This is my first fanfic on this site please don't put too many flames
This fanfiction is a multiple crossover with characters from the Warriors series, Redwall, the sight , and the Guardians of ga'hoole, it also has guest appearances from Harry Potter and Twilight, though not in this episode. I labled it under Warriors as their my favorite and
Episode 1
PILOT
Author's note: a pilot episode is the first in a series of shows.
Note #2: I do not own any characters or book series this is a fan fiction
Note#3 : character personalities and traits may slightly differ from their respective books this is a fan fiction. Cluny and Kraar are completely changed for comedic purposes.
Note#4 : any comedy or jokes is not meant to put down any racial or ethnic human group.
Note#5 Kar is not related to Fell. Jayfeather is jaypaw if you haven't read the later novels. I am calling Ezylryb by his original name Lyze.
Note#6: I put in Morgra's and Fell's personalties from the 2nd book as they had a major personality change.
If you're sick of this long explanation just skip it and read!
The hosts are standing around a table in the middle of the stage. The stage is made of glass and steel, a large TV takes up the entire back portion of the room and is adjoined by 2 black colored walls. The seating area takes up half of the room with a middle isle and a glass covered control room above the main doorway.
Jayfeather: hi welcome to Jayfeather's talk.
Morgra , Yellowfang , Scourge ,Otuhlissa , Twilight :hi !
Cluny: hi, er why am I here?
Coryn: hello!
Matthias: hi !
Kraar(singing obliviously) : "Shot through the heart,(shot through the heart by Bon Jovi)
And you're to blame
Darling, you give love
A bad name. "
Morgra: shut up! By the way if you are reading this please review!
Jayfeather: hello welcome to my talk show and with me are my co-hosts Cluny, Morgra , Rose,Twilight, Yellowfang , Otuhlissa, Coryn, Matthias, and Scourge(frowns). We also have Fell, Bluestar, Lyze, Treerose, and Midnight in the control room.
He indicates an glass panel at the back of the auditorium where the crew is. Treerose is pointing the main camera.
Jayfeather: and by the way Luny, I mean , Cluny is having amnesia , so he is acting a little, well...
Yellowfang: stupid, just stupid.
Jayfeather: (sigh) fine. Have it your way.
Kraar: just like Burger King!
Cluny: wow I like Burger King, whoopers go well with Crystal Meth!
Morgra: wait! Did you just day Meth?
Cluny: oops! I mean... I meant er Pepsi!
Matthias: we really should start.
Jayfeather: let me just finish the intro.
The crowd begins booing.
Jayfeather: anyway we also have our supervisors in the back row ( points to 4 cats sitting underneath the control room in the back of the auditorium.) they are Mosshadow, Leopardpool , Brightclaw and Bramblepath. They also happen to be the authors of this fanfiction under screen names so don't make them angry or they'll erase you from their computer hard drives.
Jayfeather: anyway today for our first episode-
Kraar and Twilight:An angel's smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven and put me through hell.
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison you can't break free.BANG!
Yellowfang: Matthias! Why did you just shoot Kraar with that 12 gauge shotgun.
Kraar(weakly): I see a light.... it is bright... I like bright things....
Morgra: thats the stage lights!
Kraar: ligggggghhhhhhhhht........
Matthias: I can't stand Bon Jovi(puts shotgun back underneath the table) or Morgra's little servant.
'Hurry up' says Fell into Jayfeather's ear piece from the control room.
Kraar: arghhhhhh, I feel as if.... I will go into to a different world.... and become ….... .
Scourge: (bites Jayfeather) hurry up you little worm.
Yellowfang: don't you talk to him like that you little piece of crow food!
Morgra: come on, it'll do no good if we argue. (Scourge slashes her with his claws) Ouch!
Scourge: I don't fear anybody even some stupid wolf like you!
Morgra use the Sight to hurl Scourge into the electronics that line the ceiling.
Scourge: ack ! ( his claws snag a high voltage wire) I'll rip these stupid strings then I'll rip up you.
Jayfeather(turns around): what strings? NO not those!!!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! ARGHHHHH! A charred Scourge falls 15 feet to where he previously was beside Morgra.
A censored black box appears over him due to it's graphic nature .
Coryn: wow he was toasted like a pop tart.(begins eating a strawberry pop tart that appears out of nowhere.)
Lyze(in the control room): now turning off lights 4 through 10. I hope this is the right button.
Jayfeather: sure.(addresses crowd) sorry about that interruption.
Scourge: I see a light... no wait it's mommy! Don't beat me mommy!
Kraar: light? I see Morgra? Ahhh! Don't hit me with that rock. Ack !!
Yellowfang: they're becoming delusional.
Morgra: rock? I never beat you with a rock! That was your dad!
Yellowfang(eyes bulge with shock): please stop talking, you are mentally scarring me.
Kraar:"Those who are dead are not dead ( 42 by coldplay)
They're just living in my head
And since I fell for that spell
I am living there as well
Oh.. "
Jayfeather: someone get them off stage.(talks into mike) Anyway today we are interviewing Tsarmina from Redwall about her 'water problem'.
A Janitor comes and wheels Scourge and Kraar out. The Janitor happens to be Methuselah.
A door in the back opens and Tsarmina the wildcat comes out followed by her brother Gingervere.
The crowd claps
Jayfeather: hello Tsarmina.
Tsarmina: hello. Where am I ?
Jayfeather: this is a fanfiction and today we are talking about your water super phobia.
Tsarmina(hysterical): WATER!! WHERE ! WHERE ! IT'S COMING IT WANTS ME TO DIE !!!
Morgra: and we all thought Bluestar was the crazy cat!
Yellowfang: that's mean !
Morgra: I am mean, deal with it!
Fell(from control room): seriously you could be a little nicer!
Jayfeather:( coughs very loudly into mike) There is no water here Tsarmina.
Gingervere: I don't think it will work. My sister is a complete spoiled brat and psychopath. Did I mention she tried to kill me and murdered our father?
Yellowfang : we all read MossFlower. Because the author forced us.
Tsarmina: you!(points at Morgra) comfort me! And you (points at Cluny ) groom my fur!
Morgra: the First Wolf does not take orders from the likes of prey like you!
Jayfeather: Anyway why are you so afraid of water? We all need it to live.
Cluny: is soda made of water ? I like soda!
Matthias: I am sure you do.
Otuhlissa: his taste receptors seems most unusually tuned to sweet high caloric, low macro and micro nutrient rich products.
Coryn: Hoolian please!
Tsarmina: Water! Water you say! Alas it is the most sinful of all! It destroys and corrupts , manipulates and tortures.....
Yellowfang(interjects): just like Morgra!
Fell(control room): don't remind me.
Jayfeather: please shut up, the control crew isn't supposed to be talking over the PA system, use our ear pieces.
Tsarmina: …. oh and how it ravaged me ….
Yellowfang: I bet Brightheart talks that way about dogs. Ironically we all revere water , all except her.
Gingervere: so beautiful , (suddenly raises voice) yet so- idiotic-dysfunctional-retarded-murderous-stupid-clueless-...... why , why me (starts crying uncontrollably).
Cluny: er ye want a tissue?(hands a tissue box from under the table.
Cluny: I wonder what else is under there? (looks underneath the table and begins pulling out things into a pile behind her,) Wow! A machine gun, tennis racket, Bernie Madoff cartoons , gum! And whats this? There is a word on it. It spells B-A-Z-O-O-K-A I wonder what it is, doesn't look too dangerous though, not like it fires huge projectile that can destroy buildings. Lets see what is next......
Meanwhile.....
Tsarmina: and water burns and pollutes that atmosphere....
Coryn: is she talking about America and China or water.
Otuhlissa: Water.
Jayfeather: that's enough...
Cluny: what is this square white object ? It is labeled C4, hmmmm... probaly some more gum.(he tosses the explosive over her back it lands beside Tsarmina).
Tsarmina: I will remove it from the face of this-KABOOM!
Tsarmina disappears in a flash and a bang. A small smoking crater is where she was standing.
Gingervere: thanks Cluny, she is a pain in the bleep.
Jayfeather: wow! Congrats Gingervere, you discovered cursing! Well thank you for coming here today.
Gingervere: it was a pleasure getting rid of my sister.
Morgra: ever consider sacrificing her to Wolfbane?
Yellowfang, Jayfeather and Fell : DON'T GIVE HIM ANY IDEAS!
Jayfeather: and now it is time for a commercial break.(he presses a button on a remote that he had been holding).
Commercial Break
"HELLO , I AM BILLIE MAYS, HERE TO BRING YOU OXYFUR!" Billie Mays is standing with a blood splattered Cluny with a spray bottle. "ARE YOU TIRED OF GETTING BLOOD, AND GORE FROM THOSE STUPID VERMIN AND BAD GUYS YOU HACK TO PIECES EVERYDAY? WELL NOW LET ME RESCUE AFTER YOU RESCUE THE WORLD. WITH THE AMAZING POWER OF OXYCLEAN OXYFUR CLEANS DOWN DEEP TO GET RID OF THE WORST STAINS WITH ONLY A FRACTION OF THE WATER YOU USUALLY NEED!" He sprays Cluny with the bottle all over, Cluny winces as it burns his skin and gets into his mouth. Then Mays shoves him into a huge washing machine. "AND THE BEST PART IS HOW EASY AND QUICKLY IT WORKS WITH MINIMAL PAIN AND EFFORT. Behind Mays Cluny is screaming as he is bashed into the walls of the washing machine. A clock in the corner of the room suddenly skips 2 hours and the pixels fritz showing a poorly edited cut."AND IT TAKES 10 MINUTES, MINIMAL HASSEL, NO PAIN, I GUARENTEE IT! Behind him Cluny's mashed up remains floats to the top of the giant washing machine, the water is now tinted a dark red by his own blood. The call to order numbers appear.
Jayfeather: well that was thoroughly disturbing commercial.
The TV in the back of the stage turns on. Gingervere has left and the smoking crater is covered by a tarp. The hosts are beside the table now.
Jayfeather: and now it is time for our advice and questions section of our show where we hear from callers. Where's Cluny?
Twilight: that was a live commercial.
Morgra: I think I would volunteer Slavka for that commercial.
Yellowfang: this fanfiction is really unrealistic , how could we call in ?
Matthias: um Redwall doesn't have Cell phones.
Coryn: and let us see who our first caller is.
The TV shows a number on a blue background.
Caller(wolfish low male voice): hello? This is anonymous.
Jayfeather: hi you're are now live on Jayfeather talk, what would you like to ask?
Caller: well, I was wonder if I could place a question to Morgra.
Morgra: I am not here. And this is not Morgra speaking.
Caller: I know it's you.
Morgra: fine what's the question?
Caller : okay, would you go to Larka and tell her that she is cool and good looking and that you hate Wolfbane and yourself, and then begin cutting yourself in front of Brassa and then beat yourself to death with a metal rod.
Morgra: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... who the hell are you! And no I would not say that Larka is cool or go emo in front of my mother.
Caller: ha ha ha, I won't tell you!
Fell(connects to the caller line): is this Kar?
Caller : no it's Tsarr.
Morgra: no you're not, I know Tsarr's voice.
Caller: take a guess! And this is not Larka .
The other hosts and control room members begin thinking with strained expressions except Cluny who has fallen asleep. Morgra gives up and hangs up by pressing a button on Jayfeather's remote.
Coryn: and now to our next caller who probably is cooler.
Caller(Seductive canine voice): hello this is Sela, is Chickenhound in the auditorium? My little son better have eaten that salad or I'll come in there and beat him with this spiked and poisoned chain!
A fox wearing a red and blue mask stands up in the middle of the seating and begins hollering loudly.
Slagar(Chickenhound)(Redwall) : NO ! Never I will never eat that horrible salad, it tastes like rocks .(he holds a box above his head and dumps it. A stream of rocks falls out.)
Otuhlissa: it really is rocks! Composed mostly of iron sulfates and organic sediments.
Sela the caller(Redwall): why you little moron! I coming in there to make sure you eat what mommy gives you!
The line clicks off.
Yellowfang: how does she possibly think she can get in here? We locked the doors from inside.
As if to answer the ceiling explodes from a missile impact and a black hawk helicopter lands in the middle of the stage to the right of the shocked hosts. A vixen in commando equipment and carrying a submachine gun steps out.
Authors note: vixen's are female foxes.
Slagar: NO! You'll never take me alive!!!!! (runs franticly to the doors not knowing they are locked)
Slagar rams into the doors and falls down in surprise as they were locked.
Sela(vixen with the SMG): ha ha come to mommy!!
Slagar: never, you'll never feed me that salad! Never!
He runs to try another set of doors but Sela shots him in the leg with a burst of gunfire and then runs over to him and begins beating him with a cane.
Coryn and Morgra simultaneously: and I thought my mom was bad!
Sela drags Slagar into the helicopter while feeding him rocks. Slagar leaves a trail of blood and uneaten rocks in his wake. The helicopter rises into the sky letting a few 'salad rocks' drop down and the flies off.
Jayfeather: Wow, Redwall characters can be a little weird....
Yellowfang: next.
Morgra: okay, our next caller is Shelhound from Redwall calling from green isle.
Caller: hey I was just watching your show.... I can't believe you morons!( the hosts flinch in surprise) you have a cat as the main host and there is a freaky big fox thing on stage too and Cluny. Why are there cats!! all cats must DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! And big fox things too!
Morgra: I'm a wolf.
Caller: talk to the paw! I HATE VERMIN!!!!!!!!! I will kill them all , I love seeing them die !!!!!!!!
Coryn: I never knew otters were psychopathic genocides planners!
Morgra: you don't know a lot of things.( she ends the call)
Yellowfang: people don;t like you very much do they?
Otuhlissa: and now we have -CRASHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The auditorium doors explode and a pale human figure walks in. it's Edward from Twilight!
Jayfeather: security!!
Yellowfang: hey look what he has in his hand. Isn't that Harry Potter's wand?
Ten various animals mostly from Redwall come in with pitchforks
Edward(Dracula accent): I have come to suck you bloods oh, how I love these fat juicy necks. Bwah ah ha hah h hah ha h hah ha ha h haahha h.
Cluny: maybe you need a da cough drops?
Security guard mouse: what are you doing here!!!
Edward: I have come to suck your bloody and take over zis Television show and make it all Twilight muah nuah ha ha ah ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
He darts forward and grabs the mouse and begins sucking him dry in a second. The audience begins screaming in horror. The guards rush at him.
Fell( goes back to main intercom): oh my Fenris blood sucking grashts do exist! AHHHHHHHHHH!
Edward makes a motion with the wand and the guards shooting him crumple dead.
He extends a palm towards the control room. A huge fire ball erupts from his wand and impacts the glass window and passes through , there is a large boom and the walls surrounding the window explode in a orange flare. He points towards the TV and destroys it with another ball of fire. Shards of glass and molten metal fly across the room. Edward turns ominously to the hosts who are shivering in front of the smoking ruins of the TV.
Meanwhile in the control room.....(switch to third person from transcript.)
"what the hell," cried Treerose the squirrel, " this human guy just killed the guards!"
"hit the ground ," shouted Lyze as he saw Edward launch a fire ball toward them. The crew dropped to the grounds as the fire ball detonated and machinery and drywall flew like shrapnel.
"He broke the coffee machine," noted Lyze calmly despite the flames beginning to form in the smoky room.
"NOOOO! NOT COFFEE MACHINE,"cried Midnight. She walks over and stares at the coffee machine which was a smoking piece of melted black plastic.
"The door, it's blocked!" said Bluestar, who was beside the smashed door. Fell walks over and leaps at it and smashes through with his strength. Lyze flies through into the hallway. Bluestar and Fell grab the Coffee obsessed Midnight and Treerose.
"No more cappuccinos If you behave like this," said Bluestar harshly.
"Okay, now we have to save the rest of the cast," said Lyze," let's leave Midnight and Treerose on the couch , I think they are hurt." Midnight had her fore leg in a twisted position and Treerose appeared to be suffering from smoke inhalation. They were backstage surrounded by equipment and electronics. Looking through a window Lyze spotted Edward advancing steadily , and menacingly on the cast.
"Okay, said Bluestar with Lyze watching Edward behind her, "we need to kill Edward but how?"
"Well how about holy water," suggested Fell.
"And just where do we get that?
"Walmart," piped up a delirious Treerose.
" How bout we shoot him with golden bullets or burn him with a flamethrower?"
"Hmmmmmmm, wait I have it !
"Oh I see, we stick him with something like a stake." they think puzzle about a stake for a few seconds.
Suddenly Fell exclaimed, " I got it !!! we'll that stick that Jayfeather has that gave him the visions, it has a lot of magical energy inside it would surely kill Edward but we need some one with enough magic to use it.'
"How bout you?"
"Well, I am sort of unable to use it....."
"And just why is that ?"
" Because I'm too evil!" Fell exclaimed, he has a not so nostalgic rush of memories.
"Let's just run out and distract Edward and give the stick to Coryn." Bluestar grabbed the stick in her mouth and motioned with her head for Lyze and Fell to follow her out the door.
Back on screen(switch back to transcript.)
Yellowfang: what do you want with us !
Edward (now stands in front of them). : I want your blood and this show. Ha ha ha h ha! Cough.
Matthias: I will defeat you!!
Yellowfang(steps in front of Matthias): it's madness.
Matthias: Madness? Madness! This is not madness! This is Sparta, er Redwall!!!( shoves Morgra out of the way and runs toward Edward holding a knife from underneath the table.) Tonight, we die, in Sparta! I mean where ever the heck I am !!!!!!!!!
Author's note: that was a Sparta joke from 300.
Edward calmly sidesteps the blow and rips apart Matthias with a huge blue lightning bolt from his wand. Mattias's remains fly in multiple directions. The cameras filming the chaos no longer move with the destroyed control room but still censor what is left of Matthias.
Jayfeather: where our supervisors?
Coryn: they left right before to get dough nuts!
Otuhlissa suddenly pulls out a pistol loaded with a golden bullet and shoots Edward in the stomach. It works and Edward screams and fires a bolt of lightning that misses and arcs into the lights and electronics. They explode in a huge blast of light and fire that falls into the crowd some of whom have evacuated through the door Edward destroyed. Small fires are burning in the isles. Otuhlissa flies quickly above the chaos and dodges Edward's blasts. Bluestar, Fell ,and Lyze appear from the on stage doors.
Fell: Coryn, quickly take Jayfeather's stick and stab Edward with it, it will kill him.
Coryn: uh okay,( he grabs the stick from Bluestar).
Edward spreads both his palms out trying to destroy Otuhlissa. This time raging streams of molten fire pour out amongst white hot lightning.
Morgra : I wish I could do that.
And then Edward jerks forward and stops, he clutches at his chest, at the glowing carved stick that he has been impaled on, Coryn holds on tightly as his magic flows through the stick.
Edward groans and falls to his knees..... and then he explodes in a brilliant light. Coryn and the rest of the crew lay unmoving on the smoky stage..............
Twilight: that was pretty epic......
A few hours later in a different theater.
Jayfeather: I am really sorry about that minor security problem now we shall conclude our show.
Yellowfang: minor? Cough cough.
Every one including the crew and the supervisors are on a different stage. Scourge and Kraar are also there on stretchers.
Morgra: so then it was a pleasure, sort of ,to being with you all for this fanfiction.
Jayfeather: and I suppose that we will be doing things a little differently next time.
Every else: bye.
Mosshadow : good job
Bramblepath: yeah! Good thing you picked the characters Leopardpool!
Leopardpool: thanks!
Brightclaw: yay.
Mosshadow: did you know that Brightclaw's real warriors name is Brighth-(Brightclaw tackles him to the ground before he can say anything.
Lyze: let's go back stage and party!
Fell: and I guess Kraar and Twilight can be our DJ, ha ha .
The crew and cast and supervisors head off stage.
Credits roll...........................................................................
Credits
Author..............................................................................................Mosshadow
Character coordinator........................................................................Leopardpool
Editor1................................................................................................Brightclaw
Editor2...............................................................................................Bramblepath
Redwall; characters: Cluny, Matthias, Treerose and Rose
sight characters: Fell, Morgra, Kraar(annoying isn't he?)
Warriors: Jayfeather, Yellowfang, Scourge, Bluestar, Midnight
Guardians of Ga'hoole: Twilight, Coryn, Lyze, Otuhlissa
Guests : Tsarmina and Gingervere from redwall
Fell: by the way, underneath this Fic is a box with green lettering, that is for reviews,please click on it because the author wants lots of reviews! so review or I will kill you!
