"Potter's Log, date unimportant. I have taken my two sidekicks Ron and Hermione with me on a dangerous mission to destroy the remaining pieces of Lord Voldemort's soul. We have reached Diagon Alley which, if what on the internet is true, holds one of the..."
"Cut it out, Harry!" moaned Ron. "You're annoying me and Hermione."
"Yes," added Hermione. "And what do you mean by sidekicks?"
"I guess that's the way that he's always seen us, Hermy," said Ron. "Harry Potter's silly sidekicks, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."
All of a sudden, Hermione looked excited.
"Do that again," she whispered.
"Do what again?"
"Call me what you just called me."
"Harry Potter silly sidekick?"
"No, the other thing you just called me."
"Hermy?"
"Yes!," cried Hermione. "Call me that again!"
She looked at Ron with hunger in her eyes. Ron grinned at her.
"Hermy," he growled. "Hermy, Hermy, Hermy!"
Apparently overwhelmed by this, Hermione began to take off her dress.
"You know what I think?," she said, with a very, very dirty look on her face. "I think that I have to go to the toilet. Do you have to go as well?"
"Nah," replied Ron, shaking his head and scratching her beard. "I just went a few minutes ago."
Then he understood what Hermione meant.
"Actually, now that you mention it," he said, starting to get a look on his face that was almost as dirty as Hermy's, "I do think that I have to go. I did drink a lot of coffee this morning."
And despite Harry's protests, Ron quickly picked up Hermione and carried her into a nearby bathroom. He thought that he noticed Hermione practicually chewing Ron's beard off as he did so.
"Idiot sidekicks," Harry mumbled to himself. "They have no idea what's at stake here."
Of course, they couldn't. They were not Harry Potter. Only Harry Potter could fully accept just how important it was for Lord Voldemort to die.
After waiting for a few minutes, Harry decided that he wouldn't be seeing his friends anytime soon, so he took the Horocrux detector out of his backpack (he has a backpack?) and examined it.
"If I'm correct," Harry said to himself. "This thing should start beeping the instant that it gets near a piece of Lord Voldemort's soul."
Suddenly, the Horocrux Detector began doing just that.
"Brilliant!" Harry shouted. "You-Know-Who, prepare to taste my shit!"
At this point, the author would like to point out that he still hasn't won any writting awards. He has no idea why.
Harry Potter put the Horocrux Detector in the palm of his right hand. In his left hand, he held his wand. On his back, there was his backpack. On his face, there were his glasses. In his head, there were thoughts of victory.
If only he had been able to read the last chapter. Then he would know that he was walking into a trap.
A trap that would lead to the death of a major character.
But Harry remained oblivious to the evil that he held in his right hand. He began pacing around Diagon Alley, careful not to step on any owl shit, and also careful not to bump into anyone as he did so. Eventually, he heard the beeping start to get louder.
"Brilliant!" shouted Harry. "Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT!!!"
No, Harry was not reviewing this fanfiction when he said this.
But he was heading straight for a girls bathroom.
The very bathroom that Ron and Hermione were doing Dumbledore knows what in.
"Great," mumbled Harry to himself. "This is going to be awkward."
But he had no choice. There was something that he needed in there, and nothing was going to stop him from going in there.
Not even the possible sight of Ron and Hermione naked on a toilet playing very dirty games with the bathroom tissue.
Of course, there was actually nothing in there that Harry needed (unless he needed to take a dump). The reader should know by now that he was being set up.
Harry placed the Horocrux detector back into his backpack. He then walked into the boys bathroom, went into a stall, and placed his backpack on the dirty bathroom floor.
"Why do men always miss the toilet?" he muttered to himself with disgust.
He then dug around his backpack. He knew that it was in here somewhere. For if he, Harry Potter, was going to walk into the girls bathroom without causing alarm, then he would need to look like someone other than Harry Potter when he went in there.
Like, preferably, a girl.
"Ah!" he shouted. "Here it is!"
He took out a mask, like the ones that they use in "Mission: Impossible," and placed it on his head. He then took his wand and pointed it at the ceiling.
"Acio Keira Knightley's voice!"
Somehow, for reasons that the author won't bother to explain, Keria Knightley's voice was sucked out of her and into Harry's wand. He then placed it in his mouth and sucked on it.
This somehow also worked.
"Brilliant!" said Harry, who now sounded and looked exactly like Keira Knightley, only without her chest.
Her amazing, amazing chest.
Mmmmmmm.
The author, of course, typed that last part by mistake.
Harry Potter/Keira Knightley walked out of the boys bathroom (which was conveniently empty) and went into the girls one.
"Oh, look," said a girl who was washing her hands. "It's Keira Knightley. When did you start wearing a stupid backpack?"
"My backpack is not stupid!" Harry Potter/Keira Knightley snapped at her. "Have you heard anything that sounds like two people having sex?"
The girl looked at him/her blankly. "What?"
"Have you heard any...you know, sex noises?"
Before long, this fanfiction is surely going to lose its T rating.
"No," the girl answered. "All I heard was two voices shouting "Oh, God, no! Don't kill us! Please don't kill us!"
Harry Potter/Keira Knightley sighed. Hermione and Ron were apparently making even more passionate love to each other than he/she had thought.
But before long, he/she realized that this wasn't the case, for who should pop out of a toilet stall but Bellatrix LeStrange.
"Keira Knightley," she said, with twisted, awesome, evil delight in her voice. "I know who you really are. My Harry Potter detector started beeping the instant that you entered."
Keira Knightley/Harry Potter was furious.
"What have you done with my friends?!" he/she shouted at her.
"You'll find out only if you cooperate," giggled Bellatrix. "Oh, and one more thing: Avada Kedavra!"
Harry Potter/Keira Knightley closed his/her eyes and braced himself/herself for death.
But it didn't come.
He/she opened his/her eyes. The girl who had insulted his/her (this is getting old!) backpack was dead.
"I can't have anyone watching our conversation with each other," she said simply. "And I love killing people, so I look for any excuse I can get to do so!"
"If it's a fight that you want," growled Keira/Harry, dropping his/her backpack on the floor, "then it's a fight that I'll give you."
He/she ran towards Bellatrix, fists flying through the air. Unfortunately, the Keira Knightley mask was not intended for physical combat, and Bellatrix Lestrange was able to knock it off with one punch.
Harry lifted himself up and spat out some blood.
"Alright," he growled, but still with Keira's voice, "now you've made me angry!"
He charged at Bellatrix a second time. But she had a trick up her sleeve that he wasn't counting on. She had cast the Imperious Curse on Ron and Hermione, and ordered them to come out from the bathroom stall in which they had been hiding.
Harry was somewhat relieved to see that they weren't naked, although Hermione's dress was torn apart in a pointlessly exploitive, sexy way.
They both charged at Harry, fists flying.
"Guys, it's me!" Harry shouted at them, but it did no good. They were under the Imperrious curse, which meant that they couldn't control their own actions. As far as they were concerned right now, Harry was just someone to beat the living shit out of.
Harry had no choice but to fight back. He swung a punch at Ron, but Ron ducked, and promptly gave Harry a swift kick in the stomach. Harry fell to the floor and immediately threw up. As he did so, he could feel Keria's voice leaving him, mainly because the author was getting sick of having to deal with that plot element.
"You're finished, Potter!" shouted Bellatrix. "The only way that you're going to survive this is if you kill your friends!"
Harry knew that he couldn't do that. At least, not yet. But before he could think of another answer, Hermione pounced on him and began throwing punches at his face. Harry kept pulling his face out of the way as quickly as he could, causing Hermione to punch holes into the bathroom floor. At one point, one of her fists became stuck in the floor as she did so. Harry seized the opportunity and flipped Hermione off of himself. She flew through the air and crashed through a bathroom stall door. Harry heard a splash.
Now it was Ron's turn to attack. He ran into a bathroom stall and pulled the seat off of one of the toilets. Apparently, the Imperrious curse gave him Hulk-like strength. He charged at Harry with the intention of smashing his skull, but Harry ran out of the way in the knick of time. Ron ended up smashing one of the sinks instead.
Water was now splashing everywhere, making the floor wet (duh!). Unfortunately for Harry, he didn't realize this until he slipped and found himself sliding towards the stall in which he had sent Hermione a moment ago.
Hermione was waiting for him. Her hair may have been soaked with toilet water, but that didn't stop her from coming up with a creative way to dispose of her opponent. She had made a rope out of toilet paper and was going to strangle Harry with it once he landed. He ended up landing with his face only inches away from Hermione's bare feet, which she used to kick his glasses off.
"Alright," Harry growled. "You've officially pissed Harry Potter off!"
He reached for his glasses and was fortunately able to quickly locate them. After putting them back on, he got to his feet and grabbed the toilet paper rope that Hermione thought would kill him. Using his strength over her to his advantage, he tied Hermione up with her own weapon and then kicked her in the butt. She flipped through the air as she landed butt-first into the toilet.
"Toilet shrinking spell!" Harry shouted at he pointed his want at the toilet bowl (wait, he still had his wand?). The toilet bowl started shrinking, causing Hermione's butt to get stuck.
"One down," Harry said to himself. "Two to go!"
He left the stall and went looking around for Ron, but he couldn't see him anywhere. He didn't know that Ron was right behind him, this time holding an entire toilet, which he had raised above Harry's head.
Harry didn't know that Ron was there into he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, which revealed Ron's location to him. He quickly turned around and pointed his wand at Ron's weapon.
"Toilet exploding spell!" he shouted, causing the toilet to do just that. As it exploded, a piece of it landed on Ron's head, knocking him out.
"It's just you and me, bitch!" Harry shouted at Bellatrix. "I'm going to prove to you that Rorschach wasn't the only person who could kill someone with a toilet!"
But before he could do that, Bellatrix cackled and snapped her fingers. She vanished an instant later.
"Oooohhhh," he heard Ron moan. "Bloody hell. What happened?"
"Help!" he heard Hermione scream. "My arse is stuck in a tiny toilet! Why am I stuck in a toilet? Does the author not have any dignity at all?"
"Ahhhhhhhhh!" cried Ron. "Why is Keira Knightley's face on the floor?!"
"Gaaahhhhhhhh!!!" cried Hermione. "I can see a dead girl from here!"
But Harry wasn't really thinking about any of that stuff at the moment. His attention was drawn to the Horocrux Detector, which wasn't beeping anymore.
He sighed. Wherever the Horocrux had been, Bellatrix had taken it with her.
Oh, how wrong Harry was.
