CHAPTER FOUR- "Slow Me Down," by Emmy Rossum or "Big Girls Don't Cry," by Fergie
Alice walked into class alone that morning. I didn't think much of it at first- there was always the option that he was hunting with one or both of his brothers. But when the other three Cullen siblings took their seats before the bell rang for fifth period, I frowned. It completely distracted me, and I could barely focus on the lesson plan in front of me.
Where had he gone? Was my first guess right, and he was merely hunting alone? Or had he stayed home today, so as not to have to face me? My quiet heart clenched at the next thought that entered my mind: had he left? For good again?
My breath hitched as that thought swirled around me. I had to struggle to keep my hyperventilating silent, so as not to attract the students' attention. Thankfully, Jasper was alerted of my anxiety and gave me a bit of serenity and focus. When my mind was clear, I made myself a promise to thank him immensely when I started actually communicating with the Cullens again.
But with the mystery of Edward, my day went by at the pace of a snail. Think that's bad as a human? Imagine it as a vampire.
When the bell rang, I didn't even bother putting in grades. Mrs. Polke, the woman who ran the school's website, would be mad at me in the morning, but I was too exhausted from my evening of nightmares and just staring out the window. I headed out of the old building and towards my car as soon as all of the students had left.
I was so busy worrying, I didn't notice at first, but when I let myself break from my spell, I realized that there was one satisfied-looking Alice sitting on the hood of my car.
"Hello, Alice," I murmured, pulling out my keys and reaching to unlock my door.
"Don't bother," was her greeting. She smiled brilliantly as I looked up with confusion. "I already had Rosalie snatch some parts," Tilting her head to measure my expression, she patted the hood. "This baby isn't going anywhere until I say so."
"Alice," I groaned. "What do you want?" I hoped I didn't sound mean or rude, but I was exhausted, too tired to even type in grades.
"I'm kidnapping you," she said matter-of-factly. "You are getting in my car and we're going shopping. Just because you're a teacher now doesn't mean that you have to dress like an old church lady."
"Alice, please," I sighed. "I just want to go home."
"Nope." The pixie-like vampire shook her head. "Not a chance. I haven't seen you in thirteen years- we're bonding whether you like it or not. It's not right for us to just go around ignoring each other. We see you every day!"
I looked over her shoulder, where a blue car- I couldn't see what kind because of the way she was sitting in front of it, but it looked very nice- was parked, the driver's and passenger's doors open. "Is anyone else coming?" I was too tired to argue further.
She shook her head again. "Mmm-mmm. Just me. You don't have to talk to anyone else unless you want to. Spending time with me, however?" Raising an eyebrow at me as she hopped off the hood and started toward her car, Alice gave me a sly grin. "That's not an option."
Following her and sliding into my directed seat, I leaned over and rested my forehead on the dashboard. She- thank God- didn't say anything, so I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, the road was flying beneath us, and she was murmuring to herself about finding me clothes that would make me "chic as I teach."
"Hey, Bella," She said at one point, yanking me back into the waking world. "The turn-off for the mall is on the I-105, right?"
I looked up wearily at her, nodding, and sat up as I felt the car turn. Sure enough, the vast mall was stretched out in front of us, cars parked as far as the eye could see- well, the human eye. Alice parked quickly, instantly pulling me out and dragging me inside.
She chattered on about unimportant things as we ducked into the nearest Junior's store, some fancy name-brand place. "Rosalie and Emmett were supposed to be in Paris, but their flight was canceled at the last minute, and then we saw you at school and they decided not to leave."
"I'm glad," I mumbled half-heartedly, brushing my fingers over a rack of clothes at an attempt to appear like I was looking for something.
"Oh, look!" She pulled out a short-sleeved, but high-necked blouse. In midnight blue.
"No," I said immediately, a reflex.
The look on her face fell, and she looked at it as if it were a kicked puppy. "You really don't like it? But it's so cute..."
I frowned, feeling as if I needed to make amends with her. "It's just- this place is a lot like Forks. It's cold most of the time. And rainy."
Sighing as she put the blouse back, Alice nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." But that didn't stop her from finding several long-sleeved shirts in the same color, seemingly intent on filling my closet with blue, the same shade of blue that Edward had said looked good with my skin.
"Does Edward know what you're doing?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but the way I had to swallow before I said his name probably gave me away.
"No way." Alice said, with a airy laugh. "He would probably kill me if he knew I had forced my shopping ways on you." Inspecting a beige sweater, she sneaked a wary glance my way. "You know, Bella, he was practically in pieces when he came home last night."
I pursed my lips, not wanting to say anything for fear of running and screaming.
"I mean, it's Edward, so you could only tell if you really know him, but he walked in with this look on his face. I was the only one besides Carlisle and Esme who knew where he'd been, and Emmett made this joke..." She shook her head, her eyes closed. "Edward didn't even try to snap at him."
"Alice," I said firmly, giving her a half-glare. "I don't need a guilt trip."
"I'm not trying to give you one," she replied, holding her hands up in defense. "I'm just saying how he reacted to you kicking him out."
The feeling of being in an invisible box suddenly washed over me, and I felt claustrophobic. Alice was silent, but I could still feel her words weighing down on top of the box, letting the ceiling cave in on me. What was I supposed to say? Sorry I made him leave when he was the one to abandon me in the first place?
"He doesn't want me anyway," I whispered to her, my only line of defense.
"Oh, don't give me that crap." She looked up at me with an angry expression, and I once again felt as if the walls of my invisible box were getting closer and closer, cutting off the air that I didn't need. "Edward would give his life for you- and almost very well did."
"What?" I asked quietly, watching as she took our purchases to the counter and whipped out a clear credit card. "What do you mean?"
Alice shook her head, handing me one of the bags as we wandered out of the store and into one for expensive shoes. "That's not my business, but... I don't know. It might be easier for you to hear it from me." She pulled me over and made me sit down in a chair while she picked out several pairs of shoes from a rack on the wall. When she sat down in the chair next to me, she frowned, putting the shoes on the ground. "It was bad, wasn't it?" she whispered. "Real bad."
I reached down and picked up a pair of red, peep-toe pumps. "Yeah," I answered as I pulled off my own boots. "It was."
"I'm so sorry." Staring at me with wide, apologetic eyes, she put her hand on mine as I reached for the strap of the pumps. "You have no clue how badly I wanted to stay. Or to at least be able to tell you good-bye, but Edward said that-"
"A clean break would be better," I finished for her, and I was glad that the store wasn't very crowded. "He told me that." But he didn't understand. That might have been the roughest, messiest break I've ever survived. It wasn't like my leg so many Springs ago; it was as if someone had taken a chisel to the bone, splitting and then breaking me apart. Wounds like that take a long time to heal, and I still wasn't completely perfect.
"We only left because he was positive that it was what was best for you, but when I saw you jump off of the cliff..." Her voice was little more than air, and I was sure that if she was human, there would have been tears in her eyes. Probably in mine as well. "Edward just... he just died. He tried to kill himself- go to Italy and ask the Volturi to kill him. It was a miracle that Rose and I got to him in time. If it weren't for Esme's inability to lose another child and keep her sanity, Edward would have gone through with it and exposed himself to all of Volterra."
Her words were coming out too fast and low for any human to hear. It didn't seem like she was really talking to me anymore, just letting the words spill from her mouth in a frantic, panicked manner. "When we came back, he wouldn't do anything. We could only get him to leave his room to hunt, and even that was after almost a month of lying on his couch, just staring out the window."
"Wouldn't eat... or sleep..." I quoted, remembering my own depression so long ago. "Wouldn't even move..." Now, I was sure, there would be tears pouring down my face.
"What?" she breathed, and I shook my head.
"I did the same thing when you guys first left- I know what he went through. It's like..." I looked for a way to explain such pain to someone who had never felt it, like trying to describe the sensation of sun on your face or learning how to do something for the first time. "There's no point in living anymore, and you just give up." Her eyes were boring into me as my voice broke. "Dr. Gerandy thought I was catatonic, and Charlie thought he was going to have to take me to a mental hospital."
"He wouldn't play his piano anymore." She continued sadly, letting it all come out. I wondered to myself if I was the only person she had talked to about this. "The only music he listened to was Debussy and a lot of really creepy stuff. He had this one CD that was just people screaming and a bunch of horribly off-key chords." Alice shuddered. "You would look in his eyes, and there'd just be... nothing... like you were looking at a wax sculpture, or-"
"An empty shell," I finished once again, looking mournfully down at the shoe on my foot.
"I'm so sorry," she said again, shaking her head. "I had no clue that our leaving would hurt either of you this badly."
"Alice," I whispered, staring at her with a look of incredulity. "Imagine losing Jasper, alright? Now picture yourself in my place. Edward saved my life a number of times. He was my first love, first kiss... He was my entire life, and then he just said that he didn't want me anymore, like a piece of trash you can just throw away."
"But he does want you!" she exclaimed, her voice strained. Employees of the shoe store were staring, wondering why I was still only wearing one shoe and why we looked like we should be in tears. "More than anything!"
"Well, he sure has a weird way of showing it!" I hissed, and I immediately felt bad for losing my temper. "If he loves me so much, then why didn't he ever come back? Why didn't he ever call or write or say 'I'm sorry' or anything?"
"Get your shoes back on," she whispered, picking up the other boxes and taking them back towards the wall of shelves. "People are starting to stare and we don't want to be here if any of your students show up."
I nodded meekly, taking of the pump and putting it back in the box. Alice took them from me and put them in their rightful place. Looking at the floor, I let her drag me out of the store and the mall. I was relieved when we reached the privacy of her car.
"Look, Bella," she said softly, putting her key in the ignition but not starting the car. "I know it may seem like you don't mean anything to him, but really... he loves you more than anything on Earth."
My voice was breaking, invisible tears making my throat tight. "When you thought I killed myself," I began, weaving my fingers through my hair. "And after you brought him back from wherever he was... You guys didn't even come to see if there would be a funeral. Didn't even let anyone in Forks know you cared. Even if I didn't really die, how can you say that you all love me when you didn't want to call my father to say you were sorry?"
"I wanted to come down and help Charlie! I did! But after Edward's suicide attempt-" Just the thought made me flinch. "He wouldn't let any of us go anywhere near Forks! He just kept saying that we had done enough damage."
"Alice," I said, my voice low and dead. "Where is Edward?"
She was silent for a long time before she whispered, "He's probably crossing the Washington borderline right now."
It was then that I broke, leaning over my lap and burying my face in my hands. I hadn't had a full-out crying session, but this one worked well enough. My gasping breath came between tearless sobs, and for a moment, I saw Alice hesitantly reach over to rub my back, but she pulled back at the last minute. I wish she knew how much I needed someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay. I'd been alone for so long, without anyone to talk to or tell my problems, without anyone to laugh with or spend long hunting trips with, without anyone to love me. I just wanted her to remember how lonely I had been, reach across the seat, and hug me.
But the only thing she did was turn the key in the ignition.
I was so exhausted. Lack of sleep combined with all of this stress, and not hunting for two weeks made me so emotional and off-balance. But eventually, I fell into a deep and merciful sleep.
