Author's Notes
As always, I take no credit for these characters. I want to thank Martha Williamson for writing the fantastic SSD stories with her great characters that I get to enjoy dabbling with.
I am not getting this story written very quickly and I apologize for that, between life getting in the way and the fact that I am so concerned about making sure I do Martha's characters justice, it takes me time. When I get unsure if things are heading in the right direction, I like to leave the story for a few days, do some serious scene watching and then get back to reading what I wrote with a fresh eye. I just truly hope I am doing this the justice it deserves.
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
Chapter 5
'Doesn't it seem that the more we seek happiness, the more elusive it becomes?' Oliver read from his book as he sat at the table in the Mailbox Grill. He looked up from the page and blew out a quick breath.
Happiness? Yeah, elusive. Hmm, I like that word. Elusive.
For a brief second, a slight smile touched his lips as he pictured Ms. McInerney dancing with him the first time they had danced, in this very place, and the word "eschew".
Then the thought vanished as well as his smile as his mind contemplated his happiness.
Was I ever happy with Holly? Yeeahhh. At least, I believe I was.
Oliver closed his eyes as he thought about Holly and their marriage. He had been honored that Holly had chosen him. He had never felt worthy of a woman's love, and he was so touched that she wanted to marry him. He thought, at the time, that what he felt was happiness at finally finding the person he believed to be God's choice for him. She was beautiful. She was vibrant, full of explosive energy. Their love making was intense and made him feel like a whole man, but their arguments were also intense and stressful. Very stressful.
Were we happy? I.. I'm not sure, now. Obviously, Holly couldn't have been. I think… I believe…. we started to drift apart right after we married. I failed. Somehow, I failed my marriage. What could I… should I … have done to make our marriage happier?
Oliver compressed his lips and the corners of his mouth turned down. That was a problem that plagued him when Holly was here, and he still was unsure of. Short of giving up everything that made him who he was, he did not know what he could have done.
He shook his head and sighed as he pulled his mind from those distressing thoughts.
Well, have I ever really known happiness?
His eyes shifted to the windows, but he didn't see the sun shining outside, instead his mind's eye searched his memories.
His eyes softened and a warm feeling wrapped around his insides.
Yes! Yes, I did. I was truly happy when I was with grandfather. Happy. And I was truly me. No pretense, no trying, just being. And…I felt…Loved.
A single tear escaped his eye. Oliver quickly wiped it away with his index finger, looked back at his book and willed himself to continue to read.
'There is a simple and enjoyable fix. It can be summed up with three letters… F U N. Fun is the magical blending of playfulness, connection, and flow. With these three things you will find the fulfillment you desperately seek.'
A picture of Ms. McInerney, again, intruded on his thoughts. He could see himself pulling her out of the dip during their dance in the DLO. He remembered the conflicting feelings that flooded him as he had pulled her into his body and looked into her vulnerable, searching blue eyes, their breaths swirling together in that frozen moment.
The feelings he had felt that night rushed through him again and took him totally unaware. They were so powerful that he stopped breathing.
The feeling of pure happiness and of being in the right place with the right person was superseded by the horror of those feelings, just as they had been that night. He was a married man. He was waiting for his wife to come back home.
I should not be having these thoughts now, or ever! Shan.., Ms. McInerney is NOT the right person. She was not ordained for me by God like Holly was. I should never feel this way.
Yet pushing those feelings and thoughts aside was getting harder and harder for him to do.
Oliver licked his lips and searched for the peace he knew was waiting for him in prayer.
Dear Lord, please help me find my way back to my wife, back to the woman you put in my path as the one. Help me focus on what YOU ordained for my life. I need your support. I need your strength.
As Oliver calmed his thudding heart and forced himself to look back at the words on the page, he heard what he thought was Ms. Starkwell's voice saying, "When they said I was going to Denver I was hoping I'd be lucky enough to run into you. But the Dead Letter Office?"
But it was the person who replied, "Mmm, I know," that caused Oliver to startle. He knew that voice too well. He was sure it was Ms. McInerney's voice.
Oliver's body tensed and he took a quick glance over his right shoulder. Sure enough, Ms. McInerney was sitting with her back to him talking with Ms. Starkwell. Not just talking, they were chatting like pals.
Oliver turned back; he froze as his mind tried to make sense of this.
No! What's she doing here? And with Ms. Starkwell? They know each other. When? How? This can't be happening. I need to let her know I'm here. Just stand up and say hi?
Oliver glanced over his shoulder at them again. He was ready to say something, anything to let them know he was there, but he hesitated as he tried to decide what to say.
As he was hesitating, he heard Becky say, "Really? That Rita, and that funny Norman guy? I mean, they're like from another dimension."
Oliver was thrown off by that remark about his friends and was again unsure of what to do. It was Ms. McInerney's reply to her, though, that stopped him from saying anything.
"Wait till I tell you about Oliver."
Oliver was stunned. His whole body deflated, and he shook his head.
No, Ms. McInerney! What the Sam Hill are you doing?
Oliver's mind hummed. His thoughts ran so quickly they tripped over one another.
Now I can't say anything, I'm trapped. Or…. can I? Should I? Will it embarrass her? I can't embarrass her. No. Either way, this isn't good. I need to do something now or not at all.
As his mind battled this a small part of his thoughts quietly nudged in from the back of his mind, 'You know you want to hear what she thinks of you.'
So, Oliver kept his seat and kept his presence silent. He no longer read his book; his attention was all on what Ms. McInerney was saying.
Oliver was pleased with the flattering words she was using to describe him; he was very smart, educated, and charming. It was the addition of "in an old fashion way" that made him glance up and cock his head.
Hmm….OK, I will take that as a compliment, Ms. McInerney.
Shane continued, "He has the weirdest sense of humor. Scratch that. I'm not sure he even has a sense of humor."
What? Of course I do!
Shane and Becky laughed as she continued, "More of a sense of irony, really."
Irony! This is how she sees me? First, I lack fun, now humor and…. irony?
Shane continued, "He goes to church and sings in the choir, is very generous and fair. Stubborn. Oh God, he is so stubborn, Becky."
Me, stubborn? Ha! No, Ms. McInerney, you are the stubborn one.
"He talks like he expects us to be better, somehow. And that's it. Ohhh, and he loves words…."
Becky cut Shane's remark off, "And he's married."
Shane's voice, "How did you know?"
Becky replied, "He was at the department meeting. He was the only one in a suit and he had a ring on his left finger."
So, she noticed me there. Can't be surprised with Lester Kimsickle's loud mouth. Although to notice my ring, very observant.
To his ire, Ms. McInerney began to talk about him and his wife, "Yes, but, uh, his wife left him standing alone in front of the Pony Express exhibit at the National Postal Museum, moved to Paris, and didn't send a forwarding address."
If he had not been sitting unobserved listening to a conversation he should not be listening to, he would have given Ms. McInerney a piece of his mind. He had shared that information in private with her and only her, it was not hers to share with others. Although he was not happy with Ms. McInerney, Oliver's thoughts went to his marriage, to Holly, to his life in its mixed-up mess and he rubbed his ring against the hard cover of his book.
Becky's voice continued, "So, he's married to somebody in Paris."
'Yes. Yes, I am,' Oliver thought, and he sighed inwardly.
Becky's voice was pleading now, "Shaney, Shaney! Shaney, do you think maybe God is trying to tell you something? Like stop getting hung up on unavailable men?"
Oliver couldn't help silently mouthing the word, Shaney, and thinking that he could never call her that. He had enough trouble calling her by her given name, he certainly could not even picture her as "Shaney".
Shane's reply of, "Ahhh, Steve wasn't married," definitely caught his attention.
Steve? Who's Steve? A boyfriend? Had to be a boyfriend. Or is he 'still'? Why have I never heard her mention this Steve before?
Whoever you are Steve, you're not good enough for her!
Even as this thought went through his mind, he knew how absurd he was to think it, but the tightness he felt in his chest as the name was mentioned forced his mind to react.
Oliver focused on Becky's next words, "Yeah, but he was never going to get married! And somewhere in that crazy heart of yours, you knew that. But you'd still be there waiting for him to grow up if you hadn't been transferred to Denver."
He lost the next couple exchanges as his mind worked on this information.
Whoever this Steve guy was, Ms. McInerney must have been serious about him. She must have wanted to marry him. Oliver tried to picture the DLO without her there. Tried to picture him….them…not having met her. He couldn't help being thankful that she had been transferred and Steve was out of the picture.
Oliver's mind came back to the discussion behind him as Shane said in a surprised voice, "Was that you? Did you have me transferred?"
Ms. Starkwell's voice was firm but kind, "I love you too much to answer that question."
So, it was Ms. Starkwell who made this all happen. Thank you, Ms. Starkwell.
As Becky said, "Don't make me transfer you to Seattle," Oliver's jaws clenched, and he shook his head. He heard Shane laugh at this, but it had made his stomach tighten at the very thought of it. He closed his eyes briefly and chastised himself, he had no right to feel this way.
Becky's next question, though, caught Oliver's full attention, "Are you really interested in this guy?"
There was a definite pause and Oliver found himself holding his breath. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear her say yes or say no.
Her reply, "No, no. Of course not. We're just friends. You know, we are not even close friends. I did take a couple of dance classes with him, as a favor. I do think he is finally admitting his wife isn't coming back but I do see he still hasn't given up hope," produced a mixture of thoughts and emotions in him. He was both relieved and hurt that she said "no" and he wondered why she did not understand the importance of hope. Hope is what kept him moving forward.
The problem was, he could not admit to himself that he no longer had a clear idea of what he hoped for.
Ms. Starkwell said, "Well, it's a good thing you're not interested in him. Right?"
There was a long pause before Shane's stilted reply of "Right. Right, absolutely."
This did not sound convincing, even to Oliver's ears.
He was still mulling over Shane's reply when he realized that the two ladies were saying goodbye to each other. His body tensed. He wished with all his might that they would both be walking out leaving his presence unknown, but he knew that Ms. Starkwell would have to walk by him to pay their lunch bill and there would be no way to avoid being seen.
As he heard Becky's steps drawing close to him, his body tensed even more, and his eyes shifted around. He drew in a breath and quickly released it as she passed him and paid her bill. Waiting for her to turn and notice him was excruciating.
"Oliver!" Becky said in a surprised voice when she turned and saw him.
Oliver fidgeted and found it hard to look her in the face. He finally offered the only explanation he could, which was mostly true. He certainly had no intention of admitting to, or having Ms. McInerney finding out, that he found himself… well, curious.
"It was very ungentlemanly of me to remain here where I could overhear your conversation. On the other hand, it would have been just as ungentlemanly of me to stand and make my presence known, thereby embarrassing Ms. McInerney. I was caught in something of a quandary."
Becky gently laughed and her only reply was, "You really do talk like that."
Oliver knew he must be turning red and did not know how to respond or where to look. He had had no idea what Ms. Starkwell would say when she confronted him, but this was so unexpected, and it made him even more uncomfortable.
He was relieved when she added, "I won't say a word."
Oliver glanced down as she was walking past him, glad this ordeal was almost over with, but looked up when she stopped and added, "And, for what is worth, that chick in Paris was crazy to leave you." And then she left.
His body, which had been so heavily tensed, completely sank into his chair like all the air had been let out of him. He was left to his embarrassment and confusion. This whole morning had been wrought with emotional upheaval and he still had half his workday ahead of him.
Oliver closed his eyes; pulled in a long, deep breath, then slowly let it out through his lips. He quietly closed his book, stood up and buttoned his suit jacket. He knew he would have to get back to the DLO. Back to work, back to facing Ms. McInerney and, hopefully, getting the day back to normal.
