a/n: So... I do apologize for the insane delay in getting this chapter up. I went back to school, and all the related stresses with that (moving, class schedule, work, etc). But I appreciate your guys' support, and we should be back on a regular(ish) update schedule for the home stretch here. There's still an epilogue in store, so...
Enjoy! c:

f o u r. t e e n

Here lies the abyss, the well of all souls.
From these emerald waters doth life begin anew.
Come to me, child, and I shall embrace you.
In my arms lies Eternity.
Andraste 14:11

All at once, the world came back in to focus. There were some shouts of surprise, and some lingering battles. But Alice raised her hand, and closed the tear. The remaining demons howled and dissipated where they stood.

"Inquisitor!" Now, shouts of joy filled the air, cheers and congratulations.

Hawke had tumbled out of the Fade and landed painfully a few feet away. She groaned, trying to correctly identify "up". She felt a hand on her arm that helped her to her feet. "Bubbles."

She felt her side tenderly; there might have been a bruised rib or two. Varric was smiling slightly at her. "Good?"

Hawke stood with a sigh. "I should have stayed."

"No, you shouldn't have," Varric said firmly.

"You can't keep thinking-" Hawke shook her head and stopped. "It doesn't matter. I think… I think we should just appreciate for now that we managed to stop the Nightmare."

Varric finally let go of her arm. She hadn't quite looked at him when she turned away with a sigh. "One less," she said under her breath. "One closer."

"Closer to what?" Varric asked. She was facing away from him, watching the Wardens and Inquisition soldiers considering their victory. "Hawke?"

She shook her head. "Nothing." She took a breath, and made her way over to where the Inquisitor stood. Varric watched her; she was limping slightly, and holding her side, but even despite that, there was something that had fallen in her. She was working on steadying herself for something, and Varric didn't want to know what.

"Without the Nightmare, Corypheus loses a decent bit of his power," Hawke pointed out to Alice. "And here you are, responsible for it all."

Alice chuckled lightly. "It was all of us; I can't take sole credit."

An agent jogged over to them. "Inquisitor," he greeted her. "The Archdemon flew off when you disappeared. That Venatori Magister is still alive, but unconscious. And the remaining Wardens helped us fight off the demons."

"The question remains what to do with them, however," Hawke said. She frowned a little. "If Stroud was here…"

"What happened to Ser Stroud?" one of the higher-ranking Wardens asked.

"Stroud made a sacrifice," Alice said before Hawke could let her bitter response leave her own lips. "He understood the gravity of the situation, and he sacrificed himself so the Wardens could be spared. As of now, the remaining Orlesian Grey Wardens will be agents of the Inquisition, until such a time that the formal hierarchy is repaired."

"Then I'll head to Weisshaupt to let them know what happened here," Hawke said, stepping forward. "With luck, they'll be able to offer you aid as well."

"Thank you, Hawke," Alice said. "Maker watch over you."

Hawke smiled slightly as she turned to go. "Maker watch over us all, Inquisitor."

There was a hesitant atmosphere of optimism slowly seeping through Adamant. Hawke knew that leaving sooner rather than later was, indeed, preferable; Weisshaupt had been oddly quiet in recent months and the sooner anyone could find out why, the better for the whole of Thedas. But she couldn't leave without saying goodbye. She knew what that felt like; nothing could convince her to inflict that wound upon another.

"Well, Bubbles," Varric said, joining her as she leaned on the wall in a corner of the battlements away from the commotion. "Off to the Anderfels, then?"

"I am," she agreed, barely looking at him. "It'll be nice to see the mountains this time of year, I think," she continued with what they both knew was a forced cheeriness.

"You never were very good with the cold weather," Varric said. "I don't think you'll enjoy it as much as you think you will."

She chuckled. "You're probably right."

When she lapsed into silence, Varric moved closer and put a hand on her arm. "Lucy," he said gently. The use of her first name almost caught her off-guard. Varric's tone conveyed his concern, and the fact that he hadn't called her Lucy in years revealed his worry that this might be his last chance. "You don't have to go."

Of course, she knew that was coming. She continued looking anywhere but her friend. "Yes I do," she said firmly. "Someone has to, and it might as well be me."

"If he wasn't here-"

"This has nothing to do with him."

"-he might not be at Weisshaupt either."

"This is about the Wardens."

"We could use you here."

"You don't need me."

"I do."

"Varric." Finally, she looked at him, and her eyes were painted with pain. "I can't stay."

He sighed, giving her arm a little squeeze. "I know. I don't like it, but I know." His hand lingered on her arm before he dropped it. He attempted to adopt a slightly more light-hearted tone, one they were both far more familiar with. "Well, Bubbles."

She leaned over and cut him off with a sudden hug. "You've been a great friend to me, Varric," she said. "I cannot begin to thank you enough for everything you've done for me."

Varric was initially startled; Hawke had never been one for emotional shows of affection. But she hugged him a little tighter, and something in her touch hinted that she wasn't just planning on leaving for the Anderfels; she was leaving something behind. He didn't know what - maybe she didn't even know - but he now knew what she had been steadying herself up for since they tumbled back into reality. He realized all at once that she had been planning to say goodbye since the reality of the Wardens had first been realized. When she was denied her farewell in the Fade, she took it upon herself to ensure she wouldn't be denied again. Varric could feel an ache inside of her, a pain with no name that was starting to eke back into the light and taint her core. Try as he might to deny it, he knew she needed this. She needed to say goodbye.

He hugged her back. "Take care of yourself," he told her. "You know how to reach me if you ever need anything."

She pulled back, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I know, Varric; thank you."

He looked at her, reaching up to touch her cheek. "Give 'em hell, Hawke."

With the slightest of giggles and a smile, she straightened. "I know no other way to live." Her smile settled into place as she looked past him to see Cullen approaching. "Ah, but I do believe my next appointment is here."

Varric chuckled, and turned to leave. "I'll leave you to it, then."

He gave Cullen a slight nod as he passed the Commander, and Cullen approached Hawke with a poor attempt at masking a sigh. "You're leaving," he said.

"I am," she said, reaching out to take his hands in hers when he drew near enough. "Someone needs to go to Weisshaupt, and it might as well be me. I do so like traveling."

"You know we can send scouts, messengers- you could stay."

Hawke sighed, but pulled a little closer with a smile. "No, I can't. And you know I can't. We lost Stroud, we lost Clarel. The deliverer of this message needs to be someone who can handle herself against all odds. And looking back at my life, I think I might be just that someone."

"Is this about-"

"Maker's breath," she cut him off, but with a small smile up at him. "You and Varric, Andraste preserve me. No, this is not about Anders."

"Had you hoped to find him here?" Cullen asked, taking one of his hands out of hers to reach up and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Are you looking for him at Weisshaupt?"

"I-"

"And don't lie to me," he said before she could do just that.

Hawke chuckled. "All right, all right. I did not, in fact, expect to find him here. But yes, even though I know he's done with being a Warden, I am hoping he's at Weisshaupt. Yes, I do want to find him again. Good enough?"

Cullen smiled slightly. "Yes. It's about time you admitted that."

"I suppose it is," she agreed. She glanced away, and her smile slipped. "Look, Cullen," she started, putting her free hand on his chest. "I know… I know we weren't, er, together for long, but. But I just wanted to say… that…"

Cullen gently turned her back to face him with a hand on her chin. "It's all right," he said, stepping a little closer. "I know I was only ever a temporary distraction for you."

She looked up at him. "No, no," she insisted. "See, that's how you started out, right? Just a nice way to relax and not have to think about everything, but then you…. You actually cared," she said, chuckling awkwardly and dropped her gaze. "I figured you'd get tired of my bullshit at some point, but you kept trying to make sure I was all right, and you kept prodding me about my past, and making me think about all the decisions I've made, and even now, that's what you're doing, and I never expected to find someone else who… who cared. I've spent so long without anyone like that, and then you were here, and you cared, and-"

"You're nervous," he cut her off with a smirk, caressing her cheek. "Don't be."

She giggled; her cheeks were warm. "It's hard not to be. I was never really good with goodbyes, and you're here, and I truly wish I didn't have to say goodbye, but I do, and so I'm trying to, but you're standing here, really close, and I'm going to miss you, Cullen, and I don't know if I'll see you again, and-"

He cut off her rambling - thankfully, for them both - by leaning forward and kissing her. She responded eagerly, if aggressively, and threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling close up on her tiptoes as he wrapped his arms around her. For a moment, they stood, wrapped in that embrace, kissing each other passionately, like they were trying to say everything that had been left unsaid; deeply, like this might be their last moment together; and desperately, like the very world around them would fade into oblivion.

Cullen broke away slowly, softly, but didn't let her go. "For what it's worth," he breathed against her lips, "I love you. I don't expect you to return it. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, you aren't alone. You've gone through too much for one woman, and I can't bear the thought of you experiencing even one more moment of pain."

Hawke kissed him again, but lightly. "I know," she whispered. "You've been too good to me, Cullen. I was very lucky to meet you. Despite our differences, you always did stand beside me."

"And I always will." One last kiss, Hawke brought her hands around to hold his head, caressing his cheeks, and they broke apart. "Take care of yourself," Cullen told her, leaning forward to touch his forehead to hers. "Know that you have allies in the Inquisition, should you ever need them."

"As long as you guys succeed," she teased, just a hint of her usual playfulness as she touched her nose to his. "But I know you will. Your Inquisitor is something else."

They stepped back and looked at each other for a long moment. Hawke did her best to keep her smile hoisted firmly in place, but it was beginning to slip in the corners. She turned away. "I'll write you when I can," she said in a voice that betrayed that her smile had indeed slipped, and shattered on the stone at their feet. "Good luck, Commander."

Cullen watched as she left. Her shoulders were low but steady, her pace deliberate but slow, and her hands shook as she reached up to run her fingers through her hair. Everything about her stature betrayed her attempts at confidence. She didn't want to leave. But she was.

Then why was she? Cullen could only begin to guess, but he suspected it was because she was finally at peace- the wrong kind of peace. She wasn't content in her life, she hadn't found complacency in the events of her past like she should have. No, even though she was able to accept what had happened to her, that acceptance led her to realize that she no longer had a place in the world.

Surrounded by people that loved her, she would always be alone, because her scars made her too guarded to let anyone in, her past made her too enigmatic for anyone to relate, and her pain made her too bitter for anyone to sympathize. Even though she would always smile and laugh, tell stories and jokes, help everyone she met and change the course of history with her very presence, she would always remain a broken woman. The shattered remnants of the girl she once was were held together loosely at the seams, and the spaces between were filled with an unfathomable darkness that would prevail long after Hawke surrendered to it.

As he watched her descend a flight of stairs without looking back, Cullen sighed. That was it; she was gone. He turned to rejoin the rest of his forces. A few brief months were all he had with her, but he had learned more about her than in the seven years they had spent in Kirkwall. And what he had learned had showed him that the woman who was called Champion had spent too long worrying about everything and everyone else aside from herself; the result of which was that when she had been forced to reflect upon the actions she had taken to arrive at where she had seemingly awoken one morning, blinking confusedly into the blinding light of reality, she had resolutely decided to pretend as though none of it had happened.

It was an unhealthy attitude, one that Cullen had found himself adopting during moments of self-reflection. He hoped - perhaps even against all reason - that he had helped Hawke understand that she wasn't alone in the world, no matter how much opposition she faced. But he would never know, because - and he was still glancing to the staircase she had descended as though she might reappear at any moment with her usual charming grin and a teasing call of "surprise!" - she was gone.