a/n: That... was more than a week. I'm going to blame my forgetfulness. The last week or so got busy for me, so. I forgot to update because I'm terrible. Anyway! We're back to our regularly scheduled dose of Hawke. :D

The story Hawke's going to tell? This is my headcanon for what happens between DA2 and Inquisition. More-or-less. I mean… when prepping for the final battle in DA2, and Anders is all, "I'm going to be on the run, and you don't want that", and then Hawke tells him, "then we'll be on the run together", what exactly is she expecting? Dude's losing his mind, thanks to Justice. C'mon Hawke. Where's your sense of self-preservation? You knew shit wasn't gonna work out. C'mon now.

s i x

In the absence of light, shadows thrive.
Threnodies 8:21

Two hours later, they were laying in Cullen's bed, naked, half-covered with the blanket, sweaty, satisfied, and smiling. Hawke was on her side, cuddled up to Cullen who had his arm around her, resting on her waist. "I could go for another round," she commented, breaking the happy silence between them as she traced little patterns on his chest.

Cullen laughed and kissed the top of her head. "We'll see."

Hawke chuckled lightly as well and kissed his shoulder. "Though, I suppose first I did say I'd tell you what happened."

Though her tone remained light, the atmosphere of the room seemed to get a little heavier. Cullen glanced down at her. Hawke still had a pleased little smile on her face, but it had began to wane ever so slightly. "You don't have to if you don't want to," he said.

"Oh, don't give me that," she said with a teasing slap on his chest. "I know you want to hear what happened."

"I do, but only if you truly want to talk about it."

"Eh," she said with a little shrug. "I suppose it's about time someone other than Varric heard about it." She took a measured breath and began tracing mindless patterns on Cullen's chest again as she spoke. "I loved him," she began. "Despite everything he had done, I loved him. I would have trusted him with my life. And I knew that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. The way he used to hold me at night, the things he would whisper to me as I fell asleep…" She sighed, closing her eyes. "I loved him, and he loved me. If nothing else, that I knew for sure.

"After we left Kirkwall, he and I travelled through the Free Marches, helping the rebel mages wherever we could. We couldn't ever stay with one group for too long, though. They resented his presence after a time. Understandably; a lot of mages considered his rash actions the reason why they had to hide as apostates, and blamed him, personally, for their troubles. He had mentioned he wasn't surprised about their attitudes, but this constant rejection began to weigh on him. I think it was after the third or fourth group we left that he finally began to understand more fully just what the consequences were of his actions in Kirkwall. And yet… he would never talk to me about it.

"Any time I tried to open a conversation about it, he would just smile at me, and assure me that everything was fine." Hawke sighed again, opening her eyes. Her brow creased with concern, or worry. "We both knew he was lying, of course, but if he wouldn't willingly talk to me… well, what could I do?

"So we just… continued travelling. Eventually, we met up with Isabela, and she took us to Ferelden for a time. I thought it would be good for Anders to get away from the Free Marches for a while. I talked about visiting Val Royeaux and Anders insisted he would never step foot in the Orlesian capital." Hawke giggled a little to herself, presumably at the memory of the discussion. "I was, admittedly, a little excited to be back in the place I had once called home. And so we travelled through Ferelden and skirted the border of Orlais, and then…" A slight frown punctuated her speech, but she picked up again after a short pause. "The mage-Templar conflict was not confined to the Free Marches, of course. But seeing how far it had truly spread…. I think the burden of responsibility was slowly …breaking him. And-and all I could do was watch."

"I'm sure you did everything you could," Cullen comforted her when Hawke paused again.

"I did," she agreed a little too severely. Cullen wondered if she was just simply agreeing, or if she was trying to convince herself. Likely the latter; she continued, "And I know it's not my fault, what happened. But…." She sighed and pulled a little closer under the blanket and Cullen adjusted accordingly. "One night, we made camp on the edge of Lake Calenhad," she said quietly. "Anders put up all the usual wards around the campsite, and we sat in silence while I prepared dinner."

"Silence?" Cullen cut in.

"Oh, yeah," Hawke said. "See, by that point in our travels, silence had become a daily norm. Anders… wasn't exactly one for small talk anymore. So, I had to watch as he retreated further and further into himself. Further away from me. That space between us grew every single day, and it… well, it hurt to watch. I honestly don't think he ever knew just what it was doing to me, seeing him like that. If he did know…" She cleared her throat. "Well.

"Anyway. After we ate, I was all set to simply call it a night and fall into my usual exhausted, dreamless sleep. But before I could, he…" A slight smile curled her lips. "Anders just kissed me, without a word. He would do that periodically throughout the day; looking back, maybe it was his way of saying things that he couldn't express in words anymore. Sometimes those kisses led to… hmm."

"Sex?" Cullen prompted as she tried to find the right word.

Hawke giggled lightly. "Well, yes, but more than that. Anders didn't always respond to my words, but he did respond to touch, so. Physical contact - sex - for us had become… it was almost the only way to communicate with him any more. So it wasn't just an expression of lust; for us, it was an expression of love and affection, desire and need. It was desperate and messy. Loud," she added with another small giggle. "I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say it was the kind of passionate love-making usually reserved for the night before the world ends."

"Ah," Cullen said. "So when you said that being with him was like the world was about to end…"

"Yes, I was also referring to the desperation between the sheets, so to say," she finished his thought. "But, to go back to that night on Lake Calenhad…

"Before I could retire to my bedroll that night, he kissed me. But it wasn't like the other times he had kissed me that day. This time was… it was gentle, and quiet. There was no embrace to accompany it, just a slight touch on my cheek. And something about the way he broke away without moving away, and when all he said was, 'I love you; you know that, right?'..." Hawke sighed. "I thought - in vainest hope - that he was coming back to me. I thought I had somehow gotten through to him, that he was changing, that this was a sign that we were going to be okay. I guess I should have known better.

"When I woke up the next morning, Anders was gone."

Cullen looked down at her suddenly, surprised at how casually the statement had come out. She was still tracing little patterns on his chest, frowning slightly at her hand's movements as if she couldn't recall if she had let the dog in for the night or not. She did not look as if she had just finished explaining that the man she loved had left her without warning. "Gone?" Cullen prompted gently when she made no indication that she was going to continue.

"Gone," Hawke repeated in the same, almost-too conversational tone. "No note, all of the wards still in place. Gone, just like that. So. I did the only thing I could think to do: I packed up and went back to Kirkwall. I contacted Isabela, and got lucky that she was at a port town in Ferelden. She took me back to the Free Marches without asking questions. I met up with Varric in the Hanged Man, and then Cassandra showed up and snatched him away, and. Well, here we are."

"Hawke," Cullen said in a tone of voice reserved for those with recently passed loved ones, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she said curtly, patting his chest in a way that indicated she was in no way desiring sympathy from her story. "He left. He left me without a word, and that's just what happened. You wanted to know what happened, and there it is. That's why Varric thinks I need to be treated like I'm broken."

"Are you?"

Hawke was still for what felt like a very long time, staring at her hand, before looking up at Cullen. "Yeah," she said very noncommittally. "But we all are, aren't we? I mean, you've been through your fair share of trouble, between the Ferelden Circle tower and Kirkwall. You can't pretend that hasn't left you a little damaged. But instead of mages or insane commanding officers being the source of my distress, it's just one man. The man I loved lied to me time and again, and I was stupid enough to believe that he could change. I know- trust me, I know it's not my fault he led me on again and again, but it is my fault for following him every single time."

"But here you are," Cullen said. "You didn't follow after him this time."

She smiled guiltily. "No," she agreed. "I didn't. But…" She chuckled uncomfortably. "Well, it's really not important."

"What's not?"

"Doesn't matter," she said firmly, patting his chest again. "Look, I told you what happened, just like I promised. If you want anything more than that, you might have to strike up another deal with me."

She seemed eager to change the subject, and as much as he wanted to press on, Cullen conceded for now. "Oh?" he said. "What kind of deal?"

Hawke chuckled, and shifted so she could swing one of her legs over his hips and sit up to straddle him, kicking the blanket to his feet. "How about this," she suggested, leaning forward to let her hands snake up his stomach and chest. "Let me ride you until you can't feel your legs, and I'll tell you about the time someone else left me without saying goodbye."

"You've been left by multiple people that way?" Cullen asked sharply.

But Hawke just laughed. "There is a bit of a pattern, isn't there? Don't worry, though; Isabela came back, didn't she? But maybe you still want to hear why I spent the few days of her absence moping around? Varric did leave a lot out of his book."

"About you and Isabela?" Cullen asked as Hawke leaned down for a kiss. "Really?"

Hawke smirked and kissed him again. "Do we have a deal, Commander?"