"Sorry again that we tried to kill you, Harry," Ron told his friend for the third time that evening.
"It's alright, Ron," Harry sighed. "It's not really your fault or anything. Your mind simply isn't as strong as mine is. How could I expect for you to resist the Imperious Curse?"
Hermione made a small moaning noise. Ron looked at her with concern.
"You okay, Hermione?"
Hermione made another small moaning noise.
"Why would I be okay?" she moaned. "I had my bum stuck in a toilet for two whole hours this afternoon. Two whole hours!"
She let out a small hiccup, then looked at the bartender. "I'll have another butterbeer, please."
"But you've already had eight of them," said Ron with even more concern in his voice than before. "You should maybe take it easy."
"Take it easy?" Hermione said, appearing to chuckle as she did so. "You try being embarassed like I was today, and see if you don't want to get wasted!"
"Hermione, you need to adjust your disguise," Harry said stepping into their conversation. "It's starting to fall off."
"As though I give a damn!" Hermione blurted out, tearing the pair of funny nose glasses that she was wearing off of her face. "I don't think that looking like a cartoon character is going to solve my problems right now!"
She made yet another small moaning noise and leaned her head down on the table.
"I can never go to a public toilet again," she moaned. "Never, never, ever again."
"Your butterbeer, miss," the bartender said, sliding a bubbling glass over to her.
Hermione immediately got back up and began drinking away.
"She's really not taking this very well, is she?" said Ron to Harry, with a look about as serious as anyone wearing funny nose glasses could make. "I'm worried about her."
"I'm more worried about her getting us noticed," said Harry, who was wearing a pair of funny nose glasses over his regular ones. "This bar has been known to attract Death Eaters in the past."
"Then what the bloody hell are we doing here?" asked Ron, who was now watching Hermione demand yet another butterbeer from the bartender.
"We need to discuss what we're going to do next," said Harry, as though that was an answer to Ron's question. "I can't believe that Bellatrix has a Horocrux in her hands as we speak."
"Maybe it wasn't actually a Horocrux," Ron suggested. "Maybe she was just trying to lure you into a trap."
"Impossible!" said Harry. "I have total faith in my Horocrux Detector! It has never let me down!"
"Look at me!" shouted Hermione suddenly, tearing the nose off of her pair of funny nose glasses and placing them back on her face. "I'm Harry Potter!"
Ron laughed at her without thinking.
"That's a good one, Hermione," Ron managed to say through his laughter.
"No, it's not!" shouted Harry, who seemed to always be easily offended. "I'm Harry Potter and my life is a tragic story! There's nothing at all funny about pretending to be me."
"Yes there is!" insisted Hermione, who was now pulling out a small marker and drawing a lightning bolt on her head. "And now I look exactly like you! Where's my butterbeer?"
"You look nothing like me," said Harry, who still wasn't amused. "Nothing at all."
"Hey, look over there!" a voice cried out. "It's Harry Potter!"
Harry froze in his seat.
"We've been busted!" he whispered through gritted teeth. "Our disguises didn't work!"
He was then surprised to see that two wizards wearing the very same pair of funny nose glasses that he was had seated themselves down next to him.
"Great to see two wizarding detectives like us here," said one of the wizards, sounding delighted. "I see that you got the memo about the new disguises."
Harry collected himself before he finally spoke.
"Oh, yeah, sure," he said uneasily. "A detective such as myself never misses a memo as important as that one."
"We're detectives?" Ron mouthed at Harry, looking completely confused.
"Just do what I do," Harry whispered back at him.
"So, who's your friend?" asked one of the wizards, who was looking at Hermione. "She can't be a detective, because the women aren't supposed to wear those things."
"I thought that she was Harry Potter," the other wizard said.
"Your disguise is clearly affecting your vision," the other wizard told him. "Although, now that you mention it, I do think that I've seen her somewhere before..."
"That's because she's a stripper!" Harry said very quickly. "She's our stripper friend, and we wanted to bring her to the bar with us."
Ron glared at Harry. Hermione only made a small giggle noise.
"It's the best that I could come up with," Harry mouthed to them.
"A stripper, eh?" said one of the wizards, elbowing his friend. "Well, that would explain why I feel like I've seen her before."
"Yeah," said the other wizard. "You just didn't notice it right away because you probably weren't looking at her face when you last saw her."
This made both of the wizards burst out laughing. Harry, feeling as though he should join in, began laughing, and then Ron also joined in, and Hermione was laughing as well, but that was probably only because she was drunk, and soon all of them were wiping tears off of their eyes.
"What is the meaning of this nonsense?" shouted a stern voice.
Harry looked up, horrified beyond words to see that the ugly, digusting, completely evil Dolores Umbridge was approaching their table. She was wearing a strange pink hat, her usually furry pink coat, a pink scarf, and a pair of pink boots with matching pink socks. Although Harry couldn't see them, he was sure that she was also wearing a pink pair of panties and a pink bra.
"Miss Umbridge," said one of the wizards. "Glad that you arrived on time."
"I never don't arrive on time," she said as she sat down next to them. "The ministry can't afford for me to ever be late for anything."
"So I'm assuming that you called us here because you wanted an update on our case, right?" one of the wizards asked her.
"I am taking you both off of the Marge Dursley case," Umbridge said quickly. "The ministry has decided that it was obviously done by You-Know-Who."
"But...we've been working on the case for ages!" one of the wizards said with a whimper. "Surely the ministry realizes that this is an important mystery to solve!"
"It's not important, because it's already been solved," said Umbridge firmly. "But don't get your wands in a knot. I have a new assignment for you."
"What is it?" asked the other wizard, looking curious.
Before she answered his question, however, Umbridge finally noticed the presence of Harry, Ron and Hermione.
"Who are these people?" she asked.
"Oh, those two guys are detectives, like us," he said, tapping on his own pair of funny nose glasses.
"And the girl is their stripper friend," the other wizard explained matter-of-factly.
Umbride didn't answer. She just looked at Hermione very closely, clearly deep in thought
"I swear that I've seen you somewhere before," she said to her at last.
"That's probably because you have seen her before," said one of the wizards with a small chuckle. "You just weren't looking at her face at the time!"
He then began laughing again, but stopped quickly, since no one joined in with him this time.
Umbridge then snapped her fingers.
"You're that Granger girl, aren't you?" she said in an accusing tone of voice. "You were a member of Dumbledore's Army!"
To Harry's horror, Hermione answered her.
"Yessss, that's right," she said with a bit of a hiss in her voice. "I'm Hermione Granger! But...why would a toad like you care?"
"I beg your pardon!" said Umbridge as her face went green. "Are you making a comment about my looks?"
"Oh, no," said Hermione, shaking her head without too much control over it. "No, no, no, no. No. I wouldn't do something like that to you." She appeared to be trying to make a straight face before she continued. "So, tell me, are you planning on having a...a...fly in your drink this evening?"
She then fell out of her chain, roaring with laughter at her own joke.
Harry looked at Umbridge pleadingly.
"Please don't be angry with her!" he said, attempting to not speak too clearly so as not to reveal his voice to her. "She's just upset that she didn't get a lot of tips today. That's why she decided to get drunk."
"Actually," went Hermione from the floor. "The reason that I got drunk is because I had a big, big, big problem with the toilet today."
This, apparently, was enough to make her laugh even harder, causing her glasses to fly off of her face.
But Umbridge didn't look upset anymore. In fact, she seemed to be almost as amused as Hermione was.
"So, Granger ended up becoming a stripper, eh?" she said after making that obnoxious noise that sounded like a cross between a hiccup and a giggle. "Well, I'm glad to see that her edcuation at Hogwarts helped her find a promising job."
"Speaking of jobs," said one of the wizards, starting to look bored. "What's this new job that you have for us?"
"You are to capture a young woman called Luna Lovegood and have her sent straight to Azkaban," said Umbridge. "She is guilty of first-degree murder."
"What?" shouted Harry before he could stop himself.
"I have recieved word from my single most trusted contact that Luna Lovegood killed a girl in a bathroom at Diagon Alley this afternoon," Umbridge continued as though Harry hadn't said anything. "And I have been given the exact location of where she can be found."
"Most trusted contact?" went one of the wizards. "Who may I ask is it?"
"I don't know his real name," said Umbridge. "He just calls himself 'Snake Eyes," but I'd trust him with my life. He's proven to be very valuable to me."
"It sounds to me like you're making contact with the ninja from 'G.I. Joe'," said one of the wizards.
"It sounds to me like you''re making contact with Lord Voldemort!" shouted Harry, feeling his blood begin to boil.
Umbridge made that obnoxious giggle/hiccup noise again.
"Are you meaning to say that you doubt my contact?" she asked him in her horrible yet sweet voice.
"What he's meaning to say," said Hermione as she struggled to get back into her seat, "Is that he doesn't think a toad such as yourself is capable of much beyond hopping."
She then looked down into her butterbeer glass, sad to find it empty.
"Bartender!" she shouted. "Get me another one before I...before I...before I..."
Umbridge's face was hard to read. She seemed to be furious and entertained at the same time.
"Before you...what?" went Umbridge, making her eyes large on purpose as she spoke.
"Before I...sing!" Hermione declared, pointing a finger at Umbridge's face, as though she were somehow threatening her.
Before anyone could stop her, Hermione climbed onto the table and burst into song, although she was so drunk that her singing was sort of hard to understand.
"It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, PINK pooka-dot bikini, worn by someone who was way too big for...for it
An itsy-bitsy, teeny, PINK pooka-dot bikini....that...died...when Umbridge...put it on..."
"Get naked!" shouted one of the wizards, apparently fully turned on by this specatcle.
"Yeah," shouted the other wizard. "Do that strip dancer thing!"
Ron gave Harry a very desperate look.
"Harry," he gasped. "I have no idea where this is going."
"Neither does the author," said Harry. "He seems to be making this up as he goes along."
"Do you think that we should do something?" Ron asked, clearly hoping that Harry would somehow have an answer.
"What can we do?" said Harry. "It's only a matter of time before someone pulls her off of the table."
But that didn't seem very likely, judging by the crowd of jeering wizards that had gathered around Hermione. There were so many of them that Harry could no longer see Umbridge.
"The bikini...it was pink...gone in a flash...when the toad lady put it on...it died....poor pink bikini..."
None of the horny men watching Hermione seemed to realize that her song really wasn't making much sense.
Maybe that was because she was now only wearing her underwear.
"Bloody hell, Harry!" shouted Ron. "I can't bear to watch this!"
He then covered his eyes with his hands, but Harry noticed that Ron was still watching through his fingers.
Just as Hermione was about to remove her bra and truly become the very thing that Harry had lied about her being, a huge explosion came from the direction of the table which she was dancing on. All of the wizards, who were now knocked out, flew in various directions, revealing the sight of Dolores Umbridge, her wand stretched out in her hand.
"Enough of all of this!" she shouted at Hermione. "I want to really know why you're here!"
Hermione smiled at Umbridge, seeming completely unthreatened by her dangerous tone of voice.
"I am here," she said as she sat down on the table, "because I tried to kill Harry Potter today, and he made my bottom get stuck in a toilet."
Umbrigde looked stunned.
"Harry Potter?" she gasped. "Where is he? I want you to tell me where he is!"
"He's over there," Hermione almost sang, pointing, alas, straight at Harry Potter. "He thinks that you won't know who he is while he's wearing those...things."
Umbridge flew over to Harry and Ron and tore off their stupid glasses. There was a look of savage victory in her eyes.
"At last!" she shouted. "Harry Potter! I've found Harry Potter! Oh, you're really going to get it now, boy! My contact has told me an awful lot about you, and now, you're going to pay for..."
"DOLORES UMBRIDGE!!!" roared a voice.
Almost immediately, Umbridge shoved Harry across the room as though to distance herself from him. She was very white.
"I wasn't doing anything, sir," she said, trying to make her voice sound calm. "I was just having a little chat with a friend of mine."
"YOU ARE NO FRIEND OF POTTER'S!!!" the voice roared. "NOW, GET OUTSIDE AND HAVE A WORD WITH ME!!!"
Umbridge grew even whiter, not even bothering to look back at Harry as she exited the bar.
Harry and Ron both watched her go, both seeming uncertain of what to say next.
Hermione, however, appeared to have other things on her mind.
"I have a problem," she said as she played with her hair. "I need to pee."
Ron looked at her blankly.
"How is that a problem for you? The bathroom's right there!"
"It's a problem," said Hermione, slowly walking across the hall, "because I don't use public toilets anymore, remember? But no matter. I'll see what I'm able to do with a urinal."
But before she could take even another step further, Hermione Granger collapsed on the floor. A few seconds later, she began to snore very loudly.
"I think that we should get her out of here," suggested Harry. "I'll carry her legs and you'll carry her shoulders."
"I want to carry her legs," protested Ron.
"Fine," said Harry. "You can carry her legs." He paused before speaking again. "Who do you suppose was calling Umbridge outside?"
Ron didn't say anything at first. When he finally responded, his voice was shaky.
"I think that I know who it was," he said softly. "But you wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Who was it?" asked Harry, obviously not satisfied with only that much information.
Ron gave a deep sigh.
"I think...that I've heard that voice many times before," he said. "I think that it sounded like my father."
