CHAPTER ELEVEN- "Best of You," by Foo Fighters. And a happy birthday to fanpire21- here's my present to you. :)
The light filtering through the window was casting rainbows off of the shiny, wooden floorboards. The Cullens had taken all of the furniture when they left, so I was sitting in the middle of what was once the living room, staring out the glass wall. My possessions were comprised of a box of old clothes, a few sentimental possessions I'd had Jacob fetch from Charlie's house, and a thin mattress the wolves had found for me. Jake had offered me his bed, but I felt too guilty.
And to be frank, it stank worse than anything I'd ever smelled.
When I was with Jacob, I could make myself believe that it didn't bother me. His scent was nothing but a minor side effect of my newly established vampirism. As was the unbearable heat of his skin and the unquenchable burning in my throat. I could convince myself that they were just silly issues that I would get used to eventually. Once I was more in control of my thirst, we'd be- ugh- married. We'd go on and leave this horrible phase behind.
But when I was alone, like at this moment, the truth nearly tore me apart: our relationship was going to be nearly impossible.
I remember wanting to be an immortal vampire more than anything. Although, that was when I had one that actually wanted me, of course. I would have given anything to be like him, to stay young and beautiful and in love forever. Now all I wanted was my mortality back. I wanted to be warm- not burning, like Jacob's skin, and not cold, like my own. I wanted to be soft and breakable again, so that I could feel more like Jacob was protecting me. I wanted to be with him, and not hurt him. And I wanted this damned thirst gone.
Outside, I heard the sounds of twigs crunching and grass rustling. There was a shimmer in the air- a werewolf shifting. My spirits abruptly lifted, and my negativity disappeared. Company had become such a luxury. Between their adversity towards what I now was, and their ever-changing shifts, the wolves' visits were rare. Jacob came whenever he could, but he usually fell asleep after an hour or so.
Jake pushed open the door, kicked it closed, and then shook out his long, soaking wet hair.
"You're here!" I breathed, leaping up and embracing him.
"Ow, Bella! Ow!" He swore, and I apologized, forcing my arms to my side. "I know you're excited to see me, but I could do without the bruises."
"Sorry," I squeaked. I was beaming at him, ecstatic, but his face was dark, his posture defeated. He'd been like this for a few days, and it made my lonely doubts stir in my mind.
He leaned down- but lord, was he tall!- and kissed the top of my hair. I watched as he hid a grimace, and he petted my cheek affectionately. "How was your day?"
"Boring," I said. "I need new books."
"I know, I know," he sighed, scratching the back of his head. "I've been meaning to go into town and see about picking you up some, but with everything-" he cut off suddenly, as if he shouldn't be talking about it, and switched topics. "So what about your old books?"
"I've memorized them," I sighed sadly. "It's like whatever I see or hear gets imprinted in my mind. I try to turn it off so I can actually enjoy the book, but I can't."
"Oh." He scowled at the glass wall behind me and sighed. He was so angry lately. I wished he would just cheer up so I could have a few hours of happiness. I was confined to this house and these woods, and it was incredibly frustrating when my only guest would frown all the time.
"Kiss me, Jacob," I demanded, frustrated.
He did so, but it was a mere touching of his lips to mine. His heart wasn't in it.
I sighed and stalked back to the living room, dropping onto my mattress. "If you're here because you feel sorry for me, you can just leave," I snapped.
"Do you want me to leave?" he mumbled, his voice low. I'd wanted him to say something sarcastic back, and he'd completely absorbed my anger.
"Do whatever you want, Jake. I don't care."
"I'm either here with you or I'm at my house sleeping. Do you want me to stay?" The way he said it... Like being with me was a burden- it bugged me. I would have teared up, had I still been human.
"I want- no." I stood up again and glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest. "I want you to tell me to my face that you'd rather be somewhere else."
"I'd rather be somewhere else," he deadpanned. He wasn't just repeating what I said either- I could hear the truth in his voice.
A snarl rumbled in my chest. My little sun was getting dimmer. He didn't want to shine on me anymore. "Then leave! Be somewhere else!"
"But then you'd be lonely," he sighed, like I was a chore. By visiting me, he was just taking out the trash or washing the dishes.
"I'm a vampire," I spat. "I'm gonna be lonely- before and after you're dead."
"I wish you wouldn't say that," he growled, running a hand through his damp hair.
"What? That I'm a vampire? Well, guess what- if you don't love me because I'm a vampire, then just go away. Run around with your brothers and let me be in peace!" This was it. After so much, he was finally sick of me.
"Would you quit being stupid!" he shouted, finally retaliating. My train of thought was completely derailed. "I said I would love you no matter what you are, and I meant it!"
"Yeah?" I asked, my fury scrambling to right itself. "Then how come you're acting like you don't want to be with me? Like you'd rather be doing anything else in the world than talking to me?" I could feel this scene etching itself into my memory. It would never fade. I would never forget yelling at him like this.
"Because I feel bad for you, okay?" His large hands fisted menacingly at his sides. "I feel sorry for you!"
"Because I'm stuck in this house all by myself?" I hissed back. "Because I can smell prey in the forest but can't drink until you say it's safe?"
"No!" he shouted. "Because- because..." His fists fell apart, and his shoulders slumped. "Because your dad killed himself three days ago. Put his gun in his mouth."
I paused, my mouth wide open, to see if he was joking, playing some cruel game. But his heartbroken expression didn't change. A fat tear rolled down his russet cheek.
"Oh, my God." I couldn't make my body move. "You're not kidding, are you?"
He shook his head, reaching out his arms to hold me. But I couldn't make myself move towards him. I could only stare at him incredulously, disbelievingly.
"Bella... Bella, sweetheart, please say something," I heard Jacob whisper.
It felt like I was crumbling to pieces. Oh, Charlie. I could distantly hear my breathing speeding up, and my too-layered mind was spinning, unable to settle on a single thought. Oh, Daddy. My diamond hard body gave out on me, falling to the mattress and curling into a ball.
My fingers tangled into my hair, and I did the only thing I could. I slammed my eyes shut and screamed.
The long, high pitched keening sounded more like a wild animal's terrified cry. It was so loud, so deafening. I'm sure that anybody in Port Angeles that day heard it and wondered what poor soul was being tortured. The tightening in my chest was building and building until it was burning a hole through my ribs. I stopped, gasped for air, and screamed again.
"Bella, Bella, please!" Jacob pleaded. I could feel his heat by my side, trying to shush me and gently pull my fingers from my hair. "It's okay! It's okay!"
"It's my fault!" I shrieked at him, writhing away from his too-hot touch.
It didn't discourage him, and he leaned over me, trying to hold me still. "Shh, shh! It's alright!"
I pushed and thrashed against him, but he didn't move away. He took the punches with muffled grunts and held me tighter. Finally, I kicked whatever I could, and there was a sickening crunch. He crumpled, falling on top of me, and I pushed him off. In a body that did not feel like my own, I flew up the stairs to the third floor, into the room I swore I wouldn't go into. I slammed the door so hard it split straight down the middle, and threw myself to the floor.
A few minutes later, I could hear Jacob sobbing outside the door with me. My cries were accompanied by shrieks and screams, and I couldn't understand why his didn't sound the same. Didn't he understand? My father, my dear, sweet father was dead because of me. Because I had to be stupid and go to Seattle when I knew it wasn't safe.
Eventually, my screaming stopped, and I could hear Embry and Quil downstairs consoling Jacob. My body still shook with sobs, and I could only stare out the big, glass wall with wide eyes. The forest was so dark now, so full of secrets that I knew all too well. The entire world seemed darker.
And the room itself was empty. Not a scrap of life in sight. I was all alone in this room. This room that held so many good memories was the only slight comfort to the consuming guilt. All my fault. All my fault.
My father was dead, and it was all my fault.
I was shocked, when I woke up in my room at the Cullens' house, that I wasn't bawling like a baby. Somehow, though, I didn't feel exhausted, like I'd been crying all through the dream. Depressed, yes, extremely so, but somehow, my subconscious had kept quiet while I slept.
I looked at the red glare of the clock by my bed. It was almost noon on Christmas day, and the Cullens were probably waiting patiently for me to awake so they could begin the festivities. I kicked off the electric blanket and unplugged it- Esme had been kind enough to leave it in front of my door last night. Plucking the four wrapped presents from my bag and pulling on an oversized hoodie, I pushed open my door and waited for the cold to return to my limbs.
There was a sign taped to the wall at the top of the stairs that said, "Merry Christmas, Bella!" A small caricature of me holding a gift was drawn in the bottom left-hand corner. I would have smiled, had my mood not been so black. My thumb rubbed the paper of the flat, square package in my right hand, and I tucked it into my sweatshirt's large pocket.
Esme and Alice were laughing when I came downstairs. None of the Cullens seemed surprised to see me awake, and Emmett patted the seat next to him on the large couch. With a half-hearted wave, I took the proffered place and put the presents by my feet. It was then that I noticed three things.
First, the large pine tree had been lit and decorated. The metal that Rosalie and Alice had retrieved the night before had been twisted and shaped into beautiful shapes. The tiny white lightbulbs reflected off of the shiny tin and aluminum ornaments, making the whole tree seem to glow. An intricately carved angel stood at the top of the tree, gazing down peacefully.
Secondly, Carlisle was standing behind Esme, who was seated in the white, leather seat. He was smiling at me warmly, his face like the sun. "Good morning, Bella," he said, his voice like silk. "I apologize for not being here earlier."
I tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a wince. I was already distracted, noticing that, thirdly, Edward was sitting on the floor with Alice, in place of her husband. "Where's Jasper?"
It may have been my imagination, but Alice's eyes suddenly seemed tighter, her smile less genuine. "He stepped out. He was feeling..." She and Edward exchanged a cautious glance. "Overwhelmed."
Perfect. So even if my sleep talking didn't alert them to my horrible nightmare and dark disposition, the emotion-reading vampire did. Stupid vampire abilities. My eyes cut towards the exit. How much of my torment had Jasper been subjected to?
"He told us to go ahead and start opening presents if you woke up before he returned," Esme said, patting the hand that Carlisle had placed on her shoulder. "I'm sure he'll be back soon." Her mask slipped when I nodded, and something flashed in her eyes. She was practically bleeding worry.
"I'll go first," Alice announced, crawling over to the tree and picking up a wrapped box. She stretched over the coffee table to hand it to me, and I took it gingerly. My lips pursed. I could feel every person watching me as I carefully pulled the plaid, green paper away from the white box. Inside were my shoes. My shoes from Junior prom. "You only got to wear one," Alice explained, looking almost embarrassed. "I figured that you might want to try them out again now that you know that you won't trip and fall."
Not likely. "Thank you," I murmured, touching the light blue ribbons. They felt like silk.
"Next!" Emmett called, reaching for the tree. Rosalie, on his other side, bent over and picked up a decorative bag, stuffed with tissue paper. He nodded his thanks and handed it to me. "For when Alice's frou-frou stuff gets to be too much."
Knowing he wouldn't mind, I skipped all the nice and polite pulling-out-the-paper ceremony. I turned the bag over, and it all fell into my lap. The top item was a pair of gray sweatpants, and they felt softer than fleece. There was a white t-shirt under that which read, "Sarcasm is my second language."
"Oh, dear," I sighed, holding up the shirt so they could see. "Alice, I'm afraid this won't match the shoes."
"There's that famous wit!" Emmett announced, clapping me on the shoulder.
I smiled, and caught Edward's eye. He was grinning crookedly at me. Butterflies danced in my stomach, and I let my eyes fall to my knees. His gift poked me from inside my pocket.
"Whose turn is it?" Esme asked, looking pointedly at Edward.
His smile wavered a bit, and he picked up a flat package at his side. It was a simple large, white envelope with a gold bow in the corner. He made sure that our fingers didn't brush when I took it from his hand. "I don't usually write down my compositions, because it's extremely tedious, but I thought you might want to learn to play someday. Now that you have the time."
The folder inside was a lot thicker than I had expected it to be, each page tucked neatly inside a plastic sleeve. Dots and swirls and lines danced across what I remembered was called a staff. Not all of the arrangements were labeled, but many, if not most, had titles like, "When Emmett and Rose Argue," and "What Jasper's Thinking Right Now." I stopped on the piece titled, "Isabella."
I glanced at the piano, which was half-hidden by a wall. It looked shiny and well-dusted, but something told me he hadn't touched it in a long time.
"Thank you, Edward." My voice bobbled on his name embarrassingly, and I cleared my throat to try and disguise it. "I'm sure I'll never be able to play them as well as you."
Esme glowed at my compliment, as though it was meant for her. Alice leaned over and whispered something in Edward's ear, and they both snickered. I tried to ignore the feeling that they might be talking about me. It would be stupid to get worked up over something trivial, like I had the night before.
There were three presents left under the tree, and Carlisle picked up one of them and gave it to me. "This one is from Esme and I. And from Jacob Black, too."
"Jacob?" I whispered, thinking back to the crunching noise I'd heard when I broke his leg trying to kick him off. Guilt smothered me.
"He wishes you well," Esme smiled warmly.
It was a black velvet box, so I knew immediately that it was jewelry. I stuck the silver bow on my knee, tucked Edward's compositions under my thigh, and pushed open the lid. In a half-second, Edward was at my side, pulling the delicate charm bracelet from its cushion and holding it out for me. The links looked like they might break and fall apart, but I extended my left wrist so that he could put it on. It sparkled, though there were no diamonds, and three little charms sang as they clinked against each other. Lightning shot up my arm when his fingers bumped against the underside of my wrist.
He didn't apologize.
"It's beautiful," I told them as Edward melted back towards Alice. I held it up so I could see it better, and the silver winked in the light. The first charm that I noticed was an intricately carved wolf, smaller than my thumb nail. It had its head thrown back, as if it was howling at the moon. This was Jacob's. The second was a phoenix, a bird of power that rose from ashes, its wings stretched out wide. And the last charm was a key. The three I had hidden under my shirt brushed against my skin as a reminder. They had put this one here to keep me wondering. The need to know was torturous.
"Jasper suggested it," Carlisle began warily. "He takes it upon himself to be the psychologist in the family. He told us that you needed to have something that represents yourself. Something you can change up whenever you feel like it."
"Which means that I get to buy you all sorts of trinkets," Alice interjected.
I stuck my tongue out at her, and she grinned. The bracelet, light as it was, was a weight on my wrist. It reminded me of Jacob, and who I used to be. I used to be happy.
"Speaking of Jasper," Esme murmured. "I'm getting worried. Emmett, would you mind going and looking for him? He shouldn't be too far."
"Sure, Mom." The friendly giant lumbered gracefully off the couch and out the door.
Esme looked up at Carlisle. "Do you think we should wait for them to get back so they can watch her open the present?" she murmured, quietly, but not like she was trying to keep me from hearing anything.
"I'm sure it won't take long," the doctor replied smoothly. "Go ahead and give it to her."
Alice clapped her hands happily, and Rosalie- closest to the tree- picked up the largest present. It was wrapped in silver-swirled paper, and three different sizes of ribbon had been used to make an intricately tied bow on top. I pressed my lips together. "Actually, Carlisle and Esme, why don't you guys open my presents first. Just to give them a little more time."
The woman in the chair beamed like I had just told her she won the lottery. "That's a wonderful idea, Bella!"
I picked two of the gifts at my feet and carefully handed them over. A hidden part of me wanted to take them back and hold them tight, never let them go, but they were doing me no good sitting in a box in my closet. They took their gifts, and I tossed Alice hers. They were all wrapped in newspaper, with ribbon I had used for a project at school tied into pathetic bows.
Edward was looking to the side, his brow furrowed. My hand slid into my pocket to retrieve his present, but a tiny voice whispered, "Charlie's dead. Charlie killed himself," and I couldn't pull it back out.
Alice and Carlisle ripped the paper, tearing it away, but Esme slid her finger beneath the tape and popped it open, neatly unfolding the newspaper. I kept quiet as they ooh'd and ahh'd over their trinkets, turning them this way and that.
"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said, squeezing Esme's shoulder. She was opening the music box in her lap, beaming as the notes floated up. Alice was already trying on her new necklace.
"My dad gave me that when I was eleven," I whispered, pointing at the tiny gold swan around her neck. "But I never wore it because I was such a tomboy. And that pocket watch," I pointed at the gift in Carlisle's hand. "That was my dad's, given to him by his grandfather." Esme's gaze turned sympathetic and sad as my eyes landed on the box in her lap. "He gave that to my mom before they got married."
"We'll take good care of them," Carlisle assured me with a nod.
Esme gave Edward a watery gaze. "How far out are your brothers? I'd like to give Bella her present now."
"I can't hear their thoughts," he replied. "I'll try and listen out for them, though."
She nodded. "Rosalie? Would you mind?"
The blond slid the large box over to the seat between us, and I gingerly untied the bow, pushing away the ribbon and the curly string. I could smell leather the second I ripped the first tear, and my hands found something smooth as I tore off the paper.
The scrapbook I held in my lap would be heavy for a human. The leather cover was dark brown and smooth, and it smelled like the couch that my mom had when I was a child. My finger traced over the large gold letters that spelled out, "In Remembrance." My name and birth date were inscribed in loopy letters on the side. "A scrapbook?" I murmured, looking up at Esme curiously.
"Edward's idea," she smiled, nodding at her son.
My eyes cut to him. He nodded encouragingly, and I flipped open the cover. The very first page hosted two pictures: one of my mother holding an infant Bella at the hospital, and the other, baby-me again, but this time cradled awkwardly in Charlie's arms. They looked so young and happy. It was hard to believe they were my own parents. The first couple of pages passed like this as my parents went through their "baby's first" phase. And then, at the fourth page, my parents didn't have any pictures together.
I couldn't really attach any of these pictures to a memory. Most of the things I remember were from the last few years of my human life, and whatever I dreamed about every so often. Everything else was fuzzy and incomplete- a faint whiff of perfume, a flash of someone's face, an incoherent voice... Most of these memories- like the picture somebody took of a much-younger me with braces, and the scribbled coloring sheet that was dated 2003- I didn't have. They weren't mine.
But some of them, I still held. There was a picture of me and Edward at Junior prom, which made my chest ache to see. Another prom photo held me and Alice, juxtapose, as Emmett's hand formed bunny-ears over my head. A year or two later, and there was Billy, Charlie, Jacob, and I standing on one of the tallest cliffs in La Push. I turned the page, and a shot of my left hand, with Jacob's engagement ring on my third finger, looked up at me. There was a rip straight down the middle, but someone- either Jacob or one of the Cullens- had taped it back together.
Two pages later, and there were no more pictures. The scrapbook was maybe ten pages filled, and it stopped on two newspaper articles, one with a school photo of me and the remains of my truck in Seattle. Another with a picture of me and Charlie. My shoulders shook as I pressed a hand to my mouth. I'd never seen these before. This was why Jacob hadn't brought me the newspaper that week after I 'died.'
The Cullens were quiet, nervously so, as they watched me read those two stories again and again. I don't know what happened, but something in me shifted. A dam breaking maybe, or a sudden crack of thunder, and the sky begins to pour. My entire body started trembling with fury, and I slammed my eyes shut. My teeth found their way into my bottom lip, and I bit down hard.
"Bella? Are you okay, sweetheart?" Esme asked faintly, worriedly.
"Uh-oh," Alice whispered.
"How could you?" My voice was broken and soft, and I dug my hands into the sweatshirt I wore. "How can you call me that to my face?"
"Bella, I- I don't understand."
I opened my eyes- Carlisle had taken his hands from her shoulders and moved a step towards me. As if I was a threat. Alice and Edward stood up, and Rosalie looked like she might pounce.
"You were the first person who was ever really a mother to me." The breath I took in was cold and hurt my lungs. "How could you claim to love me and then leave me behind?"
"I do love you," Esme insisted, wringing her hands. "You know I love you, Bella."
"Then how could you force me to go through all of this alone?" My hands balled into fists, and I exhaled forcefully.
"Bella, please don't blame Esme." Edward took a step forward. "This was all my decision."
"You're right!" I shouted, pushing the scrapbook harder than I meant to. It flew across the coffee table and crashed on the floor. "You're the one who picked me out of everyone else, told me you loved me, and then left. Nothing went right after the day you abandoned me in the forest."
"Abandoned you?" I don't know if he meant to, but his voice raised, and anger furrowed his brow. "I left you in plain view of your house!"
"And what did you expect me to do?" I laughed bitterly. "Mosey on back inside, fix dinner for Charlie, and let him hold me as I cry? I thought you knew me better than that." He never knew me at all.
"Of course not! I didn't assume you'd be happy if we left. If I did, we would have been gone long before your eighteenth birthday." His face was dark and angry and glorious. It made me want to scream and cry at the same time.
"You knew it would screw me up and you did it anyways!"
"Do you still not understand?!" He threw his hands up, staring at me like I was stupid. "I thought it was best for you!"
"Yeah, everything went perfect, Edward. Absolutely perfect."
"Bella." Rosalie stood up, holding her hands out defensively. "I get that you're mad and all- a lot of crap happened, and we understand that. But that's no reason to yell at us. We didn't screw up your life. These things happen."
"My father is dead, Rosalie!" My hands ached to shove her, which surprised me, since I wasn't usually a violent person. "He killed himself because he thought I was dead. Because Victoria bit me. Because you guys weren't there." It sounded horrible coming out of my mouth, and petty- like I only wanted them there to protect me. But it was truly how I felt.
"Oh, come on," she sneered. "You had your precious wolves. It's not our fault they were sleeping on the job."
"Rose," Carlisle snapped, holding up a hand at her. "That's enough."
"You don't care that she's yelling at us for no reason?" Her beautiful face twisted at me, in a way that made me remember a glimmer of high school.
"She has her reasons," Carlisle said evenly, like I wasn't even in the room. I wanted to smack him. "And we're not going to tell her that what she's feeling is wrong. It's okay for her to be angry at us."
"It's not Esme's fault," she hissed. "It's not mine or Alice's! I refuse to be the victim of some misplaced hissy fit." Rosalie glared pointedly at me, and I snarled.
"Like when you were so polite to me in high school?" I said sarcastically. Hatred, pure and hot, echoed the taste of venom in the back of my throat. "Thank you for sparing me that."
"Rose, I think you should leave," Alice interjected calmly. "We're trying to make amends with Bella, and you're not helping any."
"No!" I objected. "I think it's about time I started this. You come back into my life after leaving so long ago and expect me to welcome you with open arms? I don't think so."
"Bella," Carlisle said softly. "We wanted to stay- we really did."
"So, why didn't you?" I scoffed. "Edward's not the leader of this coven- you are. At any time, if you cared about me at all, you would have stepped in and said something."
"We thought he was right," Alice insisted pleadingly. She put a hand on my arm, but I shook it off. "We thought it was best for you, but we honestly didn't want to leave you."
"Then why didn't you call?" I looked at her incredulously. "Even if it was the best thing for me, when you saw me jump off the cliff, you didn't even call to see if there would be a funeral!"
"So you were trying to kill yourself!" Edward accused.
"No!" I shouted, actually pushing him away. "I wanted to hear your voice, dammit! When I put myself in danger, I could hear you talking to me again! I wanted that! Because I loved you! I jumped off a cliff in the middle of a gathering storm so I could hear you tell me to stop being stupid."
"Bella, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I lied. I swear I did. I loved you then, and I love you now." His golden eyes begged me, pleaded with me. "It killed me to tell you otherwise. I thought you'd forget us and move on."
"I loved you, Edward! Did you think so little of me? That it was just a school girl crush, and I'd lose interest if you gave me long enough? If you really cared about me like you say you did, you would have come back to me!" A snarl ripped through my chest, and Alice reflexively moved into a half-crouch. "Was it your pride?" I shouted at him. "Did you want to see how long you could make yourself stay away? You said you loved me more because you would leave me if you had to. Were you trying to prove that you loved me more? Because that's a really stupid way of doing it!"
"I'm sorry, Bella," Esme whispered, a hand held over her mouth. She stood up and glided out of the room.
"Congratulations," Rosalie said dryly. "If anybody loves you, it's Esme. Do you like upsetting her or something?"
"Upsetting her?" I glared, hissing at her between my clenched teeth. "Yes, I live for it. Just like how I love knowing that Charlie killed himself. I'm sorry I have to hurt her- I really am- but I am not going to pretend like I'm happy about the way you treated me."
"Bella," Carlisle warned, shaking his head.
I didn't stop. The anger was too hot and indelible. "You left me. You led me to believe that you all loved me and then took that away from me. You gave me all the danger with none of the safety."
I shuddered as I thought of my changing. "I endured excruciating pain. Alone. Because the only person who wanted to be near me was a werewolf who was too caught up in his own tragedy to think about me!"
"Okay," Rosalie interjected. "We get it. You're pissed. What do you want us to do about it?"
"I just want you to know how I felt!" I shouted. "I want you to know how horrible it feels to know that someone you loved died because of how miserable he was. I want you to know what it's like to be alone for ten years with nobody to talk to you. Nobody to love you or tell you they want to be with you."
"I'll talk to you," Edward insisted, stepping forward again. "I love you. I want to be with you." He hugged me, held me tight.
I struggled and pushed away."Do you remember what you said that day in the forest?"
"Every word," he told me solemnly, clenching his fists at his side. "There were some days where it just ran through my mind over and over again."
"Then you remember when you told me to take care of myself?" I glowered, folding my arms over my chest like I child.
"Of course."
"'For Charlie!' 'For Charlie,' you said! I tried, I did, but if you cared so much about me like you say you did, why didn't you say, 'take care of yourself... for me'?"
"Bella, I had to make you believe I didn't love or want you. It was the only way you would let me go." His eyes were honest- I couldn't say that he was lying. But it still hurt so much. "I love you, Isabella. I swear on my soul I love you."
"You don't even believe you have one," I spat.
"What would you like me to swear on?" he asked, taking a step back and holding out his arms. "On my parents' graves, I swear. On my family's life, I swear. I swear on the sun and the moon and the sky- I swear, Bella, I swear. I love you." He whispered this last sentence, and a shudder ran down my spine. His words held magic, entrancing me like they did so long ago.
"But is that enough to let myself forgive you? Where's my guarantee that you won't leave?" My heart ached, like I'd just suffered an attack. The pain in my chest was unbearable, and the doubts in my mind were even worse. "You told me you loved me once, and then left anyways."
"I swear," Alice whispered. "I won't go. We won't go."
"What if I want to go?" I hissed, edging towards the door. "What if you've hurt me too bad? Maybe I want to turn around and run, never come back? I could disappear- you'd never find me."
"You promised," Edward croaked. "You promised you'd stay as long as we did."
Damn. "And what did you promise me? That day in the hospital?"
"That I'd stay as long as it was best for you," he quoted. "I'm sure I remember just as well, if not better, than you."
"Well, maybe it's not the best thing for me anymore," I spat. "You were once, but now this might just be too hard for me to handle." I made eye contact with each person in the room before doing my best to walk calmly up the stairs and into my room. I flung the sweatshirt off, sat down on my bed, and put my forehead to my knees.
"So..." I heard Rosalie whisper. "Is she staying?"
"I don't know." Alice's voice was broken, like she was crying. "I can't see her."
I wrapped my arms around my center, trying to steady my breathing. Those words...
I swear, Bella, I swear. I love you.
How was it possible that after so long, after believing that he was cold and insensitive, and that he didn't care for me at all, that he still seemed to be every bit as in love with me as that day in our meadow? And how was it possible that after throwing out anything that reminded me of him, rebuilding my life from below the ground up, and swearing that I'd never love him or any of the other Cullens again, that I undeniably still did?
