CHAPTER TWELVE- "I Don't Want to Want You," by Lesley Roy

"I'm trying, Jacob."

My boyfriend loomed over Charlie's living room as he paced. He was like a tiger in a cage- or, more appropriately, a wolf, scowling darkly at the floor. "No, Bella, you're not. You're not even attempting to let go of those leeches."

"I am!" I insisted angrily from my spot on the couch. "I have!"

I was never a very good actress. I knew when my lies fell flat, but I was improving. I got better every time Jacob asked me who I loved most.

"You have?" His tone was mocking, doubtful. "You've finally realized that you're better off without them?"

I'd never be better off. I'd learned that so long as I lived, there was always going to be a piece of me missing. But for now, for Jacob, I could lie. "Yes," I said, doing my best to keep his gaze. "I don't need them."

"Or want them?" he asked slowly, seeming to actually believe me this time. He'd stopped in his pacing and was watching me with his thick, black eyebrows raised.

"Or want them," I said as firmly as I could, my hands clenching in my lap. The denial made my heartbeats heavy and painful, and I hoped they wouldn't give me away.

He stared for a long time, trying to decide whether to believe me or not. Then he pursed his lips and disappeared. When he returned, he had a small device in his hand. He pressed a button and aimed it at me. The video recorder my mother bought me for my nineteenth birthday stared at me with a tiny, blinking light.

"Say it again," Jacob demanded. "Say it like you're saying it to him- them."

"Why?" I asked indignantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Just do it, Bella," he sighed impatiently.

"Tell me why."

"I'm going to have Quil and Embry track down the Cullens," he said his voice vibrating with authority- it'd been like this since his and Sam's last argument. "They'll give this to them. Make sure they don't come back and wreak havoc all over again.

He thought they'd come back for me? The thought was stupid. They were done with me. I supposed he couldn't see it, because he was on my level- or at least, closer than him- but they'd never come looking for me. "No, Jacob." I glowered at him. "You're taking this way too far."

"Too far?" He threw his hands up and sighed exasperatedly. "Bella, I love you! And it kills me to see you so upset over people who hurt you. They left, Bella. They didn't appreciate you." Kneeling in front of me, he pressed the recorder into my hands. "This is the only way you'll ever get over them." He squeezed my knee. "They're already over you."

"I won't do it," I told him firmly, pulling legs away. "It's cruel and mean." And there was no use in hoping that they were missing me.

Sighing, he stood up and backed away, leaving the recorder in my lap. "Maybe. Just think on it, Bella. It's best for you- you'll see."

"I won't do it," I repeated as he kissed me on the forehead and edged toward the door.

"Just think on it." His hand reached for the doorknob. "You don't have to decide right now."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

With a lopsided grin, he waved goodbye and disappeared into the rain. He seemed to come and go whenever he pleased, barging in and making me mad, and then sweet talking me into forgiving him before moving onto his next stupid thing. It was what I loved and hated most about him.

I stared at the recorder long after he left. Even after I got up to start dinner, I kept glancing into the living room. Because, what if Jake was right? What if telling them that I didn't want or need them was a way to get rid of all this hurt and anger. Thinking about rejecting them, whether they cared about me or not, made my chest tighten. They would probably watch it together as a family, all crowded on top of their designer furniture.

No. If I knew Edward like I thought I did- which, actually, wasn't very well, considering all that I'd assumed about him while he was here- he'd want to watch it on his own- demand to watch it alone.

So, what would I say?

I moved dinner onto the back burner- figuratively and literally- and sat down on the couch. Leaning over to set the camera on top of the TV, I pointed it at me and clicked "record."

"Hi... Edward." The name was foreign in my mouth after so long of not speaking it. "So, it's been a couple years since you left, and I just wanted to get some things off my chest."

I felt silly talking to the camera. I was completely improvising, and I feared that I would run out of words. Lifting my chin a little, I looked directly at the camera. The red light winked at me.

"I get that I'm just a human, okay? I'm clumsy, I jump to conclusions, and I cry when I get mad. I can't be perfect like you. I bruise easily, and I've got a tendency to attract danger. But that was still me when you promised me forever. I want to know what changed, because it sure wasn't me. When did you realize that you're too good for me?" I laughed bitterly. "Or better- when did that become enough to make you leave? You know, you sneer and make fun of human relationships, but in the end, you're nothing but a teenage boy yourself. After the chase is over, you realize you didn't get exactly what you wanted."

I could feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes. I didn't want to cry- not that I'd ever get the courage to give this to Jacob to pass on to the Cullens- but it just seemed like defeat to me. So, I glanced down at my hand, and the silver band on my third finger gleamed up at me. I held it up so the camera could see. "Jacob and I are getting married. Jacob Black. Because he never pushes me away, and... and because he actually lets me have fun, and because..." I exhaled sharply. "Because..."

I felt my lips moving, trying to form words that wouldn't come. I probably looked like a goldfish, just sitting there gaping and staring. But I couldn't make my mind focus on Jacob. Every single thought was occupied with Edward and our relationship. Remembering how protective he was just made me remember that he loved me- or thought he did. Remembering that he loved me just made me remember that I loved him. Remembering that I loved him just made me realize that I still did and always would.

"I still miss you," I whispered, twisting the ring around my finger. It suddenly felt heavy. "Sometimes I dream about you, and then I wake up and I can't move, it hurts so much."

I felt a tear slip.

"I hate this." My voice was still small. "I hate what you've done to me. You've ruined me- came into my life and wrote your name all over everything. It's not fair."

More tears trickled.

"How come you can tear my heart apart so easily, but you don't even miss me enough to call? How come you can just walk away, but I'm stuck here loving you for the rest of my life?" I coughed out a teary laugh and brushed my sleeve against my wet cheek. "There. I said it. I still love you, Edward. My stupid, broken human mind isn't quite the sieve you think it is."

In my head, I could see his beautiful, perfect face, mouthing the words he'd killed me with so long ago. But I couldn't hear his voice. That sound was something my mind just couldn't produce.

"I thought you loved me," I sobbed, my shoulders shaking. "You said you did. I believed you. And now I'm stuck here loving someone who doesn't care that I'm alive. I care about Jacob, and I have to lie to him every day. I'm hurting him because I can't-"

I had to stop to cover my face and bawl for a moment. Thinking these things were one thing- saying them aloud was another matter completely. I was embarrassed- humiliated- by this display of human weakness. There were just reminders all around me of those five words: "You're not good for me."

"You're hurting me," I cried, wiping away as many tears as I could with the heel of my hand. But for every one I pushed away, it seemed like two more poured out. "Every breath I take is like acid. And what's worse- what's worse is that there's nothing I can say, nothing I can do to make you love me." I folded over on myself, the pain in my middle leaving me breathless and dizzy. My hand flew to my mouth, like I needed it to hold something back. Not a scream, because there wasn't enough air in my lungs to produce anything worthy of that, but a silent scream nonetheless. One that vibrated through me, shaking the foundation of everything that stood. A scream loud enough to deafen me.

And the camera saw it all.

It was very obvious, when I awoke, that I wasn't on Charlie's couch or my own sheetless bed. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Edward, his beautiful face outlined with the light from the hallway. He was standing in my open doorway, straddled over the threshold. There were indentions on the brass doorknob where he was holding it too tightly.

"I can leave... if you want..." His voice was ragged. It sounded pained. "You were calling my name- I thought you needed me."

I sat up slowly, surprised to remember that I couldn't cry anymore. Even so, I felt that tightening in the back of my throat as I looked at my first real love, the person who tore me to pieces. But I wasn't angry. No, I'd spent all that with my screaming a few hours earlier. All I felt was a deep and profound need. My arms raised weakly, and I heard myself croak, "Edward."

He was holding me in an instant, my legs straddling his lap as I sobbed into his neck. He was so strong, so solid, so there. His hands were on my waist, in my hair, touching my face- everywhere at once.

"I'm sorry," I cried. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"Shh, shh, Bella, no." He kissed the top of my head. "You have every right to be angry. I'm sorry."

"You- you thought it was best." I shook my head, but I couldn't speak. Thirteen years of hurt was pouring out. He murmured soft apologies and affectionate words, pushing back my hair and kissing my temple.

"Was it a bad dream?" he crooned into my ear.

I nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I swallowed and pulled back. "Over there, in my jacket." He turned to look at the crumpled fabric on the floor. Leaning over, he picked it up and handed it to me. His present fell into my lap. "This... I made this back in Forks." I handed him the DVD. "Jacob wanted to find you-" I gulped down another sob- "But I didn't let him."

Edward looked at the jewel-cased disk in his hands and then gently pulled away, kissing the top of my head before disappearing down the hall. The room instantly felt lonelier, and the tears came again. It felt like I had so much to cry for- for Charlie, for the wolves, for my mother, for the Cullens, for myself... One decision- one that went all the way back to moving in with Charlie- disrupted all of our lives.

It didn't seem like any of this could bring any good. Not enough to make up for so much heartbreak. How could there be enough happiness in the future to justify Charlie's death and my mother's tears? Was it possible for the world to start moving again, when everything had stopped the day Edward left? Something inside me was shifting, accepting and grieving. A part of me wanted to look to the horizon with hope, but for now, the pain was consuming.

Edward returned, but he didn't sit down with me. He took a place in my rocking chair, a portable DVD player in his lap. The blue from the screen illuminated his face, and the perfection of it sent another sob down my spine. A few seconds passed, and I could hear my voice, so different than the one that had been coming out of my mouth for ten years.

I curled into a ball as I heard myself speaking- at that time, only receiving a taste of the pain that was to come. This Bella was so naive in thinking that this one loss determined her fate. She had no idea that there was so much destruction ahead of her. The first time I heard her voice break, a shudder passed through me that didn't fade for many moments. It was a dual pain, the one for me and the one for this girl from the past.

And if I thought I had known pain before, it was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw Edward lift a hand to his eyes, his shoulders trembling. On the video, I knew, I was doubled over, my face probably hideously mangled in my attempt to quell the storm inside of me. But I had to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from making potentially embarrassing noises- Edward was crying. It was so completely wrong, so twisted. Angels should not be allowed to cry.

His eyes fell on me, black and tortured. "Bella," he whispered, letting the DVD player fall to the floor. We reached for each other, and I clung to him as he sobbed with me. "I had no idea," he groaned. "Bella, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I shook my head, my face buried in the crook of his neck. "I felt so worthless. You didn't want me."

"I want you, you stupid girl." He was kissing my face, covering every inch of skin. "I can't live without you. I need you." His hands pushed back my hair and held my face between his palms. "The only reason I could ever separate myself from you would be that it'd kill you to have me near."

"It killed me to have you gone." I tangled my hands in his hair and pulled his face to mine. His lips gave beneath my kiss, so different than it used to be. I wouldn't say that everything was suddenly better, but the burden I'd been carrying- the guilt, the loss, the self-loathing- it all seemed a little bit more bearable with Edward pressing me to him.

"I know, love, I'm sorry." His shoulders shook heavily, and I held him tight. "I'll never leave. I swear I'll always be here- whether you want me or not."

"I'll always want you," I told him firmly, the authority in my voice dampened by the roughness of invisible tears. "So, if you're going to say that you better mean it."

He kissed me again, deep and slow. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."