"Damn that Lovegood!", shouted Mad-Eye Moody when Harry had told him what had happened. "She'll be the death of us all!".
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think I have something that'll help us defeat Voldemort", said Harry, pulling something out of his pocket and giving it to Moody.
Both of Moody's magical eyes went spinning over the device.
"What the heck is this thing, Potter?", Moody asked in a whisper.
"That", said Harry Potter proudly, "Is a Horocrux-Detector. I got it off the internet".
"Did ya, now?", asked Mad-Eye Moody, his voice still in a whisper. "From all of my understandings of the muggle world, if there's one thing a man can't trust, it's stuff they find on the internet".
"Yeah, well, it's worth a shot, isn't it?", asked Harry wth a shrug. "Besides, the website told me where we are to find the remaining pieces of Lord Voldemort's soul. One of them is in Diagon Ally, one of them is in Hogsmeade, and the other two are hidden at Hogwarts".
"Hogwarts?", gasped Moody, his voice in a softer whisper than ever. "Potter! Don't you get it? Someone is trying to bait you! Someone is setting a trap!".
"Nonsense", said Harry, taking the Horocrux Detector back from Moody and placing it back in his pocket. "After all, who would've even known that I was going to go on the internet that night?".
"I still don't like it, Potter", growled Moody. "I smell trouble".
"That's probably actually Gwarp you smell", said Hagrid with a chuckle. "He don't smell too nice, do ya, Gwarp?".
Meanwhile, across the yard, Lupin was appologizing to Mrs. Weasley about what had happened for the 10,000th time.
"I am terribly, terribly sorry for eating your son", he said sadly. "Although, if it makes you feel any better, he tasted quite delicious".
Mrs. Weasley continued to sob. "Just go!", she wailed. "Just go, you filthy werewolf!".
Suddenly, Lupin belched loudly in Mrs. Weasley's face.
"Pardon me", he said with a small blush. "It happens every time after I--".
"Remus!", Tonk's exclaimed. "Don't you realize what you just did to poor Molly Weasley? You burped the remains of her own son in her face!".
"I did?", said Lupin, rubbing his head a little as though trying to remember what had happened. "Oh, I guess...I did, didn't I?".
"I think it would be best if we left", whispered Tonks, taking Lupin by the arm and dragging him away.
"My appologies again, Molly!", Lupin called back to Mrs. Weasley as he walked off with his girlfriend. Harry could see the former Hogwarts teacher licking Tonks across the face, and he was not sure if this was a side effect of his transformation or just the author inserting pointless and disturbing sexual content into the story.
"Bloody hell", said Ron, shaking his head as he watched the couple walk off.
All of a sudden, Harry remembered that he hadn't told Ron and Hermione about the Horocrux Detector.
"Oh, Harry, I'm really not so sure about this", said Hermione as she held the strange device in her hands. "What if this is a trap set by you-know-who?".
"You mean Lord Voldemort", said Harry, doing the same obnoxious thing he always did to provoke people.
"Please don't say his name!", whispered Ron through gritted teeth.
"And be careful, Harry!", whispered Hermione through equally gritted teeth. "You shouldn't go believing stuff that you find on the internet!".
"Why ever not?", asked Harry.
"Because muggles can post anything that they want to on the internet", said Hermione matter-of-factly.
"Yeah, Harry", said Ron, looking over Hermione's shoulder to examine the Horocrux Detector in her hands. "You know, my dad had a friend in the ministry who believed everything that you read on the internet. He went to 'Youcaneatexplosivesandsurvivedotcom'".
"What happened to him?", asked Harry.
"He blew up", answered Ron simply.
Hermione dropped the Horocrux Detector on the ground and burst into tears.
"Oh, Harry, don't do it!", she sobbed, leaning over Harry's shoulder and hugging him. "Don't blow up!".
"Yeah, Harry, don't do it!", cried Ron, also bursting into tears and hugging Harry from the other side.
"You guys are gonna kill me!", mumbled Harry from between his two friends, but they didn't hear him. They cried and hugged Harry for about half an hour.
After this scene, worthy of a second-rate soap opera, was finally over, Harry picked back up the Horocurx Detector and placed his hand over his house.
"I swear", said Harry Potter, tears of determination rolling down his face. "I swear, on my father's grave, that Lord Voldemort will pay for what he did to my parents! That he will pay for all of the terror he has caused, all of the lives that he has ruined! I swear, on this very day, that I will kill him!".
Ron's mouth hung open for a second before he spoke.
"Your father is buried at my house?".
But Hermione hadn't been paying any attention to Harry's lame speech. She was too busy staring at his butt.
"Harry", she asked softly. "Where are the pants?".
"The what?", went Harry, who had no idea what Hermione was talking about.
"The Traveling Pants!", shouted Hermione. "The pair of jeans that fit on all three of our arses! The very piece of cloathing that was supposed to bind us together as friends!".
"Ah", said Harry, remembering the seemingly pointless plot element from the fourth chapter. " l left them at home".
Hermione then dropped so many F-bombs that the fanfiction would lose its T rating if the author typed so much as a fourth of them.
So, in an effort to keep things family-friendly, the author will bleep her out.
"YOU COMPLETE BLEEP!!!", shouted Hermione, her face growing red with fury. "YOU COMPLETE, ABSOLUTE BLEEP! DO YOU NOT GIVE A BLEEP ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP, YOU BLEEPER?!?! ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH KILLING YOU-BLEEPING-KNOW-WHO THAT YOU ARE GOING TO JUST FORGET EVERYTHING THAT'S IMPORTANT, YOU BLEEP?!?!".
"Killing Lord Voldemort is important!", growled Harry.
"DON'T SAY HIS BLEEPING NAME!!!", roared Hermione. "YOU DO THAT TO BLEEPING SCARE US, YOU BLEEP!! YOU COMPLETE MOTHERBLEEPER BLEEP!!".
"Blimey, Hermione!", gasped Ron, his eyes growing a bit wide. "Since when do you talk like that?".
Hermione took a deep, long breath before answering.
"I don't know", she said finally. "For some reason, fanfiction authors see me that way".
"This is getting us nowhere!", shouted Harry. "Right now we have an incredibly important choice to make: We can either go about finding the pieces of Lord Vol-er, you-know-who's soul with my handy Horocrux Detector, or we can do a step-by-step rip-off of what J.K. Rowling wrote in the seventh book".
"That's right", said Ron, scratching his beard. "This is an AU now".
"You have a beard?", went Hermione, looking at Ron's chin and drooling slightly.
"Haven't you noticed?", asked Ron.
"Er, no, I haven't", went Hermione, growing very pink.
"Well, what do you think of it?", said Ron, getting very close to Hermione's face. "Do you want---to bite it?".
"ENOUGH!!!", shouted Harry, trying to prevent an overly graphic Hermione/Ron sex scene from taking place. "Let's go kill you-know-who!".
"Okay", said Ron, looking into Hermione's eyes.
"Whatever you say, Harry", said Hermione, giggling slightly.
"Fine", said Harry, pulling out his wand and holding it very close to his face. "We've got some Death Eater arse to kick!".
The author is hoping that T-shirts with that saying will be available someday at Hot Topic.
Meanwhile, far away from this dramatic scene, Lord Voldemort was sitting in the living room of the Dursleys' house, trying to remmeber his past.
It had been so long ago. When he had sewn together a magical pair of pants by candlelight. How he had cast a spell on them that would make the wearer feel the warmth of the last person who had worn them.
He remembered how he had left them at Lily's front door one day. How he had watched her open the door and notice a small package at her feet. He thought about how she had been so overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing them that her head exploded. And he wondered why the author thought it would be funny to play that joke twice.
Lily Potter took the jeans into her house. She went to the toilet. When she came out of the toilet, she was wearing the jeans (Voldemort knew all of this because he could see through walls back then).
She went outside. She danced around in the jeans. She sang, "These are the best bloody jeans I have ever worn! I am so happy!".
It was then when she heard a giggle from somewhere.
"Who's there?", she asked.
No answer.
"I heard someone giggle", she whispered. "Is someone spying on me?".
She then heard the laugh again. This time she knew that it had come from a bush.
Lord Voldemort covered his mouth. He didn't want Lily to find him.
But his wish did not come true. Lily opened the bush that he was hiding in and gasped.
"Oh, my God!", she gasped. "What is wrong with your face, young man?".
"Nothing", said Lord Voldemort, trying to get out of her view. "It was just a little sunburn, that's all".
Lily examined him for a moment. "You remind me of someone", she said after looking at him for a bit. "Have we met before?".
"I can't say that we have", muttered Lord Voldemort, still trying to stay out of her view. "I really must be going".
He climbed out of the bush. For the first time, Lily saw his face in the sunlight.
"I think...I've seen you in the papers", she said, rubbing her chin. "Are you a famous actor?".
"Uh...yes", said Lord Voldemort, turning away from her. "I'm Russel Crowe, and I'll throw a telephone at you if you don't give me my bloody pants back!".
"These are your pants?", she asked. "Well, if you want them back, you can have them".
She then took them off. Outside. In the front yard.
Lord Voldemort noticed that Lily shared Britney's bad habit of not wearing underwear.
Not that he was complaining, of course.
"Here are your pants back, Mister Crowe", she said as she gave them to him. "I must say that you are one lucky devil. They made my bum feel lovely".
"Thanks", said Lord Voldemort, grabbing his pair of pants and running off into the woods.
Yes, Lord Voldemort thought. It was very long ago.
He was now sitting in the chair that Dudley had been sitting on when he had killed him (And, just so the reader knows how sick and twisted the author's mind is, we will insert here that Voldemort ate Dudley after he murdered him). He was deep in thought. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily Potter.
"I loved her", he whispered to himself. "But she didn't give a fook about me until I killed her".
He placed his hands over his face. "I killed her! I killed the woman that I loved!".
He then stood up and placed his hands over his bottom. "And my pants don't even feel like her anymore! They feel like Harry Potter!!".
He looked up at the sky and shouted to the heavens.
"I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS, HARRY POTTER!!!", he shouted. "I WILL GET YOU FOR WEARING MY SPECIAL PAIR OF PANTS!!! I SWEAR, HARRY POTTER, THAT I WILL KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!".
Lord Voldemort paused after he said this and collected himself.
"Oh, right", he muttered. "I was going to do that anyway".
