Chapter 14

Arizona woke feeling strange, she felt rested, which was impossible because she hadn't felt like this in years, not since… Callie. Turning over she was alone, but still the scent remained, Callie had been in bed with her. Why? Shame built up inside her as the memories returned.

"Stupid…stupid…..stupid" Arizona muttered to herself as swung her leg out of bed, Callie must have moved it as the last thing Arizona remembered was cuddling Sofia on the couch. What was worse was just how well she had slept. 9 hours, she hadn't slept for that long in ages, not since Callie had left. She hadn't felt this safe since Callie had left and she hated herself for it. Hated herself for needing Callie, when Callie felt suffocated by her, when Callie had moved halfway across the country to get some space. She shouldn't need Callie, she should be strong, a good man in a storm.

Opening the bedroom door Arizona smelt something, her stomach rumbled. Embarrassed at her behavior, her need for Callie, Arizona crept down the hall.

"Hey, I made breakfast" Callie called from the kitchen. "Waffles, with chocolate syrup and banana." Hope you are hungry."

Arizona nodded, as her daughter ran past her.

"I washed my hands mamma can I help now please" Sofia begged.

"Okay, well I have cooked the waffles, so I need a special helper to help put them on the plates and add the chocolate" Callie instructed. Sofia nodded seriously, the chocolate syrup spreader was the most important job in the waffle making process.

With the fruit and syrup on Callie brought the plates to the table.

"Thank you" Arizona said confused, why was Callie staying here? Why was she cooking and cleaning and staying. Didn't she feel suffocated? "These are delicious" Arizona complemented.

"Mamma makes the best waffles" Sofia cheered, "You make good pancakes mommy" she offered, not wanting Arizona to feel excluded.

"Thank you, baby." Arizona replied, knowing her daughter was trying to be nice. Realistically Callie's pancakes were much better. Hers were normally store brought reheated pancakes. "These are good Callie". Arizona said, amazed she was on her second one, she hadn't eaten this much in months, not since Callie had left.

"Thanks" Callie replied, watching Arizona demolish 2 waffles. "How did you sleep?"

"Really good" Arizona said nervously, was that a dig? "I'm sorry" she said feeling like more a failure, why was everything she did around Callie feel wrong, make her feel incompetent, probably because Callie was everything, Callie was perfect, and everything Callie did made her feel strange.

"For what?" Callie asked confused, trying to think what Arizona had done to apologize for. She looked at Sofia who seemed ignorant of the conversation instead she was absorbed in the cartoons on the television.

"For you know…." Arizona gestured at everything. Callie shrugged even more confused.

"No" she replied slowly,

"Suffocating you, I mean I asked you to stay for Sofia's sake and you've cooked this morning and this afternoon, and you carried me to bed, and slept over, because I was so needy." Arizona said blushing, not wanting to admit it wasn't just Sofia that she had invited Callie to stay for.

"No, sweetie, no" Callie intervened, worriedly, she hated that Arizona was so unwell, so unsure of herself, "I like cooking, I love making you and Sofia food and last night I slept better than I had in weeks" she confessed.

"Me too" Arizona said shyly, glad it wasn't just her feeling like this. Feeling like something special was happening between them, something that was making her panicked and excited at the same time. She rubbed her expanding stomach feeling the baby shift,

"it's amazing to think Sofia never got this big" Callie marveled, fighting the urge to touch Arizona's stomach, she loved feeling Sofia move when she was inside and longed to feel this baby move. Arizona noticed her expression.

"It's okay, you can feel her" Arizona encouraged. Callie gently placed her hands on Arizona's stomach, feeling the baby move,

"Wow she's active" Callie praised,

"She doesn't normally react like this to people" Arizona said surprised, at how active she was being today.

"Can I feel mommy" Sofia asked, jumping up running over to her. Arizona nodded placing Sofia's hands on the right bit, where the baby was kicking.

"She likes me" Sofia said dancing,

"You know she can hear you" Arizona lectured gently, Sofia's eyes lit up, "Hello, my name is Sofia, and I am your sister, I love you and I'm going to share all my toys, except my medical kit, but you can try it if you're gentle." Sofia narrated, "when is she coming?"

"A few weeks?" Arizona guessed, "we never know with babies, they come when they want".

"I was early" Sofia announced, "Mommy started my heart".

"She did, she was really brave" Callie praised, "Nobody else could have done it but mommy loved you so hard she started your heart".

"Well, Mamma loved you so much she protected you, even when it was going to cost her everything, she protected you in her stomach" Arizona replied, risking a look at Callie, shocked, at the love in her eyes, all Arizona felt was guilt, still, it was her fault they had crashed, her fault that Callie had been hurt, her fault Sofia had been born early.

"Hey Sofia, why don't you go wash up" Callie ordered, watching as her daughter danced out of the room,

"What's that look?" Callie questioned gently, she recognized that look, it was Arizona's guilty look, "You saved Sofia's life".

"No, I hurt her, I hurt you both, I wasn't looking at the road, because I was proposing to you, because I was thinking that you are the most beautiful person in the world and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and we crashed." Arizona replied. "I only saved Sofa because I nearly killed her,"

"No, it was an accident," Callie cried, "Arizona, please," Callie gently took Arizona chin, forcing her to look at her, wishing she had known how much guilt Arizona carried around earlier. "I don't blame you; Sofia doesn't blame you; you shouldn't blame you" she ordered gently stroking Arizona arm.

"You should blame me, I ruin everything like the affair, you have to hate me for that, I hate me for that". Arizona spat, walking away from Callie. Callie sighed, this was going to be a long conversation, taking out her phone, texting Meredith, as Arizona walked back to her room tears running down her face. She didn't deserve Callie, or Callie's forgiveness, not when she still held so much self hatred.

"Hey, can you collect Sofia?" she asked, in a few seconds the reply came,

"Sure, be there in 10." Meredith text back, Callie went to find Sofia, who was playing in her room,

"Hey bub, your mommy and I have arranged for you to go and play with Zola for a bit is that okay?"

"Yay" Sofia cheered, dancing around her room, "I want to show her my medical kit, can I mamma?" she asked, referring to the over-the-top kit Cristina had sent her for Christmas.

"Sure, as long as you are careful" Callie replied, wondering where Arizona had gone and what she was thinking, she focused on Sofia, helping her get ready and waved her out. With Sofia safe, and happy, she could now focus on her ex-wife.

Arizona was lying on her bed, sobbing hysterically, curled in a ball facing away from the door. Callie felt her heart break at just how much pain Arizona was in. Slowly she approached her,

"Arizona?" she asked nervously, wondering why Arizona was upset, why she'd been poking her earlier. Truthfully, she did blame Arizona for their separation, she had cheated, how could she not, and it still hurt, but time had eased some of those feelings and she could appreciate their had been a lot in their relationship, and their communication had suffered.

"Sorry, you don't have to be here, I'll be okay, I just need a moment" Arizona replied her breaths coming in small gasps, Callie walked the rest of the distance, gently lifting her into her arms holding her tightly, she wanted Arizona to know she was here, that she didnt feel suffocated, in fact, she felt the opposite, she wanted more.

"I'm here, Arizona, I'm here," she soothed.

"No, it's my fault, it's all my fault, you should go Callie, I hurt you, and Sofia, I deserve this" Arizona sobbed. "I deserve it all. What I did to you was unforgivable, this is karma, this is all karma".

"No" Callie denied, horrified "No, sweetie, that's not how the world works and even if you are the worst person ever, and you aren't, but even then, you wouldn't deserve it. And you aren't evil, you are amazing, and you definitely didn't deserve it." Callie promised,

"But…" Arizona began to protest,

"No, there are no buts. We were in a relationship, we both hurt each other. We paid the price, we split up, and that hurt us both, a lot. I needed space, I moved away, and got perspective, and you stayed here and went through hell."

Callie sighed, wishing more than anything she had stayed, maybe she could have been there, protected her, at least she'd have noticed something was wrong, made Arizona talk, she was always good at that.

"I'm okay, if you want to go" Arizona said interrupting her thoughts, shuffling away, she didn't want Callie to stay because she felt she had too.

"What?" Callie replied surprised and slightly hurt, did Arizona not want her around?

"I don't want to suffocate you, not again, so it's okay, if you want to go," Arizona lied, shuffling away from Callie slightly,

"No, you didn't," Callie said, bringing Arizona closer again, "No, it wasn't you".

She felt Arizona tense from under her, and she knew she had to explain.

"Let me explain, please, in 3 years, we were in a shooting, you moved to Africa, we had a baby, I got disowned by my mother, we were in a car crash, I died, Sofia died briefly, we finally got back on our feet and your childhood best friend died, a plane crashed, Mark dies, you lose your leg, we lose our baby, and you cheat. It was a lot," Callie reflected, "everywhere I looked I saw ghosts, not just from you. We were traumatized and both only just hanging on. We had one counselling session, after the shooting, that was it, we survived so much, more than anyone should. We needed help, but were both so used to just surviving" Callie continued, holding Arizona closer, "We survived, and we are both here, both seeing counsellors, and I'm not saying we have too rush into things, but I want you to know, I still care, and I still want a relationship with you, my door is open. Whenever you are ready." Callie promised,

"What if I'm never ready?" Arizona asked nervously, she felt so broken and wasn't sure she could ever be that close to anyone again. Not even Callie.

"That's okay too, I love holding you like this, I love being close to you, I don't need much to be happy, but I know I need you, Sofia, and the baby in whatever capacity you can give me, friends, best friends, or wives. I'm here for you Arizona, I'm here for us, for our family, I don't want to be an Aunt, or a family friend to your baby, I love her so much already, even though she isn't here yet, because she is you. I can see her with her blue eyes, and dimples, playing with Sofia, you telling me off because i can't say no. I want to be her mamma, I want to adopt her like you did Sofia, I want her and I want you. Now I'm not saying this to scare you off but I think it important you know, I'm here for the long run." Callie promised, wiping her own tears away before doing the same for Arizona. Her hand then went to rest on Arizona's stomach, she loved feeling their baby,

Arizona sat silently, it sounded right, and somehow raising the baby with Callie sounded right, it felt less scary.

"I want that too" Arizona replied quietly, "I want my child to have a mommy and a mamma, I want to be us again. I'm scared" she admitted to her surprise Callie chuckled,

"I remember taking Sofia home, I was terrified, I mean I liked babies, I wanted a baby, but they just let you leave with her, and she was so small, there were no parents tests, or trial runs, you just get to go." Callie reflected, "It was a leap of faith, but we did it, team Sofia, we rocked it".

"We did, Sofia is awesome" Arizona agreed, jumping up suddenly as the baby shifted in response to Callie's touch. "Toilet, your daughter is kicking my bladder" she told Callie accusingly. Callie grinned; she loved Arizona calling the bump her daughter. It just sounded right.

Woo, baby has a mom and a mamma, hope you like the dialogue,