouring over a newly procured map of the Frostback Mountains. "Er, yes? What about her?"
Varric rubbed the back of his neck, glancing around the room while he wondered how to word this all properly. What he wanted to say was simple: "Don't break her heart, or you'll find yourself staring down Bianca one morning." But he couldn't just come out and say that. Threatening the Commander of the Inquisition was… generally not a great idea. "You two seem to be getting along," Varric said finally, simply.
Cullen chuckled, maybe a bit uneasily. "Y-yes, I suppose we are," he said evasively, looking back down at the map without bothering to see it. "She seems to be the same lively young woman I first met back in Kirkwall, if a bit wiser for the time passed."
"Right, well. In that 'time passed', you… do realize what she's been through?" Varric asked.
"I'm assuming nothing particularly favorable," Cullen agreed, "but I haven't pressed the issue."
"Likely for the best, but." Varric stopped. No, maybe he should tell Cullen to "press the issue". Maybe if he could realize just how much pain Hawke was carrying with her, he might realize how much she needed a steady presence in her life. "But," he continued after a short moment of contemplation, "you do know that those experiences have… scarred her? And that some of those are deeper than she'll admit?"
Cullen frowned lightly at the map, and glanced back up at Varric. "Yes, of course," he said. "I'm sorry, but was there a point to this?"
"The point is," Varric said, picking up this train of thought, "that she's not going to be around for very long."
Cullen's frown deepened almost imperceptibly. "Isn't she?"
"I think she's used to life on the road, now," Varric explained. "She won't be able to stay in one place for very long. She can barely do it now. She keeps disappearing off to Crestwood, or just down the mountains to get away from all this, and-"
"Sorry," Cullen interrupted, "but what does this have to do with me?"
Varric gave a short shrug. He thought it was obvious, but he was never above spelling these things out. "I just want you to be aware of what you're getting into."
Cullen thought about it for a moment, mulling it over in his mind. He sat back in his chair. "Is this an attempt to dissuade me?" he guessed. "I can understand your concern for her, Varric, but I would think it's ultimately her choice."
"Dissuade you?" Varric repeated. "Andraste's tits, no. If anything, I'm trying to encourage you."
"You are?" Cullen asked, sounding surprised.
Varric laughed. "It probably doesn't sound like it, huh? All right, let me put it this way:
"Hawke's been hurt by the man she loves one too many times for my liking," he explained. "She's my best friend, and I'm not about to see that happen again. So if you intend to… I don't know, be with her in the kind of way that would put you in the position to hurt her like that, just know that it's not going to be for very long, in the grand scheme of things. That being said, however, she needs someone right now; someone who will care for her in a way that I, as her friend, can't, that will let her work through her worries. Is that clear enough?"
Cullen contemplated this, looking around the room as he took it in. "So, what you're saying is: I should continue this courtship for the sake of giving Hawke someone who cares about her, even if for a short time?"
"Courtship?" Varric said with a slight snort of laughter. "I suppose that's better than what I was going to call it. But yes, Curly, that's exactly what I'm saying. Can you manage to not break her heart for a month or two?"
Cullen shook his head slightly with a small laugh. "Is that all?"
"Not too hard, right?" Varric agreed with a slight smirk.
"I suppose not. I'll do my best, then."
Varric sighed to himself as he turned to go. "I pray that's good enough."
