Hello, my loyal readers! I just wanted to post a quick warning that this chapter and really the rest of the chapters from here on out will be containing major spoilers for episodes 20, 21, and the season finale of Season 4. If you haven't seen them and don't want to be spoiled then you might want to hold off reading this!
Otherwise, read, review, and enjoy! : )
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Chapter 5
Pain.
That was all he could feel. White hot pain searing through him with each strike his punisher inflicted on him. Castiel was chained to the floor, his arms outstretched to each side. His captor struck him across the back with a long, thin rod which sliced into him causing the pain and leaves welts and cuts across his back. The blows fell on him in steady measured strikes.
One… two… three… ten… twenty-five… fifty… two hundred…
Castiel had lost track of how long he had been there. It could have been days… weeks… even months… But it didn't matter anymore. He prayed to his Father, begging for his forgiveness. Prayed that the end would just come… that the torment would end… He understood now a small part of what Dean had suffered while in Hell. Here, there was no hope. There was no hope of mercy. He had sinned against his Father and now he would face the consequences.
Dean…
It was crazy for him to wish with all of his heart that Dean was there with him. That Dean could somehow manage to show up and save him. Castiel knew there would be nothing Dean could do to stop any of this. In fact, it had been foolish to have contacted Dean in the first place. He could only hope no other angels had found him and that Dean and Sam had managed to take his former vessel to safety.
Five hundred… five hundred and one… five hundred and two…
Never ending… this would be his existence now… eternal torment… eternal suffering…
One thousand…
Please, Father… please forgive me… I only wanted to protect your beloved creatures… and Dean… please forgive me… please forgive the sins I committed with him… I was wrong… I was wrong to love him that way… I should have never involved him in my transgressions… I know I am unclean before you, Father… I deserve nothing from you… I have disobeyed… but please… please… I beg You for Your mercy… please, Father…
"That will do for now," A voice suddenly said from behind him.
The endless rain of blows ceased. Castiel slowly raised his head to see Zachariah walk in front of him. The angel stood there and studied Castiel, shaking his head.
"Castiel," Zachariah said with a sigh. "I have seen many angels stray in their actions, but I must say I never would have expected you to be one of them."
Castiel dropped his gaze and closed his eyes. He didn't want to talk. He didn't even want to think anymore. He just wanted the end.
"You have certainly strayed, my friend," Zachariah continued, ignoring Castiel's silence. "First, you develop… well… an unnatural attachment to your charge… a fondness that one should never have for a creature far beneath you as the humans are. And then you disobey for this human, betraying your brethren."
He paused and his face darkened.
"And then… you let those… emotions get the better of you. You chose to pursue Dean Winchester and fornicate with him. And that's after you allowed yourself to have carnal relations with that traitor, Anna."
"No…" Castiel whispered weakly, shaking his head. "I didn't…"
Zachariah let out a derisive snort. "Do not insult my intelligence, Castiel, with lies. You allowed yourself to be tempted by the sins of the flesh and in doing so dragged Dean Winchester into your sick desires. Quite frankly the whole thing disgusts me."
Castiel heard Zachariah move. He forced himself to look up to see the angel set a dagger on a nearby alter. Blue inscriptions glowed softly on the blade and handle. Castiel felt a bolt of cold terror course through him.
"Your grace should be cut out, Castiel. It is impure and you have not proven yourself worthy of it of late. You should become fallen. Be cast out of Heaven and sent to Earth. It would be arranged that you would be in a place as far from Dean Winchester as possible, never to see him ever again."
Those words were as painful as the torture Castiel had already suffered. Grief overwhelmed him and he slumped weakly against his chains, closing his eyes. Zachariah watched him for a moment before letting out an annoyed sigh.
"As much as you deserve the fate I described, Castiel, we do have a bit of a dilemma."
It took a moment for the angel's words to process. Castiel hesitantly looked up.
"And what is that?" He asked weakly.
"The problem is Dean Winchester." Zachariah shook his head in frustration. "Unfortunately for us, you are the only one he seems to really listen to. You're the only one he seems to actually trust."
"Me?" Castiel asked quietly, slightly amazed.
Zachariah rolled his eyes. "Yes, you. He's been calling for you ever since we brought you here. I've tried sending him other angels as replacement. They have appeared to him in his dreams. However, these meetings have gone less than well. His words to each of them have been, and I quote, 'I have a fucking angel so back the fuck off before I kick your holy angel ass.' Your attraction to him is quite obvious when he talks that way."
For the first time since he left his vessel Castiel felt a small degree of comfort. Dean wanted him. He actually told the other angels that he wanted Castiel and no other. Castiel had to force back the smile he felt coming.
Zachariah could still see the joy in the angel's face.
"I see that pleases you. And I'm sure you want to get back to him, however, there is work to be done and we require Dean's compliance."
He knelt down before Castiel and looked him in the eye.
"We are going to make a deal," Zachariah said calmly. "You are going to get Dean Winchester to do as we order. He will carry out his duties so that the prophecy will be completed. You will ensure this happens. In return, you will retain your grace and no one will know of your… indiscretions… they will only think you disobeyed your orders, but have since recanted."
Castiel felt a knot in his gut.
"No…" He said quietly. "No, I will not let you use Dean to bring about the Apocalypse."
Zachariah sighed impatiently.
"Sam will be the one to break the final seal, but Dean is still needed to bring it all to an end. You must ensure his compliance."
Castiel shook his head.
"No," He repeated. "No, I will not betray his trust. I would rather fall than do that to him."
Zachariah shook his head sadly.
"I was afraid you would say something like that. You are always the noble, self-sacrificing one."
He leaned forward and grabbed Castiel by the chin, forcing him to face him.
"Then heed my words, Castiel. Should you choose to not aid us you will lose your grace and be cast out of Heaven for all eternity. You will never see Dean Winchester ever again. We will also smite Dean's demon brother, Sam, and we will ensure Dean is the one to break the final seal. Then once his use is completed he will be cast back into Hell to suffer for all eternity. Is that a more appealing outcome?"
Horror filled Castiel. He stared at Zachariah, dumbstruck. He couldn't believe they would do such a thing, but also knew deep down how determined the superior angel was. Castiel closed his eyes, too filled with grief to meet the other angel's gaze any longer.
I'm sorry, Dean.
"Yes," Castiel said quietly. "I will obey your orders."
Zachariah smiled and nodded approvingly.
"I knew you would see reason," He said, letting go of Castiel's chin and giving him a pat on the cheek. "Just remember who you serve. You serve God, not man. And you do not serve Dean Winchester."
Zachariah stood and raised his hand.
"Go. I believe your presence is needed."
***
He knew it wouldn't be difficult to convince Jimmy to allow him to use him as a vessel once more. He hadn't wanted to make the man suffer again. He also didn't want to drag a poor human child into the war that was to come. But the child was a willing and capable vessel and the demons present had to be stopped. So Jimmy called him back even after the warnings and Castiel agreed finally. He felt Jimmy rest once he was inside of him and Castiel felt even more guilt as he got up and walked away, seeing the suffering of the man's family.
He desperately tried to ignore Sam and Dean as he began to leave. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to try to explain what had happened. The wounds he had acquired in Heaven imprinted themselves on his vessels flesh, a permanent mark of his disobedience that would pain him for all eternity. It also served to remind him of what could never be with Dean.
"Cas, hold up."
Dean's gentle words stabbed Castiel through the heart. He forced himself to turn around.
"What were you going to tell me?"
He had practiced his speech before returning, however, the words were still painful to say.
"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven. I do not serve man." He gathered up his strength to utter the final words. "And I certainly don't serve you."
Castiel could see his words cut through Dean like a knife. He couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes any longer. He turned and left the warehouse, his heart overflowing with grief and anguish.
Surely falling could never be as painful as this.
